Following last night's embarrassing invasion of "Celebrity Gossip Followers" to this Blogger board (the figures finally bottomed out at 1,438...all in search of the enigmatic John Leslie) my advice this week should be of particular interest to any stragglers who might still be passing.
Firstly...fuck off and get a life. (This does not apply to our regular readership, of couse, who as we all know are intelligent, well-rounded individuals and don't have to behave in a manner designated by the arseholes at the BBC.)
Secondly...search engines only update once every few days. Typing in the words "Who raped Ulrika Johnson?" will only pick up web pages that were posted earlier than last weekend. Seeing as the scandal broke yesterday, whereever John Leslie’s name was hidden it wasn’t likely to be listed at Google.
As our regular viewers know the Internationally Renowned Team of Bloggers at The Rant of the Week couldn’t give a shit anyway. After all, Ulrika Johnson was only a secretary promoted to t.v. weather girl because she giggled a lot. She's not even a trained meteorologist. She has no literary ability. She can't sing, draw or paint. And it's Vic and Bob who are funny. Ulrika's just there as a stool pigeon for their comic buffoonery. This whole fiasco was just a P.R. exercise designed to improve sales of her crappy book. If Ulrika had done her research then she’d have known that John Leslie’s penchant is for lesbians anyhow. And who can blame him?
The annoying thing is I've spent my life as a struggling artist/writer only to be ignored by the British public whilst some talentless, twatty, old sow gets all this attention. Trust me...she isn't worth it. Her hair is died, she doesn't eat Ryvitas and, from what I've been told, she's got a really scraggy box.
Buy a copy of The Greyminster Chronicles or a pair of Scrag End Boxer Shorts instead. Admittedly they haven't been raped, molested, appeared topless in the Sun or had Max Clifford behind them, but they're a damned site more entertaining than a titless Norwegian bint with a flatter personality than a McDonald's cheeseburger.
Other news: Estelle Morris in Shock Resignation Claim!
Despite admitting that the job was more difficult than she'd suspected, in reality the former education secretary resigned her commission yesterday because David Blunkett, Jack Straw, Tony Blair and Ann Widdicombe raped her bottom repeatedly in the stock-cupboard.
"Following damaging anal sex," reported eyewitness Frederick Engels of Lancaster Mental Institute. "Ms Morris was then forced to French kiss a tortoise named Simon."
Click here for more tasteless details!
Hey! I sold three Terry Sedgwick mugs last night. That's more than I've sold in the last fifteen years. You can't blame me for trying!
p.s. This posting, in conformity with BT's new "only four hours a night" policy, was written off-line...so many apologies for any repetition of the posting below. Terry: John Leslie was once the presenter of Blue Peter and took over from Richard and Judy on "This Morning" when they left. He was noticibly absent today...
