The Proletarian Bolshevik Players Production of "Grease": Reviewed by the internationally renowned theatre critic Vladamir Soljenitzkin.

Having booked tickets for front row seats at the Moscow Old Vic several weeks in advance, as you might expect I was anticipating this extravaganza of Bourgeois Western Culture to be exceptional. But, oh...what a disappointment! Irma Brovadsky, the leading lady, was quite risible in her role as Sandy. Her voice constantly warbled, hardly able to maintain its pitch throughout her performance. And the three pounds of gelegnite strapped to her shoulders gave her the appearance of being hunch backed.

Unfortunately the orchestra fared little better. Despite valiant attempts to ignore the irritating sounds of gunfire from the audience the score was further marred when the kettle drum player had his head smashed repeatedly into his symbols by a rebel fighter.

Frederick Polimakov, in the role of Danny, was even worse, his acting abilities completely unconvincing except for the constant stream of tears down his cheeks. When I saw this production performed in London's West End back in the nineteen eighties I don't recall Shane Richie running about the stage with his hair on fire accompanied by several women in yashmaks beating goats.

By the interval, however, I was applauding...if only because now I could make my escape from this dreadful farce. But no, dear reader! For some bizarre reason the management had decided to hold a lock-in. We were forced at rifle-point back to our seats and made to suffer the second half of this fiasco whether we wanted to or not. And believe me, 'Not' was just about everybody's preference.

Several of the numbers were performed without violins, the instruments having been inserted up the arses of an ensemble of old women during the first half.

Maria Pushkin's rendition of "Beauty School Drop-out" was so appalling that audience members started to heckle her with cries of 'Die infidel! Die!" Then they shot her through the head. Frankly it was a merciful act and the highlight of an otherwise unentertaining evening.

All in all, a very poor effort for what was supposed to be a lavish production. My recommendation for serious theatre goers, save your money and wait for 'Button Moon' to arrive at the St Petersburg Apollo next week.