The siege by Chechnyan rebels at one of Moscow's leading theatres ended this morning after Russian Special Forces stormed the building via underground sewers. This strategic attack caught the rebels off-guard and collateral damage was, under the circumstances, minimal. News update: This morning the number of casualties was quoted as 10. This evening the figure has risen to 90 hostages dead and 34 rebels dead. Who knows what the figure will be tomorrow although the phrase 'minimal collateral damage' doesn't seem so appropriate any more. Rumours abound that several of the American actors involved in the play's production were already dying on their feet before the curtain fell at the interval. No Britains have been harmed although the reputation of the BBC statistic-gatherers has taken a severe blow.)

Earlier in the week Vladamir Putin called in the expertise of the British SAS to help deal with the emergency. Less well-known is the fact that American Special Tactics also sent over an envoy to put forward their own plans of attack.

The American strategy consisted of armed troops painting themselves green and khaki, whooping rabidly and then storming the building by the front door. At this point the SWAT team would set fire to the building, napalm the corridors, set off the rebel mines and shoot everything in sight be it rebel, hostage, woman, child, blind dog or fellow American soldier. Any of the American servicemen surviving this assault would then make their escape through the fire-exit, crying like a baby, only to be discovered six hours later in the arms of a Taiwanese prostitute on Moscow's east bank.

President Putin decided not to adopt these tactics much to the chagrin of the American ambassador who stormed out of the Kremlin shouting, "I've secured the film rights you pinko bastard! So don't try and stop me!"

Plans are now afoot for a Hollywood movie. The rebels will be replaced by a gang of brain-dead Iraqi's lead by the evil Anthony Hopkins (or some other ageing British actor) and the Russian Special Forces will be changed to an American Assault battalion. The role of Putin himself will be played by Lawrence Fishbourne.

Currently 256 dedicated scriptwriters are trying to alter the screenplay of the original Die Hard film from being set in an office block to a Russian Theatre. Bruce Willis has been hotly tipped for the lead role but will probably be replaced as he's getting a bit too old to be convincing.

Other News: And veteran thespian Richard Harris has finally shuffled off this mortal coil. According to news reports Harris was "one of the last of the Great British character actors." Which is odd because I was always under the impression that he was Irish. Not that I'd expect the BBC to realise that Ireland has nothing to do with Great Britain of course. But that's the news teams for you. Dumbing down? No...they're too ignorant for that.

Deputy Editor's note. Ollie Reed, Keith Moon, now Harris ... sad, but the upside is that in each case our beloved Editor was the sole inheritor of their liquid assets. Lancashire will be the land of Scotch and honey. The streets of Fleetwood will forever run with single malt. Scrag Ends Castle will reverberate late into the night with renditions of Irish protest songs, the Red Flag, the seminal "500 Miles" and the plaintive a capella version of "Donald ou se trouve votre pantaloons?" (BYO broken noses)