After continuing allegations by the British and American governments that Saddam Hussein is hiding weapons of mass destruction, Iraq has invited the FBI (or possibly the CIA or MI5 or something) into the country for a snoop around, in the full knowledge that they couldn't find a turd in a swimming pool. Britain and America have, naturally, refused the invite claiming that all their agents are currently busy swooping on local newspaper photographers running illegal nativity play rings. However the allies still reckon that Saddam is lying about his arsenal, and they have the receipts to prove it. In an unprecedented step 10 Downing Street and the Whitehouse have decided to exchange intelligence...a difficult manoeuvre because there hasn't been any intelligence in either building since the Declaration of Independance.

Festive news and Channel 4 are to run Derek and Clive on Christmas Day, presumably to counterbalance the disturbing effects that too many Disney films have on young people. Also, as an alternative to the Queen, Channel 4 will be showing a speech by Sharon 'fuck-off-you-stuck-up-little-English-bastards' Osbourne. It's always good to see the festive spirit swallowed by the yard.

Sharon Osbourne watching Ozzy stumble blindly through another pile of dog puke.