That's my Christmas shoppin' sorted. I've bin to Iceland where I caused chaos with me Zimmer...managed to bring some kiddy a right good crack round th' noggin...serves the little bastard right ('scuse me Goebels)...'ee shouldn't 'ave bin packin' me bags f'r me, the money-grabbin' little cub-scout sod ('scuse me Collywobbles)...I don't want nobody rummaging' through my belongings, thank you very much, w'at with me personal hygiene accessibles and me heffalump cream.

Then I called in at the 'ealth centre on the way 'ome for me influential jab. Bloody 'orrible place that ('scuse me Gonads) full of sick people all coughin' an' sneezin' an' wheezin'. That nig-nog doctor tried t' stick me through with one of 'is 'eroine needles. I said to 'im, I said, "Whatcha think y' doin', Sambo? I don't want none o' that!" and I folded me arms across me bosoms all haughty like. "I wants a sugar cube with me medicine on it," I said. "I don't know w'at you've bin doin' with that thing, do I? It might be full of Thorax or Asian Lube some other blackie disease!" Well, that taught 'im. 'Ee came out wi' somethin' in Swahili or Arabic or whatever it is 'ee speaks. Then 'ee 'ad t' call in that nice, clean nurse of 'is w'at they've got workin' there now, y' know the one, Rosemary Bellows' daughter, Irene I think 'er name is, she's married t' that washin' machine repair man from Conniston Road an' they've got that down syndrome kiddy what tried t' suck a car-tyre pump an' 'is 'ead blew up to thirteen times its normal size. Least that's what Mrs Arkwright from the paper shop reckons. She's an interferin' old bitch, that one ('scuse my Pomeranian). Always stickin' 'er nose in an' stirrin' it up without no respect for other people's ways. An' she's a racialist! An' a bloomin' lesbian! Any'ow, whatever the case, the nurse ended up givin' me the jab so at least I ain't got no dysentery or camomile or any other wog disease in me blood.

Now all I've got t' do is chop up some wood f'r the fire, feed Tiddles 'is favourite tuna tit-tits an' I'm all set to procrastinate like an 'edgehog until new year.