Well, thank God that's over, 'scuse my Erection! Bloomin' Christmas! They can all take their festerin' good will an' stuff it up the parson's nose as far as I'm concerned! I ain't 'avin' that no good, politically erect family o' mine over me doorstep ever again!

Imagine! Our Doreen comin' round 'ere an' not tellin' me she was marryin' a wog until she'd started pummicin' me bunions an' I 'ad no room to kick 'er!

"But he's not a wog Granny 'Ughes," Doreen says, all innocent like. "'Ee's Welsh!"

"Same bloody difference, 'scuse my African," says I. "Wogs is as wogs does an' whether 'ee's a Welsh wog or an Irish wog 'ee's not defilin' your maiden 'ead my girl!"

Well, you should 'ave eard the commotion! Up she gets wiping the sweat off me feet on 'er cardie an' she starts 'ollerin' about, "...livin' in more enlightened times...' an' '...women being able to decide f'r themselves w'at t' do with their lives..." I've never 'eard such bloomin' tripe, 'scuse my French-letter. These bloomin' emaciated flappers! Reducin' grown men of an opposite race an' bearin' their chimney 'eaded off-spring! It's unnatural I tell ya!

I says to 'er, "Doreen, " I says. "You'll get aids! Or catch lesbianism! Or end up attendin' one o' those prostitute churches with all male choirs and singin' steam engines!"

"But Granny," she demarks. "Just 'cos someone's born in Wales doesn't make 'im gay."

"No," says I. "It makes 'im a Welsh twat! A sheep shagger, 'scuse my Yorkshire. A welly-wearing fister o' baby lambs an' a woolly-bearded tamperer of bleatin' beasts! Now fasten up me colostomy an' get out of me 'ouse yhoo slut!"

That showed 'er. If my 'Enry, God rest 'is kidneys, was alive today 'ee'd be an 'undred and sixty. But 'ee'd 'ave known w'at t' do with the little madam! 'Ee'd 'ave taken the bitch by the scruff of 'er neck an' snapped it. Answerin' back to 'er elders an' betters like that! They can all take their Christmas cheer and stick it where the sun don't shine...or Southport as we prefer t' call it. I'm an 'undred and ninety-twelve y' know an' me rectum's completely prolapsed.