Jacques Chirac (President of France and former scuba-diving champion) and Herman Schrodinger (Prime Minister, or whatever the equivalent is, of Germany as well as an expert in placing cats inside boxes before shooting them with hypothetical guns) have joined forces against the war with Iraq, causing a rift through the middle of the UN Security Council almost as wide as Joan Rivers' cleavage. This, of course, leaves Tony bin Blair (Prime Minister of Great Britain and former porn star) in a bit of a quandary as Britain is supposed to be allied closer to Europe culturally, politically, geographically and ethically than we are to the U.S. of A. (Unidentified Shitholes of America) whilst his tongue is still firmly wedged up Bush's sphincter. Alistair Campbell, receiving inordinate amounts of tax payers' money to get Uncle Tony out of any political quagmire he might stumble selfishly into, has denounced France as being 'less ethical and more anti-American' in its political stance on this matter. He went on to add that, "Those Froggies wouldn't know what was right or wrong if it bit them on the nose. We saved their bony butts during the Second World War and since then we've had nothing but dock-workers' strikes, British beef bans and the strong smell of garlic wafting across the English Channel. And as for those Krauts! Who won that bleeding war, that's what I want to know?! They should agree with everything that Britain tells them to do, the ungrateful bastards. Here's Tony doing his best to get his hands on the oil wells sort out the world and...etc."

Other news and a government opposition leak today claims that the War with Iraq is just an invention to take our minds of all the problems created by New Labour in our own country. More than this, the document stated that the entire world beyond these shores was invented for the same purpose. Officials in Whitehall (the existence of which is now also under debate) have been trying to verify these claims, whilst themselves coming under scrutiny for being inventions in their own right. "It's my belief," commented Mr Haughton at the grocers. "That the 'ole bloomin' lot is one big lie. There's nothing beyond Fleetwood except for millions of bureaucrats all keepin' us in the dark and workin' us like slaves." We have it on good authority, such as the fact that I saw him polishing his onions this morning, that Mr Haughton is one of the few people in the world to be genuine. "Of course, there's one good thing to come out of all this," he continued, restacking his apples so that the mangiest ones were at the top. "If the world's all just a fabrication of the government's mind and there's no Iraq and no France or owt like that, then ergo there's no bleedin' America neither. And that's got to be a good thing!" With which compelling thought he vanished into his outhouse to store his potatoes down the bog.

The editorial staff at the Rant of the Week have tried to contact the Whitehouse to either deny or confirm these rumours but as yet we've had no reply. If the none-existence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq is proof that Saddam is trying to hide them, then the lack of response from the Whitehouse is proof enough that George Bush and his militia are all ignorant shits. In the meantime David Ike continues to insist that George Bush, Ronald Regan, the Queen and various others are baby-eating lizards from another planet disguised as humans. Parliament has dismissed this claim as 'Flippant nonsense' whilst David Ike, who doesn't exist himself and is just a fabrication by the government to stir up controvesy over the royals, who also don't exist, thus taking our mind off the war with Iraq, which doesn't exist...where the fuck was I?