AMERICA DECLARES WAR ON FRANCE!

As the crisis over Iraq at the North Atlantic Treaty Organisation deepened today, Colon Powell accused France of being a country full of: "onion-chomping, butt-munching froggies."

In retaliation to both this slander and the bogie that Powell removed from his snotter before flicking across the room, Jacques Chirrac replied that, "America was a land of lard-arsed Big Mac chewing ignoramuses".

Colon Powell then left the room to look the word up in his dictionary, but not before Chancellor Schroeder leapt to France's defence by shouting, "Ve kicked your vobbly buttocks in Vorld Var Two and ve can do it again! Fatsos!"

Never one to usually side with the biggest bully, Jack Straw, speaking on behalf of the British people (something that we're all, quite frankly, getting a little tired of now) threw a custard pie at the German chancellor and a barney broke out that resulted in three split lips, one Chinese burn and a dead leg in the cloakroom.

Later Jack Straw made a statement for the cameras. "France," he said...and here I quote: "France is following an extremely chaotic president."

Well there you go...we're not that different after all then.