Shadowy Home Secretary, David Blunkett, failed to answer questions in the Commons today concerning the mass of artillery still surrounding Heathrow airport and the 'perceived' terrorist threat implicated by its presence. Instead the 64 year old 'blindly loyal servant to Tony bin Blair' stated that, "We're not allowed to tell you what the threat actually is on the off-chance that it compromises our intelligence." A case of closing the stable doors after the horse has bolted, if ever there was one. "We have no intention of alerting the terrorists to what me might, or might not, know," he added, enigmatically.

Now, call me ignorant if you like, but surely surrounding Heathrow airport with thousands of armoured troops, aircraft carriers, tanks and scud missile launchers might just give a tip off to the so-called terrorists that the British government has got wind of something. (The House of Commons sprouts, probably, if the flatulence coming out of Blunkett's gob is anything to go off.)

Rant of the Week investigations have turned up the truth about the terrorist threat. For the first time we can now reveal that Peter Mandleson has control of a deadly 'Spin Bomb' and is holding the country to ransom with it. This weapon of mass destruction (the bomb, that is, not Mandleson) can rotate rumours up to three-thousand R.P.M. and, through the centrifugal force generated, push concerns about the War aims further into the background than ever before. At Hans Blix's request Tony bin Blair has produced a fourteen thousand page document for the UN stating that he has nothing to declare...especially as far as improvements to the Health Service, Schools, Transport, Fox Hunting, Inner City Redevelopment and all his other abandoned policies are concerned.

Sleep Baby Jesus, don't say rude words. Robillina's going to drop a big turd. And if that steaming dump don't sting, Then Robillina's going to...er...ding-a-ling-ling.
Shut it you overfed slag an' get me down from this crucifix! Me fuckin' arms wreck!
Hello Boys and Girls! Are you sitting comfortably? Baby Jesus isn't, is he? He's hanging from a cross, look! And do you know why he's hanging from a cross?
Because some fat bitch nailed me up 'ere, that's why!
That's right...because he wants to show us all how much me loves us.
I can think of better friggin' ways. A quick fuck round the back of the bike sheds for example.
Now then everybody...today Baby Jesus and I are going to sing some songs and we want you all to join in. These songs are being taped so that we can send them across to the Gulf where our brave Christian boys are waiting to kill the evil devil-worshipping Muslims. Isn't that right, Baby Jesus?
Fanny batter!
This first song is called 'Yellow Submarine'. It's about a group of hideous Iraqi bastards trapped in a substandard submarine that the British government sold to them during the Iran war. You can join in by supplying the screams of the blasphemous Iraqi sailors as they slowly drown in their own effluent during the chorus if you like.
It's coming loose. I can move me fingers!
Have you got your triangle there, Baby Jesus? We're about to start...
Freedom! I'm off that bastard cross! I can feel the blood coursing through me feet. Christ they don't 'alf pong.
Come on Baby Jesus...sing along with the guitar and we'll send our love across the ocean to our gallant soldier friends before they start the slaughter.
Bollocks to that you enormous twat. I'm off to fuck Mohammed up the bum.