Over the last couple of days I have become convinced that my recent spell in hospital was not 'just one of those things' after all, but rather the result of a well-planned conspiracy. It started last Saturday afternoon when some old biddy in Iceland accidentally-on-purpose ran into me with her Zimmer frame...a walking aid which, as I later discovered, was tipped with lethal gallstones. My impromptu hospitalisation was no coincidence. The nurse in ultra-sound deliberately made matters worse by attempting to fracture my ribs with a hand scanner and a bucket of jelly and the staff on the ward, whilst appearing genial to the casual visitors, were really doping me up on morphine to keep me away from this board.
"Why?" you might ask. (Then again you might not...in fact, more likely, you're just sitting there asking yourself, "Why am I continuing to read this shit?") Well I've thought about that and at first I came to the conclusion that the CIA and MI5 wanted me out of the picture for a few weeks so that they could bomb the shit of Iraq and sway public opinion without my intervention. It has long been known by undercover operatives that "The Rant of the Week" board has a lot of influence on its readers who then go away and tell their friends and neighbours to organise anti-war rallies etc.
But then I thought again.
No...this was too skillfully conducted for the bungling idiots in American and British Intelligence (sic). This was obviously the work of Sedgwick and the desperate band of slackers I call my staff!
So here's my 'I'm Out of Hospital and in Recuperation Now' Speech...I'm back! Still in my sickbed and only half aware! Cramped up in pain and with only a fifty/fifty chance of survival. But I'm back! Now get to work and post some interesting items you bone-idle buggers before I have to hunt you down one by one with a very large stick and a bag full of my gastric bile!
EDITOR'S DISCLAIMER. (.WAV file)
