Increased security round Heathrow airport continued today as various tanks, fully armed soldiers and members of the Gestapo continued to 'put the general public at ease'. "We have heightened security," replied David Blunkett to the wrong camera when questioned about the mines planted round terminal three, "Because we received warnings of a possible terrorist threat and didn't want anyone to be alarmed."

"Bugger that," retorted Mrs Pinkwhistle (79) of Stockholm Road, Newport after almost being flattened by an amphibious landing craft. "I haven't had the willies put up me like this since I attended the last meeting of the Newport Young Conservatives."

Oddly enough, the civil service (and I have my sources...believe me) are still on the lowest security setting despite increased tension around America's latest military state (aka Britain). "The whole situation smacks of propaganda," commented Albert Sydcup, an ex-civil servant himself, into his Newcastle Brown at the Fleetwood Arms. "It's just Tony Blair trying to justify his ridiculous over-reaction to Saddam Hussein by scaring the shit out of us all." Sydcup (46) was later arrested for urinating on a tree adding fuel to his conspiracy theory as well as a touch of mange to the oak tree's roots.