Demonstrators against the looming war with Iraq came out in force around the world today, showing solidarity for rational thought and proving that the common individual has considerably more brains the collective heads of the western governments.

In Britain anti-war rallies took place in Bradford, Manchester and London, to name but three. In Washington, despite the alarming polls that one in every two citizens believes Iraq to be responsible for the sacking of the World Trade Centre, thousands gathered in the hopes of knocking some sense into the obfuscated brains of their fellow citizens. Australia, however, put on the best display of all when anti-war campaigners set fire to the whole of Canberra and then ran away screaming. Steve Irwin has been arrested. He is not suspected of having any involvement with the arson but has become such an embarrassment to Australians across the world that he's been charged with 'Acts of Terrorism' and sentenced to death by croc.

A spokesman for the British government in response to today's anti-war protests stuck his fingers in his ears, closed and his eyes and said, "We're not listening! Nnya nnya!"

More importantly, however, Zoe Ball and her husband Fat Boy Slim are getting divorced. When asked how, under the circumstances, this constituted news Michael Burke replied, "There will always be a percentage of the population for whom celebrity gossip fills a void in their lives that would otherwise be occupied by education, but never is." Michael Burke is currently being investigated for paedophile offences, although by whom it's not quite clear, and for being a condescending twat.