Your horoscope for 2003...derived at using the exact science, a very thick ephemeris and compasses and everything! Not just made up during breakfast like most astrologers are prone to do.
Aries: Early in the year you will discover something exciting to your advantage. It might be a £100 note. It might be the famous missing 'Amber Room' secretly buried in your back garden. By June, however, your luck will have changed and seventeen gnomes will dig up your flowerbeds to bury a small elephant amongst the petunias. Unless of course you live in a flat in which case your mother-in-law will swell up like a Zeppelin and develop mysterious yellow spots on her buttocks.
Taurus: Sometime between April and May you will celebrate the birthday of somebody close to you...possibly even your own. By September however, your life will become abnormally busy as various minor celebrities decide to adopt you as their mascot. The Krankies might even try to attach you to their hood ornament with lengths of knicker elastic, so avoid contact with all wrinkled transvestite dwarves around this period. In October you will have a lesbian affair with the Agricultural Minister and accidentally bite her tongue.
Gemini: You will smell bad for the first half of the year and develop an incurable disease for the latter. Don't expect to see Christmas. The festive shopping spree should be very economical for you.
Leo: Violent bouts of flatulence will disrupt your romantic encounters through February, in one instance blowing your partner's wig off and setting fire to their eyebrows. This will not be a good year for any Leos that collect weasels as a hobby. Watch out for the waning moon in November when three flying saucers will descend into your chimney and play havoc with your shire-horse ornaments. Expect to find small mounds of sick on the living room carpet in October.
Virgo: Relationships will be particularly unpleasant this year as your grumpy mood continues to decline. By March your entire family will have divorced you and will have gone to live in Wolverhampton where an unexpected house-fire will claim their lives along with those of thirteen guineapigs holed up in the bookcase. Financial problems will spiral out of control when you foolishly decide to buy the Taj Mahal after Easter, despite being well into your overdraft already.
Libra: Your refined beauty and intellectual genius will ensure that the year to come is every bit as successful as the last, the only downside being that the rest of the human race is ignorant, artistically retarded and smell of old socks.
Scorpio: You will die on January the 20th.
Sagittarius: With Virgo rising in Saturn and the moon trined against the cusp of Libra in mid-August you will spontaneously combust during a recital of Handle's Messiah at Thornton Lecture Hall, one of your kidneys surviving the inferno by being blasted onto a nearby rafter. The organ will go on to become Professor of Applied Economics at Christchurch by December.
Capricorn: Too much jelly and Ribena will turn you blue for several months. In August a large snail with make your life a misery when it sprays the names of all your secret gay lovers across the front wall of your house in indelible green paint.
Aquarius: This will be a year of mixed blessings. None more so than in July when the Pope will unexpectedly visit and, during a mass in your honour, choke on an apricot pip and die in your front room. Following several weeks of investigation Detective Smallbone will turn out to be the Baby Jesus in disguise and, consequently, threaten you with a pointed stick that has a small, detachable skull fastened by surgical bandage to one end.
Pisces: Absolutely nothing will happen to you this year so don't bother getting out of bed.
