to fill vacancies in the Light Entertainment Industry due to an outbreak of paedophilia:
CLEAN-LIVING YOUNG MEN WITH NO TALENT WHATSOEVER AND WAY TOO MUCH CONFIDENCE
Must be between the ages of 35 and 50, preferably cockney and full of self-centred shit.
Positions available: Lead Guitarist, Long Forgotten Drummer, Cheeky Entertainer for Old Biddies, 70's Pop Idol with a curly wig and outstanding beer paunch, Useless Wanker with a Poncy Walk and an Annoying Giggle. More vacancies to follow.
All applicants must be able to work with animals or children without having to bugger them.
For information please write to:
The British Entertainment Industry,
c/o Max Clifford,
The McCauly Kulkin Cresh,
London
SW1 NDLE
In recent weeks Uncle Tony, desperately fighting a losing battle for the hearts of the Great British public over the ever-impending Iraq Conflict, has advised his War Council to strike at the most vulnerable points of the ethically sound and, whenever in argument on television or radio, to accuse those in the Anti-War trench that they are not operating from a logical or ethical standpoint but from a purely 'Anti-American' one.
Presumably these sort of tactics (as displayed in numerous debates now) are designed to make us feel pangs of xenophobia and/or racism and back away from our standpoints, preferring us instead to be Anti-Iraqi.
Oddly enough, Uncle Tony's objections are racist in their own right, grouping all Anti-War campaigners under the banner of 'cynical, uninformed militants' and all Americans under 'Freedom-loving right wingers.' Most decent thinking people would rather treat nations as groups of individuals and, whilst it can be said that there are huge swathes of mindless, propaganda-grazing cattle amongst any population, it's the freethinkers that genuinely matter. In the same way that people have qualms about any regime, the 'Anti-American's (sic) in Britain naturally, have a few problems with various aspects of American politics and culture, as well as British ones. That's all. America is behaving like a brain-damaged, six foot three transvestite with hygiene problems and too much testosterone in its system at the moment. As a nation it lies about its business dealings. It lies about its political and moral nature. It lies about its history, its tolerance and its generosity. And then it wears so much foundation and makeup in the shape of re-writing history for Hollywood, declaring that, "We saved your British butts during the War" and covering up its arms dealing, its appalling human rights record and its monetary worth, that its fast becoming mutton dressed as lamb.
Not every American is responsible for this. Not every Brit is responsible for football hooliganism. Not every Oz shags kangaroos. Not every Canadian is dull. (Okay...scratch that last one.) But to define a stance against the murder of innocent people in Iraq so that American politicians can become more autonomous with their oil supplies as being one of 'racism' is not only cynical in itself, it's insulting, underhand and typical of the naziesque spin doctoring that Uncle Tony and his bigoted, war-mongering, arse-licking toadies have become so rightly famed for. The simpering, murdering bastard can go take a flying fuck and leave the rest of us to decide what's right and wrong for ourselves.
Empty Iraqi Missile Shells discovered in an outhouse in Baghdad! That's why they need to die!
"We know you've got more," says Bush. "We had to tear seven pages from the Iraq weapons catalogue because they named the American companies what sold 'em to ya all."
And finally, George W Bush's wife speaks! "It's a miracle," admit the scientists.
