NATION MOURNS OAP VICTIM OF OUTRAGE
by Geoff Pattison
The sleepy Yorkshire town of Pontefract was rocked to its foundations last night by an attack that locals have attributed to al-Qaeda.
"I was at the top of the Red Lion's cellar steps when it happened," said octogenarian victim Albert Ross, beloved grandfather and pigeon-fancier. "One minute I was reaching into me pocket for me fags, and the next I was upside-down in a dustbin at the bottom of the steps. I didn't see or hear nobody, but this cowardly and viscous attack has all the hallmarks of a fundamentalist atrocity. I had me wits about me — I'd only had six pints — but there must have been just too many of them."
Hitherto, Pontefract's chief claim to fame has been having more pubs per person than any other town in Britain, and ironically it was on the path between the Liquorice Bush and the Red Lion that the terrorists launched their assault.
President Dubya has yet to be informed of the attack, but the White House has announced a press conference for later today where he is expected to confirm that the operation would have been impossible without al-Qaeda finance and that its silence, speed, cunning and merciless brutality bore all the hallmarks of an bin Laden-inspired crime. Or a very long word to that effect.
UK prime minister Tony Blah has joined in the calls to despatch UN special forces to Pontefract, saying: "I am sending out a message to terrorists everywhere — and I hope that if they can't speak English someone will translate it for them — that we will not cease our War on Terror™ until we can think of an even more fatuous slogan, and that nobody is safe from us, even in Pontefract."
Neil "Whisperer" Smith, speaking for the Conservatives, could not be heard, but an aide confirmed he had nothing useful to say.
Meanwhile, as battle-torn Pontefract struggles to come to terms with its own Armageddon, a photofit picture of someone sinister looking with staring eyes has been pinned up on Tesco's notice board, and a Book of Condolence has been opened in the Nag's Head.
Source: The Rockall Times
