Ricky Tomlinson, on a documentary about Special Branch surveillance, after being confronted with the news that MI5 had kept files on his 'subversive' behaviour back in the 1960's when he was a member of the British Communist Party:

"Subversive, my arse!"

Tony Robinson (no...not Baldric...another one), an ex-member of special branch on the same documentary, when asked if breaking into Trade Union Headquarters, tapping ordinary working-class people's phones and recording private conversations wasn't an infringement of people's rights:

"Tuff."

Sylvester Stalone when asked about the change of direction in his acting roles:

"Manh ngbhvnjgnmb nvnjnbdfhghyg mmmgnghuhuhuhuhuhuh."

*****
Other news: Following the devastating storms that swept across Britain over the weekend, leaving seven people dead and causing millions of pounds of damage, people have been desperately phoning their insurance companies only to be told that, "We are unable to pay compensation in such cases, as they were clearly acts of God."

In a statement to the Commons Tony spin Blair announced that, "This was a cowardly act of terrorism by a despotic deity and the consequences to Heaven, and any other parallel dimension that seeks to harbour this criminal, will be catastrophic."

In the meantime God himself/herself has vanished, not having shown his/her face since King Arthur was last told to find the Holy Grail. However, intelligence reports have pinpointed his/her location to a small cave/stable in the Orion constellation. Efforts are now being taken to mount a taskforce of shuttlecrafts to smoke him out.

Closer to home and a number of people believed to be in support of God's malicious actions have been arrested. The Archbishop of Canterbury and the Pope are now both being held against their will at Lancaster Assizes where their obvious links with that other well-known bearded subversive, Jesus Harold bin Christ, are being assessed by the application of thumb-screws.

Colon Powell, speaking at a rally of far-right extremists, added this afternoon, "Make no mistake folks. We'll leave no planet unturned in our hunt for this evil bastard, God. Just who the hell does this tin-pot deity think he is? Some sort of George W Bush?"