"You're the only person I know whose name sounds like somebody farting in the bath."
Lawrence Olivier talking to Edward Woodward.
It's Halloween and I'm sitting here in my bedroom with all the lights turned out. Not because it's more atmospheric but because I don't want the little bastards down my street that are going round Tick-or-Treating to know I'm in. Apparently children, according to a survey published today, before the age of seven months only have a 24 hour retention of memory. Therefore playing classical music to babies and showing them 'Flash Cards' to aid their future learning has no effect.
Oddly enough British t.v. celebrities seem to be suffering from the same thing this year. Angus Deayton conveniently forgot that he'd already been caught once frolicking with two buxom prostitutes and as a consequence lost his job. John Leslie stupidly forgot that the papers were hounding him over the Ulrika Johnson rape allegations and snorted coke at a cafe table with several press photographers sitting close by. And Ulrika herself seems to have forgotten the threatening letter I sent her last month that explained how if she didn't stop appearing on the telly I'd hunt her down and kick her teeth in. Short memories or just bastards? You decide! Cast your vote now on 01234-691169. Calls cost a maximum of £7.50 per minute and should not last longer than it takes to drain you of your child benefit.
