Biofilch Pharmaceuticals announced yesterday that it had been granted a patent on human snot. When asked to comment on the morality of the company’s decision to patent an abundant substance found in nature Gladys Gobworthy, a spokeswoman for Biofilch, responded by quoting from a prepared statement.
“As you know, the Human Genome Project has lead to a number of genes being patented by biotech companies. The aim is to further research into diseases like cancer and AIDs.
“Human nasal mucus contains a plethora of antibacterial agents and enzymes. It is a scandal that such a valuable resource is constantly lost to paper tissues, fingers and shirt cuffs. Only by patenting HNM can we begin to research the benefits to medicine and the prospect of increasing Biofilch’s market share of chemist shelf cold remedies.
“Experimenting with HNM can no longer be performed without the permission of Biofilch. This also includes HNM sculpting. From now on crow butties, snot balls and back-of-the-headboard bogie parks etcetera, can only be created under licence from Biofilch. The licences cost £50,000 per month (not negotiable). Anyone caught breaching the company’s patented rights will be arrested and summarily tortured by the newly formed Bogie Patrol who will be visiting a school near you very soon.”
The reaction of Year Two children in Miss Humpgood’s class, Bratdean Primary School, Tring, was to hold a one day “Pick’n’Gobble”. Kylie Smillie, aged six, told reporters that her dad would thump anyone interfering with her right to pelt that nerdy swot at the front of the class with ink loaded “snotties” (snot balls).
