When questioned further about his previous acquaintance with the peroxide-blonde sea-mine back in the 60's, Mellor added, "Oh...you mean she looked different back then?"
It might be difficult to believe from looking at her these days but former Tory mascot and toad impersonator, Ann Widdicombe, was once a stunning, lithesome bit of totty...according to her press secretary, Norma Snockers.
Nowadays, of course, delectable but right wing extremist protozoa Ann is battling the bulge on T.V.'s Celebrity Fit Club (a derivative title from the former flop of a programme 'Fat Club' but with the word 'fat' changed ever-so-slightly so that none of the overweight 'B' list celebrity egos can be bothered to sue.)
Said Conservative menace and slug-lipped Casanova, David Mellor, "I'd have shagged her!"
Other former 'personalities' claiming to have had an affair with the frumpy Widders are Cecil Parkinson (deceased), David Ike (mentally defunct) and Terry Sedgwick (wombat abuser). More recently Ulrika Johnson has refused to name Ann as her mysterious rapist although Angus Deayton reckons he gave her a stiff one up the Gary Glitter during a bondage-party at Frank Bough's house.
The trial continues.
On the 'fit' related issue, the parents of a Christmas-pudding shaped schoolgirl who, at twelve years old, weighs a mighty 20 stone have decided to seek medical treatment and have her stomach stapled. (What to exactly we're unsure...although rumours have it that she'll be used as a flood defence system in Bewdley next year.)
Apparently, despite a healthy diet and regular exercise, Gemma piled on the weight. At this point, normally, I'd be tempted to say that not only was she a sweaty obesity but was also a liar. However...having suffered from an all-singing/all-annoying gallbladder for umpteen years now I am forced daily to check the fat-content of everything that I eat and realise how impossible it is to match the figures with the waistline.
According to the Health Authority the average fat-allowance for a man per day is around 100 grams (whatever they are). Interestingly, if the statistics plastered all over the meals that I buy are anything to go off, my daily intake is just over 30 grams. And yet I still have a bit of a spare tyre and haven't wasted away to Ally McBeal proportions yet.
Either the Health Authority has got things badly wrong or the manufacturers of food products are lying through their big fat arses. I suspect the latter as one of Tesco's Microwave Meal Range (I forget which one off-hand) states on the front that the product is: ONLY 3% FAT...whilst on the back it claims "7 grams of fat per 100".
What's the betting that Tesco's don't cock-up their mathematics so pathetically when it comes to their profits?
Wednesday, October 30, 2002
