Saturday, October 25, 2003
Hot on the heels of the bat out of hell beautification of Mother Theresa, Pope JP11 is fast-tracking the beatification of Madame Two Serves of Number 53 and 1 Serve of Number 57 Kai-shreck in his race to enter to the Guiness Book of Records as the most sanctifying pontiff in history. Recently there have been mutterings from Vatican observers about the illicit use of beatification enhancing substances by JP11. Eyebrows were raised when his Pontification announced #3,204,524, St. Eroids. (O.K. I know I'll go to hell for that one. Fair cop! I offer no defence.)
And in other news. William and Harry : "Our mother would be mortified of she were still alive." ... errrr?
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
In a shock revelation from his new book, "I Was Diana's Rock!" Paul "My-Flower-Shop-Has-Gone-Bust" Burrell has admitted that the late and now slightly mouldy Princess Diana (God rest her saintly mangled limbs) knew that she was going to die in advance.
Writes busty Burrell (22), "She gave this letter to me on her usual fish-oil laced notepaper, explaining all about how that bigoted old Greek shit, the Duke of Edinburgh, didn't like her simpering daigo boyfriend and how he was going to tamper with the brakes on her limo. That's why she went to Paris and got drunk and then drove through the underpass at 120 miles an hour...just to make sure they were working."
In recent years Paul "I'll-Never-Reveal-The-Princesses-Secrets" Burrell has fallen on hard times following the fall-off of interest in his former sex-mistress by American television audiences. Next week he's planning to climb inside a perspex box suspended from a crane above the River Mersey wearing nothing but a pair of Prince Charles' knickers for Children-in-Need.
"The Queen Mum, God rest 'er teeth, knew she was going to snuff it as well," Burrell continued as he entered the doors of the Halifax with his sack full of coffers. "She'd been saying for centuries that it was only a matter of time."
Unfortunately the rest of the world could no longer give a shit. In an interview given to the ROTW last week, Mohammed Al Fayed remarked, "Just so long as both of the greedy old bitches are dead then I'm happy."
Other news and ROTW ex-editor Brian "He's a God in his own right" Hughes is rumoured to be making a brief return visit to his old Blogger Board haunt before heading off for a shin dig with Dr David Kelly at The Fisherman's Arms. The rumours are, unfortunately, substantiated.