Saturday, September 07, 2002

DYI gall bladder surgery complete with NHS aftercare nurses who make sure that Brian doesn't revert to his bad takeaway food habits.


British Telecom, not content with being a monopoly (they own every phone line in the country and even independant phone companies have to rent the lines from them) and still managing to find themselves in debt to the tune of 60 million pounds, have decided to take their frustrations out on Yours Truly.

Last night I received an e-mail stating that "Unfortunately we have forgotten to include the cost of your web-site..." (You mean I actually have to pay for that 3 megs of crap?) "...on our monthly itemised bill. The cost is £6.99 a month for the last twelve months."

To further kickstart my weekend with a sense of great expectation they went on, "There is no need to do anything. For your convenience we have taken the full costs from your direct debit account."

My convenience? How exactly is that convenient for somebody who is drowning already in the high-cost of survival in Godd Old Aristocratic Britain? I've got a mortgage that's breaking my back, insurance that's five times as much as the crap it's meant to insure, and an overdraft that could have pulled the Sudan into the twenty-first century. And those bastards have taken my last hundred quid to add to their huge tax burden!

Not so much 'for my convenience' as '...we shall now use you as a convenience...'

Fortunately they also included in their e-mail the number of their 'Help Desk'.

Unfortunately, it's closed until Monday.

I have written a letter of complaint to British Telecom's managing director, Mr. S. Hussein.

Now I'm off to visit Mr Jack Daniels.

God Bless Britain. God Bless the free market. God Bless the Queen, the Conglomerates, the Mighty and the Faceless. God Bless this Nobelled Isle, this Sceptic Tank, this Skidmarked Throne! I am humbled by the greed of others, their totalitarian power and their popularity. May their colons never prollapse and their children refrain from bursting from boils.

Brian :o)

P.S. Kevin...I'm glad to see that your sausage roll turned up safely.

"This whole affair has nothing to do with a threat from Iraq - there isn't one. It has nothing to do with the war against terrorism or with morality. Saddam Hussein is obviously an evil man, but when we were selling arms to him to keep the Iranians in check he was the same evil man he is today.

He was a pawn then and is a pawn now. In the same way he served western interests then, he is now the distraction for the sleight of hand to protect the west's supply of oil.

And where does this leave the British government? Are they in on the plan or just part of the smokescreen? The government speaks of morality and the threat posed by weapons of mass destruction, but can they really believe it?"

Unka Tony must be pleased this heretic is no longer in his cabinet.

And while I'm being marginally serious, "No matter how cynical you become, it's never enough to keep up." makes a good point ... mainly that Dubbya is a shit. (Not a world shattering observation, I know.) Also a timely reminder about another little bit of terrorism in September ... 1973.
Housekeeping note. The template is set up to divide posts. It won't be necessary to put hr tags in postings

Friday, September 06, 2002

Sadly I have to disagree with The Great Hughes' cankerous views on American TV. Whilst some offerings might err just a tiny bit on the side of vacuous, once in a while they serve up a program that pushes the envelope of conventional thinking, shifts the goal posts of innovation, and challenges our comfortable precepts and mores.
Terry, this is a very popular religion over here. There was a census in spring and the stupid politicians added a question about the religion of the people to the list. And a spontaneous resistance was risen by a popular radio: they called upon the people declare theirs religion to Jedi-related.
BTW, here is an another nice religion.
It's amazing what they're willing to deliver to your door these days. I just got your package, Brian...the consolation prize for being such a loser in the Not-So-Big-Brother House. Thank you very much, Sir, a fine prize indeed. I immediately filled it with some lube and slipped it on and I must say it's a perfect fit. Kind of reminds me of Angelina. It's amazing how far artificial vagina technology has advanced! It's so lifelike I may end up saving a lot of money by not having to pursue the real thing. And it doesn't seem to wake up with all the emotions I find so annoying.

But seriously, Brian, I really like the original Scrag Ends cartoon and I plan on framing it under glass to preserve it for future generations. Plus, the Scrag Ends mouse on the envelope is very cool! thanks again, Sir!

If you other chaps have as much trouble as Kevin Starbucks does keeping track of his hyperactive dating regimen then you'll need this.

Mind you Kevin is a busy lad these days. Fresh from his ingloriously poor performance in NSBB, he has embarked on a similar venture for which he is far more qualified.

Meanwhile I'm off to church. I've evidently just discovered religion.

Thursday, September 05, 2002

It's a light night site.
How funny are the Welsh? They can't be funnier than this. And it is with great sadness that I see that Scrag Ends has been exorcised from L*******'s links page. I think a big group hug is in order for the devastated Hughes kiddy. Come on everyone, I'm sure you still remember the lyrics of "Kumbaya".

"Sometimes the first duty of intelligent men is the restatement of the obvious."
- George Orwell

OK, it's time to be topical.

Well, the people are really wombats, indeed. You know, the bigbrother shit started in Hungary this week. And maybe you know, that I wrote some words about the notsobigbrother blog in the news section of my site. And here is the result: my site was bombed out by searchengines. Tomorrow I'll hide in the source 'sex', 'mp3'..., and 'Nostradamus', of course.

But it is the best hit in any case: konstruktivista házimacska, that is constructivist cat.

As September the Eleventh once more approaches and the western nations are forcefully reminded of the terrible tragedy that happened almost one year ago (I still can’t believe it...John Thaw dead! No more Inspector Morse Christmas specials!) Britain and America gear up to square off yet again against their old enemy Saddam Hussein.

Only this time the British public aren’t having any of it and Uncle Tony has found himself standing shoulder to shoulder (singular) with George Bush the afterbirth, unsupported by the growing tide of humanitarianism. (Cynics! How dare they?)

So, for once, I’ve decided to play Devil’s Advocate and set down the reasons, as far as I can see them, for America having to go to war with Iraq.

1) You can’t possibly have some tin-pot dictator with designs on ruling the world behaving like this. It creates instability and his huge stockpile of weapons of mass destruction is probably the greatest threat to the continued existence of mankind today.

2) To have an entire country of religious fantasists behaving in this ignorant and culturally retarded manner is unacceptable. Most of them can’t even speak English for Christ’s sake!

3) Only through the overthrow of this vile little man -- who elected himself into office regardless of what the public thought and then started to rule them with no concern for their own well-being or the environmental chaos he was creating -- can we possibly hope to educate this warmongering nation’s mediaeval-minded population.

In short, America can’t be allowed to continue like this, and Bush must go!

That is why Iraq must go to war with the USA so that one day soon we can all live in a safer, greener world with less religious zealots, patriotic bullshit and dreadful, unamusing middle-class sitcoms.


Which revered world leader dug deep into his thesaurus of incomprehensible Texan patois to alert us that Saddam "is stiffing the world" ... and worse still Saddam is goddam "crawfishing"?

By comparison LBJ was a deeply reflective existential intellectual. (Or as Dubbya might parse it, "intellect y'all".)

But Unka Tony told us ... "The person that I know and work with operates on these security issues in a calm and sensible and measured way."

God fucking help us!
Biting the gland that feeds you?

Kevin...many humble and gratuitous apologies. The mistake has been rectified (as, indeed, have Carol's hemmorhoids) and, hopefully, the link should now be working properly.

This is what happens, unfortunately, when my musclar snot rebels against the steroid-nasal spray supplied by my local Guinea Pig. (We can't afford a proper G.P. in Fleetwood.)

I would also like to apologise to Uncle Tony bin Spin for the cynical attitude in my posting about the up and coming Iraqi Olympics. I realise that forever eco-friendly Anthony has, in the recent past, criticised his fellow Brits for being too cynical...and I fully support his view. How could I ever have mistrusted anyone with such a smashing set of turtle-neck sweaters and such a genuine look of sympathy? God bless him and his not-at-all-hard-faced nepotistic judge of a wife. Let's give those starving rag-heads another decade of total shit for the sake of the polls!


Wednesday, September 04, 2002

From "Washington Post Foreign Service"

While Blair was on summer vacation, ("vacation"? ... how unbritish, Sir Cliff takes summer "holidays") British public opinion turned sharply against military action, with the most recent poll by ICM Research reporting 71 percent were opposed to British involvement in an invasion of Iraq. Published in Monday's Daily Mirror newspaper, the poll showed that 38 percent of respondents agreed with the statement that Blair "is Bush's poodle."

The prime minister seemed to bristle at the notion.
(A bristling poodle ... that has to be fearsome!) "Look, I would never support anything I thought was wrong out of some blind loyalty to the United States," (SINCE WHEN?!) he said. "Some of what I read -- I mean, let's not beat around the bush (Oh dear!) -- a lot of it is just straightforward anti-Americanism."

Blair said he understood that reasonable people had legitimate concerns about how a military campaign against Hussein would affect Middle East stability and the Arab-Israeli conflict.
(Some might even be concerned about what that quaint American term "colateral damage" might mean to the odd innocent Iraqi.) But he said some of the criticism of Washington was "wrong, misguided and dangerous. I also think that some of the criticism of George Bush is just a parody. (Can one parody parody?) The person that I know and work with operates on these security issues in a calm and sensible and measured way." (Compared to what?!)

How dare Blair carry on like this, this is the sole prerogative of toadying Australian Prime Ministers.

A guest rant from one of my favorite Oz intellectuals.

"Go home to your kids"

This country is getting more ridiculous by the hour.

The top workplace relations bureaucrat in the kingdom has told managers to put their families first and knock off work early. He went even sillier and advised CEOs to order their workers to go home to their kids.

Yet again his Minister, Tony Abbott, has proved himself to be a soft cock by refusing to sack him.

The government has long been preaching family values but is dropping the ball in the shadows of the post.

What this country needs more than anything else is a kingdom based on the traditional nuclear, two-parent, normal, ordinary, decent Australian family.

The tradition is quite clear, two-parents, one of each of the two most popular sexes. None of this nonsense about a family being made up of people who love each other. Gareth and Cheryl seemed well fond of each other but I don’t hear anyone suggesting they procreate.

The tradition is also quite clear about the roles of the sexes involved. Men bring home the bacon and their wives somehow turn the bacon into food. And it’s the woman’s job to take care of the kids.

The only thing I ever learned from cooking programs is that too many cooks spoil the broth. Accordingly, it’s vital that men stay at work until their wives have completed the task of looking after the dependents for the day.

Scientists should do something useful for once, and develop a warning device that shows when kids have not only gone to bed but have entered deep sleep, or better still when they are old enough to hold an intelligent conversation, preferably with someone else, and in another place. Only then will it be safe for men to go home.

You know it makes sense.

I’m Sam Kekovich.
All right, Sedgwick...I object to my lovely twins being associated with terrorism. Granted, upon first laying eyes on the dual wonders, there has been a look of extreme surprise on the faces of Gillian, Heather, Angelina, Britney, and many other lucky starlets. But it's "extreme surprise", not "terror". A terrorist act is never followed up by the receiving participant spending hours moaning in pleasure and saying things like, "OH! That feels so good. Oh God! Oh my God! You're my God! OH OOohhhhhHHHH!"

Now, I'm not suggesting that such pleasure can not be granted by the common person with only one shloinker. In fact, sometimes if I'm a bit tired I'll let one of the boys rest and I'll do all the work with just one of them. So don't resent me if you only have one.

Speaking of only having one, Not-So--...oh, wait...I can stop calling you that now. Anyway, speaking of only having one, Brian, the Coffee Spill link that you so graciously posted there to the left only has one "f" in it. I greatly appreciate you putting it there, but I thought I'd better point out that it will never function properly without both of its "f"'s. Thank you, Sir.

"Terry: If you want to salvage anything from the Not-So-Big-Brother site."

I have it all on floppies (courtesy of Coffee's flaccid twins). Copies have been sent to the House Committee on Unamerican Activities, The Warren Commission, the Administrators of the Lan****e Truss Fund and the War Crimes Commission in the Hague.

Negotiations are underway with NBC and CBS for rights to the day time soap adaptation. (A replacement for "The Bold and the Beautiful" is being sought.) The negotiations are currently at a stalemate. Unfortunately when you signed up Coffee for NSBB while you weren't looking he inserted (you know how obssessed he is with that activity) a clause which gave his twins top billing on both the opening and closing credits of any TV or film adaptation of NSBB. The suits from CBS and NBC are objecting to the wording that Coffee is insisting upon ...
"Starring the Coffee Twin Towers,
   the friendly faces of terrorism"

Actually Joe, the illustration from your S. Lang***e book is perfectly acceptable, because that isn't a picture of Mr La**ille himself. In fact, if I'm not much mistaken, it's a drawing of Organ Morgan looking pleased that he's finally got something hot and throbbing between his legs.

Brian, you are cruel. This "No Further Postings Featuring S**** L*******" rule precludes the most of the doctored photos.

For example, I would boast my latest illustration of a slangbook..., so I'm obliged to prepare for the retorsions.

Excellent...everybody's come! (Must have been Organ Morgan's photograph that did the trick.)

Paul: A fine advert for Easy-Jet there. Although I can't help wondering whether those towering paragons of finesse would have faired considerably better in the 'bounce-back' stakes than the two, somewhat more cheaply constructed towers in New York.

Larry: Don't worry...just look upon this place as a sanctuary from the corruption of the world. Although I can't guarentee there won't be any wombat shit scattered about the place.

Kevin: Political opinions? As the evidence already shows you don't need any opinions to post anything here. Just ready access to photographs of naked women and bouncing penises, something to doctor them with, a photograph of Terry Sedgwick's head for the aforementioned doctoring, and a willingness to destroy any potential career you might have been banking on by blogging this rubbish here.

Terry: If you want to salvage anything from the Not-So-Big-Brother site (for whatever reasons, whether legal or otherwise) then you'll have to hurry as the board gets blown up on Saturday in commemoration of the day that America found out what terrorism's like from the other side.

Joe: I stuffed a turkey last Christmas myself. As for the Stupid Penis Tricks animation, my one stipulation for this board is 'No Further Postings Featuring S**** L******** please.'

Anyhow, thanks for joining us everyone. There might be one or two late comers to arrive yet but, for now, it looks like it's business as normal then.

Brian :o)

Though I didn't find it in the list, but I think the doctored news is welcome too in the heap of the rants.

Hi, I'm here.

Officially signing on with my own rant from the land Downunder where the WTC was destroyed on 9/11/2001.

MUST have happened here, otherwise why for the next
week or more has every megahertz of Australian TV and radio, and
every column inch in our newspapers been set aside for second by
second, pixel by pixel examination and "commemoration" of
September 11. It starts tonight ... "9/11, The Firefighters' Story"
...and it's only 9/4, like they say "but there's MORE!" .

9/11 ... 24/7 ... 20/20 ... 50/50 ...9/11 ... 24/7 ... 20/20 ... 50/50 ...9/11 ... 24/7 ... 20/20 ... 50/50 ...
bugger me, there's a lot of this stuff about.

I don't diminish the horror of the event but fair suck
of the sauce bottle cobbers. Normal programming is being
suspended, live all night coverage ... yep, you've guessed it ...
from U.S. news feeds. And pardon me for being cynical, indeed
clairvoyant, but the coverage is going to be ugly. Maudlin,
hyperbolic, bathos, trite ... like Brian says, pure Oprah. The
victims deserve better than what I fear is going to be served

To be ENTIRELY cynical, I could see that Dubbya might see
this period of grief and overweaning nationalism as exactly
the right time to start his bloodying of Saddam's shnoz.

P.S. Nice tits Morgs, but I thought Hughes had embargoed
posting pics (even undoctored ones like the one below) of spouses.

P.P.S. "This website aims to provide Americans with an education in cynicism, satire and wit."
Brian, it would be more efficacious to bypass the educational process
and go straight to the frontal lobotomy. Most Americans I have met who
have been lobotomised exhibit a greater awareness of the real world
than their great unwashed and unlobotomised counterparts.
(Most of them are amazed we speak Engalish down here in Austria.)
Never one to miss a party, I have signed on. Let the drinking begin!


As one of those feeble-minded Americans who needs to be enlightened about the course of current events, I...Kevin Coffee...present myself for inclusion as a member of the Rant-Of-The-Week Blogger Board. I can't promise I'll come up with any good political opinions at all, however, as my mind is rarely ever occupied with such things, instead focusing on the latest exploits of my twin penises.
In honor of September 11th ... another set of twin towers:

Tuesday, September 03, 2002

Yes folks...the rant of the week is back...whether you like it or not!

With the anniversary of September the Eleventh thundering expectantly round the corner, America is no doubt gearing itself up for All night love-ins, Sing-a-longs featuring talentless celebrities adorned in star-spangled banners, Stirring tales related by Oprah Winfrey accompanied by sentimental music (because Oprah's viewers have forgotten how to experience emotions without an accompaniment) and...hmmm...what else? Oh yes...I remember...the Third World War will be starting in Iraq just as soon as the candle smoke clears.

Tony bin Blair, true to form of course and now complete with an enigmatic James Bond type dossier, is hoovering the president's rectum with his dextrous tongue as we speak.

On the eleventh, millions of meaningless wicks will flicker in the gloaming across the Atlantic -- lest we forget about those who died so spectacularly for the benefit of the BBC. Unfortunately, Mel Gibson appears to have forgotten one or two of the people who perished already. In his latest film -- I've no idea what it's called and, quite frankly, I don't care -- a true war story...or at least as true a war-story as Hollywood can generate...the hero was originally a veteran from Cornwall. A veteran who died saving his work colleagues in the twin towers disaster. But bollocks to him, the English bastard...he's now been replaced by an invented American character because Smelly Mel can't get the accent right.

Perhaps on that glitterati-filled night, somebody out there might also remember those countless thousands of peasants etc who have died in Afghanistan since Osama obligingly disappeared. (Thirty-something thousand at the last count, but we all stopped caring after we bombed that last wedding, didn't we? Still, it makes a change from British ground troops. It's amazing, isn't it? All that sophisticated weaponry and the only targets we manage to hit are ones with red crosses on them.)

Honest Hughes Bookmakers is currently taking bets on not a single dead Afghan peasant being remembered in the vigil.

Also being forgotten, no doubt, will be the fact that America set up the training camps for the Al Queda network in the first instant, in an attempt to get the Russians out of Afhanistan. Not to mention America helping the Taliban to power and then abandoning the downtrodden people to their fate as more important matters took precedence.

Unfortunately the World Summit recently, designed to create intitiatives to reduce global poverty and clean up the environment, wasn't one of those 'more important matters'...which is hardly surprising when you consider that American industries are not only the biggest exaggeraters when it comes to announcing their profits, but also the largest polluters on the planet.

So, good citizens of the U.S.A. (and I'm sure there must be some out there) please light a candle on September the Eleventh and hold it up to that God-awful flag of yours that supposedly represents fair-play, liberty and truth. And I'll be donning my Guy Fawkes costume and doing the same with four tons of gunpowder beneath the Houses of Parliment to show solidarity.

In the you might already have noticed...the SCRAG ENDS Rant of the Week is back, and no doubt it'll soon be accompanied by the usual team of fellow bloggers specially hand-chosen for their lack of anything more constructive to do. Feel free to complain, comment, e-mail me or sulk. But don't bother sending me the Klez virus because my computer is, apparently, immune.

Brian Hughes