Editor's note: The above photograph copyright John Simpson, BBC News and Current Affairs Dept.
Legendary Soul Mountain Barry White...RIP (and that's just the sound of his underpant elastic giving up the ghost.) It's going take more than sexual healing to get out of this one.
Meanwhile Tony bin Bastard has expressed reservations today that the American government is planning a 'Kangaroo' court for two British terrorist suspects kept at Guantanamo Bay. The prisoners are both facing illegal hearings and possible execution. Said Uncle Tony, "Still...at least kangaroos have a better sense of judgement than the chimpanzee who's running the show."
In Iraq the liberated population continue to celebrate their independence by shooting American soldiers. Since the war ended more than 300 American liberators have died in combat and riots are regularly witnessed on the streets.
"They're just happy to be free," said Colonel Arnie Ringpiece as he struggled to subdue an Iraqi child beneath his boot. "God bless American justice."
Leaving aside the obvious ethical arguments over government
lies spin during the build up to the Iraq slaughter war and the subsequent findings...or lack of them...in the Weapons of Mass Destruction department, the recent schoolboy tit-for-tit barney between Alison Alistar Campbell and the good old chinless Auntie Beeb has been an interesting one.
Two bloated, right wing institutions that for years have been the mainstay of that great party unelect the aristocracy, each a crutch to the other, now slogging it out for Channel 4 News.
You've got to laugh, haven't you?
In more halcyon times Herr Blair was always around, extending the licence fee regardless of better production values from the independents so that the Lords in charge of the BBC could, in return, continue to fill the minds of common plebs with royalist bullshit, keep a lid on Mandleson's anal activities and maintain the status quo of the pecking order where the germs know their place in servitude to their hierarchical betters.
And now this. One group of loathsome, lying twats name-calling another group of loathsome, lying twats. It had to happen sooner or later. Self servitude and hedonism at the expense of those less fortunate will always result in syphilis, or bankruptcy, or punch-ups in the ranks of those who believe themselves the most important...or hopefully much worse.
If I weren't so tired of the whole charade I'd probably laugh myself. But I need three stiff whiskeys and one not so stiff shirt collar first. And Wimbledon, now thoroughly lacking in British hopefuls, has once again ousted Robot Wars...still full of British winners...from its usual spot.
So to weekend, perchance to drink.
Hello, people of planet earth. May name is Zarblaf and I am putting my life in danger by posting on this blog. My people have been visiting and studying your planet for a long, long time. We live by a rule to keep our presence a secret, and to avoid communicating with lifeforms on Earth as much as possible. So I am breaking these rules to now communicate with you, and to help you understand some things that humans have never understood. I hope to reach out to whoever frequents this blog for the purpose of enlightening a few humans with some basic truths that all humans need, because...frankly...as a whole, you ignorant fuckers are RUINING a wonderful planet.
Now, you may wonder why I am providing this valuable service on Brian Hughes' blog. Well, it's not that I feel I can reach the most people here. It's more because Brian doesn't seem to give a hedgehog's fuck WHAT gets posted here. I thank you in advance, Sir Hughes, for allowing me to use this space on your blog.
I'll start slow, and try not to overwhelm you with too much all at once. So, for our first lesson, here's the number one problem that causes humans to do so much damage to their world and each other...religious beliefs. Every fucking religion ever created on the planet earth is a fairy tale. Early civilizations wanted, rightly so, to answer questions about the universe. And without any knowledge of reality, every civilization fabricates their own creation stories and gods to answer these questions. Don't feel bad. EVERY civilization on every planet in the universe does this. It's natural. The problem comes when these beliefs and traditions and persecutions are clung to long after scientific research proves that they are based on ridiculous stories. Religion becomes too easy of a means to control others and rule over their minds and possessions, so religious leaders want to keep starting their wars and preaching their silly doctrine forever.
My first lesson for all of you is to IMMEDIATELY let go of your religion. Stop going to that church or temple. You Christians especially need to just give the whole fucking stupid thing up. The "God" of the Bible is a stupid fuckhead who doesn't understand the universe, as is clearly established in the Old Testament where the Sick Fuck spends most of the time coming up with new ways to punish people with the most violent, sickening acts possible. The New Testament is a bunch of different misinterpretations of the same pointless story. Was there really a Jesus? Yes. He was born to a young tart knocked-up before she should have been and this was covered up by a stupid story that Jesus believed his entire life, that he was immaculately conceived by God. This caused a huge amount of confusion once Jesus got old enough to realize that all he really wanted to do was suck cock. And so he spent the rest of his life with his homosexual friends getting fucked worshipfully up the ass until he was killed because of the stupid "Son of God" stories they kept telling and the fake "miracles" they kept staging. After the crucifixion, his friends burnt his remains away and continued for years to convince weak-minded people that he had been a god to hide the homosexual, pointless truth of his life. How all of you can still be falling for this to this day is amazing to me. Let it go.
So you may ask...what should I believe, then? We'll deal with this as time goes on. For now, just stop going to your assenine churches, giving them your hard-earned money while they play with the genitals of your children.
How to suckseed at spin!
Ar dorm mastar is called Lord Alistar Cambell and he a secretty shadowy carachter! He say yuo got yurself in a tight hole this time Tony and no mistake forging that war with irakistan and shaggging those quoirboyz lik that! I'l hav to spin some ov yur stoopid bullshit (hem hem) into somethin wat looks gud and makes yuo apear to be a piuos and nobal prim minister. Then off he goes and leeks storys to the pres about how it was dooing the quoirboyz lots ov good to swollow all that seamen and choke on Tonies dik like that! He ver clever man and excelant at distrackting from the trooth!
Then the masters at the BBC get wind ov his shenanananigans (chiz chiz) and they say Mister Cowbell we are sick of yur lying boloks and yur eval wayz. Yuo hav lied abowt the figurs for educashun, for helth and povarty and evrything else in the hole of time ever! Yuo are a ver bad man and we will tell the Brittish pubic how yuo inventted the irakistan war and kiled milions ov inocent peeple just to take there minds of the problams back home. Then Alistare Handbell starts to get wurried. The game is up and his guose is cukked! But insted ov admiting to what hes duone he goes to the seleck comitey and he says those bastturds at the Beeeeb delibratly lied about me liing becos there all liing bastturds. Wich of curse they ar!
Big row brakes out! Chiz chiz! Fistycuffs in the quad and tooths been broked in the bikeshed! Lord Seleck of the Comity thros Sir Alistars cap on the roof and Sir Alisdair opens Lord Reez Moggs satchal and pidles inside it and the labor party and the torys and the whips all gather round in a cirkle and shout Barney Barney Barney becos mister Camber luks like a big talantlesz purpel dinosor!
And in the meentime ov course the rest ov the cuntry has forgoten abowt the ilegality of the irakistan war and mooved onto moor intrestin things such as David Beckems bals and wether the new bird (hem hem) in big bruver is a bloke with a cock or not.
So Mr Camberwell has won and we all adoor him and roust him into the playground shuoting well done Alistar you span us owt of anuther sticky hole my gud fellow now its time for a damm gud Hogwarts roistering.
Graham Norton reviews the Sax Coburghs.
Oh, hello, hello. Ahuhuhuh...snicker. Hello, yes! Yes! It's Graham Norton here! Graham Norton! Hello lovely people! Ahuhuhuh! Graham Norton here...ahuhuhuhuh...repeating everything I say at least three times....yes, that's right...three times. That's because our team of dedicated script writers are shit! Shit, ladies and gentlemen! And they can only produce enough material for about five minutes of broadcasting time. Yes...broadcasting time. Ahuhuhuh. Then the rest of it has to be stretched to its limit. Rather like Elizabeth's fanny was the last time Philip stuck his fist up there! Ahuhhuhuhuhuhuhgiggletittersnickersnickerahuhuhuhuhuhuhuh! Leave it! Leave it! Ahahahuhuhuhahuhahuhuh. Anyway, anyway! Great news, great news! Ahuhuhuhuh...would you look at this audience. This woman in the front row...this woman...she's going like this, titter titter titter. She is...look at her. She's going, titter titter titter. You old slag! Ahuhuhuhuhsniggersmirktitterahuhuhuhahahahahahuh! Anyway...ahuhuhuhuhuh...moving swiftly on....swiftly on now...fantastic news! Yes...fantastic news! Apparently...apparently...Prince Andrew...Prince Andrew has decided to become born again...yes, born again, lovely people! When asked why...when asked why...he said that it must have been simply ages now since he'd been up an old queen! Ahuh! Ahuhuhuhuhuhsnickersnicker! Leave it! Ahuhuhuhuh! Leave it!
Enough...look at the time! It's taken me half a page for one completely shit joke! Time to get a guest on and talk over the top of them and show them some humorous dildoes. Ahuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhgigglesnickersnicker.