Saturday, July 05, 2003

I thought as much ...


Editor's note: The above photograph copyright John Simpson, BBC News and Current Affairs Dept.


Legendary Soul Mountain Barry White...RIP (and that's just the sound of his underpant elastic giving up the ghost.) It's going take more than sexual healing to get out of this one.

Meanwhile Tony bin Bastard has expressed reservations today that the American government is planning a 'Kangaroo' court for two British terrorist suspects kept at Guantanamo Bay. The prisoners are both facing illegal hearings and possible execution. Said Uncle Tony, " least kangaroos have a better sense of judgement than the chimpanzee who's running the show."

In Iraq the liberated population continue to celebrate their independence by shooting American soldiers. Since the war ended more than 300 American liberators have died in combat and riots are regularly witnessed on the streets.
"They're just happy to be free," said Colonel Arnie Ringpiece as he struggled to subdue an Iraqi child beneath his boot. "God bless American justice."

Friday, July 04, 2003

Campbell vs the BBC: Round Twelve

Leaving aside the obvious ethical arguments over government lies spin during the build up to the Iraq slaughter war and the subsequent findings...or lack of the Weapons of Mass Destruction department, the recent schoolboy tit-for-tit barney between Alison Alistar Campbell and the good old chinless Auntie Beeb has been an interesting one.
Two bloated, right wing institutions that for years have been the mainstay of that great party unelect the aristocracy, each a crutch to the other, now slogging it out for Channel 4 News.
You've got to laugh, haven't you?
In more halcyon times Herr Blair was always around, extending the licence fee regardless of better production values from the independents so that the Lords in charge of the BBC could, in return, continue to fill the minds of common plebs with royalist bullshit, keep a lid on Mandleson's anal activities and maintain the status quo of the pecking order where the germs know their place in servitude to their hierarchical betters.
And now this. One group of loathsome, lying twats name-calling another group of loathsome, lying twats. It had to happen sooner or later. Self servitude and hedonism at the expense of those less fortunate will always result in syphilis, or bankruptcy, or punch-ups in the ranks of those who believe themselves the most important...or hopefully much worse.
If I weren't so tired of the whole charade I'd probably laugh myself. But I need three stiff whiskeys and one not so stiff shirt collar first. And Wimbledon, now thoroughly lacking in British hopefuls, has once again ousted Robot Wars...still full of British winners...from its usual spot.
So to weekend, perchance to drink.

Thursday, July 03, 2003

With leaders like this who needs enemies.

"There are some who feel like that conditions are such that they can attack us there," Bush told reporters at the White House. "My answer is: Bring them on. We have the force necessary to deal with the situation."

The judicious application of lethal farce.

"Watch your back, Eugene, there's a sniper at 12 o'clock high" U.S. soldiers in Iraq must be SO grateful for this statement issued from thousands of kilometres away by their surrounded by a thousand or so security gorillas Commander in Chief. The authority and credibility to issue such a challenge is backed up by GWB's own service record during the Vietman war.

Share prices of companies manufacturing body bags go through the roof.

A pit bull terrier with rabies says "I think I can do business with this guy".

Republican President Ronnie Reagan is inducted into "The Intellectual Behemoth Hall of Fame".

Republican President Gen. Dwight D Eisenhower turns in grave.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse head for the Texas rodeo.

The Return of the Battleaxe

Ruddy young 'ooligans t'day make me sick ('scuse me Paki)! Always in such a rush t' get somewhere where they shouldn't be, doin' something what they no doubt shouldn't be doin'! They 'ave no respect an' no time f'r their elders no more!
I 'ad one be'ind me in Iceland last week.
"Madam!" 'ee says, all stuck up an' 'aughty like. "You've bin standin' in front o' the black puddin' counter f'r three quarters of an 'our now an' nobody can get past!"
"What's y'r 'urry?" replies I all witty an' knowledgable like. "Your longjohns on fire?"
"I'm ninety-eight an' I fought in two world wars, y' know!" 'ee says as though it was worth sommet.
So I kicked his Zimmer out from under 'im and said, "So w'at!? I'm an 'undred and nintey two and I 'ad t' defend me 'onour against the nig nogs durin' the Boar war!"
Course then a fight broke out an' 'is false teeth ended up in the cooked meats cabinet.
Two bobbies were called in from where they was shoppin' in Woolies and we were both arrested an' locked up f'r the night by the fascist bastards ('scuse me Nipples)!
Now I'm pregnant an' it's all 'is fault.
If my 'Enry was alive 'ee'd 'ave a fit. But that's because 'ee was epicentic.

Wednesday, July 02, 2003

Attention, Earthlings!

Hello, people of planet earth. May name is Zarblaf and I am putting my life in danger by posting on this blog. My people have been visiting and studying your planet for a long, long time. We live by a rule to keep our presence a secret, and to avoid communicating with lifeforms on Earth as much as possible. So I am breaking these rules to now communicate with you, and to help you understand some things that humans have never understood. I hope to reach out to whoever frequents this blog for the purpose of enlightening a few humans with some basic truths that all humans need, a whole, you ignorant fuckers are RUINING a wonderful planet.

Now, you may wonder why I am providing this valuable service on Brian Hughes' blog. Well, it's not that I feel I can reach the most people here. It's more because Brian doesn't seem to give a hedgehog's fuck WHAT gets posted here. I thank you in advance, Sir Hughes, for allowing me to use this space on your blog.

I'll start slow, and try not to overwhelm you with too much all at once. So, for our first lesson, here's the number one problem that causes humans to do so much damage to their world and each other...religious beliefs. Every fucking religion ever created on the planet earth is a fairy tale. Early civilizations wanted, rightly so, to answer questions about the universe. And without any knowledge of reality, every civilization fabricates their own creation stories and gods to answer these questions. Don't feel bad. EVERY civilization on every planet in the universe does this. It's natural. The problem comes when these beliefs and traditions and persecutions are clung to long after scientific research proves that they are based on ridiculous stories. Religion becomes too easy of a means to control others and rule over their minds and possessions, so religious leaders want to keep starting their wars and preaching their silly doctrine forever.

My first lesson for all of you is to IMMEDIATELY let go of your religion. Stop going to that church or temple. You Christians especially need to just give the whole fucking stupid thing up. The "God" of the Bible is a stupid fuckhead who doesn't understand the universe, as is clearly established in the Old Testament where the Sick Fuck spends most of the time coming up with new ways to punish people with the most violent, sickening acts possible. The New Testament is a bunch of different misinterpretations of the same pointless story. Was there really a Jesus? Yes. He was born to a young tart knocked-up before she should have been and this was covered up by a stupid story that Jesus believed his entire life, that he was immaculately conceived by God. This caused a huge amount of confusion once Jesus got old enough to realize that all he really wanted to do was suck cock. And so he spent the rest of his life with his homosexual friends getting fucked worshipfully up the ass until he was killed because of the stupid "Son of God" stories they kept telling and the fake "miracles" they kept staging. After the crucifixion, his friends burnt his remains away and continued for years to convince weak-minded people that he had been a god to hide the homosexual, pointless truth of his life. How all of you can still be falling for this to this day is amazing to me. Let it go.

So you may ask...what should I believe, then? We'll deal with this as time goes on. For now, just stop going to your assenine churches, giving them your hard-earned money while they play with the genitals of your children.

Chiz Chiz!

How to suckseed at spin!

Ar dorm mastar is called Lord Alistar Cambell and he a secretty shadowy carachter! He say yuo got yurself in a tight hole this time Tony and no mistake forging that war with irakistan and shaggging those quoirboyz lik that! I'l hav to spin some ov yur stoopid bullshit (hem hem) into somethin wat looks gud and makes yuo apear to be a piuos and nobal prim minister. Then off he goes and leeks storys to the pres about how it was dooing the quoirboyz lots ov good to swollow all that seamen and choke on Tonies dik like that! He ver clever man and excelant at distrackting from the trooth!
Then the masters at the BBC get wind ov his shenanananigans (chiz chiz) and they say Mister Cowbell we are sick of yur lying boloks and yur eval wayz. Yuo hav lied abowt the figurs for educashun, for helth and povarty and evrything else in the hole of time ever! Yuo are a ver bad man and we will tell the Brittish pubic how yuo inventted the irakistan war and kiled milions ov inocent peeple just to take there minds of the problams back home. Then Alistare Handbell starts to get wurried. The game is up and his guose is cukked! But insted ov admiting to what hes duone he goes to the seleck comitey and he says those bastturds at the Beeeeb delibratly lied about me liing becos there all liing bastturds. Wich of curse they ar!
Big row brakes out! Chiz chiz! Fistycuffs in the quad and tooths been broked in the bikeshed! Lord Seleck of the Comity thros Sir Alistars cap on the roof and Sir Alisdair opens Lord Reez Moggs satchal and pidles inside it and the labor party and the torys and the whips all gather round in a cirkle and shout Barney Barney Barney becos mister Camber luks like a big talantlesz purpel dinosor!
And in the meentime ov course the rest ov the cuntry has forgoten abowt the ilegality of the irakistan war and mooved onto moor intrestin things such as David Beckems bals and wether the new bird (hem hem) in big bruver is a bloke with a cock or not.
So Mr Camberwell has won and we all adoor him and roust him into the playground shuoting well done Alistar you span us owt of anuther sticky hole my gud fellow now its time for a damm gud Hogwarts roistering.

Stadium Viagra

Young Boys' Wankdorf erection woe

BERNE, Switzerland, June 26 (Reuters) - Young Boys have been forced to play a UEFA Cup qualifier with Finnish side MyPa away from their Neufeld home after European soccer's governing body UEFA refused to allow temporary seating.

The Neufeld is being used as an temporary home while Young Boys' new Wankdorf stadium, which will become the Swiss national team's home, is built following the demolition of their previous home.


Tuesday, July 01, 2003

Pay no attention. Just checking HTML in title box. LINK
Works OK

Yes, a real survivor show.

Erotic photo from the


What's Going Here? (See what's going on, Mr. Editor? HTML-able but there is a limit to number of characters that can be typed in the "title" box.)

Graham Norton reviews the Sax Coburghs.

Oh, hello, hello. Ahuhuhuh...snicker. Hello, yes! Yes! It's Graham Norton here! Graham Norton! Hello lovely people! Ahuhuhuh! Graham Norton here...ahuhuhuhuh...repeating everything I say at least three times....yes, that's right...three times. That's because our team of dedicated script writers are shit! Shit, ladies and gentlemen! And they can only produce enough material for about five minutes of broadcasting time. Yes...broadcasting time. Ahuhuhuh. Then the rest of it has to be stretched to its limit. Rather like Elizabeth's fanny was the last time Philip stuck his fist up there! Ahuhhuhuhuhuhuhgiggletittersnickersnickerahuhuhuhuhuhuhuh! Leave it! Leave it! Ahahahuhuhuhahuhahuhuh. Anyway, anyway! Great news, great news! Ahuhuhuhuh...would you look at this audience. This woman in the front row...this woman...she's going like this, titter titter titter. She is...look at her. She's going, titter titter titter. You old slag! Ahuhuhuhuhsniggersmirktitterahuhuhuhahahahahahuh! Anyway...ahuhuhuhuhuh...moving swiftly on....swiftly on now...fantastic news! Yes...fantastic news! Apparently...apparently...Prince Andrew...Prince Andrew has decided to become born again...yes, born again, lovely people! When asked why...when asked why...he said that it must have been simply ages now since he'd been up an old queen! Ahuh! Ahuhuhuhuhuhsnickersnicker! Leave it! Ahuhuhuhuh! Leave it!
Enough...look at the time! It's taken me half a page for one completely shit joke! Time to get a guest on and talk over the top of them and show them some humorous dildoes. Ahuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhgigglesnickersnicker.

Only in Australia.

Unsafe as a church: A country church was almost pushed
into a lake after a prime mover crashed in central Victoria.

Monday, June 30, 2003


The Tories were facing a new sleaze row yesterday after it emerged a top strategist runs an agency organising sex parties.

Scot Dougie Smith, 41, is the co-ordinator of right-wing think tank Conservatives for Change (Cchange).

But he also heads Fever Parties, a London-based agency that hosts orgies for fashionable professionals.

Yesterday, it was confirmed that Smith had been organising sex parties in Mayfair town houses and country mansions.

The organisation has also recently run an event in Manchester.

The parties can draw up to 50 couples who can swap partners.

Admission costs £45 a couple with single women offered a reduced rate of £25.

Yesterday, Smith said he had done nothing wrong.

He added: "I've never made a secret of the fact that I run both Cchange and Fever.

"The two things don't overlap and, therefore, do not pose a problem.

But the revelation will upset traditional Tories.

Former shadow home secretary Ann Widdecombe said: "I certainly don't regard it light-heartedly.

"I take a dim view of that sort of thing."

Poor old Ann, miffed again at not getting a discount invite to a dimly lit , free and frank exchange, pants-down soirée. If this is the current level of Tory Party peccadilloes then I am sorely disappointed. Bring back the plastic bags, the Russians spies in rubber and the rent boys.

What ever happened to traditional values?

Call for truce in BBC war of words

The British Prime Minister's main spokesman, Alastair Campbell, has called for a temporary truce in his row with the BBC over the Government's Iraq dossier.

Mr Campbell says he believes there is little point in the two sides having more exchanges until a parliamentary committee reports back on the issue next week.

His letter comes after a weekend of continued argument, with more ministers entering the row castigating the BBC.

The committee is investigating the BBC's report claiming Downing Street exaggerated an intelligence report issued in the build-up to the Iraq war.

How brave of Mr Campbell to start the war, fire a few salvos from Coward's Castle over the bow at the messenger then run away. Better luck huntin' down and smokin' out the WMDs (Words of Mass Deception) possessed by the BBC.

Alistair old chap have you met my friend Richard?

I wouldn't be sleeping this week if I were the McSpin doctor who devised this plan.

Do cast an eye over this "McRisky McPublicity-stunt" post at "The Spin Starts Here Darl". I was amused, not that that is necessarily a good guide.

Error: 404

I'm lucky, I draw cartoons.
Someone else has drawn the short straw. Bugger!

I've been lucky enough to have met Jeff Heath, rabbited on with him on the phone a number of times and have done some cartoons for him in his campaign to win a Senate seat and for "Link" magazine. As important as anything that he might have brought to the Senate has been his work as a tireless, articulate and determined spokesperson, activist and role model for the disabled.

MORE at "There aint no Sanity Clause".

Sunday, June 29, 2003

Sydney diocese may withdraw over gay appointment

The Anglican Archbishop of Sydney has warned that his diocese may withdraw from the worldwide church if a gay British canon is made a bishop.

Canon Jeff John is seeking consecration as the bishop of Reading, and the Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams appears likely to approve the move.

Dr Peter Jensen has been asked whether his diocese is serious about withdrawing from the world church.

"Yes because I think the folk here in Britain have simply underestimated the importance of what they've done," he said.

"Therefore by the time this gets debated in our own synod, I wouldn't be surprised if the synod wished to send a powerful message to the worldwide church about its opinion."

Cross posting from "There aint no Sanity Clause"

Occupation Forces Halt Elections Throughout Iraq

By William Booth and Rajiv Chandrasekaran
Washington Post Staff Writers
Saturday, June 28, 2003; Page A20

SAMARRA, Iraq -- U.S. military commanders have ordered a halt to local elections and self-rule in provincial cities and towns across Iraq, choosing instead to install their own handpicked mayors and administrators, many of whom are former Iraqi military leaders.

The decision to deny Iraqis a direct role in selecting municipal governments is creating anger and resentment among aspiring leaders and ordinary citizens, who say the U.S.-led occupation forces are not making good on their promise to bring greater freedom and democracy to a country dominated for three decades by Saddam Hussein.

The go-slow approach to representative government in at least a dozen provincial cities is especially frustrating to younger, middle-class professionals who say they want to help their communities emerge from postwar chaos and to let, as one put it, "Iraqis make decisions for Iraq."

"They give us a general," said Bahith Sattar, a biology teacher and tribal leader in Samarra who was a candidate for mayor until that election was canceled last week. "What does that tell you, eh? First of all, an Iraqi general? They lost the last three wars! They're not even good generals. And they know nothing about running a city."

The most recent order to stop planning for elections was made by Maj. Gen. Ray Odierno, commander of the 4th Infantry Division, which controls the northern half of Iraq. It follows similar decisions by the 3rd Infantry Division in central Iraq and those of British commanders in the south.

In the capital, Baghdad, U.S. officials never scheduled elections for a city government, but have said they are forming neighborhood councils that at some point will play a role in the selection of a municipal government.

L. Paul Bremer, the civil administrator of Iraq, said in an interview that there is "no blanket prohibition" against self-rule. "I'm not opposed to it, but I want to do it a way that takes care of our concerns . . . . Elections that are held too early can be destructive. It's got to be done very carefully."

"In a postwar situation like this, if you start holding elections, the people who are rejectionists tend to win," Bremer said. "It's often the best-organized who win, and the best-organized right now are the former Baathists and to some extent the Islamists." Bremer was referring to members of Hussein's Baath Party and religiously oriented political leaders.

Bremer and other U.S. officials are fearful that Islamic leaders such as Moqtada Sadr, a young Shiite Muslim cleric popular on the streets of Baghdad, and Ayatollah Mohammed Bakir Hakim, leader of the Iranian-supported Supreme Council for Islamic Revolution in Iraq, would be best positioned to field winning candidates.

Translation: "the lot we don't want to win are the best placed to win." An addition to the famous Iraqi deck of cards ... the Yellow Card.

So there is going to be some means whereby these "best organised" will be disorganised? Are they the "best organised" because they are the two largest coherent/identifiable political groups? Where are the U.S. officials' alternatives? Do I detect a whiff of Chile in the air here? If these currently "best organised" still win after the U.S. officials' *reorganisation* of goal posts on the U.S. manufactured levelled playing field ... then what? The support troops from the Florida electoral office spin their magic? If they don't, will they just go away? Will the Iraqi population be so gobsmacked by the overwhelming benefits of the U.S. officials' socially and politically engineered election result that they will brook no opposition. Does "the Iraqi in the street" feel comforted by the former Iraqi military men US officials have selected to run the cities?

These questions are only partly rhetorical. My impression that they don't have a clue what to do or how to do it. It isn't quite as simple as it first seemed ... send in the troops, remove Saddam, flowers for the liberators, democracy breaks out all over Iraq and everything in the garden is lovely.


Bloody foreigners! No wonder we don't want them in our patch.