Saturday, March 22, 2003

"The Australian War Memorial in Canberra is considering hiring an official war artist to create images of the conflict in Iraq."

Note to Editor. Please forward your C.V. tout suite. The competiton is hot. The U.S. State Department is already creating images of the conflict as fast as it can hire the pixelators and whitewashers.

Editor's note: No sooner said than done...

Perfick, mein Editor ... encapsulates Bush's proposition that "my anenome's anenome is my fresia except after "c" when the square on the hyperbole is equal to the sum of the borders of the other two warring factions. And is there honey still for tea?"

On the day war broke out three CNN reporters were 'arrested' at the Iraqi border and have since disappeared. This morning a car bomb in Northern Iraq killed an Australian reporter (sorry...don't know his name) and this afternoon Terry Lloyd the British television reporter and his crew came under fire just south of Basr. They are now missing in action. Considering that only one American soldier has been killed in combat so far the ratio isn't looking good. Kate Adie, whose prediction that journalists would be picked off by American forces, has gone into hiding.

An Australian cameraman on assignment for the ABC has been killed in a suicide bombing in Iraq.

Details from Deputy Editor ...
Paul Moran died instantly when the car exploded at Sayed Sadiq in Northern Iraq. ABC correspondent Eric Campbell survived the attack, suffering minor shrapnel injuries and shock. Mr Moran, 39, who was originally from Adelaide, worked extensively in the Middle East from his base in Bahrain, before moving to Paris last year. Mr Moran is survived by his wife and baby daughter. Nine other people were injured in the bombing.

Meanwhile in Britain there are unconfirmed rumours about evil dictator Tony bin Blair's death. Blair was last since the night before hostilities broke out. Since then he has made one appearance on British television but his defiant speech had obviously been pre-recorded. Ambassadors at the United Nations claim to have seen Blair in their midsts but Jacques Chirac said, "He was obviously just a puppet being controlled by the American government." Investigations are still underway.

In Iraq, despite the fact that the War is now well into its third day, as yet no weapons of mass destruction have been launched to defend the country. When asked if this was proof that the premise for invading this third world country was bullshit, General Frankly-my-dear-I-couldn't-give-a-damn replied, "There's plenty of time left yet for them to appear." Tonight several suspicious looking trucks were seen crossing the border carrying cargos of 'tomato sauce'. "We are definitely not going to plant evidence," said truck driver Corporal Jeremy Thorpe refusing to show us what the trucks contained. "We're just delivering much needed supplies to MacDonald outlets inside Iraq."

This afternoon, for the first time since the war began, the American military held a press conference in the 'Debriefing Room' at Qatar. The room was specially constructed by Hollywood set designers at a cost of half a million dollars. In order to save the American forces some desperately needed money I submitted my own plans for a 'cheaper' version of this room several weeks ago. However...for reasons I've yet to artist's impressions were rejected.

Thank Gawd f'r that ('scuse my Vietnamese)! I've finally managed to escape from that Iraqi concentration camp where I was bein' 'eld 'ostage. W'at an hors d' oeuvres! It all started Friday mornin' w'en I went t' pick up me Daily Mail and 'alf dozen eggs from Hardwick's corner shop. But bugger me sideways ('scuse my Antipodean)! When I got there I discovered that some Iraqis from Pakistan 'ad bought the shop an' turned it into a fancy ricin factory w'at was pretending to be an 'erbalist.

The police didn't seem to 'ave noticed w'at the evil brown fungal-genitals had done an' they 'adn't stopped 'em or nothin'. Well I wasn't 'aving any of it! I'm British for God's sake ('scuse my Bastard)! So I scooped up me paper an' me milk an' me 'alf dozen Lion brand an' I said to the nig-nog behind the counter, "Don't expect me t' pay f'r this you Isambard terrorist citadel! I know your sort...all white teeth an' scud marks! I'm takin' this lot an' I'm goin' to tell Sergeant Crier down at the station. 'Ee'll 'ave you arrested double quick an' 'ave you carted off back to Iran before you can shit in the sink like what you are want t' do! ('Scuse my Bolognaise)"

That's when 'ee started gettin' uppity.

"Excuse me, Madam," 'ee replies all haughty-taughty 'avin' obviously learnt his pigeon English from copies of the Times w'at were smuggled into Iraqistan. "You can't walk out of 'ere without paying for your goods. That would be tantamount to theft."

"Theft!?" I says, all defiant like. "You'd know all about that wouldn't y', Saddam? Stealin' those British Oil Wells w'at are off our coast from under our noses an' setting fire to 'em! Now bugger off! ('Scuse my Womble.)"

Then I hit 'im with me walkin' stick. Three times on the nose. Until it made a snappin' sound.

By this point his 'ideous, tyrannical wife 'ad scuttled across the shop in 'er sandals an' locked the front door. "Raj...telephone the police," she screams in her blackie voice. "I'll keep the old sow 'ere until they turn up."

"Aye you do that, Winnie Mandella!" I shouts, hoistin' me bosoms up round me ears an' fillin' me knickers with good old British pluck. "We'll see 'oo's in for it then!"

Well now...eventually Sergeant Crier turns up. Only it wasn't Sergeant Crier. It was 'is body double w'at they'd snook into England under cover of darkness an' then painted white.

"Come on Mrs 'Ughes," 'ee says grabbing me by the elbow.

"Get your filthy wog 'ands off me you evil Mormon!" I yells, smacking him bravely between the balls ('scuse my Pomeranian) with me tartan brolly. But it was no good. 'Ee carted me off t' the station which 'ad been turned into an Irabic 'Eadquarters. Then 'ee tried t' lock me up with Mrs Ormrod 'oo'd forgotten t' take 'er pills again and 'ad been widdlin' into the gutter...or so they reckoned! I wasn't going to stand for that! I punched 'im 'ard on the chin until 'is 'orrible Iraqi teeth began t' buckle. Then I ran f'r it, abandonin' me Zimmer to its fate.

Since then I've bin down in me cellar with the door locked an' the lights turned out. Those bastards ('scuse my Sitar) ain't gonna take me alive! I've got me diuretic pills 'andy an' I'm not afraid t' take 'em if it comes t' the worst!

Editor's note: Good! Hurry up and swallow them you stupid old bag. Perhaps by Monday you'll have drowned in your own piss.

According to Saddam "God will fight for Iraq" although in what capacity it's not yet known. According to Dubya "God will continue to Bless America throughout the War" although the very fact that he's in charge tends to suggest otherwise. According to God, if the glorious sunshine for today's Anti-War Protests is anything to go off, he thinks they're both cunts. Happy protesting folks...

Last night Baghdad, along with several towns in Northern Iraq, were bombarded by over a thousand cruise missiles and MOABs in what the Bush Administration called 'Phase One' of the 'Shock and Awe' campaign. (Or as the rest of us prefer to call it 'Mass Fucking Murder'.) According to Iraqi sources over 200 civilians were killed seriously injured in the 'precise military removal of strategic targets'. (Or as the rest of us call it 'The uncontrollable destruction of a entire city'.) Some ugly old Scottish New Labour bitch on the BBC News this morning remarked, "We should take these figures from Iraq with a pinch of salt." (Or a squeeze of lemon if her hideous, pig's arse of a face is anything by which to judge.) And I suspect we should. I've no doubt a few pigeons ended up with crisp beaks and several Iraqi children playing too close to the Iraq Ministry of Evil Propaganda ended up with slightly darker tans, but there's no reason to suspect that any of the missiles missed their mark. The fact that, on average, at least ten per cent of missiles tested in the past have buggered up implying that at least 100 of the ones used in last night's Blitzkrieg would have gone astray, is actually just a testament to how wonderful the new Microsoft Systems used to steer such devices have become.

Exactly how many innocent people died in the Northern Iraq towns where BBC and CNN cameras weren't mounted on rooftops isn't known. "Possibly somebody sustained a broken ankle somewhere," said the Ministry of Defence. (Defence? There's an irony!) "But we weren't responsible."

Another twelve British soldiers were also killed in helicopter crashes over night. Somebody, somewhere surely ought to be called to account for this? We've known for months about the problems the military have been having with their helicopters and tanks and yet we've allowed it happen anyway. I'm thinking of phoning the Health and Safety people later for a quiet word.

At the end of Gulf War I the official statistics stood at 14 allied soldiers dead, 142 Iraqis dead. Twelve years down the line and the real statistics are now approaching 150 allied soldiers dead, 10,000 Iraqis dead. Don't believe anything the bastards are reporting on the news right now folks!

Speaking of the news, this war has apparently become an entertainment sport. Every night the cameras in Baghdad are switched on and the presenters in the studio start jiggling up and down as though suffering from haemorrhoids, the excitement of their 'exclusive coverage' ("'s great television!") giving them awkward stiffies. Roving reporters advance on the front lines with great bravado and Bafta awards in their eyes. The video footage is grainy and squalid but it's live and anything can happen. All very reminiscent really of a certain Channel Five programme reviewed on this board some weeks ago.

"Hi! I'm Chuck Plastic of the Los Angeles War Department! And this is "The World's Wildest Bombing Campaigns!" Downtown Baghdad, Aye-Raq! These idiots thought they could drive their truck even when the air raid sirens were going. Those turban-wearing fools! When will they ever learn not to ignore American superiority? Don't they realise they can't outrun cruise missiles? And NO! Turning into a side street next to a hospital isn't going to help them in their pathetic attempts to hide! There's no escaping the full justice of American foreign policy. Moments later and those stupid, Iraqi rednecks are buried beneath fifty tons of rubble. The only driving they'll be doing from now on is in slaves coupled to Baby Jesus' mighty Chariot of Justice!"

Turkish troops (much as predicted) are already entering Northern Iraq to cleanse the Kurds protect their country. (Sounds familiar doesn't it?) Not that the Bush Administration gives a shit about the start of World War III. They're still hoping they've killed Saddam. (How come Saddam only has one name these Lulu and Sting...and Dubya?) American Intelligence (surely a contradiction of terms) claims Saddam was in the room next to the one struck by the initial missile and was injured in the blast. A man resembling Saddam (and, let's face it, there aren't many of them in Baghdad are there?) was seen being carried on a stretcher to the hospital. So they bombed the hospital to be on the safe side.

No...I'm not joking. That is the official line. Deliberately bombing hospitals? Now that really is the end of the Geneva Convention! As Bush himself said a few days ago, "Make no mistake...all War Criminals will be brought to justice."

I really fucking hope so mate.

Human rights groups estimate that at least 290,000 Iraqis have disappeared since Saddam took power 34 years ago.

Let's see, 290,000 divided by 34 equals (hang on while I remove my shoes), one, four, carry the eight, that makes ...... that makes 8,529 Iraqis per year, on an average, have died, err, disappeared under the watchful eye of Mr. Hussein.

For this war to be officially declared "unjust", the United States military (and a few Brits) have to kill 8,530 Iraqis per year for the next 34 years.

Who wants to man the tote board?

Editor's note: According to the Bush Administration they're trying their best to make up for lost time even as I type.


SAFWAN, Iraq (CNN) -- Videotape shot by Kuwaiti TV crews Friday showed about a dozen villagers, most of them adult men, warmly welcoming American soldiers who arrived and briefly took up positions in the village of Safwan.

The men, a few children, and one woman spoke to at least three soldiers who got out of their vehicles. Many shook the soldiers' hands or embraced them, and some kissed the soldiers' cheeks.

"God bless you, thank you very much," said some of the villagers, according to translations by Kuwaiti TV.

"We do not want the oil. Take it. Take it. But build the country. We want to live, we want to travel, we want to walk. It cannot always be the pressure of war, war, destruction, destruction," one villager said. "Enough, enough. We are fed up, fed up. Long live the soldiers."

About a dozen other Iraqis watched from a distance.

The soldiers were seen arriving in at least three armored vehicles and one truck; two helicopters flew by in the distance.

At one point, a soldier tore large pieces from a large poster of Saddam Hussein, the Iraqi president.

One villager took off his sandal and repeatedly hit what remained of the painting of Saddam's face.

The one woman spoke emotionally to the soldiers for a few moments, but it was not clear which comments were hers.

The tape showed a group of about eight adult men and children dancing and singing, "Saddam, your days are numbered. Saddam, your days are numbered."

Editor's note: Meanwhile in America, Britain and Australia, the liberation from the Bush, Blair and Howard Regimes continues unchecked. More propaganda as we get it folks...

Friday, March 21, 2003

Be-beep... be-beep .. be-beep. Dit-dah ... dit dah .. dit dah.

Hello world, this is Peggy Farcus, the only officially credentialled Australian War Correspondent and International Journalistic Icon.

I have been personally appointed by John Howard to report to the nation on Australia's military involvement in Iraqistanbul. Be assured that my reports will not be vetted or compromised by the restrictions imposed on other journalists by the American Ministry of Truth. I am not going to be one of those toady journalists "embedded with American troops", I will be bedding our own brave Diggers. Indeed the Prime Minister's parting words to me were "tell it as you see it Peggy, don't hold back, do what you have to do to get the true story about our brave lads and here's a free pack of Trojans. God bless you Peggy Farcus."

I am travelling with the Australian soldiers to bring you their story up close and personal. I travel in the Australian jeep, I bunk down each night in the Australian tent. I muck in each night and stoke up the field barbeque and make sure the boys eat their greens. I am on a first name basis with each and every one of our lads here in Iraqistanbul. There is the intrepid leader and veteran of the campaign at Mafeking, Colonel Mainwaring, Private Pike, a little wet behind the ear (he lost his right ear during a hostile card game in the trenches at Gallipoli) but hot to trot and a "Smart Spitball" expert and finally Private Godfrey, a Kalgoorlie boy born and bred, who despite having lost an eye, an arm and both legs was specifically chosen for this crusade because of his expertise in landmine detection and defusing.

I shall be back later with detailed reports, but for the moment I have been ordered to get under the jeep as there are enemy French troops approaching believed to be armed with garlic breath of mass destruction. As you can see by the picture above I am never without my gallic gas protective suit.

Be-beep... be-beep .. be-beep. Dit-dah ... dit dah .. dit dah ... over and out for now.

"Come on, get under the jeep Godfrey! Step on it lad!"


Provided by the United States Ministry of Truth

"The humanitarian liberation of Iraq is proceeding according to Our Glorious Leader George Bush's master plan," said sexy screen idol Donald Rumsfeld this afternoon. "The bombing was precise and met with no resistance whatsoever. The first 'dictator-seeking' missile we launched killed Saddam Hussein. It entered his bunker through an open window, navigated several staircases and then knocked politely on the War Cabinet's door before entering, swerving carefully around a three month old foetus that was being used as a pro-life shield and making contact with Saddam's left temple. No other Iraqis were injured...or even frightened...apart from one chaffinch whose tail feathers ended up slightly singed. Brave American troops have been caring for the startled bird in a Mobile Surgical Hospital on the Kuwaiti border and it is believed to making a full recovery."

When asked about Saddam's appearances on television Mr Rumsfeld replied, "We have studied the tapes and now know them to be false. The calendar in the background clearly shows the date as April 17th 1946, the Iraqi foreign minister is just a child in baggy fatigues wearing a stuck-on moustache and what initially appears to be Saddam is a cardboard cut-out with somebody operating the mouth from behind."

Opposition met by ground troops in Umm Pahpah proved to be marginally stronger than originally anticipated. However, after caring American soldiers put forward their pro-war arguments to the ill-informed Iraqis, baffled by their brilliant logic the Iraqis saw reason and immediately surrendered. They are now enjoying their first delicious taste of McDonalds and Coca-Cola in a five star luxury hotel funded by the generous American tax payers.

In Kuwait an army helicopter has crashed killing eight British and four American servicemen. The incident was not the result of incompetent, useless Iraqi defences but was an accident produced by desert sands clogging up the rotor blades. Unfortunately the military had absolutely no idea whatsoever at all about this design fault and could never have predicted such a one-off, unprecedented occurrence ever happening.

Huge explosions rocked the city of Baghdad again last night as more than forty missiles took out ricin coated plant pots, secretly located mines and propaganda-filled posters sponsored by Saddam Hussein's evil regime. A bluebottle was slightly offended in the attack.

In retaliation several nuclear scud missiles were launched from the evil dictator's bottom, carrying anthrax, Dutch elm disease and Chinese Pneumonia. Also strapped to the nose cones were Iraqi babies. "This proves what we've said all along," commented Ari Fleischer from the front line. "Saddam Hussein is a virulent disease who harbours weapons of mass destruction for his own sexual gratification." "Don't you mean 'was'?" asked a stupid reporter. "That's what I said," corrected the handsome Mr Fleischer before recognising the reporter as an evil Iraqi minister and having him shot. All of the scuds were shot down by Patriot missiles whilst B52s caught the babies in specially made nets filled with comfy cushions.

UN figures for estimated war casualties have been greatly exaggerated. The removal of humanitarian aid at the outbreak of hostilities was predicted to result in the deaths of almost one million babies and a further 50,000 to 500,000 adults. "This is clearly nonsense," said the sensible Donald Rumsfeld. "That's just those jealous old Frogs and Krauts trying to stir up more hatred. Fortunately, as Americans, we can rise above those Old European rumours and forgive those who trespass against us."

"This war should be over within a few days," added George W Bush, liberator and humanitarian. Recent polls show that over three-hundred per cent of World Leaders and eight thousand per cent of his own adoring public now believe Mr Bush was extremely wise in making such a difficult decision. "We were fools," said CND activist Walter Swinewings. "Now we fully endorse this peaceful revolution and deserve to go to prison for our crimes against common sense."





Editor's note: You must have been working on this for hours. I know your're trying to steal the cover for the next Rant of the Week magazine aren't you? Actually I think you might have managed with this one.

Thursday, March 20, 2003

American officials are not sure whether the person who appeared on Iraqi television this morning was Saddam Hussein or one of his doubles. In a move to protect himself from possible reprisals, President Bush has decided to employ the same tactics.

Courtesy of some political commentator on the Iraqi War News Coverage this afternoon:

"The Bush administration said last week that the first images of the war would determine what sort of war it would be. Judging from this morning's failed attempt to assasinate Saddam Hussein it's going to be a tragic and pathetic one."

My name's Nicolas Owen. If you've just joined us this is a Specially Extended WAR Bulletin. We've been on the air now, reporting live, since the deadline set by President Bush for Saddam Hussein to leave Iraq expired at one o'clock this morning. Since then I've been trying to sound 'enthusiastic yet concerned' about the situation, but it's becoming increasingly difficult to find anything new to discuss. Just time to read the headlines again: At dawn this morning several cruise missiles hit Baghdad but unfortunately our cameraman was answering the call of nature at the time. In retaliation, two scud missiles have allegedly been fired at Kuwait...but again no actual footage. We cross now to Jordan for the latest updates. Not the Jordan/Iraq border as we'd originally hoped, unfortunately, but due to an administrative error Jordan the busty pop star who's just leaving a night-club in Manchester's Piccadilly. Jordan...a night pregnant with anticipation?

Good morning Nick. As you can probably see, Manchester is an eerie, deserted place right now. There are no cars, no bustling pedestrians...just the occasional hoot of a nearby owl. Of course, this might have something to do with the fact that it's four o'clock in the morning.

Have you been able to ascertain the general mood of the people there tonight?

Either drunk or asleep in bed, Nick. It's hard to believe that less than twelve hours ago this city was groaning beneath the weight of shoppers going about their enigmatic business, prostitutes plying their wares beneath the train bridge, dog walkers by the canal wrapping up their pets' droppings in white handkerchiefs for reasons best left to themselves...

Jordan, we're going to have to interrupt you there. Our producer has just informed us that our audience is leaving in droves through boredom. Janette Kranky joins us now in the studio. Janette, you saw a documentary once about the British Armed Forces...what do you think will be the overall feeling amongst the ground troops in Iraq tonight?

Wadda yhoo reckon, Nick, y' dozy pillock? They'll be fuckin' dancin' in the desert I expect. Fandaba-fuckin-dozy for Christ's sake!

Ann've just brought a book out and want to promote it so you've agreed to fill some empty air-space for us. What impression do you get from this first, rather less spectacular than we were hoping for, attack by American forces?

Well Nicolas, I think it's quite obvious that America is trying to get the psychological edge on the Iraqi forces so that they'll surrender before the mass slaughter starts, thus giving the government some excellent propaganda footage of their 'humanitarian' approach.

And if that happens do you think the much vaunted "Three Day Shock and Awe" tactics we were so desperately hoping for might still be employed? Hold on...don't answer that...we're going to have to leave it there. Apparently our one remaining viewer is falling asleep. In desperation we cross now to Northern Iraq where Peter Snow has promised us some exciting footage of naked women.

Nick...unfortunately we couldn't find any nude females out here in the desert. That's one of the problems with a Muslim country of course and, in war, nobody really knows what's going to happen. However, if I drop my boxer shorts thus, you can tell by the flaccid state of my swing-o-meter that the conflict hasn't been as devastating as we'd hoped tonight.

Peter...we know you're somewhere on the front line and have to abide by military censorship but are you able to be more specific than that?

Well Nick, I'm currently standing between the chamber pot and a basket of sweaty socks. And I'm just getting word from the director that we've managed to fill enough air space to warrant going back to the headlines and starting the whole bulletin again.

Thanks Peter. The time is almost five minutes later than it was before. We'll be bringing you the latest second by second analysis of the crisis as it occurs. My name's Nicolas Owen. If you've just joined us this is a Specially Extended WAR Bulletin...etc.


Unconfirmed reports are coming in that American ground forces (led by Charlie Dimmock since the financial death of Alan Titchmarsh) have uncovered a batch of 'Iraqi Eggs' buried in the sand near the Kuwait border. "These Iraqi bastards don't breed like the rest of us," commented General Herman Stormin' Goering when pressed on the issue. "We keep trying to tell folks back home that they're not human and these eggs are proof of that. Now maybe the Frogs and the Krauts will sit up and take notice instead of being foreign assholes!" The eggs are approximately melon-sized and each one contains a tiny Islamic foetus coated in ketchup. Experts have been called in to diffuse the yolks and several armoured chip-pans are being relocated to the area.

Even More Recent Breaking News...

One of the problems of having signed up to BT Internet's "Evenings and Weekends Only" option means that I can't actually post anything until after six p.m. Unfortunately, despite their huge licence fee, the bastards at the BBC won't postpone the war. However, Donald Rumsfeld made an announcement earlier from the Ministry of Truth, advising common Iraqis to stay indoors tonight and lock their windows. Yeah...right. And how exactly are they supposed to hear this announcement Donald, seeing as one of the targets this morning was the Iraqi television studio? More to the point, if you actually gave a shit about their lives why didn't you deliver your 'advice' in Iraqi? Whatever the case seeing as 3000 missiles are expected to fall on Baghdad in the next few hours closing windows isn't exactly going to help matters much is it?

Meanwhile George W. Bush (as well as Ari Fleischer and various others) have repeatedly said that Iraqi oil wells will be left in Iraqi hands. The money generated from them, however, will go towards funding the costs of reconstructing Iraq. Considering that only American companies will be allowed to rebuild Iraq's infrastructure it seems the money from that black gold will be finding its way into the good old USA whatever happens. Much like Turkish troops, according to rumour, are finding their way into Northern Iraq right at this moment.

Expect some impressive explosions soon folks. George Bush's bellend is about to go off!

Just a quick link to an interesting little article before the hostilities kick off.

Wednesday, March 19, 2003

Thought I was dead didn'tcha! nononononononononooooo, I wasn't dead! I was on "hiatus". Didn't half get a scare when I got a letter from the MoD though... "you are invited to the national army museum to display at our 'Leeches and Lasers - Military Medicine through the ages' weekend". Phewwww[

Just wanna wish our lads the best of luck, and to keep their heads down; their ears up; their arms forward; their legs backward; tummies on the floor, and cocks IN PANTS!!! You don't know where the locals have been!!!

T-Minus 3 hours to ass-kicking...


Money talks Iraqis squawk (in terror).


Twisted's first composite!

The Academy AWARds!

With the annual back-slapping televisual feast that is the 'Night of a Thousand Bombs' almost upon us, the Rant of the Week has managed to gain exclusive access to some of the nominations for this year's honours.

George W. Bush will probably carry off the award for 'Most Unmoving Performance' for his role as Bonzo, the evil war-mongering gorilla intent on destroying mankind in the "Planet of the Apes". Tony Blair is hoping to win the best supporting role for his convincing portrayal as a wooden puppet in "Pinocchio" and John Howard has been tipped for his walk-on cameo part in "Armageddon". The award for 'Actress with most Bite' might well go to Margaret Beckett for her role as the arsehole in "Champion the Wonder Horse" although 'Most Flexible Female' might well be won by nipple-faced Clare Short for her performance in "Liar Liar". John Prescott will be hoping to carry off recognition for his convincing portrayal of Pizza the Hutt in "The Empire Strikes Iraq" and John Reid has been nominated for his performance as Grimer Wormtongue in the "Lord of the Ringpiece Lickers". The Oscar for 'Most Impressive Facial Hair' will be strongly contested between Saddam Hussein in "Gone With the Wind" and Osama bin Laden for the "Great Escape". Best 'evidence producer' must surely be won by Colon Powell for his startling production of "The Iraqi Tapes" and best director will almost certainly go to the Labour Party Whips without whom "Oh What A Lovely War" would never have been made. 'Most Cheesy 70's Porno Star' is bound to be won by the Spanish Prime Minister whose name I can't remember. The prestigious 'Lifetime Achievement Award' will be presented posthumously to Thora Hird for her ninety-one years of outstanding commitment to mechanised furniture.

Due to the threat of terrorist reprisals prompted by the War on Iraq (only a few hours to go now before America attempts a fireworks display designed to out-shine the World Trade Centre bonfire) MI5 have decided the Queen should move out of Buckingham Palace and seek harbour elsewhere. (Just so long as it isn't Fleetwood. I've planted anti-monarchy mines round all the tram shelters.) The decision has, naturally, lead to public debate...especially amongst retards. Should the Queen set an example to the rest of us and stay in London or should she go? My advice...she should go. And never come back. Keep right on walking off the end of Brighton pier, Ma'am. Give my regards to the rest of the sewerage.

"Y' didn't see the Queen Mum shirkin' 'er responsibilities during the Second World War, did y?" commented Mr Threlfall over a pint of Foul Old Fart in the Fisherman's Arms. "She was all right she was...apart from 'er teeth of course. I reckon the Queen should follow the example of 'er mum!"

Couldn't agree more, mate. It's time she croaked and saved us all a fortune in tax the bloodsucking old bag.

Meanwhile, according to various political commentators, MPs have been in a sombre mood today, looking gaunt and withdrawn following last night's Emergency Vote. (Overdid it with the Party Whips, obviously.) One of John Prescott's chins is believed to have retreated by half an inch towards his neck. During Prime Minister's Questions Lord Fatcock Fannybatter asked Tony Blair if he would, "Reiterate the same old drivel that he'd been spouting none-stop for the last six months without consideration for other people's opinions"? Tony Blair in response replied...simply..."Now that we're going to war I hope the entire House, as well as the general public, will get behind the troops and give them our full support." (And we know who's going to be right at the back, don't we Tony?)

Well...I can't speak on behalf of the British public. However, I will NOT be 'Rallying to the War Effort' just because Tony Blair threatened to sack his own backbenchers if they failed to support him. (Sounds like Saddam's sort of democracy that, doesn't it?) Forcing a vote does not justify the slaughter of innocent people. The Rant of the Week's very own (not to mention very absent) Peter Cooper might well be out in the Gulf right now. (Then again he might not...he might just be sick of reading the claptrap on this board.) Obviously I don't want him, or anybody else for that matter, falling foul of the Gung Ho B52s. But at least the armed forces have been trained to fight. Which is more than can be said for the poor bastards who about to become collateral damage.

You can take your rhetoric Mr Blair and stick it where the sun doesn't shine (i.e. anywhere behind John Prescott within a distance of twenty-three miles).

One last thing...I couldn't help noticing the different approaches to the opening gambits tonight...

British General addressing the troops: "All right chaps...we're about to bully off for the old chucka, so now's the time to both focus and reflect on what we're about to do."

American General (to thunderous clapping and moronic foot stomping): "Make no mistake about this folks, we're gonna kill everything that fucking breathes. Iraqui peasants, children, animals, Brits, Australians...everything that ever walked or crawled across the face of this stinking desert. With the exception of Saddam Hussein of course...who will no doubt escape...'cos that's the American way!"

There are more rallies planned for this weekend. Let's hope they're bigger and more determined than ever! 'Nuff said.

I have read that Clare Short was regarded as the conscience of the British Labour Party.

The Bard saw right through her resignation threats quite some time ago ...

"Thus conscience doth make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought;
And enterprises of great pith and moment,
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action."

Editor's note: William Shakespear...the Bard. Tony Blair...the Bard-Stard.

Hey, fair suck of the sauce bottle me English cobbers ... this is Australia ... why da fark do we have to put up with Peter Mandelson on our TV current affairs programmes prattling on about what a beaut bloke Tony is. Never seen or heard him before (haven't I been lucky!?) ... jeez, he's a right prat!

Editor's note: You've got the slimy little prick because we've had enough of him over here.

Now that Tony has his tainted vote to liberate the Iraqi oil wells I presume that he has ordered the SS to release the children of the waverers in the Party from the Tower.

News just in and Tony Blair has managed to beat off his rebel backbenchers. Christ...I knew he was desperate to win the vote, but beating them all off like that? He'll be sleeping soundly tonight, I bet.

Now that the Commons has voted for War it's about time the government reinforced its much-valued 'Openness Policy'. A public report on which MPs voted for and which voted against the wholesale slaughter in Iraq would come in very handy. Ninety-eight per cent of the British public are still against hostilities, and such a paper would be of enormous benefit when it comes to voting these bastards back into power.

Tuesday, March 18, 2003

This week I have been watching...

Next week I shall be watching...

Get out there and join an anti-war protest. Don't sell yourself 'Short' like some foul old slags I could mention.

Chewing gum ad collared after viewer complaints

A British ad for chewing gum, in which a dog crawls out of a man's mouth, has been pulled from television after attracting record complaints.

Britain's advertising watchdog, the Independent Television Commission, says the advert drew nearly 700 complaints from viewers who said it was offensive and frightened their children.

The technologically-enhanced commercial was intended to highlight the problem of morning-after "dog breath."

The previous British record, of 544 complaints, was held by a 1998 jeans ad which featured a dead hamster.

The Independent Television Commission is currently considering its attitude to the news footage that will be beamed into the living rooms of Britain during the upcoming bloodbath "Operation Liberate the Oil Wells" in Iraq. Spokesperson Ms. Kylie Whitehouse said, "The Commission is currently of a mind to allow this footage to be shown.

I have been assured by our American counterparts that the images will be presented in a tasteful and decorous manner. Indeed Presidential Press Secretary Heidi Fleischer told me personally, "the American people are sensitive to such matters having once had a leader who couldn't walk the dog and chew gum at the same time".

Offending body parts, no matter how widely strewn, will be fully pixelated. We have been further guaranteed that no pictures of maggots crawling out of the mouths of collaterally damaged innocent Iraqi villagers will ever reach Western television screens.

Furthermore we have been assured by sources directly connected to the Whitehouse (no relation) that the current military operations would not cause harm to any cute Iraqi canines, unless they happen to be in the vicinity of mosques, kindergartens and creches all of which are known to house Saddam's biological weapons laboratories."


My fellow primates,

Diplomacy has failed! Those ugly krauts and stupid frogs wouldn't know what diplomacy was if it jumped up and bit them on their sausage-filled, garlic-smelling assholes. As for those pinko-commie Ruskies...we have an old Texas saying...sometimes a fish can lead you to water but if it's made of lead it'll drown. It is therefore with heavy wood that we've abandoned the UN route and forked left onto Route 66. Old Europe doesn't understand democracy. They think it's all about representing their people instead of agreeing to every demand that America makes. Time and time again we've tried to persuade them but now we have to put away our chequebooks and go it alone. With some others.

Saddam Hussein has claimed that Americans have tiny cocks. This just isn't true. Some of our female athletes have enormous todgers enhanced by the latest American steroids. But now we're going to prove that we don't have any balls by acting like the cowardly bullies that the rest of the world has come to regard us we say in Texas. In our pursuit of peace we shall kill thousands of innocent rag-heads and then blow up their television stations so that nobody ever finds out. I know some Iraqis will be listening to this broadcast and having it translated into English for them. I say to them America and it's friend have nothing whatsoever against you personally. It's just that during our panic-driven destruction of your country you will die. That's tough shit. That's how democracy works and we're willing to implement it with illegal concentration camps if necessary.

Saddam Hussein has said that he will fight this war from anywhere in the world. I somehow doubt that. American scientists are always the first to steal the latest technology and, to the best of my knowledge, no 'matter transporters' have turned up on the black market yet. Let me tell any suicide bombers, however, you can't scare me! Not matter how many innocent people you kill around the globe I'll be safe and sound inside the White House surrounded by more security than a gnat's chuff.

Let me also make it clear that Iraqis must not blow up the oil wells. They belong to me the Iraqi people...or the huge corporations that we've been reaching deals with at any rate. And Iraqis must not use chemical or biological weapons against their own people. That's our job. All war crimes will not go unpunished...unless of course they're committed by American troops.

And so, with a heavy forehead, I say this to our allies. Saddam Hussein, you and your sweaty, towel-wearing off-spring have forty-eight hours to leave America. Then we're coming for you ready or not. Nobody wants a war, but nobody has the wherewithal to stop me.

Might God continue to bless America, its weapons of mass defence and my closest friends down at the Manhattan Chimpanzee Rescue Centre. Allah be damned. Perhaps one day the human being and a fish can coexist peacefully. Until then we, the Big Bastards of America, must continue to destabilise the rest of the world, claiming absolute sovereignty over all other forms of life whether greater or lesser.

Mainly greater.

Jeorge Dubya Bush jr.

Clare Short was rushed into hospital this morning following an attack of dizziness.

"At first we suspected the new strain of Chinese Pneumonia that's entered Britain...or Rice Poisoning to give it its medical name. But now it simply looks as though Ms Short was suffering from a bad case of too much spin," commented Dr Raj Patel. "The poor old cow has changed direction so frequently over the last forty-eight hours that she's mentally knackered. She's been clinging desperately to her job whilst lying through arse (or 'her face' to give it its correct medical name) about resigning. The spin factor has had horrific consequences on such a molecular-sized integrity as hers. Just look at the damage the centrifugal force has done to her features!"

Several plastic surgeons, three plasterers and Alan Titchmarsh have been called in to shore up the damage.

In the meantime two more cabinet ministers (this time with genuine reservations) have resigned from the government. The departures have driven Tony Blair to kick-start his final Iraq Debacle Debate this afternoon with the determination of a frenzied Dalek. After 'the long night of the whips' in which numerous labour politicians had their jobs threatened, others were offered promotions and prominent Tories were given excellent stock-market information, Uncle Tony is now assured of his vote of confidence... a vote proving that decency and fair play has not completely disappeared from British politics.

America just loves the odd international agreement

(1) Wednesday, 25 July, 2001 "The United States has refused to sign up to an international agreement designed to enforce a ban on the use of biological weapons.

Washington's representative to the United Nations-sponsored talks in Geneva said the US was unable to support the draft accord - the result of years of debate - because it would not achieve its goals and would hurt American interests.

Donald Mahley said: "In our assessment, the draft protocol would put national security and confidential business information at risk.

The unilateral move is likely to further antagonise Washington's European allies, who have already criticised the US for rejecting initiatives on climate change and the trade in small arms." SOURCE.

(2) U.S. refusal to sign the Kyoto Protocol. America is the largest polluter in the world with 4 per cent of the world's population; it discharges 25 per cent of the world's carbon dioxide.

(3)Objection to the establishment of the International Criminal Court.

(4) Those shits at the Security Council weren't playing ball on Draft Resolution #4245649/3a/00121-43492a/5462, so we took the ball and went home. Get nicked Kofi annan all your commo, kraut, russki, chinkie stooges of Jacques Chiraq! Me, Tony and Manuel from Barcelona ("Has he committed any troops other than those 2 Aussie diggers left over from the Boer War?") can make decisions for Australia by ourselves thank you very much!

Mmmm ... you flagged it Unka Brian ... in a different context (not one I suspect she would be familiar with ...UH-OH! ... with which she would be familiar) she would be called "a cock teaser". In this context I would just call her gutless, and demand that she be sent to Coventry by supporters of either side of the issue.

"With a war just hours away, the British Prime Minister was offered some respite with the news that International Development Secretary Clare Short would not be joining the list of ministerial resignations.

In an extraordinary statement, she said that she remained “very critical” of the British government’s handling of the Iraq crisis but had decided that it would be “cowardly” to quit at this stage."

Bush addresses the Nation ... Goebbels' lovechild speaks.

Only comment I make immediately upon having heard the address ... "vomitous, sanctimonious, misguided, arrogant, hypocritical cant" ... oh, yes ... "and dumb".

I guess I am now officially an American citizen. The colonisation of Australia is complete. Well done Benedict Arnold Howard. (I have just had the misfortune of watching the traitorous little maggot address Parliament now he has his marching hors d'ouevres from the Primate. Only one of the previous adjectives is required ... "vomitous".)

Particularly piquant, given Howard's braying about Australia's close relationship with the Ten Ton Gorilla nation, is the map of the World crafted by some Hollywood set designer which is to serve as the backdrop for the Very Very Model of a Modern Major Genital Tommy Franks' propaganda press briefings. Whoops, no Australia!


10 worst reasons for union with the Septics

1. Idiotic god botherers.(sorry about the tautology)
2. Lard arses.
3. Gun owners.
4. Mining in national parks.
5. Country and western music (sorry about the tautology again).
6. Right wing pollies.
7. Shithouse TV.
8. Murdoch.
9. We'd be funding the torture/murder/robbery of Palestinians.
10. Bushes.

10 best reasons for union with the Septics

1. Hubble telescope.
2. Hubble telescope.
3. Hubble telescope.
4. Hubble telescope.
5. Hubble telescope.
6. Hubble telescope.
7. Hubble telescope.
8. Hubble telescope.
9. Hubble telescope.
10. The Rodent could piss off to Washington and have his head
permanently stuck up a President's arse.
10a The Rodent could get himself carved on Mount Rushmore with his head
stuck up a President's arse.

Monday, March 17, 2003

Latest Update:

Apparently there is to be a vote in the Commons on the Iraqi crisis tomorrow and the government has said that it sees no reason why the outbreak of hostilities would be clouding the issue...leading one to infer that the war won't have kicked off by then. Always assuming that the government aren't talking bullshit as usual then the war must commence shortly after that...the fighter pilots will need the full moon to do a proper job (they can't see the red crosses if it's too dark) and they won't be able to wait for another month because by that time it'll be too hot and the wings on the Tornadoes will melt.

Tony Blair, in lieu of the vote, is at this moment threatening the withdrawal of pensions from his backbenchers and doing deals with the more liberal minded Tories who might vote against him. We could do with a few blue on blues on the opposition benches right about now. Unusually for the British Parliament tomorrow's ballot papers will be flown to a courtroom in Florida to be counted.

According to tomorrow's headlines from the usual right-wing tabloid suspects the latest polls clearly show that the British public are slowly being swayed towards supporting the war. This strikes me as odd. Everybody that I know, including the vast majority of those who originally thought the war would be an uplifting experience for all concerned, are more than ever set against hostilities. Especially after Robin Cook's resignation statement in the Commons tonight. (The cheeky little adulterer has suddenly risen in my opinion.) When a foreign secretary who's seen all the evidence (sorry...ex foreign secretary) states outright that Iraq does NOT have weapons of mass destruction, that the war is immoral and unjust and that the Commons should vote against the Primer Minister then most right thinking people sit up and take notice.

As with the Nazi regime back in the 30s it appears that the first victim of war is actually the polls.

Bush phones Howard

Tue, 18 Mar 2003 8:14 AEDT

"The Prime Minister says the US President has asked Australia to commit troops to the likely war against Iraq.

John Howard spoke to George W Bush earlier this morning."

BUSH: Good morning Mr Hunter.

HOWARD: G'day mate Sir.

BUSH: You got my parcel?

HOWARD: Yes Sir. I've put the horse's head in the fridge, safely secured behind a fridge magnet.

BUSH: So you're on board this Iraqistan thing then James?

HOWARD: Yes indeedy diddly do Sir, Colonel Mainwaring and Private Pike are on their way as you speak down to me. Private Godfrey remains here guarding the coastline of Australia, however if he's needed we are willing to reli ....

BUSH: Stop fucking me around Hunter, send him now.

HOWARD: Sorry Sir, consider me it done.

BUSH: Fuck off. Don't call me, I'll summons you.

HOWARD: Thank you Sir, thank you, thank you.

BUSH: Fuck off.

HOWARD: Thank you, Sir.

Tue, 18 Mar 2003 10:41 AEDT
Prime Minister John Howard has just confirmed Australian troops will join a US-led war against Iraq.

Mr Howard announced the move after briefing Coalition MPs on Cabinet's decision.

Cabinet met at 8:30am AEDT, just two hours after United States President George W Bush phoned Mr Howard to formally request Australian military support for the imminent attack.

Mr Howard says Australia's military chiefs have been informed.

"The Government strongly believes that the decision it's taken is right, it is legal, it is directed towards the protection of the Australian national interest, and [I] ask the Australian community to support it."

And the people bowed and prayed, To the neon god they made.

"Gooooood Moooooorning Vietnam ... a-bloody-gain."

"I believe there are people out there with legitimate reasons for questioning any war against Iraq."

Tony Blair every time somebody questioned his stance on the crisis before dismissing those legitimate reasons and curling up in Bush's lap.

As it turns out not only are the reasons legitimate they are also probably very legal. During the first Gulf War military action was taken under resolution 646 (or whatever the number was). When the terms of Iraq's surrender (i.e. the agreed elimination of their weapons of mass destruction) were reached under resolution 647, (again...whatever number...I can't remember figures...apart from Captain Jenny off Beachcomber Bay's that is) resolution 646 became effectively defunct...only to be started up again should Iraq not comply with resolution 647 and only...ONLY...if a further resolution to reinstate resolution 646 was agreed upon by the UN security council.

No such reinstatement and/or further resolution has been laid down...making Tony Blair's involvement with the war illegal. America has never signed up to International law (what a surprise) so Bush doesn't have to worry. But Britain has. Tony Blair could well stand trial for crimes against humanity in the international courts for his conduct, as could various members of his cabinet. A message to Clare Shortarse...think very carefully about your immediate course you hideous old haridan. You want time to reflect tonight? Don't waste too many mirrors reaching your decision or you might end up hauled before the International Courts. And the Frogs are well pissed off.

Tony Blair's response to Cook

Staff and agencies
Monday March 17, 2003

Dear Robin,

Thank you for your letter confirming your wish to desert a sinking shrinking ship resign from the cabinet.

You have been a good friend and colleague over many years. I fondly remember those days when I gather we were both members of the same Party. I have ensured that your stay in the Tower will be both comfortable and short (frigging bitch!) brief. I have valued your addle brained advice and mindless appeals to morality and due process during this difficult time as I juggle my roles as leader of the New Tories, Vice President at Large and Ink Monitor.

I sincerely hope you will forgive me for replacing the "Ann Boleyn Memorial Deboncing Axe" with an "Acme Let them Eat Gateaux Guillotine", but I believe a message has to be sent to the backbencherssliders infected with Mad Gallic Disease.

Your sincerely, and may you rot in Hell,


Ready, Steady, Cook off!

Did Robin Cook resign or was he pushed? Either way cheeky flame-haired leprechaun Robin Cook stormed out of Number 10 Downing Street this afternoon shouting, "The man's an eejit! We're all fecked begorra so we are!" Perky Robin (23) is the first to fall victim to Tony Blair's evil world domination plans. Other ugly bastards are expected to follow, although Clare 'Back-end-of-a-bus' Short appears to have done a complete U-turn. She was seen leaving Number 2 10 with the rest of the cabinet and refused to comment on her previous threat of resignation. "Typical," said Mr Bogbrush of Fleetwood. "The woman's a shit that won't flush away. She just keeps bobbing back up around the 'U' bend with all the old jonnies. Talk about a rotten old turd, eh?"

In a statement to the press this evening Sir Robin Cook of Never Never Land said, "I cannot possibly be expected to stay in the employ of a man who's going to unjustly start a war at just turned midnight tonight. Besides which John Prescott stinks. The man never takes a bath and his farts are disgusting."

Meanwhile UN Weapons Inspectors are leaving Iraq as George Bush's "Moment of Streuth!" comes hurtling round the corner. Tony Blair has yet to deliver the 'Commons Vote' on the Iraq crisis that he's repeatedly promised over the last few months. And it doesn't look as though it's going to emerge either, seeing as the war is only a matter of hours away. Hold onto your hats folks, we're going in...or if you're Iraqi, hold onto your heads.

I'm prepared for the war! I've cleaned out me coalbunker an' put some frilly cushions in it...that should protect me if any nuclear bombs go off...I've covered me windows with sticky's Sellotape actually 'cos I ain't got nothin' else but it should do the' I've been down to Iceland and bought up tons o' bully beef and Spam and cat food and powdered eggs (or what they call 'custard' nowadays). And I've shifted me radiogram under the stairs so's I can listen to that nice Iain Duncan Blair givin' us stirrin' patriotic speeches and 'elpin' us through the Blitz. I've even stuck me Union Jack drawers up in the living room window. They stuck quite easily with all that Sellotape...not that they needed anything to 'old 'em up w'at with me washing machine still bein' bust. Oh yeah...and I've dug out Our 'Enry's (God rest his laurels) old machine gun w'at 'ee should 'ave given back to the MOD after the war but didn't on account of 'im not bein' arsed ('scuse my Sodomy).

So now I'm ready! I've got sandbags round me doorstep and I've filled Thora's old knickers with hydrogen and attached 'em to me Zimmer frame. Well, petrol's goin' t' be scarce once those nig nogs start settin' fire to the wells in the Falklands, and now that Thora's passed on she won't be needin' 'em no more. (Not that she wore 'em much any'ow...especially w'en she was entertainin' the troops!)

So do you worst Larry Hagman Hussein! Britain's ready for y'! Any nig nog w'at comes near my 'ouse with a nappy round 'is 'ead and an umberella with rice puddin' on it's tip 'ull soon learn not to mess with us Brits! I'm an 'undred and thousand, y' know? An' I've survived three world wars, four 'ip operations, seventeen jumble sales an' Mrs Melchette's Yorkshire pudding! Come near my letterbox with y'r grubby 'ands and your dirty bums and you'll get a broom handle rammed so 'ard up your jacksies your big oggly eyes 'ull pop out of your 'eads and your moustaches 'ull corkscrew up at the ends!

Dear Mrs G. G. Hughes,

The Austerican Government applauds your gritty determination in the face of the current threat to your personal safety. It was this sort of steadfast attitude that won past wars for Britain against overwhelming odds and consigned thousands of willingly conscripted apple-cheeked Aussie lads to happy resting places in far off battlefields. Like you we look forward to an encore performance by "our lads".

Please find enclosed a selection of anti-terrorist fridge magnets personally signed by Prime Minister Howard. They should be taken three times daily with a pinch of salt after meals.

Yours Sincerely,

Alexander Downer.

Yesterday George W Bush promised that this afternoon would be the "Moment of Truth"! Now...exclusive to the Rant of the Week (in association with Bush Oil Wells Unlimited)...we bring you that actual moment in glorious black and white and with no added flavourings or special effects. Ladies, gentlemen and transsexuals...please put your hands together and pray like fuck:


George Dubya Bush is the most dangerous, moronic twat in the World!

This moment was sponsored by the estimated half a million innocent people in Iraq who are about die. Unfortunately it will be the last "moment of truth" to be broadcast for some considerable time. From this point on all media coverage of world events will be heavily censored, all spin will become straight forward lies, all death tolls will be hushed up and all Arab television stations reporting on the carnage will be legitimate bombing targets. As the saying goes...War begins with Dubya! As does 'Wanker'.'s the final countdown...the evening before the morning after where resignations both to the global situation and from high ranking cabinet positions are inevitable. The arguments have been made. Tony Blair and George Bush have completely ignored them, along with the democratic process, and done their own thing anyway. And as the rosy glow of the sun sets over Baghdad the evening air bristles with anticipation and anthrax spores.

Only one channel will continue to bring you "The Truth" regardless of the risk to our own security. Only one Blogger Board will continue to sift through the swathes of patriotic propaganda to reach the nitty-gritty of the actual genocide. Unlike the tabloids and the politicians, the BBC and the Young Soldier, the Rant of the Week will be bringing you accurate, up-to-the-minute reports covering all aspects of this moral and justified war. We will no longer be reporting the sort of lies that we have been reporting so far. We fully support the highly intelligent and peace-loving Christians, President Bush and Prime Minister Blair, in their heroic resolve to rid the world of this evil tin-pot dictator and Al Queada suspect. We wholeheartedly agree with the 'War against Iraq' as the only method to uphold world peace and democracy and our glorious way of life, and we fully understand that less than three or four people will be killed in the process. God bless America and Great Britain, lands of the free and the brave. Now let's get out there and whoop Saddam's black ass!

Dep. Ed. adds ... good stuff, we want blood! Think we have a few intellectual giants ready to jump THE ANTI-WAR CAMPAIGN ship and sign up to the Campaign for Wholesale Blood and Guts in the Streets.

Gratuitous photo posting to frighten the horses and little children who won't eat their greens.


"Fellow Australians,
It is my melancholy duty to inform you officially that in consequence of a persistence by Germany and her invasion of Poland, Great Britain has declared war upon her and that, as a result, Australia is also at war."

The more things change, the more they stay the same. Australia, the great camp follower.


"Fellow Australians,
It is my melancholy duty to inform you officially that in consequence of a persistence by President Bush, America has declared war upon just about everyone, especially the French, and that, as a result, Australia is also at war. All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia, but do have a nice day."



War virtually inevitable says Cheney

Monday, March 17, 2003
"American officials are warning that the only way to avoid war is for Iraqi President Saddam Hussein to step down.

US Vice-President Dick Cheney appears to have gone even further, suggesting war is inevitable no matter what Saddam Hussein does."

Dick, please tell us something we haven't been aware of for months! However if Saddam were to put a ferret down his trousers, do 12 handstands and then sang "Do You Know the Way to San Jose" whilst drinking a hot cup of Horlicks would that change your mind Dickie? Just a thought ... anything to save on body bags.

"British Prime Minister Tony Blair says France must decide "overnight" whether to accept the US-British-Spanish resolution."

Like Smarmy or the Chimp would respect them in the morning!

Sunday, March 16, 2003

As may be gathered the Deputy Editor has returned to the desk after a week's sojourn in Sydney.

Ah, Sydney what a funny old town.

If the funnel web spiders and the metre long cockroaches don't get you, then the energy sapping humidity will. Part of my morning ritual was a two hour shower during which I applied gallons of "Sporex" to remove toxic black mould that had sprung up overnight in my groin and armpits.

Speaking of cockroaches, New South Wales is in the throes of a State election. The election is centred around, and I'm sure this sort of campaign would not have been seen anywhere else in the World, law and order. The current Government is going to lock up all convicted criminals for a minimum of 200 years, the Opposition is going to execute them first then lock them up for 200 years. The Government is going to assign 3 policemen to each member of the community for personal protection whilst the Opposition is promising an armed tank for everyone over 18. Judges who don't impose maximum sentences will be tarred, feathered and have their rent boy privileges withdrawn until such time as they have seen the error of their kid glove sentencing ways.

Want to buy a house in Sydney, or specifically in Balmain where I was staying with the one and true Sedgwick offspring? It can be done providing you have won Lotto or intend to work until you are 478 years old. Six doors up, a double storied, pedestrianly restored terrace sold on Saturday for $897,000. One derelict property, which could not be entered without a full metal jacket and a waiver stating you absolved the real estate agent from all responsibilities when the building came crashing down around your bonce as you opened the non existent door, fetched a paltry $650,000. However semi detached cardboard packing crates with bubblewrap ensuites are a steal at $100,000. Let's hear no more complaints from the homeless!

Even the vagrants possess undreamt of wealth. On Friday I encountered Lenny the local Balmain street drunk in an ostentatious display of his affluence. Outside the Balmain police station Lenny was waving a fist full of $50 notes ... in the current bid for the law and order vote I can only assume that the well heeled have been allocated their own personal police stations.

Feeling the sudden urge to redistribute wealth I sank the slipper into Lenny's groin and relieved him of the ephemeral trappings of affluence. Lenny collapsed into the gutter a happy and grateful soul. Noblesse oblige.

I sauntered down Darling St. in pursuit of a spot of brekkie. Aha! The establishment was just what the doctor and the MICA ordered. (If you are watching Yorkshiresoul read and weep!) An eatery revelling in the name "Tatu". (If you are watching Uncle Brian read and whimper!) Just the ticket for a lad who was basking in the afterglow of good works and "Sporex" ... "A deep fried crumbed whole camembert on rocket with potato salad and a fried egg. Toasted fruit loaf with lashings of beurre de la maison."

"Stuff the law, my good waitress, just bring me my order."
Come on all you "miserable, depressed, lost souls" (©Roger Chapman), if there wasn't a looming war we wouldn't have heartwarming stories like this ... and if Peter Wilson isn't nominated for a Pulitzer prize I will be flabbergasted.

Comforts of home bring joy to troops

By PETER WILSON in Kuwait City 17mar03

"The cake that 80-year-old Anne Dunning baked for her youngest son Steve's birthday yesterday was the first present she had ever mailed to the Persian Gulf.

But it was certainly not the first care package that she has sent to a loved one in uniform.
The Adelaide grandmother's husband, Jim, served in World War II and her eldest son was in Vietnam. Her youngest, Steve, is now part of the 2000-strong Australian contingent preparing for an attack on Iraq.

The Navy Reserve commander opened his mum's package at the Camp As Sayliyah base in Qatar yesterday to find the tinned cake, a jar of Vegemite, some toothpaste and a few sweets.

"She's fantastic," the 51-year-old said.

Even in an age of e-mail and long-distance telephone calls, for soldiers away from home nothing compares with receiving a letter or parcel from loved ones.

An astonishing quantity of letters and parcels is being sent to the Australian troops in the Middle East. A large proportion of them contains food.

"I like to get a bag of (jelly) snakes, some redskins and Tim Tams. It just reminds you of home," one unnamed soldier said."

"We have shown our cards...I believe that's an old Texas saying...from poker...we have shown our cards and we will determine exactly what that card means tomorrow," commented George W. Bush at his emergency summit in the Azures less than half an hour ago. Dr Dolittle was called in to translate the chimpanzee's words. In a nutshell: "I'm a total imbecile, a knobhead and a spastic. The war starts Tuesday morning and fuck the UN."

Tony Blair (soon to be ex-British prime Minister), George W. Bush (the Butcher of Texas as well as the Butcher of the English language), Don "Bull's Penis" Matador Carlos Moustache (Spanish premiere porn star and plumber) and some bloke from the Portugese Tourist Board who accidentally stumbled onto the podium, called the summit to try and look hard. Throughout the press conference that followed the one-hour of rigorous grooming, the lack of UN co-operation was variously blamed on the Frogs, the Krauts, the Pakis, the Ruskies and the Turks...and never once on the fact that different nations had different ideas about 'World Peace'. Ideas at odds with the Yanks, the Brits, the Spicks and the Portugal Tourist Information Service's plans for all out war.

"We are moving into a new time period," said Blair enigmatically so as not to give Saddam notice of the time-scale for hostilities.

"Yep..." added Bush. "We're gonna bomb the shit out of Iraq on Tuesday."

Meanwhile Saddam Hussein has split Iraq into four military zones and the UN into thousands of pieces. John Howard (Australian Prime Minister and pantomime dwarf) was noticeably absent from the summit. When questioned on his whereabouts it transpired that he'd been sharing a wombat with his old friend and confident Terry Sedgwick in a Sydney dunny. The trial starts Wednesday.

On this day:- 1912: Antarctic explorer Lawrence Oates leaves his tent, saying: "I am just going outside, and may be some time." He never returned.

On some day soon the Merkin President announces: "Our troops are now at war with Iraq and France, and may be some time." He was not returned for a second term.

(Sorry, I just made that up. The Miami electoral officials have bought a brand spanking new abacus.)