Saturday, February 08, 2003

Full metal jacket failure


"Flak jackets issued to Australian defence personnel leaving for the Middle East yesterday did not have ceramic inserts to protect the body from bullets and shrapnel.

Three C-130 Hercules aircraft left Richmond RAAF Base, northwest of Sydney, carrying aircrew and support staff to the Middle East.

The personnel were asked to dress in full battle gear for a farewell ceremony conducted by Defence Minister Robert Hill.

But when their Kevlar flak jackets were handed out, they were found to be missing the crucial ceramic inserts.

Senator Hill was apparently unaware of the problem and no explanation was given for the mistake.

Families of the departing men and women said they had been asked to remove insignia or patches identifying them as Australian.

Australian SAS troops in Afghanistan also faced equipment shortages. According to the US military, they made extensive use of US equipment."

I have hastily organised a "Ceramic Inserts for our Boys off to Battle" fundraiser at the Town Hall. Ladies a plate ... even a chipped coffee mug or tea cup would do the trick.
Two possibly related items.

"President George Bush signed off on the upgrade of terrorist threat levels from yellow to orange."

"The alert comes a day before Australian Prime Minister John Howard arrives in the US."

Scare delays Qantas

February 9 2003 By David Adams

"The discovery of "cartoon-like" drawings in a Qantas aircraft's toilet delayed an international flight for more than three hours at Singapore yesterday afternoon.

Qantas declined to give any details of the drawings, but a spokeswoman for the airline told The Sunday Age late yesterday that QF32 from Singapore to Sydney had been delayed at Changi airport after cleaners discovered some drawings in one of the Boeing 747's toilets.

"As a precaution, the aircraft was checked and that's what has resulted in the delay," the spokeswoman said. She described the incident as a "minor security issue". The flight, which had originated in London on Friday, had been scheduled to arrive in Sydney at 7.25pm. But the arrival time was revised to 11.20pm."

Ha! This gallbladder episode is what I suspected all along. A subtefuge. Along with his devious accomplice and sometime mistress Agatha the Al Qaeda Mata Hari, Hughes has been daubing pictures of mice and peas all over plane dunnies, scaring the bejesus out of innocent passengers what wear funny shoes and carry Swiss Army paper clips.

"The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself." —George W. Bush, Grand Rapids, Mich., Jan. 29, 2003

This on the queries log - "penetration +anal +anusol".

Who said men aren't thoughtful lovers?

Dunno when Joe's birthday is...

...but here's a cake for the occasion.

Thank you very much the surprise, dear Twisted. Well, I am not an envious type, so I give another cakes to the people, whom called Janet or Bandage.

The Venerable Sage of Unyan
Dispenser of wisdoms and sayer of sooths to the multitudes

Upon hearing that Mother Superior Blunkers, in his charity, doth urge a plenitude of work permits upon the needy, non-English spaking rabble seeking alms at his door, the Venerable Unyan doth say - so shall it come to pass that the unemployment figures shall be set to rise and rise, just like the hands and voices of Lord God Anthony's loyal subjects who shall praise him in the highest. And there will be much wailing and gnashing of teeth heard in the land when the truth of the stupidity sinks in.

Friday, February 07, 2003

"The Evidence Against Iraq" Tapes as Presented to the U.N.

El Colonel (with a gruff voice): Hey, Capitano there?
El Capitano (with a humorous squeaky voice): Ci, Senior. It is I, El Capitano, at your nastiest bidding.
El Colonel: Shuddupayaface you stupid little man and listen to mea!
El Capitano: Ci, ci, El Colonel. I am all a da ears!
El Colonel: Justa be quiet anna do what I saya! I wanna you to take all ov de nuclear weapons that we've got seceretly stashed in the cellar, right...and I wanna you to hide them somewhere really sneaky. Comprende?
El Capitano: Ci, El Colonel. Justa give me one minute.

Sounds of scuffling feet and pots smashing, accompanied by the howl of a cat, the slam of a large door and several padlocks being fastened. Scurry of feet heading back to the phone.

El Capitano: It's done, your most magnificent Colonel, Sir! I 'ave hidden zem in the wardrobe in my bedroom where those capitalist Americans with their big willies and their intelligent ways and their Coca Colas will never find them.
El Colonel: Doh! El Capitano! You are an imbecille!

Sounds of slapping and whimpering noises. Fade to static.

Copyright the Marx Brothers 1952. (Previously unpublished MGM Sketch recently plagiarised by Small Colon Powell)

Editor's note: No, I'm not back yet. Just making sure that my keyboard hasn't healed up whilst I've been gone. My gallbladder certainly hasn't. The latest reports from the front line in the Gall Bladder War indicate that a pre-emptive strike will be made in approximately two months time. Nothing short of a total regime change (i.e. having the damned thing removed) will suffice, thus ridding the Western World of the evil little bastards once and for all. In the meantime I will drop by whenever my current pain threshold permits.


Has Al Qaeda chief gone to ground in Wales?.
This on the queries log - "Steve Irwin twat"

A shrewd observation from a discerning surfer.
But who the fuq is Connie Huq?


Bush grills a suspect as advisor looks on.
So, Nasser Hussain and the English side are now assured that no harm will befall them from hoards of starving and tortured malcontents should they play cricket in Zimbabwe. What a releif this must be for England's captain and the avaricious mental dwarfs he calls a team.
The only gain in playing cricket in Zimbabwe is a major political coup by Muthugbe's regime - oh, and the loot trousered by our wonderful sportsmen and the Cricketing authorities who call the shots. Should the English team actually discover they have a conscience (or at least disbeleive they won't be at risk if they play in Zimbabwe) then they'll find themselves in a win-win situation. Finding their moral backbone will increase their popularity back home (let's face it, it can't get any worse!). And what if they lose a few points by boycotting the game - they're shit at playing cricket anyway and stand no real chance of winning the tournament. I suggest they blame their failure on "fair play" rather than on the fact that they are a bunch of completely useless twats. They might even fool the press into hailing them as heroes.
Bring back the death penalty for such heinous crimes!

This one warrants a lethal injection too!

UK Iraq dossier plagerised.

"Plagerised" (Sp?!)

"It has been revealed a British Government dossier, said to be the latest intelligence on Iraq, was copied word-for-word from published sources.

But the BBC reports the Prime Minister's office is standing by the dossier, and says it came from several sources.

Downing Street last weekend presented the dossier as an up-to-date, intelligence-led assessment of Iraq's concealment and deception efforts.

In fact entire pages were copied without acknowledgment from a PhD thesis published in an American academic journal last year.

Another page was copied from an article in the magazine Jane's Intelligence Review. The article is six-years-old.

The Government even reproduced typing and grammatical mistakes made by the PhD student, 29-year-old Ibrihim Al Marashi.

Mr Al Marashi said he had no idea his work had been used by Downing Street and he was stunned."


"What do you mean by this Blair Minor? This isn't your homework!"

"I'm sorry Master but the dog ate my up-to-date, intelligence-led assessment and I thought I'd be in rooly big trouble if I didn't hand in something. I gaved my play lunch to one of the clever kids and he wroted it for me."

"Well that's not good enough Blair. You are going to have to see Matron Bush and I hope she withdraws the bottom sniffing privileges she gave you when you were a good boy and made up your own lies. On your way out Blair send in Straw Minor, I want to nip this thing in the bud. This sort of thing gives School a bad name."

Will Tony present this "up-to-date, intelligence-led assessment" to the U.N. as the mother smoking gun of all smoking guns? Desperate times call for desperate fabrications.
Labor's combative frontbencher Mark Latham ... why does everyone dislike him when I find him a positive delight?

Mr Latham has described President Bush as incompetent and flaky, a label other Labor MPs have refrained from using.

"Bush himself is the most incompetent and dangerous president in living memory," Mr Latham told parliament.

"We should not be placing the lives of young Australians in George Bush's hands.

In the same speech he described the prime minister and his colleagues as "a conga line of suckholes".

DON'T SHOOT THE MESSENGER! Mind you this hasn't stopped the American Ambassador (a chap with connections not a million miles away from the Bush tribes of Texas)

"American diplomats in Australia have contacted the opposition leader's office concerned at the personal nature of the party's rhetoric on Iraq.

Although they did not lodge a formal complaint or single out a particular MP, the American ambassador Tom Schieffer said Labor's rhetoric was unhelpful to the Australia-US relationship."

I understand your concern Tom. I can't imagine that your dear and glorious President would ever engage in such personal rhetoric about Saddam. Let me apologise on behalf of a grateful Australian nation for the lack of toadying by young Mark. (Lethal injection currently being arranged for said Mr. Latham.)

This is corny, I know, but it's Friday and it was sent to me by someone anonymous who should know better!

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went un-noticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in and then the trouble started ....

(Thank you Clare!)
"Being skilled with several computer applications including PowerPoint, Mapinfo and image-processing packages, I offer to prepare a convincing casus belli presentation for any country wishing to invade their neighbour using the WMD cause. Examples: Sweden to invade Denmark, Poland to invade Lithuania, Australia to invade East Timor, France to invade Monaco, etc. etc. etc.

Satisfaction guaranteed. Reasonable rates. Strict deadlines observed. Voice-generation extra, but it is worth it!

Testimonials from Colin Powell and various other officials of the U.S. State Department available upon request."

Thank you,
Verbum ®

Wednesday, February 05, 2003

Colin Powell Accuses Saddam Hussein

"Powell unfolded his case before the U.N., revealing taped conversations between Iraqi officials, satellite photos, surveillance video, eyewitness accounts ..."

Deeply disturbing. Deeply disturbing that this level of surveillance and intrusion exists. "Ah, but we've got to keep an eye on this malevolent bugger!" I hear you say. Well like he's the only one captured on Washington's hidden upskirt satellite cam. (Space exploration is ONLY about discovery and pioneering dontcha know?) Big Brer is here big time. (You might note that I am one who never resiles from stating the frigging bleeding obvious.) Invasion of privacy and national sovereignty is O.K. if the object of our desire is a "baddy" and "we" are the white hats.

Uncle Tom Powell's "Surveillance 101" lecture to the U.N. is passing ironic given America is gungho on the domestic legal front about invasion of privacy, Miranda, stalking and all of those rights that make America "the land of the free".

VERY selective perception and application of high principle methinks.

Uncle Tom's U.N. presentation in a word ... regurgitation. In several words ... grasping at all those straws which will bring those nervous nellies, krauts and frogs on board the Good Ship Blixkreig. (and our Jack obviously likes a good grasp on his straw.)

See ... told you I need a long strong black coffee before my brain hits the synapses running.

UPDATE:- Impressed by what it saw at the U.N. the Academy has engaged the team responsible for "A Weekend at Colin's" to direct this year's Oscars. "We were knocked out by the laser show, the editing, the special effects and, most of all, by the fast paced wisecrack delivery by Colin Powell. In the past Oscar night has become bogged down by too much detail, too much introspection, altogether too much gravitas. I think these guys have really got a handle on what makes a fun night really rock.", a spokesman for the Academy said in a tapped phone conversation.

It's easy to be a woman. I have found this:
The Kegelmaster is changing women's lives around the world by offering them an alternative that works! It is a special exercise device (comparable to state-of-the-art exercise equipment you would find at a health club) that helps women with vaginal problems such as bladder control, vaginal stretching, poor sensitivity (lack of orgasms) and many other vaginally related issues.

17 dead in Pakistani explosion

Posted: Wed, 5 Feb 2003 1:07 AEDT At least 17 people, including two schoolboys, were killed on Tuesday when a container packed with explosives blew up at a dry docks in north-eastern Pakistan, police said.

Sorry for posting that. I didn't realise they weren't astronauts.

N.B. Haloscan and Shoutbox commenting are being right arseholes at the moment.

N.B.2. Shoutbox seems to be back in the land of the living. Halosan is a bit netherworldish. Some recent comments appear to have spontaneously combusted. "Haloscan: Latest News: Server work in progress Thanks for your patience. 2/5/03"

US chooses Saddam's successor

By Tom Allard, Foreign Affairs Writer
February 4 2003

"The United States has chosen a successor to Saddam Hussein from Iraq's notoriously fractious opposition groups, according to a former Iraqi diplomat who lives in Sydney.

Mohamed al-Jabiri, who has just returned from in talks with Washington, said the White House has given its "blessing" to the head of the Iraqi National Congress, Ahmed Chalabi, to lead a transitional coalition government in Iraq once Saddam has been deposed."


There you go, George and his administration are obviously fully paid up Iraqi voters who hold democracy and national sovereignty in high regard.

Tuesday, February 04, 2003

Just thought you'd like to know that our dear Editor is back home after his all out wrestling bout with his truculent GB. He is currently looking for a very sharp pointy stick with which to stab everyone involved in the organ auction. Guess we'd all better start running!

"The boys wear exotic clothing including corsets, high heels, garter belts and tight panty girdles under their panties to ‘keep them modest'. The sorority girls in contrast look rather normal, almost plain compared to the cross-dressed boys."

READ MORE about "The Art of Petticoat Punishment."

And in only marginally related news, the World of Fashion was breathless when Yves du Chanel released his new label, "Incontinent Chic".

Stars of the opening night were super model Liz Saxe-Coburg and John "SpunkyBoy" Howard who carried off the latest in catwalk attitude, "geriatric angst", with both panache and aplomb. Liz can be seen here in a burnt pink ensemble accessorised with a white suede colostomy bag whilst John parades the traditional business suit with a fully absorbent, stain resistant kashmir lining.

What does the real englishman do at evenings? Of course, watch the cricket on the tv. Like the Australian Therapeutic Supplies Pty Limited imagines this in its scientific way.


Ann Widdecombe, despairing of New Labour's inability to lock up burglars, today unveiled the latest weapon in the war against crime - her pet cat, Twiggy. Said Mrs. Widdecombe, "Ten stones of furry spite crushing your gonads is a better deterrent than Lord Chief Justice Woolf's ridiculous old lag's poetry classes any day!"

Adapted from the quite excellent ROBOTMAN

Latest search enquiries brian hughes gas and Kangaroo semen poisonous and hitlers bibble and samantha fox bunions
and the piece de resistance how to get rid of whelk, blackhead

A Timewaster

Monday, February 03, 2003


150,000 annual pensions will buy a new Typhoon delta-wing aircraft, 15,000 pensions will buy a tank, 150 pensions will buy ten shells, 15 pensions will buy basic kit for three soldiers. Please aid the war against Iraq by handing in your old age pensioners to your nearest police station or government offices for speedy deportation. You know it makes sense.

Acting Editor here.
Happily the Australian Government has been only too ready to suck up to Tony co-operate with the British Government in this noble cause.

Eight sailors dead after Russian freighter sinks

"Eight sailors have died and four others are missing, after a Russian freighter with 14 people on board sank in the Black Sea off Turkey's northern coast.

Turkish officials say rescuers have found two sailors who were injured when the freighter went down before dawn, local time, in international waters about 60 nautical miles off the port of Zonguldak."

Now let's see if the World's media shouts "Hold the front page" for this tragedy.



"New Labour's Love Lost"
A romance for the twenty-first century.

Antonia was the Prime Minister of a small, North European island nation wreathed in mystery (Don't you mean misery? Ed.) and Dubya was the leader of the greatest superpower the world had ever seen. Antonia was but a Poodle to Dubya's mighty Rottweiler and many said their love should never be. Antonia and Dubya were determined to prove everyone wrong and their story will have you reaching for the Kleenex (Don't you mean sickbag? Ed.).



ONLY $29.99 plus P & P)

"I bought one of these for my mum and when she rubbed it on her leg her variouscose veins vanished. So did all the money what she had stashed away in the biscuit tin."
Beryl Plunkett. Shropshire.

"I placed one of these under our mattress and our sex life hasn't been better."
Robin Larrdharse. Calforlornia.

"If you look closely I believe you can see the face of the Lord on this organ."
K*vin Starbucks. USA.

"My Gran laughed at me when I told her that it had special powers and she got hit by a number 9 bus."
Name withheld. Kalgoorlie.

"I found one of these terrifying kitsch WMDs secreted in Saddam's Garfield underpants. For these breeches alone he should be unpersoned. Garfield underpants? ... GROSS!"
Hans Neezen Blixadaisy.

Orders for this item and enquiries about upcoming items for Xmas can be forwarded to:-

The Fleetwood One True Body Parts Souvenir and Pet Food Shop
4 Jones Grove,
Fleetwood, Lancashire
England FY7 6ES

Hurry, don't miss out! There is a limited amount of Brian Hughes left that can be chopped off under "The NHS Holy Relics and Extreme Body Modification Programme".

Get Well cards can be forwarded to the same address.
(No Gary Larson Get Well cards by request. Brian has already copied all the good ones in that range.)

Sunday, February 02, 2003

Till not be to updated...

You may have noticed the absence of any blogs from our editor over the last twenty-four hours. This is coz his GB finally got the upper hand (or is that upper tube?) and landed him in hospital (but not before throwing up several times all over Slightly Bent Sister's (Twisted's sister) carpet. Yuk!)
Sedgers, this means you are now acting editor for the next week or so. I'll keep everyone posted about Uncle Brian's progress and expect to have his acerbic wit entertaining us yet again in next to no time.

Luv & Kisses


From the brand spanking new mahogany inlaid with precious jewels from the Orient desk of Terry Sedgwick, the Acting Editor formerly known as the Deputy editor.

Disclaimer:- "Luv & Kisses T S" To clear up any possible confusion ... that message was not posted by me. I'm strictly a grope and bonk man.

I have contacted the hospital and unfortunately Uncle Brian is not allowed to receive visitors. Three persons of Middle eastern appearance bearing gifts of frankincense, myrrh and ricin have already been turned away and are presently helping police with their inquiries. A distraught Ms Widdicombe was removed from Uncle Brian's bedside and has begun a carpark vigil.

Get well gifts of cigarettes, single malt whisky and chocolate eclairs secreted inside plain brown paper bags can be delivered to Nurse Barbara Windsor via the back door. Knock 3 times, password is either "festering pustule" or "Tony Blair".

Uncle Brian's gallbladder has been successfully removed and is currently being transported on a 10 ton lorry to the "Fleetwood Bespoke Holy Relics and Pawn Shop" where small portions of the One True Gall Bladder will be tastefully mounted inside a glass snow bubble by master craftsman Nobby Scuttle. It is anticipated that these should be available for the Valentine's Day gift giving season.

The actual gall stones that were removed during the 15 hour long operation have been donated to the Fleetwood Historical Society which, as a result of Uncle Brian's boundless charity, will now be able to realise it's dream of constructing a lifesize replica of Stonehenge.

The owner of "Ye Olde Fleetwood Cream Cake and Chip Butty Shoppe" was taken into custody yesterday and has been formally charged with attempted murder.

Constable Reg Hollis said "We had hoped that we would be able charge him with the murder of Mr. Hughes, but you can't have everything. All of the lads here at the nick are hoping for a speedy recovery for Mr. Hughes. No, we do. We really do, honestly. True dinks, we hope he gets better. Honestly. I'm a copper believe me. No, we really do. Well, some of us do. I'm sure I heard someone say something along those lines. Alright then, you've got me. We don't give a shit. He's a right bastard."


Now we know!.
Homeland Security Spokesman Gordon Johndroe: "There is no information at this time that this was a terrorist incident. Obviously, the investigation is beginning, but that is the information we have now."

FBI spokeswoman Angela Bell said there was no indication of terrorism.

Like that even needed to be said!

The light bulb in the lamp on my beside table blew but let me assure you that no terrorists were involved. Well, on available evidence that is. Mind you I have yet to receive my terrorism kit, so I could be quite wrong.

"Prime Minister John Howard has defended the Federal Government's decision to send out terrorism kits to Australian households.

The government has been accused of misdirecting taxpayers' money ($15 million) by preparing the kits, which include a letter from the Prime Minister, a booklet and a fridge magnet.

The kits will be sent to every Australian household and contain advice on how to prepare for a potential terrorist attack.

Prime Minister John Howard says Australians are balanced savvy people, who want the government to set the tone, then hand out information.

"I think it's exactly what the public wants," Mr Howard said.

The booklet says the unusual videotaping of official buildings and the purchase of large quantities of fertilisers are possible signs of terrorism.

It advises every household to develop an emergency plan and put together an emergency kit including a torch, a battery-operated radio and a first aid kit including some latex gloves."

"Latex gloves" ... yep, we're a gonna anal probe those terrorists within an inch of their lives.. Must have a radio for all those Vera Lynn wartime songs that will dusted off for the occasion. A torch for putting under my chin to make my face look really scary to those nasty terrorists, or at least to Mrs. Gilbert next door who has been buying suspiciously large quantities of sheep poo fertiliser for her African Violets.

Oh yes John, this is EXACTLY what I want. I'm sick of being alert but not alarmed. I WANT TO BE TOTALLY PARANOID!

WARNING to any terrorists heading to our parts. Don't even think about it! You will be repelled by an impenetrable shield of A1 top quality Australian fridge magnets.


Disclaimer:- The accidental loss of any life or lives is sad ... period. Relatives and friends suffer and grieve.

However I do have to ask ... are the very public deaths of the seven crew of the space shuttle Columbia sadder than any from this past week's raft of deaths?

Zimbabwe train toll reaches 40, investigation underway.

Zimbabwean rail officials are investigating the cause of a head on collision between a passenger train and a goods train which has left at least 40 people dead.

Seven killed in western Canadian avalanche.

Seven people were killed on Saturday in the second fatal avalanche to strike the mountains of western Canada in less than two weeks, officials said.

Five Afghan soldiers killed by landmine.

Afghan officials say the blast occurred when the vehicle drove over the mine as the soldiers were on the way to destroy fields of illegal opium poppies.

Ten dead in Indonesia landslide.

Ten people have been killed by a landslide that buried their homes in Indonesia's West Java province, a local official said.

Sixth body recovered after E Timor plane crash

The United Nations in East Timor says a sixth body has been recovered from the site of a plane crash yesterday.

Police confirm 8 killed in train derailment

Authorities have revised down the death toll after yesterday's commuter train derailment near Waterfall, south of Sydney. Eight people are now confirmed to have died, with more than 40 injured.

Eleven killed, 18 injured in road accident in China

Eleven people were killed and 18 injured when an overloaded bus crashed into a reservoir in the east China province of Zhejiang, state media reported.

Apparently so if headlines are a gauge.

"China's President voices 'deep regret' over Columbia shuttle disaster"

"Taiwan voices condolences over US shuttle disaster"

"World offers condolences after shuttle disaster"

"Grief grips nation after shuttle disaster"

"India mourns the loss of shuttle astronaut"

"Bush mourns loss of space shuttle Columbia"

"Israeli astronaut aboard shuttle, country mourns"

and there are many, many more that could have been quoted

Before reading further, please re-acquaint yourself with my disclaimer.

Risk is part of the job description of astronauts. History proves this. This event is sad but no sadder, no more deserving of our sympathy, no more deserving of public displays of grief, media coverage than, say, the death of 8 passengers over here on a Sydney bound train.

Probably not the right time to prosecute my thesis about America being the nation least capable of coping with events that undermine its self perception of invincibility, power and success. So I won't.

Disclaimer 2:- None of the above is intended to belittle the genuine sentiment expressed by Coops, our man in khaki. My plea is merely for a bit of context and perspective. Maybe I've been driven to terminal cynicism by outbreaks of "Diana-ism" when it comes to accidental death and "Oprah-ism" when it comes to matters American.