Saturday, January 11, 2003

Peter speaks on gun crime and control of firearms. Grrr.

Today I read a fine report on the state of gun crime and the recent Government Legislation. Now, what soon occurred to me was the absurdity of the accusations being made by the reporter who was writing. Allow me to show some of the figures:

Highest increase - 310% North Yorkshire. 28 incidents

Other high rises - 240% Dorset 34 incidents, 100% Wiltshire 26 incidents

Now, am I the only one that thinks this is merely fuelling public hysteria? Having used weapons personally, had some training with them, and also had contact with weapon owners across the pond, I cannot help but see that this is a great inflation of a problem that the government have themselves cause. Talk about creation of a social folkdevil! As it is, the newspapers merely gloss over the fact that over 10 of the regions surveyed had had a drop in gun crime, most significantly Kent's 45% decrease. you really have to ask that, if this problem is so bad, why has it escalated so fast?

Now, let me take you back to 1995. This year was a big stepping stone to what we have with regards gun legislation now. This was the year of the Dunblane massacre, a LICENCED handgun owner used 4 semi-automatic pistols to kill lots of school children and a teacher. That was a tragedy in every sense of the word. But I can't help but sense that it was a police-made incident. Every licenced owner of a firearm is supposed to be checked with health and criminal records to make sure they are mentally stable, as well as being interviewed BY POLICE to see if they are "suitable" to own them. After the massacre, it was released by papers that he had been suffering clinical depression for months, and was suicidal. WHY THE HELL DIDN'T THE POLICE CHECK THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!?!

So from there and the various incidents that have followed, we reach today. Since 1995, hand guns have been banned (eliminating the sport of pistol shooting - the British "national" team has to train abroad for competition) while restrictions on de-activated weapons, automatics, shotguns, rifles and other firearms have been restricted beyond recognition since 1995. Before Dunblane, the issue of firearms was idle and not worth bother. Since then, the personification of all that is evil in the world within British society is the gangsta in the hood with the illegal pistol ready to "bust a cap in yo ass".

So let's look at the legislation that was brought in this week. Licencing of air rifles brought in and you have to be 17 or over. I'm sorry, but that is laughable. I can just imagine the aforementioned gangsta walkin' up for his gang murdering, as they all do of course, and shooting the person 7 times before he even noticed the pellets had penetrated his jumper. Air rifles are hardly strong enough to cause anything more than a scratch and lead poisoning from the pellets, let alone murder from AN ILLEGAL MACHINE GUN!! 5 years if you are caught with any gun without a good reason. How pointless is that?! How is such a law going to stop the use of concealed firearms? And lastly, the banning of replica weapons without good reason for having them. Erm.... the Home Office check to make sure they could never chamber nor fire a proper, usable round of ammunition. Why even bother with a law like this when the Home Office ALREADY does checks on the weapons already available? "But they import them, and those can be used!". WELL WHY DON'T THEY FUCKING LEARN AND BAN THE BLOODY IMPORTS!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!

So tell me. If you ban every firearm possible, what will this achieve? More people will use illegal guns. Geez, no criminal is going to walk around with a stick and walk up to ladies and politely ask for their money. Neither, in fact, will criminals give a TOSS whether the weapons are illegal! In fact, I'd say that by banning them, they are making gun use more widespread. The government has an exceptionally naieve policy regards firearms, it would appear.

Surely a better way to lower gun crime (as has been exhibited in Greater Manchester) is to give people more experience with firearms. EDUCATE. To KNOW why they are bad, why they should not be used for ill purpose. As it stands, no one in the country beyond current owners, ex-military personnel and current servicemen know *anything* about weapons. Surely if people new and/or understood firearms, they would not think they were hard or tools for being a bad-ass, but rather things that while serving a purpose should not be used for crimes.

"BUT WAIT!!!" says the young Labour MP in the front row. "We do not want to create a neo-Fascist young gun culture from our youth! Surely reintroducing guns into society would INCREASE gun crime!!" he exclaims! "Bollocks" I reply. Look at countries in our own EU such as Switzerland, where they have no army at all. Every adult from 25 to 32 has a semi-automatic rifle and an allotment of ammunition so that if war comes around, they may take up arms in defence of their country. Do you see them "popping a cap" in the asses of oncoming traffic while at a traffic light? HELL NO. Why? Because the Swiss from a much younger age teach responsibility and carefulness with firearms.

I would rather see a state where the government were tough on gun crime and tougher on the owning of firearms BUT ACTUALLY ALLOWED IT rather than banning them left, right and centre. As a Second World War re-enactor, I am seeing our hobby over the rest of the periods slowly reduced to nothing as anti-gun policy impinges on our representation of our military forces. It's a wonder how we have gold medalist shooters at the Olympics or Commonwealth games when some of them are PICKETED when training ABROAD for the events!

Two words describe this approach: Counter Productive.

Thanks for your time. Venting over.

Peter Cooper - Finally returned. He can't even believe Larry Miller beat him there!!

Editor's Note: This is more like it! A bit of controversy! Ban all guns from Britain?! Never! The suicide rate amongst the farmers would fall dramatically and that would never do! Peter, welcome to the board. Good to see you putting yourself in the firing line so quickly.

97: Lord Jeffrey Archer, Earl of Wessex. Born 1965 this ruggedly handsome man with a devilish twinkle in his eyes and a roguish smile playing across his thin lips, soon rose from the foetid back streets of Cockney (an area in East London) to prominence as leader of the Tory Party, Princess Diana's 'Rock' and the Saint of Tax Collectors.

Following a series of rape accusations in the 80's (allegations that were thrown out of court due to insubstantial evidence and a few Masonic back-handers) Archer and his spotty back went on to spearhead the 'Corrupt Right-wingers Against Poverty' committee (otherwise known as C.R.A.P.) whilst writing a chain of best-selling novels. 'Works of Genius that out-rival Shakespeare' (Lord Archer 1982).

Further accusations followed concerning political corruption, bribery, plagiarism and appalling literary skills. Undaunted Archer continued to champion the underdogs with his grammatical ineptitude until the jealousy of his peers led to his downfall. He was arrested in 1999 for '...being too good looking by half.' Banged up with Mr Big in the showers for five years (despite further Masonic manoeuvring) Archer, from the dusty confines of his luxury cell-suite, continued to produce his works of literature and hold elaborate parties with the Hamiltons. This time his books contained more 'bum-rape' scenes than previously.

Running the Theatre Royal on Drury Lane from his bedside cabinet, Jeffrey Archer finally died in January 2003 when a bar of soap became wedged up his sphincter and caused him to choke on the warden's dick. Now buried in Poet's Corner he will best be remembered as the latter-day Jesus Christ and messianic author of the Holy Scriptures.

Friday, January 10, 2003

There was an article in the Clitoris Times about a member of the Sisterhood battering her husband to death with a pickaxe. The trial was dismissed because "...she was suffering from PMT at the time and couldn't control her emotions." Way to go, Sis! Some men deserve to die horribly! Being noisy with the Hoover when a woman's suffering like that, what do they expect? Actually I'll correct that statement...all men deserve to die horribly, inconsiderate child molesters that they are. The courts need more female judges who understand what it's like to experience pain once a month. And a change in the law too! One that allows the 'murder of anything male' by whatever torturous means. A knitting needle through the bollocks for angry old grandmas to exact their revenge. A dildo smacked repeatedly up the arse until men's kidneys burst...let's see how they like it! A cat o' nine tails wielded maniacally THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT!

Editor's Note: An extension to the law for sufferers of gallbladder disease, whose pains are far more violent than those brought about by the menstrual cycle, allowing them to staple the mouths of ignorant feminists together might be a better bet.

Thought for the New Year: Convention is generally bigoted, stubborn and ignorant. That's why it's hard to argue against.

There will always be conflicts, despite the insistence of politicians that this will be the 'War to end all wars."

There will always be corruption, those committing the crimes being victims of peer-group pressure and the need-for-greed themselves.

There will always be it religious, political, cultural or ethnic. The very act of starting a movement to stamp out elitism is elitist in itself.

There will always be an invented God to take the place of individually decided ethics, if not in the Christian sense then in the Jewish, the Hindu, the Raelian, new age ideology, ghosts, fairies and things that go bump in the night.

There will always be the merry-go-round of ideas that create the generation gap. Ideas as radical as the hills, perennially compelling to the young and ignorant and the old and crusty alike.

There will always be homogenisation and commercialisation and the real artists and poets will always be relegated to the backwaters of life until such times as their memories can be resurrected for exploitation without royalties.

And there will always be Scrag Ends, no matter how much the rest of you protest:

A group hoping to lessen U.S. reliance on foreign oil on Wednesday debuted two television ads that link gas-guzzling sport utility vehicles to terrorist funding. The ads mimic spots that link drug money to terrorism.

One commercial features a child's voiceover and shows a man filling his gas tank and footage of terrorist training. The closing statement: "Oil money supports some terrible things. What kind of mileage does your SUV get?" The other ad shows people talking about their SUVs. One says, "My kids think it's cool." Another says, "I helped blow up a nightclub."

Hee hee hee...

Editor's note: All the more reason why America should bomb seven buckets of crap out of the Middle East (along with the usual smattering of Allied British troops of course) and take control of the oil wells. Can't have good old American dollars being wasted on turban-lovin' arabs!

Here are a few more anagrams for you!

A faery rat ass

Abandon a smile

D'oh, buggery abuse
Bogus guy be heard
Huge absurd bogey
US bugger head boy

Jenin ban - may hate UN

Anus dims shade
UN heads sadism
I had US madness
Dead man's sushi
Head ass dims US
Add shame in US

Biathlon yarn
A nylon birth
Horny anal bit
Hannibal Tory
A Libyan thorn
Hotly ban Iran

The last two anagrams are obviously an encoded threat to other parts of the Arab world once Tone has helped liberate Iraq from its indigenous population.

Thursday, January 09, 2003

Neither fish nor foul.

Gratuitous dust free, new, neat as a pin Feral Eye Cartoon de la Jour.
(Accept no substitutes or geriatric *classics*.)

Crusty Old CLASSIC Scrag End of the Week...

Dusted down and brought out of retirement solely to flesh out the Rant of the Week Board:

"At first sight it seems that there is very little to recommend the Viking people: their civilisation was based on war, looting, aggression, rape and other crimes that make the average modern human being blench. The truth was though, that these crimes made most of the members of the Viking culture blench, too. They were content that the warriors should travel far afield to terrorise distant lands -- after all, if innocents are going to be massacred, your priorities are that you shouldn't be one of them and that the persecution should be happening as far away as possible, so that you have no direct experience of it."

An Introduction to Viking Mythology by John Grant (Published by Eagle)

Editor's note: We learn from history...etc.

Thought I'd slip this one in before Joe finds it.

And Joe this one's for you ...

"This video will make you unforgettable to the crowd of frenzied women.

What came to mind when you read those words – “their ultimate fantasy man”? Did you conjure up an image of a hunky, shirtless male dancer? Now imagine for a moment -- that man is YOU. You, performing seductively just for them, delighting them with your every move, enticing them and teasing them…

But wait, you say. I wouldn't know how to do that. I wouldn't even feel comfortable doing that!

That, my friend, is what we will show you! And THAT is what women will be delighted to discover about you!" Click here!

To be non sexist, might I advise Twisted Sister to throw away those well worn copies of "Fred Murray's 2 Step Guide to The Pride of Erin" and discover a new world of movin' and shakin'.

P.S. The Dept. of Homeland Security has been searching for us ... 'kill sadamm pictures photos' ... we should expect an "Enlist Now" form in the mail by day's end. Not sure whether these same lads were also searching for "furry bumholes" ... yanevano. Thanks goes to Joe for the Rant being the only result for "english slangbook" on Google Finland. Our crowning glory so far, topping the result of the search for "bookburning-greyminster-dublin".

Wednesday, January 08, 2003

Did you know that Osama bin Laden is an anagram of a lesbian nomad?

What a surprise! I have found Uncle Brian's library on the net...

I've bin 'avin' trouble passing stools lately. Some squirrel got into me kitchen an' knocked a big pile of 'em off the table so's now I can't get passed. Naturally I dialled 999 an' explained the situation. They told me I was wastin' their valuable time an' cloggin' the phone lines up f'r proper emergencies. 'Ow bloody ignorant ('scuse my Grammar)! What's the world comin' to w'en the local bobbies 'aven't got the time o' day f'r an 'undred and three year old, I ask y'? Time was, w'en my 'Enry was alive (God rest his slippers), that our kitchen 'ud smoulder t' the merry chatter o' brave boys in blue. Sometimes we'd even 'ave the Policeman's choir round 'ere, toastin' their toes over the kettle an' singin' wartime melodies. Nowadays they're all too bloomin' busy ('scuse my Scrotum) teachin' Paki kids not t' smoke Tijuana nor eat dogs w'at are people's pets nor steal our wallets 'cos they're all lazy nig-nogs scrounging our 'ard earned taxes and squanderin' them on curry an'...TRANSMISSION BREAK!

The Editorial Staff at 'The Rant of the Week' would like to apologise for the extreme nature of the previous posting. Great Grandma Hughes has been removed from the keyboard and her posting replaced by the following review, as requested by Setev Langlile and his fat wife Robillina...

The Holy Bible.

Various Authors. Humorous Fantasy/Science-Fiction.

Reviewed by Molly Sugden.

When I was asked by the editors of this board to review 'The Bible' I naturally jumped at the chance. The fourth best selling book in the world (if you don't count The Greyminster Chronicles , this work has influenced generations of people...not to mention my pussy. With eager thumbs and sweating palms I ripped apart the covers and began to devour the prologue hungrily. Imagine, then, my disappointment when, after only a few pages, I discovered the book to be atrociously written, long-winded, implausible and lacking in imagination. Not only that but the publishers, for reasons best left to themselves, had numbered every line and every sentence -- a novelty I found most distracting and completely unnecessary.

As the book progressed I soon realised that this wasn't one story at all but a collection of unrelated, although equally as bland, anecdotes, none of which had a proper punchline. The characters were unbelievable (some of them living to over 300 years old), the research was appalling and the pathetic manner in which some mystical deity continually intervened at the most convenient of moments was most contrived. This was obviously just a plot device to get the talentless authors out of a tight hole...and I am unanimous in that.

The book lacked cohesion, contradicting itself both philosophically and politically throughout. Some of the scenes were obviously added for pure sensationalism...all that begetting and temple bursting and extreme violence making it completely unsuitable for younger readers. There was an overall lack of description and the characters were basic. As for the plotlines, they virtually didn't exist.

Book two was even worse. It was just the same story told over and over again, ending with a surreal tale about some snakes in fiery pit which would have made H. P. Lovecraft turn in his grave and made my pussy's hairs stand on end.

To sum up then...definitely not as good as Kenneth Brannagh's 'Hamlet' and far too much of the 'Good against Evil' rubbish on the whole. Might be a bit confusing for Douglas Adams fans from Dublin.

1 out of 6 because the absorbent pages came in handy for my pussy to piddle on.

Next week: T.V. Chef Ainsley Harriot reviews 'The Koran' by Muhammad.

Er... and more er...

Andy Oppenheimer, a chemical and biological weapons expert at Jane's Terrorism and Security Monitor, said its presence in London did not necessarily indicate a connection to any outside group or country.

This image is stored at If it hasn't appeared, right cLick and click SHOW PICTURE.

Tuesday, January 07, 2003


Well...actually, as it turns out, six Algerian men were arrested today for possessing a handful of cod liver oil tablets and 'minute trace elements' of the toxin 'Ricin'. Naturally the papers and the television news programmes have made a great deal out of this, despite the fact that ricin cannot be used to kill en masse and needs to be injected into the skin to have any effect.

Nonetheless, Tony bin Blair was quick to jump on the bandwagon with his highly expected, "See I told you so! I said we'd get terrorists with weapons of massive destruction in Britain if we didn't go to war with Iraq, didn't I?" stance.

So, presumably, the weapons of mass destruction that the U.N. inspectors are searching for and that are causing Mr Blair and Ms Bush so much consternation are of equivalent destructive potential. i.e. about as dangerous as a very sharp spud peeler. No wonder they're proving so difficult to find. They'd better check Saddam's socks then where, as every good school teacher would tell you, he's no doubt got them stashed away for safe keeping.

Later this afternoon, Uncle Tony addressed a bastard (or whatever the collective noun is) of British ambassadors, defending himself from recent criticism about being 'Bush's poodle'. "This anti-Americanism" the porn-star's son-in-law said, "Is just ignorant and churlish. You can't hate a whole country because you disagree with some of its policies."

Really? Then why are you planning to bomb Iraq, you bastard?

Don't forget folks, there's still time to display the above banner on your site before the 60-40 wager becomes a 1-1 certainty. Details on how to display can be found at the foot of this page.

First-Tri Quad 3-pack
Three 4 packs of cute mini fetus hand soaps. - $24.99

Coming soon to a Raelian Centre near you ...
Cloned fetus hand soaps.

And now for something completely infantile (has never stopped me before).

Last night I watched 'Fish and Elephant' (or at least part of it before I fell asleep on the sofa) on Channel 4. According to the pre-film blurb it was the first ever 'Chinese lesbian film' and contained 'bad language and nudity' from the outset.

To be blunt, it was crap. Not a patch on "Chelsea Dyke Orgy 3: The Pensioners Lick Back"! I'm not sure if 'bad subtitles' constitute 'bad language' but during the miserable one hour and ten minutes that I suffered of this ill-directed, plotless dung-ball of a movie I didn't see one nipple (apart from the actor playing the sushi chef), one flash of mott or even a pair of little yellow Chinese buttocks! Come on Channel 4! Between this and Kenneth Banana you're rapidly losing your grip on cutting edge t.v.

What happened to all those 'experimental films' you used to produce that generally consisted of some Dutch bird lying naked on her bed with a very large cucumber? What's become of your modern dance series with its nubile bints throwing themselves around an empty studio in the nuddy? Or the red triangle films with their annoying subtitles interfering with the beaver shots? This just isn't on!

What's the point in showing cheaply made foreign films if they don't contain putang? You'll be going back to the bad old days next, when you used to hand half a million quid over to some insignificant African country, get them to make a film about the most boring people on Earth and their trivial mud huts, and then introduce it as being "...the first ever film to be made in Nirowabi!" Hopefully it was the last as well!

Get your act into gear Channel 4, otherwise I'm off to Channel 5 where at least I'm guaranteed Tony Blair's father-in-law getting his leg over Linda Bellingham while cupboard doors pop open around them and the washing machine bounces up and down humorously.


EXCLUSIVE! The stained glass image of Saint Roger de Bois administering extreme unction the church didn't want you to see.
Currently on the search engine queries log for this site: - George Bush, Prescott, Satan.

I find it curious that Satan is considered the junior partner in this axis of absurdity and that Prescott is considered more noteworthy than Bleughh. Or could it be that some low brow twat doesn't know who the Prime Minister of Britain is?


New Labour policy on gun control, asylum seekers, the NHS, Education, pensions, war on terrorism, the Euro, standing up to Warmonger Bush (Don't you mean Saddam? Ed.) and just about everything else they've fucked up etc. etc.!
The Venerable Sage of Unyan
Dispenser of wisdoms and sayer of sooths to the multitudes

Upon hearing that not incarcerating sinners shouldst ease the crisis in Lord God Anthony's overflowing jails the Venerable Unyan doth say - by the same logic Lord God Anthony shouldst quickly ease the crises abundant in Education and the Health Service that is National by not sending children to school and not sending patients to hosptial. Lo, it is sorted!


The real reason why the British Army don't have enough personnel to crew their mothballed Apache helicopters!.
The Venereal Sausage of Chyves.

Has it on good authority that "THE END IS NIGH".

The End can't come quickly enough for the lttle shit who is the subject of this article.

Pity he didn't play this game as a child

(Image nicked from yorkshiresoul.blogspot)

Monday, January 06, 2003

"When the wind is easterly, I know a drama queen from a ham."

Hamlet: Kenneth Brannagh's four-hour extravaganza on Channel 4 last night.

Oh, what a noble piece of work is Brannagh. So passionate in misery yet so subdued in scripted places most unexpected. Well voiced in egocentric close-ups and distilled in raw emotion that, often times, call for his colleagues to don their running shoes and hurtle, as though in distemper, across the elaborate Pinewood sets behind his manic, writhing frame. Oh what bawdy, overtly zealous buffoons are Blessed, Dench, Williams, Attenborough, Crystal, Jacobi and Gielgud. So lacking in graces moderate. So void of control in the face of Oscars.

Now is the winter of too much content. A trifle long or to be edited? Aye, that was the question Brannagh ignored. Whether it was nobler in his producer's eye to suffer the audience leaving in droves or, by sticking rigorously to the original script, bear tedium and oppose them.

Alas poor Lemmon, I knew him well. Many a time and oft I watched his merry jest, he merely content to play the fool, and yet, in this his finest hour as he strutted his last upon the Danish stage, he appeared not to understand the very meaning of his words and failed to inflect with appropriate timing.

Fie! Lord Heston, with thine gun-law, thou was the corniest of them all. Your extravagant posturing and organ-pipe teeth had all the substance but not the wit to carry this terminable tale.

Come! Let us speak of this no more. Let us away to compare Australian soaps against The Bill and hope this petty play, this septic ham-fest, its mere actors forgetful of their worth transformed instead into archetypes of excess, shall not resurface from the twilight hours for many another year yet.

Latest News

Jack Straw announced today (presumably to allay growing unease about the inevitable conflict) that Britain's chances of going to war against Iraq were actually 40 to 60 against. Exactly how he arrived at this figure nobody's certain. Did one of his senior civil servants work out the mathematical functioning of Saddam's brain? Or has he been reading his copy of Old Moore's Almanac again mistakenly believing it to be a memo from Uncle Tony? Whatever the case, the figures are obviously contrived and, quite frankly, the news programmes shouldn't be wasting their time reporting such bollocks.


Some of these images depict a primitive knuckle-dragging hominid trying to ape the actions of a superior intelligence. The images on the right are pictures of cute chimps.
Here's one for the boys. Why not take THE FARTING SURVEY!
The venerable Sage of Unyan
Dispenser of wisdoms and sayer of sooths to the masses

Upon hearing of the multitudes considered by a Lord of Law to be sophisticated enough to show uncommon mercy to an unrepentant serial sinner who hath discovered a love of all things poetic (allegedly) the Venerable Unyan doth say - blessed are the sophisticated mutitudes who have eyes to see the Lords of Law for the stupid arseholes they most surely are.

Anti-terrorist intelligence today led to a raid on a central London sect of the First Church of the Asylum (FCA) that is suspected of a series of attacks on the British people. Police stormed an address in Downing Street in the early hours of this morning and arrested several idiots who claimed to be running the Asylum.
Head of FCA, Tony Baloney, who is said to have close links with international warmonger, Bush the Barbarian, is being questioned about his blatant attempts to destroy British social, financial, military and political institutions (Don’t you mean introduce radical new policies designed to take Britain into the 21st Century? Ed).
Baloney’s Consort-Royal, Cherie the Profitess, (Don’t you mean Prophetess? Ed.) (No, shut the fuck up! TS.), defended her husband claiming he was the best leader this country ever had and the miserable gits who were born here are not fit to lick his feet so obviously don’t deserve him.
Several tons of documents, said to be evidence of Baloney’s plans to destroy any hope of a decent future for all creeds and colours who have British nationality and are not rolling in dosh, together with bin bags stuffed with empty rhetoric and false promises, were taken away for examination.
Baloney, who possesses weapons of mass destruction, is an enemy of common sense and is known to harbour terrorists, will be interrogated about the continual breakdown of British territorial borders to the amusement of the French Government later today.

"The land of the free and the home of the brave!"

or "Coffee, Tea, or Should We Feel Your Pregnant Wife’s Breasts Before Throwing You in a Cell at the Airport and Then Lying About Why We Put You There?"

In late breaking news (for the benefit of our resident sports fanatic Mr. Hughes)

England wins a test match!

Official declaration of the win postponed pending result of swabs. Pakistani bookmaker seen in the Australian team's dressing room. Don't mention the Waughs.
If you're already familiar with the work of Jack Chick, the creator of those amusingly offensive evangelist comic books, you probably know not to take him too seriously -- after all, the threat of being thrown into a giant lake of fire by an angel isn't particularly frightening.

(Hover mouse over the 'graphic' graphic for more info.)

Sunday, January 05, 2003

And not forgetting the good Agatha ...

"A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion."

It's been one of those chilly, winter days where the the appeal of Fleetwood's ancient slate-pavements and cobbled back streets suddenly doesn't seem as important as unbroken hips and badly scuffed knees. I haven't seen or read any news items today so I've no idea what El Presidento Bush and/or Blair the Merciless are up to. I've also have no idea what member of the royal family has done what to whom...and quite frankly I don't give a stuff. I'm knackered and covered in sawdust, plaster, sellotape and glue. This afternoon (with a little help from my brother) we attempted to erect a shelf to accomodate Michelle's archaeology books in my bedroom. Handiwork of this nature is not my forte. After much cursing, hammering of thumbnails, drilling of hidden pipes, shattering of bricks, splintering of wooden struts and fracturing of plaster walls, we now have a lobsided shelf reminiscent of a background prop from the Poseidon Adventure as seen on television last night. And very proud of it I am as well. Admittedly we bent all the original screws in ways that are impossible to determine and we had to replace them with two-foot long rivets from an oil-tanker. But now not only do we have somewhere to keep Michelle's homework (providing we stick a doorwedge underneath it all at one side) but the old bloke who lives next door has five new coathooks in his bedroom wall (which he doesn't know about yet) and a shower above his bed (which he also doesn't know about but the good people at Lancashire Water Board have been informed and will be round a fortnight on Tuesday to look into the problem).

I would like to say that this is a joyful occasion for both myself and my significant other, who unfortunately must remain anonymous because he still trying to live down his former role as a member of "WHAM" and as a member coming soon to a public toilet near you.

I am so proud, so proud

I hope this satisfies those Doubting John Thomases who believed this event was a publicity stunt by Siegfraud and Roy.

Selected photos from S & R's family album.

(1. Great grandma Siegfraud.)
(2. Great grandma Roy.)
(3. Cousin Michael.)
(4. Some old codger what tried to pick them up.)