The do-gooders are up in arms (sic), quoting the Geneva Convention over the "humiliation" and breach of human rights of several young Iraqi men caught looting by a US army patrol. The humiliation took the form of being stripped naked and having the words Ali Baba (He steals) written in Arabic on each of their chests.
Awww diddums.
Being held up to ridicule by ones peers and country men for being caught thieving is a hell of a lot easier than being subjected to Sharia law which is what will happen if Iraq becomes an Islamic state under Shia rule (like Iran). I understand that the sentence for theft is the severing of a hand.
Tone's contribution to ensuring the safety of Iraq's law abiding population from the unruly mobs isn't so amusing. After the troops went in and removed Saddam's regime, the coalition left a gaping hole in the power structure of Iraq which the fundamentalist Shias are only too willing to fill. The US and UK stand by and watch, horrified, and do nothing. It seems Bleugghh and Dubya thought the Iraqis would be so grateful for the toppling of Saddam they would welcome their liberators with open arms and dutifully await democritization of their oil (Don't you mean country? Ed.). Instead they got blood-smeared religious zealots and looters taking to the streets. Bleugghh's answer to restoring law and order is to put back into place the corrupt police force that enforced Saddam's "laws" and to withdraw a large proportion of our troops. Quite how this contributes to the stability of Iraq is beyond me. But then, having seen the fuck up they left behind in Afghanistan perhaps I shouldn't be surprised.

Cherie's freebie Melbourne shopping spree

By NUI TE KOHA 26apr03

"CHERIE Blair, wife of British Prime Minister Tony Blair, indulged in a wild Melbourne shopping spree - and did not spend a cent.

Last week's shopping frenzy, prompted by a friendly invitation to streetwear giant Globe International in Port Melbourne, saw her walk away with 68 trendy designer clothing items. The free haul is believed to be worth about $5000. Mrs Blair, a top QC, earns an estimated $640,000 a year.

Most of the pricey streetwear was for the Blairs' children Nicky, 17, Kathryn, 15, and Leo, 2, who were with their mother. Euan Blair, 19, was not there.

Witnesses said the children were insatiable.

"It was an invitation to pick out a few items and they walked out with 70 pieces in five boxes," one said. "All we seemed to hear that day was: 'We want that one, mummy! And that one, mummy! Oh, and that one, mummy!' "

Mrs Blair was in Melbourne to speak at an international law conference and was invited to the Globe showrooms at a charity event early last week."

---

Steak and fine wine for Cherie

SHOPAHOLIC Cherie Blair spent Easter Saturday feasting on eye fillet steak and free wine in a Victorian high country hotel.

Details of the slap-up dinner emerged after revelations that the British Prime Minister's wife and children helped themselves to $5000 worth of street wear at a Melbourne clothing warehouse last week.

Seven security officers arrived three hours early to check the venue. (I presume they were Dopey, Sneezy, Grumpy etc, the hotel's security officers and that their job was to make sure everything was nailed down so that the scavenging piranha Blairs couldn't strip the joint bare.)

The rest of the group, including Mrs Blair's casually dressed (no doubt courtesy of the previous day's shopping blitzkreig) children, Nicky, 17, and Kathryn, 15, and the Thomsons, turned up at 6pm.

John Lacey, owner of the Hunt Club Hotel in Merrijig, said Mrs Blair had a wonderful Easter Saturday evening, tucking into a succulent eye fillet steak - "the cream of the crop" - and a complimentary $62 bottle of the pub's finest wine, St Henri shiraz.

"She is not a free-loader at all," Mr Lacey said. "She is just lovely. She really is a pleasant person, completely natural.

"She was very obliging, agreeing to pose for a picture behind the bar.


Oh dear, Cherie luv! Needed a bit more Vaseline on the lens.
Our damn harsh unforgiving Australian light can be a right bugger.

"And one of her security people even came down the next day with a signed photo of her and Tony Blair, saying 'thank you'."

WELL BUGGER ME! That was SO generous ... and modest!


UPDATE: "Cherie Blair will be forced to pay for her controversial Melbourne "shopping" spree because of UK rules regarding gifts to MPs.

Mrs Blair, wife of British Prime Minister Tony Blair, left Australia recently with a $5000 haul of clothing courtesy of Melbourne streetwear giant Globe International.

But the scandal-prone QC will have to pay up or hand the 68 trendy designs (five boxes full of T-shirts, knits, polo shirts, shorts, bags, jackets, mini-skirts, belts, jeans, sweaters, hoodies, knits and underwear, books, an alarm clock, necklaces, socks, a lunchbox, pyjamas, boxer shorts, a beach play set and pillow cases) back to the Port Melbourne designer."

Bugger me again ... the last time I robbed a bank, then had second thoughts and returned the 6 guineas I'd nicked Mr. Plod wasn't impressed and hauled me off to the slammer anyways.

Cherie, do you know anything about the concept of "Caesar's wife"? If you don't, ask your hubby Tiberius.

Iraq: And Taliq Alibongo Kaziz, Saddam Hussein's deputy prime minister, has given himself up to American authorities. "This is great," commented George Dubya this morning. "Mr Kaziz will be able to tell us where the weapons of mass destruction are most likely to be hidden so that it'll look really convincing when they're finally discovered."

Winnie the Shit: Winnie Mandela, estranged wife of pop star and international style guru Nelson, has been sentenced to five years imprisonment for fraud. The 'Free Winnie Mandela' campaign appears to be having more difficulty getting off the ground than her ex-husband's campaign some years ago.

Breathing Difficulties: Meanwhile the SARS virus continues to cull vast swathes of Canada and...I...honestly can't be arsed carrying on with this. I'm supposed to be recuperating from my operation, I'm tired and fed up and quite frankly I haven't got a clue what I'm doing here typing this crap night after night free of charge. Sod it! It's Friday evening, I haven't had a drink for three weeks and I'm knackered. I'm having the weekend off! Make your own minds up about the world for once 'cos I'm off to get drunk.

"Ignorance can often be improved but stupidity can never be cured."
Taken from last night's episode of MONKEY. You have to listen hard between all the bullshit and chronic special effects to find the odd intelligent line.

When asked what had become of Iraq's weapons of mass destruction, the British government today replied that, "...the weapons are definitely out there somewhere." (Cue X-Files music.) "The Saddam regime either hid them or destroyed them."
Er...destroyed them? Did I hear that right? Surely that was what they were supposed to do, wasn't it?

Meanwhile the Mayor of Toronto threw an epi this morning. Due to the large numbers of SARS cases now in the city the World Health Organisation has issued a 'restrictive travel' warning to foreigners.
"This is an outrage," the Mayor screamed vehemently. "Think of the revenue we'll lose in tourism."
Hmm...all £4.95 of it.
And to think of how the Canadians flocked to Britain in their millions during the foot and mouth crisis a couple of years back.

Closer to home and my insides are still aching violently. Having said that, I've just watched an interview with Michael Barrymoore who's having to fuck off to New Zealand because everybody over here hates him so much.
Still...that's show biz, Michael!

"It's full of stars..."

In an entirely fictitious but 'related to the quote above' move, the first ever Muslim Playboy went on sale in Baghdad today. "We're hoping to rebuild Islamic culture prick by prick," commented Hugh Heffner when accused of demeaning the beliefs of the Middle East. "And besides, I hear they sell some damned good rugs over there!"

Apparently America is the only country in the NATO alliance that has it's own 'Oath of Allegiance." This got me to wondering why anybody would need such a thing. After all, the British don't need to have the delusion that our country is the greatest place on Earth hammered into our heads every day of our childhoods. We already know what a magnificent realm we live in and how fantastic we are as human beings!
Then it struck me. America is a shit hole full of none-individuals with an average reading age of nine. (Nine! Imagine that! And if you subtract the reading ages of the British scientists who are currently conducting anthropological studies on the citizens of the USA from then it's even less!) The landscapes are terminally depressing. Unlike Britain's glorious patchwork countryside, our rolling valleys and snow capped mountains, from the fens of the beautiful Norfolk Broads, through the dreaming villages of the Cotswolds to the heather-clad mountains of Scotland, American landscapes are large, bland and shit. Your buildings are just boxes with windows, architectural style having packed up its Corinthian suitcases and buggered off when you 'won' the war of independence. Your films are an insult to the intelligence of chimpanzees. Your freedom of speech is a myth. Your understanding of politics is reduced to 'Good' and 'Evil' and even then you get it wrong. And, basically, the whole of the USA is a total washout.
No wonder you need to be brainwashed as children into believing that you live in the 'Greatest Country on Earth'. Otherwise you'd all just fuck off to another country and the corporate bastards who control you like so many opinionless puppets would find themselves with no-one to sell their fat-filled testicle-burgers, their homogenised greeting cards, their shitty sweatshirts and their soulless television shows to.
Somewhere along the lines the American dream of philanthropy and equality turned into greed and inequality, to the extent whereby it's now considered unpatriotic not to want millions of dollars and to be able to piss on your past companions from a great height. Due to decades of right-wing tax cutting abuses, your welfare state requires its own welfare state if it has any chance of survival, your educational system is fucked fair and square, your civil rights are vanishing up the arseholes of political repression and your institutions are coming down faster than Saddam Hussein statues around Baghdad.
So what exactly makes the USA so great?
I'm fucked if I know.
Incidentally...does anyone know why our viewing figures have been dropping recently? We don't seem to be getting as many regular American visitors any more.
Answers on a postcard please to: Irony and how to deal with it. 69 Bellend Street. Massabuttocks.

While addressing the not-so-militant NAS/UWT conference this morning, Charles Clarke, Minister for Education, promised to stem the stream of rubbish coming out of his department. May I suggest that Mr. Clarke makes good his promise by beginning at the top and resigning?

FRIENDS...Channel 4 almost every day of the bloody week!

It could be Friends. It could be Cheers. It could be just about every American sitcom ever written, or at least every sitcom ever to be shown on British television as a prime example of American humour. (Sorry...humor.) I honestly don't know if America produces anything that's actually funny/political/satirical/varied/more-than-mundanity-set-in-front-of-an-audience-that-would-laugh-at-a-goldfish-if-prompted-to-do-so, but if it does then we unfortunate Brits are not yet privy to it.
Six wankers who share their nondescript lives between a cafe and a flat. How old are these people for fuck's sake? One of them's a soap opera star and he still lives in a shitty bedsit! Six wankers, all middle-class, all middle-aged, white, none-smoking, none-drinking, none-swearing, none-offensive, none-sexual, none-political, none-religious. All self-centred and trying to 'out one line' each other. All boring. All meaningless. All pervasive. All wankers.
Just once...just fucking once...I'd like to hear one of them say the word 'fuck'. Or call another one a 'stupid cunt' or talk about their balls or their fannies in graphic detail or something, like real people do. Just once I'd like one of them to not be so fucking nice and naive and so fucking bastard fucking understanding and compassionate whilst at the same time so fucking ignorant about anybody or anything outside their pissy little circle. Just once I'd like to see one of them fucking die. No...let me change that...just six times I'd like to see one of them die...all in the same episode. And then they can cancel the bloody thing and never have to annoy me with it again.
And that goes for the fucking Golden Girls and Bill Cosby and the Fresh Prince of Bell End every other none-aggressive, none-realistic, none-interesting, none-entertaining piece of frothy, humourless bollocks that passes for comedy in the USA.
I understand that we have our cultural differences but humour, whether it's spelt with or without the 'U', has one universal factor. It's supposed to make you laugh! Not go "Awh" or "Mmm" or "Turn the fucking thing off for Christ's sake before my fucking brain dies!" I've never once laughed at this crap...and if it wasn't for the total shite that the other four British television channels have to offer those who'd rather not frequent the pub on a Friday night I'd probably never watch it at all.
And will somebody please explain to the producers that their characters aren't likeable in any manner whatsoever. They're just bland annoying cunts. I don't care how much money they might make out of this but the bastards responsible ought to be ashamed of themselves.
Or preferably shot.

Next week: Oprah Winfrey...what an irritating, condescending, fat, old slag!

Following a damning survey which claims that 95% of the British public can see no good in door-to-door salesmen (despite the fact that 20% of the same public actually bought stuff from these hawkers last year...how mongoloid is that?) the government is now considering making it illegal for traders to 'cold call' on people's homes.
Good!
Let's hope the ban includes Jehova's Witnesses, Mor(m)ons, children asking for their cricket balls back and those annoying cunts who wake you up in the middle of the afternoon to ask whether people knocking on your door in the afternoon ticks you off or not.

Meanwhile the SARS virus continues to run rampant across China. Dubbed the "New Yellow Fever" (in an extremely bad Chinese accent no doubt, as all Chinese exports are dubbed) the Daily Telegraph has linked the deadly disease to George Galloway claiming they have evidence that clearly shows some flakes of his skin mutating into evil spores.

In Iraq innocent (and some not innocent) people continue to be killed, as they still do in Afghanistan. However it's not relevant any more because News programme viewing figures have plummetted since the 'Shocking and Awesome' bombs stopped falling. News reporters, instead, have turned their attentions to the Queen's latest costume, some shitty boy band that's breaking up and various unsolved murders that were postponed during the Iraqi conflict.
"It's not that the war has ended and the problems are now solved," said Nick Owen, treasurer of the ITN funds. "It's just that we can't be arsed paying for our reporters to be on holiday any more."

Hello Jesus, it's Easter.

The real 'thinking outside the box' thing. Imho.

"You need to think outside the box!"
Anybody who actually uses such a contemporary cliché as that is obviously incapable of original thought, as the very expression shows, regardless of their self-perception...or possibly lack of it. In my lifelong quest to find an ounce of genuinity, a single point of purpose and a semi-intelligent 'outside the box' theory amongst the human race, I've yet to find an egalitarian religion that isn't elitist, a peace loving nation that doesn't start wars and an art critic that understands art.
"What was going through Leonardo's head when he painted this symbolic representation of the blood of Christ on the unleavened loaves was his desire to express the religious hypocrisy of his times in terms of physical structure."
What sort of bullshit is that?
How the fuck do you know what was going through Leonardo's head, you arrogant bastard?
The chances are he was just thinking, "Hmm...this looks a bit lopsided. Perhaps a bowl of bread stuck in the bottom corner might balance it up a bit."
"This particular piece...'Exploded bed with strands of used toilet paper hanging from it'...bends the rules of art and challenges our aesthetic notions."
A word of artistic advice to the critically challenged. Go suck eggs you remedial spastics! What rules of art? Why are 'Artistic Expressions' that challenge those so-called rules of art always such shit? Don't you think that the actual 'rules' of Modern Art these days, ironically, are to be always challenging preconceptions and producing something so crap that it has to be taken seriously by pretentious gobshites who wouldn't know emotional interpretation from a used condom?
These pieces of uninspired shit aren't challenging the rules of art at all if the rules of art insist that art must be challenged in the first place. How about challenging art with something unchallenging for a fucking change? That's the only challenge left...other than dropping your ostentatious pretensions and learning to speak out of your mouths instead of your bumholes.
And Leonardo da Vinci wasn't the greatest artist that ever lived, either!
To be truthful his paintings were wank! He was a clever bloke...I won't deny that. But a truly great painter? Bullshit! Absolute bullshit! Not unlike the programme on BBC2 of the same name.
Critics...stop raising the passable to genius and the laughable to serious.
And you cunts on The Late Review (now known as 'Newsnight Review' since you were downscaled, I believe) you can fuck off and take your risible opinions with you and all...go on...fuck off back to your illiterate, small-minded, Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen designed shitholes and write something intelligent yourselves before you start analysing the latest James Bond film in terms of its Freudian values or praising some modernist heap of dung that's fallen out of a pig's arse as though it's something of spiritual significance!
Ignorant twats!

Vociferous anti-war campaigning Labour MP, George Galloway, has been accused by the Daily Telegraph of accepting substantial sums of money from the now deposed Iraqi regime and of having anal sex with Saddam Hussein.
"We have the documents and photographs to prove it," said a spokesman for the newspaper. "You can see his toenails and everything."
George Galloway denies the charges, putting the blame squarely on the Telegraph's campaign to discredit the anti-war movement and a mistranslation of the Arabic documents uncovered.
"It's not me they want," Galloway stated firmly at a press conference this afternoon to which the Telegraph was uninvited. "It's James Galway they're after...the Islamic Fundamentalist supporting flautist. The one with the spastic eyes!"
Well done Rupert.

Meanwhile, in Iraq, protests amongst fundamentalist Shi'iteheads continue to grow in opposition to the American occupation. (They don't seem to mind the Brits and Aussies still being there you notice.) Small pockets of politics have sprung up throughout the country headed by the usual gangs of thugs. It seems that now is the time for George Dubya to either hold true to his promise of democratic freedom and watch from the wings as his plans for Iraq's oil exports go down the pan or call on Uncle Tony again for some freshly spun bullshit to get him of the political quagmire he's generated.
Well done George.

Other news and my stitches were removed this morning revealing a slightly indented naval, four scars and several bald patches where my recently regrown hairs were torn away. Without support the wounds are now hurting again making me wonder why I was so anxious to have the stitches removed in the first place. A situation not entirely unlike that of a certain Middle Eastern country I can't be arsed naming, I suspect. Unfortunately my painkillers also ran out this afternoon...
Well done BUPA and well done to the NHS for paying all that cash out to support the BUPA regime.

Fear not kiddies this template is just to test whether the page downloads any faster. (Have back up of old template) If this page doesn't load any faster then it is a Blogger problem not a fussy template problem. Comments on any change to speed in comments box please.

One of the best.
One of the most difficult.
Number One diva.

R.I.P.

Not sure what picture Brian posted here before the hotlinking site did a runner, but here for your delectation and delight is this illustration from "Dick and Jane Go Fundamentalist".

Full article here ... Credit Card Companies Close Muslim Accounts
By Hilary Russ, City Limits
April 15, 2003
"Say that you are one of those fortunate people who manage to pay off most of their credit cards every month. Then imagine your surprise when one of your cards is cancelled for no apparent reason. That's exactly what Farooq Firdous experienced. Last summer, Firdous, a Pakistani who got his green card in 1997 after 11 years of legal residence in the U.S., received a phone call from an American Express representative regarding a credit card he held. The rep requested that he send the company a mountain of paperwork: three years of tax returns, six months of bank statements and a job verification letter.

His wife, Yasmin Khan, who is Indian, received a separate phone call that same day for her own AmEx credit card. In each case, the rep told them they had 15 days to submit the paperwork or their cards would be cancelled. Firdous and Khan called back later – twice – to ask reps if they could send the request in writing. They refused.

... City Limits has found 12 cases in which Muslims, nearly all Pakistani-Americans, with good credit, all of whom claim they made no unusual or exorbitant charges or late payments, had their American Express credit cards cancelled. We found no cases of non-Muslims' credit cards being cancelled outright, or even non-Muslims who were asked to send in paperwork for existing accounts. "

Editor's note: Typical...damned Yanks won't give 'em credit for anything. (I'm still recuperating...I need time.)

Thank God the war is over! I come out of me hidie-hole in the water tank this mornin', all 'appy that the Iraqis 'ad gone 'ome and the secret police were no longer after me, only t' discover me 'ole 'ouse 'ad been looted. There were squirrels stickin' their nuts be'ind me pottery shite horses on the mantlepiece. An' a badger 'ad taken up residue in me chamber pot! I got me broom to that double sharp, I can tell y'. It shot out of there like a nig nog from David Lynch leavin' nothing be'ind but an 'andful of raisons which I 'ad for me lunch.
I knew those Irabics would surrender by Easter Monday though! No-good muslin bastards ('scuse my Laposcoptomy)! They don't understand about Jesus Hoartio Christ and 'is death an' 'is big erection like what us decent folk do. My 'Enry, 'ee always used t' say, "Those sand wogs 'ave got the wrong sort of religion!" That's what 'ee said, God rest his fez. "They don't understand our peaceful ways and our fear of homoerotica what is wrong. That's why they're always fighting and why they wipe their arses with their fingers ('scuse me Nigger) and why we 'ave t' run 'em all through with our bayonets t' keep Jesus' world a sacreligious place." An' 'ee was right an' all. Well, 'ee was right about that. I'm not so sure 'ee was right about that Mrs Norbett from Caldwell Crescent 'oo liked t' sunbathe nude in 'er living room and was always askin' My Enry to fix 'er plumblines for 'er.
Any'ow, I left me closet and thought I'd better take one of those walk-in baths. Me sister, Thora, left me 'ers when she kicked the trough last month. I was covered in straw and pigeon shit ('scuse me Macmillan) so I 'eaded off for the little girl's room. An' 'oo should I see stumbling round the 'ouse in 'is dressing gown but me great, great, great, great, great grandson, Brian, what should 'ave been doin' me shoppin' an' pummicin' me bunions.
"'Ere," I says to 'im all impressive like. "W'at are you doin' not dressed for the Lord on a Sunday?"
"I've 'ad an operation," 'ee retorts in 'is ignorant mannerism. "'Ad me bladder out 'cos it was all wonky like."
"Good," says I. "Now y' know w'at it's like! And y' can empty my bag when you empties yours at the same time, can't y'?"
So I un'itches me cafeteria and I 'ands 'im the bottle which 'adn't been emptied for four weeks on account o' me 'iding.
An' I dropped it.
Well y' should 'ave 'eard the hullabaloo!
"Look at the state o' me bleedin' curtains!" Our Brian was yellin'. "I only 'ad 'em dry cleaned last week y' silly old bag!"
I'm nine 'undred an' eighty-five y' know? An' I don't need some bladderless upstart tellin' me what my own business looks like!

Sabu Abudozy, the young Iraqi boy whose entire family were lost (why is it that Iraqi civilians are 'lost' but US servicemen are 'killed'?) along with both his arms, his ambitions to be a doctor and whatever privacy his former life had afforded him, is now said to be 'off the critical list.' Due to a special humanitarian import of Savlon his burns are reduced to a single scab just below his right knee. "Quite normal in a boy of his age," commented Dr Patel Ole F'Tang F'Tang of Baghdad Central.
George Bush himself, in an effort to restore public confidence, is donating two plastic arms and a 'Children's First Medical Set' to Sabu, along with a patriotic star spangled banner and the promise that American troops are set to stay in Iraq for several million oil drums decades.
So that's all right then.
Since the anti-climax of the Iraq war, ten thousand dead have been resurrected by Baby Jesus and Tony bin Blair, the servicemen who died in the conflict between British and American troops have been buried with honours and will never be forgotten...well, they won't be forgotten by their parents anyway...Baghdad has been liberated by the Ba'athist party who are back policing the streets...and the entire Middle East has learned a valuable lesson about 'Fucking with America' that they won't forget in a hurry.
"We are now entering a time of World Peace and the Second Coming of my tiny penis Jesus," said Dubya floating above the White House on a bungy rope in training for the Rapture.
The ten thousand dead and maimed in Iraq were unavailable for comment.

Meanwhile, in Britain, several career-disabled pop stars have released an album to help the people of Iraq. "It must be like really hard for them," said Travis. "Not having anything but that Muslim shite to listen to all day. We thought we'd give them some proper music. It might be a bit old and none of us have had a hit single since 1986, but it's got to be an improvement on Saddam Sings Sinatra."
Robbie Williams was unavailable for comment.

Elsewhere, British schoolteachers are calling for the abolition of exams for seven-year-olds. "The tests prove that British seven year olds are the most literate youngsters in Europe," said a smarmy government minister this afternoon. "I don't understand what the problem is."
"The problem is," replied senior members of the NUT. "They might be good at reading but they haven't got a clue what the words actually mean. For a generation brought up on rap music and BBC bollocks anything intelligent is beyond their comprehension. The lips move but the translation of the literature is lost."
George Bush's speechwriter was unavailable for comment.

Saddam in Iraq, says INC leader

Key Iraqi Opposition leader Ahmad Chalabi has told BBC radio toppled Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein is still in Iraq,

"Yes, he is in Iraq. Yes, he his moving around," Mr Chalabi, who heads the Iraqi National Congress (INC), said in the interview.

"We have received information about his movements and the movements of his sons," he said, but added the information reached Mr Chalabi's sources too late for them to locate Saddam before he moved on again.

"We cannot locate Saddam so that we would have a coincidence of time and position simultaneously ... But we are aware of his movements and we are aware of the areas that he has been to, and we learn of this within 12 to 24 hours," Mr Chalabi said.

Yes, I see why this chap is Dubbya's annointed one. He has a similar way with words.

---

Nice to see that the good Green Fairy is back again casting spellchecks and granting wishes hither and thither. Appropriate that the resurrection of her site should coincide with the Easter celebrations.

For the last few days I have been waging a chemical war against a massive wave of invaders. To make the matter worse, every morning the battleground is strewn with corpses of defeated combatants that do not have the decency to crawl off and die somewhere else.

I read somewhere that ants are intelligent. Don’t believe it for a second. This lot I’ve encountered just ignore which way the wind is blowing and teem forth every night to march forlornly around a virtual food desert, a kitchen devoid of anything but Nippon ant killer. And then they keel over and snuff it because the Queen Bag back at base succumbed days ago and is unable to order them to take the scoff back to their buddies in nest central.

Live ants do not like being close to their dead brethren (or is that sisteren?) so when the bodies begin to clog up the escape hatches that open onto the sink top they go low and erupt en mass across the floor where I stamp the buggers into the Italian floor tiles. The problem is so bad my other half thinks I’m intending to audition for River Dance.
Yet the ants still keep coming on. For every ant I kill another quickly takes its place. I think I am dealing with the formic version of the Evil Dead – a never ending wave of zombie ants sent to plague me for my pacifist sympathies – nature’s way of telling me that I, too, can be an evil murdering bitch when I put my mind to it.

So the carnage continues. In order to deal with the problem I have tried to put myself into the mind of the world’s leading military expert but Dubya’s mind is so small the hole where his brain should be has all but healed up. Therefore I am considering charging the little bastards for bed and board. And if they are supposed to be so fucking industrious why the hell don’t they wash up once in a while?

Deputy Editor to the rescue. At no small cost to myself, (i.e. the relinquishment of my oil concessions in Umm Qasr) I have negotiated with the Pentagon to have a 56th card added to the deck.

This on the queries log:

"surveyllance"

Yet anuva eeliitrat cnut!

I aunt iliereteratieate you silly twisted buoy. I was looking four "the pionty stick what welsh civil engineres use"

St**e L******e. ThU hAcKR MaSTr

(Evin thuogh I am a Chrestin I still think that Easter Bunnies is O.k. Well, the ones that visit me R cute. Sometymz I think they arent really Easter BunnyZ but they are just RobN dressing up playing a jokE on me.)

Return of UN inspectors to Iraq not realistic: US official

"The United States believes it is not realistic for United Nations weapons inspectors return to Iraq, a top State Department official said in an interview, rejecting calls for the inspectors to compile a new report on the country's alleged weapons arsenal.

Mr Grossman said that the United Nations will now have to discuss the problem that while the mandate of the inspectors is still valid, it is no longer feasible to send them back into Iraq.

His comments come after European Union external affairs commissioner Chris Patten said that UN arms inspectors must return to Iraq to verify any weapons of mass destruction found by allied forces.

Chief UN weapons inspector Hans Blix also called for the return of the inspectors, who he said would give credibility to any discovery of banned weapons.

Washington is itself sending a 1,000 strong team of US experts to Iraq to hunt down the weapons, which Grossman said he is convinced will be found."

Mr Grossman went on to say, " Uncovering the justification for this act of liberation is a task only for those who were part of the coalition that toppled Saddam Hussein's regime ... ourselves, the Australians, the British and the Poles. If there are going to be self fulfilling prophecies their discovery cannot be trusted to any nation without a verifiable self interest thank you very much.

Dr. Geller has been seconded from "The Weeping Mary Stigmata Foundation" to lead the team in the paths of righteousness. For the last 6 months this team has training on a strict diet of GM carrots that not only allows them to see in the dark but to see things that other people say don't exist. "Operation Phantom Menace" will commence as soon as the special issue ouija boards arrive."

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ON THIS DAY

1951. General MacArthur addressed the joint session of Congress after being relieved by U.S. President Truman.

(The buck stops here ... for a quick hand job.)

---

The Interim Iraqi Information Minister Speaks

"If I might say so, that is an outrageous claim. We are in total control. There is no looting. There has been no looting. There is order in the streets. There is more food on Iraqi dining tables than you can poke a semi automatic sawn off chopstick at. Milk and honey flows in the streets. Hospitals are providing a first class service with a free ex presidential solid gold bed pan being given away with every amputation.

Ten million tons of weapons of mass destruction have been uncovered. The two trillion vials of chemical and biological material found under a mattress in Saddam's bedroom have been placed in quarantine. The 55 most wanted card carrying Ba'athists have been placed under lock and key.

The oil fields have been returned to the rightful owners. We shall observe the Munich Convention ... we have no more territorial claims.

However it is now my sad duty to release the official count of Iraqi civilians killed during this war of liberation. Although there has been only one fatality I have to say that it is still one death too many. We deeply regret the passing of Mr. Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf. On behalf of the Holy Father President of the United States of America I convey sincerest condolences to his family."

It's Easter Sunday, boys and girls. And we all know what that means, don't we?
Yeah...it means you're going t' stuff your ugly fat face full of chocolate you obese slag!
No it doesn't, does it boys and girls? It means that it's time to nail up Baby Jesus to his cross because he's been a very naughty boy. All that swearing and cussing and pickling his foreskin at Christmas! And then he ate his myrrh and threw his frankincense at the cat, didn't you? So, come along boys and girls. I'll get the rusty old nails and we can sing the Hammering Song together!
Oy! Knock it off y' turgid bitch. That fuckin' hurts!
If I had a hammer, I'd hammer Baby Jesus knock knock I'd hammer up his feet to a great big wooden cross...
You evil bastards! This fucking wrecks! Mind me bollocks with that thing for fuck's sake!
I'd hammer a big nail, right through his naughty fat skull Thwack! Bang! I'd hammer down his willy and Sellotape his mouth!
Fucking blasphemous cow! You're fired! Y' can find yourself another stooge y' dollop of bullshit! And you can stick your cross up your arse. I'm off to fuck Buddha's bum!

Editor's note: The ever-conscientious Rant of the Week staff would like to apologise for the previous item. It was never our intention to demean or belittle the true meaning of Easter. As a reminder of what Easter is really all about please stayed tuned whilst I find a suitable photograph of two rabbits screwing.