Saturday, December 14, 2002

What every 'Good' car owner needs...

A Nodding Jesus Doll!

For more exciting gifts for the discerning religious member of your family, just click on the picture above.

My mother was telling me earlier about a Christmas card she'd sent to a friend in Australia. (Editor: A friend in Australia? Surely not?) There was a cartoon on the front of Santa's sleigh in a very rough district and all of his reindeers had had their legs stolen and were propped up on bricks. Surprisingly similar really to the cartoon I drew up a couple of years back that involved a milkman on a council estate whose cow had had its legs stolen and was propped up on stacks of bricks.

I'm very annoyed. It's bad enough that people steal my cartoons without telling me (common courtesy is always preferable to a smack in the gob) but to plagerise my work and then make money out of it is downright nasty. And the idea that somehow St*ve L*ngille has managed to get his own range of Christmas cards just stinks!

If this picture isn't showing (it is stored at Photoisland whose servers can be a tad slack), right click and click Show Picture

Scripture of the day: "He said, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return there; the Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord."" Job 1:21

All in one: Jesus boy, Dubya boy and many others... Jebus.

Friday, December 13, 2002

According to an item on Channel 4 News, a man in Rottenburg (or somewhere), Germany, advertised on the Internet for: "A well built man, 18 to 30, for slaughter." Out of the five applicants, one was chosen. He was lead into the advertiser's specially designed 'Slaughter Room', murdered on videotape and hacked up into chunks, which were then stored in the freezer and subsequently eaten. (No, I'm not making this up. There's probably a link to this story on some news site somewhere but I can't be arsed looking for it.) Apparently both men are/were presumed to be gay with cannibalistic tendencies.

And do you know what really pisses me off? He's got a diet like that and the bastard hasn't even got gallstones!

Well, you guys on the CNN Europe, we really have a nice Parliament. (Though this building is beauty only seen from without; the inside is full with many dickface politics.)
So, I like the view of this building, and I think, you too. But if I could have a gentle ask, don't illustrate your German article with this photo, right? Many thanks.

Set to any old tune you can come up with...

Your religion's different than my religion,

Your colour of skin is different than my colour of skin,

We don't understand you, therefore we are frightened,

So we are going to kill you, 'cos we've got bigger sticks.

One of the more popular theories put about by the media and bandied willy-nilly nowadays by government spin doctors is that somehow Saddam Hussein is within months of developing a nuclear bomb. "Image that! He could hold the rest of the world to ransom and then we'd all be buggered." Long pause...just to make sure that I'm hearing this correctly. America, Britain, France and Russia...we all have enough nuclear bombs each to destroy the entire planet and every living thing upon it three times over. So what if Saddam did develop a bomb? What's he going to do with it? Within fifteen minutes of pressing the button Iraq would be nothing more than a sizeable bite mark on the planet's surface. There'd be a mushroom cloud hanging over Baghdad the likes of which haven't been seen since Ann Widdicombe last ate Brussels sprouts. Even the tin-pot dictator isn't that stupid, surely?

Back in the early eighties Labour (then under the leadership of Welsh socialist Neil Kinnock) lost the election to Maggie bin Thatch because of his 'unilateral disarmament' plans for Britain. Those were the days when people believed that nuclear arsenals were an excellent deterrent for war. We stockpiled thousands of the bastard things because we knew that Russia would never threaten us if we kept up with arms race. So what's one man and his bomb going to do against our stupendous backlog now? It'd be like someone with a broken twig challenging a fully armed musketeer.

Of course...we wouldn't want the balance of power shifted even slightly towards the Middle East and those ignorant rag-heads, would we? Then where would our oil-prices be?

So this is Christmas, and what have we done?

We've just put some stuffing, up a dead turkey's bum.

So have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year,

'Cos we know what will happen as soon as January's here.
Happy Christmas, War is over,

All over the fucking Middle East.

Well bugger me Aunt Gertie with a cucumber! Peter Foster has admitted he deliberately targetted Carol Caplin because of her links with Cherie Blair and now expects to be paid £100,000 for his story. Wonder how much he's REALLY getting paid to take all the flack? Meanwhile Twisted's misery and boredom have just gone into orbit.

Pass the cyanide pills please!!!

This is a public announcement from Minty's Informative Niblets.

America is having some technical difficulties.

Please stand by.


World peace.

Or a sizeable piece of Dubya's stony, God fearin' heart, preferably ripped out while it was still beating.
Tone's head on a platter would make a nice stocking stuffer.
You can keep Cherie's head though 'cos that weird grin of hers would frighten the kids.

On Wednesday the Daily Mail ran a story about the Rev. Lee Rayfield traumatising a class full of eight years olds, including Ulrika Johnsson’s son Cameron, by telling them FC was dead and how the speed of pressie delivery would vaporise his famous reindeer.
What a miserable bastard!
Today the Mail saved the day by explaining the “science” behind FC and how the jolly old elf will be performing his annual miraculous feat on schedule.
How sweet!
Maybe the Mail will give us all an early Crimbo pressie by SHUTTING THE FUCK UP about the lies and omissions of Cherie Blair. They’ve been at it for nearly a fortnight and YES, we have got the message! REALLY WE HAVE!
Have these sad journos any idea what overkill is? I think they should be told!

Thursday, December 12, 2002

Wow! It seems I decided very well when hid the word 'Nostradamus' in the source of my site...:-)
But what the devil is 'las ketchup'?

Following Cherie Blair's heart-warming speech the other night (Copyright The Anthony Booth Trust 1975) further allegations have emerged in the Scotsman this morning (insert innuendo here) concerning her involvement with Australian con man Peter Foster's deportation case.

Despite denying her acquaintance with the Ozzie crook -- "I hardly know the man, governor" -- Cherie Loganberry Blair, contrary to her previous blubbing, apparently contacted several judges and studied numerous documents concerning Foster's imminent 'booting-out-of-Blighty'. She then telephoned the crooked Australian bastard to tell him that she'd bribed the Home Office and sucked off Jack Straw and that his case had now been, "...lost behind a filing cabinet." Foster is reported to have said in response, "Cheap at half the price, Sheila me old Cobber. Two flats in darntarn Bristol and 'alf of Tower Bridge for fifty-quid and we'll say no more, Ma'am." At this point Mr Bumble the beadle stepped into the fray proclaiming, "The law is an ass! As indeed is Judge Booth's face which, frankly, looks like one of Gerald Scarf's drawings!" Taking a pinch of snuff from his waistcoat pocket, Bumble snorted ecstatically whilst pulling a face that resembled a bulldog suffering from haemorrhoids. The face belonged to Cherie Blair nee Booth the porn star. "I'll 'ave you know," the stout beadle continued rapping the flagstones with the knob of his cane, "...that the Palace is now involved." Bumble takes stock of his chins and his jowls relax with the elasticity of a punctured life raft. "Apparently they're suing you over your use of sympathetic speeches involvin' tremblin' lips and puppy dog eyes."

Mr Bumble's allegations however went unfounded as the Queen joined the melee at the very last moment. Apparently the copyright on "Speeches of copious bullshit designed to mislead the public and gain their sympathy" previously belonging to Saint Diana of Wales was given away to one of her gay servants back in the late 1980s to keep him quiet over arse-rape allegations committed by Prince Edward.

Other news and George Winston Bush has announced that American citizens can now have smallpox vaccinations despite the fact that the disease has been eradicated for twenty years. If memory serves from those hard taught lessons many decades ago in Mr Gradgrind's classroom (two Dickens references in one literary can you get?), vaccination consists of injecting the patient with a minute dose of the actual virus so that the body can build up a natural resistance to it. This must surely mean that, if the entire population of America wants to be treated, the American government must have a hell of a lot of smallpox still knocking about. So much for eradication. The most worrying pox in America today is the government it seems.

Education Secretary, Charles Clarke, is threatening to launch a new attack on elitist grammar schools. He considers them to be anathema to working class and underprivileged children. The children Clarke purports to champion usually live in deprived inner city areas and run down “sinkhole” estates miles away from any of the one hundred and fifty plus grammars still promoting their outdated discriminatory canons despite the Labour purge in the seventies.

I agree that today’s grammar schools are elitist. They can afford to be fussy about selection when each available place is hideously oversubscribed. They are oversubscribed because parents of academically bright children know that state education is little more than a lottery. Why else do you think that the Blairs send their children to a so called “elite” schools rather than an ordinary comprehensive? Many Labour MPs send their children to fee paying independent schools. What a great endorsement for the state education system!

Why should sitting an eleven plus exam be any more traumatic than sitting level two SATs? Both exams test for the same thing; literacy, numeracy and basic science. It doesn’t take rocket science to work out that bright children have the potential to achieve more academically than their less able schoolmates. None of us are born equal whether financially or intellectually. I, and many like me, was propelled out of a working class background through grammar school education. My peers are government ministers, scientists, bankers, teachers etc. I do not consider my schooling to be either elitist or privileged; I consider it to be essential and an unassailable right.
I am the mother of a gifted child who almost left primary education barely able to write although he read prolifically. The school wanted to refer him to a “special” school because he was considered “disturbed” and educationally sub normal. An educational psychologist revealed my son to be in the top 5% of this country’s intelligentsia after he scored the 99th percentile on all his tests. This makes a nonsense of the government’s claim that intelligent children can easily cope with the current state system. No child can do that if the system is stacked against him because it is riddled with poor teaching techniques and oversized classes.

Three months of intensive private tuition in English enabled my son to pass his level two SATs. He now attends a technology college rather than a comprehensive because of his aptitude for maths, science, music, art, languages and IT. Within his school there are streams of varying ability for core subjects such as maths, English and science. Surely this is a kind of discriminatory elitism? If such elitism denigrates a child’s ability to learn why is it still practised?

Grammar schools are important to the future of this country. Rather than finishing them off more should be built to accommodate the lack of skilled professionals in our universities, hospitals, scientific establishments and schools brought about by poor funding and the failures of the education system. Selection used to enable children from ALL backgrounds to aspire to reach the top, no matter how poor they were. Grammar schools weren’t elitist they were egalitarian. The truth of the matter is that Labour don’t want the masses educated above the level of your average red top reader – so taken up with sex, football and tits that they don’t pay attention to what is really happening in Westminster. And the Tories are just as bad. Both Thatcher and Major could have reversed the trend but they didn’t which is why most of the top jobs are filled by the same class of people as at the turn of the century – the privileged public school types who know how to govern so much better than those who had to use their brains rather than their money to claw their way to the top.

Very New Labour!!!

  • North Korea possesses weapons of mass destruction and consequently is a fully paid up member of George's Axis of Evil Club.

  • North Korea covertly sends Scud missiles to Yemen.

    (There is no truth to the rumour that the deal was brokered by Cherie Blair and Peter Foster ... damn!)

  • George grabs the Scuds
    ("15 Scud missiles, 15 conventional warheads, 23 tanks of nitric acid rocket propellant and 85 drums of unidentified chemicals (!?) had been found hidden under cement bags." - REUTERS.)

  • Yemen cries foul ... "Give us our frigging Scuds back!"

  • Yemen is a member of George's Axis of Really Beaut Blokes Club. They promise to be rooly good and only use them defensively.
    (The official Saba news agency quoted the official protest handed to Mr. Hull. "The weapons contained in the shipment were to be used for defensive purposes as Yemen has no aggressive intentions toward any country, and owning such weapons would not harm the international peace and security," Yemeni officials had refused further details about the deal, including from what threat the Scud missiles were designed as a defence.)

  • Yemen gets its Scuds back.

  • North Korea signs off on another nice little earner.

  • High principle takes a back seat. Logic is consigned to the boot/trunk.

  • Proliferate or perish.

    I guess such flexiblity is not surprising from a President who spends all his waking hours with his head firmly inserted up his own sphincter. (Presumably looking for the tongues of John Howard and Tony "I did not have business relations with that woman" Blair.)

  • Wednesday, December 11, 2002


    what's with all this anti-war talk? it's so un-american. everything that we are thankful for today was attained by killing people. do you think we would have harnessed our independence in 1776 with a few well intended economic sanctions? i mean, i doubt if the british would have ran back to their country if we threatened to stop eating fish and chips.

    and this great land of ours .... most of it was stripped from the possession of unassuming natives. sure it's great to visit family and friends in california -- and vacation in other western states, but this wouldn't be possible if we didn't murder a few thousand savages -- raped a few thousand of their women ... stole their land.

    and what about the great world wars? if we didn't murder a few million of those foreigners our hot dogs would now be enveloped in sauerkraut. have you eaten sauerkraut? it tastes like shit. hell, there probably wouldn't be any hot dogs - just bratwurst. could you imagine a life without hot dogs?

    if pacifists had their way in the 1940's there wouldn't be a jew left on the planet.

    the problem with today's society is that the only real war fresh in their memories is the viet nam conflict. that was not a cool war. it ruined war for the rest of us.

    saddam huessin could be our generations hitler. every single anti-war protester would have blood on their hands if saddam took out a few million people with a nuclear bomb. i say why chance it - besides, saddam looks like 95% of all other iraqi men. would we miss him -- or the other hundred thousand or so iraqis that we kill with a few hundred thousand missiles? i don't think so. people have no problem eating cows and chickens because all cows and chickens look alike. kill one, turn around, and there is another one staring at your face. the same can be said about iraqi men. okay, i admit that all iraqi women and children don't look alike, but hey, nothing is perfect.

    so you believe violent video games result in increased violence and aggression among america's youth? if it were true, it would be a good thing (our military needs more violent people) yet i have to side with filmmaker michael moore on this issue. moore pointed out in his film "bowling for columbine" that canadians have the same violent television shows and video games yet their citizens aren't compelled to kill each other at the same rate that americans do.

    would our country be safer with less guns? i don't think so. if i had 150 guns in my house the murder rate in the city where i live wouldn't change. you don't cure alcoholism by not drinking, you cure alcoholism by discovering why a person is compelled to drink in the first place. the liquor is the vehicle - it ain't the gas that fuels it. the same can be said about violence and gun ownership.

    i say bring on the bloodthirsty video games and television shows like "cops" and "america's craziest and most spectacular car crashes"... our country thrives on violence ... and we are the richest, most powerful country on the whole fucking planet. why mess with a good thing?

    Cheriegate is becoming rather tiresome. Open a newspaper, she’s there. Turn on the news, there she is again. Obviously the media think the public (at least the ones who are not fixated on large tits) has a shorter attention span than a comatose goldfish. We have been regaled with Cherie’s failings ad nauseum for a week and a half and I’m fucking sick of it!!!
    Ok, we know that, for a QC, a part time recorder and a Prime Minister’s wife she has shown herself to be a stupid cow who lacks judgement in her choice of friends and advisors. We know that she can be economical with the truth. We know that Dear Tony isn’t exactly pristine either, particularly if you scrutinise the sycophantic shits and money-grubbers he’s surrounded himself with over the last five years.
    But isn’t it time we got things into perspective here? We have the biggest trade gap in history, the economy is going into meltdown, the NHS is up Shit Creek without anyone to paddle the boat etc. etc. etc. A paranoid person might wonder if the oh so public hanging out to dry of Cherie is actually nothing more than a smokescreen for something we should really be worrying about. Of course, it might just be a case of too many journalists being too stupid to care about reporting any real news just as long as they get paid for their column inches of perpetually recycled crap.

    Deputy Ed. intrudes with a link. "You may be busy Cherie, but you still lied "

    "I'm very proud of my wife. What she did last night took a lot of courage."

    Tony bin Blair this morning.

    Oh God! He's not been forcing her to have anal sex with Prescott again has he?

    Tone’s promise to revise the legal system can’t come fast enough for me. Over the last few days we have learned of a young thug serving a life sentence for cutting the throat of a prison guard he and a friend were holding hostage. The story of his miserable life is full of woe – expelled from several schools for acts of violence and topping that off with a large list of criminal offences because a psychologist claimed he was bright but prone to criminal acts if he didn’t receive the correct sort of schooling. In short, his criminal career has been blamed on a failure of his local council to keep him in schools he kept getting expelled from through physical violence and he won an award for £75,000 in damages. He now has a university degree and has won several prizes for short stories. He expects to be freed from prison soon.
    If there is any real justice in this world the prison guard he almost killed will successfully sue the bastard for everything he’s got.

    In contrast, we have a police officer jailed for three months over a misdemeanour with a parking ticket issued to a friend. Dismissing him from the service should have been punishment enough although being disciplined and fined, having taken into account his bravery and otherwise exemplary service would have been far more appropriate.
    There are serving policemen in various forces guilty of far worse offences and they still have their jobs. Referring to a recent well publicised instance I suppose being a police commissioner allowing the imbibing of illegal substances in his home isn’t quite in the same league as spiking a parking ticket but I suppose that’s where influential friends come in handy. Lying to “victims” of crime and failing to correct the “mistake” (as in “Right” Charlie and the Burrell case) is certainly more serious than the parking ticket episode yet the officers involved are still “on the case”.
    The British establishment sneers at countries with corrupt legal and law enforcement systems. We shouldn’t because here in Britain law is spelled SHIT!

    Confidence in the medical profession has taken another nosedive. First we had Harold Shipman and his bid to rid the world of old ladies and now we have three more docs in the dock; two for sexual molestation of female patients and another for failing to implant embryos in infertile women. The old chestnut about newly qualified doctors swearing the “hypocritical” oath must surely be haunting the ones who do their jobs without resorting to perversion or fraud.
    Let’s see Two-Face Tone throw money at the problem of dastardly docs and make it go away!

    While checking out the search engine queries page of this site I noticed three little words had appeared last evening - nig nogs tits.

    Whomever it was I suggest you try feeding names like Naomi Campbell or Halle Berry into the search engine. Failing that, roll in a turd and then admire yourself in the mirror you sad twat.

    Actually, that's not a bad idea for next year's Turner Prize. Hmmm..........

    In a live statement issued personally tonight at 6.45 p.m. (it was supposed to be at 6 o'clock but typical of women everywhere she was late) Cherri Blair admitted to the media that she was a bitch. Well...more or less. After copious amounts of spin and a certain amount of blubbering when she reached the bit about "protecting her son on his first day 'sniff' at university 'sniff...lip tremble spin'...a display of gratuitous sentimentality not seen since the late Saint Diana blubbed about her marriage and won three Oscars....Cherri Blair said that her only mistake had been a lack of judgement. it just me or does that sort of make her position as judge a bit of a joke? I mean, seriously, leaving aside for the moment the fact that we 'men' hate all 'successful women' (especially morally corrupt ones) and just want to bring them down, surely she shouldn't be dictating peoples' lives for them when she can't even work out what's right and wrong in her own!

    Sack her! Sack her now and whilst we're at it let's sack her husband! And let's put Saddam in power! He might be an absolute bastard in every sense of the word, but at least he doesn't pretend to be anything different.

    Tuesday, December 10, 2002

    'Tis the season of the panto, Fa lo la lo la lo la lo leh,

    Fat celebs and sad old wankos, Fa lo la lo la go far away!

    Get on telly on a chat show, try to pretend you've never been off,

    Julian Clarey, Christopher Biggins, Lulu and Stephen Berkoff.

    You're all dried up now, playing Buttons, panto dames are so outre,

    Useless wankers, lost your contracts, no longer flavour of the day.

    Retired sportsmen, aging actors, camp unfunny comedians,

    Innuednoes for the kiddies, careers flushed right down the pan.

    "What's that children? Where's my televsion career?"

    "It's behind you! It's behind you!"

    "Oh no it isn't! I was on Gloria's Open House last week!"

    "Oh yes it is! You were only there to promote Mother Goose in Bognor."

    "Oh no it isn't!"

    "Oh fuck off you talentless twats!"

    Just when you thought it was safe to water your flowers:

    I have just cruised on the Australian part of the net and I saw surprisedly some photos about a camping.

    I hope you felt well on the 2 week camping holiday, Terry.

    Hot days at Queensland

    Deputy Editor's outraged note. Petrenyi, you pathetic bowl of rancid goulash. How dare you put up that manipulated image! To set the record straight THIS is the original photo. Cher and I were just taking a quiet break from looking at a bit of real estate in Queensland. This is how we do the business in Australia. Utter transparency, due process and full disclosure.

    Might I add that soon after this photo was taken I discovered that our Cher is certainly her father's daughter. Video available for Xmas delivery. Send cheque for your copy of "Cherie Does Queensland" to Peter Foster Pty. Ltd. P.O. Box 231 Oodnadatta. Australia.

    The news delivery boy's despised note: Sedgers, you savage violater of innocent wombats, I tryed to be tactful towards the little Cherie... but you have rushed into the publicity and have pulled from her face's thick skin.
    Is it no matter for you a honour of a lady?
    Er... exactly, the little rest of hers.

    In a bubble in the first edition of the series, Rawhide Kid comments about the Lone Ranger: "I think that mask and the powder blue outfit are fantastic. I can certainly see why the Indian follows him around."

    Details are here.

    The “meeja” doth protest too much about the morals of German educational “anatomist” Dr. Massiv Frankenscheiser. The maligned doctor’s freak show of plastinated bodies and the much vilified public post mortem has made him a multi millionaire courtesy of the prurience of the rubber-necking masses in several countries. Put simply, he wouldn’t do what he does if he couldn’t make a comfortable living out of it.
    While condemning the televised carving up of a body, journalists are outraged enough to print explicit pictures of the event every time their hypocrisy reaches new heights of moralistic indignation. By demanding that the doctor and his freak show should be banned all they are doing is serving the Mary Whitehouse Factor ensuring widespread publicity Frankenscheiser’s work.
    I didn’t watch the televised highlights because I have seen the real thing all too often. Where I and Dr Frankenscheiser’s audience differ is that the post mortems I attended as a police offer were performed to ascertain the cause of death and not to pander to a load of ghouls who probably couldn't name the pieces of offal their host dangled gleefully in front of the cameras and knew even less about forensic pathology unless of course they watch Silent Witness in which case they’ll know everything!.
    I wonder how they would have reacted if the cadaver, rather than having died as a result of alcohol abuse, had died by blowing his own head off or had suffered massive tissue damage/loss from a road accident? But then, the victim wouldn’t have been handed over to Frankenscheiser for the titillation of the paying public.


    Scripture of the day: "As a deer longs for flowng (sic ... good to see some things don't change Uncle Brian) streams, so my soul longs for you, O God." Psalm 42:1

    Don't buy any of those Hughes' stocking stuffer books ... BUY THIS INSTEAD!

    "My father, Steve Langille, published a book about a friendly spider named Charles. It comes off like a children's book, but is also enjoyed by many adults. 2 thumbs up. You can purchase this book for $12 at Barnes and Noble or"

    "Outstanding. From the first page to the last, many laughs and well written and put together. Light hearted humor and another way to appreciate and to look at spiders as friends, not enemies. The book is for everyone and a must read for sure."

    The above review was by "Buddy, Lover of Nature". I'm not fooled, only Setev himself is capable of such ineffably beautiful prose. And if I'm wrong and I got it wrong and then I owe Buddy an apology and I offer it write hear and now and with no qualification and quite abjectly and contrightly.

    Call me paranoid but I’m very sceptical that, while Home Secretary David “Welcome All Comers with Open Chequebooks” Blunkett is convalescing after undergoing stomach surgery yesterday, John “Two Left Feet” Prescott should be given responsibility for all counter terrorism organisations in the interim.
    Given that no one can understand a bloody word Prescott says and even his own colleagues think he’s a joke, how is he going to direct the police and the intelligence services to protect this country against terrorist threats when the government he serves has an open door policy making it absurdly easy for bastards intent upon mass murder to sneak in disguised as inadequately scrutinized asylum seekers?
    If the police and the intelligence services are as well equipped as the armed forces being mobilised to fight Saddam then I think we are all in very deep shit.

    Anyone know how much an Australian or New Zealand passport costs these days?


    Because although “Big” Brother Tone says it’s all right to believe in fairies (Don’t you mean people of same sex….URGHHH!!! Dead Ed.) (Sound of TS disposing of blunt instrument), he goes on to explain that the concept of Father Christmas is nothing more than a bourgeois plot to promote religious strife with non-Christian minority factions at a time of year people can least afford it.

    Because I have no intention of helping the “Iron Chancellor” and the credit retail industry send the British economy into meltdown.

    Because my Christmas present list expands annually thanks to the fecundity of friends and family even though I continue to show restraint.

    Because I am sick and tired of being at the top of other people’s recycled presents list when I’ve gone out of my way to buy them something they want.

    Because spending obscene amounts of money is not in the “spirit” of Christmas and would have JC revolving in his grave had he not rose on the third day and ascended into heaven (allegedly).

    Because the spiralling costs of celebrating the season make Jehovah’s Witnesses, who don’t celebrate Christmas, even smugger than usual.

    Because I refuse to be held to ransom by a retail industry that perceives Christmas to be nothing more than a rip-off bonanza.

    Because I hate drunken sentimentality and if freeloaders know they aren’t going to get anything out of me they’ll stay away.

    Because over the last few years I have grown to believe that Scrooge really did have a valid point.

    Because, although people are going to label me a miserable bitch, I shall say to my critics - I can’t afford it, you’re not worth it and that’s an end to it. So there!!!

    This year’s Turner Prize was carried off by conceptual bullshitter (Don’t you mean artist? Ed.) Keith Tyson for his work “The Stinker”.
    Tyson, whom some disillusioned connoisseurs of modern art have dubbed “More con artist than artist!”, described his work as “antagonism for the embodiment of the colorectal impetus of pseudo-aesthetic conceptualism”.
    In plain English – a giant suppository up the arse of his critics.
    As he trousered his cheque for £20,000, Tyson cheekily suggested his winning entry would be renamed “Neo Modernistic Ancient Twine”.
    Last night the modern art movement was seen to hang its head in embarassment.


    Blair also dismissed the row about his wife's connections to Mr Foster, saying in an interview with the Financial Times, "this is just part of what comes with the territory (Which I gather has now expanded to include two flats in Bristol ... Dep. Ed.) nowadays". He predicted, "this type of media frenzy will come and it will go".

    Far be it for an ignorant colonial to express this view but I do get the feeling that your Tone is a smug, arrogant and supercilious twat. Obviously a Tory P.M. would be excess to requirements.

    On the twelfth day of fascism
    John Ashcroft gave to me
    Twelve digital implants
    Eleven years protesting
    Ten less amendments
    Nine internment camps
    Eight surveillance cameras
    Seven TIPsters tipping
    Six snoops a-sniffing
    Five Carnivores
    Four airport friskings
    Three wiretappings
    Two detained Muslims
    And a Department of Homeland Security

    - Author unknown

    Bit of Blatent Christmas Promotion Time!

    Two new books have just hit the Scrag Ends bookshelf in time for Chrimbo! Order your copies now and save a starving, penniless cartoonist or two from going bankrupt this Christmas!

    First up....Patternoster Row (One of the Greyminster Chronicles) An excellent and damned fine book...even if I do say so myself.

    Next up...Take Me Away From All This! John Steventon's collection of Knight and Day cartoons! (Also features all those Knight and Day/Scrag End crossovers!)

    Click Here For More Info and Ordering Details!

    Order now and stop being such a miserable shit!

    Monday, December 09, 2002


    "A painting called "Arsewoman in Wonderland," shortlisted for the UK's Turner Prize 2002. Fiona Banner's painting consists entirely of a textual narration of a porn film; specifically, a porn film dedicated to an extended exploration of anal sex, with an "Alice in Wonderland" theme. (Apparently, dwarves are also involved.)"

    Now what would Sister Wendy (who is apparently Twisted Sister's doppelganger) make of the entry?

    If this image fails to materialise, right click and click SHOW PICTURE. If it doesn't show then ... well stiff shit!

    "The care of human life and happiness, and not their destruction, is the first and only legitimate object of good government." - Thomas Jefferson.

    "If we have to act, we will take every precaution that is possible. We will plan carefully. We will act with the full power of the United States military. We will act with allies at our side and we will prevail." - George W.

    "In time of war the loudest patriots are the greatest profiteers." - August Babel 1870

    "The illegal we can do right now; the unconstitutional will take a little longer" - Henry Kissinger

    "Ha ha ha. You can't fool me. There ain't no Sanity Clause!" - Chico Marx.

    SEAGOON: ... Now what's this all about?
    MORIARTY: It is the revolution -- everywhere there is an armed rising.
    SEAGOON: Are you all in it?
    MORIARTY: Right in it -- you see, the United Anti-Socialist Neo-Democratic Pro-Fascist Communist Party are fighting to overthrow the
    Unilateral Democratic United Partisan Bellicose Pacifist Co-Belligerent Tory Labour Liberal Party.
    SEAGOON: Whose side are you on?
    MORIARTY: There are no sides -- we're all in this together-- "The Affair of the Lone Banana", The Goon Show, 1954

    "Freedom is the right to tell people what they don't want to hear" - George Orwell

    Just one more for Uncle Brian ... "Freedom and whiskey go together." - Robert Burns

    I'm sick and tired of everything.

    Of America and Britain stomping round the world and acting like bullies and then, when anybody stands up to them and fights back, acting astonished at what they've done. I'm sick and tired of elitism and greed and hypocrisy. I'm sick and tired of cultures defending their own rights whilst ignoring others. Of religious bigots picking out bits of the Bible or the Koran to use as an excuse for violence and intolerance. Of priests raping children. Of feminists hating men. Of chauvinists mistreating women. Of cats fighting dogs. Of Murdochs and Maxwells lying through their arses.

    I'm sick and tired of reality t.v. shows that are anything but. Of thick bastards becoming rich and famous whilst real talent gets ignored. I'm sick and tired of modern art and modern dance and modern jazz and modern socialism. I'm sick and tired of everyone being greedy and believing that there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be rich despite the third world suffering. I'm sick and tired of vicars with mansions, of the pope and his swollen balls, the Prime Minister and his bullshit, the American President and his war mongering and the royal family and their P.R. campaign. I'm sick and tired of the news being full of tittle-tattle and 'what the butler' saw when nobody gives a shit that the Queen and her cohorts are all fucking parasites. I'm sick and tired of Peter Waterman and the decline of the British music industry. I'm sick and tired of the 12 thousand-page report from Iraq and the fact that Bush is sorting out the most absorbent pieces for his lavatory. I'm sick and tired of peer-group pressurising adverts for expensive Christmas presents when everyone is up to their eyeballs in debt already.

    I'm sick and tired of the working class being nothing more than modern day slaves without the recourse that the 'slavery' epithet at least could eventually grant them. I'm sick and tired of women with pushchairs barging into me in the supermarket. I'm sick and tired of screaming children and ignorant biddies. I'm sick and tired of overpaid judges and underworked surgeons. I'm sick and tired of the hierarchy and the national lottery and the fact that nobody ever complains about inequality now because they might win millions if they buy a ticket. I'm sick and tired of people's ignorance. I'm sick and tired of middle age, of the ageing process, of my own mortality, of other people's mortality. I'm sick and tired of death.

    I'm sick and tired of God. Of people proclaiming a non-existent being to set the rules so that they don't have to take responsibility for their own fucking actions. Of Christians saying that God is a benevolent father when, if he were human, he'd be locked up after the way he's treated his kids. I'm sick and tired of Christmas with its annoying carols and its tacky bits of tinsel and its shitty horribleness. I'm sick and tired of people spraying fake snow on their windows when in reality it's pissing down and blowing a gale everywhere. I'm sick and tired of films that feature animals dying, or children dying, or parents dying that appear on telly during the festive season. Films that are supposed to make you well up with tears and feel all seasonal and good about yourself but are really just cynical, cheap ways for third-rate wankers in the film industry to grab a quick buck.

    I'm sick and tired of gallbladders. Of illness and disease. Of bigotry and ignorance. Of black people hating white people. Of white people hating black people. Of Jew hating Christian hating Muslim hating Hindu hating Atheist hating Jew. I'm sick and tired of Jeffrey Archer being a cunt and people continuing to buy his crappy books. Of John Prescott's face. Of the Liberal Democrats always saying what they believed until they got their first whiff of potential power and then abandoning their beliefs for the right-wing middleclass voters. I'm sick and tired of the Blairs, of the Osbournes, of perfume adverts aimed at gay men. I'm sick and tired of nobody reading my cartoons, nobody reading my books, nobody giving a fuck about anything unless it appears on the telly or in the Sun.

    But most of all I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

    And particularly of the fat little bastard from next door but one who keeps riding his scooter up and down outside my window.

    Whilst applauding Channel 5's efforts to appear more intelligent and sophisticated than they actually are (stick to porno films and cheesy game shows Channel 5! We've come to expect it of you) I can't help wondering why programmes about art are always presented by absolute tossers. As a child growing up I was the exception to the 'peer-group' rule of football fanatisism and pop-group pressure and would rather spend my days studying the great masterpieces of art than watching some puff with a trendy haircut kicking a pig's bladder up and down a field for two hours.

    As an adult I am now a fully qualified artist (penniless and cynical with long hair)...which puts me in a better position to understand artwork than the Dean of fucking Christ Church or Sister fucking Wendy. I've haven't heard such bollocks spoken on television since Margaret Thatcher tried to defend the poll tax bill as I have when watching the aforementioned Dean waffling on about various religious tripics earlier this evening. His understanding about composition and artistic arrangement was minimal to say the least. His spurious bullshit, however, was plentiful.

    I would like to say this to the Dean of Christ Church...fuck off you uninformed little twat of a man. And to Channel 5....please consider getting an artist (preferably a real artist as opposed to some cunt from the Turner Prize list) to present your art programmes in future.

    Sunday, December 08, 2002

    Long term gay and lesbian relationships are to be given legal standing equivalent to married couples while “over the brush” longstanding heterosexual relationships remain unrecognised in law.

    Well doesn’t that take the fucking biscuit!!!!!

    As one half of a long term, hetero, unmarried partnership (twenty years and still counting) I am appalled by the fact that a same sex relationship should be considered more valid than my own. For Christ’s sake, my relationship has lasted longer than most modern marriages! We have a teenaged son who has benefited by being brought up in a stable environment by two loving parents. Why should he be considered less “tax exempt” than children brought up by two “fathers” or two “mothers”?

    That politically correct fuckwit in Downing Street had better wake up to the fact that there are more of “us” out there than “them” when it comes to the next general election.