Saturday, February 01, 2003
FROM: GEORGE WALKER BUSH
DEAR SIR / MADAM,
I AM GEORGE WALKER BUSH, SON OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA GEORGE HERBERT WALKER BUSH, AND CURRENTLY SERVING AS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITES STATES OF AMERICA. THIS LETTER MIGHT SURPRISE YOU BECAUSE WE HAVE NOT MET NEITHER IN PERSON NOR BY CORRESPONDENCE.
I CAME TO KNOW OF YOU IN MY SEARCH FOR A RELIABLE AND REPUTABLE PERSON TO HANDLE A VERY CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS TRANSACTION, WHICH INVOLVES THE TRANSFER OF A HUGE SUM OF MONEY TO AN ACCOUNT REQUIRING MAXIMUM CONFIDENCE.
I AM WRITING YOU IN ABSOLUTE CONFIDENCE PRIMARILY TO SEEK YOUR ASSISTANCE IN ACQUIRING OIL FUNDS THAT ARE PRESENTLY TRAPPED IN THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ.
MY PARTNERS AND I SOLICIT YOUR ASSISTANCE IN COMPLETING A TRANSACTION BEGUN BY MY FATHER, WHO HAS LONG BEEN ACTIVELY ENGAGED IN THE EXTRACTION OF PETROLEUM IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND BRAVELY SERVED HIS COUNTRY AS DIRECTOR OF THE UNITED STATES CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY.
IN THE DECADE OF THE NINETEEN-EIGHTIES, MY FATHER, THEN VICE-PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, SOUGHT TO WORK WITH THE GOOD OFFICES OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ TO REGAIN LOST OIL REVENUE SOURCES IN THE NEIGHBORING ISLAMIC REPUBLIC OF IRAN.
THIS UNSUCCESSFUL VENTURE WAS SOON FOLLOWED BY A FALLING OUT WITH HIS IRAQI PARTNER, WHO SOUGHT TO ACQUIRE ADDITIONAL OIL REVENUE SOURCES IN THE NEIGHBORING EMIRATE OF KUWAIT, A WHOLLY-OWNED U.S.-BRITISH SUBSIDIARY.
MY FATHER RE-SECURED THE PETROLEUM ASSETS OF KUWAIT IN 1991 AT A COST OF SIXTY-ONE BILLION U.S. DOLLARS ($61,000,000,000).
OUT OF THAT COST, THIRTY-SIX BILLION DOLLARS ($36,000,000,000) WERE SUPPLIED BY HIS PARTNERS IN THE KINGDOM OF SAUDI ARABIA AND OTHER PERSIAN GULF MONARCHIES, AND SIXTEEN BILLION DOLLARS ($16,000,000,000) BY GERMAN AND JAPANESE PARTNERS.
BUT MY FATHER'S FORMER IRAQI BUSINESS PARTNER REMAINED IN CONTROL OF THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ AND ITS PETROLEUM RESERVES.
MY FAMILY IS CALLING FOR YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE IN FUNDING THE REMOVAL OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ AND ACQUIRING THE PETROLEUM ASSETS OF HIS COUNTRY, AS COMPENSATION FOR THE COSTS OF REMOVING HIM FROM POWER.
UNFORTUNATELY, OUR PARTNERS FROM 1991 ARE NOT WILLING TO SHOULDER THE BURDEN OF THIS NEW VENTURE, WHICH IN ITS UPCOMING PHASE MAY COST THE SUM OF 100 BILLION TO 200 BILLION DOLLARS ($100,000,000,000 - $200,000,000,000), BOTH IN THE INITIAL ACQUISITION AND IN LONG-TERM MANAGEMENT....
I WOULD BESEECH YOU TO TRANSFER A SUM EQUALING TEN TO TWENTY-FIVE PERCENT (10-25 %) OF YOUR YEARLY INCOME TO OUR ACCOUNT TO AID IN THIS IMPORTANT VENTURE. THE INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA WILL FUNCTION AS OUR TRUSTED INTERMEDIARY.
I PROPOSE THAT YOU MAKE THIS TRANSFER BEFORE THE FIFTEENTH (15TH) OF THE MONTH OF APRIL.
I KNOW THAT A TRANSACTION OF THIS MAGNITUDE WOULD MAKE ANYONE APPREHENSIVE AND WORRIED. BUT I AM ASSURING YOU THAT ALL WILL BE WELL AT THE END OF THE DAY. A BOLD STEP TAKEN SHALL NOT BE REGRETTED, I ASSURE YOU.
PLEASE DO BE INFORMED THAT THIS BUSINESS TRANSACTION IS 100% LEGAL. IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO CO-OPERATE IN THIS TRANSACTION, PLEASE CONTACT OUR INTERMEDIARY REPRESENTATIVES TO FURTHER DISCUSS THE MATTER.
I PRAY THAT YOU UNDERSTAND OUR PLIGHT. MY FAMILY AND OUR COLLEAGUES WILL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL. PLEASE REPLY IN STRICT CONFIDENCE TO THE CONTACT NUMBERS BELOW.
SINCERELY WITH WARM REGARDS,
GEORGE WALKER BUSH
|The Venerable Sage of Unyan|
Dispenser of wisdoms and sayer of sooths to the multitudes
Upon hearing that Gordon the Gormless doth urge the young peasants of this blessed land to provide for their dotage, even as they shell out tens of thousands of sheckels to attend the high temples of Peda-Gogy, the Venerable Unyan doth say - verily that Gordon is an crafty one. For not only shall he grab thirty and seven billion sheckels from existing dotage funds but he commandeth the young to pick up the shortfall caused by poorly performing share prices. His reward in the afterlife shall be great but only if he survives the wrath of Lord God Anthony.
Fucking al fresco is as old as the human race and a popular leisuretime pursuit. It's time to lie down (or assume any position that takes your fancy) and be counted!!
PS Precautions should be taken to prevent frost bite.
|THAT SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP LATEST!|
Just landed on Deputy Ed's desk.
"I much prettier cross dresser than American running dog."
Friday, January 31, 2003
Remarks by the President and British Prime Minister Tony Blair
For Immediate Release
Office of the Press Secretary
January 31, 2003.
Q One question for you both. Do you believe that there is a link between Saddam Hussein, a direct link, and the men who attacked on September the 11th?
THE PRESIDENT: I can't make that claim. ***
THE PRIME MINISTER: That answers your question. The one thing I would say, however, is I've absolutely no doubt at all that unless we deal with both of these threats, they will come together in a deadly form. Because, you know, what do we know after September the 11th? We know that these terrorists networks would use any means they can to cause maximum death and destruction. And we know also that they will do whatever they can to acquire the most deadly weaponry they can. And that's why it's important to deal with these issues together.
SOURCE. Do listen to the Audio to hear how much George "prishiates" Tony.
Pardon me Mr President but I could have sworn you said ... Oh, and of course the little British monkey subtitles what the big American organ grinder really said. Mind you I loved this bit in the transcript. "And as I understand the Prime Minister -- I'm loath to put words in his mouth -- but he's also said weeks, not months. "
What the Chimp DID say in the State of the Union address (not a million days before his press conference with Smiling Boy) WAS ...
*** "And this Congress and the American people must recognize another threat. Evidence from intelligence sources, secret communications and statements by people now in custody reveal that Saddam Hussein aids and protects terrorists, including members of Al Qaida. Secretly, and without fingerprints, he could provide one of his hidden weapons to terrorists, or help them develop their own. "
(Much like American administrations and companies helped Saddam develop his penny bungers of mass destruction. Hoist on their own pet turd.)
Cringe, chunder, SO much lying, toadying frogshit! Come back Nixon and Agnew, all is forgiven. We want leaders who tell fewer porkies than these wackers.
And his WAR TIME BAND!
Coming to a country near you soon!
Yes, relive all the old classics with Uncle Tony and his pink oboe players on their whistle stop tour of Europe. Great songs such as:
Red Mosques in the Sunset, Scud marks in the sand.
There'll be smart bombs over, Saddam's Landrover.
Some enchanted evening, We will kill a stranger.
We'll invade again, We know where but we're not sure when.
I've got a lovely bunch of Anthrax bombs.
Whispering gas don't tell the press, Because the press don't need to know.
Uncle Tony's tour of the European nations, including Italy, Turkey, Bulgaria, Hungary, Greece, Romania, Transylvania and Holland. Unfortunately there are no tickets available for France and Germany. Lucky bastards.
Support the War! Move to Switzerland!
Editor's note: Apologies for this posting being slightly out-of-date. Tony bin Blair should currently be enjoying a mug of cocoa in his love-nest with George Dubbya at Camp David right about now. This is what happens when I try to be clever and write my blogs in advance.
BRITAIN GRINDS TO A HALT...AGAIN! As happens every year Britain's transport has reached a standstill whilst the country is blanketed with snow. Many people were stranded in their cars overnight because the road gritters, despite warnings from the met office, failed to act. The road gritting firms have been accused of 'delaying tactics' to save money. A spokesperson for Tony bin Blair (who's currently dunking his digestive in George Bush JR's log cabin) said, "These are exceptional weather conditions and we just weren't prepared." Exceptional weather conditions? It happens every bloody year for Christ's sake! Has done for the last 5,000 years at least! You'd think the bastards would be prepared by now, wouldn't you?
Oddly enough, here in Fleetwood the sun is shining, the roads are empty (we live on a peninsular so there's nowhere else to go unless your car doubles as a submarine) and the only snow is on the mountains while the streets remain safe and clear. With a certain amount of irony our roads have all been gritted despite the fact they don't need to be.
The way I see it, the problem lies with the fact that these soft southern puffs have got the wrong landscape. What you need are some lofty mountain peaks to take the snow out of the sky before it reaches you. Couple that with the salt air from the bay and the warmth of the Gulf Stream and Bob's your uncle. Serves you right for insisting that 'Central Britain' means the 'Southern end of England' and for surrounding yourself by soft woolly hills from Noddy books.
Other news and John Prescott is set to introduce legislation that, in effect, would prevent the Fire Brigade Union from striking. Quite a turn around from the days when Prescott the Hutt was in opposition, eh? All that stuff he said during the miner's strike, et al? There is an old saying that the older you get the more right wing you become. In Prescott's case this obviously applies to his weight rather than his age. He is now approaching 75 stone per jowl and fascist totalitarianism at a rate of 183 knots.
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Sven Svensegaard. Now, I know vat you're tinkin: "I don't know no Sven Svensegaard! Oh, I know some Svens fer sure, and maybe even some Svensegaards, but nobody name of Sven Svensegaard." Vell, now you do. I'm da oldest son of Ole Svensegaard, an' Ole owned the biggest doggone lutefisk processin' plant in Norvay, by golly!
Vell, Ole took sick one day, and on his deathbed he revealed to me, Sven Svensegaard, dat he had stashed avay $35,000,000 (US) in a secret Sviss bank account. Dat money vas to be used for eqvipment to upgrade da somewhat ramshackle lutefisk processin' plant, but Ole, he didn't vant to pay da import duties on da machinery. He said, "Da Svensegaard Lutefisk Processin' Plant didn't get to be da Svensegaard Lutefisk Processin' Plant by payin' 20% to da government on its new lutefisk processin' plant eqvipment. Don't tread on me, by golly!" And den he died.
Vell, now, here's my dilemma. I got dis somewhat ramshackle lutefisk processing plant in Norvay. And I got dis account number and passvord for a Sviss Bank Account wit $35,000,000 US in it. Da problem is dat lutefisk consumption in Norvay has been steadily declinin' over da years and, as much as I love lutefisk (in fact, I'm nibblin' on some right now), I'm not sure upgradin' da Svensegaard Lutefisk Processing Plant is da best vay to spend dat money. Den da odder problem is dat the Sviss don't trust the Norvegians so good.
So I got to tinkin', and den talkin' vid my brodders Lars Svensegaard an' Ole Svensegaard, and den ve tree vas tinkin', by golly, vat if ve had an American partner to provide the Sviss bank vit da account number and da passvord, and den dey vould vire da $35,000,000 US to an account at a bank in da United States. I vas tinkin', you do dis fer me and Lars and Ole, an' you could keep 20% of da boodle. Dat's $7,000,000 for doin' hardly nottin', by golly. Preddy good deal, you betcha!
So, all you gotta do is reply to dis here message and give me your telephone and fax numbers. Probly also your bank account number and routing instructions.
No risk to you, by golly. Dis deal is gonna go down like lutefisk vit melted butter.
Ya shure, you betcha.
Thursday, January 30, 2003
Mandela speaks out against Bush, BlairFormer South African leader Nelson Mandela has lashed out at US President George W Bush's stance on Iraq, saying the US leader has no foresight, and cannot think properly.
Mr Mandela has also criticised British Prime Minister Tony Blair, describing him as the new United States foreign minister.
Mr Mandela says both leaders are acting outside the United Nations and therefore undermining the organisation.
He has described President Bush as arrogant, short-sighted, and intent on plunging the world into a holocaust.
Mr Mandela says he would support without reservation any action agreed upon by the UN against Iraq, but action without UN support is unacceptable, and sets a bad precedent for world politics.
"Both Bush, as well as Tony Blair, are undermining an idea which was sponsored by their predecessors, they do not care. Is it because the Secretary-General of the United Nations is now a black man?"
Goddam it, I'ma right hankerin' for a lynchin' and I'ma seeing an upstart nigra here what needs to learn the ropes!
Bush supports Saddam's exileUS President George W Bush has warned that efforts to disarm Baghdad peacefully will end in weeks, not months, and has also cautiously said he would welcome exile for Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein.
President Bush has made the comments as he held talks at the White House with the visiting Italian Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi.
... and a fine upstanding disciple of democracy and anti-corruption is our Mr. Belusconi. MIND YOU, the Boys from the Bush might find Silvio good company.
Mr Bush says it would be helpful for the world if Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein was to go into exile but says he is still planning for a possible war to disarm him.
"The pressure of the free world will convince Mr Saddam Hussein to relinquish power and should he choose to leave the country, along with a lot of the other henchmen who have tortured the Iraqi people, we would welcome that of course."
The "free world"? ... up there with America's view of "free trade", "freedom of choice" (long as you don't want a termination) and the legendary "free lunch".
If Saddam chooses to go into exile I'm sure Peter "I never had real estate relations with that woman" Foster can arrange the transfer of General Pinochet's former pied a terre to Saddam for a small consideration, though I believe Idi has a vacant granny flat available.
Get off the grass George! Try some ricin, feel free to inhale.
David Blunkett (accompanied by his faithful 'seeing eye' dog, Nigger) has decided to 'update' the "Draconian and Victorian Sexual Offences Act." (His words, not mine. You can tell they're not mine because I don't spit everywhere when I talk.)
Capital punishment for paedophiles, paediatricians, pederasts and Peter Falk has been introduced, as demanded by the Daily Mail and several council estate terrorist organisations. But along with the expected knee-jerk reactions have come a number of lesser-publicised surprises. Voyeurism (i.e. spotting your neighbour through the bathroom window and then lingering for that little too long whilst stirring your brew) will soon become a criminal offence. Couples having sex in a public place can also expect a sentence of six months imprisonment.
I was watching a documentary the other night. It showed how a paedophile ring raped umpteen children, ranging from two to ten. The perpetrators of these ghastly acts received less than three years each for their crimes. Not a heck of a long time considering they'd videoed their exploits for the lucrative Internet market. I can't help but feel that six months is perhaps a bit steep because some old biddy out walking her dog stumbles across a young couple having a quiet bonk in the woods.
There are questions that need to be answered here. What constitutes voyeurism? Renting out a porno video and then lounging quietly on the sofa at home with a mug of cocoa in one hand, the remote control in the other (for freeze-frame action and slow-motion rewind) and your denims round the ankles...surely this constitutes a voyeuristic act of some sort? Porno films in their own right, especially when shown on national telly, must likewise constitute 'Sex in Public.' Suddenly the future of Channel 5 looks very uncertain.
David Blunkett himself, of course, would be immune from the 'Voyeurism' charge seeing as he wouldn't know his arse from his elbow...or anybody else's arse from their elbow come to that matter...as he can't see a damned thing. (I have the urge to flash him and see what he does. Fall over backwards due to the unleashed force probably.) Having said that he's certainly destroyed the 'Victorian' sex laws. He's made them mediaeval now. Sorry...New Mediaeval!
Most annoying of all is the fact that I can no longer sell the video of David Blunkett bumming his dog over the Internet. The blind leading the blind? Or the reactionary dickheads leading the reactionary dickheads? I'd let the police decide but they're too busy arresting each other for viewing evidence.
GOD ARRESTED ON PAEDOPHILE CHARGES: In a statement from the 'Head of ITV Light Entertainment' this morning it was revealed that the popular cabaret performer, Mr God Almighty (or Jehovah as he's known to his mates), was carted off to a small prison in Ipswich after allegations of 'Historical Child Abuse'. "I always thought there was something funny about Him," commented Michael Barrymore from his luxury swimming pool. "He was fascinated with virgins and kept going on about 'Suffer the little children come unto me.' I believe He's been dropped from the Sunday schedules as a precaution."
The charges against Mr Almighty have been made by atheists round the World. They range from 'the slaughter of innocents' to 'the deliberate destruction, rape and lack of parental responsibility concerning his own children.' "His history of abuse is phenomenal," said Chief Inspector Stalkon, the arresting officer. "We had our suspicions when He actively encouraged the local school bullies to nail His son to a cross, but the offences afterwards read like a catalogue of genocide. He's started wars, caused earthquakes, given people cancer and deliberately caused train crashes. Then, typical of these half-witted, power-crazed deities, He made His own kiddies bow down before Him before killing them off one by one. We're currently checking under his patio for further evidence."
Max Clifford, acting as solicitor on Mr Almighty's behalf, commented, "God has not been granted bail. The courts thought it inappropriate, as He is omnipotent. Mr Almighty has always been an upstanding member of society and is clearly being victimised. He has always maintained that sex is evil, murder is evil and even coveting thy neighbour's ox is evil. Although, in all fairness, He does spend an awful lot of time designing baby boy's willies."
Judge St John Tallywacker III of Lancaster Assizes added, "We want this Bastard locked behind bars for good. Hopefully, while Mr Big's giving him a good rogering in the showers, He won't be able to do no more 'arm to nobody. Then maybe we can all start enjoying ourselves again."
Judgement Day is set for next week.
"naked lad age 10-12 pictures gallery"
Infinitely more hateful than Roger Chapman's missive. Let's hope the disgusting pervert who stumbled across ROTW while looking for kiddie porn is caught quickly. If there's any real justice in this world he'll get locked up for life and end up having his bollocks torn off!!
If there are any PC freaks out there waiting to tell me that this person is sick and needs understanding and councilling rather than locking up don't bother because I will only tell you to fuck off.
Wednesday, January 29, 2003
My gallbladder has taken up volleyball recently. At least that's what I suspect it is. I've got pains up my back, inside my nostrils and under my ribs. They're on the wrong side mind, but that's the trouble with gallbladders, they move about round the body, camping out behind the spleen or building bear traps inside the heart. Unfortunately this means that the usual grind of sitting behind my computer or being cramped over my drawing desk all day has had to be put on hold whilst, hopefully, the problem cures itself. Which has left me in a difficult situation. That being...what to do with the day?
With so much time on my hands, I now understand the world from the point of view of the 'average housewife'. After two days of nothing but housework, shopping and such, I have drawn the following observations:
2) No matter how many times you vacuum the same bit of carpet the pattern doesn't fade.
3) A bottle of Scotch at two o'clock in the afternoon is not a good idea.
4) I do not look good in women's underwear.
5) Three shaves a day is enough to cause your chin to become extremely red and horribly sore.
6) Six wanks a day has the same effect on your todger.
7) Columbo's dog doesn't have a name. It's just called 'The Dog' because, apparently, no matter what he calls it, it never responds anyway.
8) Never dismantle an electric toaster to see what's inside.
9) Sliding down the stairs in a cardboard box is not only painful on the buttocks but extremely dangerous.
10) Despite the entire cast in Neighbours being replaced the plot lines are exactly the same as they were five years ago.
11) Des O'Conner isn't funny.
12) Never stick your head in an unsupervised blender.
13) Three days before James Dean died in a speeding accident he made a public information film about not driving too fast.
14) Spunk is difficult to get out of a vacuum cleaner nozzle.
15) Housewives have affairs because their lives are so vacuous and daytime television is mindless shit.
This week Julian Clarey reviews the Iraqi Crisis.
I was asked to visit Iraq to inspect some weapons. So I polished my helmet, drank a big stiff one and bummed a lift to Baghdad. Well I must say, that Saddam Hussein's got a big bushy one, hasn't he? A moustache I mean. I asked him if he had anything to whip out for us to photograph. But he just took a big puff on the end of his fat cigar and blew some rings. He's got such a lot of paintings of himself all around the country has Saddam. Great big erections they are. And all those facials! I said he was very proud, standing firm against the allies like that. Especially against all of those seamen. Well, it takes a lot of spunk does that sort of thing.
I was forced to ride a donkey to visit some scientists who were cleaning their crucibles. When I arrived the donkey got wedged down their inner corridor. The scientists were very helpful and spent several hours pounding my ass. I wanted to buy some anthrax off them. There's nothing like a firm injection first thing in the morning, is there? They showed me their factories and said they were always being bombed. I quite enjoy being bombed myself. "Those missiles caused a lot of damage to our back passages," one of them told me. "Damage," I replied. "It's completely rectum."
Anyhow, I met the U.S. president on his impressive jumbo. I didn't like him much but I never was much of a Bush man. He said he wanted me to talk with his Colon. How could I refuse an offer like that? We took coffee together and he gave me his cream. Unfortunately we hit some resistance and he splashed it all over my cheeks. Then he asked me if I'd pumped Saddam for information. I told him I'd given Saddam a good lashing with my tongue. Then I'd uncovered his secret pipe.
Tony Blair met me at the airport and offered me a fag. He kept going on about having to treat Saddam to an iron fist. He said that Heir Blix had penetrated deep into Saddam's crevices but he'd had to pull his Hans out at the last minute.
Later we retired to Tony's flat where he gave me a bum fuck.
During his "State of the Union Address" President George "Let's-take-their-minds-off-the-real-state-of-the-union-by-going-to-war-instead" Bush told an already propoganda-filled American public that, "There are definite links between Iraq and Al Quaeda! America must prepare for war!"
This morning, almost echoing his superior's words, Tony bin Blair, despite admiting last week that there was absolutely no evidence to link Al Quaeda with Iraq, went on record as saying, "There are links between Iraq and Al Queada...although..." he added for the sake of British television in the full knowledge that American news companies would cut the addendum from their broadcasts, "We're not sure in what capacity exactly." No kidding, Tony! Especially seeing as Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein hated each other's guts. Mind you they are both Muslims so that's a start. Blair...you are a grovelling little arse-licker. Stop making pathetic excuses for your toadying and fuck off.
Other countries with links of no 'particular capacity' to Al Queada...but the links do exist, honestly, we've seen Al Quaeda suspects there...have also been named. Algeria for one. France, Britain, America. (Take your time folks and prepare for War, the oldest and greatest spin doctor that politics ever had.)
Will the kid from "The Emperor's New Clothes" please step forward and make my day?
Tuesday, January 28, 2003
India increases punishment for 'private part' injuries"The Supreme Court in India has increased the grading of punishment for fatal injuries to the testicles to first-degree murder.
The court has ruled that if a person with an intention to kill fatally injures another in what it has termed "the private parts", the accused will be charged with murder.
The ruling has come during a hearing on the verdict of a lower court, where a convict had been charged with culpable homicide not amounting to murder for kneeing a man in the testicles, killing him instantly.
Handing down a final verdict, the Supreme Court has said a doctor's evidence clearly showed the man's death was caused by shock from injury to the testicles and scrotum.
The new charge provides for a maximum sentence of seven years."
But the idea has never been executed very well.
The real reason I'd like to test weapons on France is that they are known to have a nuclear force of their own, have rockets capable of delivering a payload to anywhere else in Europe. So they are a known threat. They also originated the idea of deconstruction, which has come to mean, "If I write this paper and make it incomprehensible, I'll get a job teaching upper level literary theory to really hot chicks."
The United States ought to consider what a threat France is, will, and has been to it. This is the country that considers Jerry Lewis some kind of genius! I remember Jerry Lewis when I was a kid watching TV, acting like a complete embarrassing idiot, and it was supposed to be funny, people were punished with social scorn if they didn't laugh as he acted like a moron. I never understood the attraction, there were and still are enough morons to go around who don't even pretend to be acting.
On that basis alone I'd like to propose that all weapons planned for use on Iraq be tested first on France, especially Paris where the snootiest, most annoying urban population of the entire world makes a living as a shinning beacon of fashion sophistication, and bad driving.
Can't say as I reckon much t' this war so far! There's not bin much bombin' the Hun and bayonettin' the Japs yet, 'as there? It just seems t' be some darkie bloke, Enoch Powell or whatever 'ee's called, talking bollocks ('scuse my Arab) and petite pointin' on how 'ee's goin' t' blow ten buckets of nig nog blood out of everyone.
'Ee looks a bad 'un, I'll say that much. I'm glad we're goin' t' war with 'im, right enough. Although I don't reckon our brave boys in Karsi 'ave got much t' worry about if 'ee's the best the enemy can do. And as f'r that orange-putang stooge of 'is...George Minge or w'atever 'ee's called. 'Ee's at least three spanners short of a tool box, 'ee is. Bloody Iranians ('scuse my Scotch). If my 'Enry was alive 'ee wouldn't be sendin' in detective inspectors an' poncin' about. 'Ee'd 'ave got 'is mates together from down the pub an' led an undercover unit into deepest Bagshag. Then 'ee'd 'ave stuck 'is bayonet between their sanctimonious bum cheeks.
Where's Mr Churchills w'en y' need 'im? I was watchin' all those bloomin' students in London on the news today! "Don't go to War!" they was yellin'. "Bush is a moron!" Bloody long 'aired layabouts! Mr Churchills wouldn't 'ave been 'aving any of that nonsense. 'Ee'd 'ave stopped their grants, the ungrateful little bastards ('scuse my Spastic). 'Ee'd 'ave taken their cowardly backsides an' stuck his cigar right up 'em 'til they said they was sorry and went off to defend our great country like what they were supposed t' do in the first place. There ain't no decency left! No 'onour nor spunk. Time was when the likes of them lot would 'ave been marchin' down the streets with jerries on their 'eads an' broomstick rifles. Most of 'em would 'ave been too young t' walk proper let alone fight. But they'd 'ave signed up anyway because that's what was expected. We 'ad a great nation back then. Not the load of old rubbish we 'ave nowadays. I blame the nig nogs meself. We let 'em all in despite fighting a war t' keep 'em out! Now look where it's got us! Surrounded by dangerous rice cakes an' darkies what sneak up on y' in the middle of the night w'en you can only see their eyes, that's where!
I'm an 'undred-and-sixty-thirteen y' know, an' I remember w'en we used t' kill people that we didn't like without askin' all these stupid bloomin' questions! Now let's just get on with the bombin' an' the rapin' an' the killin' and let's 'ave less of this backchat, you 'ear?!
UK says Iraq in 'material breach'
"Britain's Foreign Secretary Jack Straw says Iraq is in "material breach" of United Nations disarmament demands and that it can no longer play games with UN weapons inspectors."
The Man of Straw confiscated Scrabble, Monopoly and Twister which will be kept locked in his office until Iraq behaves like other civilised nations and shares its weapons of mass destruction on the open arms market. Mr. Straw said, "Saddam is a very, very naughty despot. He's just spoiling it for everyone else. If we knew he was like this we wouldn't have invited him to the party back in 1979".
The UN weapons inspectors have been issued with Rubik's Cubes, Solitaire and copies of "Penthouse" as an interim measure to keep themselves occupied until the Iraqis say they're sorry.
|CHILD ABUSE SCANDAL LATEST!|
The Laming enquiry into the death of Victoria Climbie published its report yesterday. As expected, it's a complete pile of shit. It suggests that closer co-operation between social services, the police and the NHS should be sufficient to prevent children being tortured to death - the same set-up that failed to save Victoria from a horrific death at the hands of her aunt. A Child Protection Agency has been ruled out.
Victoria, and other children like her, are dead because social services, the police and the NHS fail to consult each other or fail to listen on the occasions questions about child abuse are raised. All three institutions are grossly underfunded and under-manned and have grown dangerously ineffective under Blair's government. We need a dedicated child protection agency with a radical mandate and the manpower and the funds to make it work. Dumping the problem on over-streched public services won't do and has never worked in the past. What the Laming Report proposes is an often repeated penny pinching recipe for disaster. How many children have to die before these bureaucratic tossers learn that carrying on as if nothing has happened disguised as "sweeping changes" is UNACCEPTABLE??!!!
Shares sag to 50% of dotcom peak
"At the close of another jittery day for share dealers and investors, the FTSE had lost 122.9 points - or 3.4% of its value - to close at 3,480.8. During the day the blue-chip index reached 3,460.3, less than half its value since the peak of 6,950 reached at the peak of the dotcom market excess in December 1999.
Only one share in the list of 100 leading UK companies - Rentokil Initial - (Wonderfully appropriate!!) ended up on the day, with some shell-shocked dealers predicting that the market may lose up to a further 500 points before reaching a floor.
The hawkish tone of the report by the UN weapons inspector, Hans Blix, intensified fears of an imminent military campaign against Baghdad and exerted renewed pressure on both shares and the ailing US dollar. "
Demands for Herr Blix to be called before the Stock Exchange Disciplinary Committee have echoed around the globe.
"How can hard trading greedy bastards like us make a dishonest living when you have pricks like him scaring the bejesus out of the punters", exclaimed Sir Jeremiah Legge-Orpington, chairman of Shylock, Faust and Graught. "If the World economy goes pork belly up it will be this man's fault. He has no right sticking his nose into other people's businesses."
"I personally informed him before he started this fishing expedition that our company had never supplied Iraq with materials that could be used for weapons of mass destruction. Well, certainly not since last Wednesday. That should have been an end to it! If it's good enough for those young kiddies who audit our company to take our word for everything, it should be good enough for him. Bloody Swedes, they should be out reviving their flagging international tennis profile, not making life impossible for us chaps."
"This man is the greatest threat to the World economy since the South Sea Bubble debacle. That Saddam fellow isn't as bad as Blix is attempting to make him out. He spends up big, pays on the knocker and always sends us a Christmas card."
Monday, January 27, 2003
The Rant of the Week breaks press embargo and releases the edited highlights of George W. Bush's State of the Union address
"I NOW HAVE AN ERECTION."
"PRAISE THE LORD."
"I NEVER HAD SEXUAL RELATIONS
WITH THOSE PRIME MINISTERS."
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE.
UN report condemns "inhuman" Australian detention of refugees
Government vilifies report
U.S.: Iraq Fails to Comply
"Unfortunately, nothing we have heard today gives us hope that Iraq intends to fully comply with Resolution 1441 or any of the 16 resolutions that preceded it over the last 12 years," Washington's U.N. ambassador, John Negroponte said./
Iraq questions U.N. inspections
Iraqi Foreign Minister Naji Sabri told a news conference his country had cooperated fully with U.N. arms inspectors who have been scouring Iraq every day since Nov. 27.
Sabri called the United States an "evil country" that was warmongering with Britain and "exporting evil to other countries." What they wanted, he said, was "to occupy and colonize this country to control its oil."
I look forward to a new Axis of Evil where Australia joins forces with Iraq in "Operation My Enemies' Enemies are my Friends" against the United Nations.
How to protect your Kiddies from the evil clutches of Paedophiles and what to do with the corpses afterwards.
1) Paedophiles are easy to recognise. Often they hang around outside school gates dressed in long brown macs with no trousers beneath. They carry boxes with puppies in them or bags of sweets injected with poison. Sometimes they wear curly wigs, platform shoes and large-shouldered silver suits. Most of them work for ITV's Light Entertainment Department. Other sure-fire signs are bald men drooling when children walk by, noticeable bulges appearing in trousers when a paedophile walks past a toddler's play area and men who appear in pantomimes with their hairy balls on display.
2) Some well known paedophiles include Pete Townshend, the bloke out of the Krankies, Ronnie Corbett and John Lesley. Some lesser-known paedophiles are Tom and Mavis Woods of 52 Stoneway Gardens, Fleetwood, Lancs, FY7 3EG. Telephone 8778439.
3) One of the best ways to discover where a paedophile lives is to listen to council estaters. Through their extensive network of gossips and slanderers they know all the local "kiddie-fondlers" and will be only too happy to point you in the right direction. Known "child-bummer" houses are usually marked by distinctive spray-paint motifs that read: "Out Chilld Fukers!" and "Die pedo skum!" Most often these safe-harbours for baby molesters have broken windows and burnt garden hedges where the school children and their mothers have expressed their disgust with lighter fuel and matches.
4) The quickest way to deal with "toddler-ticklers" is by the application of a swift kick to the bollocks or a cricket bat round the skull. Should you suspect anyone of "tot-tampering" then don't stop to ask questions. Just aim for the crotch and worry about the consequences later. Don't forget, "In the pursuit of justice it is better to be safe and take action first, even if that means there will be some collateral damage and a few innocent people will die in the process." (George W Bush and his lover Tony bin Blair 2002)
5) Disposing of the "kiddie-molester's" body following a sustained and brutal attack with a penknife, knuckle-dusters and the pointed end of an iron is simple. Just drag it to the nearest roadside ditch, coat the already damaged flesh with petrol and set fire to the traditional mackintosh. Most "paedophile-hunters" live on council estates and deliberate arson is a common occurrence around such parts. The crime is rarely investigated beyond giving the ashes a quick poke with a truncheon.
6) To date there have no reported cases of female paedophiles. In fact, amongst young boys who have encountered older women asking them for sexual favours, female "child-abusers" have become known as, "A damn good shag. No honestly! She did suck me off! You calling me a liar y' four-eyed twat!? I'll 'ave your mum next, just see if I don't."
Her hair is Harlow gold, her lips sweet surprise
Her hands are never cold, she's got Bette Davis eyes
She'll turn the music on you, you won't have to think twice
She's pure as New York snow, she got Bette Davis eyes
And she'll tease you, she'll unease you
All the better just to please you
She's precocious, and she knows just
What it takes to make a pro blush
She got Greta Garbo's standoff sighs, she's got Bette Davis eyes.
But best of all she's got Michael Jackson's nose.
Editor's note: Excuse me...just wanted to use the Sig-Up thing again. Now that I've finally got somewhere to upload hot-linkable images I suddenly realise I don't have anything on my hard drive worth posting. Time for a spot of Sunday night cabaret instead:
Editor's note: Excuse me...just wanted to use the Sig-Up thing again. Now that I've finally got somewhere to upload hot-linkable images I suddenly realise I don't have anything on my hard drive worth posting. Time for a spot of Sunday night cabaret instead:
Hello again everyone! It's Robillina here. This week I've got Baby Jesus tied up in a hamper with a sock stuffed in his mouth.
What was that Baby Jesus? You wanted me to tell the boys and girls about how masturbation will make them blind? Well that's absolutely right. Little boys should not play with their own winkies. If you want a winkie to abuse then make sure it's a wrinkled old one hanging out of a Catholic Priest's cassock. I know that I certainly learnt a lot from my old Sunday School teacher, Father Ferdinand. He used to tie me up like I've done with Baby Jesus here. Then he'd poke me with his 'Holy Wanger'. He explained to me all about how my 'tuppence' worked and how we must all suffer pain in the name of the Lord. Then he made me promise never to tell anyone so, you won't let anyone else know, will you children? What was that, Baby Jesus? You want me to talk about how people who don't go to church will end up with Satan's pitchfork up their jacksies now? Even babies that God has killed before they had a chance to turn religious?
Ngnhfgh...no! I said "Piss Flaps" you big fat slag!
Sunday, January 26, 2003
A few helpful hints on how you can successfully bugger up my weekend.
1) If you happen to be my neighbour: Try parking your car outside my window every Saturday afternoon and spending three hours soaping it down with the radio on full blast. Listening to you scream blue murder at the football match is guaranteed to spoil my afternoon nap and/or make huge swathes of Columbo completely inaudible.
2) Programme schedulers: Make sure that the only people to appreciate your choice of viewing at the weekend are brain-dead football fans or ninety-year old veterans by filling the schedules with wall-to-wall sports features and crappy old war films. Then stick Columbo on at five o'clock when I'm in the middle of preparing tea so that I'll miss it.
3) Kids: Wait until I'm just nodding off after dinner then get on your skateboards right outside my front door and make as much racket as possible. Skateboards and cobblestones don't actually mix but, rather than finding the nearest hill, use the pavement to create an horrendous din instead.
4) Iceland: Reduce the number of staff you employ at weekend to almost none and then close down the checkouts so that the queues reach out of the door. Also please insist that all your food products are labelled incorrectly thus forcing the one remaining assistant to call the manager in from his game of golf to check up on the price of a packet of Hob Nobs. There's nothing like waiting for three-quarters of an hour for a bloody price-check to fill out an otherwise dull Saturday afternoon.
5) The local vicar: Don't be arsed getting the bells in your church spire replaced. Buy a sound effects record instead. Preferably one that's scratched and keeps repeating the same three bells over and over. To ensure maximum interruption to my Sunday morning lie-in turn the volume of your P.A. system up to max. You'll know that you've reached full blast when your earpiece shatters and the seagulls on the church roof start vomiting blood.
6) Drunkards: Try to party noisily all night long, with your highly amusing football songs and your wife battering escapades. Just make sure to avoid the police at all costs though. This can usually be achieved by hiding down the ginnel at the back of my house and then tripping over the rubbish bag I've left out for the bin men, thus spilling its contents all over the alley.
7) Cafe owners: Make sure that you don't screw the caps of the sugar containers down properly so that my coffee will end up 10% liquid, 90% Tate & Lyle. Also make sure that the 'Dairy Lea Cheese Triangles' you charge 50 pence for have been left out of the fridge overnight. That way the little red strings designed to remove the wrapper won't actually slice through anything, resulting instead in a blob of mangled up cheese mixed with bits of tin foil that send shockwaves through my fillings.
8) Seagulls: Start each morning off with a battle to the death on my chimney pot. Make sure that it lasts for at least thirty-minutes and is pitched at just the right volume to penetrate several pillows and a screwed up duvet.
Australia honours its great achievers.
"PROFESSOR Fiona Stanley, the child health expert who made a breakthrough discovery in the prevention of birth defects, is the 2003 Australian Of The Year.
The Perth specialist in public health led a team that discovered taking folic acid before and during pregnancy can prevent spina bifida in babies.
World number one tennis player Lleyton Hewitt is the Young
Terry Sedgwick was one of only four people to be made a Companion of the Order of Australia, the highest award, along with Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade head Ashton Calvert, NSW Court of Appeal president Justice Keith Mason and former Liberal Party treasurer and Melbourne businessman Ron Walker.
Mr. Sedgwick was recognised for his tireless work establishing the Unmarried Wombats Refuge in Strathmore. "I hope that this award will finally put to rest the scurrilous and unsubstantiated rumours about my interest in young attractive marsupials", an ebullient Sedgwick said.
A number of serious charges against Sedgwick were dropped when witnesses for the prosecution failed to return from their sequestration at the Fred and Rosemary West Caravan Park which is partly owned by Mr. Sedgwick.
A hands-on Terry Sedgwick helps with the construction
of the Unmarried Wombats Refuge back in 1986.
The list is also certain to spark controversy, with some of Prime Minister John Howard's closest confidants and supporters receiving the nation's highest awards.
More than 600 Australians are also honoured today on the Australia Day Honours list; including former Australian cricket captain Mark Taylor, actor Garry McDonald, Aboriginal activist Dr Mick Dodson and winemaker Donald McWilliam."
And of course there's this.
And this fine Australia Day cartoon ...
I don't understand why anyone would write ROTW a hate letter. We are all so really undeserving of such an honor. It's not as if we were out there in the real world manufacturing low yield thermonuclear weapons to use on small defenseless native populations is it? We aren't selling infomercials about how to get rich over the Internet. We arn't piloting robot drones armed with Hellfire missles, or manufacturing toxic steaming heavy metal murcurial slosh to dump into some unfortunate quaint ecosystem just to cut expenses and boost profits. Although we could. So I fail to understand the hate and I have not up to this point actually read the damn thing. There have been some tasteless pictures placed here occasionally, really tasteless things have been said, but said only with the power and strength of tough love behind them.
I know I have said to much, especially the part about tough love, it's all so embarrassingly spiritual for these pages I know. I'm sorry and it won't happen again. I am sometimes overcome with the sheer amount of the really really deep caring I have, it becomes painful to me, for that reason alone was it that I took to drinking Coke straight from the can along with the Oreos, and bottles of Rum to wash it all down.
Would someone please remind me again about who Roger Chapman is? I seem to have got the crib notes lost in the piles here on the desk.