Saturday, September 28, 2002

Bush says Saddam "tried to kill my dad"

Saying "this is the guy who tried to kill my dad," President George W. Bush embraced disarming and ousting Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein as a "uniquely American issue."

"Other countries of course, bear the same risk. But there's no doubt his hatred is mainly directed at us," Bush said at a political fundraiser on Friday. "After all, this is the guy who tried to kill my dad."

In a private briefing to CNNNNNN reporters the President disclosed that Saddam had also tried to steal the deeds to the Bush ranch, had rustled cattle, had badmouthed his sweetheart Miss Elly Mae, poisoned the waterholes and welched on a round of drinks at the "O.K. Saloon".

"He is a sidewinder, lower than a snake's belly and we're a gonna have ourselves a nukular lynchin' before sundown", the President said. "Nobody who doesn't like the freedom of our free American society democratically based on the bedrock cornerstone foundations of liberty and the right to express our beliefs in a concise and clear manner flies in the face of all those things we hold dear to our hearts and minds, one of which are not to mess with the institution of the family, which in this case means not taking pot shots at my Dad, the former President formerly still known as my father. I don't think I cannot state the case more clearlier than that."

And in other related news.
  • "Oedipus declares a fatwa on himself."
  • "In a bid to match and better Saddam's tactics primates at the San Diego Zoo have been auditioned. The leader of the "Plant More Bushes" task force said "results are promising, all that remains now is to undertake an intensive program of dumbing down the successful candidates"."
  • Ann Telnaes... is simple brilliant.
    "Mr Major was a government whip and she was a backbencher."

    Tories and whips again!

    ... BUT could this be another bit of rumpy pumpy that John hasn't told us about?

    However this Johnny is really a pathetically boring Tory who has let the side down badly.

    Where were the rent boys, plastic bags and fishnet stockings?
    ... the stock and rough trade of the dyed in the woolly thinking Tory.

    I note that Hell hath no fury like a Tory wife upstaged.
    "I am a little surprised, not at Mrs Currie's indiscretion but at a temporary lapse in John Major's taste."
    Lady Archer

    This morning ex-Tory primeminster John Major and Sex-Goddess 'Egg'wina Curry (mistress of the whips, chains and manacles) admitted to having a four year affair whilst in office.

    "It's the most shameful thing I've ever done," said Major. You're not kidding, John! It's tantamount to bestiality!

    Other news and it's my thirty-nirghmm..hak...hak...cough...rmph birthday.



    You share a date with Olivia! Now that's ironic coincidence.
    On a more positive note, your birth date was
    drawn at the Department of Homeland Security's
    Friday night piss up and Bible reading class raffle.

    Your uniform, Ronald McDonald mask
    and ticket to Bhaghdhadh are in the post.

    Have a nice birthday! You want to get fried with that?
    (Conscription Sans Front Bottoms)

    (It's also Oliva Neutron Bomb's birthday...Australia's answer to Edwina.) Cheques, condolences and gratuities to the usual address please. In the meantime, here's this week's Scrag End:

    Friday, September 27, 2002

    Wow! Parts of my previous post are magically linking to other things! It's happening by itself. I wonder how? Let's see... if I type some random words, where will they magically link to?:

    Priest sex donkey.

    "Do you believe like I believe Do you believe in magic
    Do you believe like I believe Do you believe, believer
    Do you believe like I believe Do you believe in magic"
    The Lovin' Spoonful

    As Sedgers reminded me, it's been awhile since I've posted here. I was away for a week attending the Mudpie Golf Invitational. What a great event! Guy Gilchrist put on a spectacular day of golf and celebration, all for the purpose of raising money for the Scleroderma Foundation. There was an auction of original cartoon art autographed by the artists. A rep from King Features was there and got just about every syndicated cartoonist imaginable to donate a piece of their cartoon originals. Very cool. I met a lot of cartoonists and illustrators, people who actually make a good living doing it. I felt like a peasant hanging around with royalty!

    Speaking of golf, the TV in my office is on and the Ryder Cup is airing. Looks like all of our great American golfers have travelled to some country somewhere else to compete with the funny-speaking golfers there. As an American, I can't really be bothered to pay attention to just where this event is happening. It's one of those other 3 or 4 countries that exist in the world. It seems they wear bright red sweaters. Tiger will eat them all alive.

    Editor's note: To be honest I thought the Ryder Cup involved yachts or something.

    Oh, the calm Canadians. Though, the free pizza is a big temptation.

    Ever wondered where Tony Blair found his information for the notorious dossier?

    Well now you know.

    "Saddam (Hussein) took full advantage of the arrangement," Riegle said in an interview with The News late last week. "They seemed to give him anything he wanted. Even so, it's right out of a science fiction movie as to why we would send this kind of stuff to anybody."

    Hmm...let me wouldn't have anything to do with commercial enterprise as practised by a country whose fundamental doctrine is based on greed and ignorance, would it?

    The tumbrel will be arriving shortly.
    Have a nice day,
    (Surveillance Sans Frontieres)

    Thursday, September 26, 2002

    Gratuitous Feral Eye cartoon
    ... and another bon mot or two from the Glorious Leader of the Free World.

    "And we -- in the talk, I'm going to talk about -- there's been current -- modern-day sacrifices. We still fight people who hate civilization. It was -- or at least, civilization that we love, they can't stand freedom."
    -- GWB in press conference with French President Jacques Chirac, Paris, France, May 26, 2002

    Rules of Conduct for when Visiting the Supermarket!

    1) Fat, ignorant people who insist on pushing in front of me as though their knickers are on fire: If you must indulge in this ill-mannered practice at least do so with a purpose. There is little point in elbowing me in the ribs if, once you've managed to force your way past, you then stand comatose in the middle of the isle waiting for Christ alone knows what.

    2) Women at the checkout: Try to behave more like men. Have your money ready for when the bill is totalled. Waiting until the checkout girl announces the bill and then looking surprised that you've got to pay for your goods causes congestion and gets on everyone's nerves.

    3) Women with children: Do your shopping in the morning instead of spending all day gossiping with your friends and watching daytime television. Combining the daily shop with bringing the kids home from school generally results in unruly children running riot around the supermarket, parents screaming violently and everyone else getting very irate.

    4) People with chequebooks: Use money instead. It's much simpler and it doesn't take three quarters of an hour to scan, cross-reference, write out, phone the bank for confirmation and stand around waiting for the manager to 'Okay' your card. If you must use a cheque, try writing it out while the goods are being scanned. That way the rest of us don't have to put up with you struggling to fill the bloody thing in when we could be heading home instead.

    5) Women with coupons: Throw them in the bin. It takes forty minutes to save twenty pence on an item that you wouldn't otherwise have purchased. If jobs were paid at that rate you'd be taking your employer to court.

    6) Fat women with stupid husbands who like to hover indecisively in front of other customers and make a lot noise: Please don't shop in the Iceland store in Fleetwood. Especially when there's a curly-haired bloke in his late thirties wearing a trench coat shopping at the same time. The chances are you will end up with large bruises on your fat white shins due to a carefully aimed trolley.

    7) Women with children: Do not get each child to carry a basket full of crap and then to line up in single file at the "Twelve Items or Less" checkout. I'm not completely stupid and I will not let the smallest child squeeze past me no matter how much he cries.

    Uncle Brian: Offering free advice to the British public because you know it makes sense!

    Be a patriot ... support "Regime change sans frontieres".

    "We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile." GWB on a good day.

    "Not only will we win the war on terror to secure the peace in the world, we will show the world that a diverse nation from all walks of life and all religions can be compassionate and kind and hopeful for everyone who's lucky enough to be an American citizen." GWB on a really good day.

    Wednesday, September 25, 2002

    This card

    from greenfairy's collection of
    3 million Garbage Pail Kids cards,
    has now been updated

    Other cards in her collection include these rare items

    Disclaimer:- No Garbage Pail Kids were harmed in the making of this post.
    We here at Rant of the Week, like Catholic priests worldwide, always think of the children.

    Satire is dead.

    "On Monday 23rd September, the Metropolitan Police (acting with the support of The Internet Watch Foundation) contacted my web host, Webfusion (aka Host Europe), and requested that be 'removed from the public domain'." SOURCE.

    This post has been reproduced from Google's cache just to show what a fine job the keepers of our moral welfare are doing. Dammit I am a very busy person and really don't have time to think for myself. Outsourcing this task to the Metropolitan Police and The Internet Watch Foundation is the best thing I ever did. After saving this page I intend to prove to these fine people just what a good citizen I am by taking down all books from my shelves and burning them.

    Start Your Own Mob

    If you think you may have identified a child killer, paedophile or liberal do-gooder living in your area, your first course of action should be to notify your local vigilante group who will arrange a mob to deal with the perceived threat. If there are no vigilante groups near you, you will need to organise your own independent mob. It's easy to do and you'll make lots of new, hysterical friends.

    What you will need:

    • People
      Obviously the first thing any successful mob needs is participants. If a child has been murdered in your area and found buried in a shallow grave, you shouldn't have too much trouble finding people with plenty unfocussed pent-up anger. In the case of suspected paedophiles or liberals, you may need to raise awareness by daubing threats on their walls or setting fire to their neighbours' cars.

    • Placards
      Once you've gathered a sizeable mob, you'll need to equip them with placards or banners. Placards - which are easily fashioned by fixing a large piece of card to a stick - should contain snappy slogans which are easy to chant. Good slogans include: 'die scum!', 'peedos out!', 'hang child killers!' and 'kiddie fiddler shitbag!'. Bad slogans include: 'You're the product of a complex series of social and psychological factors!' and 'I haven't really thought this through!'.

    • Missiles
      During a mob gathering, anything which can be thrown should be thrown. Eggs, bricks, rocks and bottles make excellent missiles but use your imagination - it's your mob!

    • Fire Starting
      Studies have shown that a paedophile is 90% less likely to return to his home if it has been razed to the ground so don't forget that paraffin! However, if you are planning to include an element of arson in your mob event, be sure to keep matches away from children.

    • Police Lines
      When protesting outside courts or police stations, you are likely to encounter a line of police officers trying to keep you away from the accused. Remember, they are there as much for your benefit as for the evil child murdering scum. There is nothing worse than breaking through a cordon only to realise that there is nothing you can actually do to stop a speeding police van. If in doubt: throw bricks.

    • And Finally
      Remember, when organised responsibly, mob violence can be very rewarding and great fun but please choose your targets carefully. For example: there is no evidence to suggest that paediatric nurses pose any threat to children.

    "I'll leave you to ponder the irony of a site parodying mob culture being removed on the basis of complaints from a tiny group of very stupid - but very loud - members of the public." SOURCE.

    MORE FINE WORK by the arbiters of good taste.

    American Advertisers! When trying to sell products to a British television audience please remember the following guidelines:

    1) We are not impressed by Jenifer Aniston talking boll*cks in a condescending, irritating voice.

    2) There are only so many times that the 'orgasm joke' from "When Harry Met Sally" can be reused for your lousy products. (In fact just don't ever use it was rubbish the first time.)

    3) Please remember that Britain is a cynical nation (whether Tony spin Blair likes it or not). If you're going to use a sick joke to catch our attention don't go and spoil it by having the puppy/kitten/baby/whatever appear at the end in a splint to prove that it didn't die. We're not as idiotic, apparently, as American audiences and know the difference between an advert and reality.

    4) On reflection, don't try to be funny at's just embarassing and doesn't do credit to your fellow countrymen.

    5) Please do not show Ronald McDonald on our screens ever again. The man is a tool, a menace to children and is obviously some sort of twisted pervert. Despite his make-up and baggy trousers his burgers are still made from bull's testicals and taste like bits of damp cardboard saturated in cat's p*ss.

    6) We are not impressed by free videos about Jesus. We all read the book when we were kids and found it boring, unrealistic and lacking in literary aestheticism. We will not be conned into joining the Mormons and their stupid quest, but we might, however, take the video anyway and use it to record Emmanuelle Meets the Wife Swappers onto.

    7) Don't dub your adverts with British accents. We can tell the difference because normally British housewives don't wear designer dresses to polish the floors in.

    8) Please stuff your American Express cards up your bottoms. This is not advice but a request, in the hopes that your fellow advertisers will receive credit where credit is due.

    In these troubled times I think we should pause every now and then to smell the roses, to seek out the beautiful and the uplifting in the world. With this in mind, let me share this with you. (Enjoy, greenfairy.)

    Tuesday, September 24, 2002

    Following a passionate debate this afternoon about Serge Leone's masterpiece of sex, gun law and greed, "The Good, The Bad and the Ugly" (otherwise known as Tony spin Blair, Baddam Hussein and George Right-ugly-Bush) the commons was asked to pass a motion. It had been left in the foyer by John Prescott following a particularly difficult Cornish pasty. (Boom boom!) was topical last week when a shipment of nuclear waste was hauled back from Japan and anchored off Barrow (which, unfortunately, I can see just across the bay from the end of my road) in lieu of returning to Sellerfield. I just forgot to post it, that's all.

    Rant of the Week...operating in full compliance with National British Libraries Internet Regulations.

    Following a complaint today by Miss Carol Porter (l*sbian, winner of the 2001 Dwarf Throwing Contest and recently re-instated Blackpool Librarian) that she couldn't access this board through her usual channels (exactly what this board has to do with stacking books I've no idea, but mine is not to reason why) I shall have to censor, to the best of my abilities, any further rants. Apparently the 'Child Safety' program on the library hard-drive prohibits access to 'unfriendly material'. Naturally the mention of Ann W*ddecombe has overstepped these boundaries.

    It had been my intention today to argue against the Countryside Alliance and their condescending views that fox-hunting is no worse than eating meat. I had intended to point out that when I buy a steak and onion pie I do not rip one end off and smear the gravy across my face, revelling in the slaughter of innocents purely for the sheer enjoyment of killing. I'd also wanted to say that murdering for fun is symptomatic of developing serial killers and, following the logic of George W. Bush, such obvious threats to the security of peace-loving people should be propped up and shot with the very latest in allied weapons.

    Unfortunately, due to the fact that I would have proliferated my diatribe with expletives (that is...words that offend and/or refute Christian opinion) Carol would not have been able to spend her dinner-hour leaving insults at the bottom of this page. (Oddly enough, photographs of child abuse, donkey sex and mangled bodies would not have affected the 'censorship program'...but I guess that most hardcore Christians indulge themselves in such exotic behaviours anyway.)

    Therefore, the only thing I can actually say with regards to the Countryside Alliance and/or the creators of the child-safe library internet system is, "Tally-Ho you funking cucks!"

    Carol...I hope you're happy now. Birthday Saturday! Bring a bottle and a bird, but leave the midget at home.

    Postscript re The Internet Watch Foundation and


    Prim Minister Maggie Blair presented a 55-page dossier to the House of Commons today.

    The document, called "THE BLAIR DEMON PROJECT - Iraq's Weapons of Mass Destruction - the Assessment of the Branch Office of the U.S. Congress, the institution formerly known as the British Government" was described by the very Prim Minister as "unprecedented, and if I hadn't made it up myself, I wouldn't have believed it", also claims Iraq has "tried covertly to acquire technology and materials which could be used in the production of nuclear weapons."

    "This proves the instability and ineptitude of Saddam Hussein, a man with no grasp on history. Every Tom, Dick and Osama knows that in the past such technology and materials have been freely and openly available from either the British or U.S. governments. All it required was a well heeled nod and wink and a signature on the Lapdog Treaty."

    In tabling the document Mr Blair acknowledged that "gathering intelligence inside Iraq is not easy. Most of the tourist brochures are hopelessly out of date. Many of our normally reliable sources were often too frightened to speak. Hikmat the taxi driver failed to turn up for his regular morning coffee and Tim Tams debriefing. Madame Benaffi, Baghdad's most famous soothsayer has had her supply of chicken entrails confiscated. Our top surveillance operative Ahmed Fitz-Azzawi has mislaid his polaroid."

    "Notwithstanding these difficulties the dossier clearly details that Saddam Hussein is stockpiling, at an unprecedented rate, materials for the production of weapons of mass destruction. Truckloads of freshly mined excrement, brown paper bags and matches are daily making their way to secret destinations. Intelligence reports confirm that Hussein has made overtures to several African governments that we don't own in an attempt to procure quantities of high grade eye of newt, toe of frog, wool of bat, tongue of dog, adder's fork, blind-worm's sting, lizard's leg and howlet's wing"

    The dossier, warns that Saddam does not regard these weapons of mass destruction as merely a practical joke of last resort.

    The Prim Minister said that he and other ministers are satisfied with the authority of the information in the dossier which reflects the ineffable regurgitative skills of the special parliamentary inquiry headed by Sir Oliver Northumberland.

    Mr Blair informed the House that most damning evidence of the report is contained in this paragraph. "Direct proof of Iraq's support of Al Qaeda was neither sought nor deemed necessary. We take the truth of that to be self evident. Al was seen dining out with Saddam Hussein at McFelafels on at least 3 occasions and Saddam was footing the bill."

    Mr. Blair concluded by handing out a veiled warning to waverers within the Labor Party. "Having presented this litany of incontrovertable evidence I expect all members of the Government to be four square and ten behind me. The facts are clear, the way is set, the path is plain, the stoning to death of Ms. Short is a lesson to you all. Have a nice day."

    Monday, September 23, 2002

    This afternoon, Tony Blair called a meeting at 10 Downing Street to present his cabinet with his long-awaited dossier of evidence against Saddam and argue the case for military action against Iraq. After two hours of intensive negotiations the members of the cabinet left Downing Street with a united front, even dissenters such as Claire Short apparently siding with Blair's future plans. Tomorrow the dossier will be taken to Parliament and presented across the board. Although the actual minutes of the meeting at Downing Street are now withheld under the Official Secrets Act, we can reveal part of the conversation secretly recorded during the session.

    "Tony, before we begin, I'd just like to say, as I have said publicly before, that you cannot continue killing innocent people in Iraq. We all agree that something has to be done about Saddam but I must voice my opinion, that being that other ideas must be tested first!"

    "But Claire, you haven't seen what's in my dossier yet."

    "I don't think there's any need for that. We all know what's been going on whilst the weapons inspectors have been out of the country. I also realise that if we can't reach agreement this afternoon it might cause a split in the Labour party, but..."

    Sounds of briefcase opening

    "Oh my God! Is that a photograph of me and Widders? You can see my toenails!"

    "It might not exactly be page three material but I'm sure the Sun would love to publish these."

    Sounds of paper being shuffled across the desk.

    "What's this, Tony?"

    "It's in Braille, David."

    "Jesus H! Is that me and Nigger? You can see his claws and everything! This is disgusting!"

    " everyone agreed then? All united behind President Bush?"

    General murmur of consent.

    "Good. Now we've got just under two hours to think up some ideas to replace the documents in this dossier for the Commons tomorrow. And you'd better make them good or else I'll show you the Prescott/Straw/Portillo menage a trois photoshoot again!"

    Claire Short...phwoar! What a stunner!

    David Blunkett: I can't see what all the fuss is about.

    Received in an e-mail about five minutes ago:

    Don't be a victim. Protect yourself and protect your family with a powerful but non-lethal Stun Gun! This legal protection device has high stopping power at an incredibly affordable price!

    Let me explain something to anyone thinking of signing up to one of these "Send your adverts out to thousands of internet users for only $10.99" packages. I noticed that everyone mentioned in the 'addresses' list at the top of the e-mail was a member of BTInternet. I've no idea who supplies the Spammer with these addresses but...B.T. stands for British Telecom. That means that everyone subscribing to BTInternet is British. Which also means that stun guns, regardless of your claims to the contrary, are NOT legal, that buying a star spangled banner would not appeal to our patriotic nature, that we won't save $$$$ by applying for your stupid f**king mortages, that we won't likewise save $$$$ by buying your poxy health insurance (we have a free health service anyway you bellends), that we will not fight to keep the death penalty (America's the only country left in the so called 'free world' now that still has this outdated method of deterant (sic)) and we don't give a flying f**k about your Get Rich Quick Investment schemes! My advice for anyone with something to sell, don't sign up for these Spam packages. It only annoys people, especially us Brits who are already sick and tired of America's crass and vile commercialisation commercialization of absolutely everything.

    What gives with the BBC? There are two programmes that I make a point of watching every week. (Just the two...hardly worth the £120.00 annual license fee but that's the aristocracy for you! Theiving inbred b*stards!)

    One's Robot Wars and the other is the double episode on a Sunday Evening of The League of Gentlemen.

    Firstly...Robot Wars! So far this series, over the last thirteen weeks we've had six epidsodes. Every second week at least Robot Wars has been replaced by some sh*te load of old w*nk of a sports programme that, as a nation, we're completely cr*p at. Cricket highlights! Football! Golf! Athletics! Syncronised Swimming! We're useless at them! The only sport we ever win at is Robot Wars! So why do the t*ssers at the BBC consider Athletics more important?

    Secondly...last night I sat down to watch the League of Gentlemen...the last two episodes in the series...only to discover they'd been inexplicably taken off and replaced by some pointless episode of Have I Got News For You from two years ago and the fifteen-hundreth repeat showing of a Harry Enfield mid-series half hour show.

    Why in God's name!?

    I suspect it had something to do with the fact that the police found Amanda Dowler's body yesterday...or the day before or something. And the BBC considered it inappropriate to show a comedy programme featuring two serial killers so close to the discovery.

    But again I ask, WHY? There are people murdered every f**king day and it doesn't stop them showing the bucket loads of banal American sh*te that feature murder upon murder.

    And I somehow doubt that any of Amanda Dowlers relatives, after the sort of day they'd just had, would be watching The League of Gentlemen at 11 o'clock last night anyway.

    The BBC are w*nkers! Every time somebody dies or gets murdered these days they hang around the crime scene like f*cking vultures until the place is full of inappropriate flowers and Mickey Mouse balloons (not unlike the Lady Spencer farce of several years back). Then they condescendingly tell the brain-dead British public to stop harassing the victim's relatives in this way.

    Please don't get me wrong...I'm not belittling the Amanda Dowler murder here. But the BBC are.

    Time to revoke the license I reckon.

    On second's long overdue.

    Time to return to one of the main missions of this blog ... exposing our American cousins to the concept of irony.

    "In a very real sense the people of that country are hostages to a small group of dictatorial, repressive government officials."

    I presume US Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld is speaking of Iraq.

    The U.S. Army Space and Missile Defense Command’s Weapons Directorate's
    own graphic proudly shows the World its cache of weapons of mass destruction.
    (sorry, weapons of mass defence!)

    From the site come these reassuring thoughts and boasts.

    "Army Lt. Gen. Edward G. Anderson III, deputy commander in chief of U.S. Space Command, said American ability to control space and cyberspace will determine whether U.S. combatant commanders will succeed."

    "Kill times are short, and there is a continuing, rather than momentary, kill opportunity."

    "Ground-based weapons capable of killing boost and post-boost reentry vehicles, cruise missiles, and other airborne tactical targets."

    "The interceptor hit the target more than 140 miles above the Earth during the midcourse phase of the warhead's flight. The closing speeds for the hit-to-kill intercept was "in excess of 15,000 miles per hour."

    Fancy if these were at the disposal of some tin pot leader who doesn't know the Pakistani President from his elbow.

    WE, on the other hand, as a civilised nation will use these instruments with care and sensitivity.

    Thanks guys, I feel SO much more secure!

    This photo is screaming out for a caption. Post captions in comments box.

    This however will just leave you screaming.

    Original source of this from here, according to this message .

    "Hey I mentioned that damn watch here first.
    God that makes me feel really sick about this country I live in."

    Credit where credit is due I say.

    Sunday, September 22, 2002

    Classic Rant of the Week!

    The following rant was originally posted on the old Blogger Board about nine or ten months ago. It has been reproduced here because 1) I recently found a load of rubbish that I'd forgotten about tucked away in a discreet corner of my hard drive and 2) it's Sunday morning and I haven't woken up enough yet to think of something original to write.

    Bush Baby.

    I see that Georgette Bush (the all-new simpler version with an I.Q. balance of nought) is rattling his sabre again. With the increasingly unlikely prospect of bagging Osama he's now turned his attentions back to Saddam. It seems that any head on a platter will do just so long as he hasn't wasted everyone's money (and numerous peasants' lives...which don't really count I know but I thought I'd throw them in) on his stupid war. In the process, all of our new-found coloured friends across the desert (we shall never refer to them as tea-towel heads again) are about to jump ship from the allied front, and the world, once more, will be thrown into un-united chaos. Will somebody please put the planet out of its misery and lock this smug little chimpanzee up in a zoo where he belongs? Preferably with a banana up his *rse so that he can't speak!

    What is it that I keep saying about History...?

    The Feral Interpolator notes this interesting/obvious point.