Will somebody please explain to the four tossers on the WKD advert that they're obviously suffering from repressed homosexuality? Touching each other up in the showers, wetting each other's pants in the pub loos, prancing round the flat together in frilly aprons and bugger all else. Lads...if you're gay just say that you're gay. It's not against the law these days and there's no point in pretending to have a girlfriend when your bumchums obviously mean so much more to you. Besides which that WKD stuff looks like a real puff's drink.

Anyhow...here's this week's Scrag End and Merry Buggerin' Christmas...

Emergency Deputy Editor:- Peggy Farcus. (Deputy Editor Sedgwick seems to have disappeared. One minute he was watching "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians", the next he was nowhere to be seen. I think we are talking serious alien abduction and festive season anal probing.)

I took a look at those WKD ads and I think the Editor is right on the balls. What a pack of frigging nancy boys! Haven't seen anything like that since the end of season shenanigans by the Kalgoorlie Krocs footy team. As bad as that poofy "Lord of the Rings" that was shown at the Kalgoorlie Majestic last week.

And yes young poncing lad ... your bum does look big in those poofy Calvin Kleins! Nice cleavage though.

I am watching this great movie as I type ... TRUE! Promise I'm not kidding.



Brilliant stuff ... and I've just seen a high tech Martian radio telescope made entirely from cardboard paper towel tubes.

Who says Christmas can't be fun? ... that is apart from the Red Cross. Only 4 more sleeps (and 12 more equally brilliant Xmas movies) to go.

Today the Red Cross organisation won a major victory for stupidity and religious intolerance by banning any signs of Christmas from its charity shops.
Earlier in the week I posted a pseudo-PC article about JC and Christmas on this site (go look it up) which took religious PC to the extreme – or so I thought. I was joking but now the Red Cross has done one better and made it policy!
This will offend Christians (I’m an agnostic) and has apparently earned the mockery of non-Christian religions. In fact it will offend or earn the derision of everyone who is not a non-Christian fundamentalist nutter. In other words – a miniscule minority!
If this isn’t a job for St Tony’s thought police then what is – THEY’VE BANNED CHRISTMAS AND ARE THEREFORE GUILTY OF PROMOTING RELIGIOUS INTOLERANCE SO WHERE ARE YOUR GOONS YOU NEW LABOURITE HYPOCRITE????
Next, we’ll be having some human rights lawyer saying that it’s racist to lock up so many Muslims for murderous hate crimes in one week. Expect Cherie on the case very soon!
Like it or not, Britain is now a multicultural society, at least in the cities and large towns. Racial tension is running high, especially with the massive influx of refugees of all colours and creeds. Banning Christmas in a supposedly Christian country that has more than it’s own fair share of white nutters and racists serves only to pour petrol on the flames.
I suggest, if you truly want to help the starving and impoverished of the world, that you give your money to organisations that get on with the job rather than offend the majority of donors in this country with its ridiculous PC politics!

A suggestion for the Red Cross - dump your emblem and replace it with the silhouette of a bloke that has a limp dick sticking out of his forehead because the symbol sums you up to a tee!!!

This day in history On December 20.

'Roughly 400 years ago, on December 20, 1606, three merchant ships, the "Susan Constant," "Godspeed" and "Discovery" set sail from London loaded with passengers and cargo on a voyage that would later set the course of American history.. Their landing at Jamestown, VA, was the start of the first permanent English settlement in America."

... and the beginning of the end of civilisation as we knew it. Thanks a lot England!

Defining Quote.

"America has an almost obscene infatuation with itself. Has there ever been a big, powerful country that is as patriotic as America? And patriotic in the tinniest way, with so much flag waving? You'd really think we were some poor little republic, and that if one person lost his religion for one hour, the whole thing would crumble. America is the real religion in this country." -- Norman Mailer

**ONLY 4 MORE SHLOCKING DAYS TILL XMAS**

Last minute pressies available at "The ROTW Online Shopping Mall".

Some Culinary Tips for the Festive Season!

1) Shoppers: When buying food in for Christmas try to remember that the holidays only last for two days. There's little point in stockpiling for a nuclear winter. (That's not due until January.) Leave some bread and stuff on the shelves for the rest of us, you greedy fat bastards.

2) Fatties: Avoid adding an extra couple of inches to your waistline this year. Move to Afghanistan.

3) Parents: Make sure you fill your kids up with fizzy pop and turkey sandwiches and selection boxes on Christmas Day. That way, by ten o'clock in the morning, they should be vomiting nicely all over their new toys and clogging their Playstation's innards with sick.

4) Manufacturers: Don't put expensive gift items in your crackers. When relatives that you haven't seen all year turn up for dinner there's never anything to talk about. Those pointless bits of melted plastic, laughingly known as novelties, are a superb icebreaker. Especially when one of them flies out and lands in Uncle Gordon's pudding, causing him to choke.

5) Whilst we're on the subject...Cracker manufacturers: Please continue to employ cartooning genius Steve Gill-Elan to write the jokes for you. They're so clever and original and have become as much a part of Christmas Day as Stanley Baxter and/or the Krankies.

6) Turkeys: If you notice an open gate around this time of year, use what tiny brains you have and run for it. If you manage to reach Nuneaton, chances are the Daily Mirror will rescue you and keep you alive for at least the next six months. Your family will end up on their dinner plates mind, following the annual turkey holocaust, but at least you'll be well fed.

7) The Iceland store in Fleetwood: Please put back the crisp-stand. Not all of us want (or, due to gallbladder restrictions, can actually digest) thousands of fucking mince pies, Yuletide logs and bowls of nuts.

8) Mothers: Support feminism this Christmas and don't make dinner. There's no point in complaining about it if you're going to let the male members of your household walk all over you. It's your choice...nervous breakdown by Boxing Day or divorce by New Year! Take the sensible way out and dump the ignorant bastards!

Uncle Brian...removing the brown sprouts from the festive season on your behalf!

This column has been sponsored by ANUSOL: the preferred haemorrhoid ointment.

Glad tidings we bring, to you and your ring,

We wish you a Merry Christmas and a bum-grape free year!

Geoffrey Robinson, one of Phoney Tony's top cronies and friend of drowned serial embezzler Robert Maxwell, has been arrested and charged with failing to provide a specimen after being caught driving in an erratic manner. Further charges are pending the analysis of a suspicious substance found in Robinson's car. What a refreshing change from the embarrassment of Cheriegate.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!

The sight of yet another senior London social worker weaselling out of the responsibility of the death of an abused child on national TV was both sickening and pathetic. The abusers, the child’s parents, have received prison sentences but not one single social worker has been disciplined for a woeful failure of duty.
Ainlee Walker died of negligence by her case workers following hard upon the horrors inflicted upon her by her loving parents. She died because social workers feared her violent parents and were too scared to knock on the door. It is hard to decide who is the most culpable; the mentally deficient parents or the criminally inadequate authorities.
The question I asked myself was why, if they genuinely feared they would be harmed, did these so called professional carers not engage the help of the police to gain access to the child? The answer, I suspect, is because going in with a copper in tow doesn’t give the “right message” to the community they purport to help. If this is the case then the actual message they are giving out is that political correctness and self preservation is more important than protecting a child that is critically at risk.
In the aftermath of the case we have the press baying for blood, or at least a change in legislation that would stop another child dying so needlessly. The usual get out by the authoroties has been wheeled out – not enough staff to cover the unpopular job of dealing with difficult and potentially violent people. The fallout is covering a wide swathe of the London authorities responsible for the Plaistow area of London but no one has been blamed for this appalling travesty and probably won’t be. There is much talk about revising the “rules” and even the appointment of an independent Commissioner for Children. The sad truth is that the great and the good will talk and recriminate until the furore calms down and then do what they always do – fuck all.

Oh, I love Christmas w'at with all the queer lights an' the festerin' cheer an' the cherry randy an' w'at not. An' I always like t' do my bit. Every Christmas Eve I phone those nice women up down at the Samaritans. Fancy 'avin' t' work on Christmas Eve an' miss Wallace an' Gromit? Me givin' 'em a call stops 'em gettin' lonely an' disentangled even if they don't appreciate it none an' keep tellin' me to 'ang up 'cos there are potential kamikaze victims tryin' t' get through.

Course, Christmas isn't f'r everyone. Not all of us are imbibed with 'oly spirit. Look at that darkie down at the 'ealth centre. I doubt 'ee even knows 'oo the baby Jesus is let alone ever bought any of 'is artefacts from the Catholic shop. I tried to explain to 'im about 'ow the baby Jesus slithers down the chimney with 'is sack o' perfume an' a bag full o' loofahs, but 'ee just laughed at me with 'is big white teeth an' said something in Wog w'at I couldn't quite grasp. Where 'ee comes from they spend all Christmas dancin' round a big black pot in leopard skin groin cloths, boilin' missionaries an' stickin' wax eulogies with pins an' chantin' sushi spells. Ignorant nig nogs. Still, you've got t' laugh at 'em, an' at least there's always somewhere open on Christmas Day to 'ave me bunions scraped.

It's gettin' difficult these days, o' course, t' make it t' midnight communication. Time was when My 'Enry (God rest his nose) used t' take me down there on the back of 'is big, fat Bourneville. Don't know about the roar of Moses' triumph bein' 'eard all round the desert. Y' could 'ear My 'Enry's all the way to Cumbria on a clear night. It was 'ard riding side-saddle an' all that mind, especially wi' me feet in one o' those great big slipper things where both of 'em fit into the same 'ole...oh, aren't they funny them...w'at will they think of next, eh? I remember one year our Brian bought me one o' those influxable 'emmorhoid rings. It was no bloody use ('scuse my Pig Ignorance). The 'ole was too big an' it kept slidin' off. These days I use it t' stand the teapot on when the vicar calls. I 'ope 'ee calls this year. I ain't got no-one left outside those miserable buggers ('scuse my Bolshevik) w'at call 'emselves my family now. Oh yeah...sure...they'll be round at five o'clock as instructed on Christmas mornin', fussing about an' tryin' t' make me comfortable. But they're only after me in'eritance, the theivin', ungrateful bastards! They can't fool me! I'm an 'undred and twelvety-nine, y' know, an' I ain't lost me baubles yet!

THE MOMENT YOU HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR ...

"THE RANT OF THE WEEK'S MAN OF THE YEAR 2002."

AND THE WINER IS ...

SETEV GILL-ELAN.

In naming Setev Gill-Elan our "Man of the Year", The Rant of the Week honours a fine artist, a man among men, a legend in his own laugh time and an all round great guy. A fun guy who often gets down and dirty but always comes up smelling of roses.

More on the Rant of the Week's Man of the Year as published in the Kalgoorlie Kronicle today.

(Thanks for the scoop chaps! Circulation soaring ... sold 18 today! Shall be away for a few weeks, off for a Fucking holiday to see how the hip replacement stands up. Not quite sure what to make of this Xmas present I received from Great Grandma Hughes. Actually I'm not frigging sure what to make of Great Grandma Hughes, period.)



MORE XMAS MUSICAL JOY.

I don't know, whether this is true or not... but this is a note to the biology lessons.

Aaaaah, the generous dahlings didn't have to do that. BUT how come I didn't crack it for 1st prize?! What's more I already have Beary Peach Crutchless Knickers, Miss Cotton Candy Big Knockers and Big Beary Tasty Vanilla Goolies.



Congratulations Terry!
Your Prize is 3 Angel Bear Ornaments!
Dear Terry,

You're being awarded Second Prize from yourfreepresent.com!

Your prize is 3 adorable teddy bears dressed like darling angels. They're just waiting for you to click here now, so they can dress up your holiday tree!

Each one has her own special angel dress - Beary Peach... Beary Vanilla... and Miss Cotton Candy! What a sweet way to celebrate the holidays!

You can claim your prize any time on Dec 18 to Dec 20. Simply click here to claim your prize!

Happy Holidays,
Kate

P.S. Terry, reply by Dec 19 and you can claim an additional ornament for $0 retail. Click here now to view the entire holiday store!

Support the Anti-War campaign by displaying this banner on your site? No fuckin' chance, mate! Not that I've got my own site to display one on anyhow. Can't figure out all that html stuff to be honest. Obviously computer language was created by a man 'cos you can't understand any of it and it never fucking works. But even if I did have my own site I wouldn't put one of those stupid shitting banners on it. If men want to go round killing themselves without any bloody logic that's fine by me. The stupid bastards! You know, if women were in charge of the world there wouldn't be any of this war crap in the first place. Oh yeah...sure...I know Maggie Thatcher went to war with Argentina and all that, but that was different. Those Argie bastards were all macho-type, moustachioed blokes and we women had to teach them a lesson they'd never forget. Bloody male tossers, always leaving the bog seat up and talking out of their arses and fiddling with kiddies and THE EDITORIAL STAFF WOULD LIKE TO INTERUPT THIS POSTING BECAUSE...WELL, FRANKLY, WE'RE SICK OF IT.

Having reviewed some of the recent 'referrers' to this Blogger board from various search engines ("Find me photos of Nig Nog's Tits"? "Carol Caplin Naked"? Who the hell is Carol Caplin anyway?) I have decided to add a few gratuitous lines in order to pull in some extra punters.

Therefore I'm happy to announce that the latest batch of skinny lolita sheep photographs on this site are highly illegal and banned in the USA and make our previous horse-sex, frog-bondage, holocaust-porn pictures of an autopsy in Ohio with Jesus whipping a nun's naked buttocks in the snow seem tame by comparison. If your bellend doesn't burst with the excitement of seeing Britney Spears squealing like a pig beneath the furious pounding of McCauly Kulkin's young manhood accompanied by an automatic Ronco-black-mamber-ribbed set at full tilt, then I don't know what will. Carol Vorderman naked with Connie Huq from Blue Peter? What a fantastic photograph! I can't believe you posted it here along with the stills from Irene Handle's illicit underground anal penetration film. Princess Diana from Cheers romping naked with Haley Mills.jpg. Illegal Thumbnail Gallery. TPG. BBF MILF MPG. Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck double dealing Goofy's wife. (15 pictures). Bizarre medical insertions. Carrot love. Dame Edna Everage photos showing post op scars. Transvestites nude in public with small gazelle. 100 free photos. Hard core manga erotica featuring snowmen with large cocks. Felatio-loving, wee wee drinking schoolgirls in illicit sugary bonk fest with Simon Groom, John Lesley and several twinks.

YOU MUST BE AT LEAST EIGHTEEN TO ENTER!

I'm not eighteen and I'm frightened. I am at least eighteen but my IQ isn't.

Just noticed (greenfairy, will you ever forgive me for this?!) ... it's Tchaikovsky day ... 18/12/02-er day.

(Hanging, drawing and quartering at Tyburn 2 p.m. sharp. Ladies, a plate.)

2002 ... A FRIGGING RIPPER YEAR.

In the 87 years that God has allowed me a spot in this great brown vegemite of a country, I don't think He has served me up a better one than 2002.

John Howard was returned to government with a majority that Saddam could only dream about manufacturing. He didn't even need the votes of those refugees banged up at Woomera. The photos of them throwing their kiddies overboard was the only help he needed from them. Some say it never happened. Pshaw, that's what they said about Uri Geller's bent cutlery.

Peter Foster, a great Australian patriot and purveyor of "Foster's Technicolor Snake Oil Weight Reduction Teabags", made the woman who lives with that rabidly communistic British Labour Prime Minister look like a right nincompoop.

George Bush has kept the entire Free World safe from terrorists. The capture of that frigging Bin Laden dickhead capped off a great year for the greatest American president since the magnificent gum chewin', walkin', talkin' Gerald Ford.

"Neighbours" goes from strength to strength. That Kylie must be ruing the day that she shuffled off Charlene's mortal coil. Television that shows Australia at the cutting edge of mass entertainment. Soaporific!

The Kalgoorlie Kronicle broke circulation records. Hightide mark, November 11 2002, 15 copies. Frigging brilliant considering only 8 people out of the entire population of Kalgoorlie are literate. I have to modestly concede that my encore appearance on page 3 was in no small measure responsible for the record breaking figures.

The official toll of murdered British backpackers was yet another record. However I fear that the great Aussie patriots responsible for this wonderful result are going to have to look to their laurels as the figure for German tourists consumed or hideously disfigured by crocodiles is steadily creeping up. (Don't mention the waterhole.)

Capping off a brilliant year was the news of that longhaired lout Byron Hughes' great grandmother's nomination for the Nobel Prize for Homespun Philosophy. Far be it for me to give a leg over up for old pommy biddies, but if she doesn't win then there's something rotten in the State of Denmark, or which ever of those totally pointless Scandinavy countries where that Nobel bloke invented blowing up stuff.

Well, now I'm off down to the local to sink a few cans, chew the fat with a few of Kalgoorlie's finest and wistfully wonder if it gets any better than this.

(P.S. The only downside to the year was the Xmas present sent to me this week by my wombat molesting 97th cousin ... not yet removed, sad to say ... Terry Sedgwick. Let me give you a tip. If any malicious bastard gives a copy of some book called "Patternoster Row", as much as it is tempting and appropriate, DON'T use it for dunny paper! You end up with paper cuts all over your frigging arse and the print comes off so's as I've currently got chapters 3 to 15 spread across my bum.)

Remember folks...join the anti-war campaign. Find out how at the bottom of this page!

In response to Organ the Morgan's posting earlier today: Mr Organ, you are correct in saying that some animals actually eat their own offspring even when they aren't hungry. Hamsters for example. However, they don't commit these acts for sport...hamsters have little knowledge of the rules of cricket or ice hockey on the whole. The truth is that the hamster's mind is very tiny and slightly illogical and it will only ever eat its young when it feels they are threatened in some way.

You are correct, however, when you compare them to human beings...particularly Americans...who feel the need to kill innocent children when threatened by men with big bushy moustaches.

It seems that we both agree on the fact that the average pro-war campaigner has the same sized brain as the average hamster.

The Review of the Week YEAR!

This year America bombed several third-world countries in the Middle East in the name of justice and equality. These countries all had connections with oil. Various others with equally dire human-rights records went 'unpunished'.

Britain and Australia continued to assist America in its war efforts by jamming their political tongues firmly up America's fat arsehole (namely its president). Numerous casualties resulted due to weapons malfunctions and crap piloting on behalf of the American airforce. None of the casulties were American.

There were several scandals involving financial dealings, back-handers and sado-masochistic sex in the British cabinet. After initially 'standing by' those accused, the Prime Minister then sacked them.

Several religious leaders attempted to cover up the paedophile activities of some of their staff. Following initial denials the guilty bishops were struck off with only a £10,000,000.00 pension to sustain them through their frail dotage.

More public institutions were privatised this year whilst previously privatised companies were accused of delivering shoddy goods and third rate services. The general rate of decline in the 'privatised sector' continues unchallenged by government officials.

There were several train crashes. Nobody took responsibility.

Michael Barrymore continued to hit the headlines and continued to get away with murder.

Some celestial event (such as a meteor shower or a comet or something) turned out to be a complete waste of time after months of speculation failed to take the lousy British weather into account.

Several celebrities died this year. The press described at least one of them as the 'Last of the Great British Actors'.

Everyone-else aged by twelve months.

This 'Yearly Review' is of a standard, generic format. It can be used as often as you like to cover the events of any year -- past, future or present -- spanning a diameter of forty years from the present date. In the event of this 'review of the year' being faulty please blame a fuck up in none-progressional scheduling.

SEASONAL MESSAGE FROM THE VENERALBE SAGE OF UNYAN

Not all Americans are bigotted, war mongering tossers - just the ones who are too stupid to see they are being conned by a moron.

(So that's most of them then. Ed.)

JESUS TO BE BANNED FROM TAKING PART IN CHRISTMAS SHOCK!

Following close on the heels of Edinburgh council banning parents from taking photographs and video footage of their children in school nativity plays in fear that images may fall into the hands of paedophiles, New Labour’s policy makers have taken an even more hard line view.
Said a government spokessamesexrelationshipperson, “We feel that Christmas is not an appropriate festival for children to participate in. We’ve closely examined the lifestyle of this man, Jesus Christ, who was alleged to have said “Suffer the little children to come unto me.” and found there can only be one possible interpretation of his words and having children act out a part of this person’s life only serves to attract the unsavoury attentions of paedophiles. It certainly explains why there are so many child molesters within religious organisations.”
When asked by a reporter from the Daily Mail to comment upon two documented accounts of Mr. Christ cavorting in rivers with grown men, once when he was a child, the spokesthingy replied, “People are entitled to live an alternative lifestyle, something that we would like to see actively promoted in schools and children’s organisations. However, paedophilia must be stamped out wherever it is found which is why Christ will no longer be associated with Diwali while Yuletide’s Mr. Claus has finally been charged with soliciting the favours of children in exchange for presents. The really disgusting thing is that parents have been indulging these two perverts for generations.”
The Right Reverend Keith Sutton, Bishop of Lichfield, later commented, “It’s about time that Jesus chap got his comeuppance, he was nothing more than a scrounging asylum seeker.”

THE VIEW FROM AMERICA

Tonight's topic - "The Rebuttal"

Mr. Hughes - once again you are misinformed. While animals do kill for food, they have also been known to kill for the pure sport of it. It's presumed that foxes are hated by farmers because they kill sheep and chickens for their meals. Truth be told, foxes don't just kill enough to fill their stomachs. They kill for fun. They'll kill seven or eight chickens or four or five lambs just for the thrill of being a predator. The same can be said of Ted Bundy and George Patton. Many animals also eat their young -- even when they aren't necessarily hungry. Bears are known to kill other bears when fighting over a carcass. Throughout history human beings have also been known to fight over scarce resources (e.g. oil and a funny "Strange Breed" cartoon). Fish often eat their young, as do lions when they are impelled to do so by their genetic disposition -- presumably to rid their pride of bastard offspring. Given that Sadaam Hussein is a human being, well, let's just say we are also trying to rid our species of bastard offspring ... and contrary to the claims of Mr. Hughes, we don't necessarily have to eat him when the deed is done ... though we might.

In response to Organ Morgan's posting below:

Actually the only two animals that wage war on the planet are humans and ants.

In many ways the ant society is very similar to our own. They have a big fat bitch in control of it all who does absolutely sod all apart from shag and reproduce and tell everyone else what to do. There's a definite hierarchal structure to their society. They have armies and workers and even nurseries to raise their off-spring. They even have farms where they grow their own food. And, more to the point perhaps, they also have no brains what-so-ever, never ask questions about what they're expected to do, and build huge eyesores in the middle of the desert. (For a human comparison please see Las Vegas, Cairo and Sydney.)

Other animals hunt each other for food, as you correctly point out. But unless you intend to eat the Iraqi peasants once you've bombed the shit out of them, it's a bit of a misnomer to compare human behaviour with normal animal instincts.

The main difference between human and animal social structure, of course, is that animals rarely elect a creature of obvious sub-species to be their pack leader.

I am currently working on a seventy-foot high mechanical ant-eater to solve this world's problems once and for all.

Sorry Paul but I don't have time to engage in the polemics of pacificism. I've got to acquaint a few bloody Pommy business types with my AK47 of mass destruction. I've been standing at this tramstop for 7 hours and my trigger finger is a itchin' for work out.

"Victoria's privatised public transport system is in crisis after the biggest operator announced last night that it would abandon its train and tram services by next week.

The sudden walk-out by British company National Express will force the State Government to resume control of more than half of Melbourne's trams and trains and the V/Line country rail service." MORE.

THE VIEW FROM AMERICA

Today's Topic - "Animals"

Brian and Terry - hats off to you both for living an idealistic life -- or at least thinking idealistic thoughts. However, the fact is that war is a very natural occurrence. Let's not forget that we are all just animals. Not unlike tigers, bears, lions, etc ... animals that routinely hunt, kill and defend their territory with a bloody vengeance. Some would argue that we, as a species, are more advanced and shouldn't stoop to that level of debauchery. More advanced, yes, but this only means that we are able to devise better ways to kill each other. We don't have to maul people to death - we can kill with heat seeking missiles and unmanned drones. The fact is that we are always at war - even when no war has been declared. We are at war with each other. We can't help but behave like animals. Each and everyday thousands of men beat and rape thousands of women ... thousands of parents whip thousands of children ... thousands of men and women murder thousands of other men and women. Alcoholics and suicidal people are at war with themselves. Animals acting like animals. To protest war - or to take an adversative stance to an impending war - just ain't natural. In the good old days pacifists would have been deleted by something called natural selection. Not anymore. Too many laws. Please, if you don't want to act like a human being - cut off your nuts and schedule a lobotomy ... and leave the rest of us alone. We got some killing to do.

---

"Gold Coast society vividly remembers Peter Foster, a flashy dresser, party animal and playboy who once dated British Page 3 girl Samantha Fox.

Ms King, a celebrity photo journalist, recalled Foster hosting dinner at a swish restaurant on the Gold Coast several years ago. In an attempt to impress guests, he peeled off $500 for the waitress as a tip. After everyone had left, he approached the waitress to get the money back."

MORE about one of Australia's finest cons sons.

"Men worship war. They sentimentalise it, romanticise it, mythologise it, glorify it. Our most solemn ceremonies sanctify it. War gives us our heroes, our history and we remember only the atrocities committed against us. Not those committed by us.

Every generation promises itself that the last war will be just that. The last. Yet there's always another. More obscene and more destructive. And whether they're waged with machetes as in Rwanda or with cruise missiles as in Desert Storm, the blood is as red and the dead are as dead. And as history attests, the percentage of women and children who become casualties increases."

MORE from the estimable Adams.

Syrian president, Bashar Assad, after arriving in Britain yesterday, warned Tony Blair against war with Iraq.

"War with Saddam Hussein would create "fertile soil for terrorism" across the Middle East," he said...and he should know. According to reports Assad has a great many links to terrorism himself, has invaded his neighbouring country in the same fashion as Saddam, has a dreadful human rights record, torturing and killing his own people, and also sports a big bushy moustache.

He is currently in talks with Tony Blair (who desperately needs the use of Assad's concentration camps to launch British jet fighters into Iraq in January) and they are deciding which of the oil wells the Syrian president will inherit if he shuts his gob currently forging a workable peace plan.

Assad is due to meet the Queen tomorrow as the Royal Family are now running low on gifts for their butlers to sell.

Some helpful tips on how to survive the festive season.

1) Parents: Don't have any more children. The ones you've already got are expensive, ungrateful little bastards. Save your money and enjoy your freedom instead. Remember, no matter how much joy you might experience when your child casts aside the toy that you've spent six months saving up for and concentrates instead on the empty box, it doesn't beat a damned good bonk on Christmas Day.

2) Kids: If you're going to try carol singing outside my front door then at least join a group and learn a few songs instead of singing, "Good King Wen Cess last looked out on the dah dah dum dah..." If you're part of a trained choir I'll still ignore you, but at least you won't get a bucket of cold water over your heads.

3) Adults: Don't invite your relatives over for Christmas Day. They hate having to turn up and look enthusiastic when they'd much rather be at home watching James Bond. And you will have a heart attack due to the stress. It isn't worth it, trust me! Just be honest with them for a change. Or, alternatively, tell them you've got smallpox.

4) Kids: Father Christmas doesn't exist. He was invented by Coca-Cola as a method for tired parents to apply psychological pressure to unruly children by threatening to withhold your Christmas presents. It's a stark truth I know...but if you're mature enough to be reading this site, then you're mature enough to know better.

5) Adults: Baby Jesus doesn't exist. He was invented by politicians as a method for tired dictators to apply psychological pressure to unruly voters by threatening to withhold your eternal-life. It's a stark truth I know...but it you're mature enough to be able to read then you're mature enough to know better.

6) Vicars: Stop telling everyone that they've forgotten the true meaning of Christmas! Christmas, originally, was the pagan mid-winter festival in which fatted calves were slaughtered and their entrails hung from the trees for decorations. The church attempted to disguise the festival with its own bullshit but copious amounts of the original fertility symbols, such as holly wreaths, mistletoe, chocolate logs and such, survived. In the future Coca-Cola plan to hijack the current Christian version of this ancient mid-winter shag-fest for commercial purposes. Also, please try and be chronological with your nonsense. If Christ was born on Christmas Day then how come we don't celebrate New Year until a week later? Seriously, if you're going to try and stomp out pagan activities with your own inventions then at least be consistent.

7) Gamblers: Don't go to the bookies and bet on it being a white Christmas. It won't be! It hasn't snowed on Christmas Day since 1892 and it's far more likely to be raining instead. That's why the bookies are usually shut on Christmas Day because nobody has any winnings to collect.

8) Cubs scouts in Iceland stores who wait at the counters and pack your bags expecting shoppers to give them charity money: Piss off.

Uncle Brian...hoping to reduce Christmas to exactly what it is...two days when the television is filled with fucking awful Disney films and all the shops are shut so you can't buy batteries for all your new toys.

THE VIEW FROM AMERICA

Tonight's Topic: "Collateral Damage - So What"

NEW ITEM: Brian Hughes watches a television program and now he wants to save the world.

Hey Hughes - get down from your anti-American horse and take a closer look at the facts. Innocent people have to die. Collateral damage is unavoidable as we rid the world of cretins like Sadamm Hussein and Osama bin Laden. Granted we wiped out a few unsuspecting Afghans during our purging of the Taliban, but hey, it could have been much worse. Look at the bright side -- our aim is a hell of a lot better today than it has ever been. Close to 40 million civilians (that's million, not thousands) were killed during World War II (talk about bad aim). Mr Hughes - not wanting to harm innocent men, women and children - what would you have done to stop Hitler? As a pacifist I'm sure you would have constructed a few anti-war signs (complete with a Scrag Ends promotional cartoon, no doubt) and picketed the streets of Blighty -- or possibly (likely) just complained about perceived injustices to a few of your equally intoxicated pseudo-buddies. Yes, you and your pacifist friends would have been doing this while Hitler was prancing through Europe -- while millions of Jews were being exterminated in death camps. 40 million civilians had to die during World War II to make the world right. Yes, had to die ... just like a few hundred thousand Iraqi men, women and children will have to die to ensure that terrorism is held in check.

Editor's note: Actually I'd have given Germany more financial support following the First World War instead of trying to keep them as the underdogs. Then inflation wouldn't have spiralled out of control leading to the rise of fascism in the first place, the election of Hitler and the loss of millions of lives. Just so long as Douglas Adams would have agreed in principle.

JOIN THE ANTI-WAR CAMPAIGN!

I've just been watching a programme on Channel 4 (by far the best channel on British telly, even if some of their programmes are a bit crap from time to time) entitled: "21st Century War. The Good Guys!"

The title was meant to be ironic. The programme itself detailed some of the effects that American bombing has had on the lives of innocent, ordinary people around the world in such places as Afghanistan, Somalia and the Sudan (to name but three). In fact America, whilst claiming to use military force only in self-defence, has attacked without provocation over 70 countries since the end of the Second World War, destroying hundreds of thousands of lives, ruining economies and devastating thousands more lives belonging to those left behind to pick up the pieces.

And finally, I'm incensed! I was before, of course, but now I'm well and truly pissed off!

This has got to stop. And you know it's got to stop.

There's no point in saying any longer, "I don't have a political opinion so I'm keeping out of all this!" To coin an old phrase, "If you're not part of the solution you're part of the problem."

Thirty-five per cent of the British population (and steadily growing) believes that the up and coming war with Iraq is a good idea.

A staggering Seventy-five per cent of the American population believe the same.

It's time to change a few ideas, a lot of minds and the course of future history!

For every visitor to this site who has their own site and who believes that killing innocent people is wrong, please join the campaign now! Speak out against the impending war on your sites! Speak out about the government lies and the media manipulation. Feel free to use whatever you like from this site and/or my Scrag Ends site for your own purposes.

But don't ignore the problem.

Any visitors who don't have their own sites....it's time to get one! Try Compucan.com or 50 Megs.com (I'm sure Mr Sedgwick will furnish this posting with a couple more)

... Tenshun! Yessir!
http://members.freewebs.com/
http://www.sphosting.com/
http://www.0catch.com/
http://free.prohosting.com/
and A BIG LIST HERE
(some on this list may be dead, but the 4 above are alive and well ... considering probably none of them make any money ... unless of course they are members of the bellico$e Bu$h tribe.)

...they're completely free and there's no excuse! So sign up for one and stand up for human rights! Then tell us about it and we'll give you a link!

Make a lot of noise folks! Organise rallies! Tell your friends! Complain to the papers! Get on the radio or telly or Internet messageboards. But sway the balance of public opinion. Otherwise the blood of thousands more innocent women, children and starving peasants will be on your own hands!

Time to get political folks! Together we can put a stop to this Bush/Blair bullshit once and for all!

Purchase an Anti-War Shirt (or other Anti-War Products) by clicking on the picture above...or...

Feel free to display this banner on your site. The address to collect the picture from is:

http://www.btinternet.com/~scragends/bio/antiwar.jpg

Just copy and paste this into your site and let everyone know that the more intelligent members of the so-called Free World are sick and tired of all the crap!

Bizarre plot to test Prince Harry's DNA

16dec02

AN extraordinary plot to obtain a sample of Prince Harry's DNA, to try to prove he is not Prince Charles' son, has been uncovered.

Scotland Yard, alerted by Prince Charles' closest advisers, were investigating the conspiracy under a veil of secrecy.
The bizarre plan involved employees of a private security firm, who aimed to get a strand of the 18-year-old prince's hair and sell it to a foreign newspaper, according to the Mail on Sunday

The prince's DNA could then be extracted to prove – or disprove – the rumour that Harry is the result of the late Princess Diana's five-year affair with former army officer James Hewitt.

The plot centred on using a pretty girl to befriend Harry in a "honey trap".

She could then get close enough to run her fingers through his hair and pluck one out, which would then be tested in a laboratory.


I, Peggy Farcus, wish right here and now to deny the rumours sweeping the tabloids that I was the pretty girl set to befriend Harry in a "honey trap". (The last time I was engaged to run my fingers through someone"s hair was at Willy Haig's coming of age party.) I was offered this gig by Pete Foster, but due to running over time on the previous scam assignment arranged by Foss (the video starring my good self and a father in law not a million miles away from Number 10 is set for release in February) I was forced to decline.

Edinburgh council (God bless their little cotton socks) have banned parents and family members from videoing and photographing their kids at school nativity plays this year in case the images end up in the hands of paedophiles. Perhaps next year the schools in Edinburgh will go back to the traditional plays instead of the all-nude 'Oh Emmanuelle' versions. Edinburgh council are not the first to employ such a ban this year. A spokesperson on Channel 4 news tonight said, "...we are only reacting to some parents' wishes." These wouldn't be the same fat, ugly council estate bastards who beat the crap out of a pediatrician a few years ago and burnt her house down because they didn't know what she actually did for a living, would they? And does this mean that the video-tape of my two nephews in their roles as shephards that I keep in my cupboard is now classified as hard-core child pornography? Having said that, I'm actually all for the idea. Furthermore I reckon we should ban children from being seen in public altogether in case paedophiles get turned on by the sight of 'real' kids playing. Life would be so much better without the little bastards playing cricket outside my house!

Other news, and apparently there are plans afoot for a sequel to the hit movie Gladiator. Er...how exactly? Not to give the game away to anybody who hasn't seen this historically innaccurate pile of old trash, but Ceaser dies at the end. As does Russel Crowe (hurrah). So what's the follow up? Gladiator 2: Trouble in the Elysian Fields? The Emperor Strikes Back? Another load of old made up bollocks following the usual plot-line of 'Innocent man witnesses family being killed and then seeks revenge on the powerful tyrant who killed them'? I wonder what Douglas Adams would have to say about it? No doubt it'd be a lot less confusing than my take on it, whatever it was.

A Review of Hobson & Co (Paranormal Investigators) as posted at Amazon Co Uk.

Douglas Adams did it before, and better, 7 August, 2002

Reviewer: A reader from Dublin Ireland

An interesting story but not very well written, and very confusingly introduces major characters every few pages, without any reference or link to previous characters. Also a big feature of the novel is commentary by the omnipotent author; this is better suited to television or at least to a more organised writer than Mr Hughes. If you're looking for a detective story of the paranormal I'd recommend Douglas Adams' Dirk Gently novels - the writing is better, and the author's efforts to amuse are not as obvious!

Looks like Dublin's off my next book-signing tour then.