Saturday, April 19, 2003

God, Easter and Everything.

Bush mourns loss of life in Iraq

US President George W Bush, whose public expressions of faith have raised eyebrows in Europe, has mourned the loss of American lives in Iraq, saying God's purposes were "not always clear".

Editor's note: Let's face it...the purpose of "Spot the Dog" isn't clear to Bush.

"This year, Easter and Passover have special meaning for the families of our men and women in uniform who feel so intensely the absence of their loved ones during these days," Mr Bush said.

Editor's note: Not to mention the thousands of Iraqis who are feeling the absence of loved ones, limbs, homes, water, food etc even more intensly.

"This holy season reminds us of the value of freedom, and the power of a love stronger than death."

Editor's note: A love of power stronger than death perhaps...

Mr Bush, who speaks of the power of prayer and has hinted at God's "divine plan," recalled the battlefield loss of Corporal Henry Brown, a 22-year-old soldier from Mississippi, and the words of the soldier's best friend Frank Woods.

"He believed God was working through him and he was part of the plan. I guess part of the plan now is God calling his soldier home," Mr Bush quoted Mr Woods as saying.

Mr Bush's evangelical Protestantism, which he embraced about 16 years ago when he gave up alcohol, has prompted questions abroad and in mainstream US media about how much it colors his presidency, his stand on Iraq and the war on terror.

Aides say Mr Bush reads the Bible every day, opens Cabinet meetings with a prayer and sometimes prays in the Oval Office.

During the 2000 presidential campaign, he declared Jesus Christ the political philosopher or thinker he most admired "because he changed my heart".

Editor's note: Pity he doesn't actually pay any attention to Jesus' philosophical gems then...such as turning the cheek if thine enemy smite thee and all that stuff about rich men entering camels...

Since the attacks of September 11, 2001, Mr Bush has painted the world in stark terms of good and evil.

He told reporters last month he sought guidance from God in making the decision to send US troops into Iraq to depose Saddam Hussein and rid the country of suspected weapons of mass destruction.

Editor's note: That's true...and Tony bin Blair answered him in a dream.

Bet Donny Rumpy-Pumpy wasn't happy about Dubbya going over his head to seek advice from Mr. Big ... and to think that people regard Osama as the world's numero uno loony toons religious fanatic?! Someone please send both of them a bottomless case of single malt.

Repent for lies to public: Archbishop tells govt

Adelaide's Anglican Archbishop has told the Federal Government it needs to repent for deceiving the Australian public.

Archbishop Ian George says the Federal Government's tough stance on asylum seekers and commitment to the war on Iraq has depressed many Australians.

Archbishop George will use his annual Easter message today to ask governments, the Church and the community to focus on the resurrection of the spirit.

"Governments need to look at something new and have to actually admit that they have misled the public over things like the Tampa business, and the war on Iraq, and there's got to be a fresh start."

"Who will rid me of this meddlesome priest" ... Henry 11 John Howard.

PM ready to invite Bush to Australia

April 20 2003 By Aaron Patrick New York

"When Prime Minister John Howard arrives at George Bush's Texas ranch in two weeks it is likely he will invite the President to visit Australia.

Australian diplomats last week discussed with the White House the prospect of the President visiting Australia in what appeared to be preparatory diplomacy for Mr Howard to extend an offer in person."

And it's about bloody time the Australian Head of State honored us with a visit. If it was good enough for LBJ to tickle the egos of his deputies it's only right and proper for Dubbya to get Downunder and dirty.

Easter weekend! The celebration/memorial of the martyrdom and resurrection of Jesus bin Christ.
At least that's the theory.
In practice every fat bastard in England seems to have descended on Fleetwood Market to go shopping and get wedged between the stalls. To add to the chaos most of Britain's picked up on the Australian pastime of catching fire, huge swathes of moorland and forest now creating a thick black plume above this foetid island! And parents...what's wrong with you? Has the idea of controlling your kids become a quaint old thing of the past now, or have you just gone into competition with each other to produce the noisiest, most ignorant wankers in existence!
I'm smashed out of my head on morphine tablets with five gaping stab wounds in my belly and all I ask for is a bit of peace and quiet for forty winks. It's not a's been a difficult, painful week and even Iraqi prisoners of war deserve better than this! Jesus H. Christ himself didn't have an all out battle between his neighbour's radios when he was hanging off his cross! Cricket scores versus Terry Wogan versus crap eighties pop music, all increasing in loudness from every quarter of my once quiet close and snarling up into one thunderous cacophony of shit!
Kids thundering up and down the ginnel screaming violently as though the first glimmerings of sunlight have scared the crap out of them! Dogs barking at snails! Seagulls screwing arduously on chimney pots! The new neighbour smashing up his garden shed with what sounds like a bulldozer!
When I was a kid Easter consisted of pigging out on chocolate eggs and throwing up during Ben Hur on BBC1! There was none of this noise and traffic and frantic fat tossers squeezing into Fleetwood's tiny shops and then turning purple beneath the strain back then! Even the somewhat diminutive Easter Parade this year was squashed flat in the middle of Lord Street by fifteen coaches full of cripples headed for the Ice Cream Parlour.
If I'd have been Jesus confronted with this riot of mongoloid stupidity I'd have been glad to have kicked the bucket! And I wouldn't have bothered coming back again after three days either!
Now bugger off and let me sleep before I nail every last overweight, screaming bastard one of you up to my garden gate and stick a spear in your spleens! Inconsiderate twats! I'll give you fucking Easter eggs, rammed down your gobs with a broom handle with the Easter Bunny's headless corpse stuck up your arses for good measure!

BTW, a new entry in Guest Book which poses a question ... the answer to which is obvious, but I can't be arsed bothering.

Editor's note: Me please...I want to answer it...I want to answer it...

"...please explain in human terms which is better?
say bob down the street from you gets a gun and declares his right to rule your block and begins killing those neighbors of yours he decides deserve to die? your mission is to decide wether you should take the only action you can which is to plant a bomb in his house and kill him and possibly a couple others, or allow him to continue on the path he has chosen, knowing full well he will continue to kill, toture, rob, and dehumanise the people of your neighborhood until he dies.
what would your choice be ?"

I know...I barnstorm the block, take out thousands of the occupants, maim, hack and mangle thousands more, destroy the building's infrastructure, cut off the gas, electricty and water supply, put guards round the petrol station and then let the bastard escape. Do I get a gold star?

Situation wanted.

It is my privilege to be the agent for 200 Iraqi body doubles who, due to circumstances
quite beyond their control, are available for immediate employment.

Below are examples of previous assignments undertaken by these fine craftsmen.

P.S. Might I be so bold as to offer my own skills as a fully professional promoter of
unpopular causes and untenable positions for corporations and elected officials.
(Also available for smoke nights, hen's parties and exorcisms.)

Friday, April 18, 2003

One thousand US experts will scour Iraq for weapons of mass destruction, a US defence official said amid questions about the US failure to find banned weapons and mounting calls for the return of UN inspectors.

"Digging it out, ferreting it out is going to take some time," said the official, who asked not to be identified. "It's going to be difficult, it's not going to be a cakewalk."

The White House, however, has said it was not yet time to discuss the return of UN inspectors, and the large-scale US effort signalled that the United States wants to conduct its own search. Thirty to 40 former UN arms inspectors have been asked to join the team, which also includes former and current US government experts and officials.

"In this organisation there are going to be about 1,000 people," he said. "They are going to be involved in document exploitation, (Will someone please tell the Amerkins that the rest of the world is having a hard time keeping up with their obfuscatory blights on the English language!) in interrogations, in weapons of mass destruction, the whole soup to nuts kind of things (See previous interpolation) ," he said.

Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld highlighted concern that the US might be accused of planting evidence of weapons of mass destruction inside Iraq. But he insisted controls were in place to ensure evidence is untainted.

"That will not stop certain countries, and certain types of people from claiming, inaccurately, that it was planted," he said.

"It is not like a treasure hunt, where you just run around looking everywhere hoping you find something," Mr Rumsfeld said. "The (UN weapons) inspectors didn't find anything, and I doubt that we will. What we will do is find the people who will tell us."

Excuse me, but did I read that correctly? Where were your doubts before the Shock and Awe festivities, Donny boy? You will find people who will tell you WHAT? Tell you that there aint no sanity clause? Tell you that you were wrong and you should go and stand in the corner? The Rant of the Week's Information Minister is proud of you, albeit a little put out that he has been one-upped big time.
"There is no imagination in sentencing, there is no true revenge, no torture of any kind and as a result Australia suffers instead of the criminals.

In America judges are elected and we should break with tradition and follow where the US leads. We could have an auction system, with each candidate judge outbidding each other in an attempt to come up with the more creative and crippling sentence.

The problem with this country is there are not nearly enough elections.

In the USA citizens get to elect everything, sheriffs, district attorneys, judges, half-witted, failed Texan oil tycoons."

Great days in London

Deputy editor agrees ...

If this image hasn't appeared, right click and click SHOW PICTURE.

Mission statement update.

"Irony, exaggeration and parody is henceforth forbidden on The Rant of the Week.
The Editor will tolerate nothing but truthfulness as he is a man of great honour and integrity.
Everyone is encouraged to speak freely of the truths evidenced in their eyes and hearts."

Thursday, April 17, 2003

U.S. to Remake School System In Postwar Iraq

By Mary Ann Zehr April 16, 2003

"As American forces were taking control of Baghdad last week, officials in the United States began putting into place the building blocks of a new campaign: restructuring the Iraqi school system.

The U.S. Agency for International Development was poised late last week to award contracts for devising a new curriculum and remaking the leadership of an education system that will serve the estimated one-half of Iraq's 24.5 million people who are under age 18. In addition, contracts were expected to be handed out to groups that will construct or rehabilitate an estimated 6,000 schools."

The Iraqis have a lot to look forward to with the Amerkins in charge of setting up their new schools.

April 20, 1999 - Littleton, Colorado
Columbine High. Two students heavily armed with guns and explosives carry out a terrorist-style assault, killing 15 and wounding another 23 before killing themselves.

May 20, 1999 - Conyers, Georgia
A 15-year-old male student opens fire at his high school armed with a handgun and a rifle, wounding six students.

August 10, 1999 - Los Angeles, California
An adult male enters the North Valley Jewish Community Center day care facility and opens fire. Three children and two adult workers are wounded.

November 19, 1999 - Deming, New Mexico
A 13-year-old girl is shot in the head and killed at school. A 12-year-old male is arrested as the shooter.

December 6, 1999 - Fort Gibson, Oklahoma
A 13-year-old student opened fire at his middle school, wounding four of his classmates. When asked why he did it, he replied, "I don't know."

February 25, 2000 - Mount Morris Township, Michigan
A six-year-old-boy in the first grade shot and killed a six-year-old girl in the classroom at their elementary school.

March 5, 2001 - Santee, California
Charles Andrew ``Andy'' Williams, 15, kills two and injures 13 Santana High School in Santee, Calif. After the shooting, his friends admit that he told them beforehand about his plans, but they hadn't thought he was serious.

... and that's just a small sample .

"For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it." -George W. Bush, May 14

"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.'' -George W. Bush, Feb. 21, 2001

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" -George W. Bush Jan. 11, 2000

The Editor's First Movement...for several days!

This morning my usually dormant bathroom was the setting for a much anticipated and eagerly sought after drama. I finally had a bowel movement. (And extremely musical it was!) After five days of nothing but the odd promotional murmur from my stitches, the occasional itch from the depths of my small intestine and the even less frequent yawn from my large colon (a yawn that generally smelt of sulphur and frightened the seagulls from around my porch) at 9.45 a.m. I stumbled upstairs following a hearty breakfast of Kellogg's Frosties (guaranteed to stir the soul, the liver and the drug-induced contents of a full week's storage) to discover the Krankies, Schnorbitz and Nick Kershaw gathered round my bathroom door for the grand reopening of my bowels.
And what an event it was!
After an initial strenuous fifteen minutes of staring at the wallpaper, beads of sweat straddling my forehead and knees trembling weakly, the first glimmers of a turtle's head began to appear. It was a similar experience to giving birth to a grand piano.
A choreographed cascade of boulder upon boulder then tore in romantic slow motion towards the bowl, plummeting noiselessly with the grace of Natalie Wood into the rupturing water!
A round of applause!
The shred of a stitch!
The tumultuous encore of several minor coal lumps that had been waiting in the wings!
And the drama was over!
Exhausted, sweaty and much relieved I took a bow, broke wind on the curtains and studied the huge, fossilised deposit that was wedged down the bog.
Who says that shit just happens?

The Rant of the Week Small Ads!

For Sale: Six months supply of slow burning winter fuel. Glows very brightly when lit. Ideal for the organic peat bog farmer. Tel: Fleetwood 0887737

This afternoon, I received my vial of powdered aphrodisiac made from the removed gall bladder of Brian Hughes, and I am very excited to post the results! It's a tiny vial and there isn't much powder, but I think it will go a long way. Since receiving the aphrodisiac, I have had sex with twin nuns from Cuba, a Swedish swimsuit supermodel, and a donkey. This was money well spent and I highly recommend investing in a vial of "Brian Hughes' Magical Gall Bladder Love Powder", and do so quickly before the supply runs out.

Wednesday, April 16, 2003

I haven’t written for a bit again. I know you are all disappointed in me, I can sense it, even from here. I have been awaiting news of the invasion of Blovistastan by the combined forces of the United States and some very small Indo-European men of indeterminate origin.
Regardless of the importance of this invasion for the protection of Human Rights as we define it, strictly speaking of course, that is our ideas of human Rights as outlined by us in sub-paragraph 6 of Chapter 3, of the Book Of Grand Things, strictly speaking of course in case there is any misunderstanding of it.
I wanted to assure the rest of you in this case, in case there was any misunderstanding of it.
So far no news has come of the vast forces we have sent into the very maw of victory in that small and rather filthy country, mostly run by Camel farmers and Dung Salesmen. We know what a threat they were to the general population, and that they were in fact in possession of Weapons of Mass Destruction which they have on occasion used to impress and threaten in order to prop up their very corrupt and rotten regime and they have sold their filthy products to others who are to undereducated to appreciate their appropriate uses. Small, low yield thermonuclear weapons are not intended to be used in farming, or in gardening, but for the mass extinction of large populations who threaten and cajole in order to rule the world.
I am working on a major book about these and other important things and just wanted you all to know that I think of you all any time there is a story on TV about auto accidents, or an employee going postal.

Search continues for hard WMD evidence

A senior US military commander says coalition forces in Iraq are continuing to find links to weapons of mass destruction, but have yet to find the weapons themselves.

Up to 3,000 teams are scouring the country for the chemical, biological and nuclear weapons which were the reasons the United States stated for going to war.

US Brigadier-General Vincent Brooks has told a media briefing in Qatar that the search is ongoing.

"What we do have is several things that have been examined," he said.

"Some have not proven to be chemical weapons, for example some have proved to be agricultural, although they were stored in a way that would not indicate a normal use for agriculture.

"But nevertheless, we determined that those were agricultural products."

Iraqi Information Minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Stand-up Comedian refuted the claims by Brigadier-General Vincent Brooks

"God willing, I will provide you with the proof. I swear by God, I swear by God, we have more chemical and biological weapons than you can poke a 40 foot pole at. We have already unleashed these weapons and we are destroying the infidel invaders one by one. Those not already feeling the wrath of our glorious weapons of mass destruction have started to commit suicide under the walls of Baghdad."

"Three of our heroic Republican Guards have already taken Washington. Your foolish President is now our prisoner. The remaining 55 criminals of the infidel administration who fled like frightened school girls have had their names and photos placed inside Chinese fortune cookies. These evil cowards will be hunted down and smoked out."

Some Helpful Hints and Tips for People Undergoing a Laposcoptomy Chronicolititus Laperdictomy Choliosistitus Leperdoctorine Cholicchronicsistertium Gallbladder Operation!

1) When first booking into your room don't cram all your belonging into the bedside cabinet. For reasons best left to the ergonomically challenged designers of hospital wards, bedside cabinets are right next to the floor whereas hospital beds tend to lift the patient at least six feet into the air. When you're full of holes, stitches and acute pain you soon discover that it's impossible to bend down in order to reach your Gameboy, slippers, grapes, cordial, crossword book, Inspector Morse novel etc and end up having to watch the dreadful home-decorating programmes on the television all night instead.

2) When asked to shave between your nipples and your pubic bone don't have a go at your bollocks as an experiment at the same time. Despite everything that Elton John reckons it is not a liberating experience and there's nothing worse than having itchy balls when you're in too much pain afterwards to be able to scratch them.

3) Following the operation, prodding the large bandage over your belly button is not a good idea. Admittedly the huge quantities of methadone and morphine swimming about your system might cloud your judgement slightly but try to resist as blood stains are extremely difficult to get out of bed sheets, off walls, out of carpets, off boxer shorts, grapes, pillows, pyjamas, hospital gowns, the windows, the curtains, the staff nurse etc.

4) Staff nurses...don't try to remove a patient's tap whilst the aforementioned patient is still attached to a sphignometer (sp?). The increase in pressure on the patient's veins will result in an arc of blood that, if aimed correctly, will coat the lampshade and block up the air vent in the room next door.

5) When sneaking off for a crafty cigarette outside the fire exit, keep your foot firmly placed between the door and the jamb. A sudden draught whistling through the courtyard can easily result in you being locked outside in the pouring rain and having to hammer loudly on the window until the staff nurse wakes up and rescues you.

6) When waking up in the recovery room in a confused state, try to avoid making sexual advances towards the nurse. Your resulting bow-legged condition when you wake up properly can be put down either to the nurse taking offence and punting your goolies into the middle of next week or the nurse being male and taking you up on the offer.

7) Sneaking hordes of chocolate into the ward for post-operative comfort eating is not a good idea, as crocheted blankets do not afford much protection from large quantities of violently discharged vomit.

8) When arriving back home, do not attempt to write an amusing blog whilst doped up on morphine tablets, anti-inflammatory tablets and some weird capsules that induce epileptic fits and the desire to run through the streets naked shouting, "I'm an elephant!"

Uncle Brian...well on the road to recovery...physically if not mentally.

Day Whatever: Have taken up residence in private bunker in Syria. Good job I packed dose gold sinks and bidets before I left. Tummy feeling dicky after drinking Baghdad water last week. Might have been a bit hasty filling it with petrol. Still, got plenty of medicine from de hospital on my way out of town to sort dat problem out.
Dat evil little warmonger Bush and his satanic cohort Minister for Offence Donald Duck Bumfeeler are starting to get right on bosoms! First dey tell me to leave Iraq. If I leave, dey say, dey won't pursue de matter any further. So I get my belongings together, fill my private jeep with government ministers and bugger off to Syria just like dey said. Now they're threatening war with Syria because I did exactly what they told me. Bother and bugger dem! Might Allah smite the hypocritical bastards with his big hairy bollocks!

Day Whatever plus one: Gold bidet not working! Forgot to bring taps. Bumhole clogged with Majesterial clinkers.
Little bastard Bush now threatening to cut oil pipe line from Iraq to Syria if I don't go back! First dey say oil belongs to Iraqi people! No doubt about it! "Iraqi people will own de oil," Bush say on tellybox. "We not come to own oil at all! We come to free people!" Now dey say it's theirs and bugger the people and they're cutting it off! So much for Bush's democracy! Worse dan mine! Might Allah pull down his undies and fart all over der lying faces and tiny cocks!


The Editor hits World News headlines.

The Editor, after intensive physiotherapy sessions, is quickly regaining his former body tone.

He is already back enjoying some of his favorite recreational pursuits.


Now that the war in Iraq is all over bar the looting (Don’t you mean shooting…er shouting? Ed.), the domestic news has finally broken out across the newspaper headlines, lead by yet another New Labout blunder, this time of staggering proportions. Hopefully St Stony of Bleugghh has been dragged screaming and kicking back to political reality with the newly revealed tax credits fiasco.

Let me explain for those of you who have never suffered New Labour’s fancy, short-sighted and ill considered policies which blight every aspect of UK existence. The way we pay income tax (the tax workers pay through their salaries) has been “improved”. Families with children, whose annual income falls within the permitted nett amount , are entitled to tax credits which, theoretically, puts money into people’s pockets rather than the coffers of the exchequer (yeah, right!). So, a huge bureaucracy has sprung up to take cash from the breadwinner’s pay packet in order to pay it directly into the wife’s bank account (which is usually a JOINT bank account). This scam is designed to ensure that tax benefit is directly accessible to the wife and kids and not to the till of the local publican while adding to the spiralling costs of public sector spending.

What this means is, reduced salaries (sans the previous tax relief) are (most likely) paid into the same bank account as the tax credits. Where the sole breadwinner is a single working mother, her salary is also reduced to protect her from blowing the lot on a night out with the girls. With Tax credits paid separately she should be a bit better off each week right? Wrong!!

Our beloved Treasurer, Gordon Brown, in order to supplement his profligate and disastrous spending, has also increased National Insurance (NI) (to fund Social Security benefits, pensions, the National Health Service, the spiralling costs of public sector spending etc). The NI increase has just come into force alongside the Tax Credits system. The part of the system that claws in the dosh is working well (no surprise there!!). However, the bit that is supposed to give it back has collapsed, leaving vulnerable people in a bit of a sticky financial bind. Only a fraction of claimants can expect to be paid on time and over half a million claims have mysteriously vanished from the system which means all those poor sods will have to fill in the tortuously large claims forms before they can receive the money the government has snatched off them. I’m rather hoping that I do not fall into this category but I have no way of knowing because, since I received a fresh set of claim forms last week, I have been unable to get through to the tax office on the ‘phone to ask why they want me to claim again (I’m trying to be optimistic here).

This farce is typical of New Labour. They have never heard of that old adage “if it’s not broken, don’t fix it”. Well this time the bastards have fixed us good and proper (again!!).

I think it’s about time we fixed them good and proper too!

Labour came to power using the slogan (and the song) “Things can only get better!”

I believe we have grounds to sue under the Trade Descriptions Act (If they haven’t repealed it already).

Tuesday, April 15, 2003

Coalition failing its Geneva duty: Minister

A British Cabinet Minister says the coalition forces in Iraq have failed their Geneva Convention obligations to maintain order and keep civil administration running.

Clair Short almost resigned as Britain's Secretary of State for International Development over the war.

She says the coalition clearly was not sufficiently prepared and should have done better in managing Iraq after the collapse of Saddam Hussein's regime.

Ms Short says the humanitarian situation in Iraq is worrying and urgent.

"The coalition has a duty to provide for the immediate humanitarian needs of the people, to keep order and to keep civil administration running," Ms Short said. "Of course, order isn't there and civil administration isn't running."

Ms. Short said that she would resign immediately as a matter of principle. Later Ms. Short said that she had been grossly misquoted by herself and that resignation had never been an option. Clarifying her position to her constituents Ms. Short was allegedly automisquoted again, "My resignation is in the mail. I'm a member of the Government and I'm here to help myself you".

Later in the House Ms. Short, flanked by her personal astrologer and a Section 651:11-a, further clarified her position, "I'm a little teapot short and stout and as such Henny Penny has my total support. Ying tong ying tong Ying tong ying tong Ying tong iddle I po. Hello Sailor."

Spam canned under new laws

The Commonwealth Government will introduce new laws to ban unsolicited email, known as spam, in Australia.

A report into the problem showed that spam accounts for 20 per cent of all email traffic and usually has a commercial focus, promoting or selling services that are sometimes illegal.

Federal Minister for Communications and Information Technology, Senator Richard Alston, says the problem is escalating and steps need to be taken to stop the deluge of junk email.

"It's the clogging up of the system as much as the nature of the content, but clearly there is a lot of stuff there that is offensive to a lot of people," Senator Alston said.

"So the combination of the two means that people whatever solutions can be put in place should be put in place."

Wotdafark does that last sentence mean?! (Yes, from our Australian Minister for Communications!)

Any-bloody-how only 2% of spam heading to Oz email boxes is home grown. AND guess what? Following up on this is a campaign offering Anti SPAM $oftware. Yep, sent as unsolicited emails. Yep, SPAM!

"Ricky Gervais will NOT play loser David Brent in the American version of his cult BBC2 smash The Office — but he will help make it.

Ricky flew to Los Angeles for talks with TV bosses and agreed to be executive producer and script consultant.

If the show is a hit in the US, the 41-year-old star and co-writer Stephen Merchant will be millionaires."

To guarantee that the US version will be a hit, a few changes have been suggested by the American TV executives. The American version of The Office (tentatively titled "Leave it to Three Men and a Stapler") will have a wisecracking character, a dimwitted, simple-minded, naive, zany but loveable best friend and a grouch or hollerer with a heart of gold. There will also be a smart-alecky little kid and a baby that ages while the older kids don't. There'll also be a leading man and leading lady who are complete opposites of each other, hate each other but are destined to fall in love despite each thinking that the other one is gay. There'll be a man and woman who really like each other but mask it by insulting each other. David Brent's grandparent will visit the office and conflict and confusion is sure to arise. And of course canned laughter that you can only dream of.

David Hasselhoff has been signed to play David Brent.

In the months ahead pointy sharp things that might cause injury or death should be kept well out of the reach of Ricky Gervais.

These on the queries log:

transvestites frilly frocks
gay underwear swaps
cumbrian sheep shaggers

Makes a change from Connie Huq naked.







A message to the hacks calling for the enforced democratisation of the Middle East from their air conditioned offices in Canary Wharf and elsewhere.

Does this picture make you want to puke? Does this appalling image strike a chord in that atrophied organ you people call brains? This Iraqi child was not a terrorist.

Neither was he a member of a fanatical Muslim fundamentalist organisation. Anti-war protestors marched to prevent his death, not to appease the regime under which he at least had a life.

If you are unable to distinguish between appeasement and compassion then you have no right to foist your opinions and anti-Muslim sentiments on the people who can !!!!

Deputy Editor has his two bobs' worth ...

NBC is planning the movie about how Private Jessica Lynch, 19, was found by US special forces, Hollywood newspaper Variety said. Private Lynch was being held in hospital in Nasiriya, southern Iraq, and suffered two broken legs, an injured arm and multiple gunshot wounds. NBC say it is "as good a story as you can get from this war", according to Variety. "This story is Mission: Impossible, but it's real," an official told the paper. "It's uplifting, heroic, compelling and dramatic. You see this sort of thing in spy movies and wonder if it's really true. Now we know it is true." The film will focus on her ordeal and preparations by Delta forces to rescue her.

Her ordeal was to suffer two broken legs, an injured arm and multiple gunshot wounds ... "as good a story as you can get from this war" ?!

Might I refer NBC and members of the jury to Twisted's exhibit 'A' which is as disgusting an example of man's inhumanity to man as you can get from this war. Unfortunately it is not the prime time mini-series material, complete with special effects broken limbs, that will bulk up NBC's 'bottom line' and pump up the arteries of the odd patriotic zealot.

Sex in an MRI scanner shows that in the missionary position,
the penis looks like a boomerang.

"Antoine Faix, a researcher in Montpellier, France, is one of those who have looked at what happens inside the body during sex. He and his colleagues used magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) to see how a woman's internal anatomy accommodates a penis in different sexual positions.

The images show that in the missionary position, the penis -- which looks like a boomerang because much of it is rooted inside a man's body -- butts between the woman's bladder and uterus, lifting the bladder up and forward, and shifting the uterus up and back towards the spine."

See, like all our sheilas know, we bronzed aussie studs just keep coming back.

And in marginally related news ...

Saddam Starred in Gay Porn Films!

Thursday April 10, 2003
"Rumors that Saddam appeared in gay porn films in his younger days have dogged him for decades, but now it looks like the Kuwaitis have found the smoking Rump gun," says a State Department source."

 If this picture hasn't appeared, right click and click SHOW PICTURE.


After a very complicated 25 second operation

the Editor is now on the mend.

"Yes! He's back! And he's stoned!"

Monday, April 14, 2003

Well, the weapons of mass destruction (WOMD) never made it onto the battlefield. Like a desert mirage, they have vanished into the sands. Or across the border and into Syria. At least that is what Dubya’s chickenhawks want us to believe. No doubt, if Syria is attacked, these illusive WOMD will be passed like a relay baton to Iran. And so, too will Saddam and his retinue of assorted murderers and sadists. Hell, the WOMD ploy worked for Iraq. The weapons must have gone somewhere right? Why not to other axis of evil countries? Tag on a tenuous link to Al Qaeda and Bob’s yer uncle!
While the US are about it, why not liberate all of the oil (Er…Don’t you mean Middle East? Ed.) from the Muslims (You mean dictators don’t you? Ed.). It’s the only sensible thing to do. After all, control of the biggest oil fields in the world is far more important than a rogue nuclear power threatening South East Asia and possibly the rest of the world.
Support Dubya’s mission for freedom and democracy in the Middle East now. You know it makes sense.
Melanie Phillips of the Daily Mail would have us believe that the MPs who opposed Stony Bleugghh, are appeasers of Saddam. Likewise, all those anti-war protesters who marched in London were either deluded or actively supporting the existence of the Saddam regime.
What utter bollocks.
Opposing the war did NOT mean supporting Saddam. A vast percentage of people against the coalition’s aggressive policing action wanted to see Saddam deposed. What they did not want was the bombing of Iraqi cities in the wild hope that one of the bombs would fall in Saddam’s lap. (Which is still being debated hotly)
Phillips blames all the ills of the modern world, from Stalin through Hitler onwards, on Left Wing moral cowardice, political fantasising and “intellectual blindness”. The fact that the US, the UK, Australia and Spain, waged a pre-emptive, and therefore illegal, war that ousted a hateful regime does not mean the politicians responsible will come out of the conflict smelling of roses. I strongly suspect that, had a second UN resolution been passed calling for Saddam’s removal, there would not have been such a political backlash. The disgusting behaviour of France, Germany and Russia are equally to blame, putting vested interest before ethical responsibility. Dubya’s finger might have been on the trigger but the REAL appeasers ripped away his seriously weakened restraint.
Now Phillips is hoping that the American Right will “de-fang” both Syria and Iran because they are oppressive regimes who support terrorism. Oh, and the Palestinians should get what is coming to them as well. It will come as no surprise that this particular journalist is a pro-zionist sympathiser. She makes no secret of it. Israel and the US can do no wrong. The left, apparently all too willing to condemn western “imperialism” and unconditionally appease power-mad dictators, especially those running the Muslim world, can do no right. In fact, according to Phillips, the Muslims have done little to deserve any right to help whatsoever. Other than being bombed and shot at checkpoints of course – all in the name of democracy and freedom naturally. And since the casualties were Arab collateral damage it made no odds to her at all. She mentions nothing about the British troops that died through friendly fire. (What the fuck do they mean by friendly fire? Why isn’t it called for what it is – incompetent, trigger happy bastard fire. C’est la guerre, as they say while plucking so called blue-on-blue body parts from the debris of collaterally damaged coalition equipment.)
While the British troops in Basra are going all out to do their best to police a very difficult situation, US troops in Baghdad stand by and watch anarchy rule as they protect oil fields and the oil ministry. If anyone was in any doubt what Dubya’s true objective was then they must feel pretty foolish now.
It is not in the interests of reasonable people to destroy valuable services no matter who’s name is on the building. Therefore it is likely that hotheads, stirred up by Saddam sympathisers and soldiers disguised as civilians, became hell-bent on doing as much damage as they could, inflicting even greater suffering on the law abiding population left cowering fearfully in their homes. They were even assisted by US troops, allowing the looters access to an unmolested district by opening a bridge and standing aside as the mob stormed across and went to work.
As an archaeology student I was mortified at the looting of Iraq’s ancient history. What really left me cold was the complete lack of regard for protecting really vital buildings like hospitals and offices of works. Surely these services will feature prominently in the rebuilding of Baghdad. Oh, hang on, I forgot, the more buildings destroyed the more American companies can profit from regeneration! Stupid me!!!!
While Phillips is entitled to her opinions I too, will support the so called free speech we enjoy by saying that her opinions are a pile of shite.

This is The Rant of The Week editor's Private Secretary reporting on behalf of my Lord and Master.
Yes! He's back! And he's stoned! (Or ought to be.) He may be back home if not yet on the Blogger Board.
News Flash!!!!
Gall Bladder last seen heading for Syria yesterday afternoon. Syrian authorities deny all knowledge.
The Editor reliably informs me that it only hurts when he laughs. He is now praying that none of the Royal Family die.
He is also keeping an eye on you Sedgers, and would like you to know he'll be back as soon as the stitches allow. So get in touch with your lawyer.
Private Secretary Dogsbody.

This on the queries log:

"concept diagram royal pavilion brighton"

If I were the Home Secretary I might be prompted to give my anti-terrorist wonks a mini-break on the south east coast some time soon! Can't be too careful after all...

Sunday, April 13, 2003

And here I was thinking Amerkins never appreciated irony. Silly moi!

"To encourage your support we have cut the prices of these top quality products
that you can wear with pride, pride for your country and your troops and yourself."

Get your discount patriotism here!
We won't be beaten on the price of freedom!
We are the cheapest you'll ever find!

Latest update on the Editor as he enters the pre-med zone.


"Narelle ... what does it mean when he turns all blue like?"

I am deeply offended by Twisted's posting of the picture below. I am not like one of those pathetic creatures who has to buy a blow up doll because he cannot maintain a meaningful relationship with a real woman. I can relate to real sheep as well as the next Welshman or New Zealander. Notwithstanding that (and she should have received the letter from my solicitors, 'Lambchops, Corriedale and Merino' by now) I second her thoughts on the freedom loving looters in Baghdad (where even the sheep are revolting).

Looters strip Iraqi National Museum of its antiquities

By Elizabeth Day and Philip Sherwell in Baghdad
(Filed: 13/04/2003)

"Looters have ransacked the Iraqi National Museum in Baghdad, stealing or destroying thousands of priceless artefacts.

As much of Baghdad descended into chaos after the collapse of Saddam Hussein's regime last week, a dozen looters broke into Iraq's biggest archaeological museum, shattering ancient pottery, overturning statues, and escaping with masterpieces."

"Mr Rumsfeld says people are losing sight of the big picture, that a country is being liberated.

"I read eight headlines that talked about chaos, violence, unrest and it just was Henny Penny, the sky is falling, I've never seen anything like it," he said."

The supporters of a "regime change by mass destruction" policy frequently underpinned their arguments with the cry of "It is necessary only for good men to do or say nothing for evil to triumph". Ahem ... paying attention here are we?

"Baghdad was in chaos today after US forces reopened two strategic bridges in the heart of the city and crowds of looters surged across - taking advantage of access to new territory that had not already been plundered.

US forces did nothing to stop them."

I'll be keeping an eye on 'ebay' for a few red hot bargains what fell off the back of an armed personnel carrier.
(Phone Arthur Daley 03 9379 8979.)

Betcha the looters don't get within a bull's roar of the oil wells.

Marines backtrack on Iraq chemical arms report

"US marines reported on Sunday finding five canisters with a substance testing positive for chemical agents but backed off a claim of finding 278 suspect artillery shells.

Officers with the marine's 1st Battalion, 5th Regiment said the canisters were found on Saturday in a Baghdad schoolyard among large stocks of ammunition.

Corporal Chad Arva, a chemicals analysis specialist, said the contents of the canisters "tested positive three times for blister agents".

But battalion officers backed off an earlier claim they had found likely blister agents in 278 artillery shells.

The report had come from the battalion's operations officer, Major Stephen Armes, and his commander, Lieutenant Colonel Fred Padilla. But they later said they had been mistaken."

It just was Henny Penny?

Henny Penny Bush accuses Syria of having chemical weapons

US President George W Bush says the US administration believes there are chemical weapons in Syria.

Asked if Syria could face military action, Mr Bush said: "They just need to cooperate".

Latest reports from the Pentagon's "Deep Throat" based at a secret location (24 Rue de Remarques, Damascus ... "If I'm not home the front door key is under the potted palm.") in Syria establishes irrefutable evidence that the Easter Bunny has been supplying weapons grade chocolate to the Syrian government for more than a decade. At Guantanamo Bay, under Geneva Convention sanctioned electrical prodding, the Tooth Fairy has admitted to aiding and abetting the Easter Bunny. Colin Powell briefed journalists on the issue, "Whilst this is pretty goddam conclusive evidence, we do not intend bombing Syria back into the 15th century just yet. Until we can get Santa Claus, the "Mr Big" behind this whole operation, to corroborate these facts we will stay our hand. Word from Guantanamo Bay is that he is close to cracking. Thank you gentlemen, and have a nice Easter."

Here we go again. Couldn't get Osama so we went after Saddam. Haven't quite found the smoking gun chemical/biological arsenal in Iraq so let's have a go at Syria. Tomorrow ze verld! Georgie Boy sure loves the smell of regime change in the morning.


Twisted is back!!! And with the latest in Bushisms - two occuring within 30 seconds of each other on his latest bulletin this teatime. Luverly!!!!!

Here they are folks!

When asked about the looting free for all going on in Baghdad Dubya said, after rambling on about "freedom" and without blinking an eye:

Looting and chaos are signs of freedom.

It will take time to restore chaos to Iraq.