Saturday, June 14, 2003

Haven't done any of these for a while. where to start...there's so many new ones every day from which to choose...

"...when we find a senior who has to choose between food and medicine -- that's not our vision of America."

"I don't want nations feeling like that they can bully ourselves and our allies. I want to have a ballistic defense system so that we can make the world more peaceful, and at the same time I want to reduce our own nuclear capacities to the level commiserate with keeping the peace." — Des Moines, Iowa, Oct. 23, 2000

"I think we ought to raise the age at which juveniles can have a gun."

"I'm not sure 80 percent of the people get the death tax. I know this: 100 percent will get it if I'm the president."

"Quotas are bad for America. It's not the way America is all about."

"... I've been talking to Vicente Fox, the new president of Mexico... I know him... to have gas and oil sent to U.S.... so we'll not depend on foreign oil..." -- on the first Presidential debate

"One of the common denominators I have found is that expectations rise above that which is expected." -- Los Angeles, Sept. 27, 2000

"...I don't need to be subliminabable..." -- Orlando, FL, Sept. 12

"That's Washington. That's the place where you find people getting ready to jump out of the foxholes before the first shot is fired." — Westland, Mich., Sept. 8, 2000

"Listen, Al Gore is a very tough opponent. He is the incumbent. He represents the incumbency. And a challenger is somebody who generally comes from the pack and wins, if you're going to win. And that's where I'm coming from." — Detroit, Sept. 7, 2000

"...exemplarary..."-- 60 Minutes, 09/10/2000

"I don't know whether I'm going to win or not. I think I am. I do know I'm ready for the job. And, if not, that's just the way it goes." — Des Moines, Iowa, Aug. 21, 2000

"The American people wants a president that appeals to the angels..." -- Bush in his speech during the GOP convention.

Friday, June 13, 2003

Wat? Wat y' lookin' at me like that for?! Y' got a fuckin' problem or wat? God you people make me puke! Y're always condemin' us for sommet we 'aven't done, like wen the school burnt down last week! Just 'cos me an' Archie Finnigon were sittin' on the wall playin' with a can o' petrol an' a lighter you blamed us! It could a' bin anyone, y' fascist bastards! I saw two coppers runnin' away from the blaze. Oo's t' say it wasn't them, eh? Y' got a problem wi' your eyes as well as y' brain? We waz just lookin'! Is there a law against that, bastards?
You lot are all old an' over thirty an' y' don't know nothin' about the problems us young people 'ave t'day! Life on the streets is 'ard! We 'ave t' survive some'ow! Mum an' Dad don't give me enough allowance, the tight fisted bastards. 'Ow am I supposed to buy enough skank to share wi' me mates on twenty quid a week?
"Get a bleedin' job," me dad always says! There ain't no fuckin' jobs to be 'ad, you ignorant wankers. Well, all right, there's some down the job centre...but they're all potato washin' and shelf stackin'. The youth of today need more stimulation than that! It might 'ave bin all right for old farts like you but we reckon it's crap.
We 'ave other things t' consider nowadays. I'm nearly fifteen an' I 'aven't 'ad any kids yet! That Judy Williams 'oo's dad works on the council, she's already got two kids an' a three bedroom council 'ouse! 'Ow do y' think that makes me feel? Full of angst an' self loathin' that's 'ow! It was different for you lot. You didn't need to 'ave sex when you was young back in the last century. You all 'ad money an' there was no unemployment an' y' could buy your own 'omes for 300 quid without 'avin' to 'ave children first! Selfish, ignorant fuckers!
That's why we do drugs...t' get 'igh and survive. We need t' break into cars an' nick stereos t' live! Addidas shirts don't come cheap. Even me designer torn-look denims cost me three 'undred quid! Flora Robinson's cost 'er four 'undred quid. An' Tommy Jenks...'ee 'ad to nick 'is and 'ee got caught. Thank fuck the coppers couldn't arrest 'im 'cos 'ee was too young otherwise 'ee'd have bin forced to hang himself by his Jean-Paul Gautier braces from some fascist room 101 prison cell.
I tell y', it's not easy being a youth and 'avin' to 'ave all the best designer gear. But at least I'm an individual, unlike you old squares! So fuck off! I'm off t' borrow me dad's car an' 'is credit cards for a night on the town. Then I might cut me arms up with a broken mirror...see 'ow y' like that you ignorant fuckers!

Thursday, June 12, 2003

It's grim down South...according to a documentary shown on the BBC last night.
Apparently in the South East of England (Britain's richest neighbourhood) there is a major housing shortage, the roads are completely chocka, property prices have shot up and John 'Feed-me-a-fresh-pig-every-morning' Prescott is planning to build an extra one million houses to solve the problem.
Meanwhile 'Oop North' (where the grubby people wi' t' silly accents live) because of the increasing centralisation of the South and the migration of people seeking their fortunes towards London, they're having to demolish perfectly decent council estates.
The solution...according to Kent County Council:

Transfer the people living in the over crowded council estates in the South East to the empty council estates up North.

And what an excellent idea that seems...until you actually stop and think about it. (Engage brains well as your ethics, if you actually have any.)
Poverty stricken North with a funding, powerful South with a population problem. Shift the poor people in the South to the poverty stricken North so that the South is no longer over crowded and can continue to make money whilst the North grows ever poorer due to the new influx.
Or, in other words, ETHNIC CLEANSING!
For 'council estates' write 'gypsies' and suddenly the whole thing falls into perspective! Surely Kent County Council can't be allowed to get away with this shit? This isn't going to solve fuck all! It's just going to increase the North/South divide and create two entirely separate species of people! Isn't this what Hitler had in mind for Germany?
I knew that the South of England had taken several steps to the right since Mrs Thatcher first crawled out of the abortion bucket and entered power...but this!? I'm packing my bags and leaving for the Isle of Man before the concentration camps for whippet breeders and flat cap wearers start going up!

Wednesday, June 11, 2003

God Save The Queen

EDITORIAL: The Rant of the Week will not be censored and post the picture which has been removed from the artrepublic site. (All writs should be served upon Mr Joe Petrenyi. First Bunker on the Left, Upper Hungary SE2.)

GARDENER'S CORNER...with Arthur Marrow.

I hate this stinkin' time o' year! Season o' mellow mists and swollen bosoms my arse! Buggerin' midges everywhere, more like!
One of 'em went pot holing up me snotter when I was waterin' me petunias an' all! I 'adn't choked s' much since Prince Edward asked me to wash 'is conkers for 'im!
I 'ad to shove the 'osepipe down me oesophagus t' flush the bastard out. It was havin' a picnic with three bumble bees on me spleen, randy, short-lived little sod. Unfortunately the dog 'ad got wedged in the 'osepipe after it 'ad bin washin' its balls in the sink and 'ad fallen in. So the nozzle swelled up an' ruptured me larynx sommet chronic.
As it turned out it was rather serendipitous as a nest o' starlings 'ad built a small boarding house in me Adam's apple. They'd bin usin' it for all-night beetle drives an' sex-crazed stag parties. Naturally the violent eruption of the 'osepipe spewed 'em all out onto me hostas where I swiftly dealt them a fatal blow with me picklin' mallet.

Editor's note: Arthur Marrow is now recovering in hospital following a near fatal overdose of magic mushrooms caused by a combination of myopia and tight-fisted stealing from the neighbour's potting shed.

Tuesday, June 10, 2003

Following Gordon Brown's lengthy piece of spin statement on the Euro yesterday spontaneous and sometimes deadly debates have been breaking out across Britain. Should we or shouldn't we...string Gordon Brown up by his balls until he admits where he actually stands on this issue?
One of the main points raised against joining the Single European Currency is that power is steadily being removed from Britain and into mainland Europe. (God I hate those French and their weasily ways, yessiree! And those Krauts have never forgiven us for winning the war neither!)
Apparently once we join the Euro we will no longer have any control over our income tax or interest rates.
Er...yeah...and the point is? As far as I'm aware I don't have any fucking control over these matters anyway. I also don't have any control over any other national finances or legalities, regardless of how shit and unegalitarian they might be. Not once in all my years on this planet has a single human being for whom I've voted at an election risen to power. Not bloody once! Regardless of anything else I still reckon Eddie Large would have made a bollocking good Chancellor of the Exchequer and Doris Stokes could still run the country from beyond the grave!

Monday, June 09, 2003

I am Nigel Molesnot, juneur backbencher for New Labor cheers cheers cheers. Im here too tell you about life in St Commons with its debaits hem hem and its partys hem hem hem and its whips HEM HEM. We hait swotty torys and bad mouthe those weeny wet lib dems pansies becos they deserve it.
Our leeder is tony fotherington mollusk blair he sa hello world yoo so stupid i kno everything which is why i pat yoo on the hed condesendingly like mongolians and ignore what yoo sa. fotherington mollusc is very saintly and not a bit wet or an oik like som of those lib lab weeds whos maters and paters live on council estaits and dont kno latin.
Then thers the deputary prime minster whos name is john grabber sinjun presccott. he big and burly and eet tons of pies like a real lad and is captain of the rugby squad and own several thousand jaguars aswell as loads of chins and stomachs. he very eye catching candy for the ladies hem hem who like a bit of the ruff stuff. Or perhaps a lot of the ruff stuff chiz.
the other leeding membre of our gang is peter hissing cid mandlebrot. he slimey weasle who worms about and sleeps with men hem hem. he sa don't tell anyone im gay and sniff flowers.
All of us are secrekly in luv with dame lady thatcherite cheers cheers she shoed us how to make politcks work and how to treat oiks too a damm good drubbing. she sexy and buotiful with luvly long legs and weerd crookd eyes. wen im sitting on the backbench i often daydream about mrs thatcherite and her partys and whips hem hem HEM HEM!
Ecxuse me. I need to vizit the bathroom to studdy my geo and fr and not too hav a wanc.

Sunday, June 08, 2003

The All Singing, All Dancing, American lead, Ordinance Survey, Israeli/Palestinian Road map...

A Big, Purple, Thalidomide Thing That Keeps Turning Up During Children's Programmes On Channel 5.

I've no idea what it's supposed to be...some sort of huge, unhealthy turd with an irritating American accent I can only assume. From what I can ascertain from the zealous shouts of the disgusting, bastard off-spring of the American hierarchy that surround it, it's called Barney. Whatever its name is it strikes me that it's just some sick old shit with paedophile tendencies. "Let's sing a song! I love you, you love me. We're as happy as can be." (Zip...what do you think this is children? That's's Barney's trouser sausage and he wants you to give him a big cuddly.)
The kiddies themselves? At first glance the perfect example of an eclectic cultural mix. On further examination however it becomes obvious that they're all the same child that's been cloned and then slightly genetically modified. The white kid has slicked back hair, more teeth than a grand piano and two obvious bolts surgically implanted into his jaw to fit the current trend amongst the ostentatiously rich. The Chinese kid is exactly the same but with the tiniest hint of the orient about him. The black kid isn't black at all but an ever-so-slightly darker than white colour...just enough to create a 'racial mix' without the Ku Klux Klan cancelling their subscription fee for the television channel.
Children of a lesser God indeed, all dancing and singing with some frightening midget in a yellow penis costume, all on day release from the local retard centre for precocious little bastards with more money than brains. The Waltons' school of acting is clearly on display here: "Goodnight Barney...we love you so much..." Wretch! "Saying 'Be Careful' is the same as saying 'I love you!'" BLEUGHHHHHH! Spatter! That's what Barney is! A huge mound of sick following a night of Vimto mixed with vodka.
That weird "Booh bah zing zing booh bollocks" that's on in the evenings is far superior to this vile suppository of so called 'education'...even if it doesn't make a blind bit of sense. At least "Booh bah" is fascinating to watch...if not incredibly disturbing after three joints and a tube of Pritt.
Barney Says: "I'm not educational kids because real life is nothing like this! Unzip me, kids, and I'll give you your first real lesson in American Lurv!"