Tuesday, December 23, 2003

Festive Reindeer Droppings!

Bah humbug, Christmas bollocks, sweaty aggressive shoppers, cold rain, slush, sneezes, dribbles, dead turkeys, crap presents, rubbish telly... Jesus Harold Corbett, I can't be arsed with this one!
Christmas is way too obvious a target and festive rants have become almost a tradition now. If you're stupid enough to be manipulated by this crass comercialised bullshit (and you are...we all fucking are without exception) then it's hardly surprising that the war in Iraq happened, that Blair continues as head bastard and that Bush's plot to bring the Book of Revelation to life is allowed to go on. We're all weak and spineless and crap. We moan, we groan, we complain and we whinge and yet we continue, we decorate, we eat sprouts and fight queues and all the while we're saying, "It's for the children really," whilst thinking, "Actually it's all for the fucking economy" whilst trying to ignore that really it's "All because we haven't got the balls to humbugger the whole bastard thing and call it quits."
So happy Christmas folks. I'm off to prop up the Scottish alcohol industry until New Year.

Monday, December 22, 2003

Even more Bull's Gonads

"The American Soldier" has been named Time magazine's "person of the year".

The weekly magazine says it is using the term broadly to include men and women in all branches of the US armed forces.

The editor of Time magazine, Nancy Gibbs, says US Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld suggested the choice when Time editors met him at the Pentagon in November.

"They swept across Iraq and conquered it in 21 days. (!? ... seems like both "Time" and GWB suffer from nationalistic priapism and premature ejaculation.) They stand guard on streets pot-holed with skepticism and rancor. They caught Saddam Hussein. They are the face of America, its might and good will, in a region unused to democracy. The U.S. G.I. is TIME's Person of the Year ."

Amidst this crock of patriotic hyperbole from Time (what has outed itself as the publishing arm of the US Department of Defence) I'm surprised that no mention of The American Soldier being faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive and possessing the ability to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

"The American solider was represented on the cover of Time by three helmeted and uniformed soldiers from an artillery survey unit of the US Army's 1st Armored Division nicknamed the "Tomb Raiders" after being assigned the task of searching for weapons in a Baghdad cemetery."

Seems odd to select the "Tomb Raiders" who seem to have been monumentally unsuccessful in their grave task of finding the legendary WMDs. Then again maybe Time has discovered that weapon which has always eluded the Americans ... irony.