Saturday, November 29, 2003

Diego Garcia - doesn't he run the tapas bar on the High Street?

The Ilois (also known as Chagossians) are one of the most poverty-stricken groups of people in the world. They are Creoles, claiming descent from the ancestors originating from India, Madagascar, Mauritius and Mozambique who were mostly African slaves or Indian labourers. Today they number around 7,000 and most of them inhabit an urban slum called Cassis on Mauritius, impoverished and marginalised from Mauritian society.
Life is very hard for the Ilois. They have a 60% unemployment rate (the rate for native Mauritians is 4% for men and 15% for women) and 45% are illiterate. Out of despair many of the younger Ilois men have resorted to alcohol, drugs and crime while many women owe their continuing existence to prostitution. The suicide rate is very high.

So what? There are cultures all over the world who have an even tougher existence.

On the 21st May, 2002, Jack Straw signed a document that effectively made the Ilois British Citizens as they were formerly inhabitants of a British colony. The problem is, the ungrateful wretches don’t want British passports. They want to go home.

Home is the Chagos Archipelago, a collection of tiny islands and atolls situated in the middle of the Indian Ocean, a thousand miles south of Mauritius. The largest island is a tropical paradise called Diego Garcia. The Ilois survived by fishing or cultivating sugar cane and coconuts. They didn’t have cars, telephones or any gizmo a western culture would consider essential to daily life life. But their culture has flourished in the archipelago since the early nineteenth century and what they did have was theirs – or so they thought.

The Chagos Archipelago is part of the British Indian Ocean Territory (BIOT), or what remains of it after the Seychelles gained independence in 1976. Its three thousand inhabitants lived their lives, bothering no one. But all that changed in 1967.

Just two words changed the lives of the Ilois - strategic importance. In the northern hemisphere the Cold War was at its height. The US needed a base within reach of southern USSR. Britain had the real estate that exactly fitted the bill – Diego Garcia. In a secret deal with the US, the then Prime Minister Harold Wilson, Britain, gave the US a fifty year lease on Diego Garcia and allowed them to establish a military base (the lease expires in 2016). The US Navy has a base on the island and so does the US Air Force (for long range B1 and B52 bombers).

Suddenly the Ilois found themselves labelled as “contract labourers” rather than an indigenous culture. Harold Wilson served up the archipelago to British and US politicians as “uninhabited” which was a cynical lie. Their existence officially denied, even refused birth certificates that could identify them as born and bred Chagossians, the Ilois found themselves illegally and callously disenfranchised.

Between 1965 and 1973 the entire population of the Chagos Archipelago was either conned into leaving their homes or, during the final phase in 1973, forcibly removed, loaded onto boats and relocated to the Seychelles or Mauritius (mostly to the latter). They were forced to abandon their homes, their furniture, their livestock, their land and the cemeteries that contained generations of their ancestors (which made a complete nonsense of the “contract labour” soubriquet even without the birth certificates). Cast adrift in a strange land, destitute and lacking the skills to cope in society completely alien to their culture, the Ilois were left to rot for seven years. Britain then offered some financial assistance but is was pitifully too little, too late and was rejected by the majority of Ilois. They didn’t want foreign money or to live in a foreign slum, they wanted to go home.

In 1982, the plight the Ilois people was championed by World in Action and by a Labour backbench MP by the name of Robin Cook. Cook conveniently forgot all about them when he became a cabinet minister. Perhaps, when he resigned and unleashed his venom against his cabinet colleagues, he also conveniently forgot something else the public ought to know about Diego Garcia.

With the Cold War over Diego Garcia was used as a refuelling base during the Gulf War in 1991. During Operation Desert Fox in December 1998, B52s flew from Diego Garcia base to launch a payload of 100 cruise missiles at targets inside Iraq. The war against Afghanistan saw both B1 and B52 bombers take off from Diego Garcia. The base also played a crucial strategic role during the war with Iraq earlier this year and seems set to be a valuable military asset for some years to come.

In an article penned by Jeremy Corbyn MP, Corbyn points out that, when papers relating to the Diego Garcia deal were released under the thirty year rule, it was discovered that, quote, “Labour ministers and officials were very aware of the Ilois’ existence.” Presumably so were the people, both British and American, who cleared the Ilois out of the islands and saw evidence that they were not merely a transient population – unless you consider 200 years of continued occupation transient.

And the price of causing three thousand people and the following generation abject misery? Five million pound knocked off the price of a Polaris nuclear submarine!!! The US pays no rent or any other remuneration for its occupation of a British sovereign territory.

The Ilois won a seminal victory in the British courts in November, 2001 when their claim to the Chagos Archipelago was recognised, as was the illegality of their removal from their homes. Unfortunately, Phoney Tony, world statesman and indefatigable champion of Human Rights, had his government swiftly launch legislation permitting the Ilois to return to the Archipelago but not to Diego Garcia.

This was too much for the Ilois. Denied their existence, thrown out of their homes without compensation and now winning a victory only to have it snatched from them, they launched a new lawsuit, claiming for compensation against the British Government for the loss of their homes and for personal injury suffered during their eviction and resettlement. Appeal Court judge Mr. Justice Ousely dismissed the Ilois’ claim, perversely accepting the argument of the British Government which insisted that the Ilois held the status of mere contract labourers and not natives and therefore possessing no legal claim to the islands. In effect, Bleugghh took the lie spun by Wilson to oust the Ilois from their homeland and used it to keep them out and not pay them a penny in compensation, and all in the spirit of the “special relationship”. Pity Phoney isn’t as ruthless with the likes of hate-preaching Abu Hamza.

The term “contract labourers” hints at short term occupation of the islands yet the Ilois and their ancestors have inhabited the islands since at least 1814. Some contract!!!!! What sort of legal footing does this give any small nation founded by slaves, the impoverished and the dispossessed?

The judge sympathised, admitting the Ilois had been treated shamefully. Yet he denied them compensation because their claim had now been time barred. This is rich given that the British government refused to recognise the existence of the Ilois for thirty years and they could only bring their case to court once official documents acknowledging their existence had been released under the 30 year rule.

The Ilois continue to fight on, not only on British soil but by taking their case to the American courts too. I wish them well in their quest for justice.

As a foot note to this scandal, the US now has a new, even more sinister use for its base on Diego Garcia. The base is currently playing host to some al-Qaeda terrorists. Among the “guests” being detained and interrogated is Riduann Isamuddin, alias Hambali. Isamuddin is the leader of Jemaah Islamiyah, the Asian terrorist group believed responsible for the Bali bombing earlier this year.

Given the US track record for its treatment of Muslim prisoners held without charge at Guatanamo Bay, Cuba, it’s very likely that similar conditions exist on Diego Garcia which is, of course, firmly situated on British territory. Despite the atrocities these prisoners may or may not have committed, what happens inside Guatanamo is an international disgrace. If this sort of thing is occurring on British soil, with the full knowledge of New Labour ministers, then it is a scandal that potentially equals the recent Hanson enquiry into the death of Dr. David Kelly and the allegations that Downing Street sexed-up a WMD dossier to make a phoney case for a war with Iraq. Could this possibly be the reason for Phoney’s oh so feeble attempts to castigate Dubya for his unethical treatment of Guatanamo detainees whose guilt (or innocence) has not been established?

I think we should be told.

Be afraid, be very afraid!

It is a quiet Saturday night downunder. It's 10 p.m. and it's still hot. The first big bushfires of the season are up and running. The wombats are all tucked up in bed with smiles on their faces. I read them a nice bed-time story. The one about Goldilocks and the 3 incredibly well hung bears.

I've nearly finished the slab of Fosters. Before I pour myself into bed I thought I should have a look at a site or six. Below are some snippets from some of the finest American blogs it's been my pleasure to try to comprehend.

Sarge's Stars & Stripes Bulletin

A Blog for Americans.........Respecting God, Country and our President! Items of interest for American Citizens and the Servicemembers of the United States Air Force, Army, Navy, Marines, and Coast Guard.

They, who have protected us in the past, protect us in the present and will protect us in the future, under God; we owe our FREEDOM and our THANKS! Now, have a cup a' joe and stay awhile. Ya' know I ain't always Right; but I'm never Left!

Hey you! Don't be a pinko commie! Support Capitalism, and support this website. Keep praying to Allah, boys. In a few years we'll be sending the Terminator after your ass.

One day the world will realize that the threat from Islamofascists has nothing to do with American foreign policy, or oil, or any other damn thing. These are people who have declared war on the west, and it is a war that the west simply must win.

Unfortunately I think that it is going to take another massive terrorist attack before some begin to acknowledge this indisputable fact.


Moments like this one reminds me of the President we all got to know right after 9/11, the man some of us already knew as Governor of Texas, a standup guy with his heart in the right place and a keen sense of what's right and what's wrong and humility and gratitude towards those who man the wall throughout the long, dark night, keeping us all safe inside.

THAT'S the Bush that fills me with pride, THAT'S the Bush that I have faith in and THAT'S the Bush that I'd go through Hell and high water for.

Right We Are! - a conservative, pro-US, Republican blog by two chicks on the Right side!

OK, I really dislike this asshat [Al Franken] and he may very well try to run for the senate. Well, I must admit I would much rather these celebs who are on the left put their money where their mouth is and run for office instead of just using their celebrity to run at the mouth and write books when that is not their job. In the past, it only seemed like Republican celebs actually got the balls to run and be a politician. Ronald Reagan, Sonny Bono, Fred Thompson, Arnold and so on.

These "movie stars" [Susan Sarandon and Martin Sheen] flap their lips but never actually step up to the plate and "DO" anything. The "Terminator" is temporarily giving up his movie career and getting into office! He's not just at some movie premier flapping his lips.

I hate this woman [Barbra Streisand] more and more each day. What else is new in her little rich bitch world besides more pissing and moaning? Frankly I'm surprised she has not gotten together with the pile of poo Michael Moore to make more movies with lies.

Welsh Titbits

Dirty Sanchez: Channel Four Friday Night

Now here's an original premise...a group of sad tossers whacking each other as hard as they can with rulers, elastic bands, large slabs of metal etc. Nothing like Jack Ass at all really, except with gentials on view, bad language not bleeped out and Welsh accents.
Having witnessed last night one mindless bellend slapping his testicles into a snooker table pocket whilst his mate took pot shots at them (bursting his scrotum in the process I should add...thus displaying exactly how much balls a stunt like that requires) I think I can quite safely say that the bravest thing these lads could do would be to admit that they were masochist homosexuals and have done with it once and for all.

Friday, November 28, 2003

For the one you love.

This on the queries log:

cheap arse presents

Blue Poofter (from the BBC Innovations Division) presents - the DIY Christmas butt plug. Take some sticky-back plastic, some recycled Christmas cards and tinsel. Roll them altogether into a tight wad (geddit???) and shove them up the starfish of your loved one.

If you are a bloke seeking something special for the wife/girlfriend/slapper in your life that isn't going to deplete the Crimbo booze fund then Poundstretcher has everything you could wish for.

If it's my other half searching the net out of desperation for a wifely gift idea then please take note that I've just ordered that eight grand orgasmogizmo on your credit card you cheapskate sod.

Has the Rampant Rabbit had its day?

An orothpaedic surgeon in the US discovered that, while stimulating various nerves in a female patient's spine during an operation performed while she was conscious, it resulted in her achieving an instantaneous orgasm. The doctor has now devised an implant that only needs the touch of a button for it's female implantee to achieve instant sexual gratification whenever she desires.

There is one drawback. For a price tag of £8000 I would expect not only the earth to move but the universe as well. Guess I'll have to wait for the cheaper, more discrete Japanese model to hit the shelves of the well known High Street chain of sex stores.

Premature Ejaculation?

This on the queries log:

jonny wilkinson & wanker

To my knowledge Jonny has not yet had the (questionable) privilege of being personally congratulated by Phoney Bliar in front of a media photocall. Surely a missed opportunity Phoney Baloney will not allow to endure for too long?

Put on a frock, a bit of lippy and a pair of sensible shoes and stop the big dry getting you down.

'Fun guys' wanted for Miss Outback quest

The [ironically named] south-western Queensland town of Augathella is urging young men to join its Miss Outback quest.

The male-only competition is in its second year and organisers say they are looking for entrants who do not mind having fun and who are in touch with their feminine side.

Trisha Arden from the Augathella Cultural Association says it is hoped Miss Outback will provide some light relief from the severe drought in the region.

"It's not just the women suffering, it's the men, it's whole families and people really are looking to have a night out to just forget the drought," she said.

"It really lift people's spirits - last year people had something else to talk about for a little while - so I think that's what the issue here is, just having a little bit of fun."

I'm just not going to make a comment.

Thursday, November 27, 2003

Another joke found on the internet this week that wasn't about Michael Jackson.

Tony Blair is attending his weekly briefing at Buck House. As he and the Queen sip their Earl Grey Phoney begins to speculate about what the UK should call itself if he and not the Queen should rule.
"It could still be called the United Kingdom I suppose," said Phoney.
The Queen looked at him over her glasses. "You are not a king so the word kingdom would no longer be appropriate," she replied in her stately voice.
"How about empire?" enquired Phoney.
The Queen shook her head. "No that won't do at all. You are not an emperor so you cannot rule an empire even if Britain still had one."
Phoney smiled the ingratiating, toothy smile he normally reserved for assuring people he wasn't a liar. "Then what would you suggest Ma'am?" he asked of the sovereign.
The Queen took another sip of tea. Then she fixed her Prime Minister with a shrewd stare and smiled faintly.
"I believe the term country would do very nicely," she replied.

A joke that I found on the internet this week
that wasn't about Michael Jackson.

US Attorney General John Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school.
After 15 minutes speaking he says, “I will now answer any questions
you have.”

Bobby stands up and says: “I have four questions:
1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
2. Why haven’t you caught Osama bin Laden?
3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties?
4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?”

Just then the bell goes off and the kids rushed out to play. Upon
returning, Mr. Ashcroft said: “I am sorry we were interrupted. I
will answer any questions you have.”

A little girl called Julie stands up and says: “I have six questions:
1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
2. Why haven’t you caught Osama bin Laden?
3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties?
4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?
5. Why did the bell ring twenty minutes early?
6. Where’s Bobby?

Wednesday, November 26, 2003


As the Soham murder trial continued at the Old Bailey yesterday, the jury were treated to Ian Huntley's version of events.
According to Huntley the girls had visited him on the evening of their disappearance, one of them complaining of a nose bleed. Being a good, kind-hearted soul, Huntley had led the girls up to the bathroom where he ever-so-slightly accidentally knocked one of the girls into a bath full of water. He had filled the bath in preparation for washing his dog, Trixie-licks.
It was only a tiny, accidental tap but enough to knock the schoolgirl unconscious and force her to somehow drown in an inch of bubblebath.
Unable to fish her friend out, presumably due to the fact that she'd swallowed four tons of lead before falling into the bathtub, the other girl began to scream. Huntley felt it necessary to stifle her sobs by ever-so-gently placing his hand across her mouth. And blow me...if she didn't suffercate!
Naturally seized with uncontrolable panic Huntley then cut off the girls' clothes with a pair of scissors (as you would) and drove their dead bodies down to the woods in the boot of his car before carefully dumping them.
On the way back three pixies leapt from the bushes and told him that he'd better not tell the truth to the police. The pixies then left on a very fat pig with small stubby wings known as Cecil.
Coh! What are the chances of that happening eh?

Elsewhere, Tony Blair has decided to conduct an, "I'm honest I am..." campaign. The idea is to allow the public to voice their opinions on what he should do to cheer them up in the future.
All together now...

Water Carry On

Three weeks ago I received a circular from the company that supplies water to my area. Included in the bumpf was a mention about the British Government’s intention to mass medicate British people with fluoride via the water supply. I was given the opportunity to record my opinion (which I did) with the assurance that the result of the poll would go to the relevant government office responsible for public health.
I opted for the online poll and made my feelings clear – for the sake of children’s teeth wouldn’t it be preferable to teach them oral hygiene rather than oral sex?
We are duly informed that fluoridation is harmless. It will prevent tooth decay and prevent diseases in later life.
Yeah, right.
What they don’t say is that the chemical they want to introduce to a population whose bodies are already under toxic attack from pollution in the environment is itself the by product of the aluminum and fertilizer industries.
Yes that’s right.
They want to dump an industrial pollutant in our water supply.
Phoney Bleugghh is very good at telling us what is good for us. He forces our kids to have the MMR vaccine or nothing at all. We are still awaiting confirmation that young Leo has been vaccinated but Bleugghh is keeping annoyingly schtum thus fuelling speculation that Leo has not had the jab the courts have shamefully foisted on at least two children despite their mothers objections. A growing number of parents are now risking the health of their children in fear that the MMR vaccine has the potential to do worse damage.
Then there is Tone’s unhealthy obsession with GM crops. Fortunately things are not going his way at the moment. Even his pet experts have to admit that the commercial introduction of GM crops in Britain will result in widespread pollen pollution. Lovely!!!!
Now he wants us all to take our medicine even if we don’t want it. Fluoridation appears to be a nice little scam to get people to pay for the disposal of a poisonous and, in many cases carcinogenic, industrial waste via our water supply. Obviously this is what the bastard is talking about when he tells us of his commitment to clean up the environment.
Fluoridation is intended to strengthen the enamel of children’s teeth. Fluoride toothpastes are designed for the same job and, yes you’ve guessed it – the fluoride is the same byproduct of industrial processes and not the pure stuff most of us think has been clinically concocted in some pristine lab.
While fluoride is initially good for strengthening the enamel of children’s teeth it is also associated with:

Thyroid cancers and other cancers

Dental and skeletal fluorosis – irreparable damage to teeth and bones through the ingestion of excess fluoride – there is also fluoride in many process foods so how the hell do you restrict the dose?


Alzheimer’s Disease. Fluoride from the aluminium industry all too readily absorbs aluminium and other nasty metals linked with this appalling condition. It is not purified before being sold as a "harmless" additive to water.

The list goes on but I think that by now you get the gist of what Tone wants for us. Fluoride is also an active ingredient in Fluoxetine (Prozac) which has a tendency to turn otherwise normal people into happy, vacant zombies. And the laugh is we are told that bottled natural mineral water is bad for us because of the (usually harmless) bacteria found swimming in it. The Dental Association is concerned that children who drink mineral water instead of fizzy pop are at risk of dental decay because they are not taking in enough fluoride. I rather thought that not drinking fizzy pop is itself a protection against dental decay. What I say is fuck the experts who are promoting mass medication in the face of scientific research that links fluoride with life threatening illnesses. As for me, I’ll take the germs over Phoney every time.

Pink Revolution Latest!!!

“We caught them in flagrante delicto,” said Constable Quentin Spiderpoke of London’s Thought Police, Lavender Hill Division. “When Colin Straightbloke was ordained as Bishop of Battersea we just knew it would only be a matter of time before we caught him officiating over a bi-sex marriage. He has now been taken to Greek Street HQ where he will be given a thorough probing. ”
“It’s disgusting,” said Assistant Commissioner Brenda Beanflicker. “An affront to our politically correct minority sensibilities. We won a seminal victory when the word “marriage” was finally expunged from government records and documents. Then it was a positive step forward when hetero marriage was no longer recognized in British law and having the word marriage removed from the dictionary was the icing on the fairy cake. Personally, I don’t think I can ever rest until heterosexual relationships are outlawed entirely and children conceived by artificial insemination. Maybe psychiatry can help these poor deluded non-gay souls.”
Bishop Straightbloke last week organized the protest supporting the cause of disenfranchised straight couples and their children. Millions marched On Downing Street to protest the decision of Prime Minister Tony Bleugghh’s government to wage war on old fashioned Christian values and bi-sex family units other than his own. Unfortunately the PM wasn't at home. He remembered, at the last minute, he was scheduled to hold talks with a delegation of Welsh and Yorkshire farmers in the north of England who are seeking to give sheep equal legal status on a parity with sponges and gusset typists.
Yesterday Bishop Straightbloke was determined to free his millions strong flock from what he describes as the oppression of politically correct “pink Nazi” minorities. “I’ll be buggered if I give up,” he said grimly.

Praise the Lord! Praise Allah!
Those nasty, elusive WMDs found at last!!
Apologies expected from Doubting Thomases.

One of the Eeyores of mass destruction
undergoes precautionary full cavity search.

" The Palestine and Sheraton hotels in central Baghdad were hit by a volley of five rockets fired from donkey carts at about 7:15 this morning.

Three donkey carts covered in hay, a common sight in Baghdad in the early morning, were found loaded with home-made concrete rocket launchers with steel tubes. They were housing either 107-milimeter Soviet-made Katushya rockets or 122-milimeter Brazilian-made Aspro rockets, powerful weapons that can hit targets at a range of 10 miles.

The donkeys attached to the carts were all tethered to trees and the rockets were set off by a home-made system using timer fuses and car batteries. One was outside the Palestine Hotel and another outside the Oil Ministry."

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

Despite all those nasty things people say about George, you have to admit ... HE'S A COMPLETE ARSEHOLE!

Bush, who wore a U.S. Army jacket over his blue shirt and dark tie, drew whoops of delight from assembled soldiers when he vowed revenge against those who have slain Americans.

"Anyone who seeks to harm our soldiers knows that our great soldiers are hunting for them." He again said U.S. resolve would not be shaken and a stable democracy would be forged in Iraq "because the United States of America will not be intimidated by a bunch of thugs."

Fort Carson has sent 12,000 soldiers to Iraq and suffered large losses, including four soldiers killed in a Chinook helicopter shot down over Falluja Nov. 2.

"Every person who dies in the line of duty leaves a family which lives in sorrow and comrades who must go in without them," he said.

Bush uncharacteristically* singled out one victim, Staff Sgt. Daniel Bader, 28, of York, Neb., who died in the Chinook crash and left a wife, Tiffany, and a 14-month-old daughter.

The White House has said in the past the president cannot pick and choose which funerals to attend and to whom to pay tribute without potentially offending other families who do not receive presidential attention.

But Bush used the Bader death *to make a political point, quoting the words of the dead soldier's wife from a newspaper account.

"I'm going to wait until she is old enough to realize what has happened, and I will tell her exactly what her daddy did for her," Bush quoted the widow as saying of her daughter. "He died serving his country, so my little girl could grow up free."

In his speech, Bush didn't mention Elaine Johnson, whose son Darius Jennings was one of four Fort Carson soldiers on the Chinook helicopter that was shot down Nov. 2.

When Johnson was at the Fort Carson chapel a week ago for her son's memorial service, she wondered aloud why the president had visited South Carolina in the week of her son's funeral but had not bothered to attend or to send any message to her or her family.

"Evidently my son wasn't important enough to him dead for him to visit the family or call the family," she said then. "As long as my son was alive he was important, because he sent him over there to fight a war."

AN ARSEHOLE, A COMPLETE ARSEHOLE ... but an arsehole that comes up smelling of roses (roses fed by the blood and bone of others) to Johnny and Tony.

Monday, November 24, 2003

Rugby Players Do It With Odd Shaped Gnadgers...

Georgian rebels celebrate the humiliating defeat of the Ozzies at the hands of the Poms by waving the English flag in front of the Parliament building.

Why am I reminded of the armless, legless Black Knight from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" ?

"Brig. Gen. Mark Kimmitt said coalition offensive operations continue the length and breadth of Iraq. He said the attacks anti-coalition forces are launching on coalition troops are "insignificant." Kimmitt said the coalition is facing an enemy that cannot defeat it militarily. "In engagement after engagement, we see the enemy breaking off and running away,"* he said. "Militarily, their attacks are insignificant against coalition forces."

Kimmitt would not discuss specifics about the soldiers' deaths Sunday and rebuffed all questions about the circumstances. "We're not going to be ghoulish about this," he said.

Reporters asked how U.S. troops have changed tactics against the enemy that seems to want to get closer to coalition troops. "There are offensive operations that we have conducted recently -- Iron Hammer, Ivy Cyclone, Rifle Blitz -- that are causing us to get awful close to the enemy as well," Kimmitt said. "Every time we fight them, we win. Our soldiers are not afraid of this enemy. This enemy is not well-trained; he may be clever at times." He said overall the country remains stable, and all forces are on the alert."

*Would someone please send Brig. Gen. Mark Kimmitt a manual on guerilla warfare.

"Terrorism is a technique. It is not an ideology or a political philosophy, let alone an enemy state." Jonathan Steele.

If this pic doesn't appear it's because is down or bandwidth exceeded.

(FYI Twisted. Hot linking.)
If this pic doesn't appear it's because is down or bandwidth exceeded.

Dear Dr. Twisted, I had a few minutes to spare and thought I'd just crimp this off...

Dr. Twisted would like to introduce you to the declaration of a very sensitive young man who wants to reach out to the world so that he can share the pain of his encounter with a black-hearted faction that so threatens his cosy security and rose tinted vision. His words come from the heart so Twisted, out of the kindness of her own cold and stony heart, is happy to oblige him.

Yo boy said:

Repeat after me: realize that nothing I say matters to anyone else on the entire planet.
My opinions are useless and unfocused. I am an expert in nothing. I know
nothing. I am confused about almost everything. I cannot, as an
individual, ever possibly know everything, or even enough to make editorial
commentary on the vast vast majority of things that exist in my world. This
is a stupid document; it is meaningless drivel that I do not expect
any of the several billion people on my planet to actually read. People who
do read my rambling, incoherent dumbfuckery are probably just as confused as
I am, if not moreso, as they are looking to my sorry ass for an opinion when
they should be outside playing Frisbee with their dog or screwing their life
partner or getting a dog or getting a life partner. Anyone who actually
takes the time to read my bullshit probably deserves to ingest my fucked up
and obviously mistaken opinions on whatever it is that I have written about.

And Dr. Twisted replied:

Don’t be so down Yo. I took the time to read your bullshit and while it might have been rambling it was surprisingly coherent. And of course what you say matters – somewhere in time and space and in a galaxy far, far away. I’m sorry you feel that you are an expert in nothing but hey – we can’t all be perfect can we? I know I’m not. You need to feel more positive about yourself. Buy that Frisbee! Walk that dog! Invest in a more tarty lip gloss for your inflatable life partner! Your sorry ass opinion, after all, is hardly going to change people’s lives, especially the crew of ROTW, so don’t let your confusion dumbfuck your own life. We at ROTW don’t take ourselves too seriously and we are amazed that anyone so deeply affected by our personal opinions and satirical observations should open himself to us in such a way. We are touched but not, apparently, as touched as you. Dr. Twisted recommends that, for the time being (or at least until you get through puberty), you refrain from hanging around blog boards containing material written by warped English bastards who steadfastly refuse to believe the sun of righteousness shines out of either Dubya’s or Bleugghh’s arses or the arse of any other politician you care to nominate. If such knowledge offends and injures your tender young psyche then I suggest you go visit somewhere more therapeutic and in keeping with your age – like the Teletubbies website.

Thank you for sharing your innermost feelings with us Yo. I believe everyone is entitled to an opinion. I found yours amusing and worthy of an honorable mention in despatches. Naturally, as a twisted, black-hearted, English bitch, I find that you epitomize the soubriquet of dumbfuckery. However, it is also my opinion that you are as miserable a bastard as any blogger who posts on this site. And this fellow miserable bastard, in recognition of this fact, salutes you.

Have a nice day now.

There Aint No Sanity Clause's cartoon de jour.

Another Mandy Moment.

Senator Amanda Vanstone, Australia's heavy-weight Minister for Immigyration, says there are hundreds of boats in Australian waters at any one time and it is possible they could carry terrorists.

"I don't have particular advice with respect to whether any particular boats have [terrorists on board], but I mean boats can carry any number of people with any number of occupations and any sort of intent."

There Aint No Sanity Clause.

Sunday, November 23, 2003


I thought I would be speculating on how long it took Bleugghh to claim England's Rugby World Cup victory for his own but it seems that Joke Chirac has already beaten him to it.
He has claimed England's triumph as a victory for Europe.
A victory for Europe?
I think not, especially since Johnson's lads despatched the French national team in classic style.
When that twenty-seconds-to-spare drop kick flew off Jonny Wilkinson's boot he wasn't thinking of a European victory or giving advantage to any screw-yer-arse politican. He triumphed for his team; for the English fans; for England. So cobblers to you Wanker Chirac!!!
Never before have I watched such a nail biting match. I applauded Tuqiri's first try for Australia because it was so audacious. I applauded even harder when Jason Robinson scored his own try. And Wilkinson's foot continued to send the ball sailing between the uprights giving England a 5-17 lead at half time. Then all through the second half I was biting my nails, willing Elton Flatley to miss the penalties handed to him by the seemingly endless mistakes of the English side. The Wallabies pressed hard and I marvelled at their skill and tenacity (between the cussing) as they exploited every single mistake. By this time my nails were nibbled to the quick. And when the ref gave a penalty to the Aussies in the closing moments of the match, which allowed them to equalise, I was beside myself, groaning with the agony of it.
Both teams played brilliantly; England in the first half and Australia in the second half. But someone had to lose and I am overjoyed that this time it wasn't us.
The result more than made up for the shame brought upon us by our serially shite English cricket team. And Jonny Wilkinson outshone the serially thuggish, over paid and overrated football brat, Wayne Rooney, in both coolness of talent and decent behaviour on the pitch. They call football "the beautiful game"??? Kiss my ring!!! It's rugby all the way for me; a game played by real blokes rather than nancies in alice bands. Besides, Rugby players fill their strips far better than football players ever could and the raw energy they exude on pitch leaves this girl in a real lather. Gimme beefcake Johnson (and that Tuquiri's a bit of all right too) over weedy Beckham any day!!!
My congratulations to the English side for their stunning win and my commiserations to Sedgers for an equally stunning loss.