Saturday, March 01, 2003

Confusion surrounds Turkey's decision on US troops

"Turkish leader Tayyip Erdogan has described a parliament decision refusing Washington military access to Turkey for a potential war against Iraq as a "completely democratic result".

So far Washington has only said that it is seeking "clarification" of the result* after initial reports suggested the deployment of 62,000 American troops on Turkish soil had been approved.

The vote, carried out behind closed doors, ended with 264 votes for and 251 votes against with 19 abstentions providing the government with an apparently slim victory.

But the opposition Republican People's Party challenged the result on the grounds that the government had not won the 267 votes needed for a parliamentary majority.

It is thought the government may still present another similar resolution to parliament later this week."

* President Gore Bush has despatched election scrutineers from Palm Beach County, Florida to examine the result. The right result is expected in a matter of hours.

Thought for the Day.

"We will remain in Iraq as long as necessary and not a day more." George W. Bush.

Editor's note: An interesting addendum/sidenote to this issue (well...I think it's interesting anyway and anybody who thinks otherwise can bugger off to their favourite porno site rather than come complaining to me) is that Turkey borders Northern Iraq. Northern Iraq whilst, officially, being part of Iraq is actually not under Saddam's control and is instead run by a Kurdish government. They consider themselves a separate that harbours a long and unpleasant history with the Turks. Any military spearhead from Turkey will involve both American troops and Turkish agreement reached between Turkey and America along with America's lovely fat financial backhander. The Kurds hate the Turks. The Turks hate the Kurds. Any Turkish troops entering Northern Iraq will be looked upon as an invasion force. This means a completely different war to the one intended will break out almost immediately, the American's having to become 'Peace Keepers' rather than using Northern Iraq to advance to Baghdad. The whole idea of using Turkey as a platform for an attack on Saddam is laden with doom from the outset. Furthermore, it's an extremely costly mistake, the sum of money being handed over to the Turkish government for this stalemate situation being estimated in billions of dollars. Keep paying those taxes to the Bush administration know it makes sense.

Deputy Editor here to allay the Editor's fears of the shit hitting the fan a propos the Turds and the Kurks. Prime Miniature Howard is brokering a deal whereby Greek observers will monitor the conduct of the Turkish military command. Contrary to the Editor's "bearish" outlook, I would take a "bullish" view of this investment. It may well be that the American taxpayers are getting value for their money. As always the proof of the pudding is ... Only when Turkey has been fully relocated to Texas will we really know, but have to say I'm pretty upbeat about the takeover.

Special Guest Appearance: Tony Blair (British Prime Minister...for now)

Hello everybody. I've decided that as "The Rant of the Week Blogger Board" is one of the most powerful media tools around today, and seeing as so many of it's countless millions of followers are anti-war...with legitimate reasons, of course, even if they are ignorant and stupid and wrong...and I do feel there is a great deal of anti-American sentiment going on around here...dare I say it, even cynicism...which shouldn't be tolerated...especially against the most just and politically correct British Government in the whole of history ever...we're all in this together you know? You've just got to trust me. Alright, I know my wife was hanging around with an Ozzie con-man for a while...but so's the editor of this board. And Cherie's underhand dealings are all in the past indeed are Jack Straw's and Peter Mandleson's and the rest of the cabinet's. And John Prescott's transvestite days are long over too. The editor here mind is still running this site with that bearded Australian bastard Bill Oddie or whatever his name is. Anyhow, where was I? Oh yes, my reasons for being here...

I put it to you all in a nutshell that you're wrong about the war against Iraq. In case you haven't realised it yet Saddam Hussein is a very naughty man. He killed millions of his own people with chemical weapons. Weapons supplied by the British and American governments perhaps, but we sold them to him for legitimate reasons...namely for bug control and weevil eradication. And he also used weapons of mass destruction against Iran. Yes, it's true that we told him to use them and even gave him the weapons to use and showed him where to bomb and when to bomb and how to bomb and all that. But he didn't have to follow us blindly, did he? That was just an evil thing to do.

Sometimes, you know, a Prime Minister has to do what's right for his country regardless of what that country's people think. Or the rest of the world. Or the religious leaders. Or his own political party. Or God. You see, I'm on a personal mission. Yes...I am. To spread democracy around the globe and make everybody happy and free. Power to the people and all that. (Er, no...better ammend that bit David before we post it...are you sure you can see what you're editing there?)

The point is this, and again I put it to you simply because...well, frankly, you're all a bit thick and wouldn't be able to understand me if I used big words...the truth is that bombing the crap out of hundreds of thousands of innocent people is morally superior to keeping an oppressive regime contained. Don't believe me? Ask General Pinochet then. And besides, Baby Jesus has told me to kill the towel-heads, so that's that. If you want to take it up with him then that's your perogative. But in the meantime the Iraqi War is scheduled for March 27th. If you don't like it, then go home and get an education. What do you mean, you can't have one of those unless you're rich now-a-days. You'll just have to trust me then. Look how big and brown and trustworthy my puppy-dog eyes are. See...I wouldn't harm a fly.

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No! No! No!

White House criticizes Iraq showdown coverage.

The White House and Pentagon yesterday criticized news coverage of the Iraq showdown and other military matters in a sign of increasing acrimony between the press and administration. "You're covering the process as if it was a baseball game," White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer told reporters. He accused journalists of missing the big picture on the Iraq story by distorting daily developments. Although criticism mounts against Saddam Hussein, Mr. Fleischer said, the press emphasizes expressions of doubt from wavering allies such as France and Russia. "You're looking at every step that is taken — every hit, every pitch, every strike — ignoring the fact that history has shown that during this consultative process, you will be able to write any type of story you want about any of these types of statements," Mr. Fleischer said. "But the focus is on the outcome for President Bush."

Ari, Ari, Ari! Hissy fittish and self servingly arrogant ... not to say a tad incomprehensible. Methinks there might be the odd *outcome* for your average innocent Iraqi. The *big picture* might be a little difficult for these people to appreciate when they are reduced to a disembodied puff of smoke.

Hours later, at the Pentagon, Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld scolded reporters for "prematurely" reporting on the outcome of U.S. military talks with the Philippines. He suggested it was symptomatic of widespread misreporting. "You get told things every day that don't happen," Mr. Rumsfeld said at a news conference. "It doesn't seem to bother people; it gets printed in the press; the world thinks all of these things happen.

"You get told things every day that don't happen". Don baby, you ought to know all about that. How many times have we been told that the elusive Mr. Bin Laden was going to blow up the Golden Gate Bridge, the Whitehouse, Heath Row Airport, the Sydney Harbour Bridge and the Strathmore Bingo Hall. When I last checked they all seemed to be intact, in fact I donned my anti-anthrax, anti-smallpox, anti-ebola virus, anti-mine, anti-macassar, anti-scud clobber and cleaned up very nicely during "Eyes down" time last night. Thank you umpire, thank you ballboys, thank you two fat ladies.

But let me leave you with a wonderfully ironic and "people in White glass houses" Ari-ism ...

Such criticism follows a dispute between the administration and CBS News over Dan Rather's interview with Saddam earlier this week.

"This interview is a good early indication of something that journalists are going to face," Mr. Fleischer said. "Journalists still have to ask themselves these questions about the responsibility to accuracy — knowing that the Iraqis are nothing but propagandists and deceivers."

"And American media are going to have to ask themselves: Do you put these paid liars and propagandists on the air to show this? "

Yes they will Ari, they'll keep covering your press conferences.

Ever wondered what Dubya would look like as a cover girl?

No, me neither, but you've got no choice.

(I don't know who that one was originally, but it looks like Jennifer Aniston now...)

Fed up with having to scroll through those long-winded, never-ending archives to find the rant you want?

Deputy Editor Terence bin Sedgwick is certainly tired of having to stack endless archives on top of one another night in, night out, and regularly complains about how rubbish his salary is.
Well now you can say, "Get Stuffed!" to all that!

The RANT OF THE WEEK OMNIBUS: ISSUE ONE is now available in print.

Faster, meaner, tastier! Larger breasts! Fatter wombats! Signed by the Acting Editor! What more could you want? (Well...plenty probably...but that's the offer anyhow.)

Full details on how to order your copy can be obtained by clicking here!

Free cover with every book! Order now! You know it makes sense!

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Searchers for the Bush Blair love song are providing a goodly number of hits on this blog. (Even our little Swiss cousins are dropping by.) However I think they have a long way to go to catch up with the dedicated followers of "Ulrike's rapist" and "Connie Hug's tits".

And why would anyone be referred to this blog if they were looking for 10 - 13 year old lolita porno? We at The Rant of the Week will have no truck with 10-13 year old porno! We pride ourselves on providing the very latest, hot off the schoolyard lolita porno.

I feel a defamation suit coming on!

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How did they know that? Has to be more than coincidence.

I feel the Department of Homeland Security coming on.

FYI Hughes.
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Friday, February 28, 2003

Far be it for me to side with the Hawks (sounds like one of them macho-American football teams that, doesn't it? All muscles and testosterone and hidden homosexuality in the showers afterwards..."Where's the soap?" "Yes, it does, doesn't it." Er, where the fuck was I? Oh yeah...siding with the Hawks...) in the up and coming war but lately I've been adjusting my opinion towards Iraq.

Firstly, so what if a load of American and British soldiers die on the battlefield? They're only men! And stupid men at that who can't earn a proper living and haven't got the bottle to work for a woman! If they have to fight each other because their balls are bursting and they can't cop a grope then it's better they do it in the middle of a desert somewhere rather than outside the pub where innocent lesbians might end up embroiled in their fucking-about and decent middle-aged women end up raped. Let them fuck each other to death out there in no-one's land, that what I say! Scatter the desert with the bleached bones of the warmongers and the testosterone empowered chauvinists. Women have more sense than to get involved with such stupidity.

Secondly, and more importantly, the sooner we've got rid of that rampant homophobic and woman-hating tosser Saddam Hussein (just look at that tash...there's a closet anus tickler if ever there was one) then the sooner we can get back to more important issues, such as women's rights to bear dildos, carry stun guns in case of male-aggression and remove the testicles from the off-spring to prevent future outbreaks of violence. ('s in accordance with that male bastard Prime minister's foreign policy...pre-emptive strikes to prevent future conflict.)

Fucking morons the lot of them! "Cast not your seed on stony ground." That's what Jesus said. By the time they've finished blowing each other's bollocks to bits there'll be a damned sight more than seed out there. Mind you none of the detritus will be brains.

Thursday, February 27, 2003

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Trite, but appropriate.
Oh my God, the sky is falling in!Oh my God, the sky is still falling in!Oh my God, the sky is still fucking falling in!
Helpful graphics from the Department of Homeland Insecurity

But what could these graphics really mean?

"In this time of war, real Americans eat red meat only! Fish and poultry may be terrorists."

"If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell."

"If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting."


George Wally Bush abandoned his usual Thursday afternoon tea party today to address the American nation...along with any others, whose names he couldn't remember, who might have been listening at the time. "After regime change in Iraq," he said proudly...having looked up the word "Regime" the night before in his "Bumper Garfield Illustrated Dictionary" and remembered it correctly..."Iraq will shine like a beacon of democracy."

More like a fucking bonfire I'd say.

Elsewhere, in the darker continents, Tony Blair was still recovering in hospital this morning from last night's rebel revolt. (Apparently Luke Skywalker and Darth Blair met on the balcony of the Lords before engaging in battle. 100,000 innocent Londoners were killed as the debate wore on...but, hey, fuck 'em...they're not like the rest of us so they're not important.)

Over 120 backbenchers voiced their opinion against the party whip's wishes, voting against Tony "I'll put it simply so you can understand" Blair's handling of the Iraq Crisis and ensuring that their once beloved P.M. (now P.M.S.) received an almighty kicking to his metaphorical goolies. (I say doubt many of them would have been glad to put the boot in physically if Uncle Tony actually had any balls for them to connect with.)

In a recent poll conducted by the Government Office for Manipulated Statistics a staggering 119% of the population of Britain are now against the impending war. "You're all fools!" laughed Blair maniacally from his BUPA bed. "You were all anti-American before! Now you're anti-British." Deputy Prime Minister, fat bastard and Wigan South Pie Eating Champion of 1997, John Prescott, immediately acted on his mentor's diatribe, drawing up blueprints for a full-scale invasion of Britain. "If the people won't comply wi' the government's wishes," Prescott slobbered in his richly fabricated northern accent. "Then we 'ave no other option but t' kill 'em all. It's fuckin' 'umiliatin' is all this...and that's sommet we're not goin' t' stand for." At which point his tiny legs snapped beneath the full ballast of his guts, thus proving his point.

This afternoon the Archbishop of Canterbury (The Anglican Church's equivalent to the Pope, only not quite so little and hunched and squeaky) was sworn into office, several ministers, including our beloved Uncle bin Tony who'd been let out of his ward on afternoon release, standing outside the cathedral muttering "...fucking turncoat..." beneath their breaths.

Di the Bishop (or whatever his name is) is apparently the first Archbishop of Canterbury in over four-hundred-thousand years (I'm measuring in worm-years here...since the thirteenth century to the rest of us) to be Welsh. The choir sang, "We'll keep a welcome in the hillside" for his ordination as the sounds of bleating rose from the vestry. Apparently he's also an honorary druid and after Holy Communion he went on to slaughter a pig, dangle its entrails over the horrified congregation and wrap some mistletoe round his cock as part of his ongoing fertility treatment.

Dr Williams (I've remembered his name now...) said that he could see a case for gay couples getting as long as at least one member of the couple was a woman. And preferably covered in wool. He then went on to conduct a minor's miner's choir, with a singing steam train in the middle of it, in a rousing chorus of Max Boyce's, "It's great to be a stereotype."

Wednesday, February 26, 2003

Critics accused of killing the great chefs of France

France's top chefs railed against the pressures of their job and the power of the critics after one of this food-obsessed country's culinary giants committed suicide, apparently because of a bad review.

Bernard Loiseau, 52, whose restaurant and inn La Cote d'Or in Burgundy is one of the undisputed temples of Gallic haute cuisine, was found dead in his bedroom on Monday, his hunting rifle by his side.

"He tried to do too much," said his wife, Dominique. "He was worn out; he'd just had enough."

Others were harsher. Mr Loiseau, they pointed out, had managed to retain his priceless three stars in the Michelin Red Guide, but lost a devastating two points in France's rival foodie bible, GaultMillau, falling from 19/20 last year to 17/20 in the 2003 guide."

"Bravo, GaultMillau, you've won," declared the legendary Lyons chef Paul Bocuse, 80. "Your verdict has cost a man's life. We cannot let ourselves be manipulated like this: I'll give you a star, I'll take one away; I'll award you two points, I'll deduct them. The profession will respond."

Another tri-stellar restaurateur, Jacques Lameloise, said Mr Loiseau had once told him that if he lost a star he would commit suicide. "The critics play with us," he said. "They mark us up, they mark us down. I think that's what made him crack."

Marc Veyrat, who this year became the first man to be awarded 20/20 by GaultMillau, said chefs at this level were "like fragile little boys, under pressure from all sides: from ourselves, to do better every time; from the public; and then, when we've reached the summit, from the guides and the critics, swords of Damocles hanging over our heads ... because for us, where we are now, there's only one way to go".

What a pack of pathetically jelly-backed, creme caramellic prima donnas!. Top Aussie chefs are made of much sterner stuff.

Years ago Master Chef Harry Edwards of "Harry's Cafe de Wheels" was at the top of his game. Celebrities queued up to just get a smell of his gourmet delights.

"Harry's Cafe de Wheels" had been awarded a '5 Cork Hats' rating for an unprecedented 12 consecutive years by the bible of Australian gastronomy, "Geddit Indyu Tout Suite". A regime change at the publication, a public health campaign against genetically modified offal and a number of unexplained, but legume related deaths saw 'Harry's Cafe de Wheels' slowly stripped of its titfers. In 2001 'Harry's Cafe de Wheels' received a single ignominious "Newspaper You Borrow From A Perfect Stranger To Put On Your Bonce Because It Looks Like It Might Rain" award. Was Harry gutted? Was Harry going to top himself? Was he going to steal recipes from Delia, the Queen of Lard? Was Harry going to start shagging Nigella?

Not on your nelly! Harry just snooted his cock at the critics and carried on doing what he did best.

In 2002 Harry sold just 7 pies. He's been at the crease for 2 months this year and is yet to open his account, however in an interview last week he said he was quite hopeful.

"Things looked like they might be turning around. I heard that Pommy sumo wrestler bloke Johnny "The Gullet" Prescott is out here and he doesn't mind fangin' a bit of nosh and I've heard he'll eat anything what's got a letter of the alphabet in its name.

And now that Shane Warne has been outed for 12 months he can chuck out all those dianetic pills he was taking and pork up again. He used to be one of my most regular customers. Loved his pie and peas on a bed of caramelised baked beans he did. Washed the lot down with a six pack of palate cleansing "Harry's Cafe de Huiles Vegemite Thickshakes" he used to. That bloke is not only the greatest spin doctor the World has ever seen, he's a bloody fine gourmand to boot.

And I got meself a website.

And while I'm here I suppose I'd better give a bit of a plug for the bloke what I get my meat from for the pies. You can visit his web site where it tells you all about him.

"Butcher Brian Hughes has two shops; one for fresh meat and the other, diagonally opposite, for cooked meats. A small narrow shop, it looks as if it is untouched for generations; indeed it is one of the last of its kind, cooked meat shops being almost a thing of the past. Most everything here is roasted and you will find ham, ham hocks; belly of pork complete with crackling; breast of lamb; juicy faggots and a rich and gelatinous brawn that for once is a natural dusty gray rather than a chemically induced pink. Everything is sliced by hand so you may have to wait but do pop in, there are not many shops left like this in Britain."

Spot on, people hang around my establishment for hours waiting for his juicy faggots with their rich and gelatinous brawn to arrive ... judges, priests, members of parliament, you name 'em.

The House of Commons met today to debate whether Tony Blair was great or not, ironically (actually on reflection, there's nothing ironic about it) the Conservatives coming out in favour of the large-eared dictator whilst the back benchers continued their revolt. Tonight the Commons will vote on whether the government is 'taking the right steps with regards to the Iraqi Crisis'. In other words...if the rebels vote 'Yes' to Uncle Tony following the UN route as he has done (just about) so far, then whatever he decides next will be taken as read and, therefore, unstoppable. On the other hand if the rebels vote 'No' then the Primeminister can simply say, "Okay...the UN route isn't working. Let's bomb the bastard instead."

No win spin!

Kickstarting the impassioned debacle, Tony bin Blair made the following speech to rally his forces together:
Never in the desert of inhuman conflict will so many innocent people die so much for so little fuel.

We will fight them in the Red Cross depots. We will bomb them in the gutters. We will synchronise our homing missiles against their sharp and pointed sticks.

And let it always be said, that no matter how long this Great American State of ours may continue, that this was our blindest hour.

Other news and the courts have decided that in the case of the IVF mix-up that lead Mrs A and Mr A to give birth to Mr B's child (what a coincidence them all having such alphabetical names eh?) Mr B is the legal father despite the fact that he's never even met Mrs A. I wonder if she's now going to sue him for maintenance?

I was watchin' the news the other night with Our Brian ('ee's a good lad on the 'ole...blunt as a ballbase bat an' as misguided as an 'omosapien's knob, 'scuse my Twat, but not a bad sort right down at 'eart) an' that nice Mr Blair wot's in charge of the conservative party and wot wants t' kill all the nig-nogs in Istanraq was on. 'Ee was givin' a speech about 'ow Saddam Butterfly (or wotever 'is name is) used biodegradable weapons of mass disruption against 'is neighbour Irania.

Our Brian suddenly gets 'ot beneath 'is poloneck an' pipes up, "We already know that, Jug Ears! It was America wot gave 'em the weapons in the first place. An' they gave 'im full permission t' use 'em an' all!" Well, I was shocked. Me old 'eart leapt up into me scraggy throat, it did, an' me surgical stockin's fair old crackled wi' electricity.

"'Ow dare you!" I says, pointin' a threatin' finger at the scallywog! "That's our blessed Prime Minister you're talkin' to there! 'Im wot sorts out our pensions an' decides 'oo's goin' t' go to 'eaven and all that stuff!"

"I wouldn't bank on gettin' a pension off 'im for much longer," Our Brian replies. "That bastard's tryin' t' make the state pension obsolete. If 'ee 'asn't destroyed the world by the time 'ee gets round to it, o' course."

Well...I couldn't believe wot I was 'earin'. Our Brian usin' the 'bastard' word in front o' me. Me! With me 'eart and me veins and me constitutionals. Me infertility bag almost swelled up t' burstin' point, it did! So I grabs 'im by the scruff o' the neck an' I says, "Listen 'ere my lad! We'll 'ave none o' that Bullshevit rubbish talked in my 'ouse!"

"But this is my 'ouse, Gran," the upfart responds all 'aughty like, although slightly croaky 'cos of me strangle 'old on 'is throat.

"I don't care for none o' that," I says with dissolve. "You're committin' blasphemy y' foul mouthed fucker, 'scuse my Lavatory. Wot makes you think y' know better than the Primeminister, eh? Bloomin' ignorant twit! If my 'Enry was alive, God rest is sphincter, 'ee'd be an 'undred and thirty-three. Now get in that bathroom an' wash y'r mouth out wi' soap an' water...if y've bloomin' got any! An' while you're about it y' can empty me bag an' all!"

I'm an 'undred an' four, y'' the attitude of the young today is nothin' short o' diuretical.

I think there is little surprising or remarkable about this story. They are the very protocols and practices that our esteemed editor enforces with an iron gall bladder fist. They are the very protocols and practices that have made the Rant of the Week the fearless, ground-breaking, iconic journal of record which is read by millions each day.

Tuesday, February 25, 2003

Speaking to the Commons today, Tony bin Blair once again put forward his reasons for bombing the shit out of hundreds of thousands of innocent people in Iraq against the wishes of his own electorate. Having come under mounting criticism in recent weeks, he has finally allowed Parliament to 'debate' the Iraqi question tomorrow. (Very generous I must say.) There are, however, certain conditions that have been set on the debate, namely that 'the possible war' shouldn't actually be mentioned. ("Possible" war? Come on were quick enough to remove the word 'socialism' from clause four of the Labour Manifesto, what's taking you so long about removing the word 'possible' from your never ending rhetoric?) Shades of Basil Fawlty screaming, "Don't mention the war!" spring to mind here.

Having a debate about Iraq without bringing up the question of 'possible' conflict wouldn't so much be a debate as a one-sdied argument in favour of Uncle Tony's stance. Somehow I suspect the back benchers won't be paying much attention to their great leader's request. Not that it matters. Regardless of what Parliament decides Tony is working for a greater purpose now. Either way the pendulum swings the situation is set...Britain's new boss, George W. Bush, has reached his own conclusion and everything else is just academic.

Long live the freedom of the West. God bless democracy. I know...I've said it all before, but then again, so has Uncle Tony. He's like a record needle stuck in the centre groove. Frankly it's embarassing. I can only reason that Tony believes if he repeats himself often enough we'll all get bored and go back to our normal, every day lives.

For once he might be right.

This Week: Delia Smith's Arteries!

With Britain's arteries becoming increasingly narrow, causing untold chaos and jams due to badly furred veins, and with back-logs of corpuscles never before witnessed in this culinary realm, congestion charges are now being levelled at Delia Smith and her fellow 'Cookery Cohorts'.

"Something had to be done," commented Ken Livingstone this morning. "Somebody had to stick their leg of lamb on the line, and those cowards in government couldn't afford any more bad policies after the pro-Bush debacle. So it's been left to me, once again, to put a stop to this misery before we reach total colon-block."

And Red Ken has good reason to blame Dowdy Delia and her terrorist puddings. On last Saturday's show the simple act of making mash potato turned into the sort of glutton fest more normally seen when Christopher Biggins masturbates.

"The bloody woman added half a pound of butter, a bottle of olive oil and several buckets of whale fat to what was supposed to be a simple bit of squashed spud," commented Cyril Duck, a spokesman for the Health Service currently undergoing treatment for his swollen haemorrhoids. "I could 'ear me bleedin' pulminaries creak just watchin' it."

Delia, of course, isn't the only lard-loving flab-queen at large in Britain. Anthony Worrel Thompson (egg and wife batterer maitre-de) not only manufactures 'Meals of Mass Digestion' but, apparently, consumes them by the bath-load himself.

"I blame the BBC," said Mrs Coldsore during a pre-med to have her septic boil lanced. "All they ever have on cookery programmes these days are things boiled in fat, sprinkled with fat, rinsed, diced, sautéed and fried in fat...all washed down with a large glass of lard dipped in vegetable oil and wrapped in a pound of goose fat for good measure." She then passed out as the anaesthetic took control of her tiny mind.

So, what's the answer? Well, Uncle Ken thinks he knows. "Every time some t.v. chef uses cooking oil to cover up the fact that his/her meals are crap," he commented. "We're going to charge them a dozen gallstones. It might sound steep but it should put a stop to the morbid obesity rise in the country."

When asked to defend himself against the accusation that this was just, "The rich food not being allowed the same benefits as the poor," Ken replied, "You can strain disgusting meals through as much kitchen paper as you like, but a lump of shit caught by a piece of bog roll is still, at the end of the day, just a turd."

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Woman Takes Bite Out Of Man's Scrotum

Although Valentines Day is Friday, one couple's love-bites got out of hand, to the point where they both had to go to the hospital.

While this may not be a Wayne and Lorena Bobbitt case it does come close: very close.

54 year old William Frank Reese didn't want to be interviewed on-camera, and you can probably understand why.

He says his live-in house keeper, 39 year old Tommie Lorene Burnette, bit him in his thigh and penis, and then chewed off a chunk of skin from his scrotum.

Marion County Sheriff Bo Burnette said "the officers arrived on the scene, and saw both parties had wounds and been fighting. So both parties were arrested."

Sheriff Burnette, no relation to the woman in this story, was too embarrassed to describe on-camera the details about what happened.

He says for some still unknown reason the couple got into a fight Monday night, and Ms. Burnette then went nuts.

The Sheriff says after the woman bit Reese's scrotum, she spit the chunk of flesh into the front yard, where one of several dogs outside ate it.

Marion County investigators say Ms. Burnette was taken to Grandview Medical Center and treated for bites to her face and ear.

Deputy Jim Prince says Mr. Reese was taken to jail where officers noticed his injury. He was later treated by doctors for "a big hole in his sack."

Sheriff Burnette said "it's very unusual. Most domestics are not this bad, you know. Usually it's a black eye or something. Usually the wounds are not this bad, so it's something uncommon."

Ms. Burnette and Mr. Reese are free on a $1,000 bond, and are sceduled to appear in court on domestic assault charges.

Mr. Reese said the flesh wound is "not that big a deal," adding his testicles were not seriously injured and will be OK.

Copy cat crime. I vaguely recollect a similar report from Jones Grove, where the male in question concocted a story about a gall bladder complaint to hide his embarassment about the real reason for his hospitalisation.

O.K. Saddam IS an evil dictatorial prick with a human rights abuse record that should get him banged up for the next 200 years. However I wonder if George, Condy, Colon and Donny have paid a cursory glance at the human rights record of some of their friendly Arab "good guys". Maybe not in the same league as our despised Saddam, but hardly admirable practices even in the eyes of the leader of the United World of America desperate for allies to make the World a better and safer place. When George's Crusade is all over let's hope the 3 year old kidnapped Bangladeshi camel jockeys are still alive to enjoy the better, safer World.


"It is absurd to impose on an individual or a society rights that are alien to its beliefs or principles," Saudi Arabia's deputy premier and effective head of state Crown Prince Abdullah bin Abdul Aziz told the U.N. Third Millenium summit in New York on September 6. He warned of "the ramifications of unbridled globalization and its use as an umbrella to violate the sovereignty of states and interfere with their internal affairs under a variety of pretexts, especially from the angle of human rights." The kingdom's fourteen million citizens and six to seven million foreign residents thus continued to be denied a range of basic rights guranteed under international law.

Freedom of expression and association were nonexistent rights, political parties and independent local media were not permitted, and even peaceful anti-government activities remained virtually unthinkable. Infringements on privacy, institutionalized gender discrimination, harsh restrictions on the exercise of religious freedom, and the use of capital and corporal punishment were also major features of the kingdom's human rights record.

Saudi Arabia continued to provide refuge and financial support to Idi Amin, the exiled Ugandan leader whose regime was responsible for a reign of terror that left an estimated 300,00 dead in the 1970s. After fleeing Uganda in 1979, Amin arrived in the kingdom at the invitation of the late King Faisal and reportedly has since been protected by government-paid Saudi guards. A journalist with Uganda's New Vision newspaper interviewed Amin in Jeddah in 1999 and reported that he had moved from his home in the city center "to a more exclusive area...mainly occupied by powerful oil sheikhs."


“This is the worst job in the world. The people of this country – I give them work but they make me a slave”
Jakir. UAE camel jockey. Now aged 8. Abducted at 2 years of age.

The United Arab Emirates (U.A.E.) city of Dubai has a reputation as the glitz capital of the Persian Gulf – where fabulous oil wealth makes everything possible.

Home to the ‘Dubai Cup’ reputedly the world’s richest horse race – the city also hosts another multi billion dollar sporting industry – camel racing – an enterprise built on the backs of the world’s poorest children, some of them abducted and enslaved to work as camel jockeys.

South Asia correspondent Geoff Thompson travels to Dubai to report on the Sport of Sheikhs – It is a story the leaders of this Gulf state didn’t want told.

For wealthy Gulf Arabs, camel racing is a passion – where winning is everything, laws are ignored, and jockey’s lives squandered. The smaller and lighter the jockey – the faster the camel. Since 1993 jockeys under 15 years of age have officially been banned, but trackside, Thompson discovers jockeys as young as 3, children from Bangladesh, Pakistan and other Third World countries. Sold by poverty-stricken parents, they are smuggled to the UAE and traded to camel racing syndicates. Camel riding is a dangerous business where injury and death are common.

Despite the overwhelming evidence of abuse and underage jockeys, UAE authorities remain in denial “It is absolutely impossible….to find a jockey who is below 15 years of age and it will never happen” says Khalsan Khamees, head of the Camel racing Federation.

Edited transcript from "Media Watch" (the National Broadcaster's programme that attempts valiantly ... in 15 minutes ... to highlight the pecadilloes of the Press and the general shortcomings and devilishness of the Meeja).

Where are our troops?

24/2/2003 "Three hundred of Australia's finest steamed out of Sydney Harbour this morning, bound for the Persian Gulf. They're marching orders, 'Prepare for war against Saddam Hussein'." Channel 10 News, 23 January 2003

That was a month ago and just about the last we ever heard of them. The three ships that left Australia have now arrived in The Gulf, but as far as the Australian public goes they might almost have fallen off the map. It's all very peculiar. The day he farewelled SAS forces on their way to The Gulf, the minister for defence Senator Hill was asked -

Reporter: Senator, the troops are going with great fanfare, what assurances can you give that there will be proper media coverage of Australia's involvement in the gulf.
Senator Hill: What assurances can you give me? You're the media.

Reporter: [indistinct] laughter
Senator Hill: A lot of media have already pre-deployed but not many Australian media I noticed. (24 January 2003)

And there's a simple reason for that, minister: you're not letting them. American journalists are already with American units in the Gulf and their reports are now wall to wall on American television. But Canberra hasn't allowed our journalists anywhere near our forces.

Senator Hill: "We will, as we have done in the past support the Australian media in their efforts to do that, if that is their wish and as you probably know there has been some discussion between defence and media representatives in that regard and we do understand the need for a public to have the right to evaluate circumstances as they develop."

Unhappy discussions. The Dept of Defence had hired mega law firm Clayton Utz to draw up a stricter agreement for journalist to sign before they're given their accreditation. Following resistance from the ABC, News Ltd and Fairfax, more work is being done on that document, and last Friday, the military gave the press the amazing news that,

"all journalists intending to cover coalition operations must seek accreditation from US Central Command HQ in the Gulf"
The Australian, 22-23 February 2003

So the Americans will be running not just the war, but the media too.


Monday, February 24, 2003

Following his split from the Archbishop of Canterbury and the Pope, the Right Judgmental Reverend Tony spin Blair would like us all now to join him in the NEW Lord's Prayer...

Our Father,
Which art in Washington,
Accurate be thine aim.
Resolution come,
Thy will bomb,
The birth place of Muslim heathens.
And now let us trespass,
But not forgive those who have trespassed against us,
And give us this day,
Our one million dead.
Lead us fast into the Iraqi nation.
For it is really thine Kingdom,
The power and the glory,
For ever and ever,

Time for a bit of sense, a bit of statesmanship, a bit of gravitas and a dash of zeitgeist.

"I believe there's all kinds of brilliant and smart and capable Palestinians that, given the chance, given a chance to emerge -- and by the way, people committed to peace -- and given the chance to articulate that vision of peace will do so."

Suddenly it's hip to be anti-war. Six months ago, when the rest of us were having to put up with, "We saved your bony butts during World War Two," and, "Something has to be done otherwise Saddam could kill us all in our beds with his Anthrax-stuffed-in-a-sock bombs," etc the majority of the Great British public were siding with George "The Butcher of Texas" Bush and Tony "The Butcher of British Socialism" Blair...God bless 'em and their little cotton thongs.

Then came the arguments. The statements of the obvious for the lateral thinkers. The history lessons and the morality. Collateral damage took on a new and more realistic meaning. Those of us who'd been arguing against this blatant act of aggression found ourselves in an interesting new position. For once in the political minefield that is right-wing Britain, common sense was starting to win ground. The newspapers were forced to shift opinion or suffer sales losses. The protest marches (whilst not swaying the government's position...and let's face it, whoever realistically thought they would?) suddenly highlighted the fact that most right thinking people in this septic isle had seen the light and were willing to stand up in the name of resistance no matter how futile that might be.

Then came the Brit Awards.

Always controversial...always pathetic. Appealing to the emotionally stunted, the adolescent minded and the desperately shallow.

And suddenly the brats are shouting, "Thanks for this award! None of us are going to live to appreciate it if Bush gets his way. But it's one heck of bang to go out on." ("On which to go out," you illiterate morons!)

And so the anti-war movement gets set back by at least twelve months as the opportunistic, gate-crashing, gravy-train riding molluscs of the music industry surf the tide of genuine public opinion with their own brand of cash-in enterprise.

On the one hand it's good to have the 'influential teeny poppers' backing the cause. But opinion generated purely for the sake of sales is almost as worthless as the mass manufactured crap that's being digitally pulped from their lucrative studios. Fair dinkum to George Michael, mind. He's been complaining about this farce since before September the Eleventh. He was hounded out of America and back to Blighty with death threats from war-loving, gun-toting decent American citizens for his song about Blair and Bush if memory serves. But as to the rest of them...baggy trousered, rap-crapping retards with smooth chins and photogenic, unthreatening, sexually ambiguous, androgynous faces...morons thrust into the limelight with the political understanding of boiled whelks and the sort of mentality that only Barrymore could love...well, seriously!

Fair do to the literate, the right minded, moral and thoughtful amongst them. But "fuck off and pester somebody else" to the Stock, Aitkin and Waterman simpletons whose political dishes consist of "fame, fortune and idolisation to impress our lesser-spotted school chums" without being able to argue a single issue either in favour of or against the impending disaster.

'Nuff said.

This is what Setev would call hilriuos. To see and hear the Bush Blair duet love song CLICK HERE. "The Born Again Righteous Brothers"? The downside is that the movie is 5megs. (Uncle Brian ... "don't try this at home" unless you have installed the latest Heath Robinson particle accelerator.)

Editor's note: Fortunately, Terry, I don't have to construct any additional hardware from old planks and lengths of knotted string. The Bush/Blair love song with accompanying video (always assuming it's the same one) was shown on Channel 5 News last week...prompting one to think that, other than Ulrika Jonnsen's latest sexploits, there was very little else happening in our currently trouble-free world.

Sunday, February 23, 2003

Smoking Seriously Harms Your Social Status!

You can't go anywhere these days, if you're a smoker such as I am, without having some tosspot coughing into your face (cover your mouths you dirty bastards...I don't know about passive smoking but it's a proven fact that coughing openly spreads all sorts of diseases) or without running into some anti-freedom-of-choice 'No Smoking!' sign. They're everywhere. On the trams, in cafes, in hospital wards. There's even one in the local crèche now! I ask you, what's the point in that? The little bastards are too young to smoke anyway!

Last week the ever health-conscientious British government finally banned tobacco advertising once and for all. Yeah, that's going to stop us! No more adverts. No more amusing "Government Health Warning: Smoking gives you cancer!" posters. Well, that's me cured. Oddly enough, they haven't banned alcohol adverts yet. In fact, more to the point, the television, radio and magazines seem to imply that if you're not in the pub on a Thursday, Friday and Saturday night pummelling your liver until its the size of a walnut, then there's something socially wrong you. You're a misanthrope. A social inept. A tea-totalling weasel with no more right to live in Great Britain than a refugee raghead.

There's been an astounding increase in liver cancer in young women (God bless women's women can be every bit as shit and stupid as men and not have to worry about it) over the last few years. This might have something to do with the fact that they advertise alcohol during Children's television.

Then again smoking is a disgusting, anti-social habit, isn't it? I should know. I smoke a cigarette, stagger round the house, throw up on the carpet, piss on the cat, beat my wife to a pulp, swear at the kids and then get in my car, plough down thirteen kids at the bus stop and finally shag some prostitute with AIDs and blame it all on the nicotine.

Perhaps if they managed to make some sort of liquid from marijuana then the government would legalise it properly and finally claim all that lovely tax.

Good to see someone is taking advantage of Doctor Uncle Brian's do it yourself medical advice.
Google Search: how do i get rid of bunions?
With any luck the answer to this can be provided as well.


Dwayne had been absent the day his class did fellatio.
This on the queries log:

"barrymore pool jokes"

Don't you mean Barrymore's defence is a joke?



As I sat watching the news about Bleughh’s cringeworthy visit to the Vatican I came over all conspiracy theoretical.
We are made to understand that Holy Tone, an Anglican, needs to top up his sanctity at least once a week and accompanies Saint Cherie, a devout grasping lawyer (Surely you mean Catholic? Ed.) and his Catholic children to the local Catholic church.
Tone has spoken of converting to Catholicism but, after the Pope’s public rebuff, that may not be any time soon.
So what’s the conspiracy here? Well, our blessed leader dangled the multi-billion pound contract to build aircraft carriers for the Royal Navy in front of Chirac’s nose. Who’s willing to bet that Bleughh would have sacrificed the ailing British shipyards and thousands of British jobs, had the French supported the looming offensive against Iraq? Chirac told him to fuck off so the contract went to a British company.
Sadly, Bleughh hasn’t yet learned that there is no dealing with the French on his terms, only on theirs. They are treacherous and hostile and keen to see Britain sidelined or out of the EU (no bad thing there!) as quickly as possible. And Bleughh is willing to give up precious vetos to appease these back-stabbing toad-suckers.
The only bargaining chip Bleughh seems to have with the Pope is his willingness to swap feet. Why he believes the Pope should consider the soul of an arrogant pipsqueak Prime Minister be more important than tens of thousands of Iraqi ones is beyond me. The canny old Pope stuck to his guns though and did a “Chirac”. Bleughh, after years of imbibing all the cheap wine, cruddy crackers, cloying incense and going to the trouble of dragging the wife all the way to Rome on a wasted mission, must have really felt gutted and betrayed by his adopted religion!
Like I said, don’t expect our blessed leader to convert just yet.

Yet another example of New Labour, same old bollocks.
It seems that not all foreigners who go cap in hand to court to squeeze money out of Britain are equal. You can be a refugee, an economic migrant, even a terrorist, never pay a penny to this country and be welcomed with open arms and an open public purse.
What you can’t be if you are a Gurkha in the British army, whom pays tax, serves to protect British interests, sheds blood or perhaps dies, is to be treated as an equal and expect parity in pay. According to Mr. Justice Sullivan, differential treatment is acceptable because the Gurkhas are from Nepal, one of the most impoverished places on Earth.
I am ashamed that the Gurkhas have been, and continue to be, treated in such a mean, shitty way by a judiciary and a government who owes them much and who supposedly embrace egalitarian values and right-on PC views. Treat unwelcome guests in the same way and prepare for a tidal wave of outrage to come crashing down around us. The hypocrisy of it all will take your breath away.
Hardly anyone has spoken up for our friends from Nepal so I will.