Saturday, September 14, 2002

Me too, me too!

And we've both got these.

But back some time ago it seems Dubbya didn't quite have them.

"The Vietnam war was a painful time for America. Many young Americans were drafted and died thousands of miles from their loved ones. Young men of privilege had a clear advantage - few of them went to Vietnam, securing positions in the National Guards of their respective states. George W. Bush was one of these men, securing a place in the Texas Air National Guard in spite of a waiting list of several hundred. However, he claims that he did not receive special consideration, which is clearly a lie.

Most of the young men lucky enough to get into the Guard fulfilled their obligations. George W. Bush did not. He was absent without leave, AWOL, for over a year. Not surprisingly, this got little attention from the corporate media.

There are no witnesses left to verify whether or not Bush fulfilled his Guard duty, and no witnesses left to verify that he did indeed receive special treatment. In spite of a substantial reward that has been posted, no one has come forward to claim that he fulfilled his commitment."
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??? A temporary Blog bug.

Oldest Known Penis Is 100 Million Years Old.
Fri Sep 13,11:45 AM ET

LEICESTER, England (Reuters) - Sex was first recognized in the fossil records more than 500 million years ago and the oldest known penis is about 100 million years old, a conference heard on Friday.

It belongs to an ostracod, an early crustacean related to crabs, shrimps and water fleas, and was found in a fossil sample unearthed in Brazil.

"To my knowledge it is the oldest penis. I don't know of any older," Professor David Siveter, of the University of Leicester, told the British Association science conference.

Dinosaurs were around 100 million years ago but the only known dinosaur fossils are of bones, not soft tissue.

In fact the ostracod fossil had not one penis but two. (CHERCHEZ LE COFFEE I say.)

Siveter, an expert in paleontology, believes ostracods are very sexy animals because they have the second longest sperm in the animal kingdom. A one millimeter ostracod can produce a single sperm 10 millimeters long.

"An ostracod has the longest sperm to body ratio of any animal known to man, so clearly it has to have special equipment to deal with the sperm. It doesn't have one penis, it has two. We found the two penises in a 100 million year old fossil." (Cherchez le Coffee and Joan Collins I say.)

"The US, contemptuous of the UN, indifferent to the criticisms of friends and neighbours, reserves the right to invade this country or that to effect "regime change" in defiance of international law. And Bush has the audacity to talk of rogue states with weapons of mass destruction.

Another year of living dangerously. Be afraid. Be very afraid."

From article by Phillip Adams. (Another proud pisser into the wind.)

Friday, September 13, 2002

Brian, I'm sure that's O.J. in the red pick up.

At an inquest today into the death of a thirty-one year old man found floating in Michael Barrymore's swimming pool last year, an open verdict was returned. According to the ITV news the man had suffered massive sexual damage, had been high on drugs and alcohol and....



....the man had suffered massive sexual damage? What the fu...? mean that Michael Barrymore had stuck his penis up the man's arse and ripped his colon to shreds?

The ITV News: Protecting the reputations of celebrities on the ITV pay-roll by use of enigmatic wording since 1969.

Incidentally Terry...I've been trying to work out what George Bush Two (This Time it's Personal) has tattooed on his knuckles in the photograph you posted below. The nearest I can make out is 'Left' and 'Right'...

Dubbya introduces America's newly appointed Secretary of State.

(For Morgan's benefit, I am reliably informed that Tony has an awesome set of cans.)
"in my humble, yet very astute opinion, the essay written by that american fellow was a horrendous waste of time."

Morgan, cynicism like that annoys me ... if you hate this world so much should take the advice of that traditionally-brown-toothed-star-spangled-banner-wearing Brit and consider moving to Vulcan instead. However your cynicism really annoys me because (and wash my mouth out with carbolic soap for saying this) dammit, you are probably so right.

Notwithstanding that, I do love the warm moist yellow glow that can be obtained by pissing into the wind, if you get my incontinental drift. It takes me back to old Rev. "Spellcheck it and they will come" L******* who at one of his Bible classes told me somwthnigs I shall never froget (other than "If you are very good and pay attention Mrs L will show you her ....") "Give piss a chance." (which Rev. L. said was something he thought of himself, and he'd never heard of anyone called John Lemon) and that "It is better to light one candle than to sit cruising the duckness." I carry these thoughts with me to this day, and one day I'm going to go totally postal worker and get Rev. L******* for imbuing me with such a deluded neo-Marxist Pollyanna view of the World.

"and now, with adding a touch of relevance to this blog as my goal ... a gal with nice cans" Nice to see Mrs L. again ... I was very good and paid attention, and those cans are burnt into to my retina to this day. Some others at Bible class were not good and paid no attention and they were shown a thing or two to go on with by Father O'Brien.

Administration after Administration secretly funded Jim Henson conditional upon him providing cute, fluffy, funny talking leaders for regimes...

Kismit the Frog.

...jump ahead 300 years

To a time when Bush's descendents will have fulfilled the prophecy of Planet of The Apes. Oddly enough, Organ of the Morgans, I'll have to take issue with you here. (Not like me, I know, but I've got half an hour to kill before Robot Wars comes on and another month before Raghead Wars starts its brand new series.) 300 years in the past America was under British Rule (probably...I don't know the exact dates and, quite frankly, I couldn't give a shit), whereas today it's quite the reverse. Political rants en masse can fundamentally change the perspective of a generation and, closer to present times, Vietnam goes a long way to proving this. However...I did enjoy the photograph of the breasts and would welcome more input of this nature.

While I'm here...I might have been a bit harsh on some of my American cousins recently. To balance matters a bit, going back to last night's Question Time, Michael Moore was asked by some traditionally-brown-toothed-star-spangled-banner-wearing Brit (I am ashamed and shall emigrate immediately...although not to Australia) "If Michael Moore hates Britain and America so much then perhaps he should consider moving to the Arab states instead." Unfortunately Michael wasn't given a chance to respond, so I shall take the dais for him. My reply to the gurning, Blair-supporting twat: "If you hate your fellow humans so much that you want to bomb the shit out of them regardless of what they've done, then perhaps you'd should consider fucking off the planet altogether."

One last footnote for Mr Morgan: With regards to the ranting, like the musician who was asked why he'd performed the minute waltz in thirty-three seconds, "Because I can."

And besides, it's a great way to insult loads of people under the guise of being considerate.

Brian :o)

The Sedgwick view of jumping ahead but 3 years
The newly elected American President.

in my humble, yet very astute opinion, the essay written by that american fellow was a horrendous waste of time. yawn. do something worthwhile for dan's sake (dig a hole, for example). fellow bloggers ... you are spending way too much time frolicking in what ordinary folk perceive as reality. jump ahead 300 years. in the year 2302 hordes of people will STILL be complaining about television (or the equivalent, thereof) ... a legion of people will STILL be complaining about their government ... knuckleheads aplenty will STILL be complaining about the bombing of innocent people .... who cares! it's been done before. old news. why apply white paint to a wall that's already white. hey, you're only on the planet for 75 years or so (if you're one of the unlucky ones), no point in wasting your life harping on crap that ain't gonna change. may i suggest you grab a pint of your favorite ale and doink the mammal of your choice ... repeat until you drop dead.

and now, with adding a touch of relevance to this blog as my goal ... a gal with nice cans:

"Now, Bush can now dangle the carrot. If Blair doesn't support his tyranical schemes then it only takes one phone-call to reinstate the always-eager-council-estaters-who-call-themselves-the-Irish-Republican-Army's development fund."

Hughes! What a load of conspiratorial old rope! Next you'll be telling the world, and any eavesdropping alien life form (AKA John Howard) that cares to listen, that America had a finger in the Allende overthrow.

That "another fine mess you've got us into" Ollie North was directly involved in secretly aiding the contras, selling arms to Iran, and diverting Iran arms sales proceeds to the contras. We know he was found not guilty, as was Hail to the Chimp 1 Ronnie Reagan. (Actually he was found insane ... by Pharoah's daughter floating down the Nile in a sawn off semi (pron: "see my") automatic coracle.)

That the Bay of Pigs was a paranoid, inept mission impossible masterminded by JFK, his personal tarot card reader and Tom Cruise, and not an innocent reenactment of the Boston Tea Party staged by the Bacon Futures Dealers from the big end of downtown Saskatchewan

That Richard "I love a good kicking around and don't mind giving Pat a few backhanders" Nixon was involved with the Watergate debacle. Everyone knows (except you it seems) that Dicky was playing cards at his local with a few of his closest friends. I have studied in detail the sworn statements to this effect provided by the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and Narelle the Bespoke Toothfairy.

That Administration after Administration secretly funded Jim Henson conditional upon him providing cute, fluffy, funny talking leaders for regimes overthrown by mass popular movements that couldn't possibly be, even in your wildest dreams, funded by the CIA, vested interests and the L******* Foundation for Old Fashioned Family Values (Stoning to Death for Adultery and Secks before Marryinginiage Division). I do however concede your claim that some of them went a bit "Chucky" after a few years in power.

Nonetheless ... get off the turps Hughes! Loose lips sink ships ... look what Jagger done to the Titanic!

Thursday, September 12, 2002

I've just been watching 'Question Time from New York'. (Well, Michael Moore was on it and he's always good for a laugh.)

One of the questions raised by some American member of the audience was, "What do the panel consider Britain's role to be in the issue of the 'War Against Terrorism'? Are they genuinely concerned or do they think it'll just make them look more important on the world stage?" (Or words of one syllable to that effect. And America wonders why the rest of the world hates them.)

Here's my theory why Tony bin Blair has got his tongue thrust firmly up Bush's purple sphincter when his voters are so obviously against military action.

Shortly after the September 11th attacks in New York Blair flew over to America (narrowly missing the Statue of Liberty but that's another story) showing solidarity with the tin-pot dictator chimpanzee. The following day, Bush's first act against the Al Quaeda network was to put an immediate ban on the transfer of funds to international terrorist organisations. (Sorry...organizations.)

One of those organisations would, of course, have been the IRA with whom Uncle Tony had been experiencing difficulties. Especially getting them to decomission their weapons and sit quietly round the negotiating table with the tea and biscuits.

America has long supported the IRA, the U.S.A.'s usual fuzzy logic being that somehow the British are oppressing those Irish voters who wanted to remain part of the U.K. The even fuzzier logic followed that blowing the shit out of their so-called fellow Irish men would somehow teach the British government a lesson. (Obviously it never once crossed the Irish-American's minds to actually return to the land they loved and just vote the bastards out..but, hey, that's American democracy for you!) cut a long story short, Uncle Tony pulled a deal. He supported Bush in his war against Afghanistan and Bush cut the funding to the IRA.

The deal worked...after a fashion. Devoid of weapons the IRA were forced to admit defeat and engage in the more usual political channels instead.

Unfortunately, Bush now wants to bomb Iraq for reasons best left to himself and his sterility doctor. Personally I don't think that the argument of "Oh...but we might get hurt if we ignore them" can justify a pre-emptive strike against an already fucked nation, but there you go. I don't hold with the same peace-loving, freedom-loving, caring and Christian politics that those who support this campaign obviously do.

Now, Bush can now dangle the carrot. If Blair doesn't support his tyranical schemes then it only takes one phone-call to reinstate the always-eager-council-estaters-who-call-themselves-the-Irish-Republican-Army's development fund.

Personally I'd like to see Northern Ireland rejoined with Eire.

1) Because if the people of Southern Ireland were included in the referendums I've no doubt the outcome would be very different.

2) Because, well, frankly, the place is a shithole.

Re Posting Below: Well spoken that man! (No...not Sedgwick. I said 'man' not 'wombat abuser'.) And might I add to his partially unpatriotic rant that last night's episode of Ally McBeal was shit. Not even Dame Edna could rescue it from the mire of self-indulgent bull-turds that it's planted itself firmly inside and I for one am glad that the series is finally reaching an end. Now perhaps we can have something decent on the idiot's lantern of a Wednesday evening...such as wall to wall coverage of various rag heads around the globe being blown to smithereens in the name of peace.

Before normal transmission resumes, (replete with the usual inanity, i'ony and scatology for which I died for all of you ungrateful bastards in the present war of words) I think this admirable and uncharacteristic posting from an American warrants a guernsey somewhere here.

I'm sure he'll be receiving a knock on the door at midnight from the Department of Homeland Security and Unka Tone's bovver boyos.

September 12, 2002

I am so frustrated lately by this pseudo-patriotism that serves merely as a whitewash to cover a deep and growing arrogance.

Let me explain myself.

As I've grown up I've been somewhat infatuated with my country and the values that it was founded upon. Freedom. Freedom from oppression. Freedom of speech. Freedom to criticize. Freedom to protest. Freedom to choose your own governmental representatives. Opportunity. Opportunity to work. Opportunity to serve. Opportunity to protect our liberties. For those values I have been, I am, and I always will be willing to lay down my life. Those are values I hold dear. They are blessings and should be viewed as such.

Yet as time has passed America has become infatuated not with the truths she was founded on, but infatuated with herself. A deep arrogance has begun to blossom. We are a conceited people, who demand vengeance for the wrongs done to us not so much because they were horrible deeds, but because they were done to us, Great and Mighty America. Who art thou to challenge our greatness? Who are you to pick on us? We have become the self-concious bully on the playground, seeking to get revenge for the sand thrown in our eyes. I do not consider the events of Septemer 11, 2001 as insignificant. Thousands were murdered that day, and I consider that the most abhorrent of evils.

I cannot articulate the sorrow and anger that wells up inside of me in response to the horrors committed. Yet also I find that I am deeply incensed at this conceit that wells up out of the general population. It is as if with one voice all are crying out, "How can you harm us!? As Americans we have a right not to be attacked! How dare you hurt mighty America!?" But who is standing and declaring the injustice that was done, and in turn crying out not for vengeance, but for justice?

On the surface it may seem insignificant. In either case, in fact, the response may be the same. But the underlying attitudes and motivations deviate wholly from that which this nation was established on. For when we seek not justice but vengence, we are becoming like the very evildoers who delivered that vile evil against us. Do we seek revenge or justice? An eye for an eye or the rod of discipline? Our we motivated by hatred or righteous anger? Are we filled with integrity or a blood lust?

If patriotism now means that I must declare my own existence more important that the existence of someone else on this earth, then I shall have no part in it. But if I can be part of a patriotism that declares that all men truly are created equal, that justice must be upheld, that freedom and liberty are great blessings to be held onto with joy, that these blessings are only considered "rights" when those who are given them are blessed with a government who acknowledges these truths, and that we have no place to be arrogant because we ourselves are but stewards of these great values, then show me the way, for I will spill my blood first to defend this form of patriotism -- a patriotism upon which that "Great America" was built.

Author:- Jeff McFadden

Wednesday, September 11, 2002

One question. Rhetorical perhaps, but a question that ought to asked regardless. If the tragic events that took place in New York twelve months ago had happened in Afghanistan or Iraq etc would there be the same international and focused media coverage as there has been today? The answer, unfortunately, is blatently obvious and only comments on the fact that there is something fundamentally wrong with the West's perspective on international affairs. An inherent bigotry within our culture. A cultural rift too wide to surmount and a xenophobia too embedded to uproot.

Apologies for the interuption to scheduled mourning. Normal bullshit will be resumed as soon as possible.

"It's hard to be cynical on a day such as this. It's also difficult to recall those events clearly now, despite last week's repeated, and some might say 'ghoulish', replays of all the deaths."

Keeping in mind the concept of "the medium is the message", it is hard not to be cynical about the "public" commemoration. Predominantly it is brought to us by television which has the shortest attention span of any media. It is at best a disingenuous,manipulative and parasitic medium, at worst, which is most of the time, it is exploitative and irresponsible. It will present the tragedy of bodies falling from the WTC then within a day, if not an hour, normal programming will resume with 2 year old Billy Jo Bob falling off the balcony into the swimming pool, scaring the bejeezus out of family dog on "Funniest Home Videos". It devalues most of what it casts its lense across. It has a limitless ability to turn pathos into "Low Fat" "Whiter than white" "Ring now, our operators are ready for your call" bathos.

It is hard not to imagine the commemoration planning. The artistic directors of the last 6 Olympics would have donated their services, the best vantage points auctioned off, tapes of Diana's funeral pored over for pointers and the commissioning of the most maudlin/patriotic background music. A commemoration that looks good on the screen must have greater gravitas than an unheralded, unremarked, dignified private grieving in a lonely living room. By the living Harry, the media is going to have gravitas ... marching bands, music, bells and whistles and Oprah and Jerry and David and Jay and Barbara. The sincerity of the medium is flagged and touted by a sonorous presenter informing us that this channel will be running the commemoration commercial free. Ah yes, we television companies know about sacrifice too, we share your grief.

Those victims (and I don't use the word innocent, some of them may have been right bastards as people. But what happened to them is no less tragic.) deserve better, MUCH better than what came to us out of the small screen.

Around the world this afternoon, spin doctors celebrated commemorated the tragic events that took place in New York exactly one year ago.

Following American tradition, British celebrities came out in force today to cash in on the greatest bit of television since Princess Diana's welcomed death. Before a super-imposed Union Jack, (rescued from the World Trade Centre and handed back to Britain this morning before being hung upside down on the door of Downing Street by David Blunkett) Dame Thora Hird and Lord Jimmy Tarbuck sang a medley of wartime songs, whilst the late Les Dawson's wife, Tracey, read from a collection of Cyril Fletcher's Odd Odes.

How fitting a tribute. Uncommercial and almost as dignified as the countless cries of 'American Patriotism' that accompanied the selling of Star Spangled banners shortly after the original event.

It's hard to be cynical on a day such as this. It's also difficult to recall those events clearly now, despite last week's repeated, and some might say 'ghoulish', replays of all the deaths.

But let's not forget the people who died in the Pentagon...firstly from an exploding truck as the initial press release ran, and then later from a Boeing inexpertly landed that it left no scorch marks and created a hole that was less in stature than the plane's wingspan allowed...and then, from a wreckage point of view, just vanished entirely.

Let's also remember all those brave people who tried to retaliate against the hijackers of the jumbo heading towards Detroit. Those heroes whose last few minutes of life are now unclear...the two American war planes spotted by witnesses flying away from the carnage shortly afterwards, obviously unable to aid their struggle.

And before we move on...let's remember the thousands of innocent peasants in Afghanistan who died happy in the knowledge that the Allied campaign to misplace Osama bin Skywalker was doomed from the outset.

Or the countless millions who have already died in Iraq by the hands of an oppressive dictator and knee-jerk U.N. sanctions. Not to mention the millions more who about to die as General Tony and Darth Bush regroup their storm troopers for another strike.

My sympathies to all those who lost their families in the disaster one year ago. It must be terrible having to put up with the crass, unfitting bullshit that the world and his wife are displaying today.

On this special occasion (brought to you exclusively by CNN) I shall leave you with this final thought. "We learn from Star Wars that we do not learn from Star Wars."

And please don't the Anti-War Effort. Buy a pea sweatshirt now from The Scrag Ends On-Line Store.

God Bless everyone...unlike he did 365 days ago.


Sam Kekovich my favorite ranter is back ... and as ever his digit's on the pulse of the nation.


Thank God we have a party in government which understands how to use the big stick, not only against soldiers disguised as starving women and children, on navy ships disguised as sinking fishing boats, but is prepared to take the necessary steps to attack them even before they think about piling their whitegoods and pianos into a plastic bag and heading to our shores.

We are the only country who is 100% behind marching into Baghdad and giving Saddam Hussein a short sharp kick to the head.

At this very moment there are a flock of nancy boys in the US and Europe who are advocating debating the merits of entering the fray.

We waited before we acted against Hitler, against Pol Pot, against Charlotte Dawson and they nearly brought us all unstuck. The next time we may not be so lucky.

I call on the USA to support Australia in our war against Iraq. If they don’t have the balls, so be it, we don’t need them. We had both World Wars won before the Yanks bothered to turn up and grab all the glory, and we’ll do the same in Iraq.

When I say that the country is 100% behind the invasion I am obviously not including the sorts of empty heads that prefer talk to action.

Our glorious leader has pointed out that we can’t discuss the issue in parliament because it would inflame debate. Debate is the very last thing we need. If we let our elected representatives sit around yammering for weeks before we decide to send troops into the teeth of the enemy guns are we really any better than Iraq?

We elect parliament to decide who gets to be in government not to be a glorified mother’s group.

We need this war for the good of Australia. Apart from anything else it will produce more refugees. We are fast running out of them and if something isn’t done soon we will have to go back to bashing up poofs.

You know it makes sense.

I’m Sam Kekovich.

Tuesday, September 10, 2002

Even Superman is cautious in these troubled times

I hope the secret location to where Mr Reeve is moving his fingers and toes will not be found by Osama bin Krypton.

Add your own caption here. (Even though the picture really says it all.)

In a recent poll the overwhelming majority of the British Public (more than eighty per cent in fact) said that they didn't want Britain to join forces with America and go to war against Iraq.

And yet...and just can't help but get the feeling that within six months we're going to be at war with Iraq whether we bloody like it or not.

After all, it shouldn't be difficult for the government (or at least those closest to Uncle Tony from an increasingly insular political standpoint) to spin the figures.

For example, recent government tallies have claimed that less than one million people are now unemployed in Blighty. A staggeringly low number when compared to the three and a half million back in the eighties. The difficulty arises when you realise that the British workforce consists of only forty million people. That's a discrepancy of twenty-one million, the population of Britain being sixty-one million as a rule. So what's become of the missing unemployed?

Well...taking into account the 'fact' that anybody unemployed for more than six months is transferred from unemployment benefit and given three choices...

1) income support.

2) a meaningless restart course/community service course.

3)...actually there is no third choice...they just end up kicked out onto the street without a penny to their names as befits a nation ever more American in political structure.

...and considering that once a person is no longer claiming unemployment benefit then they're also no longer classified as unemployed, it becomes easy to see where the discrepancies in the government figures lie.

It shouldn't be too difficult for Uncle Tony to use this same method to rewrite the public opinion polls with regard to Iraq.

Obviously anybody who's an old aged pensioner or a student...well they don't pay taxes so they don't count. Trade Union Supporters...militants basically. Won't include them! Backbenchers...too politically inclined towards the left...not a fair representation of the public. Tories, Liberals, Old Labour, bunch of tossers. Cross them off the list! Anybody whose name isn't Tony...they need to go. Anybody who isn't Prime Minister...their opinions aren't worthy of consideration anyhow. Now if we add one...minus eighteen...multiply by the number of voters who don't wear turbans and subtract six...success!

One hundred per cent of the British public support military action against Iraq!

And, in case we forget what we're fighting's for democracy, ladies and gentlemen! Plain and simple! Never must we allow Britain's political system to fall into the hands of a dictatorship.

Thus endeth the rant for today.


p.s. The extract from Widders' new book just trips off your tongue. As indeed does her fanny batter.

Widdicombe is back here and here and sadly, VERY sadly here purporting to be a writer. Come back Jeffrey Archer, all is forgiven.

"Soldiers were pointing guns at us while others searched out those who had vainly sought to conceal themselves among the merchandise. I should have been terrified but instead was merely embarrassed that my petty deception might now be exposed. Beside me a woman wept that we would all be deported and her mother of ninety would be left alone in their apartment with no one to look after her.

I changed direction towards the Seine, wanting instead of working to watch the early June sun sparkling on the river, to breathe the air of freedom, to imagine myself upon a boat sailing away from Paris and its horrors."


Monday, September 09, 2002

Oh, I'm sticking with you...

'Cos I'm made out of glue.

Whatever you want to do,

I'm gonna do too!

You held up a stagecoach in the rain,

Now I'm doing the same.

Yes, I'm sticking with you,

'Cos I'm made out of glue. (refrain)

US envoy warns of terror in Australia

AAP Monday September 9, 08:35 PM

The United States ambassador to Australia warned Australians not to become complacent about possible terrorist attacks.

Ahead of the first anniversary of the September 11 attacks on the US, ambassador Tom Schieffer said he believed Australians had not fully understood the potential for a terrorist attack.

"No American president can be comfortable with the proposition that these weapons might be developed and then distributed to those who would detonate a nuclear device in New York harbour or Sydney Harbour, or any number of places around the world."

But Australians remained unaware of the reality of terrorism, he said. "One of the things that I have been concerned about over the last year or so, and I don't want it to be scare mongering or whatever, but I see in Australia much of the same attitude toward terrorism that I saw in the US prior to September 11," he said. "Even the mightiest country mankind has seen witnessed its citadels of economic and military power audaciously and successfully attacked by a group of terrorists."

Ambassador Tom in a private briefing to journalists indicated that the US government had received information from top CIA agent Chicken Little 111 that the sky was falling in, that DNA testing had revealed that everyone of the alleged asylum seekers interned by the Australian Government was related to Saddam Hussein and that Kofi Annan was sitting on his hands at the behest of a Pakistani bookmaker.

"Australians would be foolish to ignore this evidence" he said "as the President so succinctly put it to me ... if you lie down with dogs you get up like the elephant who forgets with your head in the sands of time and like a glass full of Bourbons you have learned nothing from history which is the mother of all teachers apart from Mrs Cossington my first grade teacher who was the daughter of her own parents apart from her brother who was adopted and used to stiff crawfish."

The Ambassador said the last thing he wanted to do was to create panic but would advise all Australians to be on their guard, to sleep with one eye open, to view their neighbours with the deepest suspicion, renew their American citizenship papers and to lock up their daughters (and if within 100 metres of a Catholic priest, their sons as well).

"I want all Australians to know that they are not alone. The President has a great affection for the Austrian nation and its leader, as did his father who once remarked "the Austrian people from Archduke Ferdinand right down to the present day Prime Minister John Hunter have without fail supported the American people in their hour of need. It must be the goddam cute kangaroo in them that makes them not only jump when we say jump, but makes them jump higher than anybody else no matter how high we set the bar."

Austria must speak softly, preferably completely silently, and carry a big Patriot missile." the Ambassador advised. "Intelligence agents have further evidence that Saddam is on the verge of developing a Spud missile of messy destruction. A shipment of industrial strength rubber bands was recently intercepted leaving Cuba, which has temporarily spiked his Spud gun capability. The damning photographic evidence will be released to the U.N. and the American people as soon as Laura fixes the photocopier paper jam.

Whilst the US prides itself on prosecuting to the full its God given task of putting a dollar value on everything, this has bought us but a little time. My fellow Ambassador to Greenwich is hopeful of extending our line of credit. But be assured the clock is ticking. The seconds are out of the ring. The Minutemen march again. As Iraqi sand through an hourglass darkly, so are the days of our lives.

Whilst Thomas Jefferson the famous airplane might have believed, "The price of liberty is eternal vigilance.", today we know the price of liberty is eternal spin doctoring. To this end we have acquired the services of the eminent whirling dervish nuclear scientist Dr. Bruce Strangelove, who is ironically an Austrian by birth."

At this point of the briefing (several journalists had already queried whether there was any point to the briefing) Ambassador Tom appeared to spontaneously combust.

According to the latest round of pro-Toni government spin (information garnered no doubt from the enigmatic handbag of criminal evidence that Uncle Toe has been carrying around with him all week) Saddam is within months of developing nuclear long as he can obtain certain items from outside Iraq. (I'm assuming here that plutonium might be one of those missing elements.)

Government sources have also indicated that the tin-pot dictator (Saddam that is...not the quaffering chimp) is within three weeks of landing on the moon...if outside sources can provide him with a rocket...two days of achieving time-travel...if somebody from the future turns up in the next six hours with a time machine...and within forty-five minutes of swallowing the world...if St**** La****** can finish his dinner and get over to Iraq before supper.

Other news, and the Lancashire team faired well in the inter-counties black-pudding hurling championships, claiming second place only to Bradford. Team Captain Hughes put on a particularly fine culinary display but made a fatal error when he accidentally tossed one of his enormous bollocks into the ring. Huddersfield, in an unsporting display, were banned when it was discovered they'd been pumping their puddings with steroids. They have now been banished from Yorkshire altogether and are believed to be exporting plutonium to Iraq.

There is a lot of anti-American talk going on here, and as a healthy, double-barreled, red-blooded American I feel I must step in and make some important points. I was taught in 3rd grade Geography the fact that the United States covers 97% of the surface of the planet. So all you people from other countries are only representing 3% of the Earth. I should also point out that I was raised in the Catholic School System, and in the 3rd grade when I wasn't listening to a monstrous, sexually -frustrated 123 year-old Nun lecturing me about Geography, I was spending my time in the Rectory with Father O'Sullibrian who considered me his favorite little altar-boy. he told me I had a great future in The Church because my oral skills were beyond those of all the other 3rd grade altar-boys.

I hope my points help clear up the perspective on these issues of those of us that inhabit most of the planet. Thank you.

The Best of Dubbya.

"Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness." —George W. Bush, in a CNN online chat, Aug. 2000

"Laura and I are proud to call John and Michelle Engler our friends. I know you're proud to call him governor. What a good man the Englers are." Nov. 2000

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."

"I am mindful of the difference between the executive branch and the legislative branch. I assured all four of these leaders that I know the difference, and that difference is they pass the laws and I execute them." Dec. 20, 2000

"The California crunch really is the result of not enough power-generating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants." Jan. 2001

"There's no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead." May 11, 2001

"But I also made it clear to (Vladimir Putin) that it's important to think beyond the old days of when we had the concept that if we blew each other up, the world would be safe." May 1, 2001

"I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport." Washington, D.C., Oct. 3, 2001

"The reason we start a war is to fight a war, win a war, thereby causing no more war!" --The first Presidential debate.

"Actually, I — this may sound a little West Texas to you, but I like it. When I'm talking about — when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me."

"Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?"

"We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile."

"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."

"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures."

The unmentionable truth is that the entire Gulf and Middle East is being turned upside down, not by any perceived threat from Iraq, but by American obsessions with replacing Saddam Hussein.

He was their man, a thug whose Ba'athist Party was brought to power by the CIA in what the CIA official responsible described as "our favourite coup". Moreover, he was sustained in power during the 1980s by Ronald Reagan, George Bush Senior and Margaret Thatcher, who gave him all the weapons he wanted, often clandestinely and illegally; in Washington, the relationship was known as "the love affair".

A clear majority of the British people oppose the latest proposed homicidal adventure by the United States, and the complicity of their own government. Silence is no longer an option. "Our lives begin to end," said Martin Luther King, "the day we become silent about things that matter."


Anyhow any *official* commencement of hostilities seems a bit redundant in light of this ... GO FOR IT TONY BABY!! Your American citizenship papers are in the post.

Good onya "always finger on the pulse, whiter than white" Dubbya from a good conspiracy theory site. (Lot of outdated dead links though) But if only 5% is true then that's enough to have Dubbya banged up for years in a not so funny farm.

Errr um, what ever happened about whatshisname? ... errr, dammit it's just on the tip of my tongue ... ummm, that bloke that was going to be tracked down to within an inch of his towelly noggined life and brought to swift and deadly justice ... Tin Label   Lumbago   Osamar Sharif  Len Baden-Powell    Bent Label    Ben Lazenby  ... ah yes, Ben Laden.

Sunday, September 08, 2002

"the removal of The Feral Eye office'z front window in zuch a manner ... "
Lnagllie obviously worships a Rothful God, whose tenets are set out in the King James DIY version of "Lnagllie's Complaint".

Further m'Lud I present as evidence of Lnagllie's involvement with the pipebomb incident this barely disguised S****** B**** cartoon. There cannot be another cartoonist with this deft graphics facility and mordant wit.

BTW Brian, how did you fare in this?
Yorkshires take a pounding at Lancashire pudding throwing contest

I was hopeful of following a trail of bloodied breadcrumb fingers to the perpetrators ("perps" if my recollection of "NYPD Blue" serves me well) but no such luck.

Terry: Conzidering the violent aftermath of the tragic eventz of June 11th 2002 (in which one of uz waz responzible for pozting a doctored photograph of Mr. Zteve Langille'z buxom and zomewhat obeze wife on a certain, now notorious, Blogger board) I don't think you need follow the trail too far to uncover the obviouz culprit. Although not being a zubzcriber to the Darwinian theory, Mr Lnagllie does agree in principle with the 'Zurvival of the fattest' theory and the removal of The Feral Eye office'z front window in zuch a manner, along with the obliteration of the Zcrag Ends link from his own zite tendz to confirm that God doez indeed move in mysterious wayz. Ezpecially when giving birth to a pair of fat, inceztuouz baztardz.

Brian :O)

"memorial services taking place for 9/11/01 (as opposed to 11/9/01 as we Brits have always written such dates...unless something happened on the ninth of November that we weren't informed about"

The Americanisation (more correctly AmericaniZation) of the Julian calendar is all but complete here too. It is most confusing to we older folk. I ended up commemorating the WTC disaster somewhat prematurely at our local 7/11 store.

"Those bastards being, on the whole, the friends and relations of, or even the actual, plastic-bag wearing, Tory sex-Gods who sold off what didn't belong to them in the first place."

Downunder we have bypassed these middlemen flunkies and sold them directly to the corporate Chuck-come-latelies from the Land of the Free ("Free" as modified by the Department of Homer-land Security Act of "1984") who have parlayed the taxpayer hard earned financial reserves of these utilities into "perfomance bonuses", share options, executive swimming pools and speculative non core (and invariably belly up) investments.

"Uncle No-seriously-I-am-a-socialist Tony"

AKA Uncle No-seriously-my-nose-is-Dubbya's-weapon-of-mass-colonic-irrigation Tom, the idiot brother of Uncle John No-seriously-I-am-not-tall-enough-for-my-nose-to-wedge-itself-between-Dubbya's-Botox buttocks-and-that's-why-I-suffer-from-"Blair envy" Howard.

Terry -- Maggie bin Thatch privatised British Telecom back in the eighties along with the other great socialist icons of Blighty such as British Water (now owned by a Frenchman named Jaques Fatti-Catti who lives just outside Runcorn) and British Rail (singular...and shrinking fast).

Since privatisation, as could only be expected, these once proud utilities bought by the hard working peasants, have floundered, produced third-rate goods (and in the case of British Rail brought about some spectacularly bloody accidents) and have downsized due to colossal mismanagement with the loss of thousands of jobs (none of them being the managers who buggered the companies in the first instant) whilst maintaining the outrageous million plus monthly salaries of the bastards who now own them. (Those bastards being, on the whole, the friends and relations of, or even the actual, plastic-bag wearing, Tory sex-Gods who sold off what didn't belong to them in the first place.)

Since that time Uncle No-seriously-I-am-a-socialist Tony has continued to sell our National properties (with no financial refunds to the original owners I should add) to his peers and colleagues under the disguise of NEW Labour/OLD Tory. However, his largest ambition has yet to be realised: Several million square miles of prime estate beach property (slightly soiled) in downtown Iraq, the purchase of which is under negotiation from George Fuck-me-I-need-to-nuke-someone-to-beat-my-Dad-in-the-history-stakes Bush.

Although Britain's first fully corporate P.M. has stated that, in the face of huge opposition, he will be discussing this objective with Britain's shareholders, it seems the merger with the American War Machine has already been undertaken without the country's prior consent. In fact, judging by tonight's news declaring that memorial services were taking place for 9/11/01 (as opposed to 11/9/01 as we Brits have always written such dates...unless something happened on the ninth of November that we weren't informed about) it seems that we have been become Americanised completely now. Next year we'll be banning nudity from our television screens, banning Darwin from the classrooms and introducing metal detectors in our schools.

Time to burn the Union Jack!

Time to commercialise the Royal Family. (Well...every cloud, I suppose...)

One World!

One Culture!

One war-mongering, murderous twat of a Chimpanzee in charge of it all!

All accompanied by stirring music and the great American dream of pissing on the downtrodden from a great height!

"This whole affair has nothing to do with a threat from Iraq - there isn't one. It has nothing to do with the war against terrorism or with morality. Saddam Hussein is obviously an evil man, but when we were selling arms to him to keep the Iranians in check he was the same evil man he is today.

He was a pawn then and is a pawn now. In the same way he served western interests then, he is now the distraction for the sleight of hand to protect the west's supply of oil.

And where does this leave the British government? Are they in on the plan or just part of the smokescreen? The government speaks of morality and the threat posed by weapons of mass destruction, but can they really believe it?"

Unka Tony must be pleased this heretic is no longer in his cabinet.
"British Telecom, not content with being a monopoly (they own every phone line in the country and even independent phone companies have to rent the lines from them) and still managing to find themselves in debt to the tune of 60 million pounds, have decided to take their frustrations out on Yours Truly."

Ah young Brian, here downunder the similarities abound, with one difference. Oz Telstra likewise "owns every phone line in the country and even independent phone companies have to rent the lines from them". And of course to cut them out of true competition have set the wholesale prices accordingly. The difference is that Telstra makes a squillion in profits. SO what would a fine Tory government majority shareholder (of course this stake is fully funded by Australian taxpayers' dollars) in Telstra do with a profitable enterprise? OF COURSE sell of its (OUR!!) shareholding to the private sector.

Mind you I will happily sell off the Telstra Public Phone booth outside our residence to ANYONE who is happy to live with the consequences (Beirut style shattered and shuttered windows) of the 20 megaton pipe bomb it attracted last night! I was hopeful of following a trail of bloodied breadcrumb fingers to the perpetrators ("perps" if my recollection of "NYPD Blue" serves me well) but no such luck. Fear not I shall have their guts for garters. Stocking up on vengeance.
Two pics from the @RC (Hungarian Poster Festival):
- In which continent is Aphganistan? I wish phone...
- In ten years one of them will have exploded himself. (Little pun: in this case 'himself' and 'you' have same form in Hungarian.)