Saturday, April 05, 2003

US Marines digging up suspected chemical arms site

"US Marines were digging up a suspected chemical weapons hiding place in the courtyard of an Iraqi school southeast of Baghdad on Saturday.

The Marines said that a man who described himself as a former member of the Iraqi special forces told them that groups of Iraqi men had knocked down a wall of the girls school two months ago, hidden something in the courtyard and then concreted it over again during the course of three nights.

"We don't have a clue now but we're going to dig it up and see," General James Mattis, the commander of the Marine Division which is the main Marine ground force in Iraq, said at the scene.

Marine forces were digging up the heavy concrete laid in the courtyard of the school in the dusty town 80 km south-east of Baghdad."

General James Mattis is currently examining "The Diary of Fred bin West aged 55¼".
Hey! This is your chance to be a part of the first-ever Presidential Prayer Team for Kids contest! That's right! Simply write a prayer for President Bush. Send it in to us and we'll use some of your prayers right here on the PPT for Kids website.

Enclose a self-addressed, stamped return envelope and we'll send you The Presidential Prayer Team "We're Praying for Our Troops" window sticker and two PPT membership decals. One selected winner will receive a Presidential Prayer Team Prayer Bear.
Prayer Contest

Presidential Prayer Team for Kids

... and now for something completely different.

AustralianAmerican forces have finally (after much gung-hoing, followed by blubbing and then more gung-hoing) started reconnaissance incursions into the outskirts of Baghdad. The smoke-strewn suburbs, according to reporters, are now ringing to sounds of "God save Merica, Land of the Free" and mortar fire accompanied by the occasional stray blub from some homesick Texan.
Meanwhile, a rising tide of hostility and anger continues to sweep across the Arab nations, as ancient historical and religious sites across Iraq get blown to smithereens. Said a spokescretin from the US military, "We don't have any history in Merica...apart from the time we whooped the British's's's asses of course!" (Editor's note: That was last week wasn't it?) "The idea that 'Destroying buildings of historical significance can be equated to tearing up photographs of deceased loved ones' just doesn't equate in our minds. As doesn't respect, decency, honesty, intelligence, education..." etc.
If images on "Iraqi television...part fifteen" are anything to go by, a jolly puppet Saddam has been seen rallying support in central Baghdad. "Now that coalition troops have finally got here and we're knuckling down for the final chukka," said the Iraqi Minister for Information from his jeep on the Saudi Arabian border. "Saddam has become a new man!" No kidding...a fatter, rounder, far more jovial and less intelligent man by the looks of things. Rumour has it that the real Saddam has shaved off his tash, donned a caftan and gone to work for Fray Bentos leaving his blow up doppelgangers to take the flack.
On a more personal note, I have been told that I won't be able to keep my gallstones after the operation as a souvenir. "Unfortunately some people were turning their gallstones into necklaces," commented my surgeon when pressed on the issue. "This was very unhygienic and a recent change in the law means that I can no longer make small presentation packages out of objects removed from peoples innards." That might explain why Kinder Eggs are facing bankruptcy.
George Dubya Bush has personally decided to visit Baghdad from the final scene. "I'm gonna belt that Iraqi bastard on the nose," he said...although Hollywood has confirmed that Arnold Schwartzenegger will be used as a stunt double for the showdown.

Friday, April 04, 2003

Brand new hospital...same old administration cock-ups.
It seems that my much-anticipated operation is now re-booked for a week on Sunday instead of the previously supposed day after tomorrow. Well worth all the effort of a three hour trek over the Lancashire fells to discover the fabled 'Lost Clinic of Broughton', only to be greeted by the surgeon, a quick hand shake, a poke in the belly and his private secretary explaining how they'd overbooked and would next Sunday be alright by any chance?
But what a fantastic building! This is the NHS moonlighting with BUPA. And, bugger me, the other half certainly know how to live, the parasitical bastards! A sixteenth century rambling cottage with individual rooms, en suite bathrooms, cable and satellite, mints on the pillows, cocktail cabinets, private massage girls, the full blooming Monty! Art decor windows. Private swimming pool for every patient. Squirrels running carefree through the surrounding woods and ornamental fountains set to music.
I'm used to strip lighting, fat nurses and crocheted blankets. Bleeding aristos! This must be costing the NHS a bomb! Fortunately it's costing me bugger all. I'm don't mind waiting another fact I'm thinking of developing a few more diseases so that I can book in for a month next time.
In the meantime, however, getting back to world events, I see that Blair has appointed supreme arse licker John Reid (previously Labour Party Leader and bald, Scottish clone of Uncle Tony himself) as Foreign Secretary. If I were Robin Cook I'd be thinking of resigning the whole fucking party at this point.'s been a long day. Just time for a couple of sackings...or one at least...before I crack open a bottle of scotch and drown my hypertension in a stew of banal television. You're stuck with me for the next seven days yet folks, so get used to it!

Some precious, paranoid, malicious and libellous twat (do visit and give him a bollocking) (UPDATE ... forget that, he has closed comments ... quit while you're well behind ... though you can view comments already made) has made a spurious accusation about the estimable Green Fairy having "hacked" his Blog. The discussion goes on at METAFILTER where Green Fairy is leading 40/15 in the first set.

Latest score: Green Fairy leads 40/0 in the second set having won the first set 6/0. (Tim has left Centre Court for urgent medico-legal attention to his Achilles' Heel, aka "Unsubstantiated Libellous Claims Against the Sister Teresa of Blogging".)

UPDATE. Final score: Green Fairy wins 6/0 6/0 5/0 (Little Tim had to forfeit the match as a result of injuries inflicted upon him by what he claimed was "a vocal majority of 8 foot tall, 3 headed purple aliens sitting in the back rows and who continually threw barbed insults at him while he was serving up his backhanders. I don't care if nobody else could see them ... I saw them and that's enough for me and let me tell you, I'm a gonna hunt 'em down and smoke 'em out")

No smoking gun, not so much as a discarded transatlantic shanghai.

Spontaneous World wide movement in support of Green Fairy

A small sample of the exchange on the Comments page of this very odd Tim Lutero person.

"Adrian and Adam, you both bring up good points. How can I be sure that she did it? Where is my evidence? Yes, I have a vague reference to an IP address. I do not plan to divulge this information to anyone but a law enforcement authority official, if the need arises. But the circle of people involved in the exchange was me and Jack, and that's it. Pretty small circle."

"Even after the attack I tried to e-mail her to find out what she knew about it. Consistent with previous correspondence, her response was silence. Silence does not equal innocence nor guilt, but it does show a lack of cooperation."

"I have never ever received any email from you - not the Blogger Insider questions, and certainly no private correspondence upon the matter of your site being hacked. I had never even heard of your before today." (Jack the Jolly Green Fairy.)

"apologise to the lady. her dignified silence in the face of your wild and hysterical remarks is a proper and appropriate response." (quarsan.)

"An apology will not be forthcoming. My allegations stand, and the reason I offered up the questions was for a peaceable solution to this situation. If no peaceable solution is to be had, then all will be left is "Crazy Timmy's" version of what happened. Since Jacquelyn still claims ignorance, then she won't have to defend herself.

Tim effectively asks Jacquelyn ... "When did you stop beating your wife?"

The ROTW brutally asks Tim ... "When did you stop beating your paranoia?"

At enormous cost and by arrangement with the NHS, the ROTW can directly monitor the health status of the former Editor.

Bugger, he's disconnected it again! The devious bastard has some whisky stashed away somewhere hasn't he?

Correct Sedgers. Operation delayed by seven days. Whisky bottle reopened. Tank barrel aimed towards Deupty Editor's head.

Dear Editor, oh great and benevolent one who passeth all understanding, whose light doth shine upon the unworthy, the tired, the poor, the huddled masses yearning to breathe and lifts them up, I am not responsible for and never have been responsible for all the scurrilous and naughty things said about you in previous postings which bear my name. I have some idea (and absolutely no evidence) as to who did this but it would be unkind, ungallant and possibly libellous to broadcast my suspicions. Never will you hear the name Jacquelyn Arnold (aka "Green Fairy", "Brutal Woman", "The Woman with a British Accent" "The Mother of All Hackers") fall trippingly from my lips even though I know she did it.

I rest my case of single malt.

Thursday, April 03, 2003

'We go to liberate, not to conquer'


“The Iraqis are sick people and we are the chemotherapy,” said Corporal Ryan Dupre. “I am starting to hate this country. Wait till I get hold of a friggin’ Iraqi. No, I won’t get hold of one. I’ll just kill him.”

"Fifteen members of one family were killed nearby late Monday when their pickup truck was blown up by a rocket from a US Apache helicopter in the region of Haidariya near Hilla, the sole survivor of the attack told AFP. Razak Al Kazem Al Khafaji said he lost his wife, six children, his father, his mother, his three brothers and their wives."

... now are we happy and fulfilled Corporal Ryan Dupre?

Iraqi chemical threat 'negligible'

The threat of an Iraqi chemical or biological attack against coalition forces has become "negligible", according to US military sources in Iraq.

Captain Adam Mastrianni, the intelligence officer of the 101st Airborne Division's Aviation Brigade, said: "Now that we have penetrated Baghdad's outer ring, the likelihood [of a chemical or biological attack] is negligible.

"The commanding general of the 101st, General David Petraeus gave the order at 9:00pm that soldiers in the division would be able to take off their anti-chemical and biological suits as of Friday morning," he added.

Now let's get this straight. One of the reasons this grisly little exercise began was because Saddam had somewhat more than negligible chemical/biological weapons and weapons of mass destruction. They don't seem to have quite materialised as much as they could have. Maybe Saddam is (was?) one of those loony collectors. He has them, but they are locked away in his "Museum of Modern Arms" where, whenever the mood takes him he can sit down in a comfy chair, light up a cigar, tipple a port and appreciate them for their intrinsic beauty.

We're still waiting for the smoking Godot.

Two fine typos courtesy of a couple of small local Australian newspapers.

Today I took possession of the key to the Editor's office. Nothing had prepared me for what I was to discover. It this a dagger I see before me? No ... I was staring down the barrel of the smoking gun ... the Holy Grail of Justification ... the fabled weapons of mass destruction!

A viper has been nestling in the ROTW's collective breast. Bring back the troops from Iraq. Reassign them to Broughton ... immediately! The cornered rat former Editor has threatened to stone himself to death by running on his own gall bladder rather than be taken alive. This must not and will not happen, I demand a show trial, a good old fashioned Aussie kangaroo court and a pubic public deknackering.

Wednesday, April 02, 2003

In every war there are many battles; some of them fought over scraps of land, others waged on a more personal basis. This particular war is no exception. On Friday I shall be donning my khaki pyjamas, strapping several Thomas Hardy novels beneath my belt and heading off to some clinic or other in a place called Broughton where heavy casualties in the gallstone department are expected. The surgeons have promised me a short, sharp, shock and awe keyhole conflict. Naturally I'm taking them at their word and sending three days worth of grapes ahead to sustain me through the liberation.

If things go badly, however, and here Andy Warhole springs to mind, I might be gone some time. Apologies in advance to Nancy for not being able to contribute my usual "View from Britain" diatribe this week. Hopefully I'll be back as soon as possible...especially seeing as the beds will be needed for the incoming wounded troops. (That's all I need...a ward full of squaddies whinging about anti-war protesters!) And apologies to my regular fan for having to leave this board entirely in Deputy Editor Sedgwick's hands for the duration.

A man has to do what a man has to do and if a few gallstones fall foul of my doings over the following few weeks then at least I've done...did...will do...what I had to get it done. And if I fall in field of conflict think only this of me...(Editor's note: Fuck off to hospital for Christ's sake and don't come back in a hurry!)

Blog Master Hughes, I heard a rumor (actually it was directly from you at that you're going to the hospital this weekend to finally have that viscious gallbladder removed. If this is true and not an April Fools Joke then I wish you all the best. Get better soon and I'm sure you'll be relieved and glad when that vile orb of evil is gone once and for all. I'll drink heavily in your honor this weekend, and say a prayer to any supreme beings watching down on us, assuming they're from another planet since all the world's fabricated religious supreme beings are so fucking stupid and evil. Keep a positive attitude, man! It will be worth it when it's over and your health will be perfect and your mind will sense the riddance of the evil gallbladder and will develop telepathic abilities far beyond those of mere mortals and you will be able to shoot laser beams out of your eyes and fly around the world fighting crime and those evil villains bent on the prospect of molesting innocent wombats.

Kevin...the rumours are indeed true. In fact I've just posted my final blog for some (hopefully short) time. Gallstones's hammer time folks! Cheers for the encouragement and please feel free to stage a coup in my absence against Deupty Editor Sedgwick if he starts getting out of hand. Uprisings against evil bearded dictators are strongly recommended.

Dear Reader, the previous paragraph should be ignored. That message has been examined by the ROTW Psyops team and found to have been pre recorded 2 years ago by an Editor double.

The benign bearded Deputy Editor reports that regime change has begun much as predicted .

'Like the people of France in the 1940s, they view us as their hoped for liberators.'
Paul Wolfowitz, Deputy US Defence Secretary, 11 March, 2002

'I really do believe we will be greeted as liberators ... The read we get on the people of the ROTW is there's no question but that they want to get rid of the Editor.'
US Vice-President Dick Cheney, 16 March

'This will be no war - there will be a fairly brief and ruthless editorial intervention. The Deputy Editor will give an order. [The attack] will be rapid, accurate and dazzling... It will be greeted by the majority of the ROTW staff as an emancipation.'
Christopher Hitchens, Vanity Fair writer, in a debate, 28 January, 2003

'I believe demolishing Hughes' editorial power and liberating the ROTW would be a cakewalk.'
Ken Adelman, former US ambassador to UN, 13 February, 2002

'Hughes is much weaker than we think he is. He's weaker digestively . We know he's got about a third of what he had in 1991. But it's a house of cards. He rules by fear because he knows there is no underlying support. Support for Hughes, including within the Board of Management of the ROTW, will collapse at the first whiff of wombat droppings.'
Richard Perle, recently resigned chairman of the Defence Policy Board, 11 July, 2002

Comments source.

Statues and portraits of the Butcher of Bloghdad are being torn down by joyful staff members. There is dancing, singing and bonking throughout the length and breadth of the ROTW office. A "Shock and Awe" surgical strike upon the Broughton Hospital is precision pencilled in for 0100 hours Friday. The ROTW's recenty hired Peter "Did I really say that?" Arnett will be providing full on the spot coverage of the final solution from the roof of the Broughton Book Depository.

I shall be heading an interim administration until I have fully gutted the resources, bank accounts and liquor cabinet of the ROTW free and open elections can be held.

I thank you for your support during these troubled times. Staff may take an hour off on the house for the official hoisting of the former editor's gall bladder at Traitors' Gate. (Ladies a plate.)

Tuesday, April 01, 2003

More from the Rant of the Week's front line artist:

April 1 link d'amusement ('scuse my great grandma Hughes' frog) which is a fine spoof of this ... the News page from the Australian version of the BBC.

Also here a couple of Oz blogs worth a gecko ...

Extract:- "Ten days into the war, the high moral standards proclaimed by the Coalition leaders are rapidly being replaced by the brutal reality that this is going to be a war much like most others, with both sides committing grave crimes, and nobody really winning in the end. It's already become clear that nothing said by either side can be trusted (I won't resume the futile debate over which side is lying more). And, as the Pentagon has quietly dropped or relaxed restrictions on targeting civilian areas and civilian infrastructure, we can expect a steadily rising civilian death toll even before large-scale urban fighting begins. Of course, if Saddam had only surrendered peacably, or fought out in the open as the US wanted him to, none of this would have happened - the same is true of every war in history where one side has an overwhelming advantage in conventional terms."

Extract:- "Anyway, great interview by Kerry O'Brien last night, in which he asked the PM if he's stopped beating his wife, and the PM said no, but he only beats her a little bit, and it's for her own good, y'see. OK, I'm joking but it was a killer question from Kerry (from memory): "Prime Minister, how many civilian deaths are acceptable to win this war?". Squirming somewhat, John Howard admitted we were entering a "difficult" phase of the war, that increased civilian casualties are likely if the US is forced to resort to its fabled "Shock and Awe" campaign to take Baghdad. I doubt I'm alone in fearing that Saddam has a few tricks up his sleeve. Prime Minister, now is the time to take a reality check yourself and bring our troops home. Show some ticker, mate."
A little bon mot or two found in The Feral Eye Rant of the Week guest book. I'm a sucker for a well argued, well presented empassioned point of view and Robert has sure set me a'rethinkin' about the error of our ways.

Comments: "Your anti-war rhetoric fails to address the true oppresive nature which mandated that some action be taken to liberate the Iraqi people. The shat that comes from thy mouth is truly nausiating. You and your fellow anti-war movement participants should be happy to live in an enviroment that allows such rhetoric without a fear of being put to death. Perhaps you and your mates would like to relocate your residence to North Korea and enjoy the privilages of living under a fine DICKtatorship."
Robert Justice of ... sorry Robbie me boy, don't blame anybody else, YOU chose the name of your Blog.

I do love the smell of a good eponym in the morning.

American marines were attacked today by a jeep full of extremely dangerous women and children leaving Jafacake in the South of Iraq. "We had to do something," explained a wild-eyed Sergeant Bungalow Bill injecting pure coffee into his arm. "One of the babies was smiling at us in a threatening manner. We fired a warning shot into the chin of the driver but she just slumped over the wheel and kept on coming. So we had to bombard the whole lot of 'em with cruise missiles."
"It's a tragic incident," admitted Colonel John Wayne of the US Cavalry. "But you have to remember Americans are still jittery after September 11th. Most of the army was housed in the World Trade Centre at the time so it affected them deeply. All that crashing masonry is still reverberating in their trigger fingers. And if women, kiddies, journalists and British troops keep getting in their way there's no other option but to act heroically and, with a bit of luck, win an Oscar in the process."

In Washington Donald Rumsfeld has blamed the recent 'military pause' on the Iraqis having sold them a 'broken war.'
"Typical of the scheming brown bastards," Rumsfeld said whilst polishing his Uzi 9mm. "We didn't realise until the end of the first week that the war had a scratch on it. That's why we just kept going round in circles. We've captured Umm Qasr and Bhahsrhah sixteen times now and killed the same group of British soldiers more often than we'd care to admit. However, we've finally managed to clear the problem and are now making excellent progress...ent progress...ent progress..."

Home Spun Philosophy of the Week!

People who say that we're fighting this war for democracy are dead wrong. War is always an inexcusable catalyst for the systematic removal of human rights. Laws are introduced for the apparent safety of civilians and are seldom revoked once wars are concluded. People who speak out against war...despite peer group pressure, despite political backlash, despite popular opinion...those are the people who are keeping the valves of democracy open. Much against common belief, politicians don't make democracies. People do. Waging war in defence of democracy is as much a misnomer as bombing for peace or getting rich to help the needy. Now is the time to speak out loudest against this conflict before the freedom we're allegedly defending becomes so much collateral damage.
Sorry for the interruption to normal scheduling. And now it's back to the usual knob and fart jokes.

Mmmmm ... maybe my big yellow box of mass friendly fire was not all my fault. Blogger seems to be having as little luck with its bugs as the Crusade is having with picking who's for us and who's agin us. In the last hour these two pages have purported to be the Rant of the Week. (Without the HTML having left my hands at any stage.) Other evil bloggers have been disguising themselves as simple village Ranters and blowing up our blog. More "Shock and Awe" over this way please Tommy.

Notwithstanding all that, the search for knowledge that might be contained within the walls of this Blog continues unabated ...

overweight hairy males produce
condoleza rice biography OR husba
2003 email address guess book in dubai via saudi
muslims "anti british" whores
bibble 2002 serial number
men in frilly aprons jpg
"the chick was in the way"
semen donate in manchester
prize bellend
Not sure whether the last two are related ... perhaps they are just good friends.

Cosgrove 'disappointed' WMD not yet found

Chief of the Australian Defence Force Peter Cosgrove says he is disappointed weapons of mass destruction (WMD) have not yet been found in Iraq.

General Cosgrove says coalition leaders have always anticipated a range of possibilities in conflict and maintains the war plan is on track.

As for weapons of mass destruction, he says Saddam Hussein has had many opportunities to hide them away.

"Yes of course [I'm] disappointed because it would have been lovely to have crossed the border from Kuwait and stumble over the first bunker, full of WMD, [I'm] disappointed but really that was hardly likely," he said.

Sorry about that Pete old cobber. Really, I am sorry for your loss, but that's showbiz. Maybe next time, but at least the war plan is on track. (Mantra, mantra, mantra.)

Seven civilians killed at US checkpoint

United States troops have opened fire on a civilian vehicle at a military checkpoint in southern Iraq, killing seven people and wounding two.

Navy Lieutenant Commander Charles Owens says the shooting occurred at a checkpoint at Najaf, 150 kilometres south of Baghdad.

He says the victims, women and children, were in a vehicle which failed to stop despite repeated warning shots fired by US troops.

Four other people in the vehicle escaped unharmed.

"As a last resort, they fired into the passenger compartment of the vehicle," Lt Cdr Owens said at US Central Command's forward planning base.

"When soldiers opened the vehicle they found 13 women and children inside. Seven of the occupants were dead, two were wounded and four were unharmed."

Lt Cdr Owens says the military has opened an investigation into the incident and is trying to find out if any of the car's occupants were hurt before the troops opened fire.

This sort of thing seriously pisses me off. I find nowt amusing about it at all. A "vehicle which failed to stop despite repeated warning shots fired by US troops". Bugger me! Is it the slightest bit possible that they were shit scared and thought that they were under attack? Given the number of civilians already "pacified" you couldn't blame them and despite the aspirations of the Primate it is still their fucking country for Godsake!

What really shits me is the weasel clause statement, "the military has opened an investigation into the incident and is trying to find out if any of the car's occupants were hurt before the troops opened fire"

Right! Fatima had a blistered toe, Ahmed had a splinter in his thumb and Wassim had a skinned knee. "See! We couldn't have killed them! Probably died of gangrene or septicaemia." Bullshit, killed by septics.

Typical it seems ... umpteen killed in a market place and it's "let's not discount the possibility that it was a misguided Iraq missile". Weasel, weasel, weasel. Seems to me that the Amerkins have a mortgage on inflicting death by misguided missiles if the tally of dead Brits is anything to go by.

Truly putrid stuff!

This sort of thing SO brings back memories of living through the Vietnam fiasco. Day after day innocent women and children were killed by shit scared and paranoid soldiers because there was credible evidence that the villagers might have Sherman tanks hidden away in their babies' nappies.

I'm sure this dirty little adventure has its own My Lai massacre just waiting to happen ... or to be uncovered.
Again! Same old, same old.

Meanwhile US Marines say they have shot dead an unarmed Iraqi who drove his pickup truck at speed towards a checkpoint they were manning outside the southern town of Shatra.

They riddled his white truck with bullets after it sped towards their roadblock on the main highway near Nasiriya, apparently oblivious to barbed wire strewn across the road.

His passenger was badly wounded.

Marines have told a correspondent at the scene the truck was not loaded and neither of the men was in uniform or armed.

"I thought it was a suicide bomb," said one of the servicemen who fired on the vehicle.

Monday, March 31, 2003

Editor's note: The total bugger up in the Rant of the Week communications system has, hopefully, now been cleared. The posting above these words resulted in a huge yellow box wiping out the rest of the board. Fortunately the First Thunderbolt & Lightfoot Engineers were on standby. Following many tense hours of what the army would call a 'botched job' they have finally sorted the mess that Deputy Editor Sedgwick's friendly fire created...albeit in a paired down manner. Apologies for the inconvenience. We will now return you to an evening of Saddam's Greatest Hits.

Deputy Editor apologises must humbly. In my defence, the posting was hunky dory on my machine. I can only assume that the censorious shadow of the Department of Blogland Security was cast over my offering. I have removed the offensive offending article from the board but it can be seen in all it's pointless incisive glory here ... did you get that ... HERE!




"Chairman of CNN Bruce Rumsfeld ("No relation other than that the other guy is my brother") convened an emergency meeting today at CNN headquarters in Las Vegas.

Addressing the Board of Directors compromising comprising Chuck Rumsfeld, Billy Joe Bob Rumsfeld, Eugene Rumsfeld and Jebediah ("No relation at all to my dad Dick") Cheney and the staff of CNN Mr. Rumsfeld said, "Gentlemen we have the Mother of all crises on our hands and we are going to have to make changes ... "

One more time ... full gory details here.

Footnote and fine quote ... "You can forget any semblance of journalism from Mr Murdoch's Fox News because it is so far embedded that its performance is positively unhygenic".

I'm still in me cellar. I've jammed me chamber pot on me 'ead for protection and I've fastened me kitchen knife t' the end of a broom 'andle. So any Paqi what comes sniffin' round 'ere tryin' t' get 'is 'ands in me drawers 'ull find out what it's like t' be a loaf of Hovis!
I've bin watchin' this war on me gramaphone an' it's turnin' out t' be a right dirty affair. The language is filthy! It's these sand wogs what are t' blame! There's shi'ites in ba'ath-tubs in a town called Bahstard and another town called Faghag, 'scuse my Twatenese. There's skud marks all over Quim Cattah an' even their leader's called Madame Sadism. That's one o' those oriental whip bitches that is! One of those women what tie men up by their vestibules an' whack 'em with 'orse croppers. And they bugger sheep, an' all, an' give 'em humanitarian AIDs, 'scuse my Bangkok!
Our Brian reckons I've got it wrong. I was talkin' to 'im through the grating ont' the street the other day an' 'ee says t' me, "That's just insinuendos, Grandma. You've got y'r radiogram stuck between the war coverage an' the Archers!"
'Ee doesn't know nowt, that 'un! I told 'im t' get me 'alf a pound o' fish an' some heffalump ointment for me delicate problem from the green grocers. An' I told 'im t' keep 'is nose out of things what don't concern 'im an' all! Bloomin' youth! I'm an 'undred an' thirty-seventy y' know? An' I didn't survive this long without knowin' that the only good wog is a white one!

This one's for Mr Cooper. The original letter was doing the rounds of the administration offices in the MoD. It didn't scan very well when I tried it, so I've copied it out by hand for your viewing pleasure:


Notification of Compulsory Enlistement
Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act (1978), you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself on standby for possible compulsory military service in the Iraq Conflict.
You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East where you will either join the Third Battalion, The Queen's Own Suicide Conscripts or the Second Foot and Mouth.
Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal of P&O to lend us any of its liners, because of what it claims was due to the deplorable state in which they were returned after the Falklands adventure, it will be necessary for you to make your own way to the combat zone. HM Government has been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one-way trips with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged to take advantage of this offer.
Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it will be necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as soon as possible:
* Combat Jacket
* Trousers (preferably khaki - but please no denim)
* Tin helmet
* Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers)
* Gas mask
* Map of the combat zone (the ordnance survey 1:2800 Outdoor Leisure Map of Iraq will do)
* Rifle
* Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item)
* Suntan oil
If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to buy a tank. (Vickers Defence of Banbury is currently offering all new conscripts a 0% finance deal on all X Registration Cheiftans, but hurry, as the offer is only available whilst stocks last.)
We would like to reassure you that, in the unlikely event of anything going wrong, you will receive a free burial in the graveyard of your choice and your next of kin will be entitled to the new War Widows Pension of GBP1.75 per calendar month, index-linked but subject to means testing, and fully repayable should our side eventually lose.
There may be little time for formal military training before your departure and so we advise that you hire videos of the following films and try and pick up a few tips as you watch:
* The Guns of Navarone
* Kelly's Heroes
* A Bridge Too Far
* The Longest Day
* Apocalypse Now
* The Matrix
* Blazing Saddles
* The Desert Song
* Mary Poppins
We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum.
To prepare yourself mentally for your mission try reading the works of Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brooke. This should give you some idea of what may be involved.
Yours faithfully,
Geoffrey Hoon, Secretary of State for Defence.
A Bush - Blair Production
Sponsored by Mars, Pepsi and McDonalds. The Official Snacks of World War III

With thousands of troops crossing the Iraqi border and heading for Baghdad, Colon Powell has issued Syria a stern warning: "Either keep out of the war or face the consequences." Far be it from me to point out the seriousness of the situation, but if Syria gets dragged into this conflict it's only a short hop, skip and a jump before World War III (This Time it's Personal) breaks out big time. Muslims Vs Christians...all of them self-righteous, zealous, murdering bastards. Nuke 'em High in the name of Allah/Jesus/Democracy/Islam/Bush/Blair/Saddam/Fucked-Up Knobheads. Please place your heads between your knees and kiss your arseholes goodnight.
Any gung-ho pro-war supporters out there starting to have serious doubts about this lot yet?

Nine Journalists Missing, Others Beaten By US Troops

Brussels based International Federation of Journalists (IFJ) yesterday demanded an "immediate and full inquiry" into reports that two Israelis and a Portuguese television reporter were arrested by US forces in Iraq, beaten up and detained for 48 hours.
By Azer H.Hasret, BT
29/03/2003 10:39

"If true, this maltreatment of journalists is a grave violation of journalists' rights. This incident must be investigated and those responsible brought to justice," said the IF

According to IFJ the journalists, Dan Scemama, of Israel's Channel 1 TV, Boaz Bismuth of the Israeli newspaper Yediot Aharonot and Louis de Castro of Radio Television Portugal, were traveling alongside American convoys. As told to relatives and colleagues, the journalists were forced to stop on Tuesday, beside six tanks, because of sandstorms. The Americans advised them not to move because they would not be identified in the dust. Early on Wednesday, soldiers woke them up at gunpoint, took them away and accused them of espionage.

"The reporters were told to lift their shirts and let down their pants to prove they were not carrying bombs and they were later kept in a closed jeep for 36 hours. The Portuguese journalist asked to phone home and was allegedly beaten; his ribs were broken and he is now in hospital. One of the Israeli journalists was also beaten. Yediot Aharonot, concerned about loss of contact with the journalists, asked the Pentagon to help find them. After 48 hours, a helicopter flew the reporters to an American military base in Kuwait, where they were released and given their telephones back," says IFJ statement.

Other press freedom organization - Reporters Without Borders (RSF) speaks about more dangerous situation. According to this organization nine journalists are missing in the "front line" and two others - ITN's Terry Lloyd and Australian cameraman Paul Moran, of Australia's ABC TV, already killed. At least two other journalists have been wounded.

Those missing are a cameraman for the Al-Jazeera TV, French cameraman Fred Nerac and Lebanese interpreter Hussein Osman, Syrian reporter Wael Awad, cameraman Talal Fawzi al-Masri and technician Ali Hassan Safa of Al-Arabiya TV, journalists from the US daily paper Newsday, Moises Saman and Matthew McAllester, Freelance French-American photographer Molly Bingham. All of them were lost in different circumstances.

"We're huntin' journalists down, we're smokin' 'em out. The propaganda campaign remains on track" ... Pentagon Official Billy Joe Bob Goebbels.

Late News...or rather Late News Reporter. Another ITN front line reporter in Iraq bites the dust. Quite literally this time as he fell off a building in mysterious circumstances. Getting spooky this, isn't it? Now, I'm not one for conspiracy theories, as everyone knows, but at this rate between their best reporters dropping like flies and the rest of the Light Entertainment Channel's staff being arrested on paedophile charges, they won't have anything left to broadcast soon. The BBC denies all knowledge of the incident.
Unfortunately, as yet, the Rant of the Week's own roving reporter, Ms Peggy Farcus (92), has not come under friendly fire...although rumours abound that she has gone down with some of the Australian troops.

Sunday, March 30, 2003

In the realm of "Don't let a good ambiguous headline get in the way of the facts".

British troops find chemical warfare equipment near Basra

"Chemical warfare training equipment including nerve gas simulators, vials and a Geiger counter were discovered by British troops near the besieged southern city of Basra, officers said.

"Until further tests are carried out on the vials of chemicals we have found here we do not know exactly what the material is," Captain Kevin Cooney of the Joint NBC (nuclear, biological and chemical) Regiment said.

"To my eye it looks like training equipment to teach people how to identify if there is something like Sarin (nerve gas) in the air and what to do in the event of a nuclear attack.

"Further tests will have to be done and this is now a matter that has been passed up the chain of command for further consideration," he said.

The equipment, found in 13 wooden cases marked "Ministry of Defence, Baghdad", was found in an Iraqi ordnance facility south of Basra in territory now controlled by coalition forces.

There were also gas masks, chemical warfare suits and "Combo Pens", devices carried by troops which deliver a small but concentrated dose of antidote against nerve agents when injected into the thigh.

A journalist embedded with the British troops said the boxes included two packets of glass vials containing coloured crystals with what appeared to be instructions on how to use them for detection of nerve agents, including Sarin, Soman and V-Gases."

The fact is, it would seem that British troops found anti chemical warfare equipment. Surprise, surprise! Still no smoking gun to justify this madness. Another instance of the Iraqi regime (still not quite as "regime changed" as the script would have it) not playing by the rules.

Report from Peggy Farcus bedded down with the Australian Special Forces.

Australian Special Operations Personnel have found 13 wooden cases marked "Ponds Institute, Baghdad" in the bombed out wreckage of the Baaa'aaaaath Party Head Office and Childcare Centre. A journalist embedded with the Australian troops said the boxes included two cartons of Mary Kay Velocity® shine it!™ Lip Gloss, 5 containers of REVLON™ Triple Lifting Night Cream and 2 dozen bottles of Pantene "It Won't Happen Overnight, But It Will Happen" Shampoos of Mass Coiffure.

Brigadier Bruce McBruce said that the discovery was significant. "It tells us that Saddam Hussein is still alive. A recurring theme in reports from our intelligence sources close to the Iraqi leadership group is Saddam's defiant vow that he wouldn't be seen dead without his make up."

Brigadier McBruce went on to confide, "I know you embedded blokes and blokesses won't let the wombat out of the bag, so I can let you in on our plan to smoke out the Butcher, Baker and Candlestick maker of Baghdad. In what we have designated "Operation Ding Dong" it is planned to have Privates Chooka, Robbo, Wocka and Dazza from 6th Division to visit every house still standing in Baghdad (fortunately that reduces our target area quite significantly) disguised as Avon ladies. O.K. I know there has been a lot of loose talk about the Genevieve Convention but I've had this operation cleared with both PSYOPS and the Office of Consumer and Business Affairs who administer the Fair Trading Act and the Door to Door Sales Act.

We at Command Centre believe Saddam will be lured out by this month's "Sheer Sparkle Crystal Vision Nail Enamel Two for One Special Promotion" . As soon as he offers his hands for the free demo we shall slap on the cuffs and Bob's your cross dressing aunty. Quite often the simplest plans are the most effective."

This just in: British Armed Forces are now employing 'liberated' (please note the sarcastic inflection) Iraqi civilians in the port of Umm Qasr to help unload much needed Humanitarian Aid packages from HMS Sir Gallahad the Chased-by-sea-mines.
For their efforts the Iraqi civilians are each earning sixty pence a day.
"I know that sounds a bit on the tight fisted side," commented Major Smythe Polyp of the Queen's Own Punjab Wog and Slave regiment. "But it's still a considerable improvement on the wages they'd be getting at MacDonalds."

The Coalition of the Incredibly Stupid have decided to adopt new battle tactics today. Finding themselves increasingly bogged down by guerrilla warfare in which trained Iraqi soldiers don the costumes of ordinary civilians and mingle mercilessly with the plebs, the allied forces have been clamping down on the movement of journalists. Apparently this is for their own good as Iraq is an extremely dangerous place to be right now. (A matter, apparently, of which the journalists weren't aware.)
Also for 'the good of the Iraqi people' television transmitters and telephone masts have started being removed in force.
"Most of these installations have/had dual civilian, the other military," explained a spokesperson from the Ministry of Operations, Room 101. "Once journalists are banned from Iraq and the television stations stop their propaganda-filled broadcasts we can go in and kill as many civilians as we damn well like. These bastard elite forces are impossible to separate from the crowd. So we've no other choice but to take the whole frigging crowd out. Nobody wants to see mass slaughter on this scale when they're eating their bangers and mash so it's journalists and television masts first, the hearts, minds and various limbs of the Iraqi citizens second."

Other news and I forgot to put my clock forward last night. This morning I woke up and stumbled into the kitchen door which had been open at the time but which I'd closed half an hour later to allow continuity due to my sense of time being completely out of whack but being knocked off balance by an hour was in a state of phasic flux. Then I ran into myself coming back from the cafe which I haven't actually done yet but intend to do just as soon as I've woken up and posted this before it was written.

Something I picked up (apart from a dose of cyber clap from whilst browsing ...

"Once upon a time, a group of unwashed rebels with unconventional religious ideals used guerilla tactics to fend off an imperialist army. Raids, robberies, false surrenders and ambushes were used to give them an edge over a superior force. The imperialists accused them of being barbaric, and failing to follow the rules of engagement.

The French clandestinely, and later openly, intervened in the war, providing the rebels with much needed cash and weaponry.

Over time, after thousands of skirmishes, the British lost the revolutionary war."

Over time, after thousands of well intentioned votes led to the election of some jug-eared smirking git, Britain lost again.
"We had a great day," Sergeant Schrumpf said. "We killed a lot of people."

Both marines said they were most frustrated by the practice of some Iraqi soldiers to use unarmed women and children as shields against American bullets. They called the tactic cowardly but agreed that it had been effective. Both Sergeant Schrumpf and Corporal McIntosh said they had declined several times to shoot at Iraqi soldiers out of fear they might hit civilians.

"It's a judgment call," Corporal McIntosh said. "If the risks outweigh the losses, then you don't take the shot."

But in the heat of a firefight, both men conceded, when the calculus often warps, a shot not taken in one set of circumstances may suddenly present itself as a life-or-death necessity.

"We dropped a few civilians," Sergeant Schrumpf said, "but what do you do?"

To illustrate, the sergeant offered a pair of examples from earlier in the week.

"There was one Iraqi soldier, and 25 women and children," he said, "I didn't take the shot."

But more than once, Sergeant Schrumpf said, he faced a different choice: one Iraqi soldier standing among two or three civilians. He recalled one such incident, in which he and other men in his unit opened fire. He recalled watching one of the women standing near the Iraqi soldier go down.

"I'm sorry," the sergeant said. "But the chick was in the way."


... and a couple of fine quotes from the trenches:-

"The US military has been forced to admit the 8,000 Iraqi soldiers they claimed to have captured last week are now battling British forces."

"These missiles are very accurate when they hit their intended targets."

... and one from "Trench Central"

"No, I don't know that atheists should be considered as citizens, nor should they be considered as patriots. This is one nation under God" - George Bush