The UN warned Iraq today that it has exactly one week to dismantle the missiles discovered by the weapons inspectors on its soil last week. These missiles had originally been thought 'justifiable' under UN resolution as their range was within 'defensive parameters'. Weapons inspectors, however, realised that the missiles were capable of travelling several miles further than allowed, hence the decision for their destruction.

This, unfortunately, has left Iraq in a bit of a sticky situation. The missiles are their last line of defence from any invading forces and, whilst dismantling them would leave them open to attack, not dismantling them would leave them in further breach of the UN and give the Americans, Brits and Aussies (along with several other bum-licking countries) "Just Cause" to go for their jugulars with nukes and bayonets. To make matters worse, George W. Bush has been stomping around for the last few months declaring, "Bollocks to the UN. We're going to war with Iraq whether they like it or not!" Bit of a no win situation, eh?

A postcard seller in downtown Baghdad today commented, "We would fully endorse President Bush's abdication. If he was to fuck off to neighbouring Canada we could avoid a war." Unfortunately for all concerned Bush has no idea where Canada is...so basically we're all screwed.

In the meantime, Tony bin Blair today visited the Pope in Rome. Whilst Tony is a dedicated Protestant himself, his wife and various members of his family, are Catholic. (Good job they didn't get married in Northern Ireland, eh?) In the Vatican, the ageing pontiff urged Blair not to go war with Iraq. Later the Pope was declared as "Not Working" properly.

"The thing is," span Tony. "The Pontiff is supposed to be the mouthpiece of God. And President Bush is God, but He's saying something completely different to the well-meaning but ultimately blasphemous Jean Paul Ringo II. Therefore the Pontiff will have to be returned to the garage for the duration of the Iraqi conflict for an overhaul." When questioned what his own relationship to the Honourable Burning Bush was, Uncle Tony replied, "The Pope is God's mouthpiece. I'm God's ringpiece. It all works out very well as a rule."

Some words of advice to the parents of children under the age of ten who live in my neighbourhood...words that, hopefully, they will pass onto their illiterate off-spring verbatim.

1) Kids: When standing exactly fifteen inches away from your ignorant friends there is no need to shout at a volume approximating that of the World Trade Centre falling down. Not only will it send yourself and your idiotic mates deaf but it also annoys the shit out of any poor sod who happens to be trying to watch the television down the street. Such behaviour, whilst not actually being against the law (or at least children under the age of ten who shout persistently in the street aren't very likely to end up in court for doing so), it might still result in a bucket of water accidentally-on-purpose being emptied from my bedroom window onto your heads. Probably a bucket of water with several turds in it. So shut the fuck up!

2) Whilst attempting to pick the pointing from my garden wall with the end of your shitty plastic swords might be amusing for half an hour or so, it will only prove very costly for your parents in the long run. That goes for trying to uproot any pebbles from my garden path that might be within easy reach of the back gate as well, and any stone cladding that might be attached to the house. It isn't worth it! For thirty minutes of what, even to a ten year old, must be extremely boring activity, you'll just end up having to fork out your pocket money every week until the day you leave school or die...whichever comes first. So bugger off!

3) Knock-a-door-run, whilst being traditional, isn't as cool and clever as you might think. Especially considering that by the third time you rattle my letterbox I'll be waiting behind the door with a cattle prod plugged into my mains. My defence in court will be that I thought a burglar was trying to break into my property. Your defence will have to be made personally to Baby Jesus, seeing as he'll be the next person you meet after 9,000 volts of electricity has wracked your limbs into smouldering twigs.

4) Kicking footballs into my garden is not recommended. Far from cheerfully throwing said football back, I shall remove it from my snapped and knackered honeysuckle, stick a knife through the top and then hold it up in front of you so that you can watch it deflate pathetically with a sad, dispirited wheeze. And don't even think about climbing over the wall to retrieve it either. There are illegal mantraps in my garden and several banned mines that would get Princess Diana turning in her pet cemetery grave.

5) Swinging from the ivy hanging over my garden wall and into the alley is also not advisable. I have coated said ivy with a venomous poison collected from Amazonian tree frogs. To date fifteen sparrows, one seagull and a wandering puffin have all met their makers through venturing into the ivy's verdant leaves.

6) Take your stupid fucking toys home with you after you've spent the afternoon holidaying down the ginnel. I don't care if they're bust in half or if the heads have come off the Action Men. Failure to remove your disgusting orange and yellow scraps of plastic will only result in them all being heaped into a cardboard box, placed on your own front doorstep, dowsed with petrol and then set alight. The scenes of carnage that would follow such an event whilst being excellent fun for most people living in the area wouldn't be terribly beneficial to yourselves and your families.

Uncle Brian: Saving children from the perils of life in Fleetwood.

(Thanks to Mike for providing the link.)

This on the queries log:

"funny Phenylketonuria pictures"

And I thought I was the twisted one!!!!!

Turkey poised for Iraq deal with US

Turkish Prime Minister Abdullah Gul says his country will agree soon to an aid package with Washington and grant an urgent US request to use Turkish bases in preparation for war on Iraq.

"They understand our worries, we understand theirs. A result will be reached in the coming days," Mr Gul said.

Turkey and the US have been wrangling for weeks over the US request, raising the possibility Washington might abandon plans for a northern front it hopes would shorten any war on Iraq and reduce US casualties.

Turkey says the US must satisfy its political, economic and military concerns before a deal is struck.

Turkey strongly opposes war, arguing it could stir turmoil in the region and undermine its economy by boosting interest payments on its large debts, cutting tourism revenues and throttling tentative recovery from recession by raising oil prices.

Outright refusal of the US request would throw a dark cloud over ties with Turkey's closest ally.

Should Turkey fail to agree to the passage of US troops across its territory, it would forfeit a substantial amount of aid and this would send financial markets, which have assumed a deal will be sealed, into a steep fall.

Faustian contracts alive and well in international relations. Mr Turkey, if you sup with the Devil have a long spoon ... and lots of food tasters.

Mr Gul gulled ... this Thanksgiving Day George will be mostly having bastard basted Turkey.

Powell foreshadows brief military rule

"US Secretary of State Colin Powell says US military control of Iraq after any war leading to the ousting of President Saddam Hussein would be as brief as possible (caveat emptor!) and the country would then revert to civilian rule.

"As soon as we can, (caveat emptor, de nouveau!) we would want to get the military commander to transfer real authority to a civilian leadership, perhaps initially of an international character." (Ronald McDonald, Mickey Mouse, Bugs Bunny ?)

He said the process would take place as a new leadership was being groomed ("groomed" what a 'lovely' word, "groomed by whom and to what ends, he asks rhetorically) that would consist both of exiled opposition groups(I believe many can be found banged up in 5 star detention camps in the outback of Australia, locked up in the dunnies of ships turned away from Australia or, if they were really hit the jackpot, in Davy Howard's locker.) "as well as those who are inside the country who are responsible and committed to the same values that those outside the country are".

Mr Powell denied Washington wants to take over Iraq, saying its track record in Kuwait, Afghanistan and Kosovo "is not one of imperialism, it is one of doing the job, bringing peace, restoring order and getting a responsible government in place".

Yeah right!


Colon, didn't your mum tell you it's rude to point?

Say it long enough, often enough #347

Mr Straw says President Saddam Hussein's appetite for weapons of mass destruction and record of oppression makes him a unique threat to broader peace and security.

He says successful disarmament will help end the suffering of ordinary Iraqis and reassert the authority of the international rule of law.

He also believes the Iraqi leader will only respond to the genuine threat of military force.

"If we took away the military pressure there would be no cooperation on Saddam, there would be no inspections whatsoever," he said.

"The tyrrany of Saddam on his own people, the killings and the torture of his own people would go on. The intimidation of his neighbours would continue and we would have shown dictators everywhere that defiance pays."

"Who's a pretty boy?" "Jackie wants a cracker Patriot missile penny bunger."

"All Animals Are Equal. But Some Animals Are More Equal Than Others."

George Orwell: Animal Farm.

Apply where necessary. For example: David Blunkett's theory on asylum seekers. George Bush and Tony Blair's attitude towards innocent Iraqis. The Lord Chamberlain's attitude towards everyone. American foreign policy towards the Israeli/Palestinian conflict. Interestingly Animal Farm is often misread as an attack on communism. Orwell himself held staunch socialist values (see the Road to Wigan Pier). Animal Farm was in fact an attack on any form of totalitarianism. And if you were ever in any doubt about the state in which we're currently living here in the West, then I've no doubt that last week's Peace Marches and the subsequent 'Ignorance' of the people that they were aimed at should give you some indication of where the general public actually stand. It's just difficult working out which one is 'Napoleon the Pig' that's all. Probably Bush as he's still learning to walk upright.

Other News and Michael Jackson today hit back against Martin Bashir, the Channel 4 News Reporter that made the documentary, "Living with a Retard." "The programme was unfair," Jackson squeaked. "We now have video footage shot from a different angle showing the man on the grassy knoll how Bashir wormed his way into my confidence by pretending to be my friend and then made me say and do stuff that reflected badly on me." Yeah, yeah, yeah...who gives a shit? It's Friday night and it's been a long week. Now you know how all those little boys that you keep shagging feel, Jackson, the only difference being that, unlike them, it's only your ego that's been ripped to shreds and not your arsehole.

The countdown is on, the World holds its breath, the U.N. meets amid crisis ... the verdict on Shane Warne is only hours away. (About the drugs thing ... not whether he's a gross, two planks in excess of thickness prat. That's a given.)

UPDATE: "Shane Warne has been banned for 12 months by the Australian Cricket Board (ACB) after testing positive to a banned substance." O.K. everybody can go to bed now. I have appealed against the lightness of the sentence, and suggested that random amputations of his body parts might have been more in order.

UPDATE: Bugger, he's going to appeal against the decision. Everyone back up out of bed! It's going to be a long day's journey into night. Not sure how long I can stay rivetted.

In recognition of the stance taken by the opportunistic, arrogant fine, morally upstanding French nation, parts of "The Rant of the Week" are now available in the language of diplomacy.

The VERY undiplomatic version of The Rant of the Week can be found here ... wassit they say ... "not fecking worksafe at any speed". Mind you, the time it takes to do its thing you will have left work and be knocking down a Horlicks and rum before turning in for the night.

Half our queries log is taken up with people seeking (mostly naked) pics of Carol Caplin. One mischievous sprite however, seems to believe that there is a less than wholesome relationship between the (apparently) pulchritudinous Carol and her rich-but-homely friend Cherie Blair. As if two naked women in a shower, scrubbing mud off each other is reason to suspect either of them of lesbo hanky-panky. Honestly!

"Tony Blair refused to blink last night in the face of the biggest anti-war demonstrations ever held in Britain and worldwide."

"President Bush said today he would not be swayed by the massive crowds of anti-war protesters who marched in cities around the world over the weekend."

"Australian Prime Minister John Howard appears unfazed by weekend anti-war protests described by some organizers as the biggest in the country's history."

AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR.

"Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth upon this continent a new nation conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition all men are created equal.

Now we are now engaged in a great Civil War testing whether that nation or any nation so conceived and so dedicated can long endure.

We are met here on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of it as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we do this. But in a larger sense we can not dedicate, we can not consecrate, we can not hallow this ground.

Those brave men living and dead who struggled here have consecrated it far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note nor long remember what we say here but they can never forget what they did here.

It is for us the living to be dedicated to the unfinished work which they have thus far nobly carried on. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us.

That from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave their last full measure of devotion. That we hold highly in resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain.

That the nation shall have a new birth of freedom and that this government of the people, by people, by the people shall not perish from the earth." BIG ABE, Theatre Critic.

They shoot Presidents don't they?

Great Britain!

Reviewed by Great Grandma Hughes (with a little help from Doris Fosbury Bloomingdale of the Fleetwood Poetry Society).

Right...are you goin' first the Missus? What a magnificent beast this country is! 'Ave we started yet or w'at? Broad in the beam. Perky round the bosom. Well forested around the nether regions. 'Oo are we talkin' about? Not that Mrs Perkins from the florists? 'Er tits are made o' psyclone, so Mr Roberts at number 86 reckons. So nobel in spirit, so dignified in expression and yet so charming, delightful and sensuous in appearance. Can't be 'er then! When's it my turn to say sommet? From the crags of the Cheddar Gorge to the patchwork leas of the home counties. I went t' Cheddar Gorge once. Nearly broke me effin' teeth ('scuse me Anglican) on one o' the rocks. I much prefer the stuff from the Cheese Emporium on Lancaster Street. From the snow capped mountains of darkest Cumbria to the deepest vallies of sheep-covered Wales. Aye...bloody Welsh. Always fiddlin' with innocent sheep. If my 'Enry was still alive 'ee'd skin 'em alive. Couldn't stand the Welsh 'ee couldn't. Used t' call 'em a bunch of inbred yakidars. 'Ee was very perceptive like that was my 'Enry. And then, of course, there's Scotland with its wild haggis and windswept firs. Bunch o' dress wearin' faggots they are, an' all...all tossin' their cabers in public and dying their 'arses red.

God bless this cliff-mired island and all who were born here. With the exception of the nig-nogs of course. And that Mr Johnson from the launderette 'oo goes round sniffin' old ladies knickers when they're not lookin'. Needs lockin' up 'ee does...and 'is bollocks need chopping off ('scuse my Atlantian). Our grand parade of those who carved the twenty-first century with their own invention, their art and their literature. Bloody artists...they're all puffs an' all. Forever jumpin' in and out of each others' hammocks an' painting each other in the nuddy with tiny cocks. From Robert Louis Stevenson to Isambard Kingdom Brunel. Everhard 'oo? Oy...is it my turn yet? From Florence Nightingale to Stephen Hawking. 'Ee's that arse bandit in the wheelchair inee? The one w'at sounds like a dalek? From Chaucer to Shakespeare, from Dickens to Cartland. Oh, I liked 'er. She was very good. All them ripped bodices an' heavin' bosoms an' tall dark-haired men with bronz coloured shoulders an' Cumberland sausages down their slacks. From the enigmatic mists around Stonehenge, to Cromwell's introduction of Parliament, this wonderous nation has given so much to an unappreciative world. I'll go along wi' that. Bloody French wi' their beef protests and their evil, garlic ways. Don't appreciate nothin'. 'Oo saved their froggy arses durin' the war, eh? They might 'ave forgotten but we bloomin' well 'aven't! Turner, Elgar, Constable and Thackery. The Brontes and Hardy. Churchill and Gladstone. Kent and Cornwall. Aren't they solicitors? Our ages-old castles mellowed through time with their impenetrable fortresses and sad stone eyes. Mr Wilkins 'as got a glass eye. I asked 'im which one it was was an' 'ee told me t' mind me own business. So I asked 'im again and 'ee said, "It's me bloomin' Jap's eye, innit Missus!?" I didn't even know 'ee 'ad any oriental in 'im. 'Course I never spoke to 'im again after that. Our steadfast villages with their dreaming spires and masticating cows. Dirty buggers! The policemen are blue and the telephone boxes red. And they're filled with urine most o' the time an' all! Bloomin' stink they do, them boxes! I caught someone wonking off in one of 'em the other day. Said 'ee was emptying 'is colostomy. First time I've ever seen an 'ip bag full of spunk! Our welfare state, our bluebell woods, our rolling downs and tumbling broads! We back onto that Mrs Perkins again? God bless this island in its munificent sea and long might we stand fast against Iraqi terorists. Amen t' that one, Missus...Muslin bastards! Will you shut the fuck up you stupid, ignorant old bitch?!! Well I never did! 'Ow dare you speak t' me in that tone o' voice you big fat slut! Thinkin' you're bigger an' better than the rest of us just 'cos you've got a decree in stuck-up poems!

Next week: Colon Powell and Jacques Chirrac review "France!"

JOHN HOWARD

ONE OF THE BIGGEST PRICKS YOU'LL EVER MEET!

According to intelligence reports (this time NOT involving Alastair Campbell's group of trained flatworms), Saddam's missing WOMD might, literally, be all at sea. A number of Iraqi vessels put to sea prior to the arrival of Dr Hans Blix and the UN weapons inspectors in Iraq and have apparently been sailing around aimlessly.
Presumably, the vessels in question are sailing aimlessly through international waters which begs several questions: Will Bush and Blair attempt to persuade the UN to commit an act of piracy in order to sanction the enforced boarding and searching of these ships? If these vessels are boarded and searched and WOMD destruction discovered and seized, what justification will Bush and Blair have to bomb Iraq if it no longer poses a threat to international peace?

War with Iraq could cost $120bn: economists

Two of Australia's most prominent economists say it could cost Australia's economy up to $120 billion to follow the United States into a war with Iraq.

The costings have been done by Reserve Bank board member professor Warwick McKibbin and Dr Andy Stoeckel, the head of the Centre for International Economics.

Cheap at half the price I say, but I think I could solve Little John-Boy's anger management problem a little more economically with a $9.99 can of spray on Viagra.

This on the queries log:

"picture of sweaty fat footballer"
Advice - try keying in "Paul Gascoigne".

"ceramic inserts"
Advice - try keying in "rectal foreign bodies"

The Venerable Sage of Unyan Dispenser of wisdoms and sayer of sooths to the multitudes

Upon hearing that Saint Becks of the Golden Feet was accidentally smitten and wounded by a parlous act of wrath from Sir Fergie of Man-Yu, the Venerable Unyan doth say - verily this golden youth, so worshipped by the multitudes that he seemeth a very God, shouldst have been able to anticipate the trajectory of Sir Ferie's wrath and ducked!

So, Bleughh and Blunkers’ half-arsed, oh-so-public attempt to reduce the number of asylum seekers by starving and freezing them out of Britain has met with total defeat at the hands of the judiciary. Anyone surprised by this outcome? Bleughh and Blunkers aren’t. They knew exactly what would happen, hoping their bogus attempt at reform would fool us all into thinking the government was actually “doing something”.
“New” Labour incorporated Europe’s human rights legislation into English Law. They were warned that it would open the floodgates to the gross abuse of Britain’s asylum laws but, in their now familiar arrogant fashion, went ahead and did it anyway. Now the human rights issue hangs around their collective necks like a very large and putrefying albatross. See the maggots wriggle!
Who has the most to gain from this multi-billion pound industry ( Surely you mean human rights legislation? Ed.)? Who was responsible for forcing it through Parliament and onto the statute books? This feeding frenzy only attracts one type of shark – lawyers! It is not in their interests to prevent bogus asylum seekers entering this country because any such restriction (like the one practiced most successfully in Holland) would severely restrict the flow of cash into their already bulging pockets. The fact that Cherie Bleughh is a senior partner in Matrix, a firm of lawyers who specialise in the lucrative Human Rights legislation, is, we are told, not a conflict of interest – probably in the same way that Bleughh’s mentor, Lord Chancellor Irvine, didn’t get his job through an act of blatant cronyism.
To muddy the waters further, information regarding the last census has been released and it indicates that there has not been a significant rise in the number of ethnic minorities residing in Britain. Call me stupid but surely the form would only have been completed by people who had a legal right to live in Britain at the time of the census, including foreign students and foreign nationals with work permits. What about the hundreds of thousands of illegal immigrants who did not complete a census form and those who have entered the country since then?
Britain cannot continue to take in all comers regardless of status. Genuine refugees must be made welcome; to do otherwise would not be humanitarian. But there must be put in place a process by which the genuine can be sorted from the bogus and the bogus claimants deported. The Human Rights law needs either to be drastically amended or thrown out and redrafted. Of course, the judiciary will have something to say about any such move to reform Human Rights laws. And the loser, as always, is the poor bloody taxpayer!

THE LORD CHANCELLOR

ADDRESSES HIS CRITICS

Shane Warne Sent Home for Using Banned Drug.

"Shane Warne is in full damage control mode. He has called in the spinners and is secretly briefing journos like Neil Mitchell. The man he has hired is Peter Mahon, the PR flak who hung Archbishop Pell out to dry during his sex abuse scandal." SOURCE.

From Frank Flipper, Crikey's cricket-loving PR flack.
"It might be instructive for Crikey's army of spin experts to muse on the evidence of the PR campaign being mounted in Warnie's defence. Let's be real here: Warnie's defence is as much about the court of public opinion as it is the court of the ACB.
So far, I count:

*Two beautifully crafted statements, obviously not written by the Sheik of Tweak himself;

*Two strictly controlled press conferences with no interviews;

*Candid shots of Warnie at home with family;

*Consistent "blame it on mum" key messages (and a compliant mum!);



*An array of psychologists pointing to Warnie's pathological fear of fat;

*An Inside Sport interview;

*And some timely defence from friends and fellow players.

I post this under the category of "Stating the bleeding obvious". The *news* reports that hit the front page, the airwaves and the screens are like the owls in Twin Peaks, not quite what they seem. These days journalists are less likely to go to the barricades under the flag of freedom of the press than they are for freedom of the press release and a nice long free lunch with a spin doctor.

Let's have a look at the picture accompanying the Warne front page story today ... paying attention class?


"Tense wait: Shane Warne swapped the weight of his cricket worries for playing
dad yesterday when he picked up his son Jackson from pre-school."

If you look very closely you might spot Shane's PR man reflected in his sunglasses ... the guy in the shiny suit slipping a tenner to the photographer. I hope Shane is not going to use that mobile phone in his hand for more "dirty" calls to Nurse Donna Wright.

The Deputy Editor would like to see the staff member responsible for this blog appearing as a result of this search term in his office immediately. No names, Kevin Coffee ... no pack drill, but you're aboard the first Smart Camel to Iraq.

Merchant boat forced to hold asylum seeker

An Iraqi asylum seeker was reportedly held captive aboard a foreign merchant ship off West Australian waters because federal authorities refused permission for him to be offloaded at an Australian port.

The Maritime Union of Australia has told the ABC's Lateline program the man was held in atrocious conditions in a barred locker while the vessel, the Baltimar Euros, was docked in Dampier and Fremantle.

He boarded the ship illegally in Iran on November 23 and made it clear to the ship's master he was seeking refugee status in Australia.

Union official Keith McCorriston says he and others, including Federal Labor MP Carmen Lawrence, intervened on January 24 to have the man released to immigration authorities, minutes before the ship was due to sail for Turkey.

"He was very thin, very distressed. He couldn't speak very much English," Mr McCorriston said.

"He pleaded, the words we got out of him were basically, you know, 'Please help me'.

"We had grave concerns about the condition he was living in and his general wellbeing.

"[The ship's master] said he wanted him off the vessel and he was surprised, he said, that the Government wasn't assisting him.

"Even the departments weren't assisting him. And he was basically told 'This guy's got to be kept on board the vessel, locked up, the story's got to be hushed up' and left at that until such time the vessel left Fremantle, and I believe the next port of call was going to be Turkey."


Pictures on TV showed this unfortunate locked in a room smaller than your average dunny in temperatures up to 40 C. The ever compassionate Howard and his minions don't like Saddam and his minions, and they also give shortshrift to the poor bastards who are fleeing Saddam. "Not in our backyard". Sorry John boy, but the next election is going to be right in your backyard, and your backyard is looking more and more like that of Fred West.

Australia talks tough to UN

February 20 2003 By Caroline Overington New York Correspondent

Australia has emerged as the strongest supporter of America in the international debate on Iraq, telling the United Nations Security Council that it rejects giving weapons inspectors more time to disarm Saddam Hussein.

Australia was the only nation that used yesterday's special Security Council meeting to declare Iraq in "material breach" of UN resolution 1441, which set up the inspection regime.

Its stance was in contrast to most of the 27 nations that addressed yesterday's session. Most demanded that the inspectors be given more time to disarm Iraq peacefully - defying the intentions of the US and Britain to seek a new resolution authorising war.

Organ grinder George has a well oiled monkey.

What was all that racket goin' on last weekend? Stompin' and poundin' and lots of shoutin' and stuff! An' I'm not talking about the couple next door 'oo get up to all sorts with chains and sheep neither. There was 'undreds of people carryin' big sticks up and down the 'Igh Street, gettin' in me way when I was tryin' t' buy me cornplasters! At first I thought it was some good-natured locals kicking the crap ('scuse me American) out of Mr Patel from the Jiffy Shop. Naturally I dragged me tartan trolley across to where everyone was gathered an' pulled out me cricket bat w'at I always carries with me in case of rapists an' suspicious paediatricians. But then I realised that Mr Patel was one of 'em that was making all the hubble-balloon and wasn't in no danger at all. Pity really...it's been a while since I've put the boot in.

"Blair Out!" they was shouting. Not sure what it meant, but it sounded sexual. "Make tea! Not War!" Well, I likes a nice cup o' tea meself, especially if it's free an' someone else is makin' it, so I started to follow 'em. Up and down the streets they went, shoutin' and clammerin' like a pack of hydrangeas. But there wasn't a single teapot in sight. So eventually I took it upon meself to visit the Vicar, seein' as I was passin' and needed to empty me bag.

'Ee made us a nice cup o' tea and explained to me all about The Marquis de Saddam and 'ow 'ee was killin' millions of nig-nogs in 'is own country and 'ow nobody except the Prime Minister wanted to go to war with 'im. Well, I can understand that right enough. Anyone 'oo kills millions of darkies can't be all bad. Editor's note: Far be it for me to advocate censorship, but that's enough of that I reckon.

"Mr Blair says President Hussein leads what he has termed one of the most barbarous and detestable regimes in modern political history."

Tony, Tony, Tony! What's with the modesty?!

"A new opinion poll shows Mr Blair's personal popularity has dropped to minus-20 points from plus-six points six-months ago."

---

"If this was a regime that had weapons of mass destruction but was otherwise a benign regime, ruling its country well, you would think a lot harder before taking military action," Mr Blair said.

"But it is the very nature of Saddam, how he operates, his history, how he treats his people, that means that in his hands, these weapons of mass destruction are even more dangerous."

Or to put another way ...

"If this was a regime that had weapons of mass hysteria but was otherwise a benign regime, ruling its country well, you would think a lot harder before taking public protest action, but it is the very nature of Blair, how he operates, his history, how he treats his people, that means that in his hands, these weapons of mass hysteria are even more dangerous."

HALOSCAN *SEEMS* TO BE BACK IN THE LAND OF THE LIVING.

"The British antiwar protesters are wrong. Deciding policy because of protests would be as bad as deciding policy because of focus groups."

George Dubbya once again putting his foot firmly in his mouth today, blissfully unaware that 95% of Blair's policies are decided by focus groups with the exception of his 'Let's bomb Iraq Campaign' which was decided by Bush.

"This isn't an anti-war protest. It's just anti-American. Some of the rhetoric I've heard over the last few days condemns America, our ally, more than it condemns Saddam"
Tony Blair, still unable to differentiate between George Bush and the American public. Much like the allied war machine will be unable to differentiate between Saddam and the people of Iraq.

The World's Wildest Police Videos: Channel 5 Sunday nights.

Reviewed by Dame Judy Dench.

"The World's Wildest Police Chases"? Surely not! This programme should really be known as, "A collection of badly filmed videos shot from American police cars, with the odd foray into another country thrown in for good measure." (Not that it matters because, as we've all come to expect, American's believe the USA is the World anyhow.)

Well...where to start with this annoying pile of drivel that's an insult to one's intelligence? Perhaps with the presenter, Sheriff False-and-Irritating (or whatever his name is) whose head is quite obviously made of plastic and who has the uncanny ability to speak without actually opening his teeth. (Just watch him...his lips move but his teeth appear to be glued together. Very reminiscent of a ventriloquist's dummy...the sort you'd like to punch repeatedly in the face until the wood splits.)

Then there's his commentary, furiously loud but exhaustingly slow and cliché: "The chase started with two crack-head, delinquent farm-boy bums thinking they could outrun the cops. But it ended with them staring down the arresting officer's gun barrel and a good kicking in the face and neck! Those stupid assholes! When will they ever learn you can't outsmart officers of the law?" (Presumably the day they learn to read and discover for themselves that official statistics show two thirds of crime in America goes unsolved and unpunished.) "This ass-licking moron in a drugstore in Memphis pulled a gun on an innocent shopkeeper but got more than he bargained for. What he wanted was the money. What he got was the barrel of a police officer's gun in his mouth and the back of his inbred, homeboy head blown up the wall. He'll be spending his takings in the morgue!"

It staggers me exactly how many of these chases end with a shooting. Violence! You've got to love it. Guns...God bless America! And yet...a drunk drops his trousers and they pixelate his buttocks. What's that all about? They've just shown people getting mowed down on the motorway and cops putting bullets through suspects' heads, then they bother to smudge out somebody's arsecrack. The programme is crap...but it says a lot about American culture.

Next week, Nigel Havers reviews "You've Been Framed. Presented by that fat, annoying slag off Emmerdale."

In a move than has stunned the Daily Mail into silence this morning, David Blunkett has put a ban on any more 'Iraqi Refugees' entering Britain. Said Blunkett in an interview with John Sergeant, "We've done this for humanitarian reasons. It has nothing to do with racist motives or the treasury's finances whatsoever as some ignorant people are suggesting. The truth is, if we keep letting political refugees into our country then Saddam Hussein will take advantage of the situation. The unemployment figures in Iraq will drop. There will be fewer people able to stand up to the evil dictator. And an ever-decreasing population frankly makes a mockery of UN sanctions!"

What? Okay, so I made it up and the whole story's bollocks. But if Tony Blair can spin the deaths of hundreds of thousands of innocent people into some messianic moral obligation then it won't be long before the rest of his cabinet will start spinning shit into gold. The Great Leader in Korea Vs the Great Leader in Britain. It's hard to say who respects democracy less and who spins inhumanity into benevolent causes the most. They're both cunts either way. 'Nuff said!

Deputy editor testing a temporary back up/alternative means of commenting while Haloscan's commenting is "temporarily (!!!???) disabled". In beta testing only. Ride this clumsy train at your own risk.

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Even as a teenager Tony Blair was a very angry, disturbed, little man.

Tony, the weapons you seek are here

A Bush burning site found at the home of a quite different Tony

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In retaliation for the protest marches Tony Blair has pulled out the big guns in support of his 'moral argument'. (No...not John Prescott...he's just a big fat bastard.) Apparently some 'Iraqi' student sent him an e-mail explaining why he must bomb the shit out of Saddam (and, presumably, hundreds of thousands of the student's fellow country men in the process). Tony was so impressed that he quoted from the e-mail during his 'You're entitled to your opinions but I'm not listening to them' speech in Glasgow. Since that time the student responsible has appeared on just about every news and current affairs programme going. And I must admit she's difficult to argue against. After all...she's a political exile from Iraq. She knows how terrible Saddam's regime is and if she's in favour of war then who are we to say different?

Well...who we are, are people who obviously give more of a shit about the deaths of innocent people than she fucking is...that's who! Let's look at this in a slightly different context. Supposing an Irish Republican goes into exile in America. And while she's there she goes on about how evil the British Government is. (I'd be tempted to agree with her I must admit...Ireland should be handed back to the Irish regardless of what the majority of Northern Irish voters think...the rest of us are sick to the back teeth of the place.) So George Bush decides that, clearly, this political exile is speaking against a cruel regime and on behalf of her own people, thus prompting him to declare war on Britain. When you look at a parallel like that, this somewhat biased student's argument doesn't amount to much and Tony Blair's use of said argument for more spin and more propaganda amounts to even less.

For starters, she doesn't live in Iraq. She won't be the one witnessing her family die when the bombs start to fall. She'll be tucked up in her student lodgings with her copy of 'The Margaret Thatcher Years' beneath her pillow thinking about how she helped to change history and what a superb advantage this will give her in the business world in years to follow.

To draw another comparison, during the Vietnam war America decided to liberate the Vietnamese from their communist oppressors. The amount of carnage, upset and slaughter caused by the American's attempts to 'do the moral thing' were far, far worse than the 'inhumane conditions' that the Vietnamese were suffering before. The Vietnamese people themselves (i.e. those who lived through the suffering as opposed to those who were studying home economics at Bristol University at the time) said that they'd rather have stuck with the original oppression than have the American intervention. I don't particularly see why Iraqi people would think any differently. Better the devil you know than the murderous bastards you don't.

As somebody who has lived under Blair's evil regime (a regime continuing the countless years of Thatcher's and Major's dictatorships) I can say without hesitation that I'd rather put up with Uncle Tony's annoying bullshit than be invaded by America. For any Iraqi exiles reading this, I realise the Iraqi people might not have much of a voice...but whatever the Iraqi is for "Fucking Hell!" I'm sure they'll be screaming it loudly enough the minute the bombs start falling.

'Nuff said.

Ninety-six: Dr John Reid, Labour Party Chairman and irritating spokes-anus for Tony Blair. Quite possibly the most chicken-livered Glaswegian ever born, this weasly man failed to have a single thought of his own throughout his life but somehow managed to find prominence due to a series of brown-tongued antics. After being born the son of a bruised haggis and a ruddy-faced fishwife in Dunfermline in 1956, Reid began his rise to power by copying everyone and everything else around him. He passed his O levels by photocopying pages from the encyclopaedia Britannica and attained his scholarship by tracing the words from the examination paper of the student sitting next to him. (Allegedly.) Under the nom-de-plume 'Max Reid Weber' he then republished the 'Ethics of Protestant Society' and made a small fortune from it in 1975.

His plagiarism of other people's political sentiments went undetected due to it being smothered by his thick Glaswegian accent. However the charade finally started to wear thin in 2003 during the anti-war protests. Shortly after Primeminister Blair's rebuttal of the anti-war rally, Reid went on television using the exact same arguments that his snivelling, jug-eared boss had just put forward. There wasn't a single variation in words, sentence structure, ideology and/or intonation. It became even more obvious that Reid was nothing more than a feedback loop when he began to regurgitate the reporter's questions and hurl them back word for word. Fortunately he was sacked three months later with the same sort of gusto that his beloved leader met his end, before going on to write: "John Reid: My Memoirs as Tony Blair."

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I offer a moment of silly humor to get our minds off of troubling current events...

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We Aussies are ever ready to sacrifice for the greater good.

---

So what was John Howard's reaction to the peace rallies in Australia.

"I don't think the mob, to use that vernacular, has quite made up its mind on this issue."

Errrr, derrrr John (who is allegedly "a keen reader of public opinion"), what was it you didn't quite "get" over the past 2-3 days? Funny that when your much vaunted and valued "mainstream" Australians look like they're going all bolshie on you they suddenly become a "mob". You niggardly little prat!

The message is that the anti-war protesters were not "the usual suspects" you find so easy to dismiss. They represented the breadth of Australians and the depth of feeling, you shallow, myopic little maggot.


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Google, which runs the Web's premier search site, has purchased Pyra Labs, a San Francisco company that created Blogger, some of the earliest technology for writing weblogs, the increasingly popular personal and opinion journals. For Williams and his five co-workers, now Google employees, the immediate impact will be to put their blog hosting service, called Blog*Spot, on the vast network of server computers Google operates. This will make the service more reliable and robust.

In further news, it is rumoured that ROTW Editor, Mr. Byron Hughes is now in receipt of a salary that mere mortals can only dream of. Part of his salary package includes such fringe benefits as unlimited use of the gold plated skateboard for moving around the Google offices, an automatically reverse positioning baseball cap for each day of the week and 24 hour access to Ethel Frobisher, Google's cleaning lady and lap top dancer.

This email was sent to a friend's daughter who attends Columbia University, New York.

February 13, 2003

Dear Members of the Columbia Community:

We are all troubled by the high level security alert in place in New York City. It is natural - whether you were in New York on September 11, 2001 or not - to feel anxious at this time. We all do.

First, you should know that there have been no specific threats or information regarding Columbia University. Nonetheless, I want to assure all of you that we take the general alert seriously and that the safety of students and the entire Columbia community is our foremost concern.

Columbia has emergency procedures in place, which are reviewed and reevaluated periodically. Senior administration members are in frequent contact with local, state, and federal law enforcement agencies to gather the most updated information and advice on how to respond to risks. We have open lines of communication between City Hall and the NYPD. We regularly attend briefings on terrorist and other threats at Police Headquarters.

Recently, we have augmented our security on and around the Manhattan campuses, including at the entrance gates, on-campus parking garages and loading docks. In addition, the New York City Police Department has increased its security in the area near our campuses. Columbia is coordinating emergency procedures with the 26th and 33rd Precincts. Response protocols are in place enabling us to respond immediately to police department directives in the event of an emergency.

I recognize that preparedness measures may diminish, but do not eliminate, a sense of apprehensiveness in light of the threats and world events. I want to encourage all of you to continue to go about your lives, academic studies, and activities as normally as possible in these abnormal times. As a community, we also need to support each other especially during these difficult times.

I also want to remind you of the assistance available to you individually, on and off campus, and encourage you to take advantage of it as needed. Please do not hesitate to speak with your resident advisors, faculty members, Counseling and Psychological Services, Human Resources, or the Office of the Chaplain about your concerns.

Meetings in the residence halls will be held next week. We will also post any new information on the homepage.

Lee C. Bollinger.

In forwarding the above email to me, my friend added this comment.

"Interesting aside: Lee Bollinger, President of Columbia is being sued by the Bush Administration because (a) at his old post he made known his pro-choice stance and (b) he has refused to allow any military access to resources, speaking opportunities, etc at Columbia, because as long as the military discriminates against gays, he views their presence on campus as detrimental to the welfare of gay students."

THIS is exactly the sort of officially sanctioned terrorism by a rogue state that the American population needs to be both "alarmed" and "alert" about.

Another interesting aside: Tony has taken time off from the Glasgow Spin Doctoring Convention to seek out the Editor. (Referrer's log "pagan prince gay porn")

Sydney

People replaced cars in the Sydney central business district as more than 200,000 marched through the streets and rallied at Hyde Park.

Police superintendent Phil Rogerson says there were no arrests and that it was one of the biggest protests in Australian history.

"Obviously there was large protests back at the Vietnam era, but over the last 10 years we haven't seen any protests this size," he said.

People of all ages, race and persuasion gathered to take part in the anti-war walk.

Banners, placards and T-shirts all carried the same message - a peaceful resolution to the crisis
Addressing the rally, New South Wales Labor Council secretary John Robertson condemned the so-called "coalition of the willing" put together by US President George W Bush.

"It's willing to plunge the world into war, it's willing to ignore the UN, it's willing to kill innocent men, women and children, in Iraq, and it's willing to play the politics of propaganda and confusion and we will not accept that sort of coalition of the willing," he said.

Brisbane

An estimated 100,000 people marched through the city centre, with Brisbane's Lord Mayor Soorley saying the turnout sends a clear message to Mr Howard.

Adelaide

Organisers estimate over 100,000 people have gathered in the streets of Adelaide in protest against a war in Iraq.

Worldwide

The Australian marches are part of a global movement of up to eight million people in around 60 countries.

If I hear another Washington 'politician' describe Tony bin Blair as an 'exceptionally brave man' for putting his political career on the line over the impending Iraqi war, I swear I'm going to catch the next plane over to America myself and twat the bastard. We'll see who's brave or not when the toecap of my boot connects with the idiot's front teeth.

Saddam Hussein invades another country without provocation and gets described as a dangerous tin-pot dictator. Then he defies the UN and ignores the needs and opinions of his own people. Washington, quite rightly, calls him an "evil despot with no regard for democracy."

Tony Blair is set to invade another country without provocation in defiance of the UN and continues to ignore the needs and opinions of his own people. And Washington calls him "a brave man". Now there's spin in action! You'd think that Blair would have learnt by now, wouldn't you? While he's going around accusing people of being cynical and not trusting him any more he continues to pummel them with unadulterated spin and misleading rhetoric...and he still can't figure out why Britain's turned against him. Even his backbenchers are revolting...and not all of them just physically.

"But the educational system is improving," says Tony not very convincingly, as parents watch the illiteracy of their children reach new depths of ineptitude. "And the trains are running better..." he adds as thousands of commuters continue to be let down by British transport. "And the hospital waiting lists are getting shorter and the unemployment figures are less than 1,000,000 now..." he continues regardless of the fact that, even to a blind Moroccan mole that's just tunnelled its way into the garden after six months in Istanbul, it's blatantly obvious none of these 'facts' are even remotely true. Figures are manipulated. Up-to-the-minute dossiers are stolen from fifteen-year-old student papers. Every negative is spun into a positive. Death is no longer the end of life but the start of new possibilities. Even the War with Iraq, with it's projected 50,000 innocent deaths, is now more humane than the "continued sanctions" (sanctions that most of us have been arguing against for the last 12 years) "that Saddam is abusing..." Which is why the anti-war protesters have got it wrong! Er...what?! No...seriously...Tony did say that! And this pillock can't understand why we don't believe him and his cronies any more?

Unsatisfied with Britain's attitude (the people here don't love him any more...but he's a big brave soldier now...he's not going to blub, honestly) Uncle Tony has, once again, turned his attention to the USA where, according to American spin doctors, at least 50% of the population still think he's great. Of course, the real figures might be different. But there you go...live by the spin, die by the spin.

And he has the audacity to call the rest of us cynical! The jug-eared pillock!

It was good to see 70's porn star and Tony Blair's father-in-law Tony Booth attending yesterday's peace rally though. When the prime minister's father-in-law comes out in protest against him you know there's something seriously wrong. Cherie herself was believed to have been thinking about attending the demonstration but, unfortunately, she got delayed during a shopping trip to Harrods.

One last thing before I bugger off. The idea of an American Christian General being put in charge of Iraq when the war is finally won is possibly the most dangerous, most stupid and most insulting part about all this. Imagine if the situation were reversed. We all hate Tony enough now to want him to go, much as the Iraqi people hate Saddam. They're both dictatorial little tosspots. But imagine if a Muslim country got it into their heads to wage war on Britain, frighten Christian zealot Tony Blair to seek refuge in Germany and then placed a Middle-Eastern Muslim Colonel in charge of the country. How do you think that'd go down in Europe? 'Nuff said...time for cribbage.

The Great British Public today decided to 'unilaterally' attack America, topple the evil dictator George Dubbya Bush and replace him with a Welsh Methodist until such times as the American people start to understand the principles behind democratic politics. "We don't care if we haven't got the backing of the government," said George Swallow of the Fisherman's Arms, Kirby. "The Butcher of Texas needs removing from power. He is clearly a threat to world peace."

This much is true. Bush, a failed oil tycoon, has been amassing weapons of mass destruction to the point of global obliteration for many years now and has been talking about the imminent invasion of various Middle-Eastern countries as part of his World Americanisation program. A religious zealot Bush is also responsible for killing his own citizens and, indeed, holds the record for the most number of executed prisoners in Texas over a twelve-month period.

"We cannot continue to let this bastard humiliate the World," commented Mrs Dunstable of Grange-Over-Sands during one of her coffee mornings. "There will be collateral damage, inevitably," she added. "But, having seen the pathetic activities of the United States Armed Forces so far, the Brits shouldn't have much of a problem and the war will no doubt be over very quickly." Bush's track record hasn't exactly been exemplary so far it must be said. Following September 11th his war on Afghanistan resulted in hundreds of thousands of innocent people dying whilst the Al Quaeda network and Osama bin Laden simply dissipated to cause terrorism around the globe.

Accusations have been levelled at the British people for 'turning their backs on what was once an ally during the Second World War.' "Bollocks!" said Arthur Hornblower of Stanstead Green. "The yanks seem to think they went to war against the Nazis for the sole purpose of helping the Brits and the French out of a tight hole. I don't know where they've got that idea from! The truth is they only joined the war after Pearl Harbour was attacked and they had no option. Until that point they couldn't be arsed...so they can stuff their philanthropic pretensions up their fat, lard-filled backsides. We don't owe them anything! It was us Brits along with the Ozzies and the Kanucks what stood up to 'Itler despite the fact that we weren't even about to get invaded. Fuckin' big 'eaded patronising Yanks. I say let's bring the bastards down to size."

The majority of the British people, however, feel it important to point out that, "They have no quarrel with the Americans themselves. Just their leader." "If George Bush fancies taking the easy way out and buggering off into exile," commented Hilda Bracket of Dunfermline. "Then it would save us all a lot of bother. In the meantime we're pushing for a government proposal on this issue. If we don't get one then we'll be going to war with America anyway whether they like it or not."

The saga continues...

IRAQ LATEST

SADDAM CLAIMS ANOTHER VICTORY

DOLLY THE SHEEP

R.I.P

SAFE....

IN THEIR HANDS?

(In the absence of Haloscan) OR CHICKEN SHITS?