Saturday, March 15, 2003


(And just in case you've forgotten who we're following into if you ever would)

"This case has had full analyzation and has been looked at a lot. I understand the emotionality of death penalty cases." -- Seattle Post-Intelligencer, June 23, 2000.

"We cannot let terriers hold this nation hostile.''

"They said this issue wouldn't resignate with the people. They've been proved wrong, it does resignate."

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."— LaCrosse, Wis. Oct. 18, 2000

"Drug therapies are replacing a lot of medicines as we used to know it."

"I mean, there needs to be a wholesale effort against racial profiling, which is illiterate children." — Second presidential debate, Oct. 11, 2000

"It's going to require numerous IRA agents." — On Gore's tax plan, Greensboro, N.C. Oct. 10, 2000

"It's a school full of so-called at-risk children. It's how we, unfortunately, label certain children. It means basically they can't learn... It's one of the best schools in Houston."

"... I've been talking to Vicente Fox, the new president of Mexico... I know him... to have gas and oil sent to U.S.... so we'll not depend on foreign oil..." -- on the first Presidential debate, 10/03/2000

"One of the common denominators I have found is that expectations rise above that which is expected." -- Los Angeles, Sept. 27, 2000

"...more and more of our imports are coming from overseas." -- On NPR's Morning Edition

"I am a person who recognizes the fallacy of humans..."

"A tax cut is really one of the anecdotes to coming out of an economic illness."-- The Edge With Paula Zahn, Sept. 18, 2000

"We'll let our friends be the peacekeepers and the great country called America will be the pacemakers."—Houston,Texas, Sept. 6, 2000

"The point is, this is a way to help inoculate me about what has come and is coming."

Friday, March 14, 2003

I don't mean to change the subject, if there was one to begin with, but Brian has been left to rant on his own and I JUST FOUND OUT THAT JESUS WAS A LESBIAN! Yes, it's all here, and I think all ranters should visit this site immediately and have fun letting these man-haters know what you think of their new religion....

Click here to learn all about the lesbian Jesus!

Editor's note: "...There is nothing natural about Three-Gods-in-One; there is everything natural about Three-Goddesses-in-One..." The Goddess of Russian Dolls? Three on one lesbian action...sounds great to me! "...Jesus Christ was a Womun..." What's a "Womun" exactly? Sounds like something Tarzan would grunt. I take it Jesus' beard was false then? Mind you I can believe'd take a woman to create such a fucked-up religion as Christianity, the cause behind so many wars, so much persecution, so much bigotry and so much drivel through the centuries. Kevin, thank you for stepping in to make a break between my postings. Please hand these redundancy notices to Mr Cooper, Mr Weaver and Mr Morgan if you happen across them and they haven't got a damned fine excuse for going absent.

Buggering Nora! It's sodding Comic Relief Red bloody Nose Day again! I hate this biannual (or whatever it is) charity fest. If I had my way it'd be Broken Nose Day with a couple of black eyes, a ruptured spleen and a fractured knee cap for every twat in a clown's outfit that accosts me in Iceland with a bucket. If there's one thing I can't stand it's being pressured into giving to charity. Public humiliation at the hands of some sexually twisted tosspot in a big fucking nappy! I'm not rich you stupid bastards! Leave me alone and donate more money yourself if it's that important to you. Or better still pay a bit more tax and stop voting the tax-reducing parties into power! If I want to give my last few coppers to charity I'll give it to the RSPCA or some other worthy cause...not to some BBC sponsored load of PR crap!

Not that I particularly disagree with Comic Relief in principle. I don't mind the hastily written sketches that go on all night in which various British 'humorists' show how unfunny they actually are when put on the spot. I don't particularly lose my temper at Billy Connelly getting his dick out every year or tired old hacks like Gryff Rhys Jones (or however that's spelt) trying to summon up some publicity for their latest books. What I do object to, however, is the horrible cash-in, ingenuous promotions made by ASDA and the Midlands Bank and other such tossers. "Our staff members all dressed up as penises for twenty-four hours and managed to raise fifteen quid." You're a fucking bank for Christ's sake! You deal in quizillions of quid every hour. I should know...most of it's the interest on my mortgage. You can buy yourselves publicity mates...but you can't buy ethics or a moral conscience. Now fuck off and stop trying to make me feel guilty about being poor!

Of course the other thing I can't stand about Comic Relief...the other really, incredibly, desperately annoying thing that makes me want to vomit blood and spit acid in their the plethora of retarded gits who take to the streets with buckets dressed as schoolgirls, nuns, commandos or any other sexual fantasy that they're daren't admit to their bloody spouses! It isn't funny! It isn't entertaining! And it isn't going to wash with me!

Having said all that, this year I'm going to take part. I've decided to sponsor myself. I'm going to donate fifty pence for every 'Comic Relief Charity Worker' that I manage to drench with urine. Fifty pence for every ginger wig that my piss removes from some wanker's head. Fifty pence for every lipstick freckle that gets drenched, for every pair of baggy trousers that gets ruined and for every bucket waving pervert that gets thoroughly soaked! It's for charity you understand, so I'm sure you won't mind...

Thursday, March 13, 2003

Investigations into alleged rape and inappropriate dealings concerning 'official presents' at St James' Palace...investigations lead by close friend and personal confident to Prince Charles, Michael Peak...have revealed today that absolutely nothing wrong has ever happened anywhere within fifteen miles of the Royal Family. "Oh...apart from a couple of presents that were sold accidentally to a pawn shop in Islington, obviously," Sir Michael said when confronted with the receipts. "Didn't I mention them earlier? There was a bit of confusion about them apparently. Some of the servants got it into their heads that a fifteen thousand pound jewel encrusted solid gold ship from the Sultan of Kazakstan was just some cheap tacky ornament and was up for grabs. The Queen Mum (God rest her brown choppers) was always buying bits of cheap tat from the local Oxfam and the objects became confused in the servants' tiny minds. However the bum-rape allegations against Chuck's private secretary are completely unfounded. We have checked the royal wardrobes and have found no little black thongs with six-month old spunk encrusted into their smoking cigar of any description in fact."

Accusations of a whitewash have been levelled at the palace...especially since the private secretary involved today resigned, was paid a substantial sum of money to 'help with his housing costs' and then given a new post...still in the palace. "I strenuously deny any whitewash," Sir Michael Peak replied. "Apart from the stuff on Charles' buttocks of course...oh, what have I said?"

Across the Atlantic the Bush Administration has decided that it isn't going to pay a single cent towards the cost of rebuilding Iraq following the war. "Bugger that!" commented Donald Rumsfelt. "We've already got a budget deficit stretching into trillions. No...the rest of you can finance the reconstruction of those Muslim towel-heads' crappy little mud huts." However, it has also emerged that 'Rebuilding Contracts' have been put out to tender by the American government and not a single one of them has actually been offered to anybody outside the USA.

"The thing is..." snarled George W. Bush, having been accidentally let off his leash for a few moments. "We're up to our eyeballs in debt. This way we can coin in the readies to clear our deficit without having to fork anything out in return. In fact, now that we've got this situation under control, we've realised that the more damage we do to Iraq the more money America will make from its reconstruction."

The full implications of America's 'moral crusade' are fast becoming clear. The situation could be compared with a criminal breaking into somebody's house, killing their family, strangling their pets, wrecking the furniture and setting fire to the garden...and then having a legal precedent to charge their victims to botch up the repairs afterwards without having to worry about any refunding. No wonder the bastards want to start this war so quickly.

And the British government wonders why the crime rate has shot through the roof. Between Blair, Bush, Howard and the Windsors (not to mention the Arch Chancellor, Major Charles Thieving Bastard of "I tried to cheat on Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" fame and numerous other inbred, immoral, unethical, depraved, vile, blood sucking upper crust chinless wonders) the examples being set for the lower orders are on a level with the Mafia.

"We must fight for our western values, our moral virtue and our democracy..." said Mrs Jelly of Ward one-oh-one, Fleetwood psychiatric hospital. "The fact that Tony Blair can't get a second resolution on Iraq only goes to prove that the anti-war coalition...especially the French...are all ignorant bastards." At which point she passed out as the serum kicked in.

Editor's p.s. Seeing as all the Rant of the Week staff have buggered off...just as war is about to break out...leaving me completely alone and in the lurch, so to there anybody out there who'd like to join the dedicated team me here at the board. If so...please leave your e-mail address, bosom size and other statistics in the comments box below. Thanks! (Me thinks there's going to be more sackings than in the Labour party around these postings soon.)

Deputy Editor Sedgwick signing in from the Pina Colada section of Bondi Beach for a wee moment.

...Kylie get your boobs out of my face, I'm trying to type a message to the Editor, he holds the future of my career in his hands for Godsake! Kylie, I know the bit of me that you have in your hands is totally awesome and captivating but there are other pressing matters to be dealt with ... with of which to deal ... of which dealing to from at with which to must be prepositionally undangled ...

Yes, good and benificent Editor who passeth all misunderstanding, my site is at 6s and 7s for a wee while as my ISP upgrades etc (code for "the cleaning lady has lost the key to room containing all of the computer thingies, and we can't get in until one of the Timpsons turns up with a wire coat hanger") This message was on the "Status Page" ...

"Last check done on Friday, 14 March 2003 1:33:10 PM Maintenance indicates only partial service available. Please see details below."

... and it will not surprise you to learn that "details below" consisted of a blank space.

Thora Hird says:

"Nve udda throke tho thuck uff!"

Wednesday, March 12, 2003

An unjust peace is better than a just war...

Marcus Tullius Cicero

More than an end to war, we want an end to the beginnings of all wars.

Franklin D. Roosevelt

War will disappear only when men shall take no part whatever in violence and shall be ready to suffer every persecution that their abstention will bring them. It is the only way to abolish war.

Anatole France

Older men declare war. But it is the youth that must fight and die.

Herbert Hoover

Donald Bumfeeler indicated last night that should the UN not pass a second resolution on Iraq then America might go to war without the help of Britain. (God knows what's happened to Australia in all of this...too busy preparing for the Woga-woga sheep dipping championships to make much of an impact at the moment I suspect.) When asked to clarify the statement Mr Rumspud replied that he was being polite. He wanted Uncle Tony to know that, in view of the increasing pressures from Tony I-don't-care's own cabinet (not to mention his wife's wardrobe, three shoe trees and a tie rack outside Bristol), he was being offered a 'Get Out' clause. We have taken Mr Bumsrush's statement and run it through the Rant of the Week Spin Translator. Once stripped of its bullshit the statement actually reads: "There's the distinctly sulphurous stench of rebellion in the air around the British parliament. Without a second UN resolution the chances are that Tony Swear will be tied naked to a Riding Stang and jeered through the streets of Coventry. Bubbly Diane Abbott, having taken her rightful position as Prime Minister, will not back any unilateral US war. Therefore America is fucked and might as well admit that they'll be on their own."

Still battling on against the rising tide of public hatred (Clare Shortstraw was noticeably absent from Prime Minister's Questions this dinnertime), Tony Blair Witch has drawn up a new set of demands with which Madam Hussein must comply to avoid war. These new rules will be put before the UN Security Council in order, hopefully, to bring the dissenters (Russia, Germany and France) on board with current British and American none-thinking. The list includes Saddarse appearing on Iraqi television and admitting that he has weapons of mass destruction, has been a very naughty boy, has lied to everyone about the size of his moustache and is willing to bare his buttocks to inspectors to verify that Prime Minster Blair's face is tattooed on one cheek and President Bush's on the other. (Apparently John Howard's face is somewhere between them.)

Yeah right...what are the chances of that happening eh? And Tony Bleugh keeps insisting that he's doing his best to avoid conflict.

Meanwhile Iraq today was showing off its military forces. The Baghdad Helicopter Wing Walkers Formation Team put on a particularly impressive display when sixteen soldiers hung from a specially constructed wire frame beneath a helicopter. ( ribs are still aching after seeing the footage on Channel 5 news.) "Look out boys...zers there a smart missle heading our vay." Whee... (Violent swinging of the large trapeze as the missile shoots between the formation teams' legs.) "Ha ha! Zat showed those Yankie devils!"

Donald Fuzzyfelt was obviously disturbed by the threat these images posed as America showed off the new MOAB...a bomb capable of destroying nuclear bunkers in a single strike. For some reason this raised a titter of delight amongst Rumbaba's audience. Somehow I doubt it'll be raising many smirks on the faces of the Iraqi peasants who end up beneath it.

Senior Australian intelligence officer quits over Iraq

A senior Australian intelligence officer has quit in protest over Australia's support for a possible war against Iraq.

Andrew Wilkie, a senior analyst at the Office of National Assessments (ONA), says the Australian Government's policy on Iraq is "dumb" and "not worth the risk".

The Australian Foreign Minister Alexander "Babyface" Downer immediately sought to hose the whole thing down by stating "In Mr Wilkie's case he is, I'm not sure how senior to be honest, I'm not sure he's terribly senior in the media, he will be increasingly senior over the next few days as is the way, but in any case I may have met him - I don't remember meeting him but I could be wrong there."

For your information Minister Goebbels Mr. Wilkie was senior enough to be one of the analysts who would be on the team assessing the situation were (when!) Australia joins the other two renegade nations in their war on Iraq.

We await leaked information about Mr. Wilkie being a sado-masochistic child molester, wombat buggerer and school lunch money thief.

And in further Not the Nine O'Clock News ...

US court decision over Hicks 'astounding': Aust lawyer

"The lawyer representing alleged Australian Taliban fighter David Hicks says an appeal will be lodged with the United States Supreme Court in another bid to have him released from military custody in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

It follows the overnight decision by three judges that the court had no jurisdiction over the case for Mr Hicks or the other Australian in custody, Mamdouh Habib.

The judges ruled the military base was not part of US territory and therefore the court could not provide foreigners outside the US with any legal redress."

Hicks may be a vicious evil Taliban operative, though more likely a lost, lonely and deluded soul seeking the one and only true Cat Stevens, but he is an Australian citizen. An Australian held virtually incommunicado for months and months ... ironically in Cuba which is ruled by Saddam Castro, America's previous "Most Evil Dictator of the Millenium". "Mr. Hicks, you have the right to remain silent, unseen and unrepresented for the term of your unnatural life." The communication that is graciously granted by his hosts is via the Red Cross (which takes 3 months) and must only contain family matters, anything to do with legal matters is verboten.

Maybe I'm seeing this through the wrong and Pollyanna end of the telescope but it seems to me the U.S. has taken unto itself the unilateral right to lock up a non American citizen in a foreign country that the U.S. abhors and effectively throw away the key. The same freedom loving U.S. that is currently strong arming the U.N. to back the sacking of a regime because, amongst other things, it ignores human and civil rights.

Airlines stand to post record losses. Airline fuel prices have doubled.

Military budgets around the world have expanded at the expense of expendable items like education, environment, social security and health care.

Petrol/gas prices are through the roof.

Share prices around the globe are plummeting.

Communities around the world are variously alert, alarmed or paranoid.

Communities that lived side by side in harmony, or at least forebearance, view each other with suspicion.

Civil liberties are curtailed for the greater good.

The leaders of Britain, Australia and America are widely reviled by their fellow countrymen and party members.

Countries that were allies are ready to garrotte each other at the drop of a chapeau.

Forget a war to defeat terrorism. Without guiding another plane into a skyscraper, without blowing up another nightclub, without slipping one drop of ricin into a thickshake, the terrorists have already won. The more the three stooges ratchet up the fear, the hysteria and the bellicosity, the more trophies the terrorists can place on the mantlepiece to mark their victory.

Sorry about all this woolly thinking. It's warm here in Sydney and the humidity is stifling, obviously my mind has been severely addled.

Tuesday, March 11, 2003

Thirteen Shopping Days until Armageddon. America says second UN Resolution can go stuff itself. France says it will veto Second UN Resolution anyhow. You can cry Uncle indeed from your recent television appearances you appear to be's all very sad I know...but you won't be crying anywhere near as much as the relatives of the half a million innocent people that Bush the Bastard is about to kill. 'Nuff said...and now it's time for:

Bugger me sideways ('scuse me Colon)! Got a call from that darkie doctor w'at runs the 'ospital this mornin'.

"Mrs Huggies?" 'ee says in 'is annoyin' Punami accent.

"It's Mrs Yoos to the likes o' you, y' ignorant nig-nog!" I replies. "And what's the idea callin' me up when I'm in the middle of Fern Britton?"

"It's about your sister, Thorax," 'ee remarks all 'aughty like. "I'm afraid she's 'ad a stroke."

"That don't surprise me none..." said I, turnin' the sound up on the telly. "She's always 'ad a thing about doctors. Even the brown ones. You'll just 'ave t' keep your distance from 'er next time."

Any'ow, t' cut a long story short (Editor's note: Thank fuck for that) it turns out me sister, Thora (not that she's any sister o' mine...least not since I disowned 'er for appearin' on that "Dregs o' the Summer Wine" programme with Captain Peacock and 'im out of Wallace and Gromit) has suffered some sort of 'eart 'attack. Apparently she was overdoin' it on 'er Stannah chair lift and blew a gasket. Silly old bessom. So I 'ad t' get an ambuliance t' take me round to the 'ospital to see 'er.

"We're not sure 'ow bad it is," said Dr Patticake or whatever 'is name is.

"Is she dead?" I asked, all concerned about the will.

"We don't think so," Dr Paki-cakes replies.

"Then it's bad enough," says I and I 'it 'im with me Zimmer.

The problem is, y' see, our Thora is regarded as some sort o' British Institution. She ought t' be in one as far as I'm concerned! Pantomime Dame Thora Hird...that's what she calls 'erself...stuck up old hen...she changed 'er name when she married that Conservative Foreign Office minister back in the eighties at the age of an 'undred an' thirty-three. Then she started actin' the goat...mekkin' all those adverts for expensive biddies about beds what bend in the middle an' baths y' can walk into. Bloody modern-fangled stuff. It's dangerous I tell y'! We 'ad t' make do with tin baths in front o' the fire when we were younger...frightened the vicar a bit but 'ee got used to it...and chairs what just rocked back and forth due to their legs bein' bust. All that electricity bein' so close t' the ain't natural. It's 'ardly surprisin' she's 'ad a streak.

We 'ad dozens o' them broken bed things turnin' up on the doorstep at one point.

"Courtesy o' Stannah!" the delivery bloke said.

"Aye...well y' can just take 'em back to Stannah and shove 'em where the sun don't shine," I told 'im bluntly. "I don't want none of this revoked control crap ('scuse my Cockney) litterin' up me 'ouse."

Any'ow, gettin' back t' Thora's constitution...I couldn't tell whether she was dead or not meself. She always looked the same, t' be 'onest. If 'er lips weren't movin' she resembled a big pink cabbage. I doubt she'll be doin' any more actin' up though. I left 'er some grapes and a Queen Mother jigsaw what I 'ad left over from the funeral. (God Bless 'Er.) Then I caught the ambuliance back 'ome again in time f'r Neighbours. Bloomin' family...they can all frig off ('scuse me Dutch Cap) as far as I'm concerned. I'm an 'undred and forty-none y' know, and I've 'ad nowt t' do with 'em since that incident with the dishmop.

As the war against Iraq looms ever closer (especially after Bush's announcement of "Bollocks to the UN" today) thousands of American troops continue to be shipped out to the Missle East. This is costing America a fortune...although not as much as it's going to cost in weapons and missiles and bombs as soon as the fun kicks off. The financial crisis back in the Land of the Not-Quite-So-Free-As-We-Originally-Thought is even deeper though. According to Newsnight last night numerous factors, including the war but mainly a succession of tax cuts by George "I'm full of my own shit" Bush and his predessessors, have pushed America into the red to the tune of several trillion dollars. did read that right. That's "Trillion"! Not "Billion" or "Million" but "Trillion". Like me you probably thought that "Trillion" was a made-up Squigillion of Schznpillion...but it's not...and that's how much debt America now owes.

Despite these horrific figures Bush jr continues to cut taxes to keep his electorate quiet...plunging the good old US of A into a financial quagmire the likes of which are almost incomprehensible. So much so, in fact, that courtrooms across America are now thinking of seeking corporate sponsorship for some of their trials. "Serial Killers...sponsored by McDonalds" etc. Administrative centres are having to make huge cut backs in their opening hours and their workforces causing untold chaos. And, as always, the ordinary working citizen is having to take up the slack. (Never did like paying taxes much did you America? It's a slightly different story when you can't be arsed paying them to yourselves though, wouldn't you agree?)

And if you thought that was bad, the imminent war is going to make matters a lot worse. Hostilities will put Iraq's oil wells out of business, if only temporarily, and, whilst Saudi Arabia has promised to do everything it can to help (I'm sure they have), the price of petrol is set to leap up to a staggering four hundred per cent as soon as war breaks out. Naturally this will force a recession as smaller businesses relying on oil in one form or another go under and consumer goods rocket in price. long America. It was nice having met you...well, some of you anyway. The right-wing evangelical Christian types were entertaining if not a bit frightening. And the Pro-Lifers made Adolf Hitler look like a liberal kind of bloke. It's a pity about the average, decent, honest Americans I've met on my travels...but I suspect you'll all be cancelling your subscriptions to the Internet soon due to your ever-tightening belts. Before you leave these cyber corridors bit of advice. Get rid of Bush! Get rid of him now! Stop this ridiculous war mongering by your government! And, oh yes, start kissing France's perfumed arse. I don't know about putting sanctions on French goods, but you're going to need every bit of help you can get by the time Bush has finished fucking you all up your bottoms for his own entertainment.

Deputy Editor has packed his bags for a week here.

Wake me up when the war is over.

Monday, March 10, 2003

Clare Short has threatened to resign her post as the ugliest woman in the British Cabinet...leaving the position wide open (along with Robin Cook's legs) for Margaret Beckett to gallop straight into with her teeth akimbo...if Tony Blair wages war on Iraq without a second UN resolution and/or a pay increase and an extra bucket of chips every month. The bid for publicity blow for the facially disabled came on a Radio 4 programme yesterday (which is why nobody actually heard it) and speculation is rife as to whether any more ministers will resign their £50,000 a year seats. (Haven't heard much clamouring amongst the New Labour pacifists in this direction's amazing how quickly consciences take a back seat when stupendous wages are at stake.)

The British press, more normally found scouring the foetid gutters and waste disposal pipes of the talentless but famous, naturally want to know why Uncle Tony hasn't sacked his gargoylic minister yet. Apart from the obvious fact that he doesn't want to be seen as any more totalitarian than he already is (is that actually possible?) the truth is that George W Fishy-Bush has current control of Tony's balls. The American president is believed to be using them in a game of bar-skittles with Donald Duck Bums-felt.

With the UN split, most of Europe against him, most of Britain against him, most of his party against him, the Archbishop of Canterbury, the Pope and Jesus against him...and now with cabinet ministers threatening to resign if he doesn't bare his arse in Burton's windows and poke George Fanny repeatedly in the jap's eye...Tony Blair looks set to be dethroned. (Surely not...God said he wouldn't interfere in the lives of men again, didn't he?)

Michael Portillo (slug impersonator and Tory Whip fondler) has already put in a leadership bid, but the most probable replacement would be Gordon 'Glass Eye' Brown. (My woife's a big fan of his, yessiree!) Under no circumstances must this happen! For shit's sake's people...don't let Clare 'my head is like a lump of suet that should have been put out to stud years ago' Short pave the way for Fatfuqua Brown to take charge of the country. Vote Diane Abbott for Prime Minister now! Start marches! Spearhead campaigns! No more ugly, retarded bastards in government!

Other news and motorcycling guru and seventies teen-idol Barry Sheen has lost his fight against Cancer. Said a spokesperson for ITV's Celebrity Boxing, "That's the last time we'll be organising one of these bouts. It was one thing to see Les Dennis and Bob Mortimer kicking ten buckets of shit out of each other...they've still got plenty of it left. But to put an obviously sick man up against of Granada's steroid abusing Gladiators...was a travesty of justice and very poor entertainment."

Apart from that Mrs did you enjoy the show?

Meanwhile the countdown to war continues with less than fourteen shopping days left before the price of oil, camel fat and tea towels go through the roof.


Mar 8 2003 By Paul Gilfeather

"George Bush pulled out of a speech to the European Parliament when MEPs wouldn't guarantee a standing ovation.

Senior White House officials said the President would only go to Strasbourg to talk about Iraq if he had a stage-managed welcome.

A source close to negotiations said last night: "President Bush agreed to a speech but insisted he get a standing ovation like at the State of the Union address.

"His people also insisted there were no protests, or heckling.

"I believe it would be a crucial speech for Mr Bush to make in light of the opposition here to war. But unless he only gets adulation and praise, then it will never happen."

Mr Bush's every appearance in the US is stage-managed, with audiences full of supporters."


US asked for expulsion of Iraqi diplomats.

The United States Embassy in Australia has revealed America has asked a number of "host countries" to expel Iraqi diplomats.

The statement comes as the Australian Government insists it was not pressured by the US administration to eject an Iraqi attache in Australia.

The Australian Government says Helal Ibrahim Aaref has been involved in espionage, and must leave the country by Wednesday.

"No they haven't put pressure on us but we have had extensive discussions with the Americans about this issue, of course we have," Mr Downer said.

Meanwhile, acting Prime Minister John Anderson says the Australian Government will not respond to an Iraqi diplomat's challenge to prove he has been spying.

"We've taken what we regard as appropriate action," Mr Anderson said.

"We are not going to rise to that sort of challenge."

The Ten Ton American Gorilla asks Australia to expel Iraqi diplomats.

The Australian Foreign Minister responds in his usual fiercely independent manner. "Please Sir, how many?"

... and the Blog turned up when Alexander did a bit of searching after the extensive discussions with his masters.
(Run mouse over the link for a clue)

Fancy anyone thinking the Ten Ton Gorilla would resort to dirty tricks. There just isn't that sort of culture in the American administration.

Sunday, March 09, 2003


This week we've had quite a mixed bag of letters. Unfortunately most of them were worded exactly the same but sent with different e-mail addresses. So, for the sake of brevity, let's just read a few at random.

Firstly an e-mail from Randy Granny Potter who writes to tell us that 'children say the funniest things'. Last week her three year old grand daughter was sitting in front of the Playstation when she suddenly yelled, "Fuck off you cunt!" "At first we were shocked," admitted Granny. "But later we saw the funny side." Same here Granny. You've won our STAR LETTER of the WEEK. A copy of the Feral Eye Cartoon Collection is on it's way to you as I type.

Next up, our runner-up prize of two Feral Eye Cartoon Collection books, has been sent to wants to know if I'm going to subscribe to 'Septic Tanks Monthly'? Well, put it simply, no. We might be a bit behind the times here in Fleetwood but we do actually have a sewerage system. Thanks for the offer anyhow.

Now we come on to HHH* who, apparently, also goes under the name of Benjamin Satali and is the general manager of the First Sudanese Bank. He was wondering if I'd be interested in helping him look after $30,000,000.00 and could I kindly send him my bank account number so that he can deposit it there straight away? Naturally, being an obliging sort of person with the interests of Third World at heart, I have sent him my details and look forward to seeing my coffers swell.

Speaking of swelling, wrote to tell me of a great new offer on a Secret College Dorm Web-cam site. The site is run for the benefit of perverts although Nicola and Georgia, two bouncy cheerleaders who spend most of their time in various states of undress, have no idea that they're being filmed. This is a site I feel I ought to look into at some point in the near future...just as soon as I can unlock some of the funds recently granted me by the First Sudanese Bank.

Our next letter was sent by who wrote to tell us of an 'exciting new herbal alternative to Viagra'. This miracle wonder drug will add fifteen inches to my penis and give me wood all night...allegedly. At only $30.00 a bottle it seems like a bargain...especially now that I'm rich beyond my wildest dreams. Watch out Nicola and Georgia...I'll be on way over as soon as I've finished digging out the septic tank.

And finally, we've had a letter in from my sister Janet. She says that she's full of the flu but now that she's the chair person of the local flower club she's still got to face her responsibilities whether she likes it or not. However she hasn't been to work all week because she's been feeling too sick. I should hope not...she doesn't want to go sneezing all over the chips in the cafe does she?

That's it for another week folks. If you have anything interesting you'd like to send us, any amusing anecdotes, photographs of yourselves in the nude or free concert tickets then don't let us put you off. Unfortunately we cannot return any food products or 'Ejaculation Delay Cream' but Deputy Editor Sedgwick will do his best to find everything a good home.