Friday, January 30, 2004

Hello Happiness...

To quote Alistair Campbell's diary, as read to the extremely impartial Lord Hutton during the inquiry that, should Tony Blair forget, the rest of us watched in full and managed to make up our own minds about..."We need to fuck Andrew Gilligan where it hurts!"
Mission accomplished it would appear. And Greg Dyke's head hits the floor with a well-aimed machette courtesy of Campbell and Blair as well!
I never thought I'd find myself defending the BBC...or to give it its proper Orwellian name, 'The Ministry of Truth' (no seriously...Orwell's Ministry of Truth really was actually aimed at the BBC where he originally worked before becoming a novelist)...but in this particular instance I'll gladly side with them.
The Hutton report is one step closer to all-out facism. So far we've had the removal of human rights, access to lawyers and freedom of choice because of terrorist fears, the increase of racism in the form of convincing the general public that asylum seekers who are trying to escape the horrors of dictatorship have no place in our glorious nation, and the restructuring of education only for those elite enough to accept a right-wing agenda. And now Auntie Beeb is being forced to rethink itself and comply with government spin, or to put it another way, the surpression of real news in favour of pro-government rhetoric.
At this rate the television will be full of scenes of Tony Blair every night set to up-lifting music after the fashion of Saddam in his salad days. Oh wait...we already had that at the election.
These are disturbing times. To think my grandfather fought a war to keep fascism at bay! And now we've elected it into power...and we smile happily as the rascism rises, the oppression tightens and the right-wing religious extremists remove truth, freedom and tolerance from our daily lives.
Tony Blair is a lying shit! He did 'Sex-up' the dossier. Claire Short and Robin Cook, along with various heads of intelligence that Lord Fucking Hutton conveniently ignored, actually said so on Channel Fours 'What the Hutton Report Won't Tell You' as broadcast the other night.
I don't know what Screaming Lord Hutton's fucking definition of 'a lie' is. But to me, somebody altering the wording of a document in order to sell it incorrectly to a cynical country as a basis to murder thousands of innocent people abroad constitutes a lie of fucking enormous proportions!
As for Campbell...what a cunt! What an unbelievable cunt! He wasn't even elected for Christ's sake!
So...the question is we let these bastards continue to destroy democracy? Do we allow them free reign to lock people up without question, to censor the news, to control our lives, to destroy freedom of choice and to keep us subdued?
Unfortunately the answer is yes...because we've got our football and our 'I'm a Celebrity, Get me out of here' and our Harry Potter et al. And as long as we've got our mindless shit then we're happy, right?
Well, tough shit folks...we're going down.
And so's my bottle of Scotch.

The Lord is my shepherd.

The long awaited Hutton Report has been rapturously welcomed by Tony Blair.

British prime minister Tony Blair said a judge's report into the suicide of an Iraq weapons expert had exonerated him of the charges of lying to parliament and cleared his government of any underhand dealings.

"Lord Hutton has concluded that all of my government's ridiculous claims, exaggerations, inaccuracies and massive whirling dervish spin doctoring of the British intelligence dossier were the result of honest error, not of dishonest scheming."

"I am proud to lead a government that does not engage in deception. I am proud to lead a government that listens to the people. If these people happen to be inept, ill-informed and incompetent Dolly the sheep toadies is that my fault? (Not that thay are of course.) No, and the good Lord agrees. How much worse would it be if the British public had to suffer an arrogant government which only listened to smartarses, experts and boffins? My government is on first name terms with the vast range of well qualified soothsayers, conspiracy theorists and spoon-benders and these are very nice people with their hearts and minds in the right place. Cherie even knows a nice bloke from Australia who has lots of good ideas about lots of things. If more Australians were like Peter Foster the world would be a far better place ... and he can get you a slice of the action at a damn good price."

"I invite the doomsayers and the Doubting Thomases to read the report in its entirety, not just the sexed up excerpts that are splashed across page three of "The Dirty Digger". In particular I would refer these people to Lord Hutton's recognition of my government's record. Legislation that found a cure for the common cold, eliminated world famine, reversed global warming, banned whales from maliciously beaching themselves and put the taste back into tomatoes."

As a token of the government's appreciation of Lord Hutton's magnificent public service, a celebration is to be held next Tuesday. After the hanging of Robin Cook, Claire Short and a number of former BBC executives at Traitor's Gate, the public is invited to proceed in an orderly fashion to Buckingham Palace where they can join members of the government for strawberries and champagne, tea and scones and the ever popular bread and circuses.

Prime Minister Blair has foreshadowed legislation that will make it mandatory for copies of Gideon's version of the Hutton Report to placed in all British hotel and motel rooms.

On a personal note Mr. Blair added, "Whilst I appreciate and am indeed flattered by his Lord Huttonship's recommendation, I believe His Holiness already has enough on his plate without having to consider this 'umble, ever so 'umble prime minister's elevation to sainthood."

In conclusion the Prime Minister said: "I want to make it absolutely clear I fully respect the independence of the BBC. I have no doubt that the BBC will continue as it should do to probe and question the Government in every proper way. What this does now is allow us to draw a line in the sand on the new level playing field. There will be no more shifting of the goal posts and everyone will be expected to play with a straight bat until we get the chequered flag."


British Prime Minister Tony Blair's former communications director Alastair Campbell has welcomed the impending execution of the Chairman and a number of other BBC executives, "What a pack of arseholes! Gave spin doctoring a bad name, the whole lot of them. Got sprung. Unforgivable! Dickheads!"

Sir Uriah Heep, the new chairman of the BBC has unreservedly apologised to the Government and the family of David Kelly. On his way to work Sir Heep also apologised to all his fellow bus passengers. Alighting from the bus he apologised to a large number of pedestrians, several sets of traffic lights and a flock of pigeons.

"My task now is to restore honesty, accountability and integrity to the BBC. As a first step the entire News and Current Affairs staff will be sent off to "The Alistair Campbell Re-education Holiday Camp" to sharpen up their which side their bread is buttered on skills", said Sir Heep.

Pulling a cat of nine tails from his briefcase and giving himself a damn good thrashing he added, "See! Now look what they've gone and made me do!"


News of the Whitewash Report swiftly spread around the world. The Australian Prime Minister, stepping out of a telephone booth and assuming his role as The Man of Steel, demanded that all naughty children what had called him bad names come up in front of the class and write "Sorry" a hundred times on the blackboard and promise never ever to do it again. "How hard is it to apologise?", he thundered, "I'm going to stay here until everyone understands what they've done wrong and have received their full punishment."

President Bush when asked if the Hutton Report had any consequences for his administration forcefully retaliated, "Errr derrr guys? Reality check! What the goddam hell has a survey about the sexual behaviour of Americans in the 1950s got to do with the price of eggs in Chinastan!"

Cross posted from

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

Hutton dressed up as Spam...

Calls have been made for an inquiry into allegations that the Hutton Report was 'sexed-up' in favour of the British government. Angry protestors, having dismissed the report as a great big 'whitewash', are now demanding a full investigation, claiming that Hutton deliberately ignored testimonials from Robin Cook and Claire Short.
Said a spokesman for the general public, "This report has been deliberately fabricated to mislead parliament in order to save Tony Blair's rubbery neck. Ultimately it has lead to the death of Andrew Gilligan's career."
"The whole thing is a total fabrication of the facts," said Mr Hogwart, owner of the Fisherman's Arms tonight. "We all know that Blair's a bullshitter an' no poncy mate of 'is 'oo claims he's an ex-judge can palm us off with a load of arse-lickin' lies."
After several more pints Hogwart added, "This seriously calls into question the legal system. Some of those stuck-up, wig-covered heads ought to roll."
Bowing to demand for the immediate inquiry into the Hutton affair Tony Blair has appointed Alistair Campbell to spearhead the investigation in order to preserve integrity and approach the subject from an unbiased point of view.

Monday, January 26, 2004

Why go to Mars?

Though I can not reveal my source for this incredible information, I felt compelled to reveal to the millions of visitors to this website the real reason that American President George W. Bush is pushing for manned missions to Mars. According to Professor Gwelix of the University of Boston Albuquerque Campus, NASA is working hand in hand with the Vatican, and by orders of The Pope must begin sending real live people, specifically Catholic Priests, to Mars. Professor Gwelix worked hard to confirm rumors that The Pope believes Jesus now lives on Mars because of a theory that the Red Planet is actually the secret location of Heaven, and if we can find Jesus there, then we can maybe coax him to introduce us to God himself. This rumor proved false, however, with Vatican Spokesmen strictly denying that they ever believed Mars to be the location of Heaven. The Vatican wants to make it very clear that they do not believe Heaven could possibly exist on another planet because they are still pissed at Astronomers like Copernicus and Gallileo for ruining the idea that Earth is the only planet in The Universe.

Upon further investigation, Professor Gwelix is now working to confirm a new theory that the reason Catholic priests want so much to go to Mars is more for vacationing reasons. While vacationing on the Red Planet, priests will be free from all behavioral restrictions they live under on Earth, as Vatican Law does not reach beyond the boundries of Planet Earth. Professor Gwelix has found plans for the construction of a resort on Mars for vacationing Catholic Priests that will be regularly stocked with 14-year-old homosexual boys.

I would like to point out that, at the start of this post, I mentioned that I could not reveal my source for this amazing information, then proceeded to mention a Professor Gwelix of the University of Boston Albuquerque Campus. Please forget that I ever mentioned this man's name.