Saturday, May 17, 2003

"Let it hereby be written into the constitution of Britain that no man shall suffer the indignation of imprisonment without first standing trial and summary judgement."

Or words to that effect...The Magna Carta 1069 or thereabouts.

Take note Tony bin Blair and your nasty little sidekick Jack 'Grimer Wormtongue' Straw. Your 'Anti-Terrorist Bill' -- disallowing so-called suspected terrorists of recourse to the law whilst being held indefinitely and without charge -- is against the constitution of these miserable rainy little islands and therefor cannot be put into effect (as far as I can remember) without a referendum. Even if it can I don't see how one insignificant, transient little prime minister and his nepotistic bum chum can find the moral prerogative to do so. I'm consulting my lawyers (i.e. the Citizen's Advice Bureau) on this matter as I type...because I'm sure it's illegal.
I hope it is 'cos it's time you got your cummupance mate!

Friday, May 16, 2003

Baby Jesus? No, it's boring a little bit.

Here is Jezus Barby. TM.

It's Friday night, Robot Wars is on the telly shortly, I've spent all week editing, designing, illustrating and generally farting around with the soon-to-be-finished first issue of SKUNK Magazine (you people have no idea how lucky you are) and, quite frankly, I can't be arsed writing something to post on this board. Which is why you're getting a...



If you don't like it, go and complain to your local MP. I'm off to crack open a bottle of whisky, put on my slippers, send a threatening letter to my publisher for no other reason than it seems like an entertaining thing to do, and then collapse in my rocking chair with the remote control ergonomically positioned by my elbow so that I can throw it at the telly if Razor doesn't win, along with a cigarette in my mouth and a chip butty at the ready for when I get the munchies during the Phillipa Forester sections. Hey! I suffered at the hands of a surgeon a couple of weeks ago for this! Now I'm going to take advantage of it and put an additional strain on my liver above and beyond the call of Banoch Brae 40 per cent proof!
This is the ROTW editor signing out of reality. See you all on the other side of consciousness.

Thursday, May 15, 2003

Er... oh dear.

Editor's note: This particular shot was obviously the omnipotent Dubya back in his Richie Cunningham days.

Received in an e-mail yesterday:

Dear Hughes,

Oy! It's MR Hughes to you, mate! Or SIR...either will do. I haven't been called by my surname since my junior days at Eton back in the forties!

I am Barrister Johnson Madu Solicitor, I am the
Personal Attorney to Engr.Michael Hughes a national of
Your country, who used to work with shell development,
Company in Nigeria.

Obviously the Barrister Schools in Nigeria don't have very high standards then. Every solicitor I've ever met has always been extremely careful about his/her grammar. Missing indefinite articles, proper nouns sporting lower case initials, spaces missing between punctuation marks, sentence structure completely ignored. God help you if somebody contests one of your wills on a technical point.

On the 21st of April 2000, my client, his wife and
Their three children were involved in a car accident
Along Sagamu/Lagos Express Road.

They probably had difficulty reading one of the road signs I suspect.

Unfortunately they All Lost their lives in the event of the accident, since
Then I have made several enquiries to your Embassy to
Locate any of my clients extended relatives, this
Has also proved unsuccessful. letters where they shouldn't be, sentences that continue far beyond the normal conjunctions, odd, almost poetic, suspicions are aroused...

After these several
Unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace his
Relatives over the Internet, to locate any member of
His family but of no avail, hence I contacted you.

How thoughtful. And how exactly did you find me when my e-mail address is Scrag Ends? It wouldn't be BT flogging their clients names out to illegal spammers again would it?

I contacted you to assist in repatriating the money
In addition, property left behind by my client before they get Confiscated or declared unserviceable by the bank
Where this huge deposits were lodged.

I think I can see a few more huge deposits lodged amongst this lot...

Particularly, the
Bank where the deceased had an account valued at about
US$7million dollars.

That's funny...I thought you said the deceased was a British national. Shouldn't that figure be in Stirling? Oh...wait a said a national from my country didn't you? must have me confused with Gullible Hughes III, my cousin in Florida.

Conseqently, The bank issued me a notice to provide
The next of kin or have the account confiscated within
The next twenty official working days. Since I have been
Unsuccessful in locating the the relatives
For over 2 years now I seek your consent to present
You as the next of kin of the deceased since you are
From the same country and you, share the same surname

Well that's it. I'm convinced. Excellent...what am I going to do with all this money?

So that the proceeds of this account valued at US$7
Million dollars can be paid to you and then you and me
Can share the money. 55% to me and 40% to you, while 5%
Should be for expenses or tax as your government may

Five per cent? Off £3.5 million quid? To 11 Downing Street! Five bloody per cent? You really have got the wrong fucking country mate!

I have all necessary legal documents that can be used to back up Any claim we may make. All I require is
Your honest cooperation to enable us sees this deal
Through. I guarantee that this will be executed under
A legitimate arrangement that will protect you from
Any breach of the law. Please get in touch with me by my email to Enable us discuss further.

Quick as a flash I'm hitting that return e-mail button. This is too good to miss. I'm going to be rich! Forty per cent of three and a half million quid...that's...adds two, minus three and half my little finger...why that's fucking loads!

Best regards,
Barrister Johnson Madu.{esq}

Hah hah! So long suckers! I'm loaded now so I don't need you any more! Sedgwick, Coffee, Morgan, Twisted Sister and Weaver! You're all sacked. Get out into the gutter and freeze you peasants. I don't need your sort hanging around and spoiling my garden parties with the rich and famous. Joe...I'm keeping you on as my personal accountant and translator...but the rest of you losers can pack your cases and leave this instant! HAH! I'm a millionaire and you're all rubbish! See you later fools...if you can ever afford to visit me in Jamaica that is!


Thank you bloke in the pub. At least someone remembered. I know I didn't. Well, as tradition would have on such occasions, today I will be mostly watching scantily clad wombats jumping out of upsidedown cakes ... and reflecting upon the luminaries that share this date with me.

Trini Lopez
Mike Oldfield
James Mason
Joseph Cotten
Brian Eno

... and noting that on this day in 1940 nylon stockings went on sale for the first time in the US
and J Edgar Hoover was first to the counter at "Fredericks of Hollywood".

I am evidently a Taurus. Other famous Taureans:
Candice Bergen
Queen Elizabeth II
Billy Joel
Jay Leno
Willie Nelson
Al Pacino
Dennis Rodman
Jerry Seinfeld

and my personal favorites ...
Pete Townshend and Saddam Hussein.

Editor's note: Contrary to popular opinion amongst bearded wombat molesters, the rest of the RANT OF THE WEEK CREW didn't forget your birthday at all.
We just couldn't be arsed mentioning it.
However, because you've made such a song and dance about it, we'd all like to wish you a happy 75th birthday and once again, as we do every year at this time, beg you to reconsider your 'not retiring' policy.

Dep. Ed says: Young Mr Sedgwick will not be retiring while there's still half a chance of seeing the ROTW's tealady Mrs. Slocombe's pussy.

Wednesday, May 14, 2003

I see Osama bin Bastard's bin at it again! This time he's blown up a load of Westerners in Syria or Minehead or somewhere! Bleedin' bearded wog! They're all the same! They ain't got no respect for 'uman life like what we have. That's why they need fuckin'! With bombs and missiles and somet that'll shut the little fuckers up and knock all this "Praise be to Mohammed Ali" bollocks out o' their sweaty brown heads!
The trouble with these bleedin' sand wogs is they've all got religion when what they really need is some football. If y' want my advice get the shit-coloured bastards out on the terraces with a few cans o' beer and the Arsenal playing! Give 'em some proper fuckin' culture! It'd stop 'em from gettin' all these fanatical notions about Jesus bein' evil and causing chaos everywhere. You don't get none of that down the Bloomfield Road.
Or alternatively put 'em in the army, take 'em round the back of the barracks and kick seven buckets of shit out of 'em. 'Course if y' did that there'd be nowt left but their skins.
There's too much of this political correctness goin' round at the moment. Big fat slags with unmarried babies in papooses, smoking herbal tea and not wearing make-up. The government should stop listenin' to these ignorant feminist cows and stand up for itself! Maggie Thatch wouldn't 'ave 'ad none of this bollocks! Kick the niggers out o' Britain and get rid of these fuckin' refugee scroungers who are causing all the trouble, that's what I reckon!
Any'ow, I've said me piece... now I'm off t' cash me giro and then go for a punch-up down the Nag's Head. Shag y' later, mate!

Having fought my way through the 43 shelves of "Women's Studies" I discovered this modest section called "Men's Studies".

Of course "Being a Man" I bought "Breast". (The pair actually.)

Editor's note: In relation to the 'Womens Sections' Vs 'Mens Sections' theme, it's interesting to note how here in Britain clothes shops and shoe shops both have racks and racks of stuff designed for the fairer sex and virtually sweet bugger all designed for men. Then women complain that their fellas are dowdy dressers. I rest my case, my brow and my sphincter.

I did not search for these items which turned up in the referrer log. You can go and visit those places. Nothing there, nothing at all. Those only deserve to be hit with shoes.

nude pictures of maggie thatcher

what does princess anne have in common with Dr Spock?

"Michael Burke" i'll show you mine

Editor's note: That last one's extremely worrying and might explain the dramatic increase in 999 calls from children aged ten or less.

Tuesday, May 13, 2003

I managed to get hold of the Tenth Anniversary Volume of Calvin and Hobbes from the local charity shop the other day. (Hey...I know I'm cheap, but it's all to do with artistic integrity, all right?) Now, I actually quite like Calvin and Hobbes. Or at least I did. It's Charlie Brown with bigger words. But the bloke who writes it, Bill Watterson or whatever his name is (I can't be arsed climbing up to the top of my wardrobe to get the book down again and check) strikes me as being a total and utter bell end.
"I took on the syndicates and won! 'Cos I'm just great!" "I was the first person ever to use the word 'Booger' in a cartoon strip!" That's probably because it's an American word. When I was a kid comics like the Beano and the Dandy used words such as 'Botty', 'Snot', 'Bogie' etc all the time...and that was years before you were even a twinkle in the milkman's eye, Watterson.
"I've always held onto my artistic integrity and won't compromise it. That way I managed to get into plenty of arguments with the syndicates but never sold out my true vision of the strip."
What a fucking wanker! Talk about thinking the sun shines out of his own arse. It's a rip-off of Charlie Brown, Pal! He even wears a striped sweater for Christ's sake...and plays baseball, and has a huge, hydrocephalic head, and heaps snowballs into mounds and...well...for Calvin write Charlie Brown crossed with Lucy Van Pelt and for Hobbes write Snoopy...and that's it. Fucking integrity of vision my arse. If you want to be truly expressive, mate...if you really want to stick two fingers up at the syndicates and do some good for the American cartoon market...then get one of your characters to say the word 'Fuck!' Go on, you spineless bastard! You keep going on about making Calvin true to the darker side of childhood unlike the other homogenised strips that the newspapers run. So go on...make the little bastard swear and pull the wings off flies and laugh at spastics and piss in the sink.
There's a world of difference between somebody being angry at an unjust, cruel and violent world and somebody just being bitter because, deep down inside, they know their 'artistic integrity' was invalidated the moment they sold their crappy little cartoon strip to the syndicates. Did the government force you at gun point to sell? Or did you just decide to sell out for a fat bank statement and then realise what an arsehole you'd been? If you don't like the syndicates, Watterson, tell the syndicates to get stuffed. Even Leonardo had to organise parties to make a living and you must be loaded by now anyway!
It's interesting to note that at about the time the 'ground breaking' Calvin and Hobbes came into existence, Britain was producing Viz. Viz...the popular comic that featured such characters as 'Buster Gonad and his unfeasibly large testicles' and 'Paul Whicker the Tall Vicar...he's a cunt.'
Calvin and Hobbes, groundbreaking? Hardly! And as for your artistic integrity, Watterson, it's nothing more than self-congratulatory/self-loathing bullshit. I've torn out the middle pages from your book and left them by the side of the toilet in case I run out of loo roll in the near future and feel like adding to your artistic expression with some integrity of my own.
'Nuff said.

Hollywood helps us to see the truth for what it is:

Famous Idiot
Celebrity Liberal Blacklist
Hollywood Idiots
Boycott Hollywood

Monday, May 12, 2003

Some of the Things I have Learned from Hollywood!

Films, as the great movie moguls are always telling us, are reflections of our own lives. They encompass our dreams and show us the truth about humanity. So, here are a few of those reflections that I personally have noticed over the years:
1) Lawyers only ever accept cases that are morally and ethically sound. They are not amoral, greedy selfish bastards who would gladly sell their grandmother's soul to the devil at all.
2) All Jewish mothers speak very fast and complain to their sons a lot.
3) Only slim, surgically enhanced women lead interesting lives. Fat, ordinary looking women are dull, stupid and have loud voices.
4) Men who operate cranes or work in offices still somehow manage to find six or seven hours out of every day to work out in the gym and build up six-packs.
5) Anyone who lives in America and has an English accent is evil.
6) If anyone kills a member of your family hunt them down and kill them. This will instantly dispel any negative emotions you might have had with regard to your relative's death and you will not end up in court on a murder charge. In fact the police won't bother to investigate you at all.
7) People who live in America and have an Australian accent are backward and annoying.
8) America is the only country on Earth that has freedom of speech, gay people, decency, an open mind, an egalitarian attitude, a political system controlled by ordinary people, a sense of humour and a racially integrated structure.
9) Homosexuals are always camp and witty and are incapable of doing anything wrong.
10) The lawyer that sums up the case first always loses.
11) Strong-willed women still need working men in vests to rescue them from real danger.
12) The President is totally genuine in his public beliefs.
13) All men who ride motorbikes have no minds whatsoever and enjoy raping, murdering and stealing just to pass the time of day.
14) Money isn't important. What matters is owning a huge house made of wood surrounded by trees that are permanently in blossom and the love of your family.
15) Teenage girls who go on holiday with their friends to a large house in the woods die horribly at the hands of a serial killer if they have sex.
16) Americans always win and are always right and the rest of the world always ends up humiliated by their own stupidity and evil.
17) People with German accents are total twats.
18) If you own a pet something horrible is bound to happen to it.
19) All nuns are violent bastards.
20) Men in dresses are the most hilarious things in the world and we never tire of laughing at them.

Hollywood! Helping us see the truth for what it is.

Sunday, May 11, 2003

Busy, busy, busy...
working on the contents of this. Incidentally, it'll be folded over in the middle and stapled on the crease.
Soon to be available in the local newsagents...around Fleetwood at least.

Too busy for the likes of you.

I woke up, got my coffee (not a Kevin-like), connected to the net and found a creamlight Sunday morning site: 'Oh my god! There's an axe in my head!'. The Web's #1 Axe In My Head Page.


Mike Carlton: "A few weeks ago I savaged the News Ltd newspapers for their disgustingly cynical appropriation of 12-year-old Ismail Ali Abbas, the Iraqi boy who lost both parents and both arms in a US missile strike.

Now Ismail has been snatched from them. A galaxy of second-rate Hollywood stars has signed up for a campaign to raise money to bring him to America for hospital treatment. Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mariah Carey, Angelina Jolie and Justin Timberlake are on board, according to "promoter" Cheryl Shuman.

"We will bring him here where he can finally feel safe. A lot of these celebrities, including Arnold Schwarzenegger, will hang out with him," Shuman said. George Clooney and Julia Roberts are also expected to sign on any day.

Please pass the bucket. Any one of the above could fix the kid's medical care with a quiet cheque. To see them posturing this way is sickening."

Let's wait for the poor little bugger's story to get the FULL Hollywood treatment. "Three Men and an Amputee", "Forrest Stump", "Limbless in Seattle" and of course remakes of the classics, "A Farewell to Arms" and "To Have and Have Not".

I can hear the compassionate Dubbya (® 2004 Presidential Campaign) at the opening nights. "Step up here you brave little liberated son of a gun, I want to shake your ... errrrr ... HOW THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN?!"