THE GALL, THE BLADDER AND THE UGLY BULLETIN #1

Patient Hughes arrived. Paper work started at 0100 hrs. Major problem establishing identity. Birth certificate found to be forgery. Real identity:- Über Lieutenant Heinrich Gemeinschaftsgefühlishthings, a Nazi spy who parachuted into Lancashire in 1942.



Despite this Dr. Crippin insisted Herr Hughes should be afforded the best medical attention that could be provided by the NHS. "That'll teach the bastard for coming over here and hiding under the aprons of those dodgy Saxe-Coburg-Goths ". Dr Gilbert O'Sullivan admitted the patient, noting "Let the punishment fit the crime".

Confiscated Herr Hughes' reading material.


(Immediate cessation of palpitations noted.)
Emergency precautionary measures undertaken:- both hands strapped to side of bed.
Patient resting peacefully.
(Minor heavy breathing noted.)

Tomorrow we go in. It's going to be bloody and some of us may not return but as Matron Grenfell said after we'd signed up ... "I think what we are doing in here is such an amazing duty. We are giving freedom to organs that have been so oppressed for to long. Unfortunately, some people are not only ignorant but do not want to share the freedom our organs always had. One day the world will look back at this mission and be proud you were apart of a team who liberated these body parts and gave them a new reason to live."

Patient report #1536b/044. Signed: Nurse Jaques.

The Last Will and Testicle of the Rant of the Week Editor!

I, Brian Hughes, being of sound mind (well, sounder mind than Tony Blair, George Bush, John Howard and Huan Carlos Benito Muscle Organ, Prime Minister of Spain, aka Buttman...which isn't saying much I know but ought to stand up in a French court) hereby bequeath the underwritten (for illegal insurance purposes) to the persons and/or institutions herein named.

1) My collection of Scrag End cartoons will be left to Mrs Oaktree from Fleetwood pet shop who, judging by the smell from that mangy old collection of feathers and scaly bald skin she calls her parrot, could seriously do with some new cage liners.
2) The Greyminster Chronicles I leave to posterity...or more precisely anybody's posterior that happens to visit my bathroom when we're out of loo roll.
3) Terry Sedgwick's heart and lungs will go to medical science...preferably in three days time whether he's dead or not.
4) The collection of bestial porno mags hidden in the airing cupboard will be delivered to fat bastard and know it all Mr Houghton at the grocers on Lancaster Grove, Fleetwood. They must be concealed in a plain brown envelope and left under the lid of his coalbunker whereupon, shortly afterwards, the police will be informed of their whereabouts.
5) My Nintendo 64 will be returned to Curries, complete with receipt, and asked to be exchanged for its original price at a very loud volume.
6) My computer will be buried along with my remains, three pairs of socks, half a pound of mushrooms and a stamped, self addressed envelope in case of emergency, in the middle of Lord Street, Fleetwood, during market day...just to annoy the fuck out of the local residents who have annoyed me with their stumbling about and standing pointlessly in front of me when I wanted to get past them every day of my miserable life.

I hereby agree to all of the above and now I'm off to hospital to give birth to a bouncing baby gallbladder. Should the operation take a turn for the worst I shall be back in charge of this board as soon as possible. In the event of my death at the hands of Dr Raj Patel, however, I shall be contacting both my solicitors and the new acting editor through Doris Stokes' grand daughter, Emily, and her amazing ectoplasmic gerbil.
Signed...Brian Hughes.

And now a final word from our sponsor:

Editor's note: We are the knights who say 'knitting'.

---

IS THIS A FAIRY TALE ENDING?

"I'm broken. or rather, my hosts have broken me by transferring me to a new server which has fecked up my Movable Type installation and therefore I am unable to post and none of the comments are working. I also cannot access my webspace to put up a temporary page to tell people this. I am very cross." ... Green Fairy

So are we, Aunty Jack.

---

I have finally heard back from the good people at the Daily Mail who were running the Not the Turner Prize Competition. What must have been several years ago now I entered a figure illustration for their consideration (top prize £20,000). Here's what they had to say:

Dear Mr Hughes,
The response to the Not the Turner Prize Contest has been overwhelming and we have been surprised at exceptionally high standard of the majority of the work. Unfortunately your entry did not make it into the top twenty but we hope you will continue to follow the competition in the Daily Mail.
Yours etc,
Somebody or other whose name I can't recall.

I don't get it! Me? One of the top figure illustrators in Britain! Not even making it into the top twenty? Are these people insane?
To prove the point, here's the entry that I sent them. I'll let the Rant of the Week readers decide for themselves!

Iraq lies in tatters, homes, shops, hospitals, banks and schools...all looted, smashed, burned and vandalised by the liberated citizens. Donald Rumsfeld's master plan of only sending in twenty-three troops (twenty-four if you count the officially embedded journalist) has worked wonderfully. "This new method of warfare is fantastic," Rumsfeld commented today as he watched the Iraqi currency plummet through the stock market floorboards. "We've created a completely feral society. People are shooting each other in the streets. Homes are getting wrecked. Children and injured civilians are dying due to medicines and hospital equipment being stolen. The whole thing's a complete fuck up. However, we have stationed guards around the oil wells...so who gives a shit?"

So...in response to all those delightful right-wing pro-war Americans who so proudly called the rest of us a bunch of ignorant fuckers who ought to be ashamed of ourselves yesterday...it's wake up time! Saddam's despotic regime has now been replaced by total anarchy. The innocent are still getting killed...only this time by their fellow citizens. And, with the sort of horrible irony that only the American diplomats could possibly muster, Ba'athist police men are being released (the ones that are still alive anyway) in a desperate attempt to restore some form of law and order across Iraq.

How many dead, maimed and dying? And was it all worth it? Well...go on you obnoxious, arrogant pro-war toss pots who were gloating so much yesterday...was it really the best way to bring freedom and stability to Iraq?

Who cares...I'm off to hospital the day after tomorrow so I've got more important matters to see to.

Deputy Editor posts warning for Editor. If your "more important matters" involve, as I suspect, wholesale looting and gutting of the NHS ... don't bother, it was done some time ago. What's left aint worth nicking.

---

"Free people are free to make mistakes and commit crimes and do bad things," he told reporters.

"I don't think there is anyone in those pictures or any human being who does not prefer to be free and recognise that you have passed through a transition period like this and accept it as part of the price of getting from a repressed regime to freedom." Donald Rumsfeld being particularly sanguine about this ...

Medical equipment such as heart monitors and incubators have been stolen and even the laboratories ransacked - centrifuges and microscopes smashed.

"I am desperately looking for someone to co-ordinate the situation with the hospital directors in various parts of the country, but I haven't found anyone, " said Mr Bonamy.

And he stressed that responsibility rested squarely with the Americans.

"You entered a city. Civil society broke down. "It is your responsibility to guarantee at least minimal operation of infrastructure - hospitals, police forces, firefighters, water, electricity," he said.

Spotted at and brazenly lifted from The Eejit's Blog.

Sorry, but I don't detach from this 'size' topic...

Editor's note: All secret Masonic hand codes for 'Sedgwick's in town' I believe.

The Deputy Editor begs to differ. Sworn photo opportunity testimonial below.

Editor's note: I've asked Paul Morgan George Michael and he says that's just how far you stuffed your arm up his bottom.

News from guest reporter Senator Joe McCarthy aged 132¾.

"Baseball's Hall of Fame has cancelled its tribute for the 15th anniversary of the film "Bull Durham" because of the anti-war stance of the movie's stars, Tim Robbins and his longtime partner, Susan Sarandon."

"One of America's leading bands, the Dixie Chicks, saw their latest single fall from its number one spot after many DJs refused to play it because one of the band's singers made anti-Bush remarks at a London concert. In the latest sign of a growing intolerance to dissent against the war, imagined or real, protesters in Louisiana used a tractor to crush compact discs and other items from the band as the boycott on the airwaves intensified."

"Looks like it’s more than just the Dixie Chicks coming under fire for speaking out against the war. Bay Area Hip Hop artist Michael Franti and his group Spearhead, while enjoying tremendous fan support, are under surveillance by the FBI. Recently, members of Michael Franti’s band got some late night visits from FBI agents who were concerned about his anti-war songs and activities."

I smells me some good old fashioned book burning a comin' on.

There is nothing more endearing than a politician pitching himself to the *younger generation*. Tom Watson take a bow. This hepcat daddyio ROCKS!



"We know that you're too busy fighting off your biological urges and being l33t hax0rs to Get Involved, but politics is cool, m'kay?

Nobody ever seems to do anything for The Kids! All the decisions are made by suits, man. That's so lame!!! We know you think of yourselves as responsible citizens, but what you wanna do is turn that thought into an action, dudes.

(Hey, chill with the anti-Europe vibes already! You totally won't be able to wear the word 'fcuk' on your shirt anymore if we break our connection with France, y'dig? ROFFLE!)

So, cut it with the bling bling and do something for the community, man. Join in and take action with any of the groovy sites we've listed, or just drop Tom a line for a quiet rap by the electronic e-mail. Tom's well-up on the Interwebnet, and he won't harsh your buzz or dis you down the line.

WARNING: Getting involved in politics may cause premature ageing and a sudden loss of friends."

Hey man, I think this cool cat might be speaking from personal experience. Dig me?

Editor's note: As a one time anti-war protester...now converted to a jubilant, pro-Bush Iraqi liberator...I am deeply ashamed of my previous stance. I realise that I was wrong ...

Deputy Editor's note: I second the Editor's motion. Mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. (Punches himself in the head with a "Russell Crowe Special".) Winners are grinners and losers can go get nicked. I have now chosen to sport a smile from cauliflower ear to cauliflower ear. Run the Stars and Stripes up the pole and let's see who salutes. ("Names and addresses of those who don't, please Private Pike")

Gone are the days of my reading rubbish like THIS! From now on I shall be embedded in this site which points out the awfulness of the Anti War protests ...

"Hold your protests if you will, but keep in mind the frightened young Marine, who holds your rights in his hands, and undauntingly faces his task. He is the true hero of democracy. In all your coming days, as you see our Nation's flag raised in honor wherever you may be (Let's hold that thought one more time) , remember that young Marine, and the hundreds of thousands like him who put their life on the line for you. Remember them, and may your conscience never let you live down the shame you have earned by betraying them today."

"We had a great day," Sergeant Schrumpf said. "We killed a lot of people."

"I wanna get in there and get my nose dirty," Private AJ said. "I wanna take revenge for 9/11."

N.B. I make this statement of my own free will in the sure and certain knowledge that the Editor's threat of withdrawal of my staple gun privileges, summary execution of my family and being locked up in a cell full of rats bore no influence on my seeing of the light.

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the liberators;

They are trampling out the vintage where the weapons of mass destruction probably are'nt ... might be ... anyway we don't have time to look for them 'cos we're too busy liberating, raising flags and giving away cigarettes, gum, Coke, nylon stockings and photo opportunities are stored;

They hath loosed the fateful lightning of their benevolent swift sword;

Their truth is marching on. Catch it on "Fox News" at 6.30.

We, the underphotoed members of the ROTW staff stand four square behind the Editor.


"The Editor is a faithful Shepherd.
He has led us to green pastures and still waters.
He has led us in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
We have seen goodness of the Editor in the land of the living.
Let us thank the Editor with our offerings."
(Cooper, I think you still owe him a pair of khaki Y fronts from the last game of strip cribbage.)

That's that lot over with and we didn't 'alf give those Iraqi cunts a good stuffing, eh? Now perhaps those fuckin' gay anti-war protesters 'ull shut their gobs and fuck off back to Never Never Land! I reckon we ought to do Syria next. Not sure what they've done but they're Islamic wankers so we don't need an excuse.
North Korea needs a fucking good kicking and all. They're building nuclear weapons to hold the world hostage. Fucking tapped the lot of 'em! Stuff 'em where it hurts before they get too big for their friggin' boots, that's what I reckon! Fuckin' "Dear Bleeding Leader" my arse! "Dead fuckin' Leader with his head jammed up the Ayatollah's ringpiece" soon, hopefully!
My mate, Andy, he went out with a Korean bird. Right old dog she was. Had a face on her like a Cockatoo's arsehole. Didn't look nowt like she had done in the catalogue. A week after they was married she fucked off with some wog from Brighton. Dirty old slapper! Now Andy's married to some Taiwanese bint with AIDs. He doesn't 'alf pick 'em! She's as rough as a pensioner's shitter, but I'd still give her one. I'd spread her fat, sweaty fanny across that smoked glass coffee table of his and whack me dick up her arse. It'd be an improvement on stickin' it in her mouth!
Anyhow, I say good on y' Blair! Y' stuck by your guns, mate, and taught those stinking Arabs a lesson in manners. They won't answer back again. And perhaps next time they'll consider bringing their oil prices down, the thieving brown bastards!
Right...I'm off to balance Bertie over the bowl. Me fucking ringpiece has been stingin' since I ate that fucking vindaloo at the Balti last night. Bleeding Pakis! They need a good fucking for producing watered down shite like that! Get 'em down on the list, Blair me old mucker. I'll volunteer my services to stove in their testicles with the end of me boot!

Kurdish soldiers have captured Kirkuk in the north of Iraq several days before American forces originally planned. This has raised fears that the Kurds are attempting to establish an independent state. The Turkish government has threatened preventative action if the Kurds don't bugger off again. The White House has said that US troops will arrive just as soon as they've finished posing for photographs. Three cheers for them!
Meanwhile in Baghdad the main hospital, currently filled to bursting point with Iraqi casualties, has been looted by jubilant pillocks. Frightened staff are staying at home and vital equipment has been smashed, robbed and shat on. The countless victims of the coalition's mishaps already trying to survive without water are now without medicines and/or care as well. So well done you!
Tony Blair and George Dubya are to become Iraqi celebrities. BBC Iraqi License Fee TV will soon start transmitting images of the two 'Great Leaders' accompanied by Spice Girls songs. "This is not propaganda," explained Jack Straw, recently appointed Head of Iraqi Light Entertainment. "It'll be an informative compilation of Interior Decorating, Cookery and Antiques programmes designed to help the down-trodden population recover."
On a similar note, here in Britain Audi have released their latest one-minute information film about how to buy a car that cruises through unspoilt Scottish mountains to U2 music for under £13,999. It will appear on the ITV channel about 60 times a night.
Discussion is already under way as to what will happen to the Iraqi oil wells. The Washington Administration has stated previously that they will belong to the Iraqi people, although which people exactly they refuse to say. In a perfect world the wells would become a nationalised resource. However, America is not known for its socialist principles. In fact the USA's alliance with Saddam all those years ago was due to their fear of communism being stronger than the 'evil' dictator himself. So this should be a good one to watch.
Finally, US troops are advancing on Tikrit, birthplace of Saddam Hussein. Tikrit is believed to be the hiding place of Saddam's last doppelganger which, in effect, means that Saddam is now standing with his back to the wall. Weapons of mass destruction? Well, if he has them now's the time he's most likely to use them. Expect either severe casualties in the next few days...or, as is more likely, the distant fizzle of an anti-climax to what, under such circumstances, will have been an unjustified and highly illegal war.
Keep those stage-managed images of looting Iraqis and dancing Arabs in your minds, folks, and keep telling yourselves it's all been worth it as Bush's diplomatic skills go into overdrive. Since the original September 11th incident, at which time the entire world came out in sympathy, George Bush and his cohorts have effectively destroyed Nato, Dismantled the UN, turned the entire Middle East against them and transformed Britain and the rest of Europe into rabid Americaphobes. Bush's attempts to rebuild Middle Eastern relations, spearheaded by his now legendary if not elusive 'Road Map', should no doubt be enough to keep this board overflowing for the next three decades.

They just can't help themselves can they?
There is going to be a lot of this sort of crap floating up out of the right wing sewers in the days ahead.

"I just want to say, if you're reading this and you supported the anti-war movement, then all of the joy, the freedom, the liberation of political prisoners and torture victims, none of this is in your name. Don't forget in a few years, and start talking about how "we" liberated Iraq. It had nothing to do with you, it was done in spite of you and everything that you said."

And this.

"I think what we are doing in Iraqi is such an amazing duty. We are giving freedom to people who have been so oppressed for to long. Unfortunately, some people of the United States are not only ignorant but do not want to share the freedom we have always had. One day the world will look back at this mission and be proud you were apart of a country who liberated these people and gave them a new reason to live."

And more.

"I SHOULDN'T be so happy. After all, I'm a right-wing deathbeast, and the end (or near end) of a war should upset me, because we conservatives lust for war all the time. Except when we have to fight it ourselves, of course. Being chickenhawks and all.

And the toppling of a fascist dictator should have me all weepy and nostalgic for Hitler. Because I'm a fascist, according to much of the mail I receive.

Those Iraqis dancing in the streets? That should really piss me off, because I want to oppress them and steal their oil. Why are they even able to dance? I was promised 500,000 murders, yet thus far only 1,000 or so innocents have died.

So why am I so damn happy? I really can't explain.

I'd go and ask some oppression-hating anti-fascist peace activists about it, but for some reason they're all incredibly depressed." TIM BLAIR.

"Only 1,000 or so innocents have died" ... no doubt as counted by the good old Florida Electoral Commission that served up GWB to a grateful world. Let's wait for an accurate body count before we join Mr. Blair (Blairs of a feather stick together) in celebrating the *insignificant* number of innocent lives lost. In the unlikely event that it is only "1000 or so", those grieving for those 1000 lost might view Mr. Blair's equanimity as a smidge tasteless. "Ends justify the means" is certainly having its 20 minutes of fame.

I'm sure there is jubilation at the toppling of Saddam ... from the deep recesses of the Pentagon to the shell shocked streets of Baghdad. Some of it genuine and heartfelt. Some of it pragmatic. Some of it self serving ... self preserving.

If members of my family had been tortured and murdered I would dance on Saddam's political grave. If I was being watched by liberators in tanks and armed to the gunwhales (much like my former oppressors were) I might be moved to give them what they expected. If I were a Saddam fan bent on survival I would want to be one of the first captured on news footage banging a shoe into a fallen bust.

If I was against this war ... I would have no need to apologise ... I would have no reason feel shame ... I would have no need to feel chastened ... I would have no need to feel defeated ... I do feel that there are still many tears to be had before bedtime.

Editor's note: As a one time anti-war protester...now converted to a jubilant, pro-Bush Iraqi liberator...I am deeply ashamed of my previous stance. I realise that I was wrong...that the few thousand people celebrating on the streets of Baghdad yesterday (a city with a population of five million...most of whom were too scared to step outside) more than made up for the thousands killed (and still to be killed) in the conflict. Fuck 'em. They're dead. The smile on a looter's face as he pillages the local hospital or the Baghdad University more than makes up for the stupid limb-losing children or the devastated families or the fracturing of the Middle East. I was a fool and shall now leave quietly to live a life as a right-wing, Coke drinking extremist. Amen.

An Hungarian news site said that the CIA is very happy, because Saddam went into an house and didn't come out.
Poor buggers. When I was student, I often went into an building and came out from an another. The secret is the passage.

The Rant of the Week Small Ads

For Sale: One solid gold bidet (price tag still attached), three computers (as used by the Ministry of Defence) and one large copper bust (slightly damaged). Tel: Abdulah Callid Mohammed, Baghdad 051 555 45
Wanted: Large numbers of Iraqi women to appear as extras in CNN jubilation street scene. All applicants must apply to 'History in the Remaking Productions', Spielburg Street, Manhatten.
Position Vacant: Minister for Information. Prospects for promotion somewhat limited. Applicants must be willing to travel. Write to: Number four, La Rue de Clandestine, Paris.
Lost: Two arms belonging to young boy. Last seen in the Basra area.
Missing: Weapons of Mass Destruction. If found please contact Donald Rumsfeld at the White House, Washington immediately.
Bargain: Stannah Chair Lift free to anyone with a pickup truck. One previous owner. Also available, one walk-in bath tub and one adjustable bed. Tel: Morecombe 8958787.

War statistics 101.

WMD found: 0

WMD fired in anger: 0

Chemical/biological weapons found and verified: 0

Chemical/biological weapons fired in anger: 0

Chemical/biological weapons reported under "The Cry Wolf Act": 8

Saddams captured or killed: 0

Saddam doubles captured or killed: 0

Saddam double's doubles captured or killed: 0

Bin Ladens captured or killed: 0

Verified Al Qaeda operatives based in Iraq captured or killed: 0

Journalists killed: 11

Friendly fired and killed: Lots.

Iraqi civilians killed: Who knows? One site reports a maximum estimate of 1049 and a minimum of 876.

World leaders with incurable priapism: A minimum of three.

Geneva Conventions flouted by both sides: "Geneva whats?"

US corporations who are lined up to turn the reconstruction of Iraq into a nice little earner: "You can't prove we made any donations to George's campaign fund!"

One young, undoubtedly grateful Iraqi civilian who won't be attending the "Liberation" party:

PENTAGON BREAKS THE GOLDEN RULE OF PR
... or Shooting the messenger.

VIA CRIKEY.COM.AU

The number one rule of PR is 'don't piss off the journalists' but it seems the US military has done just that and are now being accused of deliberately targeting the news media in Baghdad after seven journalists were killed or wounded by US fire yesterday. Eleven journalists have now died in this war.

Simon Joel, acting director of the Committee to Protect Journalists has sent a letter to Donald Rumsfeld, calling for an investigation into the deaths. He quotes Article 79 of the Additional Protocol to the Geneva Conventions, which notes that 'journalists engaged in dangerous professional missions in areas of armed conflict shall be considered civilians & without prejudice to the right of war correspondents [embedded reporters] accredited to the armed forces.'

Dear Officer Koruptke Secretary Rumsfeld:

The Committee to Protect Journalists (CPJ) is gravely concerned by a series of U.S. military strikes against known media locations in Baghdad today that have left three journalists dead and several wounded. We believe these attacks violate the Geneva Conventions. FULL LETTER.

Deputy Editor can't top that one. Never stopped him trying but ...

Happy Easter - War Is Over

So this is Easter
And what have you done
Another war over
And a new one just begun

And so this is Easter
I hope you had fun
The dear and the dead ones
The maimed and the young

A very Happy Easter
And a nice New Regime
Hope it's what you paid for
And not just a dream

And so this is Easter
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong

And so happy Easter
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let's stop all the fight

A very Happy Easter
And let's doff our hat
Let's break out a Big Mac
And have fries with that.

Like I said, can't top that ...

Baghdad has fallen to US troops...more or less. Scenes of jubilation and shoe waving (deliberately staged in some instances for tomorrow's papers) amongst ordinary people have filled our screens all afternoon. Well...when I say people, I actually mean men. Just men. There's not a single woman amongst them proving that American style democracy has indeed reached Iraq. Also missing, of course, is Saddam and his barmy army, along with the loveable Information Minister, the chemical weapons, the biological weapons, the images of the thousands of casualties created by coalition bombing raids and all the furniture from the Presidential Palaces.
As always the same five minutes of footage have been repeated throughout the day. One particular image consisted of an old man whacking a painting of Saddam with his shoe. A fat gent, who had just finished nicking a pot plant from somebody's living room, ran up to the painting, lifted his robes and attempted to shag its mouth. Carried away by their own stiffies British news producers have failed to spot that this somewhat surprising image. It has been shown at least eighteen times during Children's Hour to date. Excellent...now perhaps Nicolas Owen will be arrested along with his other colleagues for paedophile offences.
In Washington George Dubya's bellend has reportedly exploded showering Condolisa Ricin with toxic spunk, whilst in Downing Street an overjoyed Tony Blair said simply, "Let the pictures speak for themselves..."
Fair enough:

Multiply the image above by at least 10,000, throw in plenty of exploded head shots, limbless children, destroyed families, ruined buildings and soiled human remains and the pictures start to tell their own more truthful story.

The Liberation of Baguette!

And how the United States managed to achieve it! (Copyright Steven Spielburg Productions 2003)

"It was a battle for hearts and minds...as well as several thousand limbs!" said General Tommy Gun at a hastily arranged press briefing this morning. "The US Marines, God bless 'em, first barnstormed several angry sheep on the outskirts of the town (1), meeting with little resistance but a great deal of secretly stashed mint sauce. Establishing base at Abdulah Hussein Hussein Abdul's Novelty Rock Emporium on the promenade, the Marines then made several incursions towards Patel's Bric-a-Brac Store ("Round Tuits...fun for all the family...now only 75 pence each") last known headquarters of the evil Snail Party (2). Troops stationed near the River Wyre Tigris, however, hit resistance as they approached the gastropod stronghold in the hedges near the lighthouse (3). Using superior American intelligence and strategy they borrowed some cardboard boxes and disguised themselves as hermit crabs before dropping several thousand cluster bombs on their heads."
"The next stop was the market," General Gun continued wiping away a tear of pride from his Jap's eye with a bloodstained hankie. "We believed that Saddam Slug was nibbling some broccoli on George Houghton's Grocery Stall. (4) Following several air strikes and numerous casualties we realised that it hadn't been Saddam at all but Mr Abu Dabu Hussein Saddam Dullah Mohammed Hussein Abubu, the local fishmonger. It was an easy mistake to make as both were brown, slimy and made your skin crawl. Undeterred the Marines struck out again...this time for the Presidential Cottage on Jones Grove (5) where massive looting of the cutlery drawer was already well underway and several feral children had been raped by ITN Light Entertainment reporters."
At this point the General broke down into laughter as he removed the remains of an Iraqi grandmother from his boots onto the hubcap of his tank. "Having taken out the stumps from the cricket ground, and creased the entire Baguette Cricketting Eleven with several mortars in the process, (6) our brave boys in khaki then established a circuitous route down Caldwell Lane, through the post office on Lancaster Grove, (7) down the ginnel round the back of Mrs Turnbull's, across the tramlines and into the Queen's Head. They were greeted by several hundred Republican Darts Players wielding soggy beer mats. (8) A quick round of machine gun fire soon put a stop to that."
The press briefing now adjourned, a round-nosed man with not so round spectacles and antenna, known only to journalists as Dr X, taking over the story as we headed back to the taxi rank.
"In the north of the city," Heir Not-the-Snailraqi-Information-Minister-in-disguise told us. "The soldiers were enjoying a quick paddle in the sea. Some had built sandcastles and others were flying kites. (9) Then the Special Forces surrounded the last of the snails at Jones Grove (10) and using overwhelming and unnecessary force reduced them all to small patches of snot and broken shell. Since that time the people of Baguette have been enjoying their first taste of anarchy."
Following the conference George Dubya Shrub stepped triumphantly into the room with a barely noticeable throbbing hard on.
"See...I told y'all!" he smugly explained whilst fondling his dick as though not wanting to pee his pants in all the excitement. "Two wrongs can make a right! Just so long as you ignore the thousands of injured, maimed, killed, buggered and fucked civillians that we accidentally took out in the process."
President Shrub is currently having sex with a cushion.

Oh buggery bloody hell! Just as the current nasty little one is coming to its inconclusive conclusion ...

UN to discuss Korean crisis

"The UN Security Council is set to discuss the North Korean nuclear crisis, amid belligerent messages from Pyongyang and divisions among its own members on how to move forward.

The United States has been pressing the UN to take up North Korea since October, when North Korea expelled nuclear inspectors and restarted a nuclear reactor.

China and Russia are against the very idea of the Security Council meeting, arguing that it will only serve to inflame an already volatile and dangerous situation."

Stand by everybody, don't pack up the khaki just yet.

STOP THE WHIRL, I WANT TO GET OFF!

---

JUST IN
"Coalition bomb kills 11 Afghan civilians"

The US military says 11 Afghan civilians, seven of them women, have been killed in bombing by US-led coalition forces in eastern Afghanistan.

"I think it was a mistake," said provincial governor Mohammad Ali Jalali.

Spot on Mr. Ali. The incompetent fools were supposed to be bombing civilians in Baghdad.

I was going to post some really obscene stuff about "The Lost Tribe of Joseph Goebbels", complete with disturbing images but I thought better of it because ...

DAMMIT, WHAT THE HELL ... I'M GOING TO DO IT ANY WAY ...

VICTORIA CLARKE
... Apparatchick

         

Could this be Baroness Thatcher's long lost love hate child?

ARI FLEISCHER
... Apparatchuck

             

"Ari Fleischer's ability to repeat a lie even after it's been shown, repeatedly, to be false is what separates him from the amateurs."

Pre-operative Health Check List for Laparoscopic Cholecystectomy Surgey...
otherwise known as 'Hunt the Gallbladder.'

Patient's name... Brian Hughes.
Age...Thirty-nine and three quarters.
Sex... That depends on how drunk I am.
Occupation...Full time hospital patient.
Have you ever suffered from any of the following?
Haemophilia.... No! I'm a normal, hetrosexual male!
Brain Damage.... They're still searching.
False Teeth.... I have some plastic Dracula fangs but I only wear them on Halloween or when I want to frighten the local sheep.
False Legs.... The end of my bed is propped up on books.
Bypass.... No...but I used the ringroad once.
Haemorrhoids.... Not unless you include the Rant of the Week Deputy Editor.
Jaundice... Mostly my view on the world.
Asthma.... After thirty roll ups a day it's difficult to tell.
Rigormortis.... Usually by the third bottle.
Autism.... I prefer to use the tram.
Spastic Colon.... I have no connections with the Bush administration whatsoever.

I hereby agree that to the best of my knowledge the above information is correct. I also understand that there's a very good chance my surgeon will be performing twenty-five operations on the same day as mine and I might end up dying on the operating table due to his greed........... Brian Hughes The Duke of Edinburgh...go on...let's see you do a botch up job on me gallbladder now!

US says 'may never know' if Iraqi leaders hit

The US military said on Tuesday that it destroyed a building where President Saddam Hussein might have been meeting in Baghdad but that it could be impossible to find out who had been inside.

"We believe the attack was effective in causing destruction of the facility," Brigadier General Vincent Brooks told a news conference at war headquarters in Qatar.

"As to who was inside and what their conditions are, it will take time to determine," he said. "We may never be able to determine who was present."

Brigadier General Mel Washington Jefferson Brooks (same colour but no relation and who is lumbered with a far less comedic script than Big Brig. Gen. Vinnie) went on to expand, "we have become late converts to the Geneva Convention which, in part, prohibits discrimination. A new spirit of equality has been factored into the prosecution of this war. We have now extended our "Decapitation Strike" policy to include, without fear or favour, the entire Iraqi population. From a strictly military point of view it is a very efficient pro active, outcomes positive, goal oriented strategy. I believe that if we head count reduce the entire Iraqi population it follows, as sure as night follows the bright bit when the sun is out, that the main objective of removing Saddam Hussain will be achieved.

Upon the declaration of peace in our lifetime ... and here I extend our apologies our friends in the soon to be former Iraqi population, but you can't make Delia Smith's Bread and Butter Pudding without breaking eggs, even though she would contend that violence and disarray in the kitchen makes Jack the dull boy who tried to grow beanstalks in the Three Bears bed of vinegar and brown paper sauteed over a medium heat ... now where was I? ... ah yes ... the United Nations will be invited to administer the counting and identifying the contents of the body bags. Upon the bringing of the head of Saddam the Butcher to King George the W a permanent occupation an interim administration selected by the Florida Electoral Commission will be put in place. You all can't say fairer than that.

Thank you linesmen, thank you ballboys, thank you to my parents, thank you Halle Berry for the loan of this tokenism, thank you to the director and producer and thanks most of all to my beautiful agent. If it wasn't for my darling George Tenet and his lovely professional operatives I wouldn't be standing here tonight. Goodnight nurse, and God bless Ameraqi! Whoooa!!!"

Editor's note: Noticed the speech given by the American pilot who conducted the above mentioned bombing raid earlier tonight. Said with smugness usually only exhibited by Bush Jr: "It's no big deal. Any of our fighter pilots could have done it." Hmmm...nine innocent people killed outright. He's probably got that right then.

I have a sticky-out belly button. I always have had. It's one of those things. Nothing serious...just slightly raised instead of slightly sunken inwards. It's got something to do with the fact that old-fashioned pennies (the preferred currency when I was a nipper) didn't fit into belly buttons terribly well.
Doctors are always fascinated with my navel. Every time they see it they have an urge to give it a prod as though I'm some sort of fucking lift. Then, when I'm doubled up in agony, they ask me, "Does that hurt?" and try to do it again...presumably because they're all sadistic, evil bastards.
Apparently it's a hernia of some sort. I never knew that before Friday's prod. It doesn't usually bother me...except when some ignorant fucking g.p. insists on sticking his bloody finger in it. Anyhow...when I go for my operation on Sunday it's going to be sorted. I explained to the surgeon that it had suited me fine for all these years and I'd rather he left it alone. But he then explained back that one of the millions of tubes and pipes and cameras and dripfeeds and stethoscopes they're going to stick in me would be entering right through my bloody belly button.
That's made me feel so much better.
I have a sense of impending doom...especially for my navel, which is flinching at the thought.
I'm in the process of writing a letter to Amnesty International. Unfortunately I'm not holding much luck out. In the meantime...I've got to arrive at the clinic on Sunday morning at seven o'clock for my operation. Seven o'clock? What sort of unholy, blasphemous hour of the day is that? I thought such times were just urban myths amongst the old folk!

Here is a very compact summary of the top internet topics:

Oz Media Round Up

Al Jazeera says Baghdad office hit

"Al Jazeera television says a US missile has hit its Baghdad offices, wounding a cameraman and leaving a correspondent missing.

Al Jazeera, which is one of the most widely watched in the Arab world, has come under intense criticism by US and British officials for showing images of slain Western soldiers and US prisoners of war."

At last the real enemy cops a shellacking from the Amerkins. "Huntin' 'em down, smokin' 'em out."

And in other news.

From 'Media Watch'. ABC Australia.

Stories of collateral damage and civilian casualties were effectively pushed into the background by the daring rescue of 19 year old POW Private Lynch. As we were told more than once, this was the stuff of the movies.

Presenter: "For more we’re joined by Mitch Catlin in our US Bureau and Mitch the coalition also celebrating the rescue of an American POW. How’s she doing.
Mitch Catlin: Yes Natalie. Private Ryan will be treated in Germany after being in the hands of the Iraqi regime for 10 days."
- Channel 7 Sunrise, 2 April 2003

No Mitch, Private Ryan is a movie. You’re doing the news.

From Oz TV News police report.

"Police are looking for an Asian man with black straight hair" Well that refines the search significantly.

More from Media Watch.


Sunday Mail Date: 26 January 2003

"The Sunday Mail should have thought this through.
The words express the PM's opinion but
shouldn't they go over a photo of Saddam?"

Sorry to disagree with Media Watch but picture and caption are spot on as is.

From http://www.crikey.com.au

"Yesterday’s Daily Tele provided graphic illustration of Murdoch’s pro-war bias which could be described as propaganda.

The front page blared ‘KILLING ROOM’ with the sub-headline ‘Coalition forces reveal Saddam’s torture terror’. A two-page spread (‘Inside the dictator’s chamber of torture’) on pages 4/5 continued the thrust. Another sub-header read ‘The rows of coffins that expose the awful truth’.

All of this was the ‘news’ of a chilling factory find near Basra.

However today’s SMH has published an article (from the US) that confirms the factory was not for torture but rather contained the remains of soldiers in the Iraq-Iran war. The Iraqis had actually been planning to return the remains to Iran.

It took the on-site investigator just a few hours to establish the ‘awful truth’."

Russell Crowe Marries ... Police search for survivors

Nana Glen, Australia - Russell Crowe, drawing a line under his womanising days, has married long-time girlfriend and challenger to his lightweight WBC title, Danielle Spencer.

Crowe, who turned 39 on his wedding day, exchanged traditional marriage vows and pre fight insults with Spencer, a 32-year-old singer also dressed by Giorgio Armani, (Ms. Spencer however was able to tie her own shoelaces) inside a specially built domed stadium on his farm on Australia's mid-east coast.

An official wedding video released to the media showed Crowe, with a wedding ring on his finger and slight bruising above his left eye, and Spencer being showered with confetti, right hooks and short left jabs as they left the chapel arm-in-arm, toe to toe. They continuously ignored the referee's orders for them to break.

After the ceremony a steady stream of ambulances conveyed the injured to a nearby hospital. 2 bridesmaids have been ferried by air ambulance to Sydney General Hospital with serious head injuries, however 13 of the catering staff have been taken off the critical list, whilst the 24 waiters have been described as "serious but stable" Crowe remains "seriously unstable".

The officiating minister, speaking from his hospital bed, said, "I had just begun asking him 'do you take this woman ...?' and he said 'No fucking questions! No fucking interviews, this is a fucking private ceremony'. I ducked the first punch, but that left hook just came out of nowhere."

The organiser of the event, the legendary promoter Don King said, "I don't think anyone will be leaving here unmaimed disappointed. I think we gave the crowd just what it wanted ... blood, sweat and beers."

"Sunday School is over and we are going home ..."

In the wake of the downfall of Saddam what awaits ravaged Iraq and its traumatised population?

A Pentagon controlled civilian administration, headed up by retired General Jay Garner, is getting ready to take over from Saddam Hussein.

Jay Garner turns out to be a controversial character, in a number of respects. First is his status as an arms trader, and one whose firm supplied the military technology responsible for demolishing the country he is to set about rebuilding. An investigation by the San Francisco Chronicle two months ago revealed that the former three-star general – and a friend of Donald Rumsfeld, the contentious US Defence Secretary – was, until he took up his new post, president of the defence contractor SY Coleman, which specialises in missile systems. These include the Patriots so heavily used in Iraq and the Arrow defence system, which has been deployed in Israel.

It is not the only problem. In 2000 General Garner went on what seems to have been a routine 10-day freebie to Israel, organised by the Jewish Institute for National Security Affairs, an organisation striving "to inform the American defence and foreign affairs community about the important role Israel can and does play in bolstering democratic interests in the the Middle East".

To make matters worse, Garner then backed a statement by the group praising the Israeli Army for showing what it called "remarkable restraint" when dealing with the Palestinian uprising. "A strong Israel is an asset that American military planners and political leaders can rely on," it said.

"We are in the job of saving lives and we're going to save lives and do a good job of it" – Jay Garner on protecting Kurdish refugees after the 1991 Gulf War.

Jay, tell it to the marines ... the ones that left the Kurds at the mercy of a very vengeful Saddam.


Then when Jay figures it's safe there will be the installation of Ghengis Wolfowitz's "Government of the Iraqis, by the Iraqis for the Iraqis", AKA Ahmed Chalabi who is as Iraqi as apple pie, having left Iraq when he was 11, returning once for a fleeting moment to organise a ballsed up Kurdish revolution. But give the Chalabi kiddy his due, he knows what pockets in which to piss. What the World needs now is another dodgy wheeler and dealer in charge of a large American corporation. Good luck "Iraq® Pty. Ltd."

Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld and his civilian aides, along with officials in Vice President Dick Cheney's office, wanted to appoint an expatriate Iraqi businessman, Ahmed Chalabi, as the leader of a post-Saddam government. Rumsfeld denied on Monday that he had spoken in Chalabi's behalf, but others familiar with the discussions here said it is clear that Rumsfeld favors a major role for Chalabi.

Chalabi, a Shiite Muslim born in 1945 to a wealthy banking family, is the leader of the Iraqi National Congress (INC), umbrella opposition movement. He left Iraq in 1956 and has lived in the United States and London ever since, except for a period in the mid-1990s when he tried to organize an ill-fated uprising in Kurdish-controlled northern Iraq.

A gifted lobbyist, he has been dogged by financial scandal, however. In 1992, he was sentenced in absentia by a Jordanian court to 22 years in prison for bank fraud after the 1990 collapse of a bank he founded more than a decade earlier. Chalabi maintained the case was a plot by Saddam to frame him. Internal inquiries at the State Department and the CIA have since raised questions about the Iraqi National Congress's accounting practices.

But Chalabi "says all the right things," a U.S. official here said: The INC would be willing to recognize Israel and be sympathetic to American business interests.

Welcome home Uncle Tom Chalabi.

Oh what a tangled web we weave when we practice to change regimes.

Nearly forgot. For his undying support of the Coalition of the Wheeling and Dealing, Australian Prime Minister John 'My Middle Name is Winston, so There' Howard has been given a time share at one of Saddam's 3419 former holiday palaces. "See, Australia's involvement was worth it after all and I look forward to seeing all those pinko vegetarian long haired protesters eating crow", the triumphant pint sized peace maker proclaimed.

(Synthesised from various sources, Only the little italic sniper shots are mine.)

Showbiz News!

Major Charles Inbred, his transsexual wife, Diana, and their old school bumchum Teflon Dickhead, have all been found guilty of attempting to defraud ex "Tis Was" presenter, Chris Tarrant, out of one million quid.
The Major and Titwad Wickdick perpetrated the scam on ITV's "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" programme. The scheme involved pathetically coughing at appropriate moments. Major Ingrate managed to reach the full one million before the word "NO!" disguised as a feeble grunt became too obvious even for the dull witted producers.
"I'd never have believed it," said Tarrant after the trial. "You just don't expect people of such high social status to behave with such criminal decorum."
Obviously Tarrant has never studied the histories of Charles and Diana's namesakes.

Suspected WMD site in Iraq turns out not to be chemical weapons
... "well not the ones we wanted to find"

"A facility near Baghdad that a US officer had said might finally be "smoking gun" evidence of Iraqi chemical weapons production turned out to contain a secret blend of 11 herbs and spices, not sarin gas as feared.

A military intelligence officer for the US 101st Airborne Division's aviation brigade, Captain Adam Mastrianni (no relation but still a bit of an Italian stallion) , told AFP news agency that comprehensive tests determined the presence of a compound known as 'KFC11'.

Initial tests had reportedly detected traces of sarin - a powerful toxin that quickly affects the nervous system - after US soldiers guarding the facility near Hindiyah, 100 kilometres south of Baghdad, fell ill.

Captain Mastrianni (no relation but still better than being French) said a "theatre-level chemical testing team" made up of Stanislavsky trained biologists and chemists had finally disproved the preliminary field tests results and established that 'KFC11' was the substance involved.

He said that sick soldiers, who had become nauseous, dizzy and developed skin blotches, had all recovered. Head of the chemical testing team Colonel Harland Kevorkian said "it was an easy enough mistake to make as the symptoms of sarin exposure are almost identical to those experienced by people who have ingested KFC Honey BBQ Boneless Wings or KFC® Popcorn Chicken."

The turnaround was an embarrassment for the US forces in the region, which had been quick to say that they thought they had finally found the proof they have been actively looking for that Iraq was hiding weapons of mass destruction.

A spokesman for the US army's 3rd Infantry Division, Major Ross Coffman, had told journalists at Baghdad's airport that the site "could be a smoking gun, could be a Mattel water pistol or could be a big hole in the ground where Saddam's poodles buried their bones ... could be we haven't got a fucking clue. We just know that this city is freakin' ours. So piss off, we've got some Stars and Stripes to hoist."

The fact that the coalition forces have come up with no clear evidence of WMD after capturing much of Iraq in 19 days of fighting has raised questions over the war's justification.

General Tommy Franks was quick to respond to this criticism and told the 3 surviving embedded reporters that, "even if we don't physically turn up the WMDs we have a paper trail which we can follow. Already we have turned up hundreds of boxes of invoices from USA companies.

Make no mistake the Saddam double we are currently huntin' down and smokin' out is an evil bastard. The real Saddam what we sold all those Acme Junior Chemistry Sets to back in the 80s was a really cool guy. Wouldn't have hurt a fly, unless of course you were an Iranian fly.

Now you can all go and get fucked, I don't give a flying conjugation about what you report. Have a nice day and you be careful out there."

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The ROTW list of sites that provide hotlinking.

Day Seventeen of de Cousin of all Barnies: Received food parcel from Auntie Edna. Hobnobs all crushed. Damn dis war!
Morale amongst Republican Guard low after one thousand killed in incident over missing toilet rolls. Sent Dopple-Saddam onto streets to raise spirits and shoot some civilians. Dopple-Saddam proved very popular. Too popular in fact. Had him shot.
Power to Presidential Bunker lost earlier. Used wax from Minister for Disinformation's ears as makeshift candles.
Allah remind us where we buried the chemical weapons!

Day Eighteen of de Grandfather of all Wet Willies: Sneaky little Yankee rascals stuck their heads into Baghdad den disappeared again. Not sure where they've gone. Possibly hiding behind de novelty souvenir shop on General de Gaul Street.
Minister for Disinformation looking worried. Apparently we only have fifteen television masts left and our supply of pilchards is running out.
Favourite cousin, Chemical Ali, killed in mortar attack. Mum always said he'd come unstuck after he killed 100,000 Kurds. Serves him right. The bastard still owes me a fiver.
Allah taunt our enemies by flicking 'V's.

Day Nineteen of de Mother-in-law of all Pile Ons: Presidential Palace stormed by US troops! Cheeky foreign reporters kept going on about gold-plated toilets and mercury bidets. Claimed they were signs of brutal dictator. Apparently I live in luxury whilst people around me live in poverty. Hey! I got de idea from Queen of England for Allah's big bell end's sake! And Donald Rumpfeeler when he took me on tour of American trailer parks.
Some Yankee devil troops reprimanded for hoisting Star Spangled Banner in Baghdad and upsetting de locals. Cheeky buggers! Should be hoisting de white flag. Preferably covered with blood!
De war effort isn't looking promising. Basra fallen to British troops. Noticed on de telly their tanks were flying de Welsh flag. That didn't upset anybody. Nobody knew what it was.
Am thinking of shaving off tash and putting on burkha. Toiletries running low. Might pop down shops...in Marseilles. Presidential dunnies starting to backlog.
Allah be buggered. I'm out of here!

As the demise of Baghdad continues, President George Wanker Bush is flying into Northern Ireland to meet with Tony Blair. (Who said pigs would never fly?) The spineless little shit. Why won't the stuck-up arrogant little chimp actually come to Britain?
Oh yeah...sure...he's guaranteed an uproarious welcome in Ireland...especially seeing as they've well and truly cordoned off the anti-war protesters. After all, Clinton received one so why shouldn't he? But us Brits...well, we're not so keen on the stuff-shirted little turd despite our hallowed leader Uncle Tony's besotted demeanour.
There is, of course, an irony in this, Dubya and Blair now having created their own Northern Ireland guerilla war in the Middle East, just as the real Northern Ireland is starting to sort itself out.
However, possibly, for once, Bush is making the right decision...at least as far as the Brits disassociation from this war mongering twat is concerned.
According to a survey I read somewhere, the good people of Texas are also trying to distance themselves from the manic midget. Despite being born in Texas, Dubya's parents came from elsewhere...on which basis he isn't truly a Texan.
Sorry chaps...it won't wash with us any more than the fact that John Prescott came from his mother's sphincter (according to the midwife, his mother's front bottom rejected him outright). Loathe as I am to admit it Prescott's a Brit and Bush is a cunt.

Iraq's Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf (pictured below ... very below.) denied that the US troops had captured palaces belonging to President Saddam Hussein.

US forces are "commiting suicide" by attacking Baghdad, according to Iraq's information minister.



As news came in of increased Coalition attacks on the capital, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf said: "They are begining to commit suicide at the walls of Baghdad.

"We would encourage them to increase their rate of commiting suicide."

'We go to liberate, not to conquer'

U.S. Seizes Key Buildings in Baghdad

"I do believe this city is freakin' ours," boasted Capt. Chris Carter of Watkinsville Ga.

'nuff said.

Saddam Hussein is Alive and Well and Living in Kalgoorlie!

Iraq's Number One Celebrity made a brief reappearance on television tonight in a desperate attempt to quell rising fears amongst Iraqi troops that he had been killed. Pentagon officials have declared the footage as 'Blatently bullshit.' Seen here canoodling with long time lover Terence bin Sedgwick, Saddam is clearly an awful lot younger. Sedgwick himself is nowhere near as grey and one of the wombats in the background has been named as 'Little Joe'. Little Joe's mangled body was discovered on a disused gravel heap in New South Wales fourteen years ago with Chemical Sedgwick's tongue prints around it's arse.

More 'friendly fire' in the North of Iraq claimed eight innocent lives, including the brother of some Kurdish leader or other and a BBC translator, today. British legend and national treasure, John Simpson, was also wounded by low flying shrapnel. The attack was, as always, undertaken by an American fighter pilot. "We were only obeying orders," the pilot said through his buckled yellow teeth. "We can't help it if our commander in chief is a smug-faced, cross-eyed chimpanzee."
Meanwhile American legend and international treasure...er...whatever his name is...the bloke from CNN who was embedded with the troops...is now embedded in a coffin. Apparently he died from some sort of thrombosis. Obviously in all the excitement he forgot to wear his anti-blood-clot stockings when climbing into his tank. It was an easy mistake to make...especially seeing as the commander in chief of the US troops is a smug-faced, cross-eyed chimpanzee.
American troops have left Baghdad again after a brief incursion yesterday. When asked why Sergeant Major Kowolski replied, "We took the wrong turning. It's an easy mistake to make when your commander in chief is a smug-faced, cross-eyed chimpanzee."
Yesterday British troops uncovered a warehouse full of Iraqi bodies. Some were in makeshift coffins. Others were in plastic bags. The White House immediately declared this as absolute proof that Saddam Hussein was a war criminal. On further examination, however, it became clear that most of the bodies were at least twelve years old. Most likely the warehouse was some sort of 'sorting office' for Iraqi corpses courtesy of the last Gulf War, so that the remains could be identified and returned to relatives. "It's an easy mistake to make," admitted Colon Powell later. "Especially when your commander in chief is a smug-faced, cross-eyed chimpanzee."
At the UN normal arguments have once more resumed, this time over proposals for a post-war Iraq. America has decided that it wants the UN to play no part in rebuilding the political structure of the country. Foreign powers, including the French, the Russians and the Krauts, have called Bush's decision a big mistake. "Well..." commented Kevin Koffi Anan. "What can you expect when the commander in chief is a smug-faced, cross-eyed chimpanzee?"
And finally, a man was captured on video camera this morning climbing into a cage and saluting a gorilla at Chester zoo. The man turned out to be an American tourist. (Fifty Iraqi Dollars for the first person who can find a suitable punchline.)

NO! NO! NO!

We, "Les Chimpanzees Sans Frontières Mais Avec les Grandes Derrières Rose" demand that the Rant of the Week withdraw all statements inferring that the current clear and presently dangerous Commander in Chief is in any way related to our members. Such specie-ist and specious comments are demeaning, insulting and visit no credit upon your publication.

Twisted'll be back soon. That's if I ever finish the newlsetter I'm working on. A lot of stuff has been written via clairvoyance!!!

The Rant of the Week Presents:

Your very own Classic 'Deputy Editor Sedgwick' Paper Doll War souvenir:

As recently rediscovered on my hard drive for use in an emergency posting when I'm recovering from a hangover. Don't ask what the numbered items are...I'm buggered if I can remember.

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When you've finished paper toling my barely visible dangly bits you Amerkins out there might like to take this quiz.

Fess up and post your score in the message box when you've finished.