Saturday, May 31, 2003

According to recently released statistics 10 Downing Street spends more than seventeen million pounds per annum on tasty titbits, finger buffets and drinks. Seventeen million fucking quid!? That's more than they spend on Education! No wonder John Prescott looks like he's swallowed a baby planet the fat, sweaty bastard! My suggestion to Uncle Tony is quite straight forward. Next time he has one of his 'Celebrity PR Bashes' he shouldn't include Anne Diamond on the guest list.
All this plus Jack Straw and Colon Powell's secret love tryst after the break.

June Catch of the Month

Ruben Stokholm

Religion: buddhist

Marital Status: devorst

Kids: 3 . 1 at 6 - 1 at 11 - 1 at 14 on living white me

Languages spoken: english and dansk

My favorite cuisine: all kinds of fode from othet cultures

More about me: I have workt white Teater for 15 years - and 10 years as psykoterapist have livet a very good life ,6 years ago I go a stoke i my brine and I ít tund my life aronde so I now paint - do not have eny fysiks men after the stroke.

More details about Mr. Stokholm.

So Ruben appeals? But there's more, many more ... ladies please form an orderly queue.
Francisco from Norway  George from Munich   Alf from Sweden

Great Grandma Hughes' note: I'll 'ave 'em all. Wait a minute...I already 'ave 'ad 'em all!

Bleugghh, speaking in the Royal Castle in Warsaw, hit out at his critics on the EU, saying "anti-Europeanism is not British patriotism, it is an out-of-date delusion".
So says Tony Bleugghh.

Well let me tell you something Tone. As far as I'm concerned staying out of Europe has fuck all to do with patriotism and more to do with the survival of freedom of choice. The reason most British people do not want to irrevocably mire themselves deeper into Europe is because we value economic survival over your prevaricating, one-sided, I-need-a-job-when-I'm-pensioned-off "opinion". We also value having a say in how our own country is run and having the opportunity to vote incompetent MPs and governments out of office if they can't do the job right. We have already seen what the Maastricht Treaty did for our fishing industry and what the Common Agricultural Policy (CAP) is still doing to our farmers and food production industry. And how could any of us fail to notice the long knives going in over the second UN resolution. Are all these mere tasters of what we can expect once we give up our rule to a remote centralised government?

FACT: German unemployment and failing economy are not helped, and were mostly caused, by signing up to the Euro and Social Charter.

FACT: If it wasn't in France's political and economic interests there wouldn't be an EU. CAP, which regulates the production of food and livestock, keeps prices artifically high and is riddled with corruption, is the most obscene scam ever played on British farmers. If British farmers do not toe the European line they are heavily penalised. Not so French farmers who seem to do as they please with the benign consent of their government.

FACT: Although Spain was our ally in Tone's War on Terror it didn't stop their legal plundering of our fish stocks and subsequent destruction of our fishing industry when the EU declared increasingly smaller fishing quotas that deprived thousands of families of their livelihood.

FACT: Despite Gordon Brown's best efforts, Britain still has one of the lowest taxation rates in the Eurozone. If Tone has his way be prepared for a nasty shock.

Call me cynical but with our failing schools, health service, infrastructure, the asylum crisis, the pensions scandal and the internecine strife of Judiciary versus Government that has left our society paralysed with despair and disbelief, I can't help thinking these disasters are Tone's subtle way of softening us up for what is to come. By comparison perhaps he expects us to find being fully integrated with Europe a doddle.

Now he's saying that he's winning the argument on Europe which negates a referendum on the future of this country. Since the constituency of Cloud Cuckooland doesn't inhabit this dimension I can only assume that Tone is once again speaking out of his lying (or at least seriously deluded) arse. Didn't he insist that Iraq was a dire threat to the civilised world and that we had to attack as soon as possible to relieve a pariah state of weapons of mass destruction? And are we at all surprised at the lies and half-truths that have since been revealed? Would you place your future into the hands of a man who so blatantly misleads those he purports to represent and who dodges or twists unpalatable (to him) truths to his own political ends and who has an arguably loose grip on veritas?

Me neither.

Editor's note: Now come just don't want to be forced by EU legislation into eating that watered-down crappy frog chocolate do you?

Friday, May 30, 2003


Curry king Mendonca served with $40,000 fine


Curry king Larry Mendonca's crusty chutneys and mouldy chillies yesterday cost the connoisseur and his company almost $40,000 in fines.

Mendonca's celebrated restaurant, the Rajah Sahib Tavern and Tandoori Grill, had earned a reputation as a favourite for touring cricket teams (It would be exceptionally cheap to make any comment about cricket teams and "runs". I am turning over a new leaf and shall cease and desist ... God, it hurts!) and showbiz stars.
But the Melbourne Magistrates' Court heard that business had plunged since publicity about the discovery of mouldy chicken and rotting tomatoes at the eatery.

Sharon Cure, for Mendonca, told the court that the once celebrated Indian restaurant now had virtually no income.

She said her client had been stressed by the whole case.

Earlier, the court heard that council health officials had shut down the restaurant after they had found mouldy food during an inspection in March last year.

When it re-opened a month later another inspection uncovered a bowl of chopped chillies topped with mould.

The restaurant has been closed since December when Melbourne City Council refused to renew the Queen St restaurant's registration.

Magistrate Julian Fitz-Gerald found Mendonca guilty on eight charges including handling food in a way to render it unsuitable and failing to keep premises clean and free from pests.

But Mr Fitz-Gerald dismissed charges relating to food said to be up to eight years past its expiry date. He also said it was not claimed that Mendonca ever planned to serve the dodgy food.

Yesterday Mr Fitz-Gerald said he had a feeling of sadness about the case.

"If it is true that this was at one stage a highly recognised and profitable restaurant and in the course of that Mr Mendonca gained some celebrity . . . then it is a sad day," he said.

Mr Fitz-Gerald said Mendonca may need to face that he was no longer capable of running the business.

"The reality may be that he's just not capable of running it properly as food legislation requires him to," he said.

Mr Fitz-Gerald said there was no bad intent in what Mendonca did, but said it smacked of carelessness.

I'm always sceptical of survey results without being privilege to the survey from which the 'results' were lifted in the first instance. (Fucking Hell...that was a mouthful. However, I'm the editor round here so it stays!)
A recent poll (...who pays for these things and why? And how come these arseholes have money to waste like this when there are people starving in the world? Choose from the options below...) suggested that one of the most annoying things ever for gardeners were domesticated cats. This prompted a supposedly 'serious' discussion on one of the national news programmes. (Also begging the question, what's happened to real news these days?)
"It doesn't surprise me. I've hated the ignorant bastards for years ever since one of them sat on my grandmother's face and almost suffocated her. Cats kill wildlife," reeled off some anti-feline witness for the prosecution. "There ought to be a curfew set on the bastards."
I'm not exactly sure how this would help seeing as birds tend to nest at night, with the exception of owls which could probably batter cats to within inches of their lives anyway, but, of course, I'm not the self-proclaimed expert on these matters.
"As the natural areas of Britain decrease more and more wildlife is being forced into urban areas where evil, thoughtless cats pick them off one by one," the spokesman for the Campaign For Shooting Cats With Air Rifles Without Getting Fined continued.
No mention was made during the course of this fascinating conversation regarding humans being responsible for the wholesale destruction of the wild habitats of the birds and the shrews in the first place. Cats have been cats for thousands of years and, curfew or not, will continue to hunt mice, crap in flower beds and show you their arseholes once they get bored. But the continued building of roads and housing estates for the mindless and grim is the new element here which needs to be added fundamentally to the equation to make it work. (Mental note: Social's been a long time since I did any of that. Hopefully it'll be even longer next time.)
The trouble with polls is this:
List the following people in order from 'Favourite' to 'Least Favourite'.

The Queen Mum.
Angus Deayton
Adolf Hitler
Ghengis Khan
Davros out of Dr Who

Tomorrow's attention grabbing headline on the BBC News:

Adolf Hitler voted as one of Britain's favourite Heroes.
In a recent survey Hitler came in at number five in a poll to find the nation's favourite historical character, only just being beaten by the Queen Mum! Full discussion and distortion of the facts by Hugh Edwards and the audience-desperate wankers who run the BBC at ten o'clock.

Governors General past and past ... compare and contrast.

Former Governor-General Sir William Deane has launched a scathing attack on the Federal Government in a speech at the University of Queensland.

Sir William was speaking after receiving an honorary doctorate at UQ's Faculty of Business, Economics and Law.

He criticised the Government over the "children overboard" affair and the holding of minors at the Woomera detention centre. He said future leaders should avoid seeking advantage by "inflaming ugly prejudice and intolerance".

Sir William also criticised the Government for its approach towards the two Australian men being held in Guantanamo Bay in Cuba.

"The fundamental responsibility of a democratic government to seek to safeguard the human rights of all its citizens, including the unpopular and the alleged wrongdoer, in the case of two Australians indefinitely caged without legal charge or process," he said.

Sir William, who was Australia’s 22nd Governor-General from 1996 to 2001, was presented with a Doctor of Laws honoris causa in recognition of his distinguished career and his outstanding contribution to Australia in his role as Governor-General.

Saddam bunker never existed

Washington - An underground bunker in Baghdad which the United States said it targeted on the first night of the Iraq* (SIC!) to eradicate Saddam Hussein never existed, a US television network reported.

US planes hit the Dora Farms complex in southern Baghdad with bombs and cruise missiles on March 20 but US teams who have searched the site since the fall of Saddam's regime on April 9 have found no trace of the bunker or any bodies, CBS news reported late Wednesday.

"When we came out here the primary thing they were looking for was an underground facility, or bodies, forensics," CBS quoted Colonel Tim Madere, the head of the search operation as saying.

"And basically what they saw was giant holes created. No underground facilities, no bodies."


*Pointed out by Beatniksalad... see in comments.

Let us hear no more of *smart* bombs. It might be heresy to suggest it, but did Saddam ever exist?

"One Night, upon a Stair,
I saw a man who wasn’t there.
He wasn’t there again today,
I do so wish he’d go away."

Thursday, May 29, 2003

Well I'm standin' by that nice Tony Thatcher no matter what anybody else says. If Tony reckons that Madam Insane's still got weapons of mass disruption, regardless o' the fact that everyone else in the world thinks different, then I reckon 'ee's right. 'Ee should know! 'Ee's the King of Britain and 'ee knows everything. Just 'cos Donald Duck in America claims that Madam Insane must 'ave destroyed 'er weapons after all, it don't mean it's true. I reckon that Bumfeeler bloke's one of Madam Insane's cronies. 'Ee's looks the sort. All nig-nog lovin' and towel-on-the-'ead wearin' and queer. Bloody Yanks ('scuse my Smegma)!
"Yankie wankers," My 'Enry used to call 'em (God rest his underpants)!
Any'ow...t' change the subject, I can't make 'ead nor tail of what's gone wrong with me television lately. It must 'ave got its wires crossed with somebody's video camera or somethin' 'cos every time I turn it on alls I can see is the inside of somebody's 'ouse. An 'ouse full o' young flappers with their bosoms out and foul mouthed pimps in their trunks flashin' their willies and balls and everything ('scuse my Antediluvian) just wanderin' round feedin' chickens an' taking a shit ('scuse my Skidmarks) an' talkin' an' stuff.
The darkie in the bikini looks like 'er from the paper shop. Then again that sort all look the same. All teeth an' eyes and noses what look like somebody's hit 'em with a frying pan.
"Stupid wogs," My 'Enry used t' call 'em. "Comin' over 'ere and stealin' our jobs what we need t' survive. We bloomin' well go to their countries and 'elp 'em out when they're all starvin' and oppressed, an' we build 'em hospitals and educate 'em! And what d' they do as a thank you? They come over 'ere and claim the dole and nick our jobs an' shit in our gutters 'cos they aren't civilised like what we are!"
'Enry was right and all! I'm eighty-six years and three months old, y' know...and my bunions fuckin' knacker.

Attendants recover after in-flight attack

Two flight attendants who foiled an alleged attempted hijacking of a Qantas flight from Melbourne to Launceston today are recovering from their ordeal.

A 40-year-old man is still being questioned by Federal Police over the incident.

Twenty minutes into the flight from Melbourne to Launceston, a man armed with two wooden objects allegedly attempted to gain access to the cockpit.

Board softly but carry a big stick ... or two. Tasmania ... ever the rogue stake state.

Given that the Coalition of the Willing have not found the weapons of mass destruction quite as much as they would like (YES, I believe those elusive 100 metric tons of WOMD were the reason for lighting the blue touch paper!) perhaps Littlejohn might offer these up as a viable substitute. (Yes, I am being quite silly, but not as silly as some others and I don't seem to have quite as much egg on my face as some I could name. Military Intelligence seems to be living up to its oxymoron ... well above and beyond the call of duty.)

Govt defeats Ruddock censure motion

The Federal Opposition has lost a censure motion against the Immigration Minister, accusing him of failing to adequately explain why he granted permanent residency to a man who had been rejected four times before.

Labor asked Philip Ruddock whether the visa was granted after the applicant donated $3,000 at a Liberal Party fundraiser which the Minister attended.

Mr Ruddock says his decisions have never been influenced by political donations, and his Cabinet colleague Tony Abbott agrees.

"I can guarantee that didn't happen," he said. "Nothing like that ever happens at Liberal party fundraisers."

The Libs never leave a paper trail. Certainly not a brown paper bag trail. Circumstantial evidence is always problematic and on this occasion I am willing to give my usually generous benefit of the doubt stance a big swerve. Anything is possible when it involves this cadaverous Minister.

Australia doesn't need the ABC: Govt MP

A Federal Liberal MP says there is a minority view in the Government that Australia does not really need a national broadcaster.

The comments follow allegations by Communications Minister Richard Alston that the ABC's coverage of the war in Iraq showed an anti-American bias.

The Howard Government has asked the ABC to investigate the AM program's coverage of the Iraq war.

Communications Minister Richard Alston says he has written to the managing director of the ABC, Russell Balding, seeking an urgent investigation into the reporting of the recent Iraq conflict.

In his letter, Senator Alston has referred to more than 60 examples where he says it appears that appropriate journalistic standards may not have been upheld.

AKA fawning uncritical support. To be entirely even handed ... when am I ever not? ... F**K THE TORIES! HOWARD TURD! SCREW ALSTON BUM TIT FART! OWN FRIGGING GOAL! (Sorry, that was the Tourette's talking. Red card? ... fair cop ump guv.) the Labour Party when in power likewise subscribes to the view that the ABC's role is to be the cipher of the Government of the day.

Senator Alston says the Government will be considering the implications of this matter, including what further action should be taken.

The journalists' union, the Media Entertainment and Arts Alliance, argues the Minister's allegations are an attempt to intimidate the broadcaster and its staff.

The Member for the western Sydney seat of Parramatta, Ross Cameron, says it is unfair that such a significant amount of taxpayer funding goes to a broadcaster with such a small audience.

Now let's run the microscope over the telecasting of Parliament that the pollies so zealously support? Now there's an audience you could count on the knuckles that the Member for Parramatta drags through the primordial corridors of Parliament House.

Queen accepts Hollingworth's resignation

The Queen has accepted Dr Peter Hollingworth's resignation and his commission as Governor-General will end tomorrow.

The proudly independent, autonomous nation of Australia is eternally grateful to the head of a foreign nation for sparing time from her busy flower show opening schedule to drag out the quill, don the black cloth and despatch this troublesome priest to the obscurity for which he has shown himself to be eminently qualified.

Bows, scrapes, retires walking out backwards, averting eyes ... 'umble, 'umble ever so 'umble.

Henceforth the "Peter Principle" when applied to such foolish and poorly qualified clerics aspiring to such high office will be referred to as the "St. Peter Principle".

PM defends $11,000 a night hotel bill

The Prime Minister has defended a hotel bill of more than $40,000 he ran up during a visit to Rome last year.

John Howard spent four nights in the royal suite of the city's top hotel at an estimated cost of about $11,000 a night.

Mr Howard says the standard of accommodation was no different to that chosen for previous prime ministers.

So that makes it right? Littlejohn has always identified himself with the "Aussie battler", all those working class heroes who book hotel rooms at $11,000 a night, who are loaned television packages by Telstra worth up to $20,000 to have a quality digital TV experience and who barely get light-headed on their $25,000-a-year wine bill.

Jesus was gay - $51,000 says so

Jesus was gay – the University of Queensland gave $51,000 of public money to a PhD student to reach that conclusion.

Melbourne-based Rollan McCleary, who will today be awarded his doctorate, earned $17,000 a year to work on his three-year thesis on homosexual spirituality.
As well as his revelation about Christ, Dr McCleary has also reached the conclusion that three – or possibly four – of Jesus's chosen disciples were also gay. A former Paris radio broadcaster, Hong Kong teacher and graduate of London University, Dr McCleary lived in Brisbane while completing his thesis.

He said Jesus's astrological chart, clues in the scriptures to which the churches had been blind and accurate biblical translations had all played a part in his conclusions. "The starting point is the matter of John, who always referred to himself as Jesus's beloved disciple," Dr McCleary said.

30 pieces of silvers says Buddha was a pre-op transexual. There's funny stuff in the water round Brisbane way ... but he's got the 51 grand so who am I too bitch? Who? Someone who hasn't got 51 grand for stating the bleedingly irrelevant.

The day shouldn't pass without mention of Bob Hope's 100th birthday. An impressive age, however his jokes are much older.

Wednesday, May 28, 2003





I have a few questions.

Why is it that an ordinary person (who may previously have held a British passport but who is now renewing/applying for one), born of British parents, who's lived most of his/her life in Britain, was educated in this country, who holds down a job and pays taxes and who has never had a brush with the law, gets 28 days notice to quit said country because s/he was born abroad but the birth was not registered here?

Why is it that it takes sometime never to deport bogus asylum seekers even if they commit serious criminal acts such as hijacking?

Why is it going to take an estimated ten years and millions of pounds to expel hate-mongers, who encourage terrorism and who would like to see us dead, from our shores?

Answers in joined up writing to: Anthony Blair PM, 10 Downing Street, London WC1 (or whatever)

Christopher Biggins rounds up his favourite websites of the Week!

A great site for the connoisseur of large, porcelain, blue-veined vessels bulging with creamy goodness. The neatly laid out pages display a variety of photographs, ranging from pert, fifteenth century earthenware receptacles to huge, misshapen Toby jugs. There's enough here to make any anorak produce cream. Highly recommended for lovers of extreme close ups, old cracks and curvy handles.

Scrumptious cooking hints for those steamy after-dinner delights with the busty neighbour. Big sweaty pastries mixed with hot, slippery yellow custard, all oozing with sensual delight. The photographs are exquisite and you can almost feel those sticky juices dribbling down your chin. A must for people who love something hot and moist between their lips to round off the evening.

A big, fat collection of photographs detailing large, upright buildings around the World. The site's author, Quentin R. Stabber, obviously has a passion for thickly walled, firm and manly skyscrapers with their throbbing lift shafts and their proud, heaving balustrades. There's even a subsection for huge, domed structures and another where you can send in your own humorous captions about the Tower of Pisa. Definitely a site for men who like their erections big, hard and earthquake proof.

A site for lovers of brave little birds. Thrill to exotic videos of bluetits lost at sea, battling against the swell of the ocean, splashed and deluged by the heaving waves and the rhythmic swell of the night. Shudder with excitement as greenfinches fight off the overwhelming advances of a muscular hawk, its masculine beak pounding at the tiny birds' quivering tails.

Several hundred photographs of two wizened old men slapping each other in the face with their balls.

Tuesday, May 27, 2003

A bull in Lancashire...I'm not exactly sure where in might even have been Fleetwood, but this was an item on BBC2's Newsnight and, as far as the BBC are concerned Lancashire is far too remote a country to warrant having names for its towns and villages...where was I? Oh yeah...a bull in Lancashire broke into an antique china shop (no, sadly, I'm not making this up) causing thousands of pounds worth of damage before being shot.
I honestly don't know how to top that so I'll just depart again quietly.

Six useful tips for the producers of this year's British Big Brother on how to improve the 'interest quotient' of your programme for an increasingly unsupportive audience.

1) Turn off all the cameras for five minutes and replace the House Mates with cardboard manikins. Alternatively just turn off all the cameras and don't bother turning them back on again.
2) Kill Davina McCall and hire a large, brown slug feasting on a small piece of cheese to present the programme instead. In order to gain a few additional viewers, attach Davina's lifeless corpse to a riding stang and parade her through the streets of Coventry whilst a mob wielding pitchforks shouts, "Irritating, talentless bitch! Hang her by the nipples and puncture her spleen!"
3) Starve the House Mates for four days and then hand the big fat bastard whose name I can't be arsed researching a knife and fork. With a bit of luck he'll devour the other annoying little tits and then spontaneously combust.
4) Replace the current collection of characterless twenty-year old tossers with people older than thirty who have actually lived a little and who have more interests in life than just drinking and talking shit. This will encourage proper conversations instead of the mindless shouting and whooping that's all we can hear at the moment.
5) Whilst the House Mates are asleep steal all the women's clothes. After all, you chose these bimbos deliberately because of their looks. They haven't got an ounce of intelligence or amusement value from a personality point of view between them, so at least get them running round the house in the nuddy all the time. Better still, forcibly evict all the men. After six weeks of going without there should soon be some hot lesbo rumpy pumpy action on top of the chicken hutch.
6) Ensure that the doors are locked and then throw cyanide capsules down the chimney. Cook House Mates for three-quarters of an hour at Gas Mark 7. Remove from the embers of the house and leave to set into a solidified lump.

Uncle Brian: Finding that, against everything his better judgement tells him, he'd rather have Jade Goody back on his screen!

Howard defends G-G's perks

Prime Minister John Howard says Peter Hollingworth is entitled to a lifetime pension of more than $180,000 a year, despite resigning from the position of governor-general.

Dr Hollingworth is expected to receive a yearly pension plus benefits worth thousands of dollars.

At the Prime Minister's discretion, Dr Hollingworth will have access to an office and full-time assistant; domestic air and train travel for official purposes, a car and driver or a self-drive vehicle, and access to a car pool in other cities; and an unlimited supply of journals and newspapers and overseas travel.

The Opposition says the package is too generous.

Mr Howard has told Southern Cross Radio it would be petty to argue Dr Hollingworth should receive less because he did not serve his full five-year term.*

"Once you start dividing it and pro rataing according to the number of years they've served, you are sort of arguing over a pinhead in a way," he said.

Indeed, there have been many divided arguments about the way this particular mitred pinhead failed in his duty of care over a number of years as Archbishop of Brisbane.

I presume that people (I believe they are called "clients" nowadays) receiving Social Security payments will become beneficiaries of the Prime Minister's new found largesse. Quibbles over a dollar here and a dollar there, pro rata this, pro rata that, cross that "t", dot that "i", lift that bail, get a little drunk and you'll land in jail will be all things of the past.

The gainfully unemployed will have their 6 week holiday packages to the Gold Coast reinstated. (*It would be petty to argue that the unemployed should receive less because they left their jobs voluntarily and prematurely.) Single mothers will no longer be burnt at the stake. The streets will flow with milkshakes and honey courtesy of the "Mandy Vanstone Bespoke Catering Service and Soup Kitchen". O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!

Right on John, let's hear no more of pinheads and petty penny pinching. Pension entitlements are matters close to the heart of all politicians and we don't want no thin edge of the wedge precedents do we?

It's a long way to Tipperary Pete and an even longer way from your Brotherhood of St Lawrence day's dedicated to the poor and downtrodden.

Time to move on. The long and windy road to Damascus has many shortcuts.

Might I be churlish enough to note that, true to form, our John was happy to bask in the kudos when most people (there were some who had reservations about the division of Church and State) thought the Prime Minister's personal appointment was all apple pie and cream.

Come the merde hitting the fan, the previously unilateralist John was quick to give up the names of his Cabinet co-conspirators. Singing is an endearing quality in a Prime Minister ... and canaries.

Editor's note: I think Mr Howard is quite correct. Mr Hollingworth must continue to live in the manner to which he's become accustomed...that being lots of tiny little perks and lots of perky little tinies.

Monday, May 26, 2003

Bleedin' Song f'r Europe? What was that abart then? Bloomin' out o' tune load of shit f'r Europe more like! Jemini? Don't make me laff! Cancer I reckon...of the bowel. Or Libra Panty Pads with extra' no bloomin' wings. Or Taurus the bullshit with added shit.
That pair o' clowns couldn't sing if their bollocks was caught in me granny's old mangle. I remember the good old days when we 'ad Dana and the Bruvver'ood of Man! They was real songs. And real singers too. None this makin' excuses abart "Oh we 'ad technical difficulties." Yeah, you did luv! Y' couldn't fuckin' sing!
Still, I'd 'ad shagged 'er. And I'd have given at least one point for havin' a nice pair o' tits, which is more than those Iraqi lovin' Froggie puffs did!

Now look what's happened! There's something wrong with my right foot. God knows how but at some point yesterday, some point as yet undisclosed to me, I did something to it and now it's swollen down one side. A huge, muscular, throbbing, major swelling that looks as though a rhinoceros has climbed under the skin and built a nest inside. I only noticed it when I took my boots off last night and the right one tore along the stitches because it had gotten so tight.
I've calculated the number of hours I have left to live based on my own special Fatalistic Hypochondriac Duration Tables and whatever the swelling is I estimate that by Thursday at the latest I'll be in a coffin. This really isn't on. I've only just got out of hospital after a gruelling twenty-four hour BUPA operation on my gallbladder for crying out loud! An operation following which the cold hearted staff threw me out on my arse at six o'clock in the morning with the parting words, "If your stomach bursts open use the shoehorn we've provided to tuck the innards back." And, "It's raining. You should have brought your brolly."
And now this! Life is unbearable! I've rewritten my will and taken Clarkes Hiking Boot Manufacturers from the smallprint for obvious reasons. They're not getting my liver as originally planned. I'm leaving that to Teachers Whiskey instead and Clarkes will have to make do with either my blocked sinus or my kitchen sideboard.

This on the queries log!

"women who leave skidmarks"

Ah yes, the age old can't-be-bothered-to-wipe-my-arse-properly male oriented question - do women leave skidmarks?

To which the answer is - of course they do. Every time some suicidal, pig-ignorant, small-dick-and-no-brain male driver cuts in front of them to prove their roadcraft superiority!!!!!

Deputy Editor notes this on the queries log. screaming 8 years old’s tiny scrotum was being sliced open

Now, I want whoever sought this to come to my office after class and say sorry to little Brian ... look at me while I'm talking to you Porter!



Quick note ... if the blog goes pear shaped in the next few hours don't be surprised. Blogger's template server is "down" and I have attempted to add a new link whilst this hiatus was in full bloom. (Blogger's incomprehensible explanation in Shoutbox.)
I take a few weeks off to write a small thesis (not the one bothering Hughes!) -- Editor's note: I'll disregard that remark...but only because you've been away for so long and have forgotten my iron will...oh, wait...I've just reread what you've written. I thought you were insulting Deputy Editor Sedgwick by calling him a small faeces -- and what happens? Blair goes and fucks it up big time!

We now have fortress Westminster. Having made Government as inaccessible and incomprehensible to any normal person-about-town (that’s if Ken Livingshit actually allows anyone holding a British passport and steady job past his own cordon) some bright spark noticed a loophole so now even our more ambitious asylum seekers will not be allowed to put across a case for their right to publicly expresses their religious devotion to martyrdom and mass murder. I mean, blimey, if they can’t express themselves freely now they’re here why let them in at all?

Our wonderful Court of Appeal has let off a bunch of Afghan hijackers because they were in fear of their lives and fleeing from the Taliban. Apparently the fear and stress suffered by the hijacked passengers and crew was only a minor technicality and hardly worth bothering about. Those same hijackers now have leave to sue for having to suffer the “stress” of wrongful conviction and imprisonment. The Law has finally succeeded in plunging this benighted country into madness and chaos where Bleugghh and his cohorts have failed. It is little wonder that we have an asylum problem. Britain is the biggest fucking lunatic asylum in the world.

Having rid the world of Saddam the Tyrant, Bleugghh is willing to get tough on all tyrants. Which is why he invites them over for a quiet game of cricket and tea in the pavilion. But then, having Cherie grin at them is enough to put the frighteners on anyone.

Amphibian-worshipper Blair is set to put a seal on his unholy alliance with devilfrog-incarnate Valery Giscard Destaing. Tone wants us to believe he is fighting on our behalf but he is actually fighting on his own behalf. Already-a-done-deal President Unelect Destaing is willing to remove the word “federal” from Britain’s part of the agreement to give up our sovereignty, our vetos and our seat on the UN Council to an unelected and unaccountable Brussels Illuminati. What Bleugghh fails to understand is that Destaing has a secret weapon of mass democratic destruction…..a THESAURUS!!!!!!

I suppose Bleugghh could be forgiven for wanting to hand over the reins of government to Europe. Apart from the fact he believes he stands a chance of becoming the first President of the United States of Europe (I’m still pissing myself laughing over that one!), he’s made such a balls-up of domestic policies (Education, NHS, tax credits, foreign policy, defence the asylum crisis, curbing judicial stupidity, the list goes on ad infinitum…) he believes his coals can be pulled out of the fire only by the same bastards who stabbed him in the back over the second UN Resolution. Personally, I believe that our immediate problems can be solved with a general election but that’s just me.

Bleugghh seems to believe that giving up our sovereignty is too important a question to put to a democratic referendum. He believes the electorate are too stupid to see the overall picture and “do the right thing”. This is the same stupid electorate that put him in office in the first place. Er…maybe he has a point.

Will becoming a fully functioning plaything (Don’t you mean member state? Ed.) of Europe be good for us? You need to look no further than Value Added Tax. Does anyone actually believe that you get any value out of having to pay almost 20% more for goods and services? Me neither. Since joining the EU our farming and fishing industries have been legislated and bureaucritised almost out of existence. Shopkeepers are thrown into jail for refusing to convert to metrication. Promoting anything British, including a Festival of British Food to help our independent food industries, is not eligible to receive a Government grant Government is a veritable fount of generosity when it comes to promoting foreign goods. And what benefit do we get out of weird EU directives like the regulated size and shape of bananas?

So much of our independence has already been eroded away. Even our wonderful government seems to be embarrassed to be called British. When Bleugghh surged into power on the phrase “Cool Britannia” he actually meant FOOL BRITANNIA!!! And we’re letting him get away with it!!!!!

Sunday, May 25, 2003

The British government has erected numerous large concrete blocks around the Houses of Parliament. (How picturesque.) The over-the-top reaction comes amidst fears of suicide bombers attempting to follow Guy Fawkes' excellent precedent by detonating themselves during the annual politician's pay-rise debate. (The only time that the Houses of Parliament are actually busy.)
John Prescott was, naturally, the first to have his trowel at the ready and had consumed vast amounts of stone chippings and concrete all last week.
"I had an iron square inserted into my anus by a team of expertly trained engineers," he explained with a mouthful of shit pie and chips. "That way when I laid the first block it didn't taper to a point where my arse shut."
Politicians had originally been hoping that Tony Blair would lay the first stone but unfortunately he was busy abroad laying President Bush instead.

Meanwhile, in the British armed forces, Major Somebody-or-other (I can't be arsed doing the research...blame ITN for sticking the news on when I'm busy making my dinner) is being taken to court by some American general for breaking the Geneva Convention in Iraq. Apparently the British Major bullied and tormented one Iraqi POW to the point where he was slightly offended.
"This is disgraceful," said the hypocritical Yank. "We can't have Brits going against the Geneva Convention like this. Sure...kill five thousand innocent people in cold blood like us Americans an illegal detention centre such as Guantanamo Bay and disregard thousands of human rights there...kill British soldiers in 'Blue on Blue's and then refuse to send those responsible across the Atlantic to stand trial for their murderous ways...but that's all different. This is a Brit we're talking about...and the bastard should fry!"
At this point the general started frothing at the mouth before continuing, "We still haven't forgiven the ignorant fuckers for killing Mel Gibson in Braveheart!"

Euroblindness...and Britain has managed to achieve its lowest ever score at the Eurovision Song Contest. "Nil Point et encoule tu Anglais derierres sil vous plait!"
Angry commentators have suggested that Tony bin Spin's recent campaign against Iraq was at the source of this disasterous result.
"The rest of Europe now hate our guts," said Terry Wogan, fat Irish, gut-busting sponsor of the talentless show himself. "We've ruled out the possibility of the song actually being shit, of course. All the songs we've entered over the decades have been shit and it's never affected them."
This morning Stock, Aitkin and Waterman were seen being frogmarched at gunpoint into the Ministry of Truth. Fifteen minutes later three shots were heard followed by a loud cheer from the British Music Industry.

Oz G-G quits

Doctor Peter Hollingworth has announced he has quitting as Governor-General of Australia.

The announcement was made in a written statement issued a just before 5:00pm AEST.

Dr Hollingworth has been under intense pressure to quit, since an Anglican church report found he had acted inappropriately by allowing a known paedophile to continue in the ministry.

He has also been attacked over a letter he wrote last week, suggesting a 14-year-old had started a relationship with an adult church worker.

So long Pete. What took you so long Pete?

Now Australia awaits his replacement. Effectively it is a personal appointment by the Prime Minister of the day. Having buggered up this one comprehensively (forget the specific manifold character flaws of Hollingworth ... what was a cleric doing in the job in the first place? ... division of Church and State and all that) we can hardly wait for Little Johnny's inspired choice for Her Old Grey Marejesty's representative in Australia.


1/2 Equal. A retired judge ... always the front runner, and in these circumstances a retired female judge is looking a strong possibility.

1/2 Equal. A former Australian politician ... of a distinctly Tory disposition.
(Mark down the name Tim Fisher. He's the one not in the dress.)

11/4 A member of the House of Saxe-Coburg ... one of them has to get something remotely resembling a job.

5/1 A former sporting figure ... undoubtedly a willow weilder.

10/1 A member of the clergy ... John is nothing if not dogged and hates being proven wrong. (Possible early market shortener.)

15/1 A former cast member of "Neighbours" ... for no other reason than to short circuit another failed pop music career.

33/1 A superannuated Colonel Pewter ... geriatric Pommy military types were all the go back in the 50s, and John is a man firmly rooted in the 1950s.

1000/1 An indigenous Australia ... sorry, but what sort of example would that be, we've just trained them to use the tradesman's entrance. We don't need no uppity natives.

10000/1 Sedgwick ... yes, I was offered the gig but I baulked at the bit in the contract requiring the GG to service Janette while John was away in Canberra screwing the country.

Editor's own book:

3 to 1 against but rising swiftly, Peter 'Don't mention the fact that I'm gay or I'll sue you' Mandelson.

1 billion to one against turning odds on favourite: Clare 'My face is a comely as a bulldog's anus' Short.

Deputy Editor and Bespoke Turf Accountant notes that there has been an avalanche of "educated money" placed on Ms Short. I'm not surprised. I note that her willingness to resign compares well with the current track record holder Peter Hollingworth.

From the Centrebet Form Guide: "Aged mare, notoriously slow out of the barrier but will stay all day. First start on this track but worth considering as an each way bet."