Saturday, July 12, 2003

The British Government is proposing compulsory sex education for five year old children. (What else is new? I thought they'd been teaching primary school kids this stuff for decades anyhow.) Naturally the controversial bill has been widely condemned by those who believe that "childhood is a sacred time and ignorance innocence is a vaulable commodity." (Copyright Gary Glitter 1998.)
"Educating toddlers on such matters will lead to a decline in teenage pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases," said a government spokesperson. And for once I have to agree. There's no quicker way to put kids off anything than to teach it in school.

Meanwhile the Anglican Church today is holding a mass debate. (Ooh er Missus!) The Archbishop of Canterbury said earlier in the morning that, "We need to discuss the role of homosexuals in the modern church..." (they make good cleaners, apparently) "...but not on this occasion."
Excellent! That should leave a couple of hours clear for that old chestnut of camels and needles' eyes and extreme wealth to be debated amongst the filthy rich bigots then.

And in America CIA officials are blaming Britain for misleading intelligence over the African Uranium affair.
"We honestly didn't know anything about it," said one leading rat as he was abandoning the sinking ship. "It was those Goddamn lying Limeys all along what stuck it to us."
President Bush was unavailable to comment as, true to form, he had been carefully packed off abroad where reporters couldn't reach him. This week, Dubya's been 'communing' with his relatives the chimpanzees and watching bonking elephants with a bemused expression on his face. Already the royalty cheques have started rolling in from wrinkled old tosser Denis Norden.

I'm sorry Sir, this Department only sells pups ...
the Department over there provides the pork pies.

and on ... and on ... and on ... and on ... and on ... and on ... it goes.

Friday, July 11, 2003

How to Sucede At Uropeen Politicks!

harf term Cheers Cheers! Roar ov bak benchers and lotz ov paper plains thrown in air! the parlimentery buss puls up owtside bishopsgate, hem hem, an everone piles on bord! thers much showting and carowsing and drincing ov ginger beer and signing ov Rugbee songs ect ect ect.
Were all ov to urope for the uropeen unyon convenshon (thort headboy tony had put a stop too al the unyons but whatevr!) ov course wen the libdems clime on the buss in there shabby uniforms with there long unhapy feaces we steel there satchals and throw them owt ov the windows and jump on there caps itz goin too be a grate holiday and no mistak chiz chiz!
Folowing a long and weerisome wate at dover dew too terorist activitity we finaly cach the fery acros the chanel and end up, somewhat the wurse for ware, hem hem, at the uropeen parlimentury billding deputy hedboy st john prescot hees sat on the back row necks to me throwin up in a brown paiper bag to meny sweets and cans ov lager me thinks chiz chiz.
then the italian spick mineester stand up and say the german chanslor is a big fat narsi pig and sit down agen smirking! Well, the head krout isent havin non of it and he calls the wop a musilini eating daigo. then jack straw, hees ar dorm master, says that the italyarns hav nothin too talk abowt becos they used too be narsis as well and benito italyarn headboy he say the british (cheers cheers) shuld keep there noses owt becos we went to wor wiv iraqistanbul on a tissoo ov lies an the french ar just surender monkees.
then the break bell goez and everones fritened to go in to the playgrownd becos we al know thers bown too be a fite. the spiks and the krowts ar practisin there chinees burnz on the frogy bakbenchers so me and abbott miner sneek ov for a bit ov home maid chem behind the bikesheds. then abot minor shows me her draws an we rol on the grownd laffing whilest the rest ov urope startz a big war in the asembly hall.
hapy hols cheers cheers!

Readers from the countries comprising the Coalition of the ready, willing and don't let anyone try to stop us.
Is this a familiar story? (updated)

Iraq case stands up without Africa link: PM

Prime Minister John Howard denies that disproven allegations that Iraq attempted to purchase uranium from Africa were a key element of the Australian case for war.

The Prime Minister added, "Saying that would be like suggesting that never ever implementing a GST was a key element in my election campaign. Some people seem to be obsessed with drawing these silly longbows of mass destruction."

The Office of National Assessments (ONA) has released a statement revealing it knew there were doubts about the claims in January but did not inform the Government.

Mr Howard made reference to the Iraq-African connection in a speech to federal Parliament a month later.

Mr Howard says he retains full confidence in the ONA.

Later Mr. Howard expanded on his statement saying, "I believe that the ONA is the best scapegoat that a threat to career paths and money can buy. Just because it failed every test of competency and accountability is of no matter at all. The point is that it has again taken a fall for me. You can't buy loyalty like that, well not for peanuts at least. And no, I would never, never shoot the messenger, if the messenger chooses to run on its own sword ... well, is that my fault?"

"The ONA have made a statement, they've explained what happened," he said.

ONA press liaison officeress, Helen Keller explained that the ONA's guide dog had been diagnosed with foot and mouth disease and had to be put down and was therefore unavailable for sighting and assessment of the intelligence that fell off the back of an email. Compounding this problem was the malicious hacking of the jam tins and pieces of string communications software that connects ONA with the Office of the Prime Minister. This action seriously compromised the information that ultimately had to be sent to the Prime Minister written on the shirt cuff of Bert the ONA cleaner who had arranged to pick up Ronnie the PM's cleaner after work for a beer or 12.

Further, once you start passing on information you become vulnerable to the problem of Chinese whispers. An ONA officer receives information from the American State Department. That officer passes the information on to a security analyst who writes a report for the Attorney General, who then conveys this information onto the Prime Minister. The Prime Minister then presents this information to the Parliament. No wonder our dossier which contained simple advice to the Prime Minister that he should stop responding to Nigerian email scams was eventually presented to the Parliament in the form that has been widely reported."

"The important point to make is that the material would not have in any way, had it been in my possession prior to the last few days, would not have affected our decision."

But the Opposition says it is a mystery why the ONA failed to pass on the information.

Labor foreign affairs spokesman Kevin Rudd says Mr Howard's credibility on Iraq is in question.

"Mr Howard has a record as far as dealing with the truth on national security and border security questions," he said.

"We saw Mr Howard's performance on the question of children overboard or truth overboard.

"Are we seeing a repeat of the same thing now as far as the Iraq war is concerned? Mr Howard has some very big questions to answer."

ALP leader aspirant and plotter Labor foreign affairs spokesman Kevin Rudd added, "In particular we want to know what the PM knew and when didn't he know it."


In a radio interview this morning, the Prime Minister was asked whether he retained confidence in ONA, he replied: "That is a generic thing (A No Name brand el cheapo security service?!) that doesn't mean that they don't make a mistake...You form a generic sense of (judgement) on people."

Declaring the issue "blown out of all proportion", he went on to declare his confidence in "the credibility, honesty, trustworthiness of ONA"

"If ONA was in error, it was a failing of judgement not a failing of integrity.”

Apparently no matter how hopelessly inept the ONA, as long as it has its heart in the right place and takes the flak, then it's all tickety-boo.

Frigging hell! This IS the Office of National Assessment which is supposed to keep an eye on nasty bastards who want do blow up innocent Australians They are supposed to be ensuring that we can all sleep safely in our beds at night.


Now that the ONA has been dobbed in by the Man of Steel as "lacking judgment", how much credibility can be attached to future ONA reports?

Further into his weaseling out defence, the Man of Steel says he has "been told by ONA that the reference to the State Department doubts is about one sentence in an annex to an 86 page document".

86 pages of dense analysis in which the sentence "Oh by the way, all that stuff about Saddam getting penny bungers from Niger is a load of cobblers" can be so easily overlooked or ignored.

It begs the question of if it's worthwhile getting the faithful chaps at ONA to bang out a 86 page document, it might be worth reading every word of it. Bugger it I had to read "War and Peace" for English Lit. (Oh, that it were only 86 pages!) and there were questions asked in class when I had finished reading it. Every page of it, John.

GIVE US A BREAK, MAN OF STEEL! We're not all as stupid as the ONA staff appear to be, nor are we as gullible as you like to think we are.

I suspect you are in desperate need a bit of reliable information John, so this tip is on the house. My goldfish (who is as dumb as dog shit but whose heart is in the right place) has it on good authority that the WMDs are hidden in ... wait for it ... Niger.

For your information Goldie has underlined the relevant sentence in his report (the 3 page ONA director's cut for your short attention span convenience) with his waterproof fluoro highlighter.

Let me tell you ... I am seriously shocked and awed by all these shenanigans!

... and related news The CIA let me say it and then ran away, but Condie says the White House "absolutely" had confidence in CIA director George Tenet, saying he had served "very well". Everybody loves a fall guy.

Worrying acronyms.

Aussies worried over delay in MILF talks

Australian Ambassador to the Philippines Ruth Pearce said Australia is concerned with reports linking the MILF with Jemaah Islamiah, a terrorist organization operating in Southeast Asian region accused of plotting the Bali bombing in 2002 that claimed the lives of several Australians."

"I’ve seen the reports that there are links between Jemaah Islamiah in Mindanao and the MILF, but again, the details I don’t know. It’s an issue of deep concern for us."

If she's feeling "not work safe", here are a few links Ms. Pearce might check.

Thursday, July 10, 2003

Some friendly advice for cabinet members who feel the need to invent portfolios.

1) If you're going to use an American graduate's thesis as part of your evidence make sure that you first get the graduate's name. Secondly ensure his silence by threatening his family with extreme violence. Thirdly make sure that the thesis hasn't been published on the Internet as somebody's bound to find it and then it'll be a dead give-away. And fourthly correct the grammar and spelling, as it's different from the British version. The Mail on Sunday and other such luminary tabloids are well aware of this and any discretion will be pounced upon quickly.
2) When using fabricated intelligence sources to 'sex up' dossiers don't sack your foreign secretary if he's well aware of what you've done. Especially don't sack him and then give his job to an annoying Scottish bastard. Backbenchers are only human and will stab you in the shoulder blades quicker than you can plagiarise an O level...recently demoted backbenchers even more so.
3) Don't count on the Secret Service to remain very secret. Their track record on this score isn't terribly impressive, as Stella Rimmington demonstrates. For the best example please note James Bond, the world famous secret agent whose reputation always precedes him.
4) Should you get caught don't put the blame on the BBC. They're as big a bunch of bastards as you are
and will stick by their smoking guns right up to the end. Or until the licence fee is extended with a few brass knobs on, whichever is the better deal.
5) If you're the leader of the opposition, don't pretend to be ignorant of the dossier so that you can score points over the Prime Minister. If you were unaware of the true facts at the time then why did you speak with such authority in favour of the war, you bald headed Tory shit?
6) Never underestimate the intelligence of the general public, the ruthlessness of the British media or the lack of integrity of the American president. The truth will out regardless of how large a broom Alistar Campbell buys to sweep it all under the carpet and, with a bit of luck, you'll all end up swinging by your balls from the Tower of London. Especially Clare Short.
7) Keep your so-called 'integrity' intact and resign your office now, making way for curvaceous left-wing beauty Dianne Abbott!

Uncle Brian: Hoping against hope that some bastard somewhere will hang for this and that a modicum of justice for the thousands of innocent lives lost in this debacle is served up nice and cold.

Wednesday, July 09, 2003

"I know when I'm being sold a pup of mass destruction"

Speaking in South Africa, Bush also predicted that proof of Saddam's weapons programs would yet be found. More than two months of searching in postwar Iraq have turned up little that would validate his assertions that Iraq had chemical and biological weapons and a program to develop nuclear weapons.

"There's no doubt in my mind that when it's all said and done the facts will show the world the truth," Bush said at a news conference in Pretoria during his five-nation African tour. "There's going to be, you know, a lot of attempts to try to rewrite history, and I can understand that. But I'm absolutely confident in the decision I made."

Undertanding the rewriting of history? You betcha! I'm sure George has given our Ari a massive advance for his upcoming "The Illuminated Book of Kills ... a Short History of Lies".

Related post script: Greg Thielmann, an official with the State Department's intelligence bureau who retired last year, told an Arms Control Association forum on Wednesday that when it came to Iraq, the administration took an approach that seemed to say, "We know the answers, give us the intelligence to support those answers."


Alwhright mate? Y'r alwhright, aren't y' mate? You're me mate, you are. You're me mate an' you're alwhright y' fuckin' cunt! Ar know...Av 'ad a bit t' drhink but am uz sober as a judge I am. Sober as a cock suckin' judge! An thas whas they ar, y' know? Fuckin' cock suckin' cunts the lorrov 'em. Fuckin' cunts in wigs thas what! Fuckin' majistrates an benders! You know whad day did? Eh? Ar y' listenin' mate, 'cos I've got somethink verr, verr portant t' tell ya! Y' know what that cuntin' arsehole ov a shudge did today? 'Ee fined me fifty quid! Fifty fuckin' quid juss f'r flashin' me knob at some bird onnuh train! Whaddya think ov zat then, eh? Just f'r flashin' me knob! Alwhright...Ard 'ad a few, on account o' Man United winnin'. But 'oo can blame me? Eh? I ask y'? Anyone 'ud a done ze same, even that fuckin' puff ov a judge. An' this old biddy...this old bastard biddy bitch...I was only wankin' off in 'er face... which, admittedly, might be contruted...constudelled...constueueued by zom as bein' a bit offenzive like, especially seein' as she was ze lady mayoress an' she waz openin' the new platform at ze time. But...but...but...oh fuckin' 'ell...Arv spilt me dhrink on y' keks...Am zorry mate...oh look whaddarv done...Arv spilt me fuckin' drink now an' Arv pizzed me fuckin' trousers! No...Ar don't wanna go 'ome y' twat! Geddoff me arm y' fuckin' bender. Arl 'ave y' now! Y' startin' sommet? Eh? Y' fat bastard! Y' startin' sommet y' big shit ztabber?! Arl 'ave you and 'oos army, y' stinkin' great ponce! Come on! COME ON!
SMACK! Jeshush fuckin' Haitch!

Editor's note: The fat bloke in the pub has now left the building, leaving behind him one set of keys for a 1976 Ford Fiesta, one copy of Razzle Magazine (well thumbed), two children and a pissed off wife, one very large turd in the lavatory and half a pint of blood from his left nostril. All donations will be given to the people who live next door to the Fisherman's Arms for the years of annoying bullshit they've had to suffer at full volume every evening around eleven o'clock.

Out of the mouths of Gepetto's babies
... or Niger, Niger burning bright the damp squib.

"At the time, the national intelligence estimate on Iraqi weapons of mass destruction referred to attempts by Iraq to acquire uranium from several countries in Africa," Michael Anton, a spokesman for the National Security Council, said. "We now know that documents alleging a transaction between Iraq and Niger had been forged."

As part of their case for military action against Iraq, both President Bush and Britain's Prime Minister Tony Blair accused Saddam Hussein's government of attempting to purchase uranium to fuel its illegal weapons program.

Prime Minister Blair first raised the issue publicly in September 2002, when he introduced an intelligence dossier that outlined the efforts of Iraq's government to thwart international arms agreements and United Nations Resolutions.

"We know Saddam has been trying to buy significant quantities of uranium from Africa, though we do not know whether he has been successful," Blair told parliament on Sept. 24, 2002

The White House press office issued a statement saying the president no longer backed the reports, but officials were quick to say that the administration had distanced itself from the Niger claim months ago.

White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said, "There is zero, nada, nothing new here." He added that the Bush administration "long acknowledged" that information on the attempted purchases from Niger "did, indeed, turn out to be incorrect."

Full story.

"When PG Wodehouse wrote humorously about Hollywood he invented a genus called nodders. First there was the film company's president, then legions of vice-presidents, then there were the nodders whose job it was to attend conferences and agree, by deferential head inclination, with everything that was said. Far too many reporters and legislators are nodders."

The above snippet is from interesting and related article about nodders by this interesting convert who was stung by an email from a newspaper editor who expressed surprise about his peacenik views

"I was outraged, and replied that far from having had "mainstream views", I possessed in the fairly recent past decidedly right-stream views. Never at a loss for a cliche, I state that not long ago I was several leagues to the right of Genghiz Khan, and replied to Ye Ed that "I was a thorough-going, kill-a-commie-for-Christ, jackboot-wearing, there's no-Gook-like-a-dead-Gook, card-carrying, liberal-hating fascist". "

Tuesday, July 08, 2003

"Nothing is sacred...except for my nipples"

The conjoined Iranian twins hermetically sealed at the head who have been making headline news around the World recently have tragically died at the Raffles Hospital in Singapore. After forty hours of massive PR surgery the operation failed and the media frenzy was called to a po-faced halt. Following the sad announcement, the ROTW staff approached Raffles Hospital with a new proposition, to separate Siamese twins Tony bin Blair and George W Bush, who are joined at the wallet.

"The operation would be even more problematic in this instant," commented Dr Frenchfries, the surgeon in charge. "These two only share half a brain and the risk of death must be estimated at ninety-nine point nine per cent." what's the problem?

Meanwhile, on a council estate in Brighton, a six-year girl, last seen being bundled into a car, has turned up again in a neighbour's house. Six year old Summer (Summer? What sort of stupid name is that?) went missing last night, forcing concerned parents Mindy and Dragon (Dragon? DRAGON? Now you're just taking the piss!) to call the police. A brand new system to deal with child abduction was immediately put into place. Within two hours the missing child's photograph was being broadcast on the news but, unfortunately, the fat blotchy woman who lived in the house where Summer was staying was a council estater and therefore incapable of watching any news or educational programmes or apparently telephoning the child's parents.

Commented Chief Inspector Spastic, the investigating officer, "Obviously there are a few fuck ups in the system, not least the incredible stupidity of the people who live round these parts." When asked about the report of the child being abducted by a large gentleman, Spastic added, "It was probably just the fat bastard from number forty-two nicking the generator again. This lot round here 'ull steal anything!"

Note from Dep. Ed. Just tinkered with your posting a bit to check a few things out ... was it good for you too?

Inka dinka doo

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Baby Ink

"Let them eat yellow cake and other total confections"

WASHINGTON (AP) - Amid questions about prewar intelligence, the White House is acknowledging that President Bush was incorrect when he said in his State of the Union address that Iraq recently had sought significant quantities of uranium in Africa

Democrats in Congress also have questioned how the Bush administration used U.S. intelligence on Iraq's weapons programs.

Bush said in his address to Congress in January that the British government had learned that Saddam recently sought significant quantities of uranium in Africa.

The president's statement in the State of the Union was incorrect because it was based on forged documents from the African nation of Niger, White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said Monday.

"The president's statement was based on the predicate of the yellow cake uranium "from Niger," Fleischer told reporters. "So given the fact that the report on the yellow cake did not turn out to be accurate, that is reflective of the president's broader statement."

Notwithstanding running young Heidi Fleischer's statement through several online translators, I remain completely in the dark about what he meant. I suspect that's why George gave the Fleischer kiddy the gig ... they both spokes the same langeridge.

Monday, July 07, 2003

Spin, spin, spin the wheel of justice...

And so the labour party (please note the small 'L' as Uncle Tony and his cronies no longer constitute the old socialist brigade who once championed the welfare state and a standard of levelling not seen since Cromwell put the boot in) still facing accusations of 'one spin factor too many' has reverted to the only tactics that it (or more precisely Alistar Campbell) knows. Yet more spin! And the spin-doctors are out in force.
"The BBC should admit its mistake and apologise!" claims every whip, bootboy and brown-hatter sent forth to multiply across our t.v. screens by Campbell in person. There haven't been so many government personalities on the news since...well, since Lord Alistar deemed it necessary for the party to keep its head down and hope that a lack of televisual involvement would lead the general public to conclude that the NHS, Education, the Watford Gap etc were all fine and functioning as was proper.
So why the dramatic increase in ugly bastards on our screens? Surely this is a matter between the BBC and Tony bin Turtleneck? Well...when you stop to consider that our beloved Prime Minister (allegedly) lied to the electorate over WMD and his reasons for going to war, and that the said war was probably illegal, then this becomes more than a matter of trust. In fact, considering that thousands of innocent people died in Iraq to 'secure world peace and destroy Saddam's weapons' and, also considering that the premise for those people's deaths was purely fabricated, then the Iraq war wasn't actually a war at all but a simple case of mass murder.
String the bastards up by the balls! I've said it before and I'll say it again, Tony Blair, John Prescott, Clair Short (and indeed every New Labour politician who knew that the 'dossier of evidence' was pure invention as originally hinted at months ago by Robin Cook in his resignation speech) is a murdering bastard and deserves the full weight of international law on their cursed heads!
But the BBC has a licence to consider. The one remaining so-called National Institution, run by nothing but lords and piers of the realm, a body saturated with incest, nepotism and government control and the only thing keeping the fuckers afloat is that bloody licence. Please note the many and varied veiled threats to those in charge of Auntie Beeb from those running scared in the government front benches regarding this treasured charter, soon to be up for review, on the news this week.
What's the betting that deals are pulled, backs scratched and testicles tickled and within a fortnight the BBC admits to a mistake that it never made, the licence fee becomes even more bloated and the dust is allowed to settle over the illegal deaths of thousands of Iraqi peasants once more?
Let's not forget that George Orwell once worked for the Beeb and in later years, when he came to write his novel '1984' used it as the basis for the Ministry of Truth. You didn't know that? Well, now you do. Welcome to the New World Order folks. Big Brother isn't only a shit Channel 4 programme full of brain dead wankers. It's now a reality and the only genuine truth left any more is that you and I are well and truly fucked.

Editor's footnote: Typical of Sedgwick to jump the gun (see posting below) on this issue as he has done, so his wombats are often heard to complain, so many times before.

Apparently the Coalition of the Willing is not the only mob having trouble finding WMDs.

Sunday, July 06, 2003

No, my dog didn't eat my integrity, that bloody George's dog did

Blair steps up pressure on BBC

"British Prime Minister Tony Blair has demanded that the BBC retract a report saying that his office in Downing Street exaggerated the threat posed by Iraqi weapons of mass destruction, the BBC reports.

There is still no sign of either the BBC or Downing Street backing down.

Tonight BBC director-general Greg Dyke will brief the corporation's governors on why he is standing by its reporting of the way intelligence was used to make the case for war.

The BBC quoted a senior source in the intelligence community who claimed that Downing Street had "sexed up" the first of its dossiers on Iraq's weapons of mass destruction.

In an interview in today's Observer, Tony Blair says he take it as about as serious an attack on his integrity as there could possibly be."

I thought the Iraq war was over and that shock and awe peace reigned supreme, but here we have some deluded loose cannon mercenary still taking pot shots at the messenger.

An attack on his frigging WHAT!? Here he goes, exaggerating again. This man of principle and integrity who was happy to bandy about an "intelligence" dossier on Iraq plagiarised from academic papers. A grubby, outdated, worthless, reworked piece of paper ripped from "The Book of Kells" that had Tony Chamberpot proudly declaring "peace war in our time."

Let's let Tone's own words be the BBC's defence. "Appearing on the BBC last night, Blair said he still believes he is right to argue that Iraq poses a clear danger to the world. "I may be wrong, but I do believe it," the Prime Minister said at one point."

I sympathise. I know the Earth isn't flat and doesn't rest on the back of tortoises, but I don't like standing too close to the edge perchance I topple over into the abyss.

A word from the wise Tone, talk softly and mendaciously ... but carry a big parachute.

Circle up the bandwagons ... Poo is no longer on the nose.

Let'a hear it for that great Ozzie.

Mark Philllippoooouououssiss.

The Bootiful Game

Beckham passes to Witherspoon 'oo catches it on 'is shin an' dribbles it down the left field.
'Ee passes to Blackmoore 'oo 'eads it t' Kinnock!
He shoots!
He scores!
The crowd goes wild!
Grown men in tears, hugging each other an' jumpin' up and down!
All the women rip off their t-shirts an' get their tits out!
There's bonkin' and tit sucking right across the terraces!
Football! It's the beautiful game!
An' any man 'oo tells y' different is either gay or a fuckin' liar!
My mate Tarquin...'ee's bin seein' that bird 'oo runs the women's footy squad over at the Pig an' Whistle!
I keep tellin' 'im, "It ain't the same thing at all isn't women's footy! There's too many 'ormones flyin' around an' their tits get in the way."
Still, I'd shag 'er though, even if she 'as got a face like an 'odcarrier's elbow. An' if Tarquin found out an' wanted t' make sommet of it I'd 'ave t' kick 'is teeth in. Fuckin' puff! Makin' such a big deal over that old slapper!
Christ...everyone knows she's the local bike.
If 'ee's got sommet t' say 'ee'd better come down the pub an' say it t' me face, 'adn't 'ee? The big ponce!
'Is dad's a fag an' all! I could 'ave 'im any day!
All I'd 'ave t' do is kick his prosthetic leg from underneath 'im and the cunt 'ud 'it the ground 'eadfirst!
Right...'oo's gettin' the next round in?