Saturday, March 29, 2003


Misfires send US missiles into Saudi Arabia

"Some US Tomahawk cruise missiles aimed at Iraq have fallen on Saudi Arabia, forcing planners to suspend certain routes for launches, US military commanders say."

Iraq threatens regular suicide attacks

Iraq says a suicide bomber who has killed four US soldiers in Najaf was an army officer. Baghdad has warned that suicide bombings by troops will become "routine military policy".

US, Britain recruiting UN inspectors to help in Iraq: Blix

!Warning! The contents of this section contain explicit irony.
You must be a non American 18 years of age or older to appreciate this item.
"The United States and Britain are recruiting United Nations (UN) arms inspectors to help find banned weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, chief UN weapons inspector Dr Hans Blix told Swedish Radio in an interview on Saturday local time."

Turkey issues warning to US over Iraq

"Turkey's Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan has warned the United States the country would make up its own mind on whether to send troops into northern Iraq as Kurdish groups controlling the breakaway region advanced on the oil-rich city of Kirkuk."

Al Jazeera cameraman released after US interrogation

"A cameraman for the Arabic satellite network Al Jazeera, who had been reported missing near the southern Iraqi city of Basra, has been freed after a half-day interrogation by US forces, the Qatar-based channel said."

Journalists with US forces forbidden to use sat-phones

"Certain units among US forces fighting in Iraq have forbidden journalists travelling with them to use Thuraya satellite telephones for reasons of operational security, a senior US commander said."

No evidence of Al Qaeda-linked forces in southern Iraq: US

"The US military has no firm evidence that groups linked to Osama bin Laden's Al Qaeda movement are fighting alongside Iraqi forces in southern Iraq, a senior US commander said."

First British war dead arrive home

"The first of 23 British servicemen killed in the opening days of the Iraq war have been flown home to a solemn ceremony with military honours. Underscoring the grimness of the ceremonial was the fact that none of the 10 dead who arrived back on Saturday local time, were killed by enemy fire."

Referral update.
never find frogs in your underpants
brothel dubai
"james dean"+"death was caused by"
"Susan Sarandan naked"
Naked nun movie stills

Our lads may be up to their necks in sand and spin, but their quest for knowledge never wanes.

Oh what a bloody mess we make, when first we try to liberate.

Angry protesters have taken to the streets across the Middle East again today, burning American flags, declaring war on Bush, holding naked ankle protests etc. Meanwhile Iraqi exiles are flooding back into Iraq to volunteer for Suicide Bomb Squads. (Apparently they get two posthumous medals if they blow themselves up within three feet of coalition!)
President Bush, however, continues undaunted. "It's not fair!" he stated on his radio chat show this afternoon. "The Iraqis aren't playing by the rules. Daaaaaaad! Come and sort 'em out for me will y'?"
Back in Blighty, George's friend Tony has been sent to bed without any supper, to '...think about what he's done...' He was last seen unshaven, in his dressing gown, watching reruns of old Question Times, his eyes moist and his career in tatters.
Donald Rumsfelt, his one time schoolchum and confident, commented, "Well, that's the way it goes, folks. Now I've godda get back on my rocking horse and whoop some sand nigger ass! Yeehaw!"

The trials and tribulations continue...

Another market place was hit today, although by what and by whom it's difficult to say. America denies any knowledge of the incident, shifting the blame instead to 'dishonourable Iraqi tactics' and, presumably, those weapons of mass destruction they'd hidden under an apple cart. Whatever the case there were fifty civilians injured this time...and fifty more killed outright. Meanwhile a suicide bomber driving a taxi in downtown Iraq has killed five American soldiers. Dubya described the incident as illustrating the difference between decent, traditional American warfare and disgusting, slimy, brown-headed Iraqis' evil smelling murder tactics. Back home the war office, or the cabinet, or some other such Government department, has apologised for Tony Blair's use of the phrase "executed". They ought to be apologising for a damned sight more than that.

According to the inference of Donald Rumsfelt this time last week the Iraqi regime was supposed to have fallen by now, three civilians at the most would have died, Saddam's head would be being paraded through the streets of Baghdad this morning on the end of a stick carried by liberated towel-heads eating McDonalds burgers and offering their genitals to Coalition forces with enormous gratitude. Instead the invasion is stuck at Umm Qsar, which itself is far from secure yet. Millions face starvation across Iraq because the aid can't get through. And, if the Iraqi Minister for Information is to be believed, British soldiers are now bombing the crap out of Bahsrhah's food stores. Actually I thought they'd bombed the Information Ministry this morning but obviously not. ("It was that place with all the stalls in it and loads of people milling about, wasn't it Sarg?")

To say that the war is going badly would be wrong. It's already gone bad. Now it's getting worse. And if the fuck up hasn't wiped the smug grin from Bush's face (he doesn't understand what's happening yet so he's still wandering around with a hard on feeling superior to everybody else) then it's certainly starting to show on Tony Blair's haggard mush. If Uncle Tony had found himself between a desert and a hard case before he's now sinking in a quagmire of murder, mayhem, illegality and faltering public opinion. He might not have expected this. But most of the rest of us did. The fact that he wouldn't listen and arrogantly lead Britain towards this grimy fate it would appear is starting to dawn on him. His sticky-out ears are starting to flag. His jowls are drooping. His skin has become ashen and his cheeks withdrawn. And you could almost hear what he was thinking at the Camp David press conference the other day. "For fuck's sake George...don't say anything. The British people won't buy it...please keep your mouth're making me look like a tit." Well you are a tit, Tony...and that's about the only smidgen of truth we can be certain of these days.

Friday, March 28, 2003

Dep. Ed. notes further alert ...

UN launches appeal for $2.2b in aid for Iraq

"The United Nations has launched a flash appeal for $2.2 billion to provide immediate humanitarian assistance to the people of Iraq.

The world body says the funds, which would include $1.3 billion in food aid, are needed to avert a humanitarian crisis over the next six months."

Condomlezzie Rice responded on behalf of the Amerkin administration with a strongly worded communique (sorry, that sounded just a bit too Gallic) message. "Don't call us, we'll call you ... or not. Crisis! What crisis? There is no crisis! If you don't believe me then ask the reporters on the spot. We have the most accurate, informative and objective embedded reporters that money and threats to their future employment prospects can buy. Now bugger off!"

Who says the war is going badly? Well, according to military analysts, just about everyone. The Americans made a significant balls up when they underestimated the Iraqis' determination to fight. If they had followed the original UN route and waited until all the options had been tried then France, Germany, Russia and so on would have been part of the coalition. The Iraqis don't trust American troops after they were let down twelve years ago. A proper coalition would have helped to create the expected uprising and a more welcoming attitude in general. Instead miserable civilians now grab what food and water they can, stick two fingers up at the invading troops and bugger off sharpish feeling thoroughly violated.

But still the spin continues. Yesterday Tony bin Blair claimed that two British POWs had been executed by the evil Iraqi regime. Today their relatives came out fighting. Apparently the soldiers were killed in an ambush. Tony Blair is said to be upset at any hurt he might have caused the families during his inspired propaganda. What a cunt, eh? Now deeply humiliated he has vowed never to lie for his own sickening ends ever again.

Meanwhile Brighton pier has been burnt to a crisp this afternoon. Faulty wiring is suspected but the British government is blaming Iraq.


Chigley Does Baghdad!

Here is a Bush. A war-mongering Bush. Wound up and ready to pray prey.

Time flies by when you're the pilot of a plane,
And you fly over Baghdad time and time again.
Firing missiles, dropping MOABs, causing devastation.
Don't go near the market square.
Nothing of importance there.
Lives fly by when you are liberating pests.
The ungrateful little bastards claim they'd rather be oppressed.

The First Week of the War!

The opening week of this inexpertly stage-managed war has been seven days of perpetually decreasing spirals. First Umm Qasr was secured. Then it wasn't. Then it was. Then it wasn't. There was an uprising in Basrah. Then there wasn't. Then there was. Then there wasn't. Kuwait was attacked by scud missiles. But they weren't scud missiles. Then they were. Then they weren't. An armoured column left Basrah to be fired on by Tornadoes. Then they didn't. There were over one hundred tanks amongst them. There were three. Two cruise missiles hit a crowded market in Baghdad. Then only one cruise missile hit a crowded market in Baghdad. Then none. Then it was a scud. But there weren't any scuds. Saddam Hussein was killed in his bunker. Then he wasn't. Then he was. Then he was only injured. But then he died just before appearing on television. But it wasn't him. It was Ronnie Corbett doing an impression. Then it was him and his double had died. Then no one had died. Then everyone had died. Two British soldiers were killed in action. Then they were executed. Then they weren't. Turkish troops invaded Northern Iraq. Then they didn't. Then they did...but only a bit. It was moral and just war. But it wasn't. It never has been. But Tony Blair claims it is. But it isn't. Terry Lloyd went missing. Then he was dead. Then he was only rumoured to be dead. Then he was dead again. Then Canadian troops were massacred outside Baghdad. Then they weren't because Canada isn't even in this war. Vital aid was reaching the starving. Then it wasn't. Then it was shown being handed out in the streets. Then it wasn't because it was still on the ship, which hadn't docked because Umm Qasr was still unsecured. But it was. Weapons of mass destruction were uncovered. But they weren't. Or perhaps they were. But they definitely weren't.

What a load of crap! There are reporters embedded in almost every unit fighting in Iraq. Reporters with information restricted to official military statements and censored for accuracy by the MoD. And none of them can agree with each other! No wonder this war is going so badly. The truth will out eventually, but only when the fighting is over, the innocents have all been liberated from their lives and those who reign supreme in the USA fart in the faces of the UN for one last time before turning Iraq into another American oil-field, only this time without democratic recourse and with American generals in control. Or perhaps it won't. It's Friday night and I'm off to get drunk and wake up tomorrow with an appalling hangover. It seems Britain and America are not the only ones who don't learn from past experiences.

Tough resistance

Tougher-than-expected Iraqi forces have stalled the US drive towards Baghdad, the top US army ground commander in Iraq said.

"The enemy we're fighting is different from the one we'd war-gamed against," Lieutenant-General William Wallace told The Washington Post.

Oh shit! This is all a big mistake? Who did you really mean to declare war on? Grand Fenwick?

Aha! William Wallace ... so Mel Gibson is finally on the scene. English troops, it's time to bunker down.

Thursday, March 27, 2003

Suppose this happened to you.

(or "Chicken Little's Guide to Making a Fast Buck out of America's Fear and Paranoia".)

"It was a beautiful fall day, crisp and clear. My wife and I decided to take the kids to the park for a picnic before winter really kicked in. We all piled into the SUV, Linda, the boys and me and headed up the road. I flipped on the radio and was listening to the latest ballgame scores when a special bulletin came on. The recent onset of what was thought to be a flu epidemic was in fact, the result of biological attacks in cities all across the country. No one was exactly sure what it was, but they were mentioning anthrax and small pox. Tens of thousands, no, hundreds of thousands, were sick and the numbers were growing. The hospitals were overloaded and were telling people to just go home and stay there, not to go outside. The risk of infection was too great, and panic had started. My youngest started crying and my wife looked at me with an expression in her eyes I never wanted to see again. I made a u-turn and headed home. We all went inside, closed and locked the doors and windows and sat, glued to the television. CNN was reporting multiples of thousands of deaths from San Francisco to New Orleans to Boston. It seemed nowhere was safe. The president came on television and stated that he had declared Marshall Law and invoked a curfew. No one was allowed to leave home, for any reason and that it was for our own protection.

As the days went by, there were reports of looting and riots. National Guard troops had been assigned to patrol the streets and take away the dead. What was once an active suburban street filled with laughing kids was now empty and barren, like a ghost town. As bad as it seemed outside, inside was worse. We were running out of food, the power kept flickering on and off and the kids kept asking me when it was going to be over. I didn't know what to tell them. I didn't have any answers.

My youngest boy is now sick. I can't take him to the hospital. They aren't allowing anyone on the streets. I don't know what to do for him. I'm scared. There must have been something I could have done to have prevented this, isn't there....

Just a few short months ago, a story like the above would have seemed impossible and like nothing more than a scare tactic. But now, you cannot turn on the TV or radio, or pick up a newspaper without being confronted with the truth.

America is under biological attack and even the government is saying that this is only the beginning.

We are now facing a monumental threat that most of us have never even envisioned, much less prepared for. But it is crucial for you and your families well-being that you take the time, now, while you still can, to learn how to protect yourself from what is a very real threat to your life and the lives of those you love."

Now in its pre-release, the book, "BioTerrorism Information, How You Can Survive an Attack", is now available for purchase in three user-friendly (?!) formats.

With your purchase, You will also receive lifetime (that's a vote of confidence in the efficacy of this product, how could you not purchase?) updates by email for FREE.

It's a wonder Columbo's wife doesn't divorce him. Every time she gets a hobby he comes along and buggers it up for her. She gets into country music so he arrests Johnny Cash on murder charges. She starts reading horror novels so he arrests Stephen King for paedophilia. Every bloody thing the poor old sow does, enter Columbo, "My wife's a big fan of yours Sir," and that's the end of that! OJ Simpson must have been relieved that she never got into basketball. No wonder she poked his fucking eyeball out.

Going off at a tangent...I've just been watching the "George & Tony Show" at Kitsch David. Until this point I thought Uncle Tony was manipulative, slimy, jug-eared and an embarrassment to Britain. Having watched him with Dubya this afternoon I've changed my assessment to 'A colossus of intellect'. An articulate, coherent and rational leader who, for reasons best left to himself, has associated himself with a mindless insult to down syndrome children. The childhood memories of Johnny Morris at the gorilla house come flooding back, Jack Straw throwing his voice to anthropomorphise the flea-grooming Bush.

Incidentally, for Tony bin Blair's information, seeing as he got his facts confused, the 450,000 children who died in Iraq from malnutrition to which he alluded in defence of his current slaughter, did so through the enforcement of UN sanctions. And I doubt that any of the billions of coalition countries that have allegedly crept through the cracks of the world would argue with that.

"It'll take as long as it takes or as long as it will take. That's how long it'll take and it'll take that long, or longer, if need be. Slow but sure," said George Bush attempting to put into words the fact that the war isn't going well whilst passing comment on the passage of electricity through the stunted synapses that make up his brain.

At the end of the first week of the Iraqi Conflict...apparently it's no longer classified as a 'War' because 'War' costs almost two pounds an hour extra per serving is becoming increasingly clear that the cities of Iraq are growing longer. When hostilities liberation broke out Basr was a simple four letter city with severe vowel disabilities and an open-ended pronunciation. By the end of day four, however, it had mysteriously added an 'a' to the conclusion of its name. As we head into the second week a further 'h' has now appeared. "It's quite possible," said an illiterate American skopesman, although his voice was muffled through a mouth full of beef burgers and dog shit. "That by the time we topple the twenty illegal Saddam Husseins from their evil thrones of despotism, Basrah might be more than one hundred and thirty-six characters long. This proves that the Iraqi people are now joining our forces in our battle for freedom." Major General Popalopodus then disappeared up his own backside in a puff of talcum powder.

Meanwhile Donald Rumbottle has admitted that American cruise missiles were "...almost definitely perhaps possibly involved or not as the case might be in what we've come to regard as might have been for certain an incident of definitely overstated maybe proportions in a rumoured Baghdad market, in which it was slightly highly probable that several suspected although not confirmed civilians were most likely unintentionally killed...a bit." It is also rumoured that Donald Rumbaba is "...possibly perhaps a slightly murdering little bit ugly although we can't say for sure cunt."

News just in and the auditors have finally returned from Afghanistan. "There were some difficult calculations," commented Abu Dabu, Chief Accountant. "But we counted up the dismembered fingers, divided by ten and reached some educated conclusions." The tally so far is approximately as follows: Financial cost...$60 billion. Human lives lost...25 thousand. Number of dictators killed...0. Amount of democratic elections since liberation...none. Number of terrorist incidents carried out by Al Qaeda operatives since the war ended...up by 500%. "Looks like the Afghan war was a great success!" declared Dubya from his Amber Bunker. "We're hoping to achieve the same results with Iraq...only on a much larger scale of course."

As we enter Week Two of the Holy Crusade "The Rant of the Week" pays tribute to
the brave words and phrases that have been collaterally damaged or are missing in action.

"shock and awe"

"decapitation strike"

This image is stored at if it isn't showing right click and click SHOW PICTURE.
ROTW Deputy bin Editor.

(Picture courtesy of Guantanamo Bay authorities
in defiance of the Geneva Convention ... and aesthetics.)

US won't cede control of Iraq to UN

The United States will not cede control of Iraq to the United Nations if and when it overthrows President Saddam Hussein, Secretary of State Colin Powell said.

"We didn't take on this huge burden with our coalition partners not to be able to have a significant dominating control over how it unfolds in the future," Mr Powell told a House of Representatives subcommittee.

"We would not support... essentially handing everything over to the UN for someone designated by the UN to suddenly become in charge of this whole operation."

"We have picked on a greater obligation, to make sure there is a functioning Iraqi government that is supported by the coalition, the centre of gravity remaining with the coalition, military and civilian," he said.

A unilateral policy widely practiced by the Goths, Vandals, Vikings and Romans, known and loved as "To the victors the spoils". All hail Caligula W. who, having been away the day they did spelling, is soon to appoint his arse Pro Consul to Iraq.

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Iraq has executed some prisoners of war in what the Pentagon's No. 2 general described Wednesday as one of many "disgusting" war crimes committed by forces loyal to Saddam Hussein.

"They have executed prisoners of war," said Gen. Peter Pace, vice chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, in an interview on CNN's "Larry King Live."

Pace did not elaborate. Earlier in the day, Pentagon sources told CNN they were looking into a report that Iraqi soldiers shot dead seven U.S. Army soldiers as they were surrendering with their hands up Sunday.

They HAVE executed POWs? May well be so ... but the evidence for this unambiguous assertion? Non elaboration and a "looking into a report". Reasonable doubt? Balance of probability? Go for it Gen. Goebbels, we believe you unreservedly ... especially as you have chosen a TV programme as the sober platform to mount your claims.

"We will be right back with claims by General Pace that Saddam once shared a meal with Jeffrey Dahmer straight after this message from our sponsors."

Wednesday, March 26, 2003

Pentagon admits strikes on residential area

"The Pentagon has confirmed it targeted missiles and rocket launchers in a heavily populated area of Baghdad overnight. Iraqi television has shown pictures of a popular market place hit by a missile strike, in which local officials say at least 14 people died.

US military officials say they targeted the missile and rocket launchers which were located less than 100 metres from a populated area. They say they used precision weapons in the strike and simply do not know if it was this that was responsible for the civilian casualties shown on Iraqi television.

Pentagon officials say they do not know exactly where the civilians died in the city.

The Bush war plan calls for minimising civilian casualties and collateral damage while destroying the symbols of the regime."

Deputy Editor recommends this article by Norman Mailer. Lengthy, but on the button.

"If I were George W. Bush's karmic defense attorney, I would argue that his best chance to avoid conviction as a purveyor of false morality would be to pray for a hung jury in the afterworld."

"Al-Jazeera has been banned from the New York Stock Exchange because of its war coverage - not its business coverage. The network is being punished because it showed pictures of PoWs and dead USA troops - behaviour nothing like the networks covering Guantanamo Bay, of course.

The NYSE's official line is that it is rationalising on available space - but only one network has been removed during the putative rationalisation."

I don't know what all the fuss is about! So the Yanks bombed a market place and killed a few Iraqis. You can't tell me they didn't deserve it. It's a bleedin' war for Christ's sake! What the bloody 'Ell did everyone expect? That Geoff Hoon bloke got it right. 'Ee said the war was going accordin' to plan. Which means they obviously intended to bomb the bastards!

If you ask me there's too much farting around anyhow from those big army puffs. We mustn't hit 'ospitals. Watch out for the schools. For fuck's sake! Drop a nuclear bomb on the twats and teach 'em a lesson they won't forget! It's the only way to deal with these towel heads. You've got t' show 'em who's boss! If y' don't kill 'em off now the rest of those Arab bastards with their 'Praise be to Allah's and their 'Death to Democracy's will start gettin' the wrong idea. Next thing y' know the price of petrol will be through the roof and then where will me plumbing business be? I can't get to work if me bastard van won't fuckin' start, can I? Nah...fuck the lot of 'em! They're all vermin!

These bastard sand wogs have been scrounging off Britain for too long anyhow. Half me bloody wages go on tax for these fuckin' refugees. Well...they would if I paid any tax. But principles are bleedin' principles so they can all fuck off back to their shitty deserts and be fucking grateful we're liberating 'em.

And as for these holier-than-thou gay fuckin' students goin' on about stopping the war! What would 'ave happened if we hadn't stood up to Hitler, eh? Where would their 'Freedom of Speech' be now? It's all very well saying that 'Freedom of Speech' is the inalienable right of a democratic country, but when they start talkin' shit somebody ought to tell 'em to shut the fuck up!

Fuckin' wog lovers! Y' can't do a bleedin' thing right for 'em, can y'?

Editor's note: We have been informed that the 'Bloke in the Pub' is less than six months away from total liver failure. So there might be hope for mankind yet.


We'll meet again "thud"
Don't know where, don't know when "Boom!"
But I know we'll meet again "BANG!"

We apologise for the loss of Iraqi television. Normal propaganda will be resumed as soon as we've dug out the spare mast.

More from the source.

Editor's note: Sedgers...what are we looking at here? All I can see are red crosses on white backgrounds. Legitimate American Bombing targets perhaps?

"The Red Cross is not allowed in until we have removed all damning evidence it is safe. So normal images of sweetness and light have been restored." - General Tommy Frankly I Don't Give a Damn.

Up to 500 Iraqis killed in clash: official

Posted: Wed, 26 Mar 2003 10:14 AEDT
A US armoured force is reported to have killed between 150 and 500 Iraqis in an engagement east of the Iraqi city of Najaf, a Pentagon official says.

"We could have made a wilder guess and said the number was between 1 and 500,000, but the Secretary of Defense is of a mind to reserve that sort of estimate spread for when we get closer to Baghdad", the official said before falling on the floor in hysterical laughter. He was later escorted to Guantanamo Bay to join a growing number (believed to be somewhere between 1 and 500,000) of pre-op lethal injection detainees Administration personnel granted rest and recreation leave.

Elements of the US Army's 7th Cavalry Regiment engaged the Iraqis after coming under rocket-propelled grenade fire that damaged some US equipment.

There were no immediate reports of US casualties, the official, who asked not to be identified, said.

Citing the Geneva Convention 5th. Amendment Major William Joyce the official said, "That's for me to make it up as I go along know and you to find out, but only on a strictly you don't needs to know basis."

"There are reports we have killed quite a few," the official said. "Some reports say 200 to 300, some reports say 150 and some reports say 300 to 500."

The official further elaborated, "Some say 'tomayto' some say 'tomarto', some say 'potayto' some say 'potarto". I say lets turn anyone who waves a freakin' white flag in anger into a vegetable ."

He says the clash was with "dismounted forces" but it was unclear whether they were regular army or irregulars such as the Fedayeen Saddam.

"They fired first," the official said. "We were engaged."

"It's the start of a perfect shotgun wedding", the official added and was then immediately shot for an insubordinate attempt at humour. The official joins the ROTW Editor who was dealt with likewise for a similar offence in the posting below.

"The first casualty of the war has been truth: journalists hamstrung by the military, correspondents prevented from visiting the frontline, rumours circulating without confirmation. Phillip Knightley looks at the battle for information." His worthy article HERE

Basra's proving a bastard tonight. After a popular uprising during the afternoon (I wonder what an 'unpopular' uprising is...the bloke out of the Krankies with a hard on perhaps) Ba'athist soldiers opened fire on Iraqi civilians. (Letting off steam...Ba'aths.) In retaliation coalition troops dropped a 2,000 pound bomb on the Ba'ath headquarters (bit cheapskate if you ask me...must be more government cut-backs...most bombs cost far more than that) and reduced their vehicles to rubble...thus making them foot Ba'aths. (Editor's note: Any more of that and I'm fired.)

Public opinion throughout the Middle East is becoming fiercer as anti-war protesters burn Star Spangled banners and Union Jacks. (No Australian flags you'll notice. Probably difficult to get hold of at short notice.) An emergency meeting of the Arab Nations was held today but unfortunately Jordan refused to attend. In a statement she said that she was on tour and couldn't possibly let down her fans. (Editor's note: That's the second time I've made this crap joke in a week. This is my final warning.)

President Bush and Emperor Blair are set to meet in a few days time for a council of war in the honeymoon suite at Extremely Camp David. The conference room was specially designed by Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen with bear skin rugs and leopard skin wall hangings. Spanish plonk (French champagne is currently off the menu) has been laid on and a bouncing baby Prime President Blush is expected by Easter. Exactly who the father is it's not yet known although the serious money is riding on Donald Rumsfeld.

The push towards Baghdad continues tonight in the middle of ferocious sandstorms. John Prescott has apologised and returned to Blighty until such times as he can control his intake of sprouts. Jim Davidson, the hilarious Cockney shit, has been called in to boost British moral. This will be achieved tomorrow morning when he will be fed to the starving Iraqis.

In the meantime AIDS has started to arrive in Umm Bah Bah. Said a spokesman for the Iraqi Dock Workers Association, "The people of Qasr and Basra are in desperate need of sustenance. They haven't eaten for days and many are dying of malnutrition. However you can take these Tyne Brand pies back home with you 'cos they're not fucking stupid." The trial continues.

Tuesday, March 25, 2003

Brits under heavy fire


"British troops faced heavy mortar fire outside Basra amid fierce resistance from loyalist Iraqi troops and irregular militias yesterday.

Securing Basra and the nearby port Umm Qasr is imperative for getting humanitarian aid into Iraq.

A British military spokeswoman last night said coalition forces had still not secured Umm Qasr because of fierce Iraqi resistance.

US Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said four days ago that US forces had won control of the town.

"Umm Qasr is not yet secured. There are still people running around shooting at anything and everything," the spokeswoman said."

Today Donald reiterated that Umm Qsar was under control. "What that dumb limey broad doesn't understand is that the people running around shooting at anything and everything are our guys. To avoid further confused misreporting we have arranged for the dame in question to undertake a refresher course in "Embedding 101" at our re-education facility at Guantanamo Bay."

I post this English to American Dictionary link in the hope of greater understanding between the warring British and American factions.
On a more serious note:- Great newspaper corrections of our time:

According to an editorial in The Canberra Times this week, the Prime Minister described Pauline Hanson's supporters as 'average astray aliens'. Only one problem -- he never said it.

(FYI "One Nation" is a right wing, racist grab bag of assorted loonies which makes the correction quite unnecessary.)

The explanation is best left to the following correction that appeared in yesterday's edition. 'Most One Nation supporters are 'average Australians', not 'average astray aliens', as the editorial on Tuesday quoted the PM as saying. The error began with voice-recognition technology, and was missed by the authors and sub-editors.'

Written in a Top Secret Bunker somewhere in Washington Baghdad!

Day One of de Father of all Conflicts! Waiting for Gas Board to plumb top secret bunker. They're four hours late! Have to eat uncooked baked beans. Forgot fish food. Benjamin, my halibut, looking pale and wan. Lots of noise from outside. Some sort of party going on by the sounds of it. Allah be understanding big and threatening against my enemies!

Day Two of de Sister of all Dead Legs. Man from Gas Board finally turned up. Oven now working. Gas Man shot. Benjamin looking withdrawn around cheeks. Allah be munificent bugger de evil George Mini Bush up de bottom!

Day Three of de Uncle of all Skirmishes. Minister of Disinformation's birthday. Surprise party planned. Have broken Geneva Convention by making POWs bake him ricin cake. His present wrapped up in cellar. Apache helicopter! Not enough brown paper to cover rotor blades though. Hope he doesn't work out what it is or I'll have to shoot him. Allah be adored twat Tony Iota Blair in de face!

Day Four of de Nephew of all Pillow Fights. War going to plan, except for de bit where de crayon smudged. Have trapped coalition troops inside Nobel Mother-in-law Iraq. Will close gates tomorrow and turn off lights. Knew dat Tiny Bush would have forgotten Vietnam tactics. Draft dodging cross-eyed idiot. Candles running low. Visit Kwiki-Mart tomorrow to buy some more. Also must trim moustache. It's getting covered in Cup-a-soup. Allah be merciful a right royal bastard against de enemies of Islam!

Day Five of de Cousin of all Fuck Ups. Blue pencil snapped. Having to use charcoaled remains of Minister for Coloured Pencils. Had tummy cramps last night. Doctor reckons its wind brought on by stress. Doctor now being used as missing leg from War Cabinet. Don't know what Minister for Kurdish Containment is putting in dese burgers but it tastes like salted pork. Baghdad surrounded by Coalition Troops. No phonecall from Jacques today. Lines must be damaged. Supplies of garlic running low. Allah be beneficiant Russian!

Day Six of de Grand Mother of all Wars. Hate to admit dis but Little Orangutan Bush was right. Have been 'Shocked' at de stupidity of coalition troops and 'Completely Awed' by their desire to destroy each other. Allah be praised mighty and smite our foes with a very large stick! Am thinking of recalling Republican Guard. Just let de silly Allied bastards kill each other. At dis rate there won't be any need to wheel out anthrax bombs. Sad news! Benjamin died of starvation. Good news! Haddock for supper. Allah be exalted send us batter and a chip pan!


Oh, didn't we have a lovely time,
The day we went to Basra?
Five hundred dead, shot through the head,
And still there's resistence all around.
And on the way back, through Southern Iraq,
The bandits jumped the convoys.
Seventy billion dollars so far,
And no illegal weapons found.

“We don’t do body counts”

General Tommy Franks, US Central Command

An unidentified Iraqi man holds an unidentified girl wounded after
U.S.-led coalition air strikes over the southern Iraqi city of Basra,
Saturday March 22, 2003. (AP Photo/Nabil)

Dubbya taught Tommy Franks everything he knows about plain speaking ...

"I think people will believe what they want to believe and I believe that some people within the country of Iraq and some outside the country will believe that the tape was real and I believe those, there will be others who will want to believe that that tape wasn't real and so I think that, in terms of our ongoing military operations, it doesn't make any difference."

... and in not so unrelated irony ...

British PM's wife to visit Australia

"Cherie Blair, the wife of British Prime Minister Tony Blair, is to visit Australia next month to lecture on human rights."

Lecture your silly twisted (apologies, Sister) prat of a spouse first thank you very much!

Editor's note: Human Rights in a nut shell...apparently it's fine to shoot people with guns and missiles but never with cameras.

... and further to the Human Rights/Geneva Convention issue ...

"Rumsfeld had better watch his back. For this enthusiastic convert to the cause of legal warfare is, as head of the US Defence Department, responsible for a series of crimes sufficient, were he ever to be tried, to put him away for the rest of his natural life.

His prison camp in Guantanamo Bay, on Cuba, where 641 men are held, breaches no fewer than 15 articles of the third convention. The US Government broke the first of these (article 13) as soon as the prisoners arrived, by displaying them, just as the Iraqis have done, on television. In this case, however, they were not encouraged to address the cameras. They were kneeling on the ground, hands tied behind their backs, wearing blacked-out goggles and earmuffs. In breach of article 18, they had been stripped of their own clothes and deprived of their possessions. They were then interned in a penitentiary (against article 22), where they were denied proper mess facilities (26), canteens (28), religious premises (34), opportunities for physical exercise (38), access to the text of the convention (41), freedom to write to their families (70 and 71) and parcels of food and books (72)".

"Iraqi attacks on allied soldiers came in a series of ruses, officials said. In one case, a group of Iraqis waved a white flag, then opened an artillery barrage; in another, Iraqi forces pretended to welcome coalition forces, then mounted an ambush."

Iraqi soldiers have also been fooling Coalition forces
into believing that their Kalashnikovs are telescopes.

That Davina McCall's a right old dog. I'd still give 'er one though but I don't reckon much to 'er tits. Right pair of spaniel's ears they are. I'd have to be drunk and all. My mate Darren's got a video of 'er having a fuck with that Saddam Hussein bloke. No...straight up! Least it looks like him...big moustache and fuckin' gay berret on his head. He needs his face fucking does that Saddam bloke. I say "Good on yer Bush, mate!" Somebody's got to stand up to these bastards otherwise where would we be? Mind you he had a big cock on him. He needed it too. That McCall's fanny looked a cow's twat after giving birth, the dirty old bitch.

Just got a letter from my great great umptytwoth cousin Peggy Farcus. She stumbled across Colon Powell when she was looking for her chamberpot under her bed full of randy Frog POWs. She managed to get a few words out of him before he found himself at the pointy end of an urgent golden shower. If I have deciphered her writing accurately it translates something like ...


Well I won't, as long as nobody mentions the fact that the snotty nosed, former dirty arms dealer knight in shiny armour formerly known as Oliver North is reporting in Iraq for Fox News. I know Rupert is a dirty little digger, but he's really excelled himself this time.


"Whoa. On behalf of our producers Kathleen Glynn and Michael Donovan from Canada, I'd like to thank the Academy for this. I have invited my fellow documentary nominees on the stage with us, and we would like to — they're here in solidarity with me because we like nonfiction. We like nonfiction and we live in fictitious times. We live in the time where we have fictitious election results that elects a fictitious president. We live in a time where we have a man sending us to war for fictitious reasons. Whether it's the fictition of duct tape or fictition of orange alerts we are against this war, Mr. Bush. Shame on you, Mr. Bush, shame on you. And any time you got the Pope and the Dixie Chicks against you, your time is up. Thank you very much."

Delivered to the resounding boos and jeers from the many in the audience who had learnt their lines well. I want names, I want addresses, I want to boycott their films.

ADF asks media not to show images of POWs

"The Defence Force (ADF) has asked Australian media organisations to obscure the faces of allied and Iraqi prisoners of war (POWs).

An ADF spokesman says under the Geneva Convention, all POWs must be protected against acts including intimidation and public curiosity.

Defence has asked for any images of prisoners of war to be "pixilated" to protect their identity."

Pixelation is not good enough! I demand that the Court Artists employed by newspapers to do sketches of the accused be given this task. Nobody would be able to recognise any prisoners from those "portraits".

I do notice that, despite their crocodile tears, (and the croc clock is ticking Smee) the Amerkins still continue to parade and humiliate the Brits they have captured.

Monday, March 24, 2003


Basra airport secured: Blair

British Prime Minister Tony Blair has told the House of Commons the international airport in the strategic southern Iraqi city of Basra has been "made secure".

However it it believed that it will be another 3 weeks before the same can be said for Heath Row.

New assault on Nasiriya

US forces have reportedly launched a fresh assault on the key southern Iraqi city of Nasiriya. A senior US military spokesman says the attack has begun with a heavy bombardment, after a column of Abrams tanks and two columns of amphibious assault vehicles were deployed around the city.

The two columns of assault vehicles were officially redesignated as amphibious after they ended up in the Euphrates river after being shot down by an Australian Patriot Boomerang in the 519th incident of "just good cobbers fire".

Putin promises to examine Iraq sales claims

US President George W Bush has told Russian President Vladimir Putin by telephone of concerns about sales by Russian firms of "prohibited" military equipment to Iraq.

After representations from Senator Charlton Heston, President Bush informed President Putin that the WMD Free Trade agreement has not yet been signed and that until such time as it was the American Arms Manufacturers had sole rights to supply military equipment to Iraq.

Arab League ministers draft anti-war resolution

Arab foreign ministers have discussed a strongly-worded draft resolution opposing the invasion of Iraq and calling for an immediate withdrawal of US and British forces.

Spokestowelhead Sheik Ra Tellen Rol said that the Arab foreign ministers were happy to allow the Australian presence in to remain. "We have spoken to their commanding officer, Bruce of Arabia and the two other soldiers comprising the Australian army and have granted them refugee status. They feared that if they were returned to Australia they would be paraded as "show heroes" by the member for "Butcher of Bennelong", John Howard."

Turkey set to ignore US warnings on troop deployment

The special US envoy for Iraq has ended a day of talks with Turkish leaders in Ankara with no sign of Turkey backing away from its plan to send troops into Kurdish-controlled northern Iraq.

Turkey shoot coming up.

Saddam in 'full control' of Iraq: Aziz

Deputy Prime Minister Tariq Aziz says President Saddam Hussein is in "full control" of Iraq. Mr Aziz says the Iraqi leadership is "in good shape" and Saddam is "in full control of the army and the country".

Whitehouse Spokesgoebbels Heidi Fleischer counter attacked with a sharply worded statement. "George and the entire US Adminstration are fully in control of their minds. The President himself assured me, but moments ago, that there were 4378 spots on the wall ... and counting. Tom Ridge will be issuing the next terrorist alert as soon as his wife has finished with the paint swatches and decided on a color. Secretary Donald Himmlersfield continues to have confidence in his own convictions and will convict anybody else who disagrees. Colin Powell remains upbeat about events and expects he will become visible again in a few weeks. The Department of Homeland Security has confiscated the "Acme Invisibility Tablets" that were given away with the latest issue of "Military Super Heroes" comics.

Missile shot down over Kuwait

American and Kuwaiti officials say a US Patriot battery has shot down an incoming Iraqi missile fired into Kuwait.

General Tommy Frankenearnest has immediately apologised to the Iraqi field commander. "Unfortunately such incidents will happen when opposing forces don't follow rules of engagement. British Air Command has deviously resorted to disguising their Tornado aircraft as Iraqi missiles in an attempt to evade our Patriot missiles. Be assured this won't happen again. You can lead a horse to water but a one eyed man can't thread a camel through the eye of a noodle in the kingdom of the blind."


Military officials admit they vastly underestimated the strength of Iraqi resistance and the loyalty of Basra's population to Saddam's regime.

"We're currently taking stock of the situation," Captain Patrick Trueman said.

"We were expecting a lot of hands up from Iraqi soldiers and for the humanitarian operation in Basra to begin fairly quickly behind us, with aid organisations providing food and water to the locals.

"But it hasn't quite worked out that way.

"We always had the idea that everyone in this area hated Saddam. Clearly, there are a number who don't."

No, Patrick me boy, they just hate Dubbya and the idea of an army of occupation more.

Here endeth the lesson.

ITN reporter, Terry Lloyd, is now confirmed as having been killed by friendly fire. According to the only member of his film crew to survive they had been passing a group of Iraqi civilians at the time. The civilians flagged the car down, apparently wishing to surrender, when coalition forces opened fire from the opposite direction. This can only imply one of two things: Either the coalition forces deliberately fired on the reporter with the intention of wiping him from the face of earth (an objective they managed to achieve apparently) or they were attempting to kill innocent civilians in the process of surrendering. Which brings me onto the next subject. What happened to the Sunday Telegraph yesterday? Michelle swears blind she saw a copy on some news programme running a photograph on its cover of allied troops standing over a ditch containing two dead Iraqis. The headlines failed to mention the white flag attached to a stick clearly seen in the Iraqi's hands. I tried in vain to get hold of the Sunday Telegraph yesterday but there wasn't a single one to be found in Fleetwood. Now...I know that Fleetwood isn't exactly a Mecca for literary types...but not one single copy? Was it withdrawn from the market? Would anybody with any information about this please let me know? I hate being in the dark about such things.

Some handy hints for people serving in Iraq

1) Anybody flying a helicopter in the region of the gulf...find yourself a different job and very quickly.

2) Journalists who might have noticed any of the coalition commanders looking at you in an angry manner...find yourself a different job and very quickly.

3) Hospital workers in Baghdad...find yourself a different job very quickly.

4) Coalition forces organisers...for fuck's sake find yourselves a different job and very quickly. We'd be better off with a bag full of jelly babies in charge of the invasion!

Uncle Brian...realising the inevitable fuck up occurring in Iraq was about the only thing that was seen coming from a mile off.

Day four...or is it five? I'm not sure day of smashed expectations and collateral balls-ups seems much like any other. Whatever the case the entire war effort appears to have turned into some sort of badly scripted Carry On film. (Not that that's unusual in itself...all of the Carry On films were badly scripted...with the possible exception of Carry On Screaming which I quite enjoyed...if only because Harry H Corbett was in it.)

George Bush's initial promise of a "...precise, surgical action that'll last a maximum of four days..." has been almost one hundred per cent accurate so far, apart from one tiny detail. It was total bullshit. As of now the war is growing increasingly slower...bogged down by major resistance from the oh-so-happy-to-see-the-coalition-troops Iraqis...the allied casualties are rising, the hostilities are getting thicker and the several soldiers have reported roses blooming in the desert from the vast amounts of bullshit that's been hurtled around.

Saddam Hussein, previously missing presumed dead (or at least short of several limbs and coughing rather badly with a plaster on his nose) has been on Iraqi television this morning. Iraqi television was previously also believed dead. The B52s must have bombed a 'dud' mast. This time there was no question about Saddam's authenticity as he referred to recent events (the unexpected fighting around Umm Qasr, the coalition push towards Baghdad). Officials in Washington are still unconvinced, however, and have accused Saddam of playing silly games by pretending to have been killed. "We weren't fooled for a moment," said a spokesman. "It's how we meant things to happen all along just to prove what an evil and childish man Saddam is."

Elsewhere American forces have allegedly uncovered a chemical weapons factory south of Baghdad, begging the question, 'Why did Saddam leave it in the middle of nowhere where he wouldn't be able to use the weapons, even as a last resort?' A suspicious truck with the words 'Prescott's Pies' written down one side was last seen leaving the Powdered Baby Milk factory and heading off towards O.J. Simpson's house.

Meanwhile the White House has changed its mind about broadcasting images of American POWs. After a quick debriefing, during which several pairs of boxers were shredded beyond recognition, propaganda experts convinced Dubya that the pictures would outrage public opinion into a more pro-war stance. The images have been condemned as 'flagrant violation of the Geneva Convention' despite the fact that Western television has been showing images of captured Iraqis all week. 'Captured Iraqis' that the Iraqi regime now claim were civilians being kidnapped and used as extras in the much depleted Oscars ceremony.

Humanitarian aid is still unable to get through to much needed areas...such as the whole of the country. God alone knows what the death toll from this is. The Washington Administration blames the delay on 'those selfish Iraqi bastards who continue to fight our brave soldiers...showing what unsporting and despotic monsters they are'.

An Apache helicopter was forced to make a landing in Iraq this morning. It was immediately seized by evil local civilians and broadcast on Iraqi television. The helicopter was carrying two cruise missiles. "Proof if proof be needed," commented Donald Rumsfeld from the toilet following a heavy breakfast of sausage and beans, "That Iraq does have weapons of mass destruction...well, at least they do now."

Reports are just coming in that two angels have collided over the Heaven and fierce fighting has broken out around the Elysian Fields. Meanwhile Lord God Bush and his offspring Jesus Harold Blair (still carrying his 'Moral Cross of Public Opinion') have marched on the celestial city to claim their rightful thrones. Church leaders around the world have condemned this rumour as "spurious shite".

This is Terry Lloyd, ITN, at what's left of the Pearly Gates.


The Bush administration is having a screaming blue fit about war crimes and violations of human rights and the Geneva convention over Iraq "interviewing" five captured US troops on TV. I have only two words to say about this.


Deputy Editor sticks his beak in ...

Surely a picture of the prisoners on their way to the Guantanamo Bay Hilton is worth more than a couple of words.

(The picture seems to show a prisoner with ear muffs being questioned by a soldier with ear muffs. Mmmm ... if a prisoner confesses in the forest and his interrogator can't hear him, does he spill the beans?)
Think Setev has been visiting us again. Just follow the trail of bread crumbs here and here and here.

TV Holds Off on Airing Captured Soldiers

NEW YORK (AP) -"U.S. television networks were weighing Sunday whether to air video footage, shown elsewhere in the world, of what appeared to be American prisoners of war in Iraq.

The images were picked up from Iraqi television by the Arab satellite station Al-Jazeera.

Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld said the Geneva Conventions make it illegal for prisoners to be pictured."

USA TV Networks were warned by Donny Bumstead that they would be breaking the Geneva Convention (apparently one of the very few International protocols that the US has deigned to sign up to) by showing the pictures ... lo and behold, they aren't showing what we in Oz can see. It would be cynical of me to suggest that Donny doesn't want the images broadcast because it shows his armed forces aren't invincible and everything isn't going as swimmingly as he wants the American nation to believe ... so I will.

Damned Iraqis, they just don't know about the niceties of war ... "the proper rules of combat". We don't mind you carving up one of our chaps into a zillion pieces with a well mannered bazooka. That's within "the proper rules of combat" and will be of great comfort to grieving relatives and friends. Just don't show pictures of prisoners. That is truly despicable! Bet those damn heathens have never played cricket. I rest my case.

Remember the Alamo. Remember Vietnam.

Remember the infinite capacity
of American Presidents to fuck up.

And now a few allegedly Geneva Convention ground breaking pictures of captured/surrendered Iraqi soldiers. (Call me conspiratorial if you must, but there were a lot more 'up close and personal' photos of Iraqi prisoners on News sites a few days ago that now seem to have fallen off the edge of Washington directives the World.)

and from Iraq Part 1 ..."Desert Storm".

I dont want to tell Major-General Grandmothers how to suck eggs ... BUT ... the sooner they drag Tom Hanks and Mel Gibson away from the Oscars and get them on the ground in Iraqistan, the sooner this will be all over.

Winners, keep your acceptance speeches short! American World domination The peace of the World depends on it.

P.S. Saw on the Teev a bit about 'USAID' and the "rebuilding" of a democratic Iraq. Apart from it seeming to be mooted as a unilateral American project (with contracts no doubt being awarded to the usual coterie of suspects) there were neat little clauses and addenda referring to "banning of abortion" and a "buy American" requirement. Buggered if I can track it online. Maybe I'll just make something up. It couldn't be as bad or as bizarre as the real thing.

P.P.S. Amidst all this kerfuffle in Iraq what does one make of the apparent invisibility of Colon Powell? And people are speculating about Saddam's whereabouts!

Letter to George W Bush from Michael Moore:

"Of the 535 members of Congress, only one (Sen. Johnson of South Dakota) has an enlisted son or daughter in the armed forces! If you really want to stand up for America, please send your twin daughters over to Kuwait right now and let them don their chemical warfare suits. And let's see every member of Congress with a child of military age also sacrifice their kids for this war effort."

Five American prisoners have been 'paraded' on Iraqi television tonight along with shots of what appeared to be a makeshift morgue containing dozens of American corpses. The White House, apparently, was outraged. Well they would sort of contradicts their claims of less than ten coalition casualties, doesn't it? Naturally the footage was banned from all Western nations, thus proving once again that our beloved 'Freedom of Speech' is well worth dying for. George Dubya Bush went on television in defiant mood proclaiming, "Those Iraqi bastards had better treat our boys humanely just like America's been treating its Afghanistan prisoners that fat bloke we caught with connections to Al Quaeda last week the prisoners on death row in Texas (Somebody help me here...I can't end this sentence...)

Meanwhile veteran ITN reporter Terry Lloyd is believed to be dead, killed by yet more 'friendly' fire. It comes to something when coalition troops can't spot the difference between some clapped out Iraqi vehicle and a brand new Nissan, doesn't it? And still the bombing of Baghdad continues and massive resistance is being met at Nasiriyah, Umm Qasr, Basr and various other eager-to-be-liberated places.

But bollocks to that.

We're all getting bored with the war now so it's time for a change of subject.

The slugs are back in my kitchen. They climbed in through a hole in the skirting board and, under cover of darkness, infiltrated my cutlery drawer. Forks covered with slime are extremely unpleasant...especially if you stick one of the bloody things in your mouth without realising. Yesterday I hammered a piece of wood across the opening to keep the slimy Iraqi bastards contained. Tonight, however, I saw an eyeball peering at me through a gap.

This is deliberate humiliation. It's almost Hammer Time again folks!

Which leads me onto this: If any more gung ho American Admirals nick catch-phrases from this Blogger Board to inspire their troops I'll haul their fat, sweaty arses through the courts whether they've signed up to international law or not. It doesn't even make sense in relation to the so called 'Operation Freedom' invent your own stupid clich├ęs you ignorant, humourless pillocks!

Sunday, March 23, 2003

Rumsfeld says Iraq ready to use banned weapons

Posted: Mon, 24 Mar 2003 6:05 AEDT

"Iraqi military commanders appear to have received discretion to use chemical and biological weapons but US troops have not yet found any such weapons, US Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld says.

Mr Rumsfeld told CBS television's Face the Nation program it was unclear whether any Iraqi commanders were planning to use weapons of mass destruction. They would be "hunted down for the rest of their lives" if they did, he said."

It is believed that Donny received this information from his invisible special friend, Neville the talking egg cup.

Woman dies watching war on TV


A 55-year-old Bangladeshi woman died of a heart attack while watching television footage of the US-led war in Iraq, a newspaper reported.

Rani Bala was watching the live bombings of Baghdad when she suddenly screamed and collapsed in her home Friday in remote Paschim Pathangar village in south-eastern Feni district, the Daily Sangbad newspaper said.

Grenade attack a 'fragging'?

By staff writers 23mar03

The grenade attack that injured 13 members of the 101st Airborne in Iraq today may have been carried out by a US soldier, according to reports.

Reports from journalists "embedded" with the renowned division indicate a US soldier is in custody, CNN reported.

Several 'fraggings' - as internal attacks are called in the military - occurred in the US forces during the Vietnam war.

Australia demolishes India

March 24 2003 Johannesburg

Mission complete - just.

A blow-out nearly became a wash-out.

But in a drama-charged battle, Australia was almost denied by wet weather.

India's passionate mob of supporters literally danced in the rain on the hill, all of them delirious. But the skies cleared, fighting resumed at 3.59pm in brilliant sunshine and Australia completed a deserved and dominant triumph.

The Australians draped the national flag over their shoulders for the victory presentation. Reservist Jimmy Maher carried an inflatable kangaroo. Colonel Michael Bevan recorded it all on video. Private Glenn McGrath took photographs.

Pentagon: 10 U.S. soldiers killed or captured.


Iraqi military forces have captured or killed a group of fewer than 10 U.S. soldiers from an Army maintenance unit, Pentagon officials said Sunday.

Total number of coalition deaths, 23 -- 14 Britons and nine Americans. In addition to the death in a grenade attack in Kuwait, two have died in combat, and the rest were killed in accidents.

Fed up with the dreadful coffee at the United Nations, Donald Rumsfeld decides to have a diplomatic word with the vendor.

After fierce fighting around Umm Qasr for the last three days Coalition Commanders have reached the conclusion that Saddam must have split his Republican Guard and stationed some of them in the town. Er...are you seriously telling me that all those bods in the War Office hadn't considered this possibility before? I mean, seriously, we're talking about Saddam here...the master of propaganda. Like he'd really want two thirds of his troops to surrender without a fight in the first few hours. Those chaps in the Pentagon are really on the ball, eh?

Reaching the decision that the prolonged fighting wasn't doing much good for their own propaganda Allied aircraft took the remaining one hundred or so Iraqis out with bombs. "We're in the middle of nowhere here," said Colonel Seigfried Weathercock. "The news transmissions aren't going out live and can be edited by our 'Ministry of Truth' personnel, so it doesn't really matter if we kill a few civilians in the process. Nobody back home will ever find out and, after all, they're only rag-heads and we mustn't forget that."

Meanwhile reports are coming in of friendly fire...or as the military term is 'Blue on Blue'. An RAF fighter plane (possibly a Tornado) has been shot down by a Patriot missile. "This is inconceivable," commented an army officer. "In the last Gulf war the Patriot missiles failed to hit a single Scud. We've actually got one of the bastards to work!"

Not content with killing British troops (everybody's got to have a hobby) an American soldier was arrested today after rolling a hand-grenade into a tent and blowing up seven of his colleagues. One man is dead and the rest are seriously injured. Apparently the soldier responsible 'had a grudge.' "Pity," said Major General Tommy Franks. "If this is what he's capable of with his fellow soldiers, just imagine what he'd have done with Iraqi civilians." Not so much a blue on blue as a red-white-and-blue on a red-white-and-blue.

More murder and mayhem after breakfast folks.

Be-beep ... be-beep ... dit-dah ... dit-dah ...

Peggy Farcus reporting in from Iraqistanbul to the Australian nation. I am pleased to report that with the help of Colonel Mainwaring, Privates Pike and Godfrey I was able to repel the advance by the French army. How dare these Gallic batardes think that my pretty head will be turned by gifts of cheap eau de colon and mouldy truffles!

All of the ugly frogs that were captured have been humanely put down. Some of the more attractive garcons (like Pierre de Boudain pictured right) have been taken into custody at a secret location in my boudoir.

That little hiccough behind me, I can now report some of the events that because of the stringent censorship of the American Ministry of Truth you will not see or hear in the spoonfed and complicit official media.

The Iraqi regime has struck back at the American leaflet drop with its own propaganda campaign. Millions of coupons have been dropped offering a 25% discount on a personal topless massage from Saddam's sister (see left) for the U.S. troops who have been stationed in Kuwait for many months without so much as a fleeting glance of Ulrike Johnsson's knickers. Director of Military Brain Washing Psychological Welfare, Major Billy-Joe-Bob Svengali said that he was confident that "this crass and unsophisticated campaign would spill onto barren ground as most Amerkin males were trained from early adolescence not be attracted to any female form that was not pneumatically enhanced or pubicly smooth. I mean to say, just look at those Goddam pathetic norks, I've seen bigger tits in Bill Oddie's book 'Twitching for Fun, Profit and a Higher Consciousness'."

Much codswallop has been hitting the airwaves and the tabloids as to whether the appearance on Iroquois TV by Saddam Hussein was actually him or a body double. Let me put that baby to bed. It was Saddam. The person in the photo on the right is Saddam's official body double Mohammed al Denti. He is best known in the West for his bit part in "Who Declared a Jihad on Roger Rabbit?" and who was for some time Iraqi's highest unpaid game show host.

As it would put their lives in peril I am unable to disclose my sources for this information. Suffice to say their credentials are impeccable and I shall refer to them by the fictional names of "Julian", "George", "Dick", "Anne" and "Timmy". In addition to those five, I am in constant contact with an Iraqi secret scientific research and development insider whom I shall refer to as "Uncle Quentin".

The leaders of the nations comprising the Coalition of the Ready, Willing and Morally Disabled have made a secret flying visit to the theatre of war. (See picture left.) Their flight was not without incident. Both Airforce One in which the President travelled and the Tiger Moth transporting Joint Vice Presidents Blair and Howard came under heavy artillery fire. Clever evasive action by pilot Hank Poindexter averted a blessing in disguise tragedy. Hank was heard to remark, "I don't mind it when our guys blow away a few limey aircraft, dammit they're the only planes they seem to have manage to shoot down so far, but hanging a bull's eye on the Boss's dirigible is another kettle of crawdads. Once our boys get their eye in those Iraqi dudes are in for a freakin' mother of all pastings."

I can further report the disturbing news that already there is a rift developing between the three members of the Axis of Sweetness and Light. Apparently Prime Minister Blair would not share Fatima the camel with his mates. Blair was heard to taunt his fellow travellers, "This is a dromedary camel, it has only one hump and that's me!"

After weeks of heated debate the Australian Parliament has finally approved the commissioning of the much feared Koala Sniper Regiment. These highly trained suicide marsupials are charged with the task of "neutralising" Saddam's elite Presidential Guards. Unfortunately one of these koalas is believed to have "gone native" and is understood to have been responsible for the grenade attack at an American tented command centre in Kuwait. One of the members of the regiment said "we aren't really all that surprised. Blinky Bill was a bit of a nutter and a heavy eucalyptus user, though I have say that his heart was in the right place and he never piked out when it was his turn to buy a round. Shit happens."

On a positive note the morale of British troops has been lifted skyward ... that bit over there filled with smoke, flames and collaterally damaged British aircraft ... with the arrival of Jennifer and Clarissa.

"I read in the papers that our boys were wasting away to nothing on army rations so Jennifer (who, at great expense to the lawyers who had just finalised probate on her estate, turned in her grave, dusted herself off and started all over again to make this trip) and I thought it was time for all true Brits to stand up and be counted. I remember being able to stand up without having to hold onto the bar stool, and bugger it I can do it again. Anyhow Jennifer and I have scoured the countryside buying up the food our lads need."

Drowning out the relentless sound of incoming friendly fire, cheers and hurrahs rose out of the British compound as Jennifer and Clarissa rode up on their motorbike laden with spotted dicks, yorkshire puddings, chip butties, black puddings and toads in the hole.

Be-beep ... be-beep ... dit-dah ... dit-dah ... over and out until the next report.

Pierre ... here I come ... you lovely little yummy creme caramel ...

After American officials spent most of the afternoon bragging about the precision of their missiles and how the infrastructure of Baghdad has been deliberately left intact so as not to affect the civilian population, most of Baghdad is in darkness tonight, huge swathes of the city having lost power. "This is absolutely disgusting," complained reporters. "How are we supposed to get clear shots of the bombing raids if we can't fucking see them?"

Pentagon officials have spent considerable time over the last few months explaining to cynics how the Iraqi people want to be freed from oppression. The taking of Umm Qasr and the city of Basr, however, has proved to be considerably more difficult than first expected. Apparently large numbers of Iraqi fighters refuse to be liberated.

For several months now one of the main thrusts of the argument for war has been the insistance that the Iraq War will bring about an end to terrorism. As the push into Iraq continued this afternoon, realising they were overwhelmed Iraqi soldiers changed into civilian clothes and disappeared into the crowds. These none-liberated-and-quite-frankly-pissed-off-with-the-allied-invasion Iraqis are now free to form terrorist sleeper cells anywhere within the country and eventually, when the fighting is over, leave Iraq for Britain, America and Australia to cause untold chaos.

Well done.