Friday, December 19, 2003

More Bull's Gonads

Ian Huntley's mother told the Sun newspaper this morning that her son "...ought t' bleedin' hang for the monstrous crimes what he committed!"
And suddenly the reasons for Huntley ending up the way he did become apparent.
In a deliberately contentious poll last night 94% of Channel Five News viewers (all six of them) wanted a return of the death penalty for child molesters...which says more about Channel Five viewers than it does about the true state of affairs within the justice system.
One person on the new death row, of course, would be Michael Jackson who, whilst facing several accounts of child molestation, has been allowed to visit Britain this week. Still riding the Soham gravy train the British media are currently whipping the public into a Christmas lynching frenzy. All notions of 'innocent until proven guilty' have conveniently vanished along with 'human rights' and 'access to Belmarsh for lawyers.'
The cancer-stricken child at the centre of the Jackson allegations has, apparently, found himself on the receiving end of no less than seven 'celebrity paedophile' cases in the past.
"I've made a few bad choices in celebrity holiday destinations...for which, of course, we've been financially compensated," said the boy's mother. "But this Christmas I'm sending him round to Gary Glitter's house to make sure he's out of harm's way."

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

Pre-Christmas Bollocks

Tonight I'm bogged off by several items.
Firstly there's that advert on the telly sponsored by the Anti-Smoking Hitler Youth. The one with all those kids breathing out smoke accompanied by the words, "If you smoke then I smoke too." That's not on! Have you seen the price of fags these days? The little bastards can buy their own! It costs me an arm, a leg and one lung in taxes to give those little twats a pointless education as it is, just so they can leave school and embark on a life of mindless crime and shit, manufactured pop music. If they want to smoke they can get themselves a job or dowse themselves with petrol or something.
Secondly, what gives with all this crap about the government having to build loads more runways in Britain? The thought of John Prescott pushing a wheelbarrow of tarmac across an airfield with his arsecrack on display is bad enough...but I was under the impression that nobody flew anywhere any more. For the last two years, since that twin eyesore in New York was demolished, the news programmes have constantly been harping on about airlines going bankrupt. So how come suddenly there aren't enough runways to support the traffic? Is this just the government diverting our attention away from something more important? Such as the rising body count in Iraq.
Speaking of which...thirdly...the Americans now want to try a head of state for murdering half a million innocent Iraqis...presumably because they can't try him for harbouring weapons of mass destruction. Well, I'm all for it! Let's publicly execute Bush seeing as he's killed fifty-odd thousand innocent Iraqis on a false premise himself. Well...I say fifty-odd thousand...that was the last estimate and it's currently rising. We don't keep track of how many Iraqis are now dead...only American and British occupying forces have any relevance in the real world.
And finally...I've got the stinking flu again for Christmas! Every bastard year without fail! I've got snot coming out of every orifice including the letterbox on the front door, and then some. I'm virtually deaf on one side of my head and I ache in places that I didn't know existed this time last week. I blame it all on those dirty, little, cigarette stealing bastards in Iceland who can't be arsed covering their fucking mouths when they cough and sneeze and don't seem to understand the meaning of the words, "Get away from me you snotty faced little shit!"

Monday, December 15, 2003

Joker beats the Ace of Spades

American intelligence agents (insert your own joke here) have finally finished checking Saddam's hair and throat for those elusive weapons of mass destruction and have now moved on to the question of how best to publicly humiliate/kill try him. Saddam was discovered on Saturday morning in an eight foot hole (shouldn't that be in metric figures these days?) beneath a privy in Tekrit, disguised rather stupidly as that other international figure of hate Terence Sedgwick. (Sedgwick himself was discovered last Tuesday hiding in Ann Widdicombe's own eight-foot hole.)
Tired and confused due to the concoction of drugs the American forces pumped into him, Saddam posed briefly for the cameras...defiantly proving what a big fuss about nothing American POWs had made in front of Iraqi cameras a few months ago.
Tony Blair has already distanced Britain from any trial that might involve the death penalty. (Nice one Tony! Pontious Pilot strikes again, eh?)
Said a spokesman for the Whitehouse, "We would have captured him earlier but it took us fifteen days to decide on a name for the operation. At first we thought, "Cobra Strike" but that sounded a bit gay. Eventually we hit upon the title of the little known and really shit film "Red Dawn." It's about a bunch of plucky young American students fighting back against terrorism...although on reflection Steptoe and Son might have been more appropriate."
Since Saddam's capture British news programmes have suspended all other news, preferring instead to repeat the three and a half seconds of his medical footage over and over again.
"Material hasn't been stretched this thin since the last series of Graham Norton," commented Mr Seagull in the Fisherman's Arms tonight. "Although Ann Diamond's knicker elastic has come pretty close at times."
The circus continues although edited highlights will be repeated through Bush's re-election campaign.

"We've got 'im ... By George we think we've got 'im ... errrr ... we think we've got 'im.
Anyway we've got someone with a daggy beard."

Sunday, December 14, 2003

Now, what about that other bloke...Ozzy bin Osbourne or whatever his name was...?

December 2003: Bugger! Obviously the false beard disguise wasn't as cunning as I originally thought.