Saturday, May 03, 2003

Howard worthy of ten-gallon hat: Bush

Australian Prime Minister John Howard has received the highest honour President George W Bush could think of: "You're kind of like a Texan," Bush told Howard.
(Pardon me, but round these parts them's not words of praise, them's fightin' words.)

Mr Bush prides himself on being an early riser, so he was surprised to wake up early on Saturday, look out the window and found Howard up and ready for a stroll.
(George ... the man, if he had any sense, was trying to escape!)

"So I hustled and got dressed, and we went for a good walk," Mr Bush related at his Texas ranch. "And I'll tell you something, the guy - I'm a pretty good athlete. He walks a good clip. I was breathing hard."
(A spot of hustling and heavy breathing is it George? What ever roasts your chestnuts.)

Mr Bush has barred French President Jacques Chirac from his Texas hideaway over France's refusal to go along with attacking Iraq and Russian President Vladimir Putin probably will not be back any time soon for trying to thwart military action.

And Mr Bush has cancelled a trip planned for tomorrow to see war opponent Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien in Ottawa. Instead, he is going to Little Rock, Arkansas, for a speech on the economy.
(Little Rock's loss is Canada's gain.)

But for Australia's decision to support the war with 2,000 troops and aerial bombing raids, Mr Bush gave Mr Howard a ride on Air Force One and a ranch weekend.
(Not to mention a ride on the Roller Coaster of Death, a bag of lollies, a roll in the hay with Laura, a free bumper sticker and free unlimited sphinctorial parking rights for Little Johnny's tongue. Certainly not to mention that by the acceptance of this largesse Little Johnny will forego the free trade demands of Australian primary producers and formally hand over the making of Australian foreign policy to Unka Tom Powell.)

Mr Howard is the latest in an exclusive group of world leaders to have visited Bush's ranch in central Texas, joining fellow war supporters British Prime Minister Tony Blair and Spanish Prime Minister Jose Maria Aznar, as well as Mr Putin, Chinese President Jiang Zemin and Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah.

Mr Bush and Mr Howard looked pretty casual and comfortable at a joint news conference, wearing matching blue blazers and no ties on a warm and humid day before a ranch scene of hay bales and a barn under overcast skies.
(Don't hold me to this until I've checked, but I think the *journalist* has plagiarised this prose from one of Barbara Cartland's romances.)

During the visit Mr Bush showed Mr Howard his favourite spot on the 547-hectare ranch: a limestone canyon with waterfall bubbling forth after a recent rain.


Tour guide

With Mr Bush behind the wheel, the two leaders drove up to the news conference site in the president's white pickup truck, wives Laura and Janette in the back seat.
(Where they swapped recipes and discussed the size of their respective spouse's brains and wedding tackle during a full and frank exchange on the art of bonsai.)

The Crawford ranch is the only place the Secret Service will let Mr Bush drive.
(Like the rest of the World, the SS has little confidence in the "Roadmap" George wants to use.)

Mr Bush and Mr Howard's mutual praise was as thick as the Texas cedar Mr Bush is constantly clearing away around his ranch in order to keep the trees from sucking up all the water from the other hardwoods.
(I'm sure there's an Amerkin Foreign Policy analogy in there somewhere. Shall attempt hunt it down and smoke it out.)

Mr Howard congratulated Bush "on the leadership that you gave to the world, at times under very great criticism, at times fighting very great obstruction. But you had a resolute, clear view of what had to be done."

"I love having him there, I can't tell you what a comfort it is to talk to him on the phone," President Mr Bush said. "He's steady. ... He was steady under fire." Mr Bush regretted only one part of the Mr Howard visit. "The only thing I regret is he didn't go fishing with me yesterday afternoon. He wanted a little rest."
( Yesiree, our Johnny is a dab hand at heavy breathing get your rocks off phone calls. Don't be so piscatorially demanding George, he's already been huntin' and shootin' with you.)

Mr Bush said he would like to visit Australia "as soon as possible." One opportunity might be later this year.
(As soon as George has a look at an atlas to see how far away Austria is.)

Mr Howard's visit was part of a campaign to thank those nations that helped the United States during the Iraqi conflict.
(And show those other kids that didn't come to George's party just what they've missed out on by being sooky la las.)

This midget of a Prime Minister has many, many, many Australians pulling pillows over their heads Kevorkian style to hide their embarrassment. He just can't help himself. His raison d'etre is to be tickled under the chin by those he sees as great and powerful. "I won't sack a flawed Governor General. I will rip the guts out of Medicare. I will plunge Australia into a dishonestly premised war. But George thinks I'm wonderful and shares his play lunch with me, so all you bastards can go get knotted."

Iraq oil ministry posts split between Iraqis, US

"US authorities have announced a new top management team to run the Iraqi Oil Ministry headed by an Iraqi, and an advisory board headed by an American.

The announcement comes in a statement from Tim Cross, a deputy to retired US General Jay Garner, head of the office of construction and humanitarian assistance in post-war Iraq.

Thamir Ghadhban, the ministry's director of planning before the war, has agreed to become chief executive officer of an interim management team.

"After extensive consultations and on the advice of the executive committee of the oil advisory board, we are pleased to announce that Thamir Ghadhban had agreed to accept the position," Mr Cross said.

"We are also pleased to announce the formation of an advisory board for the oil sector with Philip Carroll and Fadhel Othman in the position of chairman and vice-chairman.

"Mr Carroll is a former president and CEO of Shell Oil and former CEO of engineering and construction company Fluor.

"Mr Othman served formerly as the chairman if Iraq's State Oil marketing Organisation and in positions in the Iraqi oil ministry."

Mr Othman left Iraq in the 1980s and has lived in Turkey.

The statement was issued after a meeting between Mr Cross and oil ministry officials."

This war was NEVER about oil. Well, certainly not olive, peanut or baby oil.

From 'The Age' editorial Monday 23 April 2001
A fine choice for Governor-General.
"Australians have come to expect that the role of the governor-general is to act as a sort of moral conscience of the nation. Archbishop Hollingworth is well equipped to perform this vital task."

Fast forward to May 2003 ...
"The Independent Report of the Diocesan Board of Inquiry into the handling of sex abuse cases describes as untenable Dr Hollingworth's decision to allow a priest to remain in the ministry following his admission that he had sexually abused a minor prior to his becoming a priest."
Rewind to last year.
Dr Hollingworth intensified the media storm last year when he responded to claims he allowed a former Rockhampton bishop to officiate, even though he'd confessed to Dr Hollingworth to having sex with a minor. On the ABC's Australian Story, the Governor-General appeared to blame the victim.

Excerpt from Australian Story]
PETER HOLLINGWORTH: "The genesis of it was 40 years ago and it occurred between a young priest and a teenage girl who was under the age of consent. I believe she was more than 14. Um, and I also understand that many years later in adult life, their relationship resumed and it was partly a pastoral relationship and it was partly something more.

My belief is that this was not sex abuse. There was no suggestion of rape or anything like that. Quite the contrary. My information is that it was rather the other way around."

Sorry Archbishop/Governor General, the priest was 27, the girl was 15, it WAS statutory rape. . Even if it weren't statutory rape... which it was ... it was TOTALLY inappropriate. As inappropriate as your weaselly spin on the situation!

"PETER Hollingworth sat on the interview panel that gave a top education job to former headmaster Gilbert Case, knowing he had failed to stop a serial pedophile operating at his school, Mr Case said." MORE.
"A FORMER priest has accused Governor-General Peter Hollingworth of dismissing his claims that he was abused while working in the Brisbane diocese." MORE.
"Elliot (jailed in 2002 after pleading guilty to multiple sexual abuse charges from the 1970s) was allowed to stay on because Hollingworth argued that, as Elliot was now close to retirement, "the disruption and upset that would be caused to the whole parish as well as to him and his family would be in nobody's best interests".

Elliot remained at Dalby until his retirement in 1998, after which Hollingworth permitted him to exercise locum ministries because of his impoverished circumstances.

Hollingworth's refusal to remove Elliot from Dalby parish in 1993 was also motivated by a desire to protect the church from adverse publicity. A "sudden termination" would have caused "unwarranted concern" in the parish and been "very difficult to explain publicly", Hollingworth's lawyers told the inquiry.

His (former) Grace is a bloody disgrace.
You might note that whilst he's given up the frock he still has a penchant for tacky baubles.

And for 'my fellow Australians' (© Gough Whitlam) who might be reading this. Do you also have the feeling that there is welling in the breast of the current G.G. the same hubris and patricianal remoteness displayed by the late unlamented Sir John "Yes I'll have a drink, but just make it a big one" Kerr? Hollingworth seems to be growing into his role as the very, very model of an unmodern Governor General. A role which is (bar for the short, slight breath of life and humanity breathed into it by Bill Deane) anachronistic, ceremonial, undemocratic and rent with pomp and circumstance.

(In his first year as Governor-General, Peter Hollingworth spent $900,000 on travel, more than twice as much as his predecessor, Sir William Deane, did in his last year of office. Dr Hollingworth's bill for cars, VIP aircraft, domestic and international commercial aircraft, and accommodation while away from his residences, totalled $895,280 in 2001-02, the official secretary to the Governor-General, Martin Bonsey, told a Senate committee yesterday. Sir William, in comparison, spent $430,500.)

"Peter Hollingworth is safe in his job until John Howard advises the Queen otherwise, and it may be doubted whether the Prime Minister will do that. A lame duck governor-general such as we have now is a prime minister's dream: someone for whom public esteem is so low that he would never risk attempting any independent discretion in the exercise of his office. Hollingworth is entirely dependent on retaining the Prime Minister's favour, so there is virtually no prospect that he would ever contemplate doing to him what John Kerr did to Gough Whitlam. Nor is there is even much prospect that this Governor-General will make the sort of comment on public issues that could be construed as criticism of the Government, something his immediate predecessor, Sir William Deane, was occasionally thought to have done. Though here, of course, there are many shades of grey:

Deane got away with saying rather more than most governors-general have been willing to say because he properly avoided making remarks that might indicate partisan allegiance, or that commented upon specific policies. Hollingworth, however, did just that when farewelling ADF personnel who were being deployed to the Gulf: "This is something that's got to be done . . . I think it's a matter of putting pressure on this dictator." The first statement could charitably be interpreted as an expression of support for the troops, but the second comments frankly upon Government policy, something governors-general are not supposed to do. But Hollingworth got away with it, presumably because the comment was an endorsement, not a criticism." MORE.

Friday, May 02, 2003

It was votin' day yesterday and My 'Enry (God rest 'is nadgers) always said, "We 'ad t' fight for the right t' vote"! Which explained why 'ee was always goin' off to those all female mud wrestling bouts...t' make sure that democracy was being up'eld.
So I toggles up me overcoat, got out me Zimmer and 'eaded off f'r the Over 90's club on Lancaster Drive...the place what they always use as the pole vaultin' station on erection day. It used t' be the pubic toilets, y' know? But the local homosapiens were usin' it as a convenience an' somewhere t' shoot up cracks, so the council closed it down an' gave it t' the pensioners instead. We did it out very nice, we did, with lots of paisley cushions and antimassacres an' everythin'. But, t' be blunt, y' could never shift the smell o' effervescence ('scuse my Scottish) properly.
Gettin' back t' me story...naturally I voted for the British 'Ome Stores party, what with 'em wantin' t' get all these evil Muslin nig nogs out of Britain an' get us back to a decent way o' life. They've always been good t' me 'ave British 'Ome Stores an' their toffee fudge goes down a treat!
Any'ow...I got t' the door an' this 'uge great bloke in a pin-stripped suit with an 'Itler moustache wants t' know which way I'm swingin'.
"Mind y'r own business," I says. "What I does wi' me breast is nowt t' do wi' nobody but me an' Dr Patel...and even 'ee can only look at 'em! I won't let 'im touch! You don't know where these Hindustanis 'ave been" Then I looks 'im straight in the eye and I asks, "You ain't one o' those Liberated Demographs, are y'? The ones what wants thespians to 'ave sex in public and paediatricians loose on the streets?"
"No Madam," 'ee replies. "I'm just takin' a poll."
"Aye, well I'll tek a pole in a minute an' shove it up your fat arse y' big Editor's note: Once again, many apologies for taking so long to interrupt this posting. Great Grandma Hughes shouldn't be bothering anybody else before next Monday when I let her out of the closet again.

Thursday, May 01, 2003

Some bird with big jugs on the telly last night reckoned that fish can feel pain. Too bleedin' right they can, mate! Where would the fun be in stickin' an hook through their gobs and then smackin' their heads against a rock if they didn't feel nowt?
Apparently the RSPCA are now calling for a ban on shittin' angling. What a bunch of wankers! Fish are bleedin' stupid creatures and wouldn't know the difference any'ow.
I enjoy a bit of the old rod dangling meself. There's nowt better than cracking open a six pack of Boddies, sticking a worm on me tackle, pullin' out the jazz mag from where I've 'idden it under me jumper and pulling me pud settling back on me canvas stool to listen t' Radio One full blast down the old sewerage pit at the back of Sainsburies of an afternoon. Keeps me out of the way of the missus' feet it does, so she can get on with the 'ooverin' and stuff...y' know what I mean...all that crap what women do that men shouldn't know about with nappies and baby's shit and cookin' and tampons!
Ban fishin'? Fuckin' puffs! Fish are thick. Sometimes you catch the same one over and over again 'cos the silly bastards never learn nowt. Bit like my mate Charlie, actually, 'oo had an 'eart bypass operation and then had three pints, a packet of fags and a chip butty within half an hour of leaving the 'ospital!
How dare they try t' ban fishin' the cunts!? Next thing you know they'll be bannin' swattin' flies and kickin' snails and beltin' your own kids and then where would we all be? Over run by fuckin' gastropods and kids what answer back, that's where! Just like the Pakis round 'ere! You can blame that on those bleedin' do gooders an' all! Stirrin' the Pakis up to get smart with their betters! 'Oo the fuck do they think this country belongs to?!

Editor's note: If you have a different view than the bloke in the pub, or even if you just think he's an ignorant cunt, then you'd probably be right. Unfortunately there's fuck all we can about it.

Sex Disneyland in Sydney?

Melbourne Australia April 30 2003

The Daily Planet Ltd, which tomorrow becomes the first brothel to list on the Australian Stock Exchange, has plans to open a "sex Disneyland" in Sydney.

(UPDATE: Shares in the Daily Planet have risen further, as investors flock to the world's first listed brothel. The Daily Planet began trading on the Australian Stock Exchange at 11:00am AEST. The stock surged to 74 cents, well above the initial float offer of 50 cents. Daily Planet chief executive Andrew Harris said, "I'd just like you to note the irony, a lot of people who have bought our shares have obviously got a sense of humour, having most of their first offers up there at 69 cents." )

Chief executive Andrew Harris said the company is likely to abandon its plans for the Barclay Hotel in Kings Cross and acquire another property three times the size and in a better location.

The Daily Planet raised $3.5 million in its initial public offering with one of the new 600 shareholders acquiring $1 million worth of shares.

International madam Heidi Fleiss is in Melbourne for the launch and, according to Mr Harris, has played a key role in attracting worldwide media attention for the listing.

"Heidi's ideas, her background, her knowledge have helped us a great deal," Mr Harris said.

"The international novelty value with Heidi promoting it has been massive - these shares can go anywhere."

But it hasn't been an easy road to the ASX since the idea was first mooted in 1994.

"The establishment did not want a brothel on the Stock Exchange," Mr Harris said.

What, no brothel on the Stock Exchange?! The place is full of shysters and tarts touting for money, perfect fucking synergy!

Editor's note: least the number of abandoned and abused wombats should start to fall now.

A rant from one of Australia's finest social commentators.

Neighbours - 25 April 2003

If Eskimos have seventy-five words to describe snow, we should have at least a hundred to describe dickheads.

Take my neighbours – not the ones near the roundabout but the other ones – they are ill-educated troglodytes that don’t know the difference between a muffin and a friand (? Bonds and assurities? Shiraz and Merlot?).

I hardly need to add they’re renters.

The young bloke came home the other day in a souped up car with the number plates ‘lover 69’ - obviously ‘pillock’ had already been taken. His common law strumpet parades around in tracky dacks with matching stilettos and thinks the Dalai Lama is an ice cream shop.

They won’t be offended if they hear this – ‘dickhead’ has two syllables, which is one beyond their comprehension.

There is a myth in Australia that people like these have the right to live in my street. It’s called egalitarianism, which was a cunning ideology devised in the nineteenth century to fool workers that they have a purpose in society beyond serving the ruling classes.

I recently decided that the idea was worth investigating and started riding in the front of taxis.

So for the last month I’ve been regaled by half-evolved life forms who think they are de facto correspondents for the department or meteorology, or worse still, the only people in the world who actually understand what’s happening.

There’s a whole army of cretins, fired up on 'No-Doze' and caffeine, sitting on beaded back supports and digging their finger nails into the re-inforced plastic steering wheels, who are convinced that if they weren’t busy driving the airport to city run twelve hours a day, they would single-handedly solve the middle east problem, the refugee crisis and Medicare.

It’s time we realised that egalitarianism is another outmoded ‘ism’ and until cab companies forcibly rip out the larynx of every employee I’m staying seated in the back.

You Know It Makes Sense.

I’m Sam Kekovich

Wednesday, April 30, 2003

Will somebody please explain to the women of this world (because none of them ever believe me) that men prefer the opposite gender to have some physical substance. We're not talking Ann Widdicombe here, of course...nobody in their right mind would want that much substance hurling itself onto their manacled and soon to be flattened form from the bedstead in the small hours...just your average, size fourteen to sixteen, bouncing woman with all her curves and bulges and dips in the right sorts of places.
Only male fashion designers like women to resemble seaweed coated barge poles. And that's because they're gay. I mean, seriously...six foot, titless, hipless, stone faced Well...only if you have a penchant for teenage boys! And as I much as I realise that women enjoy a good challenge in the romantic stakes, bedding a rampant homosexual will only result in the production of a strap on dildo to be fastened around your waist, and forced rear entry.
No...real men like something they can get hold of, bury their noses into and then blow raspberries against. It keeps us happy for hours. The joyful snort of soft rasping noises and the humorous, cartoon-like wobble of energetic lips against flesh! Who could possibly ask for more?
You can't do that sort of thing if you keep getting horrible, sticky-out ribs poked in your eyes, or...depending on your preference...a bony coccyx stuck up your nose.
The women of this world, please, do us men and yourselves a great big sensibly, stop worrying about Kate Moss because she looks like a fucking bodkin, and be bouncy and free!

Uncle Brian, recognising that pears are better than string beans any day of the week!

I draw this to Uncle Brian's attention: The Surgery of Ancient Rome.

Editor's note: To be honest, Joe, it's the surgery of Ancient Gaul that worries me. (Gall...Gaul...see? It's a play on words almost worthy of Setev himself.)

Joe's note: Yes, my Pun-O-Meter has swung out. With one and half grade.

Tuesday, April 29, 2003

Following Cadbury's 'Chocolate for Sports' campaign in which overweight school children are being encouraged to collect chocolate wrappers in exchange for sports equipment, other leading brand names have decided to jump on the pointless P.R. band wagon.
Benson and Hedges are believed to be starting a 'Cigarettes for Asthma Inhalers' campaign, Boddingtons are launching their 'Bitter for Better Erections' collection and the Washington Administration has started it's latest 'Bullets for Liberation' promotion, although, in all fairness, this particular piece of P.R. bogwash has been in progress for some time now.

US troops kill 13 Iraqi demonstrators

"United States troops have killed up to 13 Iraqi demonstrators west of Baghdad, with conflicting accounts of who fired first.

US officers say they fired in self-defence while witnesses in Falluja say the troops opened fire on several hundred unarmed demonstrators.

The Iraqis had been demanding the soldiers vacate a school they were using as a barracks.

The tactful choice of building for setting up a field office is second only to Jolly Jay Garner choosing to ensconce himself in one of Saddam's palaces.

Falluja hospital director Ahmed Ghanim al-Ali says 13 people were killed and at least 75 wounded in the incident.

There are widely conflicting accounts of what had happened.

Colonel Arnold Bray from the 82nd Airborne Division says some of the Iraqi protesters were armed with AK-47s.

"When we first started firing there was an engagement," he said.

"I think there was one engagement at the time, then the other two buildings, they started automatic weapons fire. That is when the truth changed."

Now can someone please explain to me exactly what that statement means? Iraq has buildings that spontaneously open fire on innocent occupying liberators for no reason and lie about it? I don't hold out much hope for a peaceful occupation when we have Americans, whose native tongue is not English, trying to communicate with Iraqi civilians and buildings who likewise have a limited grasp of English.

US Lieutenant Christopher Hart says between 100 and 200 chanting people approached his men.

He says US troops opened fire after two gunmen with combat rifles appeared from behind the crowd on a motorcycle and started shooting.

US Central Command said in a statement that about 25 armed civilians fired at the troops.

Lt Hart put the Iraqi dead at between seven and 10.

Local Sunni Muslim cleric Kamal Shaker Mahmoud says the protest was "a peaceful demonstration".

They did not have any weapons," he said. "They were asking the Americans to leave the school so they could use it."

A US officer at the scene, Lieutenant Colonel Eric Nantz, says the bloodshed occurred after the crowd shot into the air, making it hard to tell if his men were under threat.

Well the lads who had mastered the ancient Eastern art of levitation might have felt a little uncomfortable I guess.

"There was a lot of celebratory firing ... last night," Nantz said, noting that it had been Saddam Hussein's 66th birthday.
Yes Nantzy boy, I know it seems odd but that's what they do when they celebrate. However your concern was understandable. From your experience back home it is understandable that you would assume that anyone armed and within cooee of a school is someone ready to take out a few classmates and teachers.

"There were a lot of people who were armed and who were throwing rocks. How is a US soldier to tell the difference between a rock and a grenade?"
Yes, a difficult one Nantzy boy, given your average trigger happy grunt doesn't seem know his head from his arsehole ... and that's the way the Commander in Chief likes it.

The Falluja shooting and a clash between US forces and Iraqi fighters in the northern city of Mosul on Monday in which six Iraqis were killed, have punctured some of the optimism generated by a meeting in Baghdad to kickstart the transition to democracy after Saddam's fall.

"Our soul and our blood, we will sacrifice to you martyrs," mourners in Falluja chanted as they buried their dead at a cemetery while US helicopters flew overhead."
Oh dear! Banquo's Bin Laden's ghost enters stage right and takes a seat at the table. (Not to mention the extras flown in from Northern ireland.)


US soldiers have fired on protesting Iraqis in the town of Fallujah for the second time in a week. Reports say up to three Iraqis were shot dead and 15 wounded in the shooting. It comes less than two days after soldiers opened fire on another protest in Fallujah, a Ba'ath party stronghold 30 miles west of Baghdad, which hospital reports say killed 13.

Donald Rumsfeld:- "A number of human beings have been liberated and they are out from under the heel of a vicious, brutal regime". Another 3 terminally liberated Iraqis can take great comfort from Unka Donald's words.

Someone PLEASE send Bob Hope and an all singing, all dancing entourage over to occupied Iraq to keep these trigger happy chappies occupied.

What gives with that 'Direct Line' advert? The one where some bloke pulls up in a clapped-out camper van and his wife says, "I'm not getting in that!" Then up comes some ruddy-faced council-estater and starts wittering on about how she got a loan from 'Direct Line' for her cruddy old kitchen.
"So what's the problem?" you ask. Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but the final scene shows the council-estate tart climbing into a brand new Porsche or something with the aforementioned twat, snogging him and then allowing him to drive away whilst his wife looks sadly on from her living room window.
What exactly are 'Direct Line' trying to tell us? Borrow a huge amount of money and be skint for the rest of your life and you too can have an affair with an ugly old sow from the wrong end of the street?
Callously screw your new bird in front of your ex-Missus just because she didn't want to borrow thousands of quid from some wank-hole lending agency?
It's almost as dreadful an advert as the one where the worst actress in creation ever is bemoaning her fate and the second worst actress in creation ever is listening to her. The first old sow is up to her eyeballs in debt. Can't pay the mortgage. Having to sell her liver to buy shoes for the kids. Hiring out her nipples to scientific research. The humanity!
And her friend's advice? Get another huge loan! Well...that should do it, love! Great idea that!
So, of course, she does.
And the next minute she's loading up the boot of a brand new car...a brand, spanking new, £30,000 the back of Sainsbury's with unnecessary crap.
"Oh yes...and we had enough left over to stupidly buy this poser mobile. Bollocks to keeping some money tucked aside for a rainy day. We're completely crap with money and Western Finance have allowed us to be even more reckless and pathetic. That's why we ended up fiscally fucked in the first place."
Stupid bellends!
I'm sick of all these "solve your debt problems easily" adverts nowadays. Just try not spending so much money on new cars you peer-group pressured bastards.
And for fuck's sake, leave the putrid skanks from the council estates alone!

I think, some questions are missing from this form. Ok, the name is no matter (as far as I know, there are everybody called as Bruce), but there aren't any questions from the sympathy for the wombats and sheeps, ability of drinking beer in the buff, etc...

Tests Cast Doubt on Chemical Find in Iraq

Apr 28, 7:03 PM (ET) By LOUIS MEIXLER

BAIJI, Iraq (AP) - A metal drum found in northern Iraq that initially tested positive for nerve and blister agents might instead contain rocket fuel, according to new tests, a U.S. chemical weapons expert said Monday.

Novikov's (Lt. Col. Valentin Novikov, the chief chemical weapons officer of the 4th Infantry Division) comments raised the prospect that the discovery was the latest in a series of false alarms as U.S. troops try to find the remains of Saddam Hussein's suspected programs for biological, chemical and nuclear weapons.

The suspicious barrel was among 14 barrels found in an open field near the Tigris River town of Baiji, among mounds of earth that hid missiles and missile parts. U.S. troops performed an initial test and found indications the barrel may contain the nerve agent cyclosarin and a blister agent that could be a precursor of mustard gas.
... pre-initially it was thought that the barrel might contain material that finds its way into "Big Macs". This conjecture was dismissed on the basis that even Saddam could not have been that malevolent.

By design, initial test procedures favor positive readings, erring on the side of caution to protect soldiers.
... and to give the Administration a little testosterone rush.

Two teams of experts were brought in this weekend for additional testing.
... when Monday rolled around both teams had failed dismally. The first team could not recite its times tables and the second had connected a false positive to a true negative and still couldn't jump start the jeep.

One team conducted three tests, but the tests "were not totally conclusive," Novikov said.
... Novikov intends bringing in a team that can count beyond three and which can jump to any conclusion the Pentagon demands.

The second team, a specialist Mobile Exploitation Team, "suspects that it might be rocket fuel," Novikov said.
"... and some of the lads have been partaking of it a bit too liberally."

That team is expected to return to the site in the coming days for further tests.

The head of the team is to be replaced by a close co conspirator associate of Donald Ducksfelt, Retired General Chuck Henny Penny.

Before leaving Washington for the 51st State Iraq the General said, "The team is currently following a fresh trail of bread crumbs which looks it might lead right up to the gingerbread house. We have experts who will enter the facility to test the porridge, the chairs and the beds for both size and toxicity. All necessary care will be taken following the unfortunate incident last week when Corporal Eugene Joe Bob Kaprowitz cried wolf and a little old Iraqi grandmother was axed to death in her bed."

Blair warns against 'crowing' about absence of WMDs

British Prime Minister Tony Blair has cautioned people against "crowing" about the absence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, suggesting instead that they wait a little bit. Mr Blair also says evidence will emerge of links between Saddam Hussein's regime and terrorist organisations.
"We currently have a team of researchers working around the clock plagiarising preparing evidence that fell off the back of a SUV. I have great faith in these researchers. So far they have produced incontrovertable evidence of the existence of not only Santa Claus but also the Easter Bunny and a Socialist Plank in the platform of New Labor."

Mr Blair says stabilising Iraq and providing humanitarian aid are still the priorities, not the search for weapons of mass destruction.
"Much like our priorities were before the war, if I'm not mistaken. Does my nose look big in that, Gepetto?"

Potential sites have been identified to be searched and the Prime Minister all but said the weapons have been found. Mr Blair says there will be "independent verification" of any finds according to a mechanism yet to be agreed upon.
Likewise the Prime Minister all but said that his wife was a woman of excellent character and judgment. Potential sites have been identified to be searched ... pockets, handbags, etc ... and T-shirts, knits, polo shirts, shorts, bags, jackets, mini-skirts, belts, jeans, sweaters, hoodies, knits and underwear, books, an alarm clock, necklaces, socks, a lunchbox, pyjamas, boxer shorts, a beach play set and pillow cases would undergo "independent verification".

Monday, April 28, 2003

I haven't posted for a long time any bizarre links.

So, here are some politically incorrect eat things.

"...the brain actually becomes smaller, as time goes on, through the repeated shocks of coition, and becomes distorted in shape."

An extract from William James Chidley's "The Answer" explaining the dangers of too much wombat abuse amongst Antipodean cartoonists.

Tonight sees the relaunch of ITV's "I'm an Ex-celebrity who can't get Decent Pantomime Work and will eat Caterpillars for Promotion -- Get Me on Telly!" (I, for one, will be going out for an evening stroll despite the torrential rain.) Saddam Hussein's wife, Margaret Hilda Thatch Abdulah Omah Hussein, will be amongst the motley collection of washed-up has-beens, along with the Ex Iraqi Information Minister (described recently by Dubya as " of the funniest people I've met since talking to that Pontiff bloke...") and Elkie Brooks (my God how the mighty have fallen). Uri Gellar will not be reprising his role as the phantom child molester ( least according to Mr Stalworth of 42 Blackberry Crescent, Fleetwood) and angry little bulldyke Fiona Cameron was humanely destroyed in pre-programme counselling following a decidely unhealthy career.

Meanwhile in China the authorities, worried about the spread of SARS, are fining people the equivalent of three pounds (or eight years hard-earned wages) for spitting in public. The English football squad have cancelled a trip to Beijing promoting their latest away strip for fears of bankruptcy.
Eight cases of SARS have now been recorded in Britain, although none of them have resulted in death. (We're made of grittier stuff over here than in Canada.) The Health Authority, however, has called on the government to deal with matters.
"We are treating it in the same manner that we dealt with foot and mouth," responded David Blunkett with his back to press. "We're going to wait until it's too late, dismiss any cures as being too expensive, round up all Canadians in Britain, along with all Orientals and anyone with a sniffle, and have them culled. Then we're going burn all our political refugees in Dover."
Several members of the royal household are rumoured to be carrying the virus. They are, of course, exempt from the slaughter as they're never likely to come into contact with common plebs.

Box Brownie Holiday Snaps of Sedgwick's sojourn in Daylesford.

(These pics are stored at 'freebie' sites ... we know what that's likely to mean ... slow loading or not there at all, at all.)

Sedgwick dies and goes to Heaven.

Me and poor old petrified Grandpa Sedgwick.    See there is such a place. Boy, the store was doing a roaring trade as usual.   Signpost for the Daylesford Wombat Geriatric Centre.    I've just found Heaven on Earth.
Master of my domain.    Errrr ... don't ask about my hasty retreat. Anyhow it's sub judice.   Heaven again.    Is that a gun in my pocket or am I looking for a gift for the wombats?
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Unidentified woman (AKA Mrs. Sedgwick) leaves the Daylesford Psychiatric Centre
having arranged for her husband to be committed for the rest of his unnatural proclivities.

This on the queries log:

"the demise of arselickers"

Nice sentiment but it won't happen of course because syncophancy is what makes the world go round. You just ask Stony Bleugghh about his "special relationship" with Dubya!



Take a good look at this svelte individual posing for a magazine. This is the bloke who yesterday thought nothing of Sars (severe acute respiratory syndrome) having the potential to kill one in twenty victims - potentially three million deaths in Britain - and did precisely fuck all to screen people entering the country from infected regions. Today the risk had doubled to one in ten deaths from Sars - potentially six million victims in Britain. Sir Liam has become seriously worried. In fact he's so worried about Sars becoming an out of control pandemic he's going to take drastic action. Like those involved in the Mad Cow Disease and Foot & Mouth scandals, he's going to stick his head in the sand, plead lack of funds and do...precisely fuck all!
This on the queries log:

"photo of the devil who appeared in baghdad`s bomb cloud in the first week of the war in the cover of weekly world news"

No problems there - it was a B52 bomber. No...wait...the B52 would have been miles away wouldn't it? Guess it was just one of God's little optical-illusion-in-a-bomb-cloud jokes after all then!
As I sat watching “Dying for Drugs” on Channel 4 last night I watched my long held suspicions become grim reality - that so-called “big pharm” companies put profit before lives. I feel no satisfaction about being proved right, only seething anger and outrage.
Of course, these are exactly the emotions the programme wanted to promote but that doesn’t make it any less relevant. The producer actually lifted a few stones and put a harsh light on the creeps lurking in the illusory shadows of corporate generosity and compassion for all. This was media coverage at its best.
Part of the message was clear – use poor people as unpaid, uninformed guinea pigs on which to test untried drugs, lie about the legality of the tests and then, if a drug works (and sod the side effects!), make a killing by flogging it at obscenely inflated prices to desperately ill people. Ruthless, unethical behaviour made all the more frightening by the fact that mega corporations fund political parties to the tune of millions. Bleugghh has a few of these “vested interests” in his pocket. The US government is riddled with them, Rumpfelt being a prime example.
Big pharm companies love to tell us how they spend billions researching and testing new drugs. How much the testing programmes cost is anyone’s guess – not much if poverty stricken, third world people are cynically deceived into doing it for nothing in the belief that they are being helped. It was also made clear that governments provide funds for some research. A twenty year licence is given to the company holding the patent of a drug; apparently a licence to print money.
The biggest moneyspinners in recent history are drugs like Viagra. It is more important to research drugs for men with erectile dysfunction than it is to research new anti-malaria drugs to replace the no longer effective ones and save the lives of millions of poor people. Future profits are expected to be made based on imoral patents taken out on human (and other) genes. I guess the big pharm companies will find yet more uses for poor people soon enough.
Generic, equivalents exist, mostly manufactured in India for a fraction of the prices charged by patent holders - in the case of a life saving leukaemia drug, less than a twentieth of the price! These Indian companies are considered pirates and their products are banned in many countries, probably by corrupt government officials who receive handsome backhanders from “vested interests”. There is a legal way to strip a patent from a company in order for a vital drug – perhaps for aids sufferers or those dying of cancer – to be made available to those who most need it and can least afford it. How many of you watched that twelve year old boy, Jairo, die painfully of a treatable, AIDS related illness and thought only that a big pharm company has the right to charge more than twice the family’s income for vital medication costing only a fraction of the price to manufacture? It makes no sense that the poorest countries have the right to insist on a generic drug yet do not. One woman, desperate to help her HIV infected child, risked jail to smuggle a generic anti-thrush drug from a neighbouring country that allowed the distribution of cheap generic drugs. Why does she, and others like her, have to take such risks? You need to look no further than the conditions attached to foreign aid. This situation would not exist save for one country who would rather protect “property rights” over the rights of poor people to have cheap, life saving drugs. And who is this champion of shareholders dividends? Step forward the US government.
Of course, the concept of property rights only extends to US citizens, the rich ones anyway. Now the world is going to stand by idly and watch Dubya’s gangsters extort oil from Iraq to pay for the destruction wrought by Western (mostly US) military action. No one believes that the rebuilding of Iraq is going to be cheap. And what’s the betting that Iraqi hospitals won’t be stocked with generic drugs.

Deputy Editor interpolates a vaguely related item from OZ. Monday, 28 April , 2003 18:10:00

"MARK COLVIN: But first tonight, don't take your vitamins, and check your other non-prescription drugs. Australia's medicine cabinets tonight need a severe cleanout, after what appears to be the biggest product recall in Australian medical history.

The Therapeutic Goods Administration, the Federal Government's medicines watchdog, has ordered an urgent recall of 219 products made and supplied by Pan Pharmaceuticals. Pan on its website describes itself as the largest independent contract manufacturer of ethical drugs and health supplements in the world.

It also claims to comply fully with the Therapeutic Goods Administration Code of Good Manufacturing Practice for Therapeutic Products. But now the TGA says the company has been systematically and deliberately manipulating its quality control test data.

Dr John McEwen is the principal medical adviser for the Therapeutic Goods Administration.

JOHN MCEWEN: It came to light initially because of problems with a travel sickness remedy in January, and when we investigated that we found there were manufacturing problems. Within a pack, some tablets had no active ingredient, and within the same pack at least one tablet had up to seven times the amount.

And what initially misled us was that the company had manipulated some assay results. Since then we have had our auditors visit the plant on a couple of occasions, and most recently spent nearly a week there, and have come up with multiple quality control and production failures, and we’ve reached the point where – in the interest of public health – we must simply get their products out of the marketplace."

Big Brother turns three

By Dale Paget
April 27, 2003

"THE reality TV series Big Brother has turned three and celebrated a new season of prime time voyeurism with a shapely duplex and its own police force.

With balloons flying, rain falling and fireworks blasting, the third season of Channel Ten's hit show launched with one eye on how many viewers would switch channels to the 60 Minutes Natasha Ryan interview.

A total of 16 contestants - including Queensland police detective Brett and former Victorian undercover detective Benjamin - will spend up to three months in two new purpose-built Big Brother houses next to Dreamworld.

In the first twist of the new series, only six of the 16 were given keys to the divided home.

The others, including detective Brett who will remain undercover until tomorrow, will be gradually allowed in over the next week."

What was the Editor lamenting? Reading? Tosh! ... put down that book right now. This is what we need to give the old grey matter a good working over. Tits, bums, shower scenes and horizontal progressive barndances.

Sunday, April 27, 2003

According to the Top 100 Richest Britons list J.K. Rowling is now richer than the queen. And yet I've never met anyone who's ever said anything other than that the Harry Potter books are 'okay.'
"So why did you buy them?" I invariably ask.
" seemed a good way to get my kid interested in reading."
Fair enough.
But it doesn't say much for the 'children's book' market these days if the most inspiring work out there is at best okay. Long gone are the days of the Moomins, Arthur Ransom, the Oz books and stuff of such ilk. And I blame the late but far from great Roger Hargreaves and his cynical, unentertaining, badly written, badly thought-out and dreadfully illustrated 'Mr Men' books for this obvious decline.
Strangely enough one long established British publishing firm recently (can't remember which one now, but I've got a hangover as an excuse) went belly up. Apparently there was a 50% drop in book sales last year throughout Britain (how frightening is that folks?) and yet Rowling continues to go from strength to strength.
A case of "Everyone else is reading it and I don't want to miss out" I reckon.
I know that's not funny...but I've already told you that I've got a bad hangover so leave me alone.
Also in the Top 100 Rich English Twats list is the NorthWest's very own Paul MacCartney. Old Macca comes in at a staggering £760 million. Enough to buy a dozen third world countries and save several billion lives. How the fuck does this bloke sleep at night knowing that because of greedy, irresponsible tossers like himself there are whole continents starving?
A case of Macca Donalds if you ask me!
Again...not funny I know...but I'm off to barf down the bog for half an hour anyway.