Saturday, October 19, 2002


The pharmaceutical companies have only our best interests at heart so naturally they are concerned about the uneducated public imbibing suspect herbal remedies at the expense of good old fashioned chemical drugs. Natural remedies do not normally come with many adverse side effects and, as any pharmaceutical marketing department worth its salt knows, you can’t have a decent cure without at least ten accompanying side effects that make you feel worse before you begin to feel better.
So, to promote healthy profits, the EU is going to help those nice friendly companies put most of those irresponsible homeopathic quacks, health food freaks and peddlers of herbs out of business by having various herbal extracts and food supplements available on prescription only.
Naturally, these wonderful companies want to make the world a better place for not everyone but themselves.

Tomorrow: Monsanto’s phenomenal contribution to Western health.

Princess Diana's butler, (or rather ex-butler if you'd prefer) Mr Paul Burrell (or however his name's spelt) is currently standing trial accused of stealing jewellery, private correspondence and various other expensive items from the princess' house shortly after she died. In court the judge read out a statement on behalf of Mr Burrell intended to show his 'close-relationship' with the dead princess. It began:

"Princess Diana had a number of..."

And at that point it ended abruptly, the judge deciding that the rest of the statement contained sensitive information not fit for public consumption.

Leaving aside the obvious moral issues here of the disgracefully rich receiving different treatment than the common plebeian (what else is new? Make rape victims describe the previous sexual relationships in full why not, but give the Royal Family cart blanche when it comes to difficult confessions) I must admit I am intrigued to know exactly what Diana had a 'number of'.

Tufted blemishes on her arse, perhaps? Boiled babies on sticks? Photographs of Dodi's balls as they slapped against her pale jowls? Stubborn skidmarks on the gusset of her undies? (You know where the comments box is, folks. Suggestions welcome as always.)

Also, during the trial, the investigating officer was asked to describe the items of jewellery removed from Diana's house. Having described them, again, as 'sensitive' he then handed the judge a notepad containing written descriptions.

Prince Charles' Prince Albert? A solid gold clitoris ring? Foetus earrings? Diamond encrusted anal beads with the Queen Mother's face carved into them? know where the comments box is.

Anyhow...I have this to say to Mr Burrell in light of his alleged theft... Good on you mate! I hope you did nick all those things 'cos that loose-necked aristocratic bitch had been stealing from the rest of us all our lives. And that goes for her royal cohorts as well, the ones who are now so desperate to get their blood money back. Thieving, inbred, dirty descendants of the French aristocracy that they are. It's about time somebody gave them a taste of their own medicine...that being the piss they've poured on us commoners for so many centuries now that nobody even notices any more. Surely theft is a term that can only be applied when somebody's property is removed without their permission. The Spencer family didn't own all that stuff in the first place; leeched, raped, stolen, coerced, forced, stripped and harvested from the lesser mortals of this septic isle as it was. You can't begin to imagine how much I'd like to be sitting on that jury right now.

What did Princess Diana have a 'number of' that we're not allowed to hear about? Well, it wasn't fucking braincells for a start and it certainly wasn't scruples.

Friday, October 18, 2002

Message to the Verdant Nymph.
re:- "Blogger tells me that the password it gave me not two seconds ago is not the correct one."
I'm on their case, but Blogger/Blogspot can be a tetchy little beast prone to chronic PMS, hot flashes, identity crises and bi polarity.

This week's etc...

"The Truth about Britain Today" as told by the fat bloke in the pub!

1) All artists are puffs. And so are actors. Apart from John Thaw, he was all right.

2) That Queen Mum, she was a right decent woman who did loads of good stuff for the country with her charities and stuff. Just like Princess Diana. Pity she died. I'd have shagged her.

3) We fought the Second World War to keep the nig-nogs out. Now look at the state of the country. It's bloody full of them. And they're not like us, you know? They're not civilised. They crap in their bathtubs and eat dog food because they think it contains real dogs.

4) That Maggie Thatcher was the best thing that ever happened to us. If it wasn't for her I wouldn't have my own decorating business today. Or own my own council house. God bless her.

5) The bloody unions are ruining this country. Especially that one with the nig-nog in charge of it.

6) What do you mean, not everyone likes sport? All blokes like football and that's a fact. Those who reckon otherwise are just lying out of their arseholes to impress their birds or something.

7) That Michael Barrymore, he's a funny bloke, but he shouldn't bum young boys and then drown them. That's the trouble with queers. They always end up killing each other and spreading aids. What they need is a good shag with some bird with big knockers. That'd teach them.

8) Fucking Iraqis, coming over here and stealing our jobs. We need to nuke them and sort the problem out once and for all. I'm with Bush. He might be American but he's all right in my book.

9) Women like men who kick them around a bit. It makes them feel more feminine. Nothing violent, of course. Just the odd smack in the gob when they haven't got me dinner ready in time.

10) The people in this country ought to stop arsing around and go to war with the ragheads. They're a bloody menace. These wankers who reckon the War is unjustified are just ignorant twats. What would have happened if we'd ignored Hitler during World War Two? The country would be over run by nig-nogs now. Bloody liberals. They're all gay. Next thing you know they'll be letting paedophiles get away with shagging the kiddies.

The Lord Chief Justice, Lord Woolf, has vowed to uphold the human rights of illegal immigrants, asylum seekers and terrorists alike and fight for their right to stay in Britain. He intends to do this even if he has to defy parliament and public opinion. Very noble of him.
As we know, public opinion doesn’t count for much in Britain. We have a crazy system that rewards terrorists with government posts (think Sinn Fein) and demands that a hard pressed and under funded police force to foot the bill for a refugee camp burnt down by its (mostly illegal) occupants. Am I the only one who believes this is pure madness? I don’t think so.
At the risk of sounding unfashionably politically incorrect I suggest the following:

That individuals possessing terrorist tendencies, who are seeking asylum of a country whose way of life they vociferously despise, should be given the boot without leave to appeal. Anyone allowed into Britain who begins to preach hatred against the British people should also be immediately deported.

Refugees from war zones should be given temporary asylum but encouraged to return home as soon as their countries have been stabilised. Aid should come from an international fund, especially from countries who have helped to bomb or terrorise these people out of their homes. And I'm not talking parachuted peanut butter and other questionable comestibles.

People seeking asylum for economic reasons should be told to get lost. Our creaking social security system can barely cope with our own poor and needy along with genuine asylum seekers so we don’t need a large influx of foreign scroungers to sink the boat thank you very much.

Innocent individuals and families who are genuinely fleeing for their lives should be given priority to have their cases heard.

Rich immigrants who make political donations or bribe members of HM government to gain British passports can f*ck off. Being a rich, corrupt bastard with friends in high places doesn’t mean the ordinary Brit in the street wants the like soiling our shores. We have enough home spun crooks of our own if you don’t mind.

The British people are generous when it comes to digging into their pockets to help those in need. But we are a small country with a big population. We cannot possibly fit a large percentage of the world’s dispossessed and dissatisfied into what amounts to a two-up-two-down terraced house. Anyone forcing entry and demanding permanent lodgings for no good reason will get the door slammed firmly in their faces. If Lord Woolf and his rampant, politically correct public servant cronies don’t like what public opinion thinks of them then perhaps they shouldn’t be taking their salaries from public coffers.
PATRIOT MEMES: The Genetics of Cultural Conformity and Mass Hysteria - Part III

When Dubya Bush does an about face and crumbles before withering world opinion, any unpatriotic dickweeds caught laughing will be tied to petrol station forecourts and mall car parks in the Washington area where they can take their chances with the sniper (who is probably in the pay of Bin Laden but he’s white so we can’t prove it yet).

Jack Straw was cast adrift last night by a government treading on increasingly rotten eggs. While Tony’s gob-piece was appearing on a live TV debate, denying all knowledge of a CIA warning about the elevated threat of terrorist attacks upon “soft” targets in Indonesia, another Labour gob-piece was admitting to press that, actually, there was a warning; two warnings in fact – one in August and one two days before the outrage at the Sari Club.
Certain parts of Indonesia, particularly Bali, are popular holiday destinations. Why were the warnings ignored? Why weren’t tourists and ex-pats alerted to the serious possibility their lives may be at risk in areas where they congregated in large numbers? Both Tony Blair and John Howard should be dragged before their own parliaments to answer for their failure to act. They should then both resign.

A note to the people who perpetrated this atrocity, be they Islamic fundamentalists or US black ops. I hope you die like your victims, screaming in agony and fear, you warped, evil scumbags.

Click cartoon to see it in better detail.
The impact of Uncle Brian's column: "Helping Couples Find Love and Romance in a Competitive Market!" has been outstanding. As a "Rant of the Week" community service, a team of 342 translators has been working around the biological clock to render the column in French. (Since the posting of Unle Brian's Column the reputation of French as "the romantic language" has been under seige.) Such is the success of Uncle Brian's column that the Brits have knocked the French into a cocked chapeau in the art of seduction stakes. Seven of Jacque Chirac's mistresses have be sighted in the Chunnel travelling at break neck speed (haven't they learned the lesson of Henri Paul?!) to plonk their pretty petite booties on stools at "The Hair and Hoons" pub to await the "come hither -or round the back of the bike shed will do- looks" of Uncle Brian's reconstructed post-modernist British Lotharios.

Translated page for our Gallic cousins.


It has come to our attention that in response to the publishing of the French version, a retranslation of this page has been floating around the Web in an effort to subvert Uncle Brian's altruistic efforts. -------- Batardes!

Thursday, October 17, 2002

Uncle Brian, you'll surely like it.

Men: How to Make Yourself more Attractive to Women!

1) Women like jewellery so make sure you wear plenty of medallions and chains.

2) When meeting women in the pub always use a great chat up line such as, "If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?" They'll think you're witty and debonair and immediately fancy you.

3) Wear plenty of after-shave. Women love sexy fragrances so make sure you use at least half a bottle of Mandate or Old Spice to get her olfactory senses reeling.

4) If you've managed to pull then show her your collection of porno videos. Remember 'Lesbian Dildo Arsefest Two' will get her hot and sticky in no time.

5) Show her you're a man of few words by sitting in the pub with her all evening and not speaking.

6) Show her you're gregarious by ignoring her all night and hanging around the bar with your mates instead.

7) Be romantic. Buy her a present. A dildo perhaps, or a humorous Wicked Willy key ring. Make sure you leave the price tag on so that she knows how generous you've been.

8) Be direct. Don't waste time 'wooing' her. She'll respect you all the more for it. Talk about 'shagging' and 'how your ex-girlfriend could reach an orgasm just by the way your fondled her tits.' This never fails to impress and she'll be desperate to study your sexual technique first hand.

9) Show her you're sporty by wearing a football strip when you take her to a fancy restaurant. Then spend the entire meal discussing the offside rule and what an ugly old lesbian Fatima Whitbread is.

10) Talk about the size of your knob. After all, she doesn't want a man who's only got tiny genitals and a very low sperm count. Exaggerate its size by stuffing a sock down your 'Y' fronts. She'll be ever so grateful for it later.

Women: How to make yourself more attractive to men!

1) Don't wear make-up. Men prefer that fresh-faced, blanched-skin look and are very fond of telling everyone this.

2) Constantly talk about your ex-boyfriends and how witty they are. This will encourage your man to improve himself verbally and agitate his instinctual competitive nature.

3) Discuss your period over a candlelit dinner. This will show him how intimate your relationship is becoming.

4) Insist that you watch a Mel Gibson movie together. There's nothing better for making men horny than a good action/romance film.

5) Wear high heels but walk with a masculine gait. This will show him that you can present yourself as both feminine and independent at the same time.

6) Discuss feminism with him. It's a real turn on.

7) Discuss the possibility of marriage and/or children.

8) Try not to talk when you're sat in the pub with him unless a group of your girlfriends happen to stroll by. Then act happy and excited. Once they've gone, however, slip back into a miserable mood and constantly gaze around the room avoiding eye-contact with your fella whenever possible. Men like their women to be sultry.

9) Leave your snot-rags by the side of the bed when you have a cold.

10) Take him shopping for shoes.

Uncle Brian: Helping Couples Find Love and Romance in a Competitive Market!

Today's News: Traces of the explosive used in the Bali bombing have now been recognised as "C4", a military grade material synonymous with the Al Q’aeda network, putting them squarely in the frame. As yet no further suspects have been suggested by those investigating the incident although "C4" is actually manufactured in America. Exclusively! By the ton!

Now...I’m not one to start rumours but...

Anyway...enough of that. On with today's column...

Exploding Modern Day Myths!

All right...I know that the picture-caption above isn't very appropriate but I couldn't be arsed creating a new one.

1) The vast majority of men do not prefer skinny women. This is a misnomer generated by directors in Hollywood who would rather sleep with young boys but don't have the balls to admit it. Most men, whilst finding extremely large women about as sexy as the mounds of tripe they resemble, find reasonably proportioned women with curves in all the right places to be far more attractive than anorexic sticks. So women, stop blaming men for 'body fascism'. Supermodels are borne from the minds of homosexual fashion designers and wear clothes that are bought by other women. Gain weight now and do us all a favour!

2) Jack Straw was involved in the blackmailing of Jeremy Thorpe over the Norman Scott affair in the nineteen seventies. This is not a surprise, I know, but he is a myth that needs exploding regardless.

3) David Ike is wrong. The queen is not a six-foot reptile that eats babies and disguises itself as a human. She's only five-foot four.

4) Tony Blair is not a socialist. He is the Tory party's fifth column. One of the reasons why Iain Duncan Smith isn't bothering to get his party re-elected is because Tony Blair is carrying out all of his evil right-wing plans on his behalf.

5) John Prescott is not a large, peeled natter-jack toad. He just looks like one.

6) Saddam Hussein has not got a bigger cock than George Bush Jr. Both of them wear the same size hat, so it's pretty much equal.

7) Terry Sedgwick enjoys the company of Lolita wombats but he'd like to make it known that he was in no way connected with the Jeremy Thorpe/wombat-rear-entry scandal back in the nineteen seventies. For the record he never showed Rolf Harris his collection of wombat-social-security papers with the intent to blackmail him. The fact that an annual sum of no less than $300 (Australian) has been transferred from Harris' Swiss bank account into his own for the last three decades only proves that their friendship goes beyond such political intrigues.

8) Contrary to my mother's insistence, the first thing that women look for in a man is not shiny shoes.

9) Colin Powell is pronounced Colon Powell...probably because the man talks utter shit.

10) Following Channel Four's recent screening of 'A Clockwork Orange' and Channel Five's screening of 'Eyes Wide Shut' it has become clear that Stanley Kubrik was not a genius at all but a long-winded, pretentious and boring prick. Also Nicole Kidman naked resembles a stick and she ought to put some weight on if she's going to bother getting her kit off on telly again.

Uncle Brian...scrubbing the skidmarks from society's toilet bowl.

Oh, what a nice meatloaf with berries. He is really cool.
And you? Are you cool? Do you want to be cooler?

I gather the Web provides wall to wall pneumatically enhanced women for us blokes ...


... as one small step for a man on a mission to redress the balance I offer this one for the sheilas.
Elvis merely left the building ... this impersonator has taken leave of his senses.
Ladies, please try to still your heaving hearts. No idea what you do about your heaving stomachs.

PATRIOT MEMES: The Genetics of Cultural Conformity and Mass Hysteria - Part II

Only unpatriotic, scum-sucking motherf*ckers question the right of the Bush administration to wage war on the behalf of oil corporations!

Now those Al Qaeda b*stards are targeting our native fauna. Leave them alone, that's our right! On second thoughts ... go for it! He's a footballer ... no identifiable life form, native or otherwise, as far as I can gather.

Wednesday, October 16, 2002

Andersen Gets Five Years, Fined $500,000.

A federal judge fined accounting firm Andersen $500,000 and sentenced it to five years probation October 16, 2002 for obstructing justice in a probe of client Enron, a hollow punishment as the auditor is all but out of business.

Begs the question ... if Andersen breaks probation who gets banged up in chokey? The CEO? The Board? Every employee? The articles of association?

I wouldn't want to see anyone from Andersen banged up with mass murderers, child molesters and gang rapists. These felons have standards.

According to a poll released in the Guardian yesterday, since the bombings in Bali on Saturday public opinion towards the impending War against Iraq has swung dramatically, with a huge increase in the numbers now backing Bush and Blair’s master-plan.

Well...what a surprise. Excuse me if I don’t sit here slack jawed. Despite the fact that no one has claimed responsibility for the bombings (apparently military explosives were used, but that’s about all that anybody’s managed to determine so far) several people have already been arrested and links to Al Q’aeda firmly established in people’s minds. Exactly what this has to do with Iraq is anybody’s guess.

Therefore I have reached the following conclusion:

Muslims...get off the planet now! You’ve been nothing but trouble for centuries. All right...some of you don’t want to cause any problems but you’re part of an organisation that is linked to war, death, terrorism and bigotry on a grand scale. Therefore you must all go!

Christians...get off the planet now! You are outdated, worthless and pathetic. If you can’t keep your stupid, remedial opinions to yourselves then you must leave our world immediately. If you can’t live in peace and harmony with anybody else and are incapable of realising that other people are entitled to their points of view then you really don’t deserve to exist. have all been linked to terrorists, Muslims and Christians. Whilst you persist in being genetically similar to these groups we have no alternative but to evict you from the home world.

Cats and have been closely linked to humans...kindly pack up your squeaky bones and catnip mice and get off the planet now!

Rolf are well known for taking pleasure in filming cats and dogs in pain. Therefore you have been elected the new King of the Whole World Ever. From now on everyone on the planet will be forced to wear a false beard and National Health glasses, shake a wobble-board about moronically and grow an extra leg on pain of death.


Please close all the windows before leaving.

Sub editor's interpolation ... I'm an American tired of American lies."
PATRIOT MEMES: The Genetics of Cultural Conformity and Mass Hysteria - Part I

American children (especially the white, Anglo Saxon protestant ones) must be taught to “pledge allegiance” even before they learn to wipe their bums or write their names. Non-conformists can expect to be labelled as criminals, deviants, illegal immigrants, terrorists or any combination of the above if they manage wake up to the fact they have been systematically brainwashed from the cradle. Discovering that “Truth” and “Justice” have no business sharing line space with anything purporting to be “The American Way” can be dangerous to your wealth. You have been warned. Have a nice day y’all!
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.
It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

George W. Bush

People are asking who should step into Saddam’s shoes should the Americans succeed in toppling him from his presidency.
Saddam is a corrupt and degenerate murder who deserves everything that is hopefully coming to him. He could, however, reconcile himself with Bush if he would consider bending down and taking it up the arse like a good camel jockey whenever the US demands it of him. In the event of this not happening then candidates who would like to be considered for the post of President of Iraq must be able to fulfil certain requirements. They must not be religious nutters nor have a name that begins with Ayatollah. Corrupt and degenerate behaviour can be negotiated so long as American policies are welcome. Any Iraqi regime, no matter how moderate or beneficial, will be bombed out of existence if it encourages the Palestinians to fight for what belongs to them, especially if it is to the detriment to US corporate interests in Iraq’s oil wealth. Applications from greedy, pocket-lining bastards with an eye on the main chance will be given priority.

Thought for the Day

The US vowed to “get” Gaddafi, Saddam and Bin Laden. Since all three are still drawing breath does that make the US military a bunch of useless wankers who are simply begging for another excuse to make themselves look staggeringly farcical at the expense of even more innocent and allied casualties?
Today’s online edition of the Jerusalem Post is running a Sun style readers poll. The question is: How should Israel respond to an attack from Iraq during hostilities launched by the Bush administration?

13% voted for no response in accordance with US wishes.
57% opted for launching Scuds with conventional warheads.
30% want reprisal using non-conventional weapons.

Let us hope that none of those 30% have their finger on Israel’s nuclear trigger!!

Similar polls have shown that 46% expect increased hostilities against the Palestinians with 26% wanting major air strikes against same.

British Ambassador to Israel, Sherard Cowper-Coles, had described the Palestinian territories as the world’s biggest detention camp. His comments are noticeably absent from the pages of the Jerusalem Post. Given that Palestine was wrested from it’s rightful owners following a series of major Zionist terrorist attacks in the 1940’s and Western guilt over what they let Hitler do to the European Jews, is it little wonder that the Palestinians hope to regain what was stolen from them using the tactics of terrorism? They did, after all, learn by demonstration. While terrorism, in any form, is abhorrent and cannot be condoned, the Israelis protest rather too loudly when the Palestinians retaliate. An outsized illustration of the pot calling the kettle black methinks.

Britain voted against the creation of a State of Israel. The US voted for it. Consequently, since 1948, Israel has been a thorn in the side of the Arab countries in the Middle East and feels no compunction about digging that thorn in deeper with every available opportunity. They would not have been able to do this without US support. Islamic fundamentalism has spiralled rapidly over the last few decades, even in Muslim countries that are considered to be liberal. Maybe Bush feels that the US needs to curb Islamic fundamentalism because it was his f*cking country that created it in the first place.

Tuesday, October 15, 2002

Sorry my friends, I was squeezed and I don't be able to rant.
But I have found interesting links.

Patriotism. It's a very strange beetle such as the live webcam about the sexy Georgie or the cheap business of the Naked Girls for America. It's realy great.

And an another great thing: do you love the Prime Number Shitting Bear? It is the nicest thing since the Buffon needles.

Well, it comes hard times. People have to get ready to the pain and suffering. Thanks Hot God, we have Help, it is the unique Fed-ex shipping Fire Bible.
An another holy crap.
The Americans have the nerve to link Islamic fundamentalism with terrorism. This is rich coming from a nation that promotes, in many states, Christian fundamentalist creationism in the face of overwhelming scientific evidence to the contrary.
The US toppled the Taliban regime because it was inconvenient, not because it was violating human rights in Afghanistan. Granted, the Taliban are a bunch of religious fascists who wreaked ever greater havoc as their stranglehold on power tightened. However, they were allowed to subjugate the Afghan people while it suited US international policy to do so. Bush had an ulterior motive for smashing the regime and 911 was merely the catalyst. The question people should be asking is…what use is Afghanistan to the global gangsters who run the western oil corporations?
Where was the US when Saddam used chemical weapons and sundry murderous practises (which are ongoing) against his own people? What does Iraq have that the US wants? It certainly isn’t all that sand and camel shit!
According to fundamentalist Christians (I won't mention any names) we should stop celebrating Halloween altogether because it invites Satan into our children's minds or something like that.

Click here if you want to suffer the Christian perspective of Halloween.

Like me, you'll probably become too bored and disinterested to finish reading this crap. I admit that, as a kid, I had a lot of fun with Halloween. I still attend parties with friends at the age of 35 and have a great time dressing up as absurdly as possible. I am certain none of this good time has anything to do with a fictional henchman doing the dirty work of a fictional god. I'd like to invite some of these fundamental extremist bedwetters to this year's Halloween bash and wait for the perfect moment when they're standing too close to the bonfire. Of course, before I could do them any real harm I'm sure the hand of the great white male fictional god of the Bible would drop from the sky and save their sorry asses. Right!

Hey...I think I actually just "ranted" about something! That's kind of fun!

Friendly Advice for British Kids this Autumn!

1) If you insist on celebrating the American tradition of Trick or Treats then at least try to make an effort. Sticking your balaclava on back-to-front does not constitute a Halloween costume. As a result the only thing you'll be likely to get off me is a black eye. Also, at least get off your pushbikes before you knock on my door you lazy little gits.

2) Halloween doesn't take place until October 31st. No matter how many times you call at my house in one night I will not be buying any sweets until at least October 30th so don't bother annoying me. The same goes for Guy Fawkes Night so stop letting your fireworks off down the back alley or I'll be forced to connect my hosepipe up to the tap in the garden and give you all a thorough drenching.

3) I will not donate a 'Penny to the Guy' if said Guy is just a child sat in a shop doorway wearing a back-to-front balaclava. The only thing I'm likely to donate under such circumstances is a kick.

4) Be warned in advance...if you do visit my house on October 31st I have balanced a bucket of offal above my front door. I'll give you Trick or Treat you opportunist little bastards.

5) If you insist on lighting bangers in the cafe at least make sure that they're securely held between your teeth.

6) And remember kids, lighting fireworks CAN be fun. Just always make sure that the fireworks, once lit, are placed in a glass bottle and the lid is tightly screwed down. Don't stand more than three feet away from said bottle and, if wearing glasses, remove them.

Autumn! It's a great time for kids to be tucked up in hospital where they belong!


Mel Gibson is currently filming in Italy. He is adept at playing heroic individuals, more lately ones that are lavishly sticking it to us evil Brits. This paragon of American virtue and defiant, punch-em-in-the-face-and-spit-in-their-eyes stoicism is giving the finger to the terrorists of the Middle East by his mere presence in the Mediterranean area. Bravery beyond the call of Hollywood you might think. Brave of him then to include a clause in his contract that gets him the f*ck out of Europe on the first plane across the Atlantic should Bush unsportingly launch his attack on Iraq before filming wraps. Nice one Mel!

Monday, October 14, 2002

"Ooh, Mr Bush...please Sir can I go to the toilet?"

In light of the events of Saturday, John Howard has declared Sunday as Australia's National Day or Mourning. Here Mr Howard has taken a leaf out of British Prime Minister Tony spin Blair's book (as exercised following the death of the Queen Mum) in that, seeing as Sunday is the weekly day off work anyway, people can grieve without losing any money for their bosses.

Patriotism = Xenophobia = Racism

A personal analysis of why people become patriotic!

When individuals are ugly or stupid or lacking in talent because they’re fat and crap in bed they turn to outside influences to bolster their self-confidence. It’s only human nature to want to be proud of something and, unable to have pride in themselves, rubbish people latch on to some larger organisation with which to associate. That’s why cretins support football teams or are proud of their race, their religious beliefs, their gender, their sexual orientation, their class, their musical tastes and, most importantly, their nations!

Americans are particularly patriotic. That’s because America is full of fat, stupid, ugly bastards who like to associate with television programmes that feature slim, good looking and witty characters.

The Brits, on the other hand, tend to be more well-rounded people on the whole. We’re not as patriotic because we’re better as individuals than Americans are. That’s what makes us great. That’s why we’re better than all the other stupid countries in the World!

* * * * *

Other News: And following Saturday’s tragic events in Bali, Prime Minster John Howard has arranged a televisual spectacular to soothe discomforted souls across Australia. In this extravaganza Rolf Harris will read from the bible, Kylie Minogue will sing the National Anthem, Clive James will give a stirring patriotic speech designed to ease the pain and suffering of a nation in shock and Skippy the Bush Kangaroo will join forces with Yahoo Serious and Paul Hogan to light 300 memorial candles in the forests around Sydney. (If there are any forests left by this point, of course, after last month’s candle-lighting debacle got a bit out of control.)

Already plans for a huge weeping wombat statue are being drawn up to be placed on Ayres Rock as a symbol of universal mourning. In America coach tour operators are taking bookings for looters, sick bastards and pillagers to visit the bombed-out Balinese night-club.


Please note: If you don’t buy a flag it’ll prove that you’re in league with the Al Q’aeda network and you’ll be sent to live on an abandoned island with those other despicable refugee terrorists. So buy a flag now! You know it makes sense.

God Bless Bali, the greatest nation on the planet!

Sheila was very impressed by the way in which Bruce had speared the vicious wombat with his flag staff.

Bill Clinton wanted to screw interns.

Dubya Bush intends to screw Saddam.

Advice to Saddam: BITE DOWN HARD!!!

An oldie but ... very currently ... a goodie.

"Naturally the common people don't want war: Neither in Russia, nor in England, nor for that matter in Germany. That is understood. But, after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country."

~ Herman Goering, president of the Reichstag and founder of the Gestapo, in speaking to the Nuremberg War Crimes Tribunal

Sunday, October 13, 2002

The another meaning of the holy shit.
And how she loves her gun? And what about her holy grenade?
Many of those killed by the two bombs that tore through a nightclub district on Bali island Saturday were Australians as well as other foreigners from Canada, Britain, Germany and Sweden. Three Americans were among the more than 300 people injured. No one claimed responsibility for the bombings.

The Guardian

Taking into account the recent posting by Mr Sedgwick that begins: Australian officials on high alert after terror warning...and given that the majority of the people killed in Bali were Australian, that only three Americans were injured, that the American Government would have had no way of knowing about this or any other possible attack, that nobody has claimed responsibility and that George Bush has been having one hell of a hard time drumming up support for his War Against Terrorism...well...if I was a conspiracy theorist I'd say that...but, that's ridiculous...nobody would ever stoop to something so low as that, would they? Well...they wouldn't.

The first victim of war is always the truth. The second is always the innocent.

From Deputy Editor Sedgwick's desk:- "Authorities are on high alert after the United States warned Australia of a possible threat by terrorists to blow up power stations and electrical transmission lines."

Dammit those Indonesian night clubs looked so much like power stations and electrical transmission lines, Agent Gordon Liddy should be forgiven for his little top secret faux pas. Anyhow that's mere detail. The upshot of it all is not all bad or tragic, the Australian Prime Minister is now frothing at the mouth and yelling "Toldya, toldya!" (Of course in a controlled, considered statesmanlike way.) It will be in the same controlled, considered statesmanlike way that he will tell the Australian people that he will be, with a heavy heart and an even heavier hard on, committing thousands of Australian young men (and women, for our Johnny is an equal opportunity body bag kinda guy) to the fight against terrorism.

Well played George W.     Game, set and memorial plaques for all.

Will somebody please explain to the Great British public that Ulrika Johnson is a talentless, worthless old slapper with no redeeming qualities whatsoever?

For once I'm not going to blame the media for the fact that she's on every magazine cover, newspaper front page, early evening television programme etc. After all, they're only feeding the zombified populace with the sort of shallow celebrity gruel that such factory-fodder demands.

But, to be blunt, I'm sick of seeing her ugly Norwegian face wherever I look. I don't give a stuff about her opinion on men, on fashion, on football or on politics. The woman is a nothing. A big fat zero. A nonentity of the first degree. She's never done squat. She can't sing, she can't write, she can't tell jokes, she can't draw, she can't act and she can't formulate an opinion to rival the steam off my shit.

She's just one of those irritating, weasly twats that are famous simply for being famous. I don't care if she slept with Sven Whatever-his-name-is. He's another boring, untalented Norwegian. And while we're about it, will somebody please explain to the British population that football is crap as well? It's mindless, uninteresting drivel. Two hours (or however long it takes) of a couple of dozen thick bastards trying to launch a pig's bladder off their toecaps between two sticks. Every week. For ever.

My suspicion about Ulrika is that the average braindead Brit is trying to replace that other icon of blandness, Princess Diana, to fill out his/her worthless, dull little life. Although, to be honest, I found an old plank on the beach yesterday that had far more character than either of them, was more photogenic and would cost far less to photograph.

Admittedly it hasn't slept with Sven yet...but that's only a matter of time surely.

Now this is a doozie of a posting from a blog I stumbled across.
Not sure whether it is chilling or just pathetic.

How I Love My Gun

(A note inspired by Rachel Lucas.)

What does it take to sit around and abstract a form of metal -- arguably the most pervasive plastic in all techne? To ply the material to a form requires a purpose, if the form is to be useful beyond the mere glance, and this is the most important manifestation of the thing that sets mankind apart. Oh, I think it's cute that seals crack abalone shells with rocks, or that chimpanzees jam sticky weeds into termite holes. It's even more cute when some weeper calls it "technology" and jumps up & down with the raptures over "98% of DNA" with which I'm supposed to throb in sibling resonance, but I get over it just about as quick as it takes me to pick up the TV remote and flip to "American Movie Classics".

Editor's note. I have spared our reader a lot of orgasmic waffle by undertaking a substantial spot of slash and burn editing.

... that's where a nice pistol is just the thing.

I'd be interested to know if anyone could point out a machine with such power so precisely refined into such a tight little package. It's a two-way street, to me: a marvel in the way that the thing can deliver such a multiplied projection of human mind from such a resolved application of mind: the razor-sharp set of concepts from which it emerges into material form.

I prefer a semi-auto, and the comparison is striking to me: it's been little more than a century since the idea of an auto-loading pistol came into the world, and we're just coming up on a century of powered flight. Two machines meant to extend a person's physical limits beyond those known by untold billions of human beings for thousands of years.

What a swell time to be alive.

Forever, people who required physical force for sustenance or defense were limited to what they could throw with their arms (a word come down to us with undeniable provenance). Some unknown genius started the ball slowly rolling with a bit of yew strung with sinew in order to extend the primitive power, and everybody knows that projectiles explosively propelled go back centuries, but I can't help it: when I think about standing around pouring powder out of a horn and plunging lead balls for a rate of something like two rounds a minute, it just makes me sad for people who didn't live to feel the satisfying catch of a loaded magazine into place, ready for that first rack of the slide.

I keep a pistol on my desk. I keep a magazine loaded with dry-fire pads, and, at odd moments of the day, I'll reach over and pick it up, drop the mag, clear the chamber, put that round back on top of the magazine, and put it back in place, all just to feel the action of that slide: just in order to work the machine. It's the sound and feel of it. The measured tension of the return-spring, the simple orderly coordination of the magazine spring introducing the new round to the chamber... now & then, I'll just strip off the chambered round with a hard rack of the slide, in order to marvel at the precise grip of the extractor at the edge of the brass rim.

"Look how that thing works. What a cool little chunk of engineering."

I do this the way some people reach over and tap the little swinging balls that knock into each other when they're bemused or bored. Me? I play with a little machine. It just happens to be a pistol.

Editor's note ... also happens to sound like a penis substitute to me.

Now, some people are convinced that I'm a kook. Well, you know what? They can believe that if they want to. That's their business, in the way that this is my business. I don't really care what they think.

...except that they should bloody well leave me alone with it, that is.

It's true: that's a lot of the whole point of this particular machine power.

Otherwise, however, what could possibly be more elegant in design than this?

(My Beretta 92FS)

If you can be arsed there is another *fine* entry on this blog. "Ya gotta love a woman who knows what to do with her hands and stays clear of the trigger until she's ready to discharge the weapon." This entry has brought me down on the side of "pathetic" rather than "chilling".

Jesus wept!