Monday, January 05, 2004

Out of the mouths of babes, crocs and dickheads.

Crikey, every man and his blue heeler has had a bite of this one. Figured I might as well dangle my thoughts out as well. (No children or other animals were harmed in the making of this posting.)

The Australian "crocodile hunter" Steve Irwin has sparked outrage because he dangled his baby son in front of a 13ft crocodile's jaws.

The television celebrity, famous for picking up poisonous snakes and wrestling with huge reptiles for the cameras, brought his month-old baby into an enclosure during a public show at the Australian Zoo reptile park in Queensland. He held the child, called Robert, in one arm while using his other to hold a dead chicken in front of the crocodile, named Murray.

Irwin was unrepentant: "I was in complete control of the crocodile. Robert was tucked right in my arm. This kid has to grow up to be croc savvy. I am teaching him to be completely familiar with crocodiles."

Wife Terri also came to Mr Irwin's defence claiming it was a parent's duty to educate children against the dangers of tropical life.

"Children learn to swim at an early age. Would you rather have a child learning to swim under duress or to have them drown?," she said. "Children need to be taught the dangers of crocodiles."

Evidence would suggest that Steve Irwin had a frontal lobotomy immediately after his birth. Sadly a swift and sure vasectomy did not immediately follow.

Not to put too fine a point on it Steve is a prize goose. This fine upstanding Aussie icon much beloved of Dubbya dickhead is to parenting what Herod was to the 'Stranger Danger' campaign.

Right Steve, it is essential to teach young Bob about the dangers of the big bad backpacker eating crocodiles. I'm sure that he was taking in your every warning word, making relevant notes on his Palm Pilot and texting your bon mots to every one of his one month old peers.

Yes Steve, it is wise to teach children about danger. I remember doing it with my child. I don't remember doing in front of a large crowd of camera toting, fee paying tourists at my workplace. I don't remember using my child as a prop for my circus act.

O.K. Mrs. Steve I would rather have a child learning to swim under duress than have it drown. Better still I'd rather have it eaten by a crocodile. Crikey, that'd teach it. By the livin' jingoes it wouldn't do anything careless ever again!

Poor old Steve is a bit pissed off at the treatment he is copping from the media. Steve has happily sucked on the bountiful and nurturing nipple of the media in recent years. Tough titty Steve if the media then turns all Lady Macbeth turn my milk into gall on you. The media is reptilian by nature Steve. Didn't your dad ever tell you "never smile at crocodiles" ... and never hop into bed with them without using protection.

Speaking on Channel Nine's A Current Affair, Mr Irwin says he did it to help his child become more familiar with the environment he lives in.

"What I would do differently is I would make sure that there was no cameras around," he said. "But unfortunately you're under the microscope and I can't escape cameras."

Gee whiz Steve, you didn't know that all those tourists what bought tickets to your performance would be taking pictures did you? I've never heard of that happening before.

From David Salmon Producer/Reporter Seven News - Brisbane. "Australia Zoo put out a media alert on Friday morning (Jan 2) advising the arrival of three elephants to the zoo, along with some Tibetan nuns, and the Croc Hunter. Believing that such a grouping could provide some interesting pics we decided to take a look for a possible colour story. Our Seven Queensland crew did a great job in recognising the potential of the yarn while still at the zoo, at what was a media event called by the croc-hunter himself!"

What was that Steve said again? "But unfortunately you're under the microscope and I can't escape cameras."

By the living Jiminy Crickets Steve, looks like you were desperately trying to hide your light under a microscopic bushel and then out of the blue along came all those bloody stickybeak Channel Seven media types what ambushed you good and proper. What bastards, Steve!

"I will continue to educate my children and the children of the world so that they don't share water with crocs, that's the most important thing," he said. "That's why I was put on this planet, that's why God built me and put me on this earth, is to show people how to avoid conflict with animals that can kill you."

Good thinking Steve, but the most important thing you could do is to make sure that your own child doesn't share centre stage with his dad ... and probably not during the croc feeding part of the show.

As anyone who has a dog knows, it isn't exactly wise to go near the animal when its eating its food. I know from my own experience that if a waiter comes too close to my table when I'm tucking into a delicious "Canard a la Montmorency" he can expect a pretty conflictful nip on the ankle.

Sounds to me like Steve is trying to avoid conflict with media what can kill your image and career.

Look here Steve, I like a succulently sauteed infant in chasseur sauce as much as the next Aussie icon, but I dont pass off my gluttonous epicurean indulgence as Self Preservation 101 for Neonates. "Bobby, don't you go too close to Nigella's lovely busty substances lest she grabs you by the scruff of the neck, skins you, bones you, lightly coats you in seasoned flour and pops you in a preheated oven for 20 minutes, turning regularly."

Poor ole Steve. Why can't people leave him alone and treat him like any other common or garden millionaire in the street. (Oops, sorry! I forgot that's not currently P.C. ... tall iconic poppies and all that.)

Have to admit that I am really a bit torn on this issue. As Granny Biddy Stickynose I think Irwin was an absolute goose for this stunt. On the other hand I really do want Steve to keep dangling his offspring in front of 14 foot crocs thereby allowing the process of natural selection to proceed apace. With any luck, all Irwins would all end up as petit fours for reptiles. Crikey a world without feral Irwins sounds a pretty good place to me by jingoes golly gosh.

I lay before you evidence which might be offered as a defence against any charges that might be laid by the relevant legal authorities.

"In front of us right now is the greatest leader Australia has ever had and the greatest leader in the world," Mr Irwin told the audience at Australia Zoo, north of Brisbane. "

"Not guilty by reason of insanity, your Honour. "

Crikey, you just couldn't get a good reliable frontal lobotomy back in those days.

BTW Steve, I gather there's an orphan kiddy by name of Annie Borden currently up for adoption. I'm sure she'd be more than pleased to teach you and Mrs. Icon a thing or two about the dangers of sharp chopping instruments.