Uncle Brian, Seems like we have to thank you for the posting about that rare mix of beauty and mindnumbing cretinism, Ulrika Johnson for a lot of traffic. How can you live with yourself, too clever by half young fella me lad ... which is more than can be said for Ms. Johnson.

Editor's note: In the Valley of the Blind, the one-eyed man is king.

Young woman taken by crocodile

October 23 2002
"A crocodile grabbed and killed a 24-year-old German tourist as she took a late-night swim with her sister in Kakadu National Park."

Sad I'm sure, BUT there are signs, bigger than the crocodiles themselves, all over the area about NOT swimming, especially after sunset. The crocodiles view the rivers and waterholes as lightly salted stock for "Stupid Tourist Bouillabaisse".



Full story ... "don't mention the water!"

Advice for Uncle Brian. (Snipped this from somewhere, sometime ... no idea where.)

"When it comes to printers, your best bet is to find a monk, hire him, and get him to transcribe what's on your screen.

You don't need anything besides bread, wine, and the occasional quill replacement.

Rarely does paper get jammed in a monk unless you’re the one jamming it in him.

You rarely hear cracking or thrumming sounds come from a monk because they take a vow of silence.

The occasional fart from the monk is reasonable compared to a laser printer with a broken ozone filter.

And if the monk has any problems or dies, you can always hire a new one. Heck, you can even recycle the robes."

This week we shall be looking at the Hewlett Packard DeskJet 610C for the PC.

Like all Hewlett Packard printers this entertaining little number performs fine for about 20 pages or so, more than enough for the average novelist. However, when the ink cartridges run out, which shouldn't happen for at least three quarters of an hour, the Hewlett Packard monopoly comes into its own. Fortunately Hewlett Packard aren't selfish, greedy or insulting to their customers. The Hewlett Packard replacement ink cartridge (black ink only) is a snip at only £25.00 for almost a whole thimbleful of ink.

When you compare the combined prices of the black and colour Hewlett Packard ink cartridges (£55.00 in total) to the fact that you can pick up a whole brand new Cannon printer complete with larger-sized cartridges for only £47.00, then you might start asking yourself, "What's the point in buying a Hewlett Packard at all? They're expensive, produce speckled print-outs and are basically shit." And you'd be right to ask this question, if it wasn't for the fact that you can have so much more fun with a Hewlett Packard.

For example, cheap alternatives to the £25 and £35 cartridges (respectively) are almost impossible to find, but once every blue moon you might stumble across a mysterious back-street computer shop that actually stocks one. This is where the real enjoyment begins.

Once the refill package is opened it quickly becomes clear that the instruction booklet and accompanying diagrams bear no resemblance to the actual ink cartridge you've removed from your machine despite the insistence on the packet that the kit is designed specifically for the Hewlett Packard 610C. But nil desperandum...Hewlett Packard kindly include in their kit a small piece of metal with which you can bore the missing hole into the top of your cartridge. This takes about fifteen hours and eventually snaps, the blob of melted rubber laughingly referred to in the kit's contents as 'The Plug' being completely the wrong size to be of any use.

Imagine your delight when, having followed the instructions to the letter and left your cartridge -- now replete with fresh ink -- to stand overnight (a difficult procedure due to the unique design of the cartridge that doesn't allow it to remain upright in any position unless surrounded by a complicated arrangement of books and cutlery) you wake up in the morning to find said cartridge empty and your sink/pots/books/cutlery etc stained beyond repair. Much more fun than just buying a cheap £4 cartridge for the Cannon and placing it in your printer I'm sure you'll agree.

HEWLETT PACKARD...screwing their customers with far more vehemence than they screw their print heads into position.

Why should Hughes be the only one to get away with gratuitous postings?!



I can gratuit with the best of 'em. Assorted black and white Feral Eye cartoons in a dinky folder presentation.

Editor's note: That's odd. I had a hairy chest and a spare tyre this morning.

Deputy Editor's note: How odd, I just had the usual coffee, bowl of muesli and cigarette to start the day.

"PMs popularity soars after Bali."

I presume the abbreviation in the headline refers to the Prime Minister (he is after all a very abbreviated creature) and not to the condition that is painful, depressing and irritating to women (then again little Johnny does fit that description).

In any case it is a depressing (but entirely predictable) bit of news.

Well, an another life form with two penis.
I wonder, what do Mr. Coffee thinks of this nice guy?